#even I don't consider it worthwhile anymore.

[agnesandhilda]

can't tell if my newfound desire to seek reconciliation with every patriarchal authority in my life is a sign I'm healing + maturing or that I'm worse off than ever

[coucouatoi]

don't want to be alone | h.s.

Pairings: Harry Styles x Reader

Summary: Divorcing the biggest superstar on the planet is the hardest thing you've ever done. Almost as hard as marrying him was.

Warnings: Angst, couples therapy, a little bit of fluff, hopeful ending

A/N: I don't know why I'm feeling so full of angst... but, please enjoy!

Flashback are in italic and present day is normal text

Boxes are littered around the house. Some full and taped shut others still being stuffed with your items. It's a slow and torturous process, having to choose what to take, what to throw out and what things are a conversation waiting to happen "That's a wedding gift from my aunt" or "When have you ever used that?" or even better "I know it was a gift, but I paid for it so i'll keep it". It's like he knows exactly which buttons to press to get the fights started. Granted you might be doing the same thing... But it doesn't make him entitled to all the belongings you've ever shared.

You've managed to find all the picture albums, the ones you decided to make for sentimental value. The ones you gifted him in tender moments. The ones filled with so much love, so much hope and promises for a future together. The ones you're now highly considering throwing into a paper shredder and tossing into the nearest incinerator. The ones you won't be able to get rid of. The anniversary album you gave him on your one year, the wedding album, the honeymoon album, the many travel albums and, of course, your daughter's first album.

Little Anya, barely 9 months old just starting to babble her first words. Chubby legs working so hard to keep her standing and exploring. She can barely take 3 steps one after the other but she's a fighter. Your little girl that is now a cause for argument, no, fights. Custody battles. The true war between yourself and your husband, Harry Styles. Neither of you want to lose or call for a tie, it's not how either of you operate in conflict. That, most likely, is the reason for the downfall of your relationship.

Frustrated you put the albums back where you found them and you head to the kitchen.

Most kitchen items have been packed up, Harry had never really invested in worthwhile cutlery or electronics of any sort. You take some orange juice from the fridge and pour a glass for yourself. The fridge itself is barren, with only the essentials left... neither of you has gone to the groceries in weeks. Today is not going to be a good day.

From the rediscovery of your love-filled albums to the boxes you've spent most of the day doing, you still have one horrible thing to do.

Couples therapy, your first-ever session. You thought, well still think, that this is too far gone to save in therapy. There won't be anything new shared that you haven't already screamed in each other's faces and self-help talks aren't exactly going to do the trick. Anne, Harry's mother, insisted that your marriage doesn't only include two people anymore. Anya makes it worth trying, she is worthy of a stable home as she grows up. No matter how unstable having a superstar parent may be, divorced parents might just add to that an unruly amount. So, you've both agreed to try. Try your very best to reassemble your love no matter how shattered it has become. Love. Love hasn't manifested itself once since about your seventh month of pregnancy. Love has vanished from your husband's once warm and inviting eyes, it no longer lingers on his fingertips and doesn't even creep into the more tender moments you must share with your baby. Love feels like a complete joke to you now.

-

The waiting room is empty of other clients which is a blessing in disguise. This is the absolute last place you'd want to run into Harries. Even if the media has already been dragging you in the mud for "breaking their dear superstar's heart" and has been making all sorts of claims about you and your marriage. In the very beginning, Harry had spoken up about these articles and had gotten his team to shut some people up but he's been losing care for... well, you.

"Harry and Y/N?" you look up meeting the eyes of who you can only assume is your therapist. Without sparring your husband a glance you get up and follow her into her office. It's cosy and smells like vanilla. There's a yellow glow to the room, it bounces off her multiple frames and decorations. Very nonthreatening, immediately putting you a little more at ease. She gestures for you to take a seat on her velvet green couch and you sit down squeezing yourself onto the left armrest. Harry does the same to the right.

"Good afternoon to you both, I am Trinity Finch. Can I get either of you something to drink before I sit down?" She smiles politely as her eyes shift between both of you. You only shake your head as an answer not trusting your stomach at the moment.

"Water if it's not too much trouble, please" Harry's voice is strained, he had been at the studio all morning probably preparing a new album you aren't aware of.

Trinity nods and quickly grabs a water bottle from a small fridge she's got right behind her desk. Harry mumbles a thank you as she hands it to him. You don't realise that his hands are shaking as you're back to looking around the room. He takes a few big gulps before your therapist gets to sit in her chair.

