#even during the summer i don't get much vitamin d because i prefer going on walks at night so i've probably had a deficiency for a while.

[xximpeach-nixon-69xx]

dear [redacted]'s behavioral health team,

i am more than my vitamin d deficiency.

[astriiformes]

I've gone back and forth on whether or not i have true spring/summer SAD of if I just dislike the seasons because of health issues made worse by heat and dysphoria and etc, but yesterday I was walking to an evening class and on noticing it was light out at 6pm suddenly became, like, genuinely suicidal at the thought that it's only going to get worse from here, so I think. The shoe probably fits.

And that would be bad enough on its own, I've already been struggling so much with depression even during my favored months, so the last thing I need is something making it worse, but the part I found myself losing more sleep over last night was that spring/summer SAD is just so... lonely. And worse than that, I feel like it isn't respected at all. Like, I have friends I otherwise consider great on mental health issues, including mine, many of whom have fall/winter SAD themselves, who I will mention my own SAD symptoms to and who will respond with "Wow, you're so weird!" instead of the sympathy I'm looking for from fellow seasonal depression sufferers. I try to be considerate of their own issues in the winter, even though it's my preferred season, but because my version is the less common one, suddenly it's a joke?

I didn't even know until today that spring/summer SAD has slightly different symptoms that align with my experience a lot (increased anxiety along with the depressive symptoms, insomnia instead of oversleeping, poor appetite instead of overeating), because nobody talks about it. And I don't know of any helpful things to try like sun lamps or Vitamin D supplements for fall/winter SAD sufferers, because either there aren't any, or nobody's bothered to research it.

I don't know. I know I can get overly grumpy about this and I try to reign it in because I know the winter is really genuinely hard for so many people, especially living somewhere as cold and dark and far north as Minnesota. But all that really is good for me, and I really do wish I didn't have to battle loneliness and guilt and feeling "wired wrong" along with worse depressive symptoms every year when spring and summer roll around.

I'm not making a joke when I say thinking about three more months of the days getting longer made me contemplate jumping off a bridge for a split second last night, and just because my mental illness is the less common kind doesn't mean I'm just "weird" -- it's still a mental illness. And I think it would help me manage it, or at least feel a little less lonely, if people would actually treat it like one, instead of just a personality quirk.