#feeling a bit suffocated in a way that i don't know how to articulate without hurting feelings

[kaissatou]

you can be alice (i'll be the mad hatter) (18+)

whenever i wanna write an actual fic it ends up as head-cannons instead bc i cant think of any plot ughh :3 i'll make an actual fic of yandere!gojo if anything can think of a plot pretty pls- so this is just how i think yandere satoru would act lolol tw: smut, manipulative behaviour, stalking?, abuse of power

Yandere!Gojo's obsession with you runs deep.

He wants- no, he needs you to rely on him. He's the strongest, after all. Satoru is easy to rile up, and he's also extremely possessive. The idea of you relying on somebody whose not him has him working himself up, becoming irrationally jealous. Satoru will go to extreme lengths if it means keeping you by his side, forever.

Around others, it's hard to see a difference in Satoru's persona. He's still just as charming, as ever (as he likes to call himself), but really, its just a carefully crafted act. He only wants to keep you close, to keep you sane. He doesn't change, the same as ever. No one bats an eye- because no one knows his crazed thoughts about you. His obsession starts subtle; no one realises, because its same old Gojo. Lingering touches on your shoulder, chapped kisses on your forehead. He'll shower you with affection, overly expensive gifts and the full attention of Satoru Gojo himself, but its all a ploy to make you feel dependent on him, as if you could never live without him. Who would be there to pay your bills, or take you to restuarants you could never dream of affording?

Satoru's sly, and he's also manipulative- though he has an articulate way of going about it. He's overly casual, like he really doesn't know what he's doing or saying. But he's pulling the strings. His controlling ways are subtle at first. He'll interfere with your plans with Shoko, pulling you along to the movies with him instead, referring to himself as your saviour. Because to him, he really believes that he is. It carries along like this, until it's not so subtle anymore. And in no time, you find yourself distanced from your friends, but not from Satoru. No, he's always there with you- because why would you need other friends, when you have him?

And really, it would be no use for you to try and do anything that's not under his watchful eye, anyway. If you did go out without him, something would conveniently come up- a special grade curse? No fear, Gojo's just around the corner. Gojo's popular, and he can control crowds with a bat of his eye, a flick of his hand. Anyone who acts just a bit too friendly towards you, Satoru will...handle. Rumours spread fast; you know that, right?

You've caught Gojo watching you around the school countless times now- to which you confront him, and it's always the same response: "I'm just watching out for you!" And at first, you (dumbly) believe it. Satoru will track your every move, but really, he just wants to look out for you! There's no harm in that, right?

If you're out, whether it's doing something mundane like grocery shopping or out for coffee with Suguru and Shoko, Satoru will be there. Sometimes, it's a coincidence (or so you think), or sometimes, he just tags along like a lost puppy. As time passes, his coincidental appearances become more frequent. You quickly realise it may not be a coincidence anymore (or if it ever was).

Satoru Gojo has mastered the perfect façade. He's able to meticulously craft and manipulate situations to favour him, to allow him to see you (more often than what's considered healthy for friends). He'll persuade (threaten) Yaga to be put on missions with you, and somehow, after having a not so friendly chat with your landlord, he's got a key to your apartment- a key that you don't know about. Gojo will use his power to his advantage, and he feels no remorse about it. Anything's worth it to get to you.

Satoru is clingy. His love for you is overwhelming, suffocating at times. He constantly wants you to feel dependent on him, and he'll do anything to get you that way. pliant and submissive. You don't need to go on grocery runs anymore because Satoru's already got your shopping from the most high-end market for you! Don't question how he got into your home, though. He'll constantly remind you that everything he does is for your benefit. At first, the idea of being doted on by him is comforting, his affection providing a safe sense of security, but in time, it becomes clear that his love is extremely unhealthy. It's hard to get a movement to breathe with him around. Again, he's manipulative. There's no way to escape his presence.

When he confesses, it'll either go one of two ways- you'll accept, intimidated by him and clever enough to know what strings he'll pull if you decline his romances. Or you'll say no, and disappoint Satoru, because he really thought you knew better than this! However, he seems to take it fine. It's chilling, the way his lips flatten out into a thin line, and the way he nods his head, almost emotionless, and you get to believe that its finally over. But, you didn't know Gojo as well as you thought.

