#excerpts from remus lupin's journals

[violetthistle1]

“Were you able to convince any to join us?” Sirius asked

“I–not exactly.” Remus stammered.

“What does that mean, not exactly?”

“Not yet, no.”

“Not yet?” Sirius flinched away. “Not yet? Hold on, that sounds like you’re going back, but that’s not possible.”

“I made some progress, on some of them at least, but the last moon–it went all wrong, and I had to make some bold decisions which might have blown the whole thing, I don’t know, but when I go back, I could fix it, at least with some of them, I know I can, I just need to convince Dumbledore–”

“Hold on, this was supposed to be a one-time thing, a two-week mission, in and out, grab who you could, what information you could, and get out, what changed?”

“Sirius, it was never going to be that. I knew going in there that the likelihood of changing someone’s mind in two weeks as a newcomer was near nill.”

“You knew that going in? You didn’t think that might be something to share with me? I’m only your boyfriend!”

“I thought you knew that! I thought there was an unspoken understanding that this was a dynamic thing that might change the second I got in there! There was no predicting how it would go down! I couldn’t predict it, and Dumbledore certainly couldn’t do better than me in that regard!”

“I would have never let you go if I had known any of that!”

“Let me go?” Remus repeated. “As if you have some sort of say over what missions they send me on? Tell me, when was the last time anyone consulted me when you went out on your top-secret missions?”

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now!

10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[moon-meteor-star-sun]

I think that Remus would have a journal titled “Things I want to say”, and it’s mostly the rude remarks in his head about other people. He’d bring it with him everywhere and write in it constantly.

He’d have a six page rant about something and the next entry would just say “I might have overreacted.”

“No, Pads, that won’t get you detention. You’ll totally get away with it.”

He’d also occasionally have self-deprecating entries and (moving away from the angst) comments to himself like “I need to build a bridge and get the hell over it!”

[rs-games]

Word Count: 5000 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Mature Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, HIV/AIDS, Homophobia, Illnesses, Drug Use, Character Death, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Road Trips, Diary/Journal Summary: Sirius makes a road trip down to the Gower peninsula. Non-magic AU. 1980s-1990s. Prompt: #13 - "A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image." - Joan Didion

Excerpt:

“I’ve started a journal,” Remus had said. “With that notebook you got in Berlin. The one you said I could have—” It had been two seeks since his hospital visit. It had not gone well. They had just cleared away dinner, and Remus seemed strange, almost buoyed and focused with a feyness in him. He was toying with a pound coin in his fingers. “I’ve started writing and it’s been almost impossible to stop—though I’m not sure who it’s for, me or—someone else.” “What—what would you do with it?” “I think I want you to have it, in the end.”

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[violetthistle1]

I just posted a new fic!

Summary: Remus lived a complex life full of love, joy, anguish, pain, and hardship held close to his chest. Ask a hundred different people who knew him to describe him and you’d get a hundred different answers. He spent his life thinking when he died, his secrets would die with him. However, when Harry goes through Remus’s old journals, will he see him for who he truly was, or will it be just another partial perspective on the man who was a mystery to all, sometimes even himself?

~

This fic was inspired by the song "See Me Now" by Clare Siobhan. Any stanzas in bold are lyrics from this song, the only change I made was to change the gendered language from feminine to masculine. I highly recommend listening to it before reading this fic, although if you can't listen to it first, the fic can stand on its own without it. Here it is on Spotify Here it is on YouTube

[violetthistle1]

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3. Remus writes Teddy a letter in case the unthinkable happens.

Full fic length: 10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

My darling Teddy,

Even if you find yourself alone, you are never unloved, because I love you. Even if I’m gone I love you. It’s an eternal state of being, my love for you. Call on that knowledge whenever you need it, it will never fail, no matter what you grow up to become.

Find yourself a good group of friends. In my experience, it will be the ones who sit next to you on the train your first year of Hogwarts, but that’s a small sample size and liable to be disproven. You’ll know they are the right ones when they accept you for who you are in whatever form you take. They will protect you when you are at your weakest, and rely on you to come up with the best mischief.

