#even less that is ken's bday

[jvngtaekwvn]

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[teonys-jf]

omg i love fcuu. it has some of the best charas!!! like jenny, diana, betty and ken!!! can you post some hcs for it??

also opnion, what is your fav season of mys/mcd?

and like for what reasons did you make the changes that you did to the stories? (applies to both mys/mcd and all other rewrites of yours)

of course i can!! i wrote so many they’re going under a read more, like all of my stuff ^^;;

but to answer your second question, love~love came out during my summer break so it’s stuck with me lol. i love it too much even though, like all seasons, its pretty sucky... i remembered more of season 2 of mcd, i had come in like the middle of s1? and i barely remember s3 haha! so i don’t really have a favorite, it’s more scenes that i like :)

i made changes for fun mostly, some made more sense and some characters had potential and i wanted to explore it on my own? idk, i had problems and went “i can do better than this >:” after seeing a bunch of problems and started writing lol

jenny, she/her

so jenny used to be a scene girl. her bangs. it makes sense

her bangs still hold the shape, she’s still trying to get them back to what they were in college

jenny has her ears pierced

later in life she gets her tongue pierced as well

she also gets a spray tan every now and then

forgot to say! i used to think she got a spray tan! ^^;;

alloace

jenny is pretty tall

she likes guys with long hair and girls with short hair

sometimes, when first introducing people and she’s by cathy/betty she goes by jen

they all do this to confuse less people, so it’s jen, cath, and bet. betty didn’t know why the two were laughing so much and stopped later once she heard how funny it was

her birthday is in fall

however. she is a winter nut

diana, she/he/they

got his eyebrow/ears pierced

she has a high pain tolerance

also gets a tongue piercing/nose stud later

became friends with jen/cathy/betty before college

cathy thought diana had a crush on her and tried to convince the other two of this

they didn’t believe this and still hung out with diana, but didn’t tell cathy about it

bi :)

also has a fall bday ^v^

sometimes goes by dian

got a kick out of how much ken was freaking out about this and kept it to annoy them </2

made friends with terra, zane, and got ken to join. they like to do mini “competitions” as zane likes to call them

they’re usually dumb small stuff that makes everyone sick with laughter as zane tries to get everyone back on track

about the same height as terra

has an old stick-and-poke from junior high

it’s a crescent moon on their wrist :)

got the ear piercing from the same friend from that day!

short hair, likes to keep a long strip because of his mom and braids it

extra nice to aaron if she sees him

knows it’s very visible that the guy could be blown down at this point by a harsh breath in his direction

wanted to play kind-of-therapist to try and help, realized that there was stuff that needed a professional, jay/gene have come to the cafe to check up on him with dian

also doesn’t have a crush on him, can sense that he doesn’t like women and gets a kick out of how protective cathy is of him and how jenny acts around him

doesn’t say anything to them but has a running bet of who will find out about his bf first with ken

{forgot i wrote this, “lame gay and lesbully ken/diana” lol

too funny to not include}

hangs out with jay, ken, and mac in aarons room when he doesn’t have class

sometimes betty joins, sometimes gene joins- it’s always a toss up

makes jewelry for a living after college, made some small stuff and sold it online

betty, she/her {my favorite. the only character ever <2}

mei’fwa betty real!!! {or fel’ine if you’re going with my stuff ^ ^}

or at least part mei’fwa/fel’ine

ears pierced :)

gets more piercings after college, and works in a tattoo/piercing parlor

non-sam aroace :)

spring birthday

hangs out in a mini-group with jay, mac, and terra on the grass for lunch on sunny days

same height as mac

not sure how long her hair is, it’s giving me trouble ;;

i’ve narrowed it down to short, or long with a different coloring/style

can cut hair

strong 💪

she apprehended cathy. betty works out B)

likesto bake with nana and jay

cadenza and zoey like to come over as well

when kiki can make it she tries to give tips on some animal safe treats :)

friends with miaki, reece, and kai after college too

very friend oriented :)

katelyn, garroth, ivy, lillian, and terra were also her friends in college

still has the numbers for lillian and ivy and sometimes texts, kate/garroth don’t really talk with her anymore

very capybara like. good for her :)

ken, he/they

{since it didn’t really add anything to the story, ken is just human. him being a werewolf didn’t really come up in the series and it felt like a weird jess thing yknow?}

zane still has his phone number

they have gotten high after college and started talking about their hatred for capitalism and whatever bugged them

aaron found them one night and joined

achillean, polyamorous, and nonbinary

tried to have a pet bird in the dorms, along with ferrets, rats, mice, and a bunch of bugs. they were not happy with ken

mid-back hair length

becomes friends with gene/zenix after hanging out with gene so much through aaron, meets sasha and they’re all friends :)

favorite color is dark teal, so that’s what he dyed his hair

it’s naturally black

likes to jokingly pick on jay, mac, and betty

they don’t mind, they just bring up the one time he chugged a pot of coffee and let it go on accident into the sink and reached for a knife as it shattered

hangs out with lucinda/sasha and they like to watch movies together and share story ideas they’ve had after college

