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schadenfreudefreude-blog · 6 years ago

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Two Different Worlds

I was going to the same Catholic private school of our small rural town since I was four years old until I turned sixteen . We always celebrated annually the feast day of our school's patron saint, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, every 16th day of July. I was born in Cabanatuan, a city near San Jose City, Nueva Ecija, Philippines, where we are residing. San Jose is a beautiful place, with a river, hills, plains, and even an annual onion festival known as Tanduyong Festival. San Josenians hold a cultural show by conducting dance ritual at the streets showing the way of life of the folklore here by planting onions. I spent a happy childhood here, and I was just an ordinary girl. I would look up in the sky full of fluffy clouds or night sky and dreams the dreams of a girl. I used to imagine that I was a Disney Princess, saving and helping the world.

My story begins with something that happened to me when I was ten years old and going to the Catholic private school of our small town. My heart stopped. Maybe, I was maybe nine or ten. Looking back, that's when I began to worry about what other people thought of me and started seeing myself through their eyes. I stopped looking up at the clouds in the day. I stopped looking up at the stars at night. I stopped daydreaming. I stopped being a princess. I tried to please everyone. Some days I lack self-believe and I started letting other people made me into something they wanted me to be. Soon, I began to shut out my own voice and started to listen to the voice of others. I was ten when I learned what my parents' job is. I'm not aware before I was ten because they never really brought it up. My father is a licensed medical technologist, licensed nurse, licensed physician, and licensed surgeon. He passed all of the board exams. He also studied and graduated from his Masterals three years ago. He was the chief of a public hospital. He was workinh for the government for 36 years. And he will retire in his 60, four years from now. And my mother is a registered nurse. I was in my fourth grade when I found out all about this and my point of view changed since then. No one called out my name, and neither did I. My heart stopped and my eyes closed shut. So, like this, I, we, all lost our names and identity. We became like ghosts.

All sorts of sights and smell come back to me, rise up from within me, to touch me with an ache and a blissful shudder, dark streets and bright streets, houses and churches, only one or two famous fast food restaurants, no malls or no high buildings, people's faces, rooms full of warm and homey comforts, rooms full of secrets and of deep fear of ghosts, haunted by Philippine mythology and ghost stories. There is the scent of warm, closed spaces, of dogs, goats, cows and carabaos, of household remedies, carabao's milk and dried fruit. Two different worlds intermingled there; from two opposite poles came the day and the night.

One world was the parental home, but actually it was even narrower, in truth it contained only my parents. On the whole I knew this world well: its name was Father and Mother, it was love and strict rules, education and example. What belonged to this world was gently shining radiance, clarity, and cleanliness; quiet, friendly conversation, washed hands, clean clothes, good behavior. Morning hymns like Cinderella were felt there, Christmas and New Year celebrated. In that world of straight lines and paths leading into the future, there was duty and obligation, bad conscience and confessions, short-term goals and long-term goals, forgiveness and good resolutions, love and respect, wisdom and Biblical proverbs, competence and confidence. You had to keep to this world for your life to be pure, beautiful, and harmonious.

Meanwhile, the other world was there already, right in the middle of our house and completely different: it smelled different, spoke differently, promised and demanded entirely different things. There were serving girls, tradesmen and squattered people in this second world, and ghost stories and scandalous rumors, a richly colored flood of monstrous, tempting, frightening, mysterious things like the slaughterhouse, public market, and the prison, alcoholics and bickering women, cows giving birth and horses with broken legs, homeless dogs and no one to take care of them, and stories of burglaries, murders, kidnaps, suicides. All these beautiful, horrible, wild, cruel things existed all around in the next street over, in the house next door. Policemen and beggars ran around, drunks beat their wives, victim-blaming in cases of rape or sexual assault, people were objectified and bullied, old women could cast a spell on you and make you sick, bands of robbers; this powerful second world welled up everywhere, its scent was everywhere, except in rooms where Mother and Father were. And that was good. How wonderful that here, in our home, there was peace and calm and order, duty and conscience, mercy and love, and how wonderful that all the rest existed too, everything loud and shrill, dark and violent, from which you could escape to Mother in a single bound.

