#every other month i get frustrated because I can't line art very well anymore and then remember how much more fun lineless painting is

[oshaskell]

Dozing noblewoman and her strange young friend.

[coffindoves]

a general life update post.

it has been mostly uh. Bad. happy holidays.......

i'm still living with my family pretty hopelessly. they forced me to either go back to school or get a job with the threat that they will destroy all my things & then kick me out..... i took both options because:

1. i really wanted to go back to school while i could still go for free, at least. all i really care about is getting a job that i can do from home so i know even if i end up moving around a lot in the future, there's (some) income stability... i switched my major to computer science so hopefully there's something i can achieve with just an associates degree or something. maybe i will minor in accounting.

2. i just really desperately need a lot of money fast LOL.... the job i'm signed up for is through a temp agency doing factory work. it's so less than ideal especially because i have so many issues going on; at the very least they're letting me sit on the line but i'm unsure if i can even keep up for 8hrs straight on 3rd shift in that environment. but it pays really well & at the very least if i can make this last 3mo i can quit & LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE... doing schooling in this house is not going to work [is on academic probation due to The Bullshit] so if anything, no. 1 is a bigger motivator.

if that doesn't work out for me then......... i honestly don't know. re: feeling pretty hopeless, overall.

i want to stay positive as best as i can, but it's hard, after such a shitty shitty year. if this doesn't work, i can't even see in the future some other opportunity i will ever have again to leave this place. making money through art doesn't work when i can't ever have time safely to myself or never have the motivation due to mental illness + autoimmune flare ups.

i've felt just very, Bad About Myself, for being too Stupid & Scared, to leave when i had the best chance to i'd probably ever get. & then on top of that, in that situation, loosing the last connections to people i had IRL because of the direness of it all & snapping at them after misinterpreting how much they were willing to help me lol...

i feel even worse thinking like, "i need to make more friends than the 3 people i talk to once a month" because the only reason i'd be interested in knowing someone would be the small possibility they'd let me be their roommate or something. i don't have the, energy, to really maintain any real friendships, let alone the motivation to get pass the stage of "meeting this person + understanding their boundaries + feeling somewhat comfortable" to talk to them in any other way that isn't impersonal. & yet this loneliness & despair is so frustrating. it feels like an unfixable problem in the stupidest way ever, like it shouldn't be so hard for me to think of some reason to message someone first with something substantial other than some vague desire for a friend.

all i want for next year, is to be able to at least visit Akira once, if we don't get to live together soon. & my promise was, i would come sometime around our anniversary (Late May/Early June). but it's looking reallyreally difficult for me right now. & all i can think of is feeling just pure devastation, if i can't fulfill that promise. quite literally in the most serious sense, it's the only thing i have been looking forward towards at all. it's the thought of it that's been keeping me going.

6mo just doesn't seem very far away to me right now & all i can do is anticipate the stress of it all getting there. the only thing i can think is: first, needing to live somewhere away from my family they can't reach me; & then second, which is having the funds to visit in the first place. moving away will involve me loosing my job, since, i can't drive & it's too local anyways. then on top of that, trying to figure out how to save money afterwards sounds like a nightmare. every damn apartment costs $1k in rent anymore; the job i'm getting will only give me $3k/mo at best... i don't even want to think about hypothetical food budgeting right now. needing something to sleep on. getting my clothes washed. everything just seems.... extremely impossible right now.

i'm going to try my best & just relax while i can, try not to think of this stuff so deeply until the new years, but even so as it is (to some it up): Yeah, Not Doing Good.