[wonderpommey]

{PS; Roman’s sexuality - SOLVED}

Following this post with yet another Roman Roy’s sexuality essay. Read at your own peril! It’s disgustingly long to be honest, but the topic is fascinating.

Have you seen “power of the dog” y’all? Go watch it, it’s pure brilliance injected into your veins! 

I’m increasingly getting an in-between Phil & Peter vibe with Roman where his sexuality isn’t the object, what we know is more or less what it is which is that Roman is turned on in power imbalance scenarios; exerting power with Grace/trainer and being submissive with Gerri with a preference for the latter. I think the crux of Roman's story is the back and forth journey between embracing and rejecting toxic masculinity. If done well, it’s a very interesting story which completely tracks with his difficulties with younger trophy-type women and lack of gay liaisons at almost 40 yo (apart from flirting with some men in scenarios where he needs a business win from them).

Roman seems to externally search some version of masculinity his father will respect - trophy girlfriends, quick deals, a dose of showing off, but in his heart that isn’t him.

Unlike Logan (and like Peter), Roman can sniff people and “bend”/manipulate/flirt with men to get what he wants. This undeniable power of adaptation of someone who is not enslaved to toxic masculinity is what makes Roman both despicable and indispensable to Logan.

I keep circling back to picturing whomever Logan would be interested in as a love interest as the epitome of what Roman can’t bring himself to want. The only relationship of his dad’s that Roman seems to get is Logan's relationship with Rhea in which the smart, powerful woman is set to take Logan’s power away. Roman talks to Gerri not once but twice about castration by the way and throws himself to the side for her to get the top job. I read here a great post about how Roman wants to be fucked/dominated privately and of course he does, because he represses the "shameful” soft skills, bendy, submissive side of him so much, that it comes back out as a kink. Forbidding something to your children is a sure way to make it even more desirable to them. It makes it an even more prevalent trait, it just attaches shame to it. Who knows what Roman would have been had he been raised by I don’t know Timothé Chalamet or Kieran Culkin lol?

It doesn’t mean that Roman isn't bisexual but I think he’s quite comfortable showing he may not agree with homophobia and racism. On the other hand, he says a LOT of sexist things, especially when acting as Logan's attack dog. It’s also the core of his attack on Shiv at Ken’s bday party. And then Kendall tells him he’s not being “real”.

Misogyny - not treating women as disposable pretty objects/wombs - is the thing that Roman is still very ashamed of not feeling in front of his dad. In many ways that’s very true to real life. Misogyny and anti-semitism are probably the 2 types of discriminations even progressives still have trouble pushing back against. Roman maintains this toxic facade until the very last minute when he is pushed to the edge and has to stand up for Gerri and show care for Kendall in both S2 and 3.

This non toxicity always being the incredible power - that Logan will never have - of true manhood that allows Roman to stand up to his dad for the people he cares about.

Romantically, Roman wants to convince himself that the family abuse that makes this soft side of him suffer doesn’t mean he’s not loved. However, his only means to understand love is as something which is somewhat transactional "how much of your business interest will you sacrifice for me?” which of course is a tragic pursuit where his partner and the relationship are doomed if they do, and doomed if they don’t.

He wants someone who dominates and nurtures him, whose intelligence he can admire. Someone who will still care for him above all else to the point of self sacrifice. I don’t think it has a lot to do with if it’s a man or a woman. We’ll find out soon if bisexuality is part of this as Matsson is poised to be all of the above and of course he’ll never sacrifice himself for Roman either; Lukas is essentially saying "I want to see you fail and I’m into you with a side of I’ll get bored and use your weakness to destroy you. You’re essential to that integration process but also fall back while I speak to your dad in order to fuck you over"… Succession always tells us where it’s going - maybe this story is done as all this has already happened but I think there’s more potential there, including a potential role reversal where Roman experiences being in Gerri’s shoes and trying to contain something that could destroy his career.

