#every human ixn i have where i overextend myself reflexively. like. i was fine. it didn't cost that much. but i still. shouldn't be doing i | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ame-to-ame · 6 months ago

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There is horror in learning that sometimes you can't unlearn certain things. or that the process is so. so. so. damn slow. That sometimes it doesn't feel like you're forgetting it and you beat yourself up everyday for not having moved on faster

But on another note it means I can whip out stuff like this in a day after being in serious art block for months B) (character is Kit by artoada on artfight)

Yes I am very proud of this one it's a fullbody piece with composition and thin line art and somewhat of a background!!! and I'm using techniques I learned like. once. while doing a master study before.

#my art #not tagging for artfight bc im highkey lowkey losing it a little over the horrors of the human existence #some things. you forget you even know how to do. you just do it and sit with horror afterwards.#like. i don't remember knowing this. i don't remember doing this. my body is doing it perfectly. why.#like im grateful really i think it's a good evolutionary skill i'm glad i can do things after learning just once years ago #but i wish i had more control over what things to forget and delete. just lift it and put it in the recycle bin. poof.#knowing how to draw in a certain way! good! nice! helpful!#automatically offering to go help someone despite being in a shaky state? bad. not good. don't do that reflexively please.#every human ixn i have where i overextend myself reflexively. like. i was fine. it didn't cost that much. but i still. shouldn't be doing i #the way i told her i needed to go by 9. but then when we kept going. i couldn't make myself uphold that.#the way despite me almost falling. and they could have just switched their shoes to ask themselves. and i still went over to ask for them.#the altruism or people pleasing or whatever you want to call it. is baked into me. and i don't think my willingness to help is a bad thing.#but i. have a very. bad sense of self. where i am at. how am i doing. am i in a place where i am safe and secure enough to take on that.#and idk. most times. im willing to put myself in a bad spot or let ppl take advantage of me. for the sake of others.#and that's been so hard to unlearn. it's been so hard to unlearn. beating myself up nightly. because sometimes offering to help is bad.#sometimes it's just the urge to not have the other party be hurt or upset reacts faster than my brain can think the situation through.#am i still beating myself up for what happened at work? yes. Even though it's not my fault? yes.#but we move on. we move on.

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