The strangest thing is how these two different worlds touched each other, how close to each other they were! For example, when I was eleven years old, our maid Ate Eddiebell, when she sat with her freshly washed hands resting on the apron she had smoothed down on her lap, ironing our clothes in my room and joining her bright voice to the song in the radio. I always see my scrawl ugly but our maid inspired me to own a notebook and I started improving my penmanship by imitating her handwriting. I got the willpower that I can do anything I want if I work into it. She taught me what music is. She would write song lyrics in her notebook and I find it fascinating. Then, she sings and we both sing the songs in her notebook. Every night, she would tell me stories about her life in Bacolod. I admired how she always smile and she influenced me so much to love dancing, painting, and writing. She was a dancer and she shared to me their hard routine exercises or her love life. She had that warm feeling that my parents never made me felt. She has this life so alien to me. The next moment, in the kitchen or my room, when she told me the story of the little man with no head, or fought with the neighbor women at the butcher shop, she was someone else and part of the other world, and was shrouded in mystery. That's how it was with everyone, most of all myself. Of course, I was part of the bright and true world. I was my parents' child but wherever I turned my eye or ear the other world was always there, and I lived in the other world too, even though it often felt like I didn't belong there, in the spooky realm of fear and bad conscience. At times I even liked the forbidden world best, and often my return to the light, as good and necessary it might be, felt almost like a turn toward something less beautiful, less exciting, more desolate and dreary. And then one day, our maid go back to her home and she never came back to our home. I'm thankful for the light, stories and the truth she shared to me in just a short amount of time.

Sometimes I knew that my goal in life was to turn into someone like my father and my mother: so bright and pure, so superior and harmonious. But it was a long, long way to that goal, and along that way you had to sit quietly in school and study and take tests and pass exams, and all the while the path ran right past the other, darker world, or through it, and it was by no means impossible to stay in it, drown in it. There were stories of lost boys and girls, prodigal sons or daughters, and this had happened to, and I read them avidly. The return to the father, to what was good, was always such a magnificent liberation in these stories. I was perfectly aware that this was the only right and good and desirable outcome; but still, the part of the story that took place among the lost and evil souls was always much more exciting, and, if it were only possible to admit it, it was sometimes actually rather a shame that a lost soul had to repent and be found again. But that was something you didn't say, and didn't even think. It was just there, somehow, as a hunch or possibility buried deep, deep down in your feelings. When I imagined the devil, I could see him perfectly well on the street down the hill, in disguise or not, or at the fair, or in a pub or bar, but never with us in home.

I had one sanctuary, and that was writing, justice, and music. There was a small voice in me when I was seventeen years old that said, "Wake up, girl, and listen to yourself!" But it took me a long time to hear music, writing and law calling my name.

Even after making a decision to shift my course to Communications from Pharmacy, there were hurdles. Most people doubted my capabilities and they thought I am hopeless or I made bad decisions in life. Sometimes, I just wanted to quit.

I think I was very lucky that I didn't give it all up.

I'm sure that I, and we, will keep stumbling and falling. I am still an ordinary twenty-two year old girl. If there's anything I have achieved, it was only possible because I had my groupmates, batchmates, mentors, teachers, instructors, and friends by my side, and because of the love and support of my family.

Like most people, I made many mistakes in my life.

I have many flaws and I have fears. I have anxieties but I am going to embrace myself as hard as I can, and I'm starting to love myself, little by little.

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bemrcog1-blog · 5 years ago

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While you struggle to cope with all these unwanted feelings that failure brings, a cascade of judgement is inevitably thrown by the surrounding world. You obviously did not measure up to the expectations of your family and friends, further worsening that self-worth anxiety. Sounds familiar? Well, you may find some comfort in knowing that you are not the only one experiencing this. Damn, I’ve myself been there for many more times than I’d like to admit. And I’m not talking about failing in small things, I’ve been through failures that altered the entire landscape of my life. Each time I failed, I felt bent and broken; but only to acquire a better shape, and to learn the most important lesson that failure is not an outcome, it’s a symptom. Failure shouts out loud at us that something somewhere is not just right, and identifying that ‘not just right’ element is the key to future success. This is the reason why instead of nursing the bruises of my unsuccessful students, I always encourage them to identify that ‘not just right’ factor. Here at mrcog part 2, we call it a debriefing.

