#feeling mildly hysterical rn

[impending-day]

ok since at least one person wants to hear my Afterlife SMP Boogeyman's Curse AU im gonna do a quick summary of what i have. yes i am palnning on putting this bad boy on ao3 i have 1600 words i wrote in one sitting wink wonk!!

vague summary time!!

yknow how the sound of the uh. the pre-boogey message comes with thunder. like the one that says _ minutes untin the boogey is chosen. yeah its raining when that first hits

the message says like "the boogey will be chosen in 60 minutes" cause i want everyone to meet up before the boogey(s) is/are chosen

so they all converge upon their spawn island and theyre all like "bro wtf is going on." joel, scott, lizzie, and jimmy are the only ones who know the weight of the message and theyre kinda in hysterics to figure out why its here in the first place

they argue?? about it? somehow?? idk havent written that part

because i feel like it, im making joel an Empath and hes like "oooboy there is something not good approaching and its not just the 10 minutes left on that clock"

then from a tree: boom. eyes. shubbles like "OUGH WHAT" (hint: her origin is a shadow smthn right). and then some stupid mysterious speech and who is it?

its. its grian

why is he here you ask? 1. self indulgence. 2. hes the admin of last life and thus has access to the boogeyman curse's code. 3. hes a watcher yeah thats canon here too. he even calls it his "origin" and i think im pretty smart

anyways the last life folk are all screaming at him (at least internally) and everyone else is like "howd you even get here" except for shubble cause my watcher lore says that watchers are from the void which, according to shubbles origin, she was there for a few hundred years so. yeah

im mildly tempted to bring the Entity into this but idk how exactly

i also dont exactly know why grian chose to spread the curse into afterlife rn sorry lol this is all self indulgence because im Not Over Last Life and dont think i ever will be

joel naturally is furious at grian right? like they were allies on last life and now grian is pitting everyone against each other. he feels absolutely betrayed.

scott is like. dying inside. because he cant handle going through those feelings again after resisting the curse and falling to red due to his failure. he just cant do that again.

jimmy is confused on why grian keeps calling him timmy. but hes also more confused on why the boogeyman curse is back. hed gone through a server with that once. hes concerned it followed him over to afterlife. canary in the coalmine, after all.

lizzie is scared. shes not particularly strong; shes much better at hiding. being the boogeyman would be really bad for her, but someone else being the boogeyman would be bad too. potentially worse. her mind has already switched back into survival mode.

and everyone else is like "bro wtf is a boogeyman"

the thing is, to not drop 9 lives, the boogeyman has to kill someone every week

yeah so joel gets into an argument with grian and its getting heated (haha im so funny). and then joel tries to attack grian but. naturally. it dont work. and grian takes joels first life before the curse is even implemented

the sun is setting, joel just died, grian is tormenting them, yaddah yaddah yaddah. grian goes to pick on scott as "payback for not following the rules correctly last time." and everyone is trying to keep scott away like a game of hot potato or something but its not going so well

UNTIL joel teleports across the water and stabs grian through the chest. cause hes enderian now. why? plot. i make the au, i make the rules

grian goes away and now its night. spawn is lit up nicely but everywhere else. is not. mwehehe

i have more but i wanna get a more solid idea first (laughs in im just gonna go make a part 2 if ppl want it) (because i already have a solid idea but its even More self indulgent)

anyways yeah thats. pretty in depth honestly damn. but expect it to be Better because im actually gonna format this stuff into a proper piece of literature one day lol

thanks yall for being so pumped abt this tho!!

[silver-lily-louise]

I don't even know how to feel rn lmao. (This is long and rambly and contains both SPN-positive and SPN-negative opinions.)

I'm having nostalgic fun just absorbing the sheer /chaos/ bc the Internet is batshit crazy tonight. Over DESTIEL. This is like being 15 again and just getting into fandoms lol.