A quick aside here, I’d always read Gerri’s "you need to find some other outlet" as permission to look elsewhere for what she can’t give him, but I think it may be her saying "I’m merely a stress release outlet for you”, which should be an opening for him to tell her how he really feels, which of course he’s unable to take.

Roman's relationship to sex & love has this impossible dialectic - His theme tune/football team is “ Hearts”. Genuine love & care based in admiration that pushes him to listen and protect, but also an impossibility to build a rapport slowly & organically as separate from the business realm and he is unable to express his feelings without resorting to learnt toxicity. He tries to establish forced intimacy, instead of slowly engaging in the necessary give and take process of building it, because as so many people have noted it takes vulnerability, it takes revealing the soft ashamed side of him.

He himself doesn't understand where toxicity stops and love begins, what is real and what is put on. Roman asks for phone sex, marriage, cannibalism, castration, sends dickpicks, suggests having bad sex in a random hotel room and that he'd fuck Gerri's daughters or her boyfriend instead of being honest…The repression of his true longings makes this unavoidable; He’s not allowed these “shameful” feelings (you’re a laughing stock), he can’t indulge them. 

It's Logan’s “I don’t want to know” and Roman's “no one will know”, so they end up coming out in even more intense, shameful & destructive ways. And of course, it makes him unviable as a partner “how does it serve my interests?” for the kind of self-made, self-respecting person whose love and approval he seeks.

That’s such a fascinating story I think, shame it’s such an aside for the show. I also love the opposite side of the coin; The idea that Shiv had to repress the manly, uncaring side of her because she’s a woman and how it ends up consuming her from within and destroying all the love and affection that might have been there once, that’s such a tough character to play but again one that should confront us to our own gender biases... 

[memoriesofyourdread]

akishinji for the ship thing

Always AkiShinji for all the ship things.

who hogs the duvet: Okay, so it’s a constant fight in their sleep because Shinji is always cold because of taking those suppressants, and Akihiko can’t even subconsciously lose a fight. They may or may not have woken up to a ripped duvet.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: Shinji texts to make sure Akihiko isn’t being an idiot while he’s in the country, but when Akihiko’s abroad fighting bears and training, Akihiko keeps up on calls because he misses his boyfriend.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: Shinji, most definitely. Akihiko tries, bless his heart, but it’s always something that’s more utilitarian. Shinji appreciates it still, but Akihiko eventually learns that he can offer kinky sex things as bday gifts that are bit more creative than sock and turtleneck sweater. 

who gets up first in the morning: This one’s difficult, because Akihiko is most definitely an early riser to go on a run, but I feel like Shinji is an early riser too. Though, I think Akihiko wins out by way of just by way of if Shinji doesn’t have to be awake for anything, I think he’d sleep in. Akihiko doesn’t know what sleeping in is unless Shinji’s holding him down.

who suggests new things in bed: They’re both morons about this kinda thing until they hit their stride. After they figure out something sorta kinky by accident like Shinji liking his hair pulled, it all goes downhill from there. And let’s say when Akihiko comes home from his world tour of training, he’s got months worth of ideas to share with Shinji.

who cries at movies: BOTH. But specific ones only, and they will hide said tears and pretend it didn’t happen. Give Shinji animal movies like Homeward Bound or Look Who’s Talking (did I just date myself, I think I just dated myself) while Akihiko will cry for inspirational sports movies like Remember the Titans (most definitely dating myself, damn) but also anything with super sad family feels, but they avoid those movies in general.

who gives unprompted massages: ...welp, I read that as messages. Let’s try this again. Depends. Shinji will give Akihiko massages if he looks like he needs one after a good training session, BUT he will not do it if Akihiko looks like he’s pushed himself too hard. Akihiko, however, always loves rubbing Shinji’s shoulders when Shinji looks like he’s had a rough day.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: Shinji is the mother hen of all mother hens, but he’s also the worst patient, so when Akihiko tries to fuss in return, he gets shoved out of the room.

who gets jealous easiest: Akihiko, most definitely shows it the most. He wears everything on his sleeve. Shinji gets jealous less easily, but boy, does he get petty when he is jealous.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: Akihiko just listens to whatever his friends tell him, and his S.E.E.S. underclassman are a bunch of trolls, soooo. They introduce him to shitty pop and so much more, but everything that has a fast beat, Akihiko loves because it becomes good work out music. 

