#exploring saeyoung's trauma in the agency is something i think about a lot

[natasha-in-space]

Every so often, I can't help but think about all the dirty jobs Saeyoung had to do during his time as an agent. I'm not talking about the usual digital crime stuff he feels comfortable enough to mention openly. I'm talking of those missions he'd rather just shut up and never speak a word about. What about all the missions that went wrong for him, back when he was still young and inexperienced?

The fact that he has blood on his hands is apparent to us. But, do you ever think about whether or not he was forced to kill an innocent? Be it by some cruel accident or by direct order from the higher ups he had no choice but to obey? Have you ever thought of him having to make a quick elimination on yet another corrupt member of society, only to realize that his family, who has nothing to do with this, had seen him?

Have you ever thought about him doing everything he can to fix this: coming up with shaky lies on the spot, attempting to fabricate evidence, eventually resorting to pitiful begging that goes nowhere. But there should not be any witnesses. It's too late to turn back now. He got sloppy. His DNA is already on the scene of the crime. If he refuses, he not only puts his own safety at risk, but these people will get eliminated regardless. The least he can do is make it quick and painless. Have you ever thought of him still having to come back to his sad parody of a home and pretend like everything is fine? Like this was just another Tuesday, and not one of the most sickening things he had to do and witness?

Have you imagined him sitting down, staring at his bloodied hands with a blank and glassy look to his eyes, his weapon still in his grasp, and his ears ringing from every shot he has fired? Have you ever thought of him feeling so utterly disgusted and ashamed of himself that it almost seems like the silver cross on his neck that has always brought him a sense of security, is burning through his clothes and straight into his flesh? He won't take it off, no matter how heavy it feels. He wears it as a constant reminder of the sins these hands have committed. He knows that God has seen it all. He knows that, much like Lucifer, he will never be allowed to step foot over the Heaven's Gates. His soul is too sullied. Too dirty. Too sinful.

I feel like these are the days when he goes complete MIA. He tells everyone in the RFA later that he just slept through these few days.

He maintains contact with V, just in case. But, really, he spends these few days just... in a daze. Luciel has no remorse for selling his entire life away to guarantee his brother's happiness. He does not regret sullying his hands in the darkest sins this world had to offer, if only it means that Saeran's hands will get to do all the good things he has always dreamed about. He does not regret forsaking his own childhood, because he never thought of himself as a child in the first place.

But, in these moments... as the events of what he has done continue to unfold in his head over and over again, like he never even left, he feels it. Regret. Guilt. Disgust.

Luciel harbors a deep hatred towards his parents. He hates his joke of a mother, who has brought nothing but endless torment on her own children for ruining the life she foolishly destroyed all by herself, something he despises with all his heart. He hates his father for forcing them to live in constant fear and paranoia, just for the unforgivable crime of being born into this world. He hates every bystander who has done nothing to correct such an unfair act of pure cruelty unfolding right in front of their eyes.

But, as his vacant gaze keep drifting back to the equipment he has stashed away in one of his many drawers, a grim thought claws at his insides, tearing him apart piece by piece like a vicious parasite feeding on his flesh: is he... really that different from them?

Vanderwood ends up being the one find him, slouched in his seat, his hands still caked and crusty with blood. They just sigh, already knowing what happened. It's something they all had to go through. They just sit next to him, letting the younger agent know he's not alone. And, once Luciel's shoulders start to shake with choked, painful sobs, they don't say a word. They just let him break down into their arms.

It's one of the rarer moments of tenderness between the two.

[marshmallowprotection]

It doesn't seem likely that Saeyoung would be okay with an MC with kids during his own route, but how do you think he would react to meeting someone with kids after the events of Ray's AE? I can see it working out a lot better in this context

Alright, Anon, you've found the loophole. In the context of this situation, there is nothing that would make this an impossible scenario.

Part of the reason why it's so difficult to imagine an MC with kid(s) in Saeyoung’s Route is due to how much danger you’re in. Not only was it stupid to go to a secondary location, but it's also that much more stupid to take somebody who is a child into a situation like that.

His trust in you would be slim to none at that point given how much he wants to protect children from ever falling into a situation that they don't need to be anywhere near. On top of that, he is afraid of hurting innocent people, and having you and a child in that situation that he's in would not mesh well. He wouldn't be able to trust you or he wouldn't be safe later on in the stress of his route since he would be adamant you stay with Jumin until he saved his twin.