The best Mischief doesn’t hurt anyone, and if you’re lucky gets you out of class for the afternoon. Don’t get into too much trouble, and stay clear of Mrs. Norris. Always make up the lessons you missed, and never talk back to the teachers. Unless they’re former death eaters. You can talk back to them all you want.

Don’t smoke, not ever. But if you end up curious like me, stay clear of Pall Mall’s, and try to quit before you turn 30 for the love of Merlin.

Don’t do drugs, not ever. But again if you’re curious like me, stick to pot, and don’t even touch any of the other stuff. It’s not worth the addiction.

Don’t date, not ever. But when you do, don’t be afraid to make the first move, even if it is your best friend. Be sure to ask for permission before you kiss someone though, it’s better that way. Also, it’s ok if they’re not a girl. My first wasn’t either. That’s a long story, but I’m sure my journals are lying around if you’re curious. Also, also. It’s ok if you’re not a boy. Go back to my first point if you wonder what my thoughts are on that.

It’s ok if love doesn’t come easy. I have loved in my life, but I have also had great swaths of time when I didn’t love anyone romantically. Both are fine. Find ways to accept yourself just as you are, apart from anyone else. It’s ok if you don’t ever find ‘the one’, so long as you find acceptance in yourself.

I’m proud of you. I know you’re thinking, how could I know? I know. I know you are great, just the way you are. Didn’t pass that test? I’m still proud of you. Maybe find other study methods, or ask a teacher for help with the next one. Didn’t get that job? I’m still proud of you. Job interviews suck. They have no reflection on who you are or what your worth is.

If you’re at all like me, there will be times in your life when you are down. When the world keeps hitting you and you can’t take one more punch, and then it hits you again. I love you. Life is hard and unfair and really shitty sometimes. It’s okay to reach out to friends, family, or a therapist if you need it. It’s okay to need to take a prescription to help you get through life. It doesn’t mean you failed. It means you are giving this life everything you got, and that’s courageous. Don’t roll your eyes, it is.

There will be times when your body fails you. It’s okay to need medications. It’s okay to need mobility aids, even when you don’t have grey hair. It’s okay to call in sick to your job. The right job will work around that. If there comes a point where you can’t work anymore, your value does not come from a job you get paid for. You are a valued part of society, just by the voice you add to the world, by the people you make laugh, by the scribble of your pen or brush. There is a multitude of ways you can contribute to the world, even if you can’t physically work.

I know I could fill pages and pages more and still not have said all I want to say to you. So, perhaps I’ll say, I’m not the only source of wisdom (thank Merlin for that). Find a mentor who you can trust and listen to them, even when they tell you hard truths. Just pretend it’s coming from me, and maybe that will lessen the blow.

I love you so much, my darling Teddy,

Dad

Postscript: Reading this back, I really focused on the difficult times of life haven’t I? Maybe that’s because my life was hard much of the time, and that’s when I wanted advice the most. So here’s a little note for the happier times. Congratulations on finishing your education! Continue to find subjects and fields of interest to read and study into adulthood. This doesn’t have to be the end of learning if you don’t let it be. Congratulations on landing that job! Continue to pursue your interests, even if this isn’t your dream job. Sometimes the best jobs are the ones with a peaceful work environment and supportive colleagues rather than the elite job that works you to the bone. Congratulations on becoming a parent! (Not an obligation, just including it in case) I’ve only been a parent for seven days, but my advice is, be as hands-on as you can be. Change diapers, make late-night runs to the store for your partner, and don’t forget to gaze deeply into your kid’s eyes while rocking them to sleep. It’s the best. Especially when the kid’s an animorphmagus who’s eyes change color like a mood ring. New Patronus memory unlocked!

[violetthistle1]

“I told you, you don’t need that job!” Sirius continued. “You have me to take care of those pesky finances. It was getting in the way of the Order anyway.”

“I didn’t want the job because I needed the money, although I don’t like being a freeloader. I liked that job. It was a great job, I could read books to my heart’s content and it was peaceful.”

“There’ll be other jobs, Moony. And I will buy you any books you want! If you want to read all day, you can do that here!”