who collects something unusual: Probably Shinji. I can’t think of what, but I bet he’d have a secret collection. Akihiko doesn’t seem to be a person for material things, for the most part. He might have an accidental weird collection of things from training around the world.

who takes the longest to get ready: They’re both pretty quick, but Shinji manages to be dressed well first. Akihiko might be done first, but without Mitsuru (and her staff on speed dial, because let’s be honest, she doesn’t dress herself either), he’s a hot mess that thinks a ragged cape is a good idea. Shinji usually marches him back to the bedroom to get him dressed properly.

who is the most tidy and organised: Shinji is, but Akihiko isn’t exactly a slob, so much as anyone is a slob in comparison to Shinji’s organizational skills.

who gets most excited about the holidays: Akihiko stopped getting excited about holidays after Miki died, but after every thing with Nyx is over, and Shinji’s out of his coma, Akihiko starts to get hype over spending holiday with Shinji and his friends. Shinji thinks it’s cute, even though he will never admitted it.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Shinji’s usually the big spoon, because Akihiko gets clingy and likes it when he can snuggle into Shinji’s chest. If Shinji’s clearly having a bad day, Akihiko will definitely be the big spoon to let his boyfriend hide from the world for a bit.

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: They’re both competitive as hell, but Akihiko takes it to a new level on most occasions. When Shinji’s no longer feeling it because Akihiko’s taken it way too seriously, he tends to distract Akihiko by touching or kissing him. In a way, Shinji tends to win in those situations, so it soothes his competitive streak in the end.

who starts the most arguments: They are equally dumbasses about starting arguments and making them go on for much longer than they should. Every once in a while, if the arguments go on too long for petty reasons, Mitsuru or Kotone will find a way to smack their heads together. It tends to be a deterrent for continuing stupid arguments, since no one wants a Mitsuru execution or Kotone’s pranks.

who suggests that they buy a pet: Akihiko, because he knows Shinji won’t bring it up, even though he really wants a fluffy companion, since Koromaru tends to stay with Ken.

what couple traditions they have: Sometimes, instead of having a fancy date for an anniversary, they just go to Hagakure and get ramen. Also, October 4th is definitely a chill day. They eventually spend it with Ken, but for a few years, it was just not leaving the house and doing nothing but cuddling and not talking about it.

what tv shows they watch together: Their tastes in TV don’t tend to overlap, unless it’s some sort of nostalgia bomb from when they were younger. Reruns of the original Featherman, reboots of cartoons that they loved that didn’t age well but the reboot does it better, and stupid shows about paranormal things. Sometimes, it ends up being related to shadows and personas.

what other couple they hang out with: YukaMitsu, because Yukari’s big on getting Mitsuru out of the house and out of the office, so double dates with her besties is a great excuse. AiKo tend to be fun to have wander adventures with, since Aigis is still new to a lot, even years later, and Kotone is an enabler. The boys can never say they’re bored hanging out with them.

how they spend time together as a couple: Usually, sharing a good meal or chilling at home. Occasionally, when needs must (and they really must, because Shinji doesn’t even want to be a backup Shadow Operative), they’ll be together on an op for the Shadow Operatives, like trying to find out what the hell is going in Tokyo and what are the Phantom Thieves really doing. 

who made the first move: Akihiko. Always Akihiko, because the likelihood of Shinji believing he doesn’t deserve good things is very high.

who brings flowers home: Neither are really flower people, but sometimes, Akihiko will get some to be romantic. Shinji doesn’t really mind all that much, though he won’t say it.

who is the best cook: Obviously Shinji. Akihiko could probably burn water, but I don’t think Shinji never tried to teach him. Whether Akihiko had the attention span for it, is another story...

[blastthatsadfm]

Some Mitsuru birthday headcanons:

- She probably forgot? One day before? And then she woke up and looked at her calendar and was suddenly reminded of her own birthday and then she felt very fragile. This tends to happen, especially on the birthdays without her dad. 

- Fuuka probably build a little something to give her, as a gift! Fuuka spends a week thinking about it and then another week building the thing; and then she almost loses her courage to actually give it to Mitsuru, thinking she wont care about it at all. Its probably something really simple like a bedside lamp with shades of red.

- Mitsuru is very surprised, she almost cries, she had no idea Fuuka was keeping tabs of things like this.

- YUKARI PROBABLY TORTURED HERSELF SO BADLY wondering what to give her and if she even should give her anything at all. - Yukari will probably settle for something hand made, with her little ribbons. She wanted to give maybe a jewel or something of Kirijou’s fancy levels but theres no way she would have the money to give Mitsuru something she wouldnt be able to buy it herself. So she settles to make something with her own hands and puts all of her love into it.