Satoru would never dream of hurting you, not in a million years- but really, it was your fault that it all came down to this. Satoru knew deep down that you had to love him back, and this was his way of giving you that final push! Everything was normal at first, until subtly, everyone started steering clear of you, even Suguru and Shoko! And was it a mistake that all the curses you had to fight were stronger than you had been told by Ijichi, leaving you blindsided? Satoru always came to save the day, giving you a sly grin. You knew what he was doing, and there was only one way to fix it.

Gojo accepts with with open arms, acting like nothing ever happened. He'll comfort you with soft words, murmuring that you just needed that little last push, that all you need from now on is him.

And when he finally gets to fuck you, its feral. He's frenzied and crazed, nipping and sucking and whatever skin he can get, sucking dark pretty purple hickeys all over your neck, leaving a trail of warm spit in their wake. His mouth will trail lower, savouring the taste of your salty skin against his tongue. When he tastes your pussy for the first time, he actually moans. He purrs like your pussy is his lifeline. How can someone be so gentle yet so rough at the same time?

Satoru can. He's ravenous, yet you don't know that he's only lubing you up to take his fat cock. He'll split you open, watching you wriggle and writhe in his strong grip, your pleasure (and pain) doing the most to spur him on. It's, really. It's dirty, and he loves it. His nimble fingers will pinch and flick at your clit meanly, teasingly but its just so good.

He'll fuck you through your orgasm, but he wont stop- not until he's had his full. There's no end in sight, not when he's pining over you for months, years! You'd be stupid to think that he'd pull out before the sun rise; infact, Satoru would stay situated inside your gooey, wet warm walls forever if he could. But duty calls, so he'll relish in the time he has for the time being.

After all, you have so much lost time to make up.

You'll just have to make it up to him forever. Its okay, he's a patient man when it comes to you.

[benjineedssleep]

also yes hi i'm not dead, just really fucking unwell. i'll be fine but not being chronically online and talking to like four total people has had a massive part in grounding me. not quite on the path of healing yet but it's better, in a way.

more below if you wanna know about my writing struggles the past month. bc it's been hard with all that's going on and i need to air it out

i've been trying to consume stuff to help remind me i like storytelling n whatnot. because it's been a bit hard in the sense i haven't found reason to keep doing what i do. not that i think i suck but just because i've let myself forget why i write in the first place (and thus have stunted my creativity). so a block for sure, but not in the way i usually experience it. i have ideas and the words are in my head, but translating it to the page has been awful and horrendous and stress inducing in a way that's not normal for my process. it should be challenging, not make me cry in the way i have been.

i've also been struggling with the fact i know my writing is good. i don't think i'm the best or anything, don't get me wrong. and even so, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging you have skill, as long as you're not a pretentious asshole about it (which i hope the fuck i'm not coming off as complaining here--). but being good, that's what's been getting to me. because i know i write well, and so do my two best friends, but now more than us know that. and i don't necessarily mind that. i don't write for other people so their opinions don't tend to effect me all that much. but lately it's been weird because being liked has made me feel like i make other people feel shitty about their own stuff..? idk how to word it but i know it's not my responsibility to manage other people's emotions by squashing my own art and/or hiding it. i'm not doing that and have no plans to. if i was, i would've probably orphaned everything two weeks ago and never posted again. absolutely fucked off into oblivion. but that'd've been impulsive and dramatic, so instead i've kind of just internalized it.

it also feels really shitty because genuine compliments and adoration is a good thing. and i'm not a fucking celebrity, it hasn't gotten parasocial. the people who tell me they like my writing are my fucking friends and mutuals and whoever the fuck. but above all, people i fucking know. i shouldn't feel the way i do and i don't want people to stop telling me they like my stuff or encouraging me, but my god right now it feels really fucking suffocating. it's almost like, or at least my brain tells me, that in part my fear to continue to interact with people is rooted in my ability to be articulate. and i'm not. the way i write is so far from who i am as a person. not the content, the content is so intrinsically tied to me, but the way in which i write. i always know what to say and i wonder if because of that people hold me to a higher standard. even if that's my brain telling me that.

and look. i'm just some guy who sometimes has a way with words. and i can't always be like that. i don't always have the privilege of time and ctrl z and dump docs when i'm talking to people, even in text. because even when i can delete and rework before sending a message, even if i really mean what i say, the regret i carry for speaking at all is so far from the regret of a paragraph in a fic people like regardless. i just don't get suffocating anxiety from shit i wrote years ago.