I'm having fun laughing with other ex-fans at how TERRIBLY that confession scene and plot was handled. And it feels weird to /laugh/ bc like, queerbaiting and bury your gays are BAD things! But dark humour is also a valid thing, and something about the context of the show, and how stretched to our limits we all are bc hashtag 2020, and then the fucking Put1n thing... it just made it ludicrous, mildly hysterical, instead of making me feel angry or frustrated like when those things usually happen in media. Plus, with how widespread the criticism of the scene is, it doesn't feel like the normal arguments of 'it's serious, these tropes hurt real people' apply, almost? Idk if that gut feeling is right, and I plan to interrogate it when I have more spoons, but for now that's how it feels. (Also, it's worth noting that I'm queer af, so I'm not laughing at the expense of others. I'm very much in the 'yikes-affected' camp here.)

But as well as the more ironic/bitter takes, I'm also like - genuinely pleased for people who feel vindicated?? For Destiel fans and show fans who aren't hanging around out of bitterness or irony or looking back in confusion like us ex-fans; for the people who went 'yeah this is problematic af but I like it for its good points', who went 'yeah it's probably never gonna happen but the potential chemistry of this ship entertains me'. Because trashy shows (which SPN wasn't always, but from the outside looking in seems to have become) can be so FUN and that's very valid, get your joy where you can if ur not hurting anyone. Liking something with problems doesn't mean you condone those problems and doesn't have to be real-world harmful, and so I'm really glad you've all gotten some genuine joy tonight. And SPN was a real and genuine source of joy and community for me when I was younger, too, even though I grew away from it after s11, so I GET it.

I'm also low-key considering changing my URL lol. It feels like the end of an era, this episode even more than the general 'winding down' craziness; and there's something about SPN being so RELEVANT again - even if it's just for tonight, even if it's for a batshit, highly Problematique(TM) reason - that makes this URL feel less like the nostalgia and personal attachment I've kept it so long for, and more like a poor fit because my blog is so different now to what it was in my SPN heyday.

TL,DR: I don't know how to feel, but left and right I'm seeing people having humour and joy that doesn't seem to be at anyone's genuine expense; and if that assessment is correct, then I'm glad to be a part of it tonight. ♡

[firsthousevenus]

Just found out my roommate asked her partner what he wanted to do once our lease was up, giving me the impression that she was considering them getting thier own place 😭🥺

I had to many feelings today and now I’m nauseous 🤢

My one roommate asked me what my love language is and that makes me have a lot of feelings because we’ve had this conversation before so for him to ask me that makes me feel as though he wasn’t listening all the time that I’ve expressed what my love languages are before

Then later in the day my roommate said she still doesn’t understand why I chose to to move in with her and her partner which led to a conversation that I honestly don’t even wanna get into right now but really put the final nail in the coffin as far as my emotional state for the rest of the night

[dwindlingashesburnt]

This is for Nonbinary November, I'll reblog this post with a link to the person who came up with this ask game and with a link to the blog I mention in a later question

1) Which labels do you use? I use nonbinary, trans, agender. I also use aroace but that's not really relevant to this month!

2) What are your pronouns? Honestly who knows. I use they/them, I MAY be interested in xe/xem but I don't know yet because I haven't been able to convince anyone to use those pronouns for me when I'm fine with they/them - it's possible the first time I heard someone refer to me as "xe" I'd realise I hate it. Or, realise I love it. Anyway rn I use they/them

3) How old were you when you came out to yourself as nonbinary? 15 or 16? I think 16

4) What's one thing you'd like to tell your younger self? hey I know you don't think you like yourself rn but I promise that's not true, you're okay, and when you figure out the real reason you're uncomfortable everything will make so much more sense. You'll be okay, there's nothing wrong with the situation or with you

5) is there a myth about nonbinary people that annoys you the most? Okay. As an agender person I would be part of the party benefiting from this I guess, but a lot of people seem to assume that there's only three genders: male, female, and agender. And that nonbinary is just a synonym for agender. This is obviously incorrect and even though I'm kind of mildly, guiltily glad that I'm not among the nonbinary people omitted by this assumption, it still pisses me off immensely because it's so dumb and it's just further bigotry and bullshit. Luckily this is one myth that seems to be almost entirely due to lack of knowledge rather than actual malicious intent!