- But she messes up when she delivers the gift, she’s all like “huh//clears throath... anway, heres this. ... I KNOW you could go and get yourself something better, senpai, but I still... anyway...  I still did this like an idiot, cuz I... Happy birthday!!!”  - Mitsuru is like ??????? It takes her like 5 whole seconds to understand.

- Akihiko probably f or g ot entirely (he and Junpei. Ken didnt even know) but thats ok, Mitsuru wasnt expeciting any less of him.

- He loves and respects her and she’s probably his closest friend after Shinji, but he’s all like “.... Huh?? What are we doing today??? OH! ITs your birthday??!!”

- On the future, though, as the closest to her and with more common sense than Aigis, he’ll probably be the one in charge to organize a bday party to Mitsuru and call everyone from SEES every year. Its the least he can do, he insists it himself.

[the-firebird69]

Watch "Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball (Official Video)" on YouTube

She looked down and said it's just chafing and ran off and took a shower started drinking stuff injecting it said I got to leave and she left and she left it there I thought you was set up and she was. Tested and it was overexposure she went to the hospital went to a full treatment that's going and out for like a year.

Some say that was Gilene's mom that no.

She's not bja either it's his sister and yes Ellie and it's her body and she fried herself she ran off and she healed and yes it took a year to get out of her bones.

The name of the new drink is cannonball Wrecking Ball oh yeah wrecking Ball that's what we said I meant to say yeah I think so someone tries to change the cannonball probably Brian Gerard for his rum.

It comes in a big wrecking Ball shape and it's a black ball and it's a hard liquor whiskey and it's probably the best whiskey you'll ever drink when we're not telling you what it is and we're not telling you what the ball is made out of but the small ones made out of glass glass and comes with a kit only the small one has a kit. Real gold embossed plug and it's a real plug and you're not going to get it for less than $500 and it's for sale down at the southern fort Myers and we're going to be selling it out near the entrance to Dave & Buster's special permit and we're going to be putting it in upscale stores sex fifth avenue Lord & Taylor's and they do so alcohol occasionally and other places that sell it dinner high-end and they wanted at ABC and we're going to go talk to them about it and see if we can get a place in their case because it's actually a lot of money it says it's not the most expensive you said well that's for the small one and they said oh and then this also aged and those ones are different and they're particular so you want some now they'll build a case so we can bring a case in it looks like yours it says that's acceptable and you can key it yourself we'll just bring it without the key thing so he's going to go ahead and make a spot for it there's another place I can't go s*** he says doesn't care for me going there it's probably not true just have Budweiser zero when I get my fitty or even bike me and Ken come down my insulated bags and go to the beach everyday and get lung disease that's laughing. Ken has to get a bike though I don't know how it's going to work with that him without one so he's thinking of buying one that stock and around and it's less is a good idea maybe 500 w or even 350 but 500 is what I suggest because he's big a lot of people are saying it to him too don't be a fool you can't get this little one you saw it it was well a little slow we go slow anyways to the dance ken don't be a jackass you can sell your eBay to Terry she's small and you can get one of my dirt bike one so we can go trail riding. Okay I see it we'll get a spare battery and we'll go up that road all the way up there to Sarasota and I agree with that after it's devastated they put all that stuff back

Ken

Hera Zues

Thor Freya

Manager Dave and Buster's mall ft Meyers

Mac

ABC liquor Manager pc

Preston, his bday today

Olympus lol bday lol

[hurricanetortilla5ever-blog]

so we had a lil fight again , and it seems very repetitive because again its about the same thing , how i expect tsoething and m hurt and hes like im doing my best . idk man  which i think like , this should be the last straw like we need to get out shit straight if not theres no point beig together in  toxic relationship

i dont even wnna talk about the first time cause its all windy nd so much shit so  ok

  1. our first fight i was like expecting him to be sweet and not numb and i wanted more dates , which technically wasnt hard at all, his reasons were like he does to his capabilities etc what not , broke etc . and i kinda took that so im like ok maybe like hes a one nice trip or something in a long time , then  100 days was nice , no complains but we didnt really drink much , i guesss cause he felt pressured cause he was paying so much , but i means hes told me stories of him being i bars cocktails over cocktails , but its a small thing so i didnt really bug much . anyways we talked about it and hes like yeah im not a super sweet guy , but then he said he expressed love more with his ex , so its a bit unfair ? idk i wish he loved me as much to do so , but its not under my control 

so i feel like yeah , i accept , i accompany this love , even though i want compassionate , obsessive love , not childish , but respectful but agressive , but he is sweet to me and i know , to his extent , that he loves me , and the fact that i love him , makes all these needs diminish . i thought then maybe i had too high expectations for him , like for my birthday , 100 days , the compliments , the expression of love , some guys are good with that , i think austin hyped me so much in the past , i only now know my worth  , andnot settle for shitty men .

