#every time i post stuff related to this it occurs to me anew that most people probably have no idea what's going on

[pertinax--loculos]

Word Find Tag

The marvellous @drabbleitout tagged me recently to find the words rain, firm, garbage and regret, and I’m on a roll with these tags so I figured why the hell not. :D

Before that, I’m gonna tag back @drabbleitout, plus @artdecosupernova-writing, @isherwoodj, @winterandwords, @blind-the-winds​, @mariahwritesstuff​ and @oh-no-another-idea​ to find the words crumb, next, connect, secure, and refer.

Taking from CASCADE and INUNDATE, as is my wont atm! Focusing on TJ and Flint POVs cuz, well, cuz. *shrug*

rain pour CASCADE -- TJ POV

“Morning,” TJ said, skirting around her as he headed for the kettle.

“Hey.” Natasha paused to stir something vigorously, and then poured the resulting viscous liquid into a pan. “Pancakes?”

Fortunately TJ’s eyes were on his mug; she couldn’t see his wince. “Thanks, but I’m okay.”

“Teej. You know breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

TJ turned around, mug in hand, to find her staring at him, hands on her hips. The smile that crept onto his face felt almost genuine. “I still maintain that was nothing more than a marketing tactic dreamed up by the breakfast food folks.”

“The breakfast food folks?” Natasha raised her eyebrows. “You mean like major cereal companies or something?”

“Sure, why not? Maybe the fruit growers. Probably bacon… manufacturers. It’s a whole conspiracy.”

Natasha was fighting to keep her face straight and failing. “You do know bacon isn’t manufactured, right?”

firm CASCADE -- TJ POV

The ridiculousness of that notion was only matched by the other option, which was that she was planning on sharing a room — and a bed — with TJ.

Twelve months ago that idea wouldn’t have been ridiculous at all. They’d been friends for a very long time, acknowledged that it would never be anything more than platonic love between them for almost the same amount of time. Sharing a bed on an assignment had been a nonevent, a semi-regular occurrence that was as prosaic as eating dinner together in their lounge room.

Flint had changed all that. And TJ had been positive it would never go back to the way it was.

“Are you—”

Natasha interrupted him, firm but not sharp. “It’s fine, TJ. Just don’t complain when I steal all the covers.”

TJ wouldn’t. He never would again.

garbage trash CASCADE -- TJ POV

Julius all but snatched the coffee away from him when he returned to the main room, his eyes dropping closed as he took a large mouthful. TJ smiled a little as he passed Natasha hers, then offered the tray to Delta. He examined the remaining two paper cups like TJ was offering him a live snake.

“I haven’t poisoned them,” TJ said, a little dryly.

Delta tilted his head a little as he considered him. “I would have noticed if you did.”

TJ arched an eyebrow, unsure how to otherwise respond.

“It’s fine, Delta,” Julius said. TJ glanced at him in time to see him drain the remainder of his cup; he bared his teeth in what looked like distaste. “Actually, that’s a lie, it’s fucking shit coffee, but it’s better than nothing.”

Delta didn’t look convinced, but he plucked a cup from the tray with a nod. TJ wasn’t sure why that made him feel so fucking triumphant.

Julius walked over to toss his cup in the trash, and swiped a brief off the coffee table as he returned to the corner of the room. Delta joined him, standing close enough that their shoulders almost touched, craning his neck to see the pages; after a beat Julius turned the folder very slightly towards him.

TJ hid a smile as he reclaimed his seat next to Natasha on the couch.

regret CASCADE -- TJ POV

“Okay,” Bishop called, silencing the room immediately. People swivelled where they stood so they were facing him; not that they needed to, given that he didn’t raise his eyes from his clipboard. “Monthly allocations.”

Something unpleasantly like anxiety squirmed in TJ’s stomach. It had been a long time since he’d felt that. It had been a long time since he’d had to wonder which entrustees he and Natasha would be paired with for the month. Though he shouldn’t really be concerned. They’d dealt with Delta without any issues; after that, the rest of the entrustees should be a cakewalk.