“It’s not the same, Pads! I…I had a purpose there, I was making a difference, being productive! Shuffling around here all day scribbling in my journals that no one will ever read isn’t exactly contributing to society! And before you mention the Order, they haven’t even deemed me worthy of an assignment in months!”

“First off, those journals are the start of your life’s research, and no one will read them now, but they’ll be published and venerated one day, mark my words.”

“Only if I publish under a pseudonym, no one would publish for a werewolf.”

“Nobody knows you’re a werewolf.”

“Not yet, but if I were to try to publish, to even put my toe into the public eye for even a second, it wouldn't take long for it to be discovered, and when I am, do you think anyone would trust the research of a known dark creature into the subject of Defense Against the Dark Arts? It’s laughable, Sirius.”

“Maybe not now, but when we win this war, things will change, you just need to be patient until they do.”

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now!

10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[violetthistle1]

Remus found himself in Romania this time, on his friend Fruzsina’s dime. She was putting together a dragon sanctuary, but first, she had to make the land inhabitable. She’d purchased this land at an affordable price, and now she was finding out why. The parts that weren’t infested with dark creatures seemed to be cursed. Remus was helping her with the project.

“You should stay on after we’ve cleared the land. You’re quick on your feet and handy to have in a pinch.” Fruzsina laughed as she wiped her face of the grime that had built up throughout the day.

“I’m handy to have when dark creatures are about, but dragons and I don’t get along.” Remus declined. It was a shame too, it would have been a great job. Unfortunately, dragons don’t usually get along well with werewolves, they pick up on their scent even in human form. Fruzsina didn’t know he was a werewolf, and he intended to keep it that way. He had given her a cut-off date just before the next full moon. It would be plenty of time to accomplish their task, and then he could go back to England for the full moon.

“I don’t believe that!” Fruzsina laughed again. “But if you’re sure I can’t tempt you, I’ll just have to enjoy the time we do have together that much more.” Remus smiled. He was sorry he couldn’t help her. He truly loved the idea of the dragon sanctuary, it was exactly what the area needed after so many centuries of conflict. The dragon populations had diminished to near extinction, this would be one step to saving them before they were lost forever. “I do have a friend whose oldest son is graduating this year. From what I’ve heard, he had an aptitude for the care of magical creatures. I’ll reach out to Molly and Arthur and see if it’s something Charlie might be interested in, if you’d like.”

Fruzsina smiled at the offer, “Well, if I can’t have you to work with, I suppose a Remus Lupin recommendation is the next best thing. Send him my way, I’ll put him to work!”

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now!

10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[violetthistle1]

“I’m glad I caught you before you left tomorrow. I know you’ve finished all your classes, and have officially graduated! Congratulations.”

Remus squirmed at the attention. “It’s not so official yet, I haven’t gotten my N.E.W.T results.”

She had the audacity to chuckle at this, which seemed very out of character to Remus. “Yes, well I have no doubt you did well enough to pass at the very least.”

Remus’s heart fell at that, did she know something he didn’t? Had he done so poorly on the exams? She reappeared from behind the cabinet door, holding a package wrapped in brown paper. His low spirits must have shown on his face, for she chuckled again. “A joke, Mr. Lupin. I would have thought you would be well acquainted with the concept given the friends with whom you keep company. I’m sure you did very well, although I’m not privy to your exact results.” Remus let out a little sigh of relief and gave her an obligatory smile. “Of course, thank you, Professor.”

excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now! 10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[violetthistle1]

Remus stood under the shower head, letting the water run over his face, down his shoulders, his back, his legs. It mixed with the dirt, grime, and blood as it finally worked its way down to the drain. Remus took a deep breath, his eyes closed tightly against the bright bathroom lights. Pain shot through his spine and joints. He raised shaking hands and ran his fingers through his hair, where they caught on gravel. Why was there gravel in his hair?

“You know a cleansing spell would do the trick faster?” Sirius said from next to him outside the shower. He’d entered the bathroom quietly, but Remus smelled his approach before he even opened the door.

“I like the feel of the water, it makes me feel better, it makes me feel alive again.”

“You didn’t feel alive before the shower?”