"Today I would just like to start with a history lesson on your relationship. How it started, all important moments, how parenthood has changed your shared life and just how you two are as a couple" She starts getting things ready around her, notebook, pens, highlighters, some sticky notes and you swear that you spotted some bright childish stickers. Her long manicured nails tap against the glass of her desk a few times as the silence stretches. Neither of you taking the first step in this session. When she looks up again she doesn't look annoyed or surprised by the lack of an answer.

"Harry, how did you meet your wife?" Trinity asks him gently.

Harry seems caught by surprise to have been asked a question directly. He looks at you briefly before turning his eyes back to her.

"Um, we meet on the plane. For some reason, my private plane for that day was not available and they booked me on a regular flight. Premium ended up being full and I got an economy seat. I had the aisle and she had the middle we ended up bonding over our shared movie choice. Then I asked her out and um here we are?" He ends with a question. As if unsure if "here" is a good thing, it's definitely not but meeting has, unfortunately, brought you both here.

"And when was this?" she asks.

"April 2018" he answers quickly. She nods presumably writing it down.

"How was your relationship before marriage Y/N?" she looks at you now with kind eyes. They are big and dark. Staring right into your soul. It makes you slightly uncomfortable but at the same time you don't want her to look away she's your lifeline right now.

"It was very easy. I work remotely as a translator and an editor, so I've always been able to tag along on his travels and tours. He, um, he always insisted that he rather have me with him even if we couldn't see each other every single day. Just knowing I was near helped him..." you sigh. You don't want to shed tears this early into your session. You don't want Harry to see you cry any more than he already has over your lost relationship.

"I really loved following him around the globe" you add, looking down at your lap willing your wet eyes to dry.

"Any fighting? How did you deal with that?" Trinity is still talking to you maybe even sensing that you're about to cry. Is that what she wants from this?

"Well, yeah. I mean all couples fight, right? We fought over the same things all the time really. I wanted more affection I guess pressuring him to take some time away from the spotlight or he wanted me all to himself whenever it worked with him without thinking of my work. Our jobs were the main reason for fighting between us" Besides you, Harry scoffs before taking another sip of water. Your head turns to him

so quickly that a sharp pain forms in the back of your neck. Your posture immediately tightens, muscles locking and your breath gets heavier.

"What? You don't agree?" you question him in a much harsher tone than you were previously using. He meets your gaze and shrugs.

"I do but that's not all we fought over" he shrugs again not looking away. Is he trying to pick a fight right now? Here of all places?

"Then what? What am I missing?" you prepare yourself for the worst. Ready to feel like absolute shit at anything he might say.

"Your constant jealousy was a contender for the most appearances in our fights" his entire expression is accusatory but he does this thing with his posture. Gets all soft and somewhat blazé making you feel inferior and so incredibly small.

You want to storm out. Call Anne to apologise that it couldn't work out and immediately sign the divorce papers that are permanently placed right on your dining table.

Not wanting to fuel this energy taking over him right now you shrug as well before facing Trinity again. She's watching both of you like a hawk, processing the way you react to conflict with each other. Making mental notes as well as some physical ones all while hostility happens between her clients.

"We'll move on from this for now. Harry, how was the wedding? How did married life change your bond?" this seemingly calms his overgrown ego. His face is neutral again but there's a softness to it now, recalling the happy days.

"We had an Italy wedding. We, I love Italy. I flew everyone out, our families and friends, and then we stayed there for a month more for our honeymoon. The wedding itself was... amazing. We kept it small. Intimate. With my life it's always been hard to have that so, it was important to us" he sounds blissful towards the last part. Probably back there now in his mind. Ah, the good old days as they say.

"I don't think married life changed us much. We were living together before that and we'd been planning it since we got together practically" he stops talking again to take another sip of water. You look at the lady in front of you again and as she begins to open her mouth to probably question him more Harry starts talking again.

"I guess tension started about a year in. The media wasn't kind to her. They made up cheating rumours on both sides and manipulated things to make them seem like something else. Someone even showed up at our old house while I was out" he took a deep breath, cracking some of his knuckles at the same time, "We were always on edge around each other. Throwing these rumours at one another just to I don't know, get a reaction? Plus, we were stuck at home because of Covid and my tour was postponed. It was a real shit show" he laughs bitterly and you nod along to what he was saying. That was just a terrible time. For everyone.