but like at the back of my head , theres the little things , then after this fight 

2. i felt hurt that he didnt tell me about them smoking up , and he says its cause it didnt cross his mind , but honestly , i think thats a big lie , cause i was acting up because of my depression yesterday and he was all , you feeling sad ? and didnt bother to be honest with me . and i saw his schoked look when jaydon said weed . like he got caught or something . it was kinda embarassing that i didnt know and jaydon felt like he probably failed a bro , but im not one to humiliate  so i acted like nothing happened , even tho i was pissed , also like becausse of this i felt as tho that he only did it with them cause he prefers these things with them , like we dont just randomly drin or smoke together like syaz and d , or llay all , like everytime iasked he said no and made me feel like a gross druggie thats like forcing him to do it , and honestly  , when youre smoking up you dont wanna get high with a whiny bitch thats complaining , how to enjoy  ? thats why i didnt wanna smoke with him anyways , i thought he hated it , cause everytime i asked he said no  , i wish we could just sit home and get drunk and fuck all night and talk about the universe but it seems like he only initiates to do these things with his friends , well minus the fucking thing , and like he went to tze kens house for his bday and i thought he was gonna come here , cause he told me that story and i was stupid to expect as such thats why i got drunk and sad and burnt myself with my hair curler . but idk he had another “reason” for that too i guess . then a nunch of things came up like , he goes out of his way , stays up gets drunk , gets high with his friends , while im here being his mum studying with him and making sure hes home early so he doesnt die . i just wished there was that much spontaneous shit with us , instead we get spontaneous fights , without the makeup sex too . so theres all these small thngs that just add up to him covincidentally treating his firiends with more regards than me , and his argument is that i dont appriciate the good things , like damn i do , but is it bad i want more ? is it bad i want the same thngs ur friends is having ? hurts mf , really hurts , anyways i feel like im just hurting myself , expecting him to get me the same shit as his friends ,  we ended it but like i dont know where i stand , we left the conversation ending that  hes not gonna change , he loves me but he wont go out of his way to show it , hell show it to his capability , idek what that means . like , our first bad fight , he was capable of coming early to talk , but instead he had sukiya with sohan and tze ken while i basically starved for 2 days , waiting like a dumbass . i think its time i just , expanded and made more friends , maybe hang out with monica more , cause like im so clingy and im like begging for his attention , i hate it . then when im pissed and numb , thats the only time he responds , thats the only time he reahes for my hand in the car when i dont do it first , thats the time he actually says i  love you first , cause its always me doing these things , and im so tired man , i feel like i an only adapt until im sick of him , til i hate him ,i dont want that to happen , 

i think maybe i gotta see  how things goes , its sad cause , i thought , this was the onerelationship to last , the one where people call us mum and dad for fun , we’re cute and a perfect match , or are we ? i dont wanna expect but having said that  i shouldnt settle for less than the love i need , cause thats also settling for less , i just wished hed do more ,  a lil more effort , a lil more i love yous , and i need to back off , i swear , i need to chill and stop being clingy , but at least im not (not caring) about him and cheating on him , i hope that the fact that  i didnt cheat on him is not the only better attribute i have than tracy , i stoped stalking but you know .. he said it himself , its the best love hes ever felt , hes so caught up with being matured . maybe im too childish for him . its sad , im hurting myself again, honestly  these overthinking things has been messing with my head and i think i have a bit of my depression again , and because of the lack of love , it fucked with my self confidence more . i am fucked up in the head . my heart hurts , i love him but if i know that he doesnt feel the way i do , its always gonna be one sided 

[girlwithsword]

so i haven’t journaled in 2 weeks because i am a #mess and a lot of stuff has happened so i think broad summaries are more in order

basic themes: the summer, school, the next week, the house, ken, friends, family, my health

the summer: we had the group sicha for mosh madatz applicants and i had my interview with ari for the gilboa position, galil applications just came out

i don’t think i’m going to get mosh or gilboa - not ‘cause i’m not qualified, i am, but there just seems to be a lot of people more suited for that tafkid at those machanot than myself

galil is still open and idk as much what the landscape is like so it’s still a possibility, but idk what i’m going to to if i don’t get madatz madricha. i have been actively trying to separate what i want from the summer from the tafkid and i can’t do it. 