Remus took a deep breath and let it out. How did he explain that sometimes after a moon he felt more like a stone statue than a human being? How did he explain that waking up on the forest floor made him feel more like a part of the forest, the earth than he did a living breathing individual? “The water helps me come back to myself, I guess.”

Sirius sighed outside the shower. “I guess I can understand that.”

He couldn’t, not really. But Remus loved that he tried.

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now!

10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[violetthistle1]

“Harry? How’s it coming in here? I brought you some tea—" Andromeda entered the study to find Harry lost in a book.

Harry’s head snapped up and he ran his hands over his face and through his hair. “Oh, Andy, I’m so sorry, I seem to have gotten distracted. I—I’ll just box up these—these books…you say you haven’t looked at them?”

Andromeda scoffed lightly. “No, I haven’t. I know his collection is extensive. Why? Have you found something that interests you? Not surprising, really. Your fields of interest overlap so much. Please, keep whatever you find that you like. I know a lot of it is just his personal journals though.”

“No…Andy, this…this is more than daily journals. Remus took the study of DADA miles ahead of where it is now. If he had been allowed to publish this—If he had submitted this to scholarly journals—he would have—he would have won awards, he would have gotten a book deal, he would have gone on speaking tours—what I am looking at now—Remus did for DADA what Newt did for the care of magical beasts! It’s that kind of caliber! I have to show Hermione! Do you think Dumbledore knew about this?”

“Harry, woah, sweetie, you really think it’s that good? I know you were fond of the man, so was I, but he didn’t have much in the way of resources to conduct that level of study and research.”

“No, Andy, this is big. This is huge.” Harry stood from his seat, still holding onto the journal he was reading. “I have to find Hermione.”

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now!

10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[violetthistle1]

“Harry!” Hermione exclaimed as she read one of the journals in front of her. It wasn’t the first, and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last.

“I know!” Harry’s validating response rang out, just as it did to her last exclamation.

“The whole time? Remus had been doing this research for the last decade and a half? How did he find some of these? Half of these are banned from the market! The other half are expensive and rare as hell!”

“One of his journals gave a vague reference to picking them up from friends who did raids on former death eater homes. It also mentioned ‘acquiring reference books from less reputable sources’.”

“The black market?”

“Or straight-up theft.” Harry hypothesized.

“Remus wouldn’t!”

“You know he didn’t have the money to buy these books on the black market! Besides, I don’t think he would have felt bad stealing from former death eaters and blood purists.”

“I suppose.” Hermione reluctantly agreed.

Excerpt from See Me Now by Violet Thistle on Ao3 now!

10, 706 words

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57586909

[rs-games]

Word Count: 6800 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, past Remus/OMC (mentioned) Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black Additional Tags: Angst, Reflection, Poetry, Alternate Universe - They Live, Confessions, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Anxiety, Sex Work, Suicidal Thoughts, Memory Loss, Diary/Journal Summary: Remus shares his diary with Sirius, hoping to finally put the past to rest. Prompt: #25 - "I want you to know / one thing. / You know how this is: / if I look / at the crystal moon, at the red branch / of the slow autumn at my window, / if I touch / near the fire / the impalpable ash / or the wrinkled body of the log, / everything carries me to you, / as if everything that exists, / aromas, light, metals, / were little boats / that sail / toward those isles of yours that wait for me." - excerpt from the poem "If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda

Excerpt:

Remus stood in the hallway of his and Sirius’s bungalow, looking down unseeingly at the tatty blue book clutched tightly in both hands. His thumb moved back and forth, gently worrying the corners of the pages which stuck out at precarious angles. The cover was battered, faded and stained to the extent that Remus could no longer remember how or why. He suspected that the only things holding the book together still were the spells cast by his father, thirty-six years previously. Those spells were the reason that the book would never run out of blank pages, and yet never appeared any thicker. It had been Remus’s mother’s idea; an outlet for Remus, somewhere to safely and secretly let the trauma of his transformations flow out. A place to release the secrets he would forever have to keep from the rest of the world. A vessel in which to contain his sins, his worries, so that he may move on free of the burden. It had been all that to him and more. Within those pages were detailed every moment of doubt, shame and envy. It detailed Remus, at his most raw and primal. Within its pages, he was vulnerable.

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