y'know just earlier too i was reading a mutual's story (and god i'm so sorry if you see this) but i nearly started crying because i was like oh god now what if she fucking hates me for whatever reason??? and it's so fucking dumb to even think that about people without a lick of evidence to back it up, but that's how it's been lately. i could not have a conversation with someone in a while because of my own fucking stupidity and it'll not only keep me up at night, but make me have a near meltdown just READING.

so on top of feeling bad for being good at something i have busted my ass to be good at, my dumbass brain has been telling me that every little thing i do, everything, can somehow be seen as bad in someone's eyes and make them hate me. i could just exist without someone knowing a thing about me and my brain is like "they want you dead btw" WHAT THE HELLLLL

other more personal stuff hasn't made any of this any easier for me if i'm being honest. people are just unkind and i'm far from forgiving of myself, even of things that genuinely had no impact on someone. i could type something out and delete it, start a sentence and cut it short, and i will still treat it as if the person knew what i said. and the worst part about it? it could be something so normal too. something so harmless, but my brain just loves to see it as the worst thing i could have ever done.

all this goes to say, i've been trying to force myself to do things i like in spite of the totally nonsensical bullshit happening in my brain rn. because it's a lot. and i should be medicated but i make the mistake of telling myself it's not that bad until i'm pacing around the bathroom at work or a friend's house or in public because i can't fucking breathe!!! :D

like i said, i'll be okay. things will figure themselves out even if it means treating my progressively worsening and debilitating anxiety (amongst other things...) with meds. and i'm gonna keep trying to write. because really it's all i've got and all i've had for such a massive chunk of my life. one of the only constants.

and i like telling stories. so i'll tell them.

[merakiaes]

To begin with, I'm full of contradictions, utterly boring, very insecure and highly complicated. I would say my strongest personality traits are my kindness, calmness and sympathy. It's almost impossible to scare or upset me, because I always see the good in a person and recognize where anger, frustration and despair come from. There's no cruelty in me at all. I'm open and impartial towards everything and everyone, without any judgment or prejudice. I also have a calming/grounding effect on other people and animals, which is great because I honestly love all sorts of animals (I'm also a vegetarian because I refuse to intentionally hurt any animal). I'm always well-meaning and there to help others. I despise people who enjoy the suffering of others, just because they have the 'power' to. I'm very open-minded and I think that every opinion matters and that whatever someone has to say is important, at least to them and therefore for me. I will never ignore someone's sorrows and suffering and I try my hardest to help and comfort as best I can. But, even though I see the good in everything, I'm very insecure myself and have little love and understanding for myself. I have a very bad self-esteem and not a particularly positive self-perception, which mostly defines my actions. It makes me believe that I'm a burden to others and that I annoy them. I feel like I'm not "worthy" of love/there's nothing lovable about me, that there are too many problems in contrast to the little good things. Nevertheless, I would never change myself for anything or anyone, I am who I am. This is one of many reasons why I try to stay away and distance myself from others. For me, dealing and interacting with people is really difficult, because I'm so clumsy and nervous around them and easily feel like I'm making a fool out of myself. Another reason is that I fear to be rejected and thrown aside when someone sees how boring, problematic and annoying I actually am. It's also hard for me and incredible frustrating that I'm unable to articulate myself the way I want to, so that I mostly stay silent. And, since I'm a very quiet and rather shy person, I prefer people who initiate the contact and talk a lot/like to talk, who do the talking instead of me, but without intending to suppress myself. You would be surprised how timid and reserved I am, I'm sure you wouln't notice me in a room full of people if it wouldn't be for my different appearance (I'm always wearing only black, have dyed my hair a little and two ear piercings). Because I'm easily sad and not a funny/joking person, I like and enjoy people who are not too serious themselves. And I'm the most loyal person you'll ever find, once you earn my trust, I'll always be on/by your side, no matter what. I've always felt alienated from my surroundings, like I don't belong anywhere, like I'm the only cat in a room full of dogs. That's probably why I have a soft spot for the weirdos, outcasts, loners and "crazy" ones. Though, in my opinion, the definition of normal, crazy and real are very subjective. My whole life I've felt kinda judged, misunderstood and unwanted. People often falsely think that my unassuming nature is naivity and take my social-insecurity for aloofness and coldness. I'm also quite opinionated and aware of what I want, how I feel and who I am. I'm often questioning my surroundings, the traditions and rules and if I believe that something is wrong, I have absolutely no problem challenging others, even authority. I'm a perfectionist, which often leads me to overthinking and that can be equally good and bad. I'm absolutely clueless in romance and totally oblivious to flirting because I'm 100% inexperienced in this stuff, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic.