Hannah and Sarah have made a proposal for a kvutzah messima based on leading nachshonimot and I’m down with that, but Hannah think that i could just go to Galil and be with their bogrimot and do that and maybe i could but a) that still wouldn;t give me the tzevet experience i’m looking for b) i wouldnt have the time or freedom to build a tochnit and c) i do NOT want to be the person coming in to the summer, especially as an outsider, demanding to be with certain kids! That person sucks!

I’ve talked to Hannah and to Bekah about it and im trying to talk to the mads but if i don’t get madatz madricha it’s really hard to justify going to a new machaneh to be on tzevet ragil to myself and my mother, not when there is SO MUCH theatre over the summer

anyway we just had a kvutzah call about it - Hannah, Jess and Toviah are applying for MBI! Sara and Ari are thinking about gesher! but sara still only wants to come for one session? arron fine is applying for madatz at miriam and maybe gilboa but idk?

i do have an idea, that maybe if i don’t get madatz, i stay in the city, work in theatre over the summer and spend my free time facilitating the kvutzah. like everyone gets so busy and hyper focused over kayitz and i could be an eye in the sky, keeping everyone updated, helping people with resource gathering and editing peulot - i could still be involved while not missing a summer of opportunities

school: so things are a lot more overwhelming than i want them to be

‘cause i had a bad week at the end of january i feel behind and i still haven;t totally caught up and it’s coming to mid-semester and that’s gonna catch up with me

monologue study is a lot more work than i expected - just doing all the xfript work is taking much longer than i planned for - i /just/ finished making the Lists yesterday and I’ve been working on that for WEEKS. Luckily, we don’t actually have class this week so all that stuff is due after the break - unluckily, i can’t really do work over the break and that shit needs to get done - more on that later

however, my actual piece is looking really good and some of the warm ups and breathing exercises have helped so much! two classes ago we did these breath exercises and then went around and each said a central line from our pieces and i have never been so in the moment and real and in my breath than right then and now i have had a taste and want that always

we’ll be starting shakespeare after the break and i want to try something new, I love my Beatrice, but there is something to be said for repertoire building. Rosanna suggested looking into Rosalind  pieces from As You Like It and that’s promising. I might... try a Juliet? Like, idk if that’s worthwhile im just... not a Juiet, im never gonna be the ingenue, why try? but having something sweeter is definitely a goal, idk i looked at Rosalind pieces and i think there is something that catches my eye

scene study has a similar issue in that the written work is a lot more overwhelming and time consuming than i planned and that /is/ due next week so. however, rehearsals have been going AMAZING, we’re like 98% off book and have to focus on picking up the pace, sticking to tactics and not playing attitudes and getting the blocking a little more fine tuned. 

we had dress rehearsals tuesday and it was a WRECK. /no one/ was off book, a couple scenes were just /stopped/ midway through and everyone was off. then we went up, the only group who didn;t even once call for a line and who was actually on top of our shit. i admit, it felt kinda good to be the best. though, the bar was kinda low. 

I’m being mean, a lot of people had good moments and most of the scenes that derailed derailed ‘cause ONE particular person clearly didn;t have their shit together and it threw everyone off. 

Brandon and i rehearsed today and got pacing a little more down and he’s gonna come over sunday and do a final rehearsal before tuesday’s presentation!!

my elective has been a lot less interesting than i was hoping for, the classes are kinda boring but at least it’s pretty easy. HOWEVER, we did a field trip to city hall yesterday and THAT was fascinating! we got to sit in on the city council sessions as they were deciding the budget and it was! so! cool! that’s the room where it fucking happens. and like, we should all be more on top of local politics ‘cause that’s where the day to day shit gets figured out. i did a whole snapchat rant about it it’s good

fevergraph isn’t technically school but it’s been going really well - i got to get some emotional stuff out through the journeys and i’ve gotten my heart rate up a few times, last class is next week and i think i’m gonna look into maybe some voice lessons for the next half of the semester?