Debriefing: In our debriefing meetings, I encourage students to be vulnerable and talk freely in a non-threatening and supportive environment. If you are not a part of BeMRCOG family, you can help yourself by understanding the process. Debriefing is nothing but a critical reflection on your own performance – self-analysis. Reflection is the best practice to bridge the gap between present and desired outcome. It is an exercise that helps you identify what needs to be done differently to achieve different results. This can be done by adapting one of many approaches. I personally do a systematic reflection on my own performance following the fish bone model that I have explained in detail in my blog post ‘The man on top of mountain did not fall there’.

Risks of debriefing: But before you embark on self-analysis, let me warn you of the potential risks associated with this process. Critical reflection is not as easy as it sounds, it is an emotional process. All the reactions that I explained in the opening of this blog are rooted to our ego and self-esteem; telling us how incapable we are as compared to those who succeeded. If your first reaction to the failure was, ‘I don’t know what went wrong, I did quite well’, then trust me you are coming from a point of ego. Evidence proves that an ego-centred self-analysis is unlikely to change the outcome. I believe that failure should be treated like bereavement and therefore, I allow a good few weeks before conducting the debrief. This allows the emotions to settle down, denial to convert into acceptance and most of the times I find students ready to move on and look forward. It still remains an optional and voluntary meeting, because another risk of debriefing is student disengagement with the mentor and peers. Essentially, any such disengagement is an emotional reaction which is oftentimes not very helpful. I have faced all sorts of emotional reactions in a debrief, including violence against the mentor (myself) on a rare occasion.

So, before you proceed further to a self-analysis, it is imperative that you shift your focus from ego to task-oriented. This means that instead of thinking ‘the exam is tough’, shift your thoughts to ‘What can I do to improve?’. Unless you develop this mindset, you will not be able to be productive enough and move on.

Aims of debriefing: Improved future performance is the only aim of debriefing and this can be achieved only once you have shifted your focus from ego to task. The more task oriented you become, the better you communicate with the teacher, this consequently helps them to shape their teaching to your needs. Shared commitment towards learning process is the rule of thumb. No coaching, mentoring, courses or groups can be ideal, perfect and complete, because your learning is your individual process and is unique to you. This is precisely why I keep myself personally available to my students at any time of need so the gaps they might find within my course can be filled up with one-to-one interaction. Knowledge is not a fixed entity, it evolves and increments with experience and increased engagement with mentor and peers. And debriefing is an excellent opportunity to rebuild motivation and construct new knowledge.

Common Causes: The most common reasons that students highlight are listed below although this list can be exhaustive: – Inadequate preparation – Lack of revision/practice – Poor time management – Inadequate planning – Unawareness of UK systems

But did you know that under the surface of these apparently simple and obvious reasons, the actual problem is sometimes of a serious nature. This is more specifically true if the failure is recurrent. So just identifying this case will not solve the problem, you will need to consider the root cause to bring a better result.

Root Cause Analysis: All the reasons listed above have much deeper roots. I am elaborating just a few below to avoid a very lengthy post.

1. Superficial learning: This is the number one culprit for failure and a direct result of lack of understanding exam requirements leading to sub-optimal preparation. Most higher education exams are specifically designed to test your critical thinking and problem solving skills. This is next to impossible to pass this exam easily with superficial learning behaviour. Obvious indicators of this behaviour are what I call ‘red flag questions’ from the students. ‘What is the right answer?’ ‘Which books do you recommend to read?’ ‘What questions can come in the exam?’ ‘Can you provide me notes?’

The attitude behind this behaviour is seeking easy and quick fix, as well as dependence. None of this ever allows a critical thinking to develop.

2. Confidence issues: Both over and under confidence are silent killers. Confidence levels directly affect exam day performance, so no matter how well prepared you are and how good your critical thinking is, you can very easily make silly mistakes. The story doesn’t end here. What happens after exams is that those who were under confident further lose their confidence, and those who were over confident usually cannot identify the gaps they must bridge.