I crave physical touch and am literally melting into and bathing in any sort of touch, but I'm way too reluctant to initiate it. I'm rather sentimental with things given to me by people who I deeply care for, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem. Sadly, I'm not good with words to repeat how much someone means to me and I never know how to show/act on it either. I'm lazy, forgetful and sleepy most of the time and too much people, noise and light is exhausting for me. That's why I prefer to cozy up at home, watching a movie or TV show and listen to music. Music is my greatest passion, even if I can't sing or play an instrument. It's the most calming and therapeutic when it comes to my anxiety and depression and I could never live a day without it. When no one is around, I even sing along really loudly and off-tune. The meaning music has for me is hard to put into words, but it's my sanctuary for when I feel like my thoughts and feelings are suffocating me. You will never see me in the street without headphones in my ears and even when I'm at home there's music playing almost all the time. I could talk for hours about music and what it means to me. My taste in movies is more horror, fantasy and drama and in music it's rock, punk and pop, but for both I enjoy when it's themed around mental illness and real-life problems and when it's from the 80s and 90s. I like vintage things and would love to live in the 80's. I love the feeling of freedom and liveliness. My favourite weather is when it's gloomy and more cold, when it's pouring big fat drops and the air smells like rain and my favourite season is autumn because of the weather, colors, temperatures, flavors and overall aesthetic. I'm on the curvy-side and incredible insecure about it, although I really don't want to be. Once I trust you, I would love to talk for hours about music, movies, dreams, fears or anything alike and life in general, no matter how silly it may seems. I have a fascination for dark and macabre things. I also love to take late-night strolls, to gaze at the nightsky and literally feeling the freedom and infinity. My favourite colours are dark green, black, dark purple and gold. I love the scent of peppermint, cinnamon and the forest. I love plants and would love to decorate my home with them, but unfortunately I don't have a green thumb at all. I like ivy, lavender and roses the most. I wish I could live peacefully in a cottage, surrounded by a forest and many animals. I feel little conected to where I lwas born/am living and I'm deeply convinced that my soul belongs in the UK, always has.

+  Could I please request a male matchup for Stranger Things and Peaky Blinders? I'm female, she/her. (I know you said that no amount is too much, but I still hope that I didn't exaggerate here - and I'm sorry for any spelling and grammatical errors, english isn't my first language)

STRANGER THINGS

I ship you with Billy Hargrove!

This is somewhat of a controversial ship that can be both good and bad depending on the circumstances. I’m choosing to look at it from a positive perspective so bear with me.

Kindness, calmness and sympathy are your strongest personality traits and that is just what Billy Hargrove needs to bring him back to reality, because it is my opinion that the Billy we’ve gotten to see is only the version of himself that he has allowed us to see. 

Billy’s automatic response when someone tries to help him by digging into his emotions is to get angry and defensive. Why? Because he’s put so much time and effort into building up walls around himself in order to not have to feel all his pain over and over again, and every time someone comes and pokes holes in those walls, he snaps.

He’s so used to not being loved and being abandoned that he automatically assumes that people who come off as supportive are going to leave eventually, too. So in his mind, he might as well scare people away at once so that he doesn’t get his hopes up and ruins the walls that he’s put so much into. That’s just easier for everyone.

But although he succeeds in pushing people away by getting angry and therefore succeeding in protecting himself from more heartbreak, he still feels a subconscious guilt when seeing how much he scares people, because that’s how scared he is of his dad. He treats people like his dad treats him and it destroys him to live with that, but he just doesn’t know how to do anything else at this point because his only purpose in life now is to uphold those walls, by whatever means necessary, so while I don’t condone his behavior, nor do I support mentally abusive relationships, I do from a psychological standpoint, think that it would help Billy that you don’t get scared easily. 