"Then I got to go on tour, Y/N didn't follow along for all of it but she was there most of the beginning. It wasn't the same as before. There was this distance that just never got better. And then she got pregnant" he almost sounds exhausted. Maybe he is, you're not sure how much he's slept lately.

-

Shit. Fuck. This can't be happening now. Shit! The word "Pregnant" seems to be mocking you as you look down at it. Mocking the fact that you and Harry have not seriously spoken in two days and that you're flying back home tomorrow. Mockingly reminding you that this can only make things worse right now.

"Y/N, come on the car is waiting downstairs" your husband's voice is weak through the thick hotel bathroom door. He's performing in Toronto tonight. The second day, the last day before he flies to New York and you go back to London.

You walk out of the bathroom, straight past Harry, not wanting him to read your face and figure out that something is terribly wrong. You slip into your shoes for the night and take a deep breath, no scratch that, a huge breath. Willing your facial expression to cooperate before you turn to him and smile.

"Let's go superstar!" he smiles back and walks over to you. Grabbing your hand and bringing it up to his mouth so he can plant a kiss on the back of it.

"We just might have to cancel tonight if you look this good" his free hand wraps around you tightly glueing you to his body. You know he doesn't mean it but you pretend to consider it nonetheless.

"Mh what about all your adoring fans? Won't they be so utterly crushed?" you tease against his lips. He smiles wickedly before slowly nodding.

"I do have quite the engagement this evening... how about I make it up to you after?" he presses soft kisses to the sides of your face. Framing it.

"That's a pretty good offer, I just might have to tak-"

"HARRY STYLES GET YOUR ASS OUT OF YOUR HOTEL ROOM!!" Jeff's voice is full of annoyance as it cuts you off. Rude.

You laugh before getting pulled out of the room by your husband. The small plastic stick forgotten on the washroom counter for now.

You get a harsh reminder tho when you're back at the hotel after yet another amazing concert. You're laying on the bed completely stretched out and now only dressed in your underwear. Harry's currently using the washroom to try and get some of the remaining glitter off his face when he finds the secret you've kept all evening.

"Y/N, what's this?" his voice is so shaky that you barely even understood what he asked you. However, when you look up your brain catches up. He's in his boxers, left hand in his hair and right hand holding the test like it's made of glass as he looks at it as if it's going to explode. Fuck.

"No chance that you suddenly lost the ability to read?" you try and lighten the suddenly very heavy mood in the room. It fails.

"You're pregnant. How, I mean no I know how. Fuck, you're pregnant" he looks up at you panicked.

"We don't have to keep it" is the first thing out of your mouth. Probably as a panic response to his reaction. Not wanting this to turn into another fight.

"What?! Why wouldn't we, you don't want, I um" he takes a second. He's just breathing heavily while looking at you desperately. "You don't want to keep it?" he breathes out.

"You do?" is all you answer. You stand slowly, finding the clothes you just took off to put them back on. Whatever mood you were in is gone you're now filled with anxiety and a deep fear.

"You leave tomorrow... We won't see each other for what 3 months? In Mexico?" he hasn't moved an inch. Feet seemingly glued to the floor and limbs were frozen.

-

Pregnancy. One of the worst and best times of your life. Your gorgeous baby girl came out of all the pain you suffered. She gave a new meaning to the way you live, made you forget about all the physical pain you endured and...

"Why do you say it in that way? Like you still dread what the pregnancy brought" Trinity's voice almost startles you. You'd been so lost in your thoughts that you'd almost forgotten where you were.

"I don't! I love Anya" his voice is stern.

"What about your wife? What happened during the pregnancy?" she's digging. Wants to find the right buttons to push.

Harry stammers, but no answer seems to satisfy him. His hands are squeezed under his things, his right leg bouncing and his eyes avoiding either of you.

"We didn't plan her, I was right in the middle of my tour. We, um, we weren't doing very good and she was about to go home" he looks at you suddenly surprising you when he meets your eyes. You can't read him, can't understand what he's feeling. You haven't been able to read him in months.

"She- You, Y/N, she got really sick in February the seven-month mark. I was in Australia and I couldn't be there. It really strained us, we fought all the time over the phone and in person. I guess that's really when we went downhill" his jaw tenses when he looks away from you. Looks like he's not happy to have to have shared this with the room.

