#even if you can put tons of equipment in your deck that doesn't mean you should

[dravidious]

Actually hang on I just saw this card and it made me so angry that I needed to make a version that isn't completely terrible

This version is still terrible, to be clear. For context on just how terrible it is, here are two cards that always destroy the creature AND have an extra bonus

You're more amazing than Branches

Quick card design in text form

Parry

UR

Instant

Gain control of target spell that targets you or a permanent you control. You may choose new targets for it.

[dravidious]

You uuuuuhhhhhh are cool

So there's a relic on Path of Champions called Voidborne Carapace that give the equipped champion "Whenever any unit dies, grant me its positive keywords" and Evolve (Once you've had 6+ different positive keywords in play, grant me +2/+2). I always wondered what to use it for; Evolve is much harder to trigger when you can't choose what cards to put in your deck, and getting keywords from dying units doesn't seem that good. However, I've since realized the synergy it has with 2 champion's star powers:

Bard is a champion based a round buffing allies in your hand, and has the power Caretaker's Blessing: "Whenever you summon a unit with buffed stats, grant it a random keyword." This makes evolving super easy, and can let Bard collect up all the random keywords that your allies have, making him a monstrosity with high stats and a ton of keywords.

The other, much more interesting option, is Elise. Elise's 3-star power is Spider Queen 2: "When allies attack, grant allies Spiderlings everywhere +1/+0 and the positive keyword of allied champions." For context, spiderlings are 1/1s that Elise is really good at summoning lots of, and "everywhere" means permanently, for the rest of the game, even on spiderlings that are summoned later. Elise's deck only has reliable access to 2 keywords, so evolving is fairly difficult, but oh my the rewards...

First of all, copying the keywords of dying enemies (and any other keyworded units you pick up) allows you to permanently transfer those keywords to your spiderlings. That could be pretty nice, granting stuff like quick attack, overwhelm, brash, challenger, spellshield, etc., but it's unreliable. You also transfer evolve to your spiderlings. And while turning on evolve is difficult, if you ever manage it, then all your spiderlings get +2/+2 for the rest of the game, making you basically unstoppable with your army of itsy-bitsy spiders.

The only problem is that I don't have Voidborne Carapace nor Elise's 3-star power.