And it wasn’t like the writhing in his stomach could be anything other than anxiety.

Like, it certainly wasn’t regret.

God, his head hurt.

[kendrixtermina]

Absolute Terror Field: Something to keep in mind about Type 5

So recently I got the feedback that my posts here apparently read as "vaguely flat and distanced", and that sort of... 'shocked me' would imply that it was unexpected, which it was not, at least in the sense that I could explain it as 'ah, it must be due to my type'. But at the same time, I can't say that it was "on purpose" in the sense that I was intending to sound that way or that this was what I thought I was sounding like, and that got me thinking & reflecting.

The thing is...

It’s like there’s this 10 foot lead wall.

And I don’t normally realize it’s there, after all, some stuff makes it through.

Stuff gets to me, and I’m putting stuff out, same as everyone else in theory - so why would I assume that there is a wall? Why wouldn't I just think that this is the normal amount of permeable? Sure, sometimes I go in a youtube comment section & ppl report like crying a lot more at something, but, ppl are different, were all individuals, there could be so many different reasons for that. I've certainly cried before, sometimes quite against my will.

So I live here, & I have this idea of myself that does not include the wall cause after all I am here on this side of it, seeing myself from in here.

Until, once in a while, it happens that someone says something like:

“I can’t hear you, there are 10 feet of lead in the way!”

Or I said something & someone gets offended or makes a face cause,  other people don’t have lead walls.

And every time anew, I’m like - Bam. Oh right. The 10 foot lead wall. I had fogotten.

I kinda hate it when that happens. I understand why, I see that its just what it is, i dont blame the other person or get my panties in a twist about it, I might even be grateful to get the pointer cause I don't want it to be outside of my understanding or control, I don't go reading things into it, I realize that it's ultimately a completely neutral even and that whatever response I can't help having is only my business and a Me Problem, but completely separate from all that, without tying any demands or implications to it, it remains just as true that it does not feel good. Whatever the exact opposite is of when ppl cry effusiely about how something makes them feel so seen & validated, that's what it feels like. "Like I don't exist", or "Like they're talking about a completely different person", I might say, though that would be something of a self-indulgently dramatic way to put it.

And, it was to be expected. I have a theoretical explanation for why that is. It simply is what it is. No reason to get worked up about it, it means nothing, its just a random unusual quirk, like being left handed or gay or having red hair. Something mildly annoying to deal with every day. Imagine how perplexing this was when I didn’t have an explanation for it. Ppl were just randomly saying obviously untrue stuff, to be cruel perhaps, or who knows why.  

There are some things related to me having this trait/type that I would consider part of my 'self' - like the curiosity, the attraction to dark shit - if that's not it, what else is there? But the wall is not. It's just there. External. It would be as stupid as basing your identity on your skin color, nationality or whatever, any other arbitrary trait that tons of other ppl have. I didn't choose it. I'm not "doing" it. That's not me, "me" is on the other side of it.

But it occurs to me that to some it’s probably one of my most noticeable characteristics on the same order as “height”, “ethnicity” or “apparent gender”.

- “Ah look, it’s sondanso, the lead wall person.”. “There they are, off behind their lead wall again, they must not like us.” or worse yet, “It’s that asshole whose whole being is nothing but a slab of lead.” Like it's lead all the way down.

Or maybe someone likes lead. Say you’re some stuck-up smartass & you think a girlfriend who talks only about computers nets you some nifty prestige points. You sure won’t have to waste time using google while you got Miss Lead Slab around. And then you start to feel like you kinda bought the cat in a bag there - “Who’s this weirdass crass blunt impractical oversensitive freaky emo doomer dweeb person? I didn’t sign up for none of that!”

And I'm like, “Uh... me? WTF are you so surprised about, I never hid who I am or pretended to be anything else - i acted true to myself even when it made me unpopular precisely so this wouldn't happen. If you don’t like me, then why did you waste my time? It said ‘Angry emo dweeb’ right in the description!” (like that was literally my blog description at the time) - and that’s all true... if you’re not considering the lead wall.  