"Okay, thank you, Harry. I think now's a great time to take a breather. I'll meet both of you individually when we come back. So, see you both here in 20 minutes?" Trinity smiles at both of you and keeps smiling until you both walk out.

-

Harry doesn't come back. You wait 45 minutes in Trinity's office looking like an idiot. She dismisses you with a look of pity on her face before scheduling another appointment 5 days later, lots of work to do you assume. You rush out of the building humiliation creeping into every inch of your body. How could he do this on the first day? It was going fairly well, well you think so anyway... did he give up on your relationship right then and there?

As you make your way to your car you see him. Harry is pacing back and forth in front of his car as he seemingly argues on the phone. His free hand waves erratically in front of him, gesturing like mad for someone who can't even see him. So this is what he's been doing? Arguing over the phone while you sat in a therapist's office waiting to try and work on your ever-crumbling marriage. You scoff before turning away from him and to your car. But nothing seems to be on your side today as your husband hears you and immediately calls out to you.

"Y/N! Why are you leaving?" you hear him walk towards you, the clacking of his shoes getting closer to you but you ignore him and walk away faster.

You're completely focused on your black Subaru, the "You're so Golden" sticker catching your eye and making you more pissed off. Something that was put there because you loved the song, because of how beautiful your husband's voice is in the song but now all you want to do is rip it right off. So, that's what you do.

Your nails claw at the edges of it desperately. You don't want any reminders of Harry on your car, you don't want to think of him while putting the groceries away, while walking around the car after putting Anya in her car seat and you don't want to see it in your rearview mirror anymore. The top corner lifts as you're pulling at it giving you the perfect leverage to rip it right off. You throw it to the ground right before turning around to stare daggers into Harry's eyes.

"45 minutes, Harry. I sat there 45 minutes with our therapist looking at me like a beaten dog!" you hiss at him. He is now only about 2 or 3 feet away from you. His eyes are wide, in shock you guess, as he looks at the sticker. "What could you have possibly been doing for more than an hour that made you forget what we were here for?" you're sure you sound desperate right now. Your head is all over the place and your heart feels like it might explode out of your chest.

"An hour? I, no, that couldn't have been more than-"

"You can go back up and ask her if you want because I really really don't want to be around you right now" and now you're crying. Fuck. Why are you crying now? You need to leave.

While rummaging in your bag for your keys Harry grabs your arm. Well maybe not grabs, he just places his hand on you, resting it there delicately. If you weren't so aware of every single inch of your body right now you wouldn't have noticed. No matter how delicate the touch is supposed to be you flinch out of it aggressively.

"I'm, I'm so sorry Y/N. That was my mother, she, fuck" he sighs and runs a hand in his hair gripping it tightly. "She wants us to go up... she's rented a lake house or something I guess" his voice is so soft, shy even.

"Us? You mean you and Anya?" god you hope so.

"I'm so sorry" is all he answers.

-

Anne Twist is a very difficult woman to say no to. Actually, it's impossible to say no to her. In the many years you've known her, she's always been able to find a way to make you say yes. Always in a good way. She loves you, she has told you that countless times, and you love her but now that you're... the way you are with her son you don't know where you stand. Yet, she has still found a way to get you to agree to something you would have much rather not have gone to. You're in a small townhouse almost 4 hours away from your home in London with your mother-in-law, your daughter and your soon-to-be ex-husband. What has your life come to?

Anya is sitting in her high chair passionately eating banana slices as you watch her. She's already gobbled up the strawberries and pita bread slices she also had for her snack. She's such a good eater always so ready to try new things and taste whatever the adults around her eat. Especially the sweet treats her dad sneaks her.

"Do you want to go take a dip after huh? We should enjoy the water my love" you coo at her as she takes her final bite of food. She smiles at you like she understood what you asked and you chuckle wiping her chubby cheeks and hands. She'll be able to float around in the water for a little bit with you before you put her down for a nap. The steps of your morning are perfectly planned so that you can have your solo Zoom session with Trinity.

There is a small river behind the house you're staying in. The water goes up to just above your breast and it's the perfect warmth at this time of day. You've made your way down to it and are now setting up Anya's towel for when she'll be too tired to entertain you and ready for her mid-day snooze. She's currently lying right by you looking up at the sky with such curiosity, probably trying to figure out what the hell clouds are.