3. Social circumstances: This is unfortunately one factor we have least control on. The list is long but some of common ones are financial restrains, relationship problems, domestic abuse, work-place bullying, loss of a loved one etc. etc. One useful strategy is not to push yourself through, and plan the exam at a time when you feel is convenient. There is no need to be hard on yourself and as a matter of fact, this exam is never a top priority when compared with social factors. A practical and realistic approach is mandatory in these circumstances.

4. Mental health issues: Well, I can see some rolling eyes here. Unfortunately, doctors are most vulnerable but least open to accept this factor. it’s not surprising to develop circumstantial/temporary depression, anxiety, mania, phobia etc. with such a highly stressful job. And if these problems are not addressed in a timely manner, they can develop into chronic conditions. It’s important to understand that mental health is equally important like physical health, and just like we know physical exercise is beneficial even in the absence of physical illness, similarly a few counselling sessions now and then are very beneficial in mental strength.

5. Personality disorders: Once again these are much common among doctors than you can think of, but the problem with anyone with a personality disorder is that they are themselves completely unaware of this. A typical differentiating feature between mood and personality disorder is that people with mood disorders are aware of their problems and do accept help if available. As you can clearly see from the root causes mentioned above, faulty study is just one factor resulting in failure. So, focusing only on the study factor may not reveal other areas that require your attention. In my courses, I address the study factor by using a variety of teaching strategies.

As mentioned earlier, it’s almost impossible to cover every learning objective in one course. Therefore, I try to bridge the gaps and address individual needs by one-to-one sessions, non-academic support by offering to be your talk buddy, moral support and motivational chats. I also try to cover areas not covered by any other courses like systems in the UK, Clinical Governance, communication skills, statistics etc. in live online events. In my e-courses, my focus remains to facilitate you to build up your foundation knowledge and develop critical thinking by not offering any ready-made notes, encouraging brainstorming and promoting self-directed learning (I know I am a pain, but it’s a short term pain for a long term gain).

I feel to be privileged that the Almighty has given me an opportunity to help my colleagues and students beyond their study by having this platform BeMRCOG. The support we offer you here is extended to help you address non-academic challenges you might be facing. ‘Doctors in difficulty’ is a service where our dedicated and highly skilled professionals are available to help you through confidence issues, prioritising skills, mental health issues and even just for a routine counselling. The added beauty is that you can avail all of this in a private and confidential atmosphere, right from the comfort of your room. However, any help can only be offered to someone who seeks it.

Can you see now why is it so important to be honest to yourselves and take failure as a symptom rather than an outcome. Go through a thorough self-analysis, (you may wish to use the tool explained in my blog, The Man on the top of mountain did not fall there) and devise a practical plan of action for future. It is important to understand that experience is not the key to learning, it is the reflection on that experience that opens the doors to success.

Dr Asma Naqi MMEd,MRCOG, MBBS, BSc Academic Lead, Mentor and Supervisor

Source — BeMRCOG Ltd

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sovindep · 5 years ago

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The Run Down on Organic Chemistry Khan Academy Exposed

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The Hidden Truth on Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

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sovindep · 5 years ago

Text

The Run Down on Organic Chemistry Khan Academy Exposed

The Argument About Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

Rumors, Deception and Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

Who Else Wants to Learn About Organic Chemistry Khan Academy?

Let’s go up ahead and redraw this. Ditto for different chains and rings.

The Fight Against Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

Find out more about just what the GRE covers so you’ll be fully prepared come test day. Exams aren’t included with this class. Key exams need to be proctored.

The domyhomeworkforme Downside Risk of Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

The Hidden Truth on Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

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Link bài gốc: https://ift.tt/2ZDYwiF #vigor #sơ vin đẹp #sơ vin nam

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sovindep · 5 years ago

Text

The Run Down on Organic Chemistry Khan Academy Exposed

The Argument About Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

Rumors, Deception and Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

Who Else Wants to Learn About Organic Chemistry Khan Academy?

Let’s go up ahead and redraw this. Ditto for different chains and rings.

The Fight Against Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

Find out more about just what the GRE covers so you’ll be fully prepared come test day. Exams aren’t included with this class. Key exams need to be proctored.

The domyhomeworkforme Downside Risk of Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

The Hidden Truth on Organic Chemistry Khan Academy

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Link bài gốc: https://ift.tt/2MG9wbq #vigor #sơ vin đẹp #sơ vin nam

0 notes