Consciously, I don’t much pretend or adapt, I wouldn’t know how if I wanted and I wouldn’t want to if I knew how, I’m the same in public, in private or in the shower, open unfiltered & transparent - if you don’t consider the lead wall. Obvsly I don’t control what flavor of automatic fear response I’m going to have - and everyone is going to be nervous on a fucking date in the early stages of a relationship, like, duh. Not even like, super freaked out - just a normal, mundane amount of nervous, but when I get nervous, I apparently get frozen up. It appears. It has been reported to me. I would tend to be more focussed on whatever it is I am trying to say. The computers for example, or in this case the typology stuff. Isn't that the important part? or so i would assume.

And then as time passed I probably got to be more relaxed & at ease around him, more like I’m on my own (which is most of the time) or with the family members I actually like, who very much could tell you, ‘yeah, soandso is kinda tactless, sorta pessimistic, a tad touchy and a military grade kook, but she’s also funny & interesting & really one for broadening horizons’ - something where both the strenghts and the struggles are seen and the critiques are fair. It’s not wholly impossible. That gives me some hope at least...

Indeed you see this mentioned a few times in the literature - the palmer books, or LaHue’s recent video on how all the types may shift in a family-like environment. That Type 5 individuals are sometimes experienced as being markedly different at home, like family settings or long marriages (usually in terms of being more assertive & blunt or more excitable).

There's probably a reverse of that bias that 6s, 9s and 3s have how they notice more how they're different in different situations & may have trouble spotting the throughline. I see the cumulative sum, and had to study this stuff to even percieve the situationals.

Mr. Smartass, tho? He probably liked me better when I talked only about computers. Its Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer all over again, deviation from the norm is only tolerated when it's exploitable. And who can I blame but myself? Since I was the one nonstop talking about computers.

I wonder if this could be considered an equivalent to that thing the 7s sometimes have that their friends keep expecting them to bring the party & the sunshine even if they don't feel up to it. But that's not really it - cause, it's not like the computers stuff was some put on pretense that is in any way secondary to my person - it's the important shit, it's what I care about, what my heart is all tied up in - that's why I'm talking about it.

It kinda reinforces that idea that no one really wants to hear your thoughts, wants or feelings, at least if you let it. They say they wanna hear but the real answer sends em running for the hills. If they even hear you, cause again - oops, the wall. Oh right! And I do realize that the onus is in part on me to communicate it. But sometimes I make my intention quite clear, in such ways as I can - verbally, usually - and it still isn't enough. Doesn't count. Does nothing. What im saying gets rendered pointless by things I can't control much. They only see the lead wall. For my formative years, I didn't even know why. I thought that either they're all judgemental, or im just some x-man mutant that just intrinsically repulses people - good thing that's cleared up.

And when the usual outcomes are 'they won't notice you' or 'they'll run for the hills', the more it appears as if the endeavor of talking to humans is altogether for the birds.

I'm trying to not let it convince me, or to put that feeling aside and save it for the angsty fanfictions, cause obsly that doesnt always hold true. There are counterexamples.

Of course not everyone has a spouse or trusted family members/ roommates. A lot of ppl’s families are garbage or just don’t click with them. (as is true for ppl of all types)

So I imagine that with a lot of less fortunate individuals, essentially, no one’s ever seen em - not as they are on their own, most of the time. And they might have very good reasons to want it that way. I certainly don’t want just anyone to have acess to my consciousness - my father can keep thinking I’m a grey rock for all I care, for example, I’m not masochistic enough to go throwing pearls before the swine here. I don't want him to have any access to my consciousness & I've impressed it strictly on my remaining relatives to not tell him anything of my life unecessarily.

I prolly do need the darn wall cause I can sometimes barely handle what does make it through. That’s likely to be why and how it got to be there, some kinda survival defense mechanism thingy. I've no shortage of things to agonize about even like this, and I have things I enjoy also.

I don't exactly want it gone. If anything, lowkey freak out sometimes when ppl notice too much stuff about me and go ask questions - only in a real-time, face to face setting, though. Guess I used to think that written communication puts me on a more level playing field, and, I'd still say that it does, but... I guess even in cyberspace I can only be what I am, temperamental quirks included.

