#every parallel i discover leaves me even more unwell

[brieflyrainytheorist-blog]

Brain farts....

So to turn to a cathartic exercise, I write to try and process my brain.

Let me explain myself.

My story is a long one, too long to go into detail for now but to summarise…. my life started to change from a chaotic dysfunctional everlasting death wish to something that I feared and had no experience of….functionality

Or what appeared to be functional as I observed the rest of the ‘normal’ human race in the 1st world do.

Straight out of rehab, I almost immediately jumped into a relationship… initially had no intention of it having any longevity, after all I was so damaged-who would want me or more importantly put up with me.

But he did and 16 years of the relationship lasted somehow, producing 2 beautiful children.

But it wasn't enough for me. I didn't love him. I loved who he was and I think that is different, he was my constant, he was my secure base if I'm looking from a psychological theory aspect but I didn't love him which bred contempt.

I think, or at least I'm currently experiencing, I am a sexual creature who loves the feel of another human being.

I didn't in this relationship, it was an act to just get pure primal needs met and in the 16 years we were together, I probably actually slept in the same bed for 1 1/2 years of the relationship.

He didn't do oral sex so nor did i. I’d accepted that as normal. Sex never got more exciting than missionary, don't get me wrong, there were periodic glimpses of passion but few and far between. Since leaving the relationship and having had some good sex since I'm still stunned I accepted that for such a long time.

After 5 years of the relationship, I had grown as a person, starting to discover some resemblance of self worth, not much, but it was there and I felt guilt for this relationship, knowing I was always looking elsewhere but not actually acting on it.

I attempted to end it and was greeted with a sobbing, begging person, promising to try harder and please not to leave him……Oh shit…. I was NOT expecting that. I felt so bad, I agreed to try and carry on.

I think from that moment onwards that had sealed fate for this relationship. He then was waiting for the inevitable and I was so wracked with guilt from seeing a broken man cry…. I carried on slightly resentful for another 11 years.

We both grew separately in this time in other areas of our lives and I think that was what we were good at as a couple, we encouraged each other to better ourselves, we both individually slowly nurtured a growing self worth, just not enough to be able to let go of each other. Two children knowing something wasn't right but unable to be honest about what that was.

The eventual end could have been dealt with better by myself as I chose one of his most vulnerable times of his life. 3 days after his father died.

This not only demonstrates my selfish nature but also my inability to hold onto things until I burst and have to act.

I was expecting a repeat of what had happened when I ended it before. But nothing, no resistance, no begging and no tears.

In fact the only tears were mine of guilt.

He very quickly got into another relationship and is still in it. He cannot be honest with me about how serious it is but for a rebound, it’s been at least a year and a half. 

This stings me repeatedly. He wanted to walk leaving everything, take nothing of the 16 years we had built together. I could not understand. Still struggle with that but I'm guessing it's a preservation for him.

We still communicate-ish. On a very basic level in terms of the children.

I get angry when he talks about his new relationship and he throws money at me to try and keep me ? Happy ? Quiet.

So now I'm free…. What to do with that? Actually my solid base is now gone and that scares me, I could literally do anything. Although I now know that I have the ability to be a functional human being in this world, as I have been proving this to myself over and over again, it has taken my emotions right back to that dysfunctional being who had no filters. The primal me.

So In my best decision making ability - NOT, I hit the dating sites with vengeance.

Sex is disposable, can be the most primal thing on earth and it is so good when you find someone who knows what they are doing.

Before I start, i have written exclusively about men here, but i am Bi, I just haven't entered back into that world yet. It scares me a little, i may decide that actually it’s a woman that I want need after all….However I do like cock, too much to let it go.

I like a man to take the lead but due to my dubious past, I have also had a lot of experience and am open to a lot of things to hit my pleasure zones.

The thing I struggle with is the emotions. Is it even possible to separate the natural chemicals produced by seeing the same person repeatedly?

I have tested the waters with different men and if they are good, i repeat, if they are not i don’t…

My situation so far on the ones that have left some form of impact on me

I accidentally bumped into a guy, that initially had no interest in really. Then I fucked him. Holy shit!! He hit every physical button he could.  Maybe it wasn't even that good but I have been starved of my bodily feeling that way I clung on like a limpet.

Mentally and emotionally not really there initially and if I'm honest, not really physically attracted to him other than what he did in bed.

So he has just ended this ‘thing’ we have been doing for the past month-essentially 3 weeks of fucking pretty much every other day.

He tells me he wants a relationship now and the fuck buddy thing is not for him and that our wants are different.

I don't want to jump into another relationship so soon. I want to explore this awakening of my sexuality before the menopause kicks in and I have no interest any more.

But I do want emotional human contact too that is more than a friendship level… Maybe I want my cake and eat it? I can be very selfish sometimes.

I feel hurt from this rejection and my emotional maturity isn't at the place where I can be rational about it, My head tells me that he has spotted I am fundamentally damaged and that he’s not going to go there.

Of course i have made it all about me…again selfish

I’m struggling to let go of this rejection.

He’s a sweet bloke and I actually admire that he can show that level of emotional awareness to know when to back out until he finds what he wants. I hope he does… the child in me tell me he wont find such great sex again…. But thats my bolshy streak! Its how you know to get the best out of a situation i guess……

So meanwhile in a different reality but parallel to the one I've been talking about…. I am still on the dating sites…. Yes, fuck boy is right really, I don't particularly want exclusivity unless the world collide and makes me see that this is the ‘one’ whatever fantasy realm that exists in….

I have been speaking to someone for quite a while now,  a lot longer that fuck boy has been around and I love talking to him. I call him the Brain. I haven't met him and I'm almost afraid to as I don't want to lose what we have got in his company of chat.

We speak most days, some days all day long.

He hits my emotional intelligence level, I think anyway, I can cum when just thinking about conversations we have had. Trouble is if I meet him, I'm so afraid the chemistry wont be there. This is what you don't get chatting.

There is intellectual chemistry no doubt. But it boils down to physical again.

I don’t even know what he truly looks like either. He won't show me another picture. I don't entirely trust that he is single either.

Im afraid of losing him or the persona that he has created for me.

There is another boy, and I use that word loosely due to the fact he is 29, 14 years younger than me who tells me he wants to fuck me… he’s new. I think I might try him. No long term intention….

And then there is Chris. Chris was one of the first I started with. Again I haven't met him, I was going to but he bottled it.

He’s sweet but brings out the punisher in me. I kind of like stringing him along. I’m a bitch right? I may still fuck him but I like the fact he still try to get me to meet him. I told him it was 2 strikes and then out and he bottled both times.

He has narcolepsy, the nurse in me wants to know if he will crash while I'm fucking him…. Yes, I’m a perv!!

There are others that I'm chatting to but no-one who has made any sort of impact.

What do I get from it all?

I guess there are multiple levels of stuff.

Firstly validation that I cannot obtain for myself. 

The physical aspect forfils my physical and sexual desires. Thats chemical.

There is also an element of punishment in there too. A shame shock if you like. It challenges all my catholic guilt that I seem to lug around like a sack of rubble.

If I enter something and get rejected it validates my core belief that I am mad, bad and unlovable. There is some sort of sick investment in there that keeps me mentally unwell. Maybe I like that as it defines me to myself.