But, if we were to imagine him meeting somebody with children after Ray Route instead, that seems to be the safest and most reasonable option. He isn't going to be afraid something bad is going to happen because every threat that could have gotten to him will be more or less taken care of.

There are always people who he pissed off when he was an agent in the years he was trapped, but the threat of those people is a lot less terrifying to him than Saejoong or the Agency were. He can handle a single threat a lot better than a large threat. The devil he knows is so much better than the devil he doesn't. His paranoia has him prepared for a nuclear war if we want to get right down to it.

Since he doesn't have to be afraid that something is going to go horribly wrong, that means he's going to have an easier time settling into a relationship with someone. Of course, this isn't something that's going to come without a lot of work. He needs to work on himself for a while before he's ready for any relationship.

He has to figure out what he wants out of life because he no longer has to live solely for his brother. He can make a life for himself and that's terrifying because he's never thought about that before. Sure, there was a time when he had dreams and aspirations, but he never let himself get too far into them.

It's hard to say how long it's going to take for him to figure out what he wants out of life. He probably needs to do what Saeran is doing. Saeyoung needs to travel and explore his options so he doesn’t feel like he’s been left behind. He's the kind of person that is always doing for other people because he's just that self-sacrificial.

So, he needs to learn how to be selfish and want things for himself before he can settle into a relationship. There are a lot of factors that are going to affect him when he gets into a relationship, as well. It's not just the stuff we know... like, how he is insecure and afraid of his reflection in the mirror.

He needs to learn how to take off his mask and since he isn't sure who the person is underneath all of those layers of trauma, it's going to be difficult to know who he is as a person by himself, much less in a relationship. 

All that aside, how likely is it that he'd fall in love with a person who already has a kid(s)?

The likelihood of him falling for somebody who already has children is just as likely as him falling for somebody who doesn't have children. The only difference in this situation is that if you already have a child, he is going to have to confront a lot of things ahead of time that he wouldn't have otherwise in a relationship with somebody who didn't have children.

That is to say, who is he if not a man who fears becoming his parents?

His worst nightmare is doing something horrible to somebody just as it was done to him. The last thing he wants is to be his mother or father. Even if there's no chance that he would ever be anything like them, it doesn't mean he's going to stop being afraid of the likelihood that it could happen. That's going to be a problem for him. A major kind of problem that doesn't go away in a day.

This is going to be a problem for him no matter what the context is for having children. It doesn't matter if you're having them, adopting them, or what have you, he's always going to be dealing with this internalized fear that many abused children have when they become adults and they consider having a family of their own. Saeran will be likely to fear the same thing, too.

Falling in love with somebody is the easy part. 

It's everything that comes after that that'll be difficult for Saeyoung. Strangely enough, he's great with kids and he really has no sort of reasonable backing to think otherwise. He knows how to make a kid laugh and make them feel comfortable. It's that part of him that leans into his joking nature to cope and hide how nervous he is.

It's easy to put on that mask again and play the part of a fool to amuse somebody. It works when he's looking after some kids. The hard part is learning how to be more than just the funny guy who makes the kids laugh.

He can be very supportive and make sure that a kid doesn't feel like they've been forgotten because he knows what that feels like. The problem for him is when it comes to serious discussions because he gets overwhelmed with the fear that he might say or do the wrong thing which would put a kid in trouble later.

What if he says the wrong thing?

What if his advice is bad?

I don't see him having any problem with falling in love with somebody because he is somebody who loves a lot and once he's comfortable with it, there's no doubt in my mind that he would be able to enjoy it.

I only see him having a problem with confronting his fears and paranoia. That can be a lot for somebody to deal with, not just himself. So, it doesn't matter if you have a kid or not, be prepared for the fact that having a relationship with him means that you're going to have to confront a lot of things that you might not have ever considered, and you need to be willing to be patient with him as he learns how to be human. You're not putting all the work into this, though, he is going to have to put in as much effort as you do since this is a mutual relationship that goes both ways. 

Tackle his insecurities with him and see if it works out, that's the only advice I can give for somebody who wants to be in a relationship with him.