But if there was to be a takeaway here other than satisfying passing curiosity/voyeurism and leaving a record... hm. This is where I stumble a bit because it might be too much like making a request than merely discussing myself as an 'example human' exchangeable and immaterial aside from its relevance to the topic. It may be too much like complaining.

I find myself wanting to stop. Pause. Interrupt this. Go take a walk. "get perspective on it" as I would call it, but in this case it would be just putting some distance. I'm kinda looking a little bit on my hands instead of the screen now, or all the way away. Even live describing this is, uh, me being a little bit nervous I guess. That's probably the isolation defense.

But i wont stop. imma cold shower this today, because that is something I need to get better at doing, and because I basically know what I want to say, so I will. I can allow myself once.

Basically - I would like to have it known, like, just in case anyone didn't already, that the tip is not the whole iceberg. That there's more than just that wall.

Like, at least assume that I'm there.

I am here. I can see you. I can hear all that you're saying, so don't be cruel. (...and I'm not side-eying anyone in particular here but meaning humans in general. )

And I don't even mean that in a "we are more than just our types" kinda way, like of course we are, but you think what's over here is completely unaffected by type? That there's nothing more interesting here to describe, even if its just interesting in like a fucked up absurd way? Even the type is not just the wall. its its whole little hell realm and a very specific temperament and a whole range of complexities, like all the others. The stuff behind the wall also has characteristics.

This is kinda why I which I have this whole thing about which are the semi-good descriptions, the Naranjo one, the palmer one, the oceanmoonshine blog one or even that video interview thing I recently uploaded cause those are, to me, that really go into, like, the contents, and not just "look for a really disagreeable person with a bigass lead wall.". Like, that is true, (certainly more true than any fake positive, obnoxiously euphemistic takes) but there's more.

Maybe let's not just look at our hypothetical example person as just a collection of deficiencies and inadequacies and all the many things they can't do and suck absolute ass at, but let's take a look at what drives them and what they spend their days with, what they care about, what kinds of obscure sorrows they carry with them. I mean, I'm definitely interested in that when it comes to others. At least the hot ones.

I already kind if view myself as a list of limits and deficiencies - unless you've found yourself one of those really immature dismissive-ass hell specimens that appointed themselves as the world's bubble burster in chief (and which type isn't obnoxious if super immature?), chances are, the type 5 person in your lives probably doesn't need to be taken down a peg. They're not showing off, they're not to blame for society's obsession with academic performance, there's a good chance they hate the public education system as much as you do, and they just don't know how else to exist, any more than you do.

And I know I brought this upon myself. "Stop just overemphasizing the annoying nerd trope!" I'll say, and go emphasizing the doomerism or unrealism instead, but, the content focus, when correctly described, really is one of the most noticeable characteristics. If you wanna teach ppl to spot this in the wild you would definitely tell them to look for this. I do mostly bring up... content, when I go out and talk to people. I mean what else am I doing here? I find myself worrying stuff like, "i havent read anything interesting lately, i might have no topics..." when ppl ask me to hang out. If I didn't snap to that so automatically, I'd tell myself to "...consider 6" or something. Except then i probably wouldnt use that wording.

The content focus is fucking conspicuous. and its not superficial, like, that is the stuff i care about.

But there should be more bullet points on that list. From the average articles out there, you wouldn't expect this flavor of ppl to put out the kinda art that they typically do, which means they'd at least be failing you as analysis tools. Like there are some commonalities, if you look at the art output (which probably most reflects a person's "contents", or, represents an imprint of their consciousness) and the descriptions out there don't capture where those come from.

....

Now for the obvious disclaimers - this is my experience; a w6 person probably pictures their inner self less ‘emo dweeb’ and more... 6-like, just, humble, practical reasonable person, and social-havers or 3-fixers probably do want to project some degree of an appealing persona (and have The Wall(TM) scrambling that desire in its own snowflakey way) etc. and in the end we’re all individuals even if we share some quirks of our basic temperament.