6) is there a nonbinary celebrity you look up to? Nope, celebrities don't exist as far as I'm concerned.

7) if you're out, how did you come out? I'm out to my friends - I came out via a rambling, thinking aloud monologue to one friend then to all of them in a more coherent but still rambling announcement during a chat. I am also out to two of my family members but I honest to goodness can't remember how I came out - I do remember one hysterical conversation with my dad in which I was irrationally convinced he wouldn't love me anymore if I changed my name; I hope to fuck that's not how I came out to my dad and brother

8) is there a gender-related pun you like? Nah. I like all the misplaced my gender and traded my gender for x jokes though

9) Do you have friends who identify as nonbinary, too? Nope! Most of my friends are cis, a minority are binary trans people. I wish I had fellow enby friends

10) Do you have a favourite lgbt+ character? Are we talking canon or fanon? I love Crowley and Aziraphale because we can dump a whole lot of lgbt+ stuff on them: aro and or ace, gay, bi/pan, male, trans, nonbinary/genderweird....I also like some takes on nonbinary Beezlebub, but only some. Specifically the ones where they're not particularly evil/malicious but are most definitely a dick, because that feels very humanizing somehow which is nice.

11) Lgbt, lgbt+, lgbtqa+...which one do you tend to use? The last one, though if I'm tired and I've already used that once in convo I'll use lgbt after because it's less effort to say/type and they know what I mean

12) how do you explain the term "nonbinary" to people who have no idea what it means? Badly! With a lot of "um" and "uh" and eventually saying "well it's when you're not 100% male OR 100% female only"

13) Tell us a fun fact about yourself! (Gender-related or random) I used to be able to understand French and German pretty well but lost this a few years after leaving primary school

14) How did you find your name? I found my name several years before I even realised I was nonbinary. I was using a baby names website to look at potential names for a story I wanted to write, and was looking at unisex names "because it's more convenient cos then I don't need to change it if the character's a girl or a boy". Sure mate, sure, whatever you need to tell yourself

15) If you're in a relationship...? N/A

16) Do you prefer partner, datemate, significant other, something else? I like all of those? SO is a bit long to say though and datemate feels very playful, I think I'd say that to tease my partner if I had one but not seriously. So. Partner

17) A piece of advice for questioning kids? If you're really stuck, start in very broad categories and look at what you're NOT, then gradually close in on what you are. Like, do you identify as male? Do you identify as female? Work from there in more detail eg if your answer to female is "no" and male is "wobbly hand gesture" then you can either say hey, good enough, or start looking at smaller labels and stuff

18) Which flag(s) do you use? To be honest I mostly just use the aro flag, on the basis that being ace doesn't feel that big a part of my identity, being agender feels like too much of a given to celebrate/take pride in, but the aromantic flag is very pretty

19) Any tips for bad days? Take care of yourself, fall back on your support network, see if there's any small thing you can do that will help boost your confidence

20) Do you have a favorite nonbinary blog on tumblr? Not sure if it counts but I love the corvidwritingprompts blog because the prompts are inspiring and hilarious, and I love the normalisation of neopronouns and nonbinary people

21) Feminine, masculine, androgynous...or none of those things? I'm comfortable with long-ish hair but tend to aim at more masculine-androgynous clothing to try and balance out any chance of people happily assuming I'm a woman. I love button-ups

22) What are your three favourite things about yourself? I have very nice, straight shoulder length hair which I love because it's pretty, I personally think it's pretty androgynous, and I don't really have to do anything to make it look good. I like that I'm a person who likes making things and doing things to show people I like them. I like that I'm a pretty fucking average height, it's much nicer than when I was tallest in my year, and I am also generally happy with my height it's good

[aurulenthuntsman]