"You're so curious my love!" you shake her gently as you smile widely. "What do you see up there?" as you look up to join her sky-gazing you spot Harry making his way to the river as well. He's only got very short grey swimming trunks on meaning his entire chest, thighs, calves, and arms are out for the whole world to see. Maybe that's an exaggerated statement as you're the only one looking right now. You want to scold yourself for staring, you really really do but he's just so... so captivating and very enjoyable to look at no matter how much you resent him at the moment.

"Mind if I join you ladies?" his voice is more cheerful than when you heard it last. Must be because he's actually speaking to and looking at Anya.

However, when you don't answer his question he looks up at you. Expression now closed off again, how it's always been for the past few months. You smile politely and nod before turning your back to both of them so you can take your robe off. Your swimsuit isn't anything special; simple black one-piece that's high on the hips and low on your back. You think it looks pretty good on you but now you feel very aware of the amount of skin you're showing. You decide to just get in the water hoping its dark colour hides you. Hides away the skin your husband might be looking at.

"Looks like mummy is in a hurry, we should join her. What do you think sweetheart?" Harry picks your baby up and makes his way into the water. He holds her tightly to his chest as he climbs in, just in case he slips on the stones he uses as stairs. Once your daughter's chubby limbs meet the water her mouth forms into an adorable "O" shape. It's the second time Anya's been in the water now so she must still be unsure about this feeling. Harry turns her so that her front faces you and her back is against him. She smiles when she spots you reaching her arms out quickly which splashes some water around. She looks at you with a shocked expression and does it again with a giggle now.

"You little troublemaker! Trying to splash me!" you tease her sending some water her way. She answers with a sweet giggle and shakes her arms around as fast as she possibly can.

"Mh, my jokester gene is strong in her" Harry's voice is laced with pride. You playfully roll your eyes at him and hum affirmatively.

"And her love for singing too" you add remembering so many moments where she hums to any song playing. Her favourite thing to do is to harmonise with her father. His deep voice always gets her attention, always gets her to mumble and hum along with her own lyrics.

"Oh yes, she's the next big thing this one" he affirms kissing the top of her small head affectionately.

It's in moments like these that you tend to forget how bad it is between you. How many horrible things you've shouted at each other not caring how deep your words could cut. The accusations, the insults, the taunts and even the lies still weigh heavy on both of you. You like these softer moments, where you're reminded of how much love you both had for each other. Have? Had? You don't know anything about your feelings anymore, they are much too complicated to understand...

All three of you stay in the river for about an hour more before Anya starts yawning and fussing. When you exit the water you're quick to slip your robe back on still overly aware. Harry wraps the fluffy towel you had gotten ready around your baby. Her head rests in the crook of his neck, her eyelids already heavy as she blinks slowly. You all walk back to the house together silently. Might it be to keep the sleepy baby calm or to keep the peaceful aura around you and your husband, you don't know.

Harry insists that he will put the sleepy girl to bed and that you should take a shower first. After all, you have the first private sessions with your therapist. The mention of her does make the air in the townhouse tense again but Anne appears immediately to kiss Anya before she naps. You use that moment to sneak into your shared room with Harry. Luckily, it has two single beds so you don't have to share with him.

Signing deeply you rid yourself of the now damp robe you had on. Another blessing in disguise, this room has an en suite bathroom so you'll be able to jump right into the shower. Before that you do want to set up your laptop for the video call, you want to be as ready as you possibly can be. You grab your device from your backpack and make your way to the small desk in the corner of the room. There's a bunch of papers scattered around it, one glance at them and you immediately know what they are.

Lyrics. Drafts of songs and melodies written by your rockstar husband. You don't mean to read any of the words you really don't but as soon as you spot your name at the top of one of the pages you're doomed. You put your laptop down on Harry's bed which is right next to the desk and reach for that exact paper.

The words you read are full of longing, pain, sadness and fear. They mourn love, they are mourning your love. You pick up another sheet of paper, this one has no title but there are so many lines written. This one is reeks of self-hatred, of shame and guilt... it shakes the weak barriers you've built around your heart. All of the lyrics you read on different papers revolve around the same emotions. These are all about your relationship. About the death of it. About his desire to turn around. You don't realise you're crying until a tear falls onto the paper you hold. The ink bleeds into itself where it's been wet blurring the words slightly. You quickly wipe your face and put the papers down. You shouldn't be looking at these, you're invading his privacy.

"Thought you were showering" Harry's voice startles you out of the chