#every time i tried to write too he'd be nearby.......even for school things he has this ability to just come over and talk to me

[shiningstages]

Not gonna be here again this weekend, but I just wanna pop in and say that the Love Live Musical girls sound so good;; I wish I could see them live frfr;;

[sunlightandsuffering]

I feel like Mikasa will be the singer and composer and she'll probably write songs about Eren. She'll be like Taylor Swift, she'll write a break up song everytime she and Eren had a disagreement lmao.

I like composer LOL!! As much as I vibe with T-swift idk if I can see Mikasa writing teenybopper hits like that 🤣 I feel like Mikasa would me kinda like Mozart or something, compose long dramatic piano pieces about Eren 😂 and Eren is just this clueless idiot who's dating the really hot prodigal band student, he's her dumbass muse. They break up every five minutes because it's Eren and he's a mess and it's high school so cue even MORE drama. Jean is probably in band too, has the BIGGEST crush on her, is also a music whiz, plays too many instruments, always the source of some kind of drama, bc the band students ship Jeankasa, and no one particularly ships eremika, bc once again, Eren is a mess, and he's a little bit of a trouble maker, just has regular friends, a regular guy, and all the band students think Mikasa's talent is wasted on a normie like him. They always shit talk him in the practice rooms at lunch time bc they can't believe the latest heartbreak, and Mikasa is composing some new brilliant piece about him for the Christmas recital, bc u guessed it her and Eren broke up yet again. And why did they break up one might ask? Bc prideful idiot Eren refused to admit there's a difference between a violin and a viola. Mikasa broke up with him on the spot and Eren had stormed off bc he hates band kids, they're so stuck up and pretentious, they just need to admit the whole violin family is just the same instrument but enlarged, why do they need different names for it?

Cue Mikasa being upset bc even though she'd decided she was done with his disrespect of string instruments, she kind of misses him. Especially, when he's not being cute and bringing her lunch to the practice rooms bc he knows she practices too much and forgets to eat sometimes, and not picking her up from band practice bc he never wants her to walk even though she lives nearby. And also Mikasa as usual is irrationally jealous, so she sees Eren talk to Sasha, a fellow band geek ONCE, and she's losing her mind. Sasha plays the trumpet and Eren had been innocently talking to her in the lunch line about the possibility of her being in the marching band, bc he's casual friends with some band kids, mostly through Mikasa.

Mikasa hadn't eaten lunch that day, and gotten right into composing the next great piano piece through her tears.

Meanwhile Eren is like a little sad he and Mikasa broke up, but he also knows she's way too good for him anyway, so he doesn't really take it too much to heart, just considers himself lucky to have dated her at all. and of course this is half the problem with their relationship bc Eren just resigns himself to the fact that he can't get her back, so he doesn't even try, just gives her little waves in the hallway and tries not to make things awkward for her, he'd feel terrible if her music was impacted. The kid has no idea he's her muse, no fucking clue, he thinks their breakups are good 😭😭 bc it shows how talented she is without him, it just reaffirms that he's bad for her, bc she never composes such heartbreaking stuff when they're together.

And of course, as the cycle goes the band kids are all plotting how to get Jean, other prodigy of their high school together with Mikasa, how to get them to work on a piece. They always get pretty close too, ALMOST convince them to do it, almost lock them in a practice room alone together, but somehow idiot Eren ALWAYS thwarts their plans. Totally by accident too, it's never on purpose. Once, he couldn't help worrying about Mikasa so he barged into their practice session just to give her a muffin and leave, which of course ends in fiery passionate kisses, bc her muse still loves her!!! Another time, the band kids had thought there was no possible way he could interrupt, the auditorium was locked, only band kids could get in, Mikasa and Jean were centre stage, Mikasa on her piano, dabbling with some keys for a showcase and Jean giving some input, band kids: Connie, Marco, Annie and Sasha (lol she plays both sides) watching, waiting for a kiss or something. It was full proof! Only for the PA to crackle VERY loudly, hurting everyone's ears and for Eren to get on and tell everyone to go to the winter showcase and see the school's star student, Mikasa Ackerman, only to be chased off by the principal seconds later, yelling down the hall, YEAGER, DETENTION, I'LL SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL!

Moment ruined: point Eren.

ANOTHER TIME, they think it's full proof they're sitting in the bushes, watching, waiting, they'd sent the two on a dramatic walk after school, suggesting it might help them find some inspiration, Jean had been having some difficulty hitting his notes perfectly, so everyone had suggested a romantic fall walk, and Mikasa had been like cool whatever. They're taking a lap around the school, walking, everyone is hoping Jean will go in for the handhold WHEN Mikasa gasps, bc they're passing a large section of building that ppl sometimes graffiti on and of course, the latest graffiti hasn't been wiped off, it says 'MIKASA + EREN' bc Eren isn't original and he'd written it a few weeks before when they'd still been dating.

Anyway this got really long, but basically himbo Eren who has no fucking clue he's Mikasa's muse, and he loves her, but he also has no fucking clue why she dates him, and beautiful, smart prodigy Mikasa who has been in love with him since they were in elementary school and thinks he's the coolest despite being a massive dork and overall walking red flag, so basically canon! they breakup every five minutes over the dumbest shit, only to get back together a week later, bc Mikasa realizes, no Eren really is just that dumb sometimes.

[love101imagines]

One thing left to try

request: Could you pls write a fic with sinan? Using prompts 13,15,22,29 and 34 from the first list. I thought of maybe At a party y/n needs Sinan's help, so that Burak stops chasing her, so he pretends to be her partner, when Burak doesn't leave her alone, Sinan starts a fight. Thanks!

tag list: @peraltwolf @zaynlikfalls @wwafangirld

prompts used: 13. Don't look at me like that. 15. Just pretend to be my date. 22. You're not my friend anymore, remember? 29. Where did you get those bruises? 34. I'm used to it, don't worry.

"Işik, are you sure you're ready for a high school party?" You asked slowly, your arm wrapped around the blonde girl who held tightly her purse.

Eda next to you chuckled. "You're ready for alcohol? And for people making out with each other? And the smell of cigarettes everywhere?"

"There's nothing to worry about." Isik cut you both off shaking her head. "I'm only here because Osman asked us to come. And nothing bad will happen, they're our classmates."

Eda shrugged. "I'm here for the free booze."

You rolled your eyes with a smile, fixing a bit your skirt while you reached the house where the party was taking place.

"Should we wait for the guys?" You asked glancing at all the cars that were parked in almost the whole block, internally hoping to see one boy in particular.

You stood on your tiptoes trying to recognize any of them, already knowing that Kerem was coming with Osman with his own car.

"Nah." Eda brushed it off. "I bet Sinan isn't even coming, and it's already crowded inside."

You were slightly discouraged. You didn’t want one boy to control your whole mood without truly knowing, but you couldn’t avoid feeling that way towards him. You two had been friends for a while before you got closer with the whole expulsion thing. The girls already knew about your feelings for Sinan, but you wouldn’t risk ruining one of your friendships only because of a crush.

"Are you sure?" Işik asked a bit worried, but you were already opening the door without knocking.

You three were instantly greeted by loud music and people everywhere. The walls seemed to shake from the heavy bass blasting through the speakers, hurting your ears but you tried not to mind.

You turned to Işik with a smile. "So? What do you think?"

She opened her mouth to speak, with no words coming out as she looked around the house. You chuckled lightly. "Anyway, I'll grab something to drink. What do you want?"

"A soda, please."

"Beer. We'll...walk around until the boys show up, okay?" Eda said over the music.

You nodded before walking away, greeting a few people and trying not to bump into the many couples who were shoved up against the wall making out or the kids who were too drunk to properly walk.

“You’re no fun, (Y/N).” Eda complained with a huff.

You only took a sip of your soda. "I'm plenty of fun, in fact, I...oh shit."

Before you could notice that Işik was waving at the guys who had just arrived to come over at your place near the kitchen counter, you had already left the room trying not to run into Burak.

You two had talked a few times because you were in the same school year, but since Eda had turned him down, he seemed to be keen on going on a date with you. You wanted to avoid confrontation the best you could, already knowing that when the whole thing with Eda happened, he hadn't reacted well.

So, that was the reason why you were making your way between the crowd of people with one hand covering your can of soda trying to hide from him. The house was crowded, with almost your whole school inside. You weren't even sure whose birthday it was, only receiving the invitation from Osman who had a few extra, giving the rest to your other friends.

Once you found herself outside in the small garden, you allowed yourself to catch a breath. There were only a few people mingling outside, but a hand on your upper back startled you.

You cursed under your breath, almost spilling your soda. "God, you scared me."

Sinan rolled his eyes with an already opened beer in his hand which didn't surprise you. "You okay? I saw you storm off."

You shrugged. "Yeah, I'm fine. I thought you wouldn't come."

He furrowed his brows slightly. "Why?"

You shrugged, tugging on his arm so you could sit down on the steps leading to the garden, trying your best that your skirt wouldn't ride up. "You hate high school parties."

"What's to like from annoying music and people I can't stand being around?" He asked sarcastically making you chuckle. "I was dreading this, but Osman needed us here." He concluded before taking a long sip of his beer.

You nodded. "Yeah, I can't believe we convinced Işik. But it's not that bad."

He glanced at you, absentmindedly fumbling with his hands while you continued sipping on your soda. "You look nice."

It was no secret around your friends how much Sinan adored you. You were the only one he never snapped at unless he was really angry, but he usually kept his emotions at bay. Everybody noticed how his mood changed around you. Everybody but you, not thinking much about how he always seemed to have a faint smile when you were in the same room or how he truly appreciated that you went out of your way to talk to him at least once every day.

You gave him a side smile. "Thanks." You eyed him up and down, wearing his usual grey shirt, black jeans, and combat boots. "You don't look that bad either."

After a few minutes passed and it started to get cold, he nudged you. "Wanna go back inside?"

"Um..." You trailed off even if you truly wanted to go back with the rest. "I'm fine, you go ahead if you want. I'll catch up with you."

He furrowed his brows. "Are you sure you're fine? You seemed pretty upset before." He doubted for a moment while you looked down at the floor. "If you want to leave, we..."

"No." You interrupted shaking your head.

You certainly didn't want to leave. But you knew you couldn't avoid Burak all night, and if you ran into him you would end up snapping at him.

An idea popped into your head, remembering how Burak had left Eda alone when Kerem faked being his boyfriend. "I mean...can you do me a favor?"

It was risky to ask him, but Kerem was already dating Eda and Osman was busy with his business, the main reason why you all were there. And it was only a simple favor, you could hide your true feelings like you had the past weeks.

He shrugged, taking another sip of his beer. "What?"

You gave him a grin trying to convince him to follow your plan. "Can you pretend to be my boyfriend? Please."

He almost choked on his beer, coughing a bit while looking at you with utter confusion. "What the hell?"

"Burak has been annoying me all week and this is the only way he'll leave me alone. Please, Sinan. Just pretend to be my date." You continued, giving him your softest puppy eyes.

He scoffed, looking away to avoid your look. "Don't look at me like that." He mumbled.

"Like what?" You played dumb, continuing looking at him like that so he'd give in.

"Like you've never broken a plate in your whole life." He replied sarcastically. "Why don't you just tell him to fuck off?"

You rolled your eyes. "I've already tried to. Come on, it's only one night. I would do the same for you." You practically begged him.

You expected him to get up and leave, saying that your plan was crazy and didn't have any probability of going right. However, after a few seconds, he sighed and gulped down most of his beer, leaving the empty can next to him. "Fine."

While you smiled and mentally cheered, he turned to you. "What do you need me to do?"

"Improvise." You said like it was obvious. "Just um, flirt with me and act like I'm your girlfriend. It can't be that hard."

Noticing that he still seemed unsure of everything and wasn't really sure of what to do, you continued. "Look, from now on, we aren't friends, we're in a relationship. So, just act like I’d believe everything and lie to me."

He thought about it for a few seconds before nodding, getting up from his spot, and extending his hand to help you get up. When Sinan's fingers skimmed over your wrist gently, you rolled your eyes and grabbed his hand tightly.

"You're not my friend anymore, remember?" You teased before dragging him inside the house.

The stares you two received while walking straight to the kitchen were enough to tell you that you had made the right decision. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Burak staring at you intensely ignoring whatever one of his friends was blabbering on about to him. You could feel that Sinan also noticed that, pulling you closer to him by wrapping an arm around your waist. You almost shivered once you felt his cold hand on the small spot of skin just above your skirt, but you didn't think much about the sparks that ignited at the skin on skin contact.

Once you two reached the kitchen, you grabbed a beer and a soda, handing the alcohol beverage to Sinan who quickly downed it while you sat on the counter, your hands still intertwined.

Eda quickly joined you two. "There you are!" She grinned at you, clearly already a bit tipsy. "Aw, you're holding hands, did you tell him?" She gushed to you, loud enough for him to hear.

You chuckled awkwardly, disconnecting your hands while covering the girl's mouth. "Yes, I told him about Burak." You gritted out, already sure that your cheeks had to be red. "You're already wasted, don't do anything I wouldn’t do." You grinned playfully at the boy, receiving a timid smile from him.

"So you guys are dating now." Eda continued leaning against the counter, a smirk on her face. "That's cool."

"I'll take care of her." Sinan offered, already annoyed with her.

After a few seconds, you nodded, leaving your spot on the counter once you noticed Işik nearby, your eyes lighting up. "Işik, let's dance!"

You weren't sure how many hours had passed that you had been dancing with Kerem and Osman, but after a while, your legs ached from twirling around Işik, so you walked away from the living room to the hallway where there weren't many people.

"(Y/N)!"

A voice calling you out made you stop dead in your tracks, turning around with a fake smile plastered on your face even if you were internally gagging.

"Burak, I didn't see you before." You greeted him, continuing to walk towards the kitchen.

He just followed you, making you roll your eyes when he wasn't staring at you. "You look pretty."

"Mhm." Was all you replied, looking through the fridge to find at least a bottle of water, already knowing that if you left Sinan and Eda alone they had downed at least five more beers each one.

"Here, let me help you with that." He offered as you struggled with four bottles of water.

"I'm fine." You cut him off with confidence. "I've got it, and my friends and boyfriend are waiting for me, so..." You trailed off.

Taking to your advantage the fact that he was too shocked to say anything else, you managed to escape, making a beeline to were your friends were standing in a corner of the room.

"Here you go." You said handing a bottle to Işik, Eda, and Sinan. "I figured it would help if you have a migraine." You explained standing next to Sinan.

He nodded, a faint smile on his face as you wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Osman left after saying he had to do something, and you soon found yourself alone with the boy again after Işik said she was going to the bathroom and Eda dragged Kerem to dance with her.

You sipped absentmindedly on your water. "Thanks for everything, I owe you one."

He shrugged, clearly not bothered by it but you weren't sure if it was because of his emotionless attitude or something else.

Once you'd finished your water, you turned to him. "Come, let's dance."

"No, (Y/N)." He refused immediately shaking his head.

"Sinan, I'm not going to leave you here alone." You persisted, continuing to pull him by his hand.

He wouldn't budge. "I'm already here, dancing crosses the line."

"You can't only come and drink everything that's alcohol."

"I..."

"Not much of a boyfriend, huh?"

Burak's teasing voice made you stop abruptly, glancing at Sinan who only looked at him with a hard stare.

"I'm just saying, I wouldn't leave (Y/N) alone if she was my girl." He continued.

"Well, she isn't yours." Sinan snapped, trying to appear unbothered by him but with a scowl on his face.

You tugged in his arm. "Sinan, let's leave."

"What are you even doing here?" Burak asked sarcastically. "You hate everybody, I'm sure she convinced you to come. Too bad, who knows what could happen to her here..."

You knew those were just empty threats, so while you scoffed and tried to tug him to leave, Sinan only pushed you behind him slightly, making you release your grip on his arm.

"If you even touch a hair on her head I..." Sinan began with his hands balled into a fist.

"Sinan, please. Just cut it off." You tried to argue.

Nevertheless, you already knew he wouldn't listen. He was furious, his jaw clenched, stormy eyes and sending daggers to the boy in front of him.

Burak only snickered. “Tell me, I want to know.” He taunted, getting right into his face. “What are you going to do about it? You’re just going to let me continue flirting with her?”

You rolled your eyes. “Fuck off.”

“Maybe if you relied more on mental strength instead of muscular strength you would have gotten a chance.” Sinan shot back sarcastically.

Burak shoved him, lifting his fist in the air but before he could even punch him, Sinan tackled him into the ground to punch him. You froze, watching how Sinan’s fist hit Burak over and over again until Burak punched his side, making him lose his breath before he pulled Sinan in a chokehold.

“Stop! Stop it, you guys, stop it!” You tried to move towards them to break them apart, stopping once a pair of arms wrapped around her waist.

“Stay out of it,” Osman advised, his eyes staring sullenly at the fight. “You’re only going to get yourself hurt. Işik, hold her.” He called out.

“What’s going on?” The girl asked confused once Osman handed you to her, going straight at the fight to stop it. “Oh my God.” She mumbled, shock on her eyes.

Kerem and Osman broke them apart along with a few other guys. You only could gasp in surprise once you saw Sinan and his bruised cheekbone, along with the cut on his eyebrow.

“Hey, hey, come here. You’re fine.” You tried to comfort him, looping an arm around his shoulders just like Osman.

You couldn’t help but furrow your brows at how he seemed to wince while you tried to get out of the house as fast as possible, not wanting another fight to happen.

You wouldn’t let him out of your sight, so you continued with your arm wrapped around his shoulders, him not complaining but supporting almost his whole body on you.

“We’re not going to fit in.” Işik pointed out once you reached Kerem’s car.

You knew Sinan would just brush it off and say he was fine, but you wouldn’t allow him. “It’s fine, I um...we’ll take a taxi and stop by a pharmacy first. You should go first.”

Before anyone could complain, Eda, still drunk, chuckled. “You two are so cute together.”

You nodded absentmindedly, trying your best to hold Sinan who seemed to still be catching his breath. “Yeah, go and sleep in the back of the car. Take care of her.”

“We will. You take care of him.” Kerem said before getting into the car.

“Bye.”

“See ya!”

“Goodnight.”

Once they left, you sighed, a bit nervous that the boy hadn’t said a word yet. “Come, let’s sit there.”

You slowly walked towards a bench in front of a park. After a few minutes, you reappeared with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some cotton balls after rushing to a nearby pharmacy.

“Give me your hands.” Your ordered, feeling something break inside of you while you scanned his knuckles with fresh blood and open wounds scattered across them. “Fuck.”

He only pursed his lips, his brows slightly furrowed as he tried not to show how he truly felt until he couldn’t anymore. While you continued cleaning his knuckles, a shaky cough made you stop.

You raised your brow at him. “Lift your shirt.”

He didn’t have any intentions of doing so, his eyes still staring ahead of him before he coughed again. “Sinan, do it.” You ordered again tugging at the end of his shirt.

The red bruises scattered along his abdomen made your breath hitch in the back of your throat, instantly holding your still cold bottle of water against them. “Where did you get those bruises? Oh my God.”

“When Osman held you and Burak pinned me to the ground.” He explained under your worried gaze. “I’m fine, what about you?”

You scoffed. “You aren’t fine. Drink this.”

You handed him your bottle of water, sighing once you noticed the trace of blood coming from his eyebrow, cleaning with your thumb before it reached his cheekbone.

“I’m sorry you got into a fight because of me.” You said softly, your fingers lingering on the bruise on his cheek.

You cupped his face, Sinan instantly leaning into your touch. He had thought about it before, how it would feel to be this close to you, and now it was happening.

“How was I supposed to keep calm when he said that about you?” He asked, his jaw clenching again as he remembered Burak’s words.

You brushed it off, your thumb stroking his cheek to try to comfort him with a simple gesture. “I’m used to it, don’t worry. I don’t care anymore about what he says, he’s an asshole.”

“God, don’t say that.” He furrowed his brows before swallowing. “You shouldn’t be treated like that by anyone.”

His whole body was tense and his breathing was heavy, so you tried to make him listen to you so he would forget about everything. “Hey, just...focus on me, okay?”

He used all his willpower to nod, to not go right at the house again, and continue beating Burak up. "How was the party? Everything you expected?"

"No." You bluntly stated making him chuckle. "What about you? Did you have the awful time you expected?"

He gave you a side smile. "Not really, but I'm never doing it again."

"What? Faking to be my boyfriend?" You teased rubbing your eyes, too tired to care about your mascara probably now smudged.

When he didn't answer and only stared at you with a different expression you decided to take a leap of faith.

You slowly leaned forward, closing the gap between the two you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling your heart on fire while his mind raced, in disbelief that you were actually kissing him. One of his hands found the back of your head, fingers twisting in your hair as he pushed you closer to him, deepening the kiss. You felt his other hand on your lower back, just where your shirt ended.

After a few seconds, you broke apart first, your forehead leaning against his while you held his hand.

"Oh." You chuckled noticing how Sinan's poor lips were now covered in the red lipstick you were wearing and a bit swollen.

You used your thumb to clean it off, almost not noticing the small smile on his face.

"Let's get a taxi, shouldn't we?" He asked.

You nodded and stood up, the boy's arm around your waist keeping you closer to him. With your heart still beating more than usual, you couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if he had followed his instincts and hadn't come to the party.

[notzakiyya]

pets

last month, I lost four out of five of my kittens. they were only five months old.

anyone who knows me would know that I really, really, love cats. during my second year of high school, three strays came into my house and decided that it was now their home. so, we adopted them. two of them gave birth, resulting in a total of six kittens: grizz, puppy, pepe, bianchi, lulu, and shiro.

a bit of background: they were born in december but I never had the chance to vaccinate them. this was my fault and the main reason why the guilt surrounding their deaths will never leave me. but trust me, it's not that I didn't want to get them vaccinated. the first 3 months of 2020 was the hardest of my life and was mentally draining. I was in a bad place.

puppy ran away while I was out on a school's event. he never returned.

and on to the others. this is a story about lulu. specifically, the events surrounding his death.

here's the scene: it was a saturday, and it was the day before Eid. while my cats were having their morning play time, lulu, who's usually the most energetic out of all of them, acted very strange. instead of playing with his siblings, he walked towards a rock and sat there for almost two hours. we took him inside and gave him some foods; he rejected them. I thought maybe he was feeling a little bit tired (this was a foolish thought), so, I took him to my room and let him sleep there.

around 12 pm, he woke up, but he was still pretty much motionless. I was getting worried, so I texted a nearby vet. they never reply, and all the other vets were closed, too. googling his symptoms led me to a conclusion that maybe he was poisoned. I bought some coconut water and tried to give them to lulu. he refused, and he looked very tired, so, I let him rest again.

around 6 pm, lulu started vomiting. I panicked real bad. I tried giving him more water to drink, but he still refused, even though he did drank a bit in the end. we searched for 24hrs vet. they were all closed. the only one open was in cimahi, which was too far and too dangerous as it was getting late and, well, covid.

we decided to text the vet again. still, no reply. it was then decided that my aunt and I would take him to another vet the next day at 12 pm, the earliest one we can find.

as the night progressed, lulu's vomiting became non-stop. about every ten minutes, he'd vomit, and then he'd fell asleep, and then he'd vomit again. everytime I saw him about to vomit, I came with a tissue and a bit of water. seeing him like that was heartbreaking. I couldn't help him because I didn't understand a damn thing. I didn't sleep, I watched every move he made and cuddled him in my arms, but still, he kept vomiting.

it was 3 am when my grandmother and aunt woke up. lulu was still in my arms. I rested for a bit as my aunt watched over him.

4 am. we all woke up to prepare for Eid. lulu walked very slowly towards the door, stopping when he found a place to hide. again, he sat there and did nothing.

around 5 am, I put him next to me and he fell asleep again. he was asleep for quite a while.

around 7 am, he woke up and I tries my best to give him water. he resisted. really resisted. he still got energy, I thought. I talked to him, begging him to stay strong for a little bit more time because we were about to take him to the vet. I stroked his fur, and I just sat there, talking to him for about an hour.

a bit intermission. it's probably my pessimistic nature, but, everytime I have a bad feeling, it always came true. that day, I had a bad feeling.

8 am, I tried feeding him a bit. everyone was doing their prayers and the only one who didn't were me and my aunt because we were both on our period. I held lulu in my arms and opened his mouth, trying to at least get a few drop of waters in there. lulu resisted, like hell.

he let out a cry. and then he stopped resisting. his body became stiff. scared, I put him in his bed. I slowly came to a point where I realized what had happened. lulu died.

I cried like hell. it was one of the worst moments of my life. I watched my cat all night, not realizing that it was his last night and that he was slowly walking towards death.

my father, along with my brothers and cousins, buried him in a nearby field. until now, I never found the courage to visit his grave.

I couldn't sleep that night. it was the guilt, I guess. no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that I did my best, a part of me couldn't stop blaming myself for everything that happened. and yeah, I guess it was partly my fault.

it was not until 2 weeks later that I found out what was wrong with lulu. he had FPV, commonly known as panleukopenia, a disease that is very deadly amongst cats, as it only has a 10%-20% survival rate. lulu was not vaccinated for fpv.

the other four cats met the same fate. but they have different stories to tell. stories for another day.

one kitten survived, as she was only in the first stage and not badly affected by it. her name is shiro, and she is amazing.

I guess I'm writing this because I needed to let myself process stuff, and the only way I know how to do that is through writing.

the thing about guilt is that it never leaves. it hides, but it stays in your heart and your head forever. you'll probably never get over it, so the best thing you can do is just to try and accept it. the guilt I have regarding the deaths of my cats will never leave, but, I am trying to learn. I am trying to do better. that's the least I can do.

lulu, I'm sorry for everything. but I'm also thankful for everything you taught me. I will always be grateful about the smiles you gave me, the tiny meows, the jiggly walk you did when you first learned how to walk, and even the pooping you did in my room when you weren't potty trained.

oh, for a being so small, it's amazing how big of a hole you left in me.