-- aurulentHuntsman [AH] 8egan pestering decastichAmazifier [DA] at 17:38 --

AH: Greetings, Kavi! ~}==>

DA: o hey

AH: How are you faring this fine afternoon? ~}==>

DA: lmao uh like ngl im p much blastd

DA: so i mean its a thong

DA: 8thing

DA: wow

DA: charasistic typos

DA: fuckin noice

AH: Hmm???????? ~}==>

AH: It seems a little early in the day for drinking! ~}==>

DA: hey listen

DA: friend

DA: man

DA: len me ur ear

DA: consider this

DA: concept: its night in at least 5 places rn

AH: A fair point... Time is relative! ~}==>

AH: And perhaps that is a social construct that we put too much weight into ~}==>

AH: But traditionally, early drinking is something of a red flag... ~}==>

AH: I beg your pardon if I'm being presumptuous, but is everything alright? ~}==>

DA: uh lol i mean hello no

DA: well yeh but no

DA: idk its complicated

DA: so

DA: shrugmojis

DA: jus think about me like the fun winemom on Facebook

DA: or like those old sitcoms where its funny

DA: and not a issue like yah kids w/e

DA: u n your bottlerockets and blowin up hotdogs in microwaves

DA: i'll go get my xanex and gin

DA: laughtrack

DA: or Karen

DA: you saucy bagel u

DA: fuckin #relatable #classic #same #mood

AH: I see... So, if it's purely recreational, then the fun would only be doubled with company, correct? ~}==>

DA: oh uh....... yah gimme

DA: 45 mins

AH: Certainly! ~}==>

AURYHN: *exactly 45 minutes later, there's a little CLUNK at his window... followed by another a few seconds later.* ~}==>

KAVI: *Shitpissufck now he's gotta... he's gotta... SHOWER. And clean up. He can't be a mess anymore that's enough of that. He got all gross and pathetic on Nellie and he doesn't think he can take looking like a goddamn fool in front of another one of his friends. He quickly got showered and stumbled about his room. Now he only SLIGHTLY smells like vodka. NICE.*

KAVI: *Jumps at the window clunk.... o fuq. He goes to the window and opens it*

AURYHN: *on the ground, waving up at him with a big stupid grin on his face* ~}==>

KAVI: *WOW that's far.... also he's a smiley guy.... lays right against this window sill... Leans and lays, sliding down to chinhands at him..... casually* hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeyyyyy *calls while sliding*

AURYHN: ... HELLO, KAVI ~}==>

AURYHN: If you would please stand aside so I can climb in through your window, that would be much appreciated! ~}==>

KAVI: o

KAVI: yah

KAVI: *flumps back.... but at least he didn't see that*

AURYHN: *scurries up the tree like he had the night he slept over until he's swoocing through the window, landing gracefully on the other side.* I've arrived! ~}==>

KAVI: *Stays right here on the floor... WHY? HE DOESN'T KNOW..... but his leg is on the wall*

KAVI: *peace sign* sup

KAVI: hey

KAVI: ur sup

KAVI: is was up

KAVI: for me at least

KAVI: wbu

AURYHN: *stands over him, hands on hips, for a moment... before he drops down next to him with his feet propped against the wall as well.* Oh, you know! Exploring the city and what not ~}==>

KAVI: *Hello mountainous man tiddies, oh, hello the whole Auryhn* o... yeah sounds fun

KAVI: still gogogoin

KAVI: none naps n shit

KAVI: s'not good

AURYHN: *chuckles a little, turning his head towards him* I've managed to find time for sleep in my busy schedule... At your behest ~}==>

KAVI: *grins a lil* hah really? well damn... good yeah

KAVI: that's good, i'm glad you r

AURYHN: It was sound advice! After all... Early to bed, early to rise... Makes a man strong, wealthy and wise ~}==>

AURYHN: *grins cheesily some more, but then looks back up at the ceiling... not without a little side eye, though* I do hope you're exercising similarly healthy habits... ~}==>

KAVI: ............. *Feels the side eyeing and sweats mildly* i mean

KAVI: lol

KAVI: so

KAVI: i can

KAVI: i have some off dayz

KAVI: zzzz

KAVI: ss

AURYHN: Ah ha, so you are having an off day! ~}==>

KAVI: ...... *oh gdi* uhhhh

KAVI: alternattitvely.....