anyway: sunday i need to get all my fucking scene work done, monday i should record all my notes for my TOR midterm ‘cause tuesday im running around a lot and i need to study for that. monologue stuff will have to wait - that’ll be wednesday/thursday, cause thursday afternoon... i’m getting on a plane to israel

so, that’s happening. i kinda was just.., thinking about it.. and then jazz said that if i went she would go with me.. and then my parents said they’d give me 300 for the trip as a bday present.. and then i booked tickets. we’re still figuring out exact details in terms of where we’re staying when but i’ve e-mailed mona and paul and talia and the mads about it and we’re figuring it out

so, yeah... that’s happening. we’re gonna chill and see people and go read on the beach and i’m going to where nothing but dressed the whole time and i’m so fucking excited.

in the meantime, this week i have to get all this fucking work done, my birthday is this weekend!! (there’s gonna be cupcakes and whiskey and an entire afternoon of theatre!!!!) and we need to shove in ten thousand roommate interviews in there sometime

‘cause YEAH, updates on Murnau House: we still haven;t found a new person for the Room That Cannot Be Filled which is Annoying and the previous occupant has not been as ontop of finding a replacement as he said he would so Sam is leading the search, bless her

aaaand our fridge broke last week, again, and we lost a BUNCH of food, but due to my skills of being a polite and efficient BITCH thanks to my mum, we got a new one pretty quickly and that’s going fine.

the ken: we had a tubshvat carnival two weeks ago, some bogrimot came and volunteered, it went fine, but i wasnt as invested as i should’ve been - however, i did see Iris there!! whcih was nice, she’s gonna be chinuch at shomiria this summer and she did the habo/hashi birthright! very cool

then, sem. so, we had a tzevet of 7 for 40 kids, two of whom lefton the saturday night. aaron and yehuda of all people were on mitbach and the post mbiers were a big help. the schedule pretty much went out the window becuase we didn’t even get in till after midnight in friday due to the storm.

i did however get an entire busload of kids off the bus, to a rest stop and back on to the bus in FIFTEEN MINUTES ‘cause i’m amazing, we went to camp and the kids had fun even tho it was very Emotional for me, and we re focused on The Krinkle Project for messima, and even tho we didn;t do the vaad stuff i hoped for, i think we can move forward if i get my shit together enough. we also did kvutzah peulot that, even if they didn’t go /so/ great, i think brought important ideas and next steps into a lot of the kids minds about how to be stronger as a kvtzot

there was gonna be a katkateam this weekend but ido and i are both on vaccations so that’s been cancelled. there;s a purim party on the 5th that might launch our participation in Krinkle if we get that together. Mifgash with Tavor in March, spring sem in May, maybe one final event for messima and then... we’re done. at least. I am. I’m done. And I should be expecting a cheque from Shaul any day now.

friends: sima is interning on a CTV show and getting updates on the PM’s schedule in her work e-mail, and graduating soon

julia is kind’ve her usual mess but also starting to turn a profit in selling her embroideries on etsy, but idk if she has like a plan of any kind? and that worries me to a degree

mikki’s cosplay stuff is BOOMING and she’s back with Lou but... she’s still being kinda self destructive and i’m worried about her??

josh just finished a show and i haven;t talked to him in a while.... 

anna grace and natty are putting on a show that natty wrote!

i don’t ... have that many friends??

family: same pretty much. Alex is migrating in a month, they’re moving a little closer to me than i like but what can you do.

Batsheva was here, we had one of our Talks, i need to find a more permanent therapist to go deeper with once school is done. i should probably join a group... but that im where im at for as young as i am considering everything... im honestly on a pretty good track

my health: so, i doubt anyone is reading at this point so... the weekend after my fatigue flare up at the start of the month i had a suicidal episode. and i’ve only told my therapist

it was my first one in about a year, my worst one in two and over the dumbest thing since highschool .... just being overwhelmed by school work

like, two mays ago i had a really bad one ‘cause i couldn’t get myself to finish my Buddies piece, a year ago i had a much smaller one ‘cause of a HUGE fight with my dad and this was just... being overwhelmed.

and that’s what;s frustrating!! i guess it was frustration at my body and i hadnt eaten that well and i was a day away fro  my period and all that added up to curled into a ball trying desperately not to reach for a handful of my ciprilex and melatonin for most of that saturday??? which just like wtf

OTHER THAN THAT, my physical strength has actually been on an upswing since the start of the month and im feeling a lot more active. i have a cold this week but that’s just it being february and my immune system being shitty. thank god for cold 911

okay, it’s far too late. i gotta shower and sleep and this took about 10x longer than i planned for

it’s gonna be a hell of a week, and i have no idea when i can do this again, but wish me luck!