Seeing people get so scared, even if it’s by his own doing, breaks him down more and more every time, a little at a time, and it would change everything for him to be met by something else than that immediate fear. He would be faced with an outcome he hasn’t experienced before, which is being seen as something more than a monster; or more specifically to him, being seen as something other than a replica of his dad, because I can guarantee you that that’s something that keeps him up at night. 

Anyone can say that they understand, that they know where someone is coming from, that even if they don’t understand, they can see a persons reasons. But a lot of the times, this is just a case of empty words. Billy knows this and that’s another reason that he doesn’t let people in when they try to get closer, and he proves his point by getting angry at them and seeing the way they react. All of them get scared and leave. Rightfully so, but it also does proves the point in his logic. 

You say that you have a calming and grounding effect on people which is something he’d really benefit from, as well. He naturally surrounds himself with people who match his energy; impulsive, wild, preferably illegal, with little to no thought of consequences. That’s his form of self-harm - to constantly surround himself with things and people that are bad for him, who likes his bad boy-image and encourages his bad behavior.

What he needs is something else entirely; and that is to be in a calm environment. He needs silence, peace, and even if just for a while, just anything but excitement. He needs someone who won’t encourage his chaotic and reckless lifestyle like most of the people he hangs out with do, in order to bring himself back down to earth and find himself again. 

Once he actually meets someone genuine and like-minded and realizes that they’re there to stay, he’d most likely accept the help he’s offered. And after that, he would be so loving toward his significant other because he’d never want her to feel like he does. He would want her to be the happiest person on the planet and if there’s something I’ve learned, myself, it’s that the people who love the hardest are usually the ones who have been loved the least. So if you were feeling insecure, he would lift you up and compliment you constantly, always let you know how beautiful and amazing he finds you, and how lucky he is to have you. He’d be so overly loving and appreciative toward you and everything you do that you’d rarely even have the time to get stuck with your self-doubt.

He, too, feels like he’s undeserving of love, because when has he ever been shown differently? So I also think it would give him somewhat of a wake-up call to see someone he cares about, or just such a kind, genuine person in general, feeling like that. At the same time, I also think he’d react strongly to the way you accept yourself and refuse to change for anyone despite all the self-doubt you have, because that requires an insane amount of strength. It would probably inspire him a lot to be better, himself.

Billy would, most definitely, be the one to initiate contact with you just like he does every other female in his presence. Maybe it’s my mind being too mushed together by all the fanfiction I’ve read over the years, but I feel that once he got to know you, he would just fall for you on the spot. Not just “fall”, either. He’d trip on his shoelaces, fall on his face and roll down a flight of stairs once he finally managed to wrap his head around the fact that you understand, that you care and that you’re not going anywhere.

After initiating contact and coming to that realization, he wouldn’t mind just spending time with you in silence. All that talking he does is nothing more than a façade he’s put up to feel less out of place, less pathetic about being so weak around his dad, but it’s not the real him at all. Billy has been cold and guarded for so long that he, just like you, no longer knows how to communicate his feelings through words, either. Instead, he tends to show his emotions through his actions, so I can imagine there being a lot of silence. Mutual silence.

Would he still enjoy having genuine conversations with you? Yes, absolutely. As would he never hesitate to joke around if you felt down and needed to laugh. But he would also feel safe enough with you to be silent and vulnerable, without feeling that pressure to always keep talking and acting like he does when he’s with other people. He pretends to be comfortable, pretends to fit in, but in reality, he feels out of place, too. He’s felt unwanted, judged and misunderstood for most of his life just like you describe yourself to have done.

He has fooled around with a lot of girls but he’s still touch-starved, because no-strings-attached relations doesn’t do anything for him other than provide a temporary distraction. It never gives him the emotional, sentimental, meaningful proximity that he needs, so you have in common to crave physical touch and it would be a mutual thing for the two of you to show your emotions through touch rather than words.

You also have your love for music in common, and it’s so fitting because you like the same genres, which would only give him another way to be free around you. I can just imagine the two of you belting out your highest notes, totally off-key, while blaring rock music in his car.

To finish it off, loyalty is something he values above everything which is why he can never really hold on to long-term relationships or friendships. The only person who has ever been truly loyal to him was his mom, and even she made the active choice to leave him in the end, which is where his commitment issues stem from. So the fact that you’re genuinely loyal will be a complete game-changer. 