KAVI: what the fuck are on days even???????

AURYHN: Kavi, PLEASE ~}==>

AURYHN: You must know, I don't fuss over others often... ~}==>

AURYHN: I only wish to know if you're alright ~}==>

AURYHN: And if you aren't... then I would like to offer you comfort in whatever way would best help you ~}==>

AURYHN: You're my friend! And a very important one ~}==>

KAVI: *Makes a face... why does everyone have to be so supportive... why can't he just be sad and miserable and he kinda feels like shit for just dancing around it when Auryhn DOES give a shit. Even still it makes him sad to talk about and just the friendfection and the sad feels his face gets a little red.. sighs*

KAVI: *rubs his face up so he doesn't start crying again. So he just.... rubs the tears back in his eyes with his palms. Ace strats* me and.. Den, broke up. guess i'm bein a pissbaby about it idk w/e w/e

AURYHN: *oh... now he feels bad prying so much, but maybe he would have felt bad no matter what kavi said. he only knows this wasn't what he expected to hear, and he gazes at the other boy sympathetically* Oh... I... am sorry to hear that ~}==>

AURYHN: Kavi... It's only natural to feel so hurt over something like that, isn't it? ~}==>

AURYHN: *offers him a hand to hold* I certainly can't blame you ~}==>

KAVI: *Looks at the hand then at Auryhn, his brain still going way faster than his mouth can currently keep up but he looks incredulous? And definitely teary* how can u be so sure? how, how do you know i didn't fuck everything up? i can fuggin blame me easy,

KAVI: gee Kavi, maybe you can't shut the hell up about how goddamn gay you are for p much everyone??

KAVI: or maybe ya try so fuckin hard for the approval of others that you backflip off the fuckin deepend as far as people close to u are concerned

KAVI: oh, oh, here maybe you just plain weren't fuckin good enough to handle anyone on an intimate level because you're too wrapped up in your own shit to connect really?

KAVI: or just that you THINK relationships can fix anything and everything and that's myth goddamn busted because look at you!

KAVI: you can definitely blame me, i can blame me and it's deeper than that and why the fuck does anyone GIVE a shit for a fakeass dumbass when they just DON'T. KNOW. *And he's being hysterical... nice. Good job. Just. Gurgles and puts his hands back over his face, get back in there tears. Maybe it was for the best Auryhn kept seeing him like this. An Ass. His final form* i'm, fuck

KAVI: i'm sorry i, ffffffuugghhhh *gibberish and just rolls over, good bye forever*

AURYHN: *stares at him stunned for a good long moment. he doesn't have that much experience dealing with high emotion coming from other people... but listening to all this, he did understand one thing: how it felt to be critical of yourself, the need to always be impressive, the self preservation... he knew those pressures, even if he always denied them. seeing how they effected someone he cared so deeply

AURYHN: for, it sure put things into perspective for him.* ~}==>

AURYHN: Perhaps I don't know you quite as well as I think I do... As well as I would like to ~}==>

AURYHN: *flexes the hand kavi didn't take, deciding to place it on his shoulder* 8ut I have seen your compassion... When you treat me with kindness, do you mean to say it's out of selfishness? I dou8t that very much ~}==>

AURYHN: If you've made mist8kes, that's all that they are! You are not defined soley 8y your worst moments... Nor are you defined soley 8y your 8est ~}==>

AURYHN: I only mean to say... You should allow yourself this heart8r8k, Kavi ~}==>

KAVI: *While he tries to hide his shame and cry lowkey. super lowkey like... no one would suspect. He listens to Auryhn's words. Quietly sniffing and trying to keep his breathing even. They made sense.... which was good but he also didn't feel like he deserved those kind words. Like he's dropping this plate of Hot Mess(tm) that's his own damn self and no one is backing up with their hands in the air*

KAVI: ....why're u so nice..

