#every friendship also has a different dynamic and ruleset which is all very confusing for me ngl

[seraphim-soulmate]

31 October 2023

ok going to write this down before my self-esteem and mood go down, but I've always been very perplexed by friendship and how it works and like, why people like me or are friends with me? and I had some thoughts! (this was longer than I thought it would be lol more under the cut)

So in the shower I was thinking and it is somewhat based on common interests, but NOT in the way that I was thinking of common interests before. It's not like "well we both like dinosaurs so we're friends", its often deeper interests that are connected to identity to some extent. or like shared values, beliefs, but not all of them have to be the same. like just because my friend enjoys a certain type of music that I don't like and often goes to events of that music, doesn't mean we can't be friends because we still have common ground in other areas that can connect us and other events we can go to together.

but still, a friendship is likely going to be frustrating and not work out well if one of the parties has a value that directly clashes against the other in a very material way. like someone who values punctuality, communication and following through on plans isn't going to get along great with someone who is flakey, difficult to contact and often late. But! that also doesn't mean that people can't get along with you because you have different values, beliefs or because you struggle with certain things. like my internalized beliefs around tattoos doesn't make me a bad person, nor a bad friend, and my friends acknowledge that it comes from a more deeply rooted issue and don't take offense to it.

People are also able to accept that you have struggles or limitations (most of the time) and are able to compromise. Like I'm unfortunately often +/-30 mins late because of my disability; I end up needing extra time to lay down that I didn't account for or my body can't move as quickly as it does on other days or oops I dissociated and forgot to do things. I make sure to ask people close to me if it bothers them if I'm late, so I can make sure I set aside even more time to prepare for something if it is the case. Plus there's certain events that have a timeframe of when you can arrive without it being weird, those are hard to figure out though. I think as long as people are secure enough in their identity, values and beliefs, they don't take mine as a personal attack.

sidenote: you can also take care of needs during the time you see friends and don't always have to be 100% prepared when seeing them. I can tell them I need to eat and go get food. this fluctuates based on my sensory difficulty level and cognitive processing abilities of the day but I am allowed to "inconvenience" others with my needs

And friendship, making new friends in particular, is often genuinely about vibes, whether or not you simply "click", which you don't have much control over nor can you always articulate why you didn't have that moment of connection with someone. Because there's a lot of entirely decent people, who I've shared values with and shared perspectives with, who I just didn't really "click" with. I'm still trying to decipher whether that's something that happens instantly upon meeting or can be built up, and if it can be built up, does that result in a fulfilling friendship? or is it always sort of going to be difficult because you're unsure of the connection?

It's also sometimes hard for me to remember what common ground I do have with friends, but sometimes "events" can be going for a walk in the park, sharing a meal or going to some common place like a zoo, aquarium, museum. Just often in the depths of my sadness and isolation, I forget I have interests and I forget that even if I'm not hyperfixated on something, there are still enjoyable activities. That I can do by myself and/or with others.

When I was doing poorly before leaving for the US, I perpetually had the question on my mind of "why are people friends with me? what do I bring to the relationship?", mostly because I was seeing only the differences I had with others and not any of the things we have in common. And it is genuinely hard because a lot of normal interests are things I find difficult, don't enjoy or even find repulsive a lot of the time (music, movies, comics, video games). So I think this will be an interesting period of rediscovering my interests and things I have in common with others.

But I can nevertheless be a bit appeased by remembering that there are things I can do. I often need accommodations, but that doesn't make me a bad person either.

And I don't need to compensate for my weaknesses by trying to placate people with gifts or actions and try prove to them I'm worthy of their friendship.

Like yes maybe going to a museum will be a full day of effort for me, but I can also request a wheelchair, wear noise cancelling earbuds, go at a time where there's less crowd, ask a friend to contact the establishment to verify information related to those things. My life is going to look a bit different than what it looked like before, and yes maybe I will have to put additional requests on my friends, but others not being able to accommodate me doesn't mean I shouldn't or don't have those needs.

Another addition is that people like me, and are friends with me, because we did have that connection, and clicking moment, and have continued to maintain and work on our friendship by spending time with one another and showing care. But people don't like/dislike me because of fundamental traits to who I am really. It's not that deep if I don't feel a connection to a new person. It's not that deep if there's a trait someone doesn't like about me, or I about them, and that's the reason why we don't pursue a friendship. It's not because my life is hard and that I have struggles and difficulties that people dislike me (I think? I mean it can be off-putting but hopefully not the full reason if they are capable of handling that emotionally). A lot of my friends have stuck by me through very difficult moments and have supported me in them.

I still struggle with feeling guilty about having difficulties in my life and probably more often than not, bringing negativity or intensity to a situation where I'm not realizing that's what I'm bringing because I'm in a bad place so those thoughts feel normal to me. I'm still honestly not sure how to navigate that, because I want to respect my needs for reassurance and connection with others, but I also don't want to drag my friends down with me or put heavy things on their conscience when they can't handle it. Part of that is checking in with them before bringing up something heavy, but it's not always easy to know what others consider to be "heavy"; a lot of normal parts of my life are things that are heavy that I don't take the time to recognize as such. I guess that's also why it's best to have a friend group of others you can turn to when someone isn't available.