He, too, loves the feeling of being free, and I have no doubt in my mind that the two of you would find ways to feel that way together without him going back to his old, problematic methods.

Like I’ve mentioned before, I definitely don’t condone his behavior nor do I encourage anyone to stay in a toxic and abusive relationship, whether it be mental, emotional, or physical abuse. I don’t like savior-complexes and I don’t encourage anyone to get together with a “bad boy” because they think they can “cHaNgE HiM”.

But I feel like Billy is one of those cases that has certain circumstances that makes him a bit of an exception. He’s made some reaaaally bad choices and treated people very badly which he still has to be held accountable for, but going forward, he could be an amazing person if only he got reminded of what it feels like to be loved. Because at this point, he’s probably completely forgotten it, and living without love for so long will drive any person into madness.

I still wouldn’t recommend someone heading into a relationship with him solely for the purpose of “changing him”, but I do think that, if the right person came along on random, these changes wouldn’t at all be impossible.

The way he behaves toward people can’t be excused and he still needs to own up to his behavior and mistakes, but I think we’ve gotten it proven at the end of last season that he actually does want to be better and that all he needed toward the end was to be shown some genuine love in order to be able to make that change. 

 PEAKY BLINDERS

I ship you with Arthur Shelby!

Arthur is like Billy in a lot of ways, so this is a controversial one too for the same reasons, but Arthur is also very different.

While Billy has built up tall, strong, practically non-penetrable walls around himself to avoid having to feel anything, Arthur is much more emotional and aware of his mistakes since he never really managed to use his trauma to build up a protective wall, but rather just let them pile up without knowing how to properly process them so that he’s now stuck having to feel it all at once with no way out. 

He was left really vulnerable after his dad left which, I think, made him more open for the trauma he experienced during the war. It is my honest opinion that, had his dad still been in the picture, he would’ve been a lot less unstable today. But, as we know, his dad left him and his siblings, and that was the first trigger to a long line of domino bricks.

At this point, he’s so damaged that he has no sense of self-worth, whatsoever. He doesn’t feel worthy of love or a good life even though he wishes and dreams of it, so once he actually finds someone who wants to be with him, he falls hard, and would do anything in his power to be the best possible partner.

He’d be so romantic, so loving, so eager to please that he’d agree to pretty much anything requested of him. He’d abandon all of his other responsibilities to just live a happy life with you so living peacefully in a secluded area in a cottage with lots of animals is not something he would be opposed to at all. Nor would taking late-night strolls or staying in with you when everyone else goes out to drink be, because I’m certain that the only reason he drinks is because being sober on his own is too painful. 

His way of acting out with anger and violence is nothing more than a product of his environment. Every day, every sound, every smell, every person he surrounds himself with, are triggers to his multiple traumas and the longer he surrounds himself with chaos, the more he’s going to lose himself to his anger – because anger is the only emotion through which he knows how to handle his trauma, as no one has ever tried helping him onto a healthier road of recovery but rather just told him to “suck it up”.

So the fact that you’re so kind, calm, sympathetic and understanding, and that you’re recognize where anger, frustration and despair comes from, that you’re open and impartial toward everyone without any judgment or prejudice, and also have a calming and grounding effect on people would just help him so much. Everyone else that he frequently surrounds himself with are big parts of the problem that is his mental illnesses and aggressive and violent tendencies. They do nothing to help but rather encourages it and fuels the fire so they can use his anger for their own winning.

He’s just constantly told to suck it up, be a man, have a drink or three, snort a line of cocaine, blah blah blah. The way his mental instability is treated by his inner circle is the literal embodiment of toxic masculinity and does nothing to help his case, because then he starts hating himself even more for feeling all the emotions that he does.

So, once given the correct support that he needs, he would pay you right back by making sure you never go a day without being told how amazing you are and how lucky he is to have you. He would throw, or at least try to his absolute best ability to do so, all of your insecurities out the window before they’d even gotten the chance to get through the door. He would literally adore you and, metaphorically speaking, be ready to eat straight out of your palm if told to do so.

All he needs is kindness, understanding and most of all patience, because while he is a work in progress, he is trying.

[fairycosmos]

I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.

hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.

i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine.  yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.