AURYHN: *scoffs* You know, not many people would agree that I am... I know that for a F8CT... ~}==>

AURYHN: *sighs* But it is easy to be kind to someone who has been kind to you, I believe ~}==>

KAVI: *that's so.. cheesy but also.. it helps. He loves cheese. Sniffs again and wipes his hands on his shirt, trying to calm down* cheddar... pure... 100% milk gdi, ugh... i'm so gross rn

KAVI: you came here for a good time and now idk ur nice you probably don't feel attacked rn

KAVI: it's like playing the floor is lava and we're laying in this shit right now

KAVI: because we're on the floor

KAVI: no imagination required on that part

AURYHN: *snorts* Then what are we doing on the floor? Allow me to rescue you from a fiery demise! ~}==>

AURYHN: *rolls to sit before scooping up kavi with no real warning* I used to play "the floor is lava" when I was a wriggler ~}==>

AURYHN: And I would pretend to be a wise dragon sentinel in my castle upon a volcanic mountain! ~}==>

AURYHN: Which I later went on to insist upon a hive of my own... Though I could not find a volcano, the snowy Avalon mountains suited me just fine ~}==>

AURYHN: *carries kavi over to his plush pile and sets him down. there. he's safe here.* ~}==>

KAVI: *Oh he got scooped. His face is all red from the crying as he looks up at Auryhn while he talks and walks with him. The story is a cute one, he breathes out a short laugh then looks away. Not now dokis gdi* wow... hah

KAVI: yeah they, they did you good *sniff* that's pretty cute tho

AURYHN: *kneels in front of the pile, grinning at him* A young Auryhn would disagree... It was quite a noble pursuit ~}==>

AURYHN: But present Auryhn has the insight to agree that, yes, it was rather adorable... ~}==>

AURYHN: Also, are you comfortable? ~}==>

KAVI: its cute and noble lol he'd have to deal with it *settles back in all this gd plushness*

KAVI: also

KAVI: hell yes

AURYHN: Excellent! ~}==>

AURYHN: Would you like anything else? A blanket, perhaps? A pair of strong arms to cry into? ~}==>

AURYHN: *FLEXES* ~}==>

KAVI: .....

KAVI: yes

KAVI: *lifts arms*

AURYHN: *here he comes, leaning in for the snuggles. welcome to his STRONG embrace.* ~}==>

KAVI: *This is a nice embrace..... He cuddles into it. Nice.... :'S :') :'S *

AURYHN: *squeezes him close, resting his cheek against his head. the closeness makes his face flare with heat, but... that's hardly appropriate right now! he ignores it as best he can.* There there... ~}==>

KAVI: .....*SNRK*

KAVI: where is my broom?

KAVI: where are my pets

KAVI: i need my awkward distant pets

AURYHN: Your broom???????? I thought you were a wizard, not a witch ~}==>

AURYHN: *LAUGHS. he might not get the Reference, but he thinks he's hilarious...* I can provide you with sincere, close range pets, however ~}==>

AURYHN: *rubs at his back* ~}==>

KAVI: lol i'll take those..... and also i'll show you memes later *snuggles into him*

AURYHN: Memes, hmm? Well, I look forward to it... ~}==>

AURYHN: *rumbles a little in his chest. he tries not to chirr much, but... now seems like a good time to break out the comforting bug sounds.* ~}==>

AURYHN: For now, you relax ~}==>

KAVI: you'll regret it... but we're makin it happen *laughs softly and cuddles up here against these bug noises... he does like him some bug noises...* kk i'll do that

KAVI: you're cozy

KAVI: great cuddlemate

KAVI: a plus plus smiley face

KAVI: and thanks lol

AURYHN: You're welcome, Kavi... You're welcome for my comforting embrace... ~}==>

AURYHN: *gentle snickering, but he's starting to get relaxed enough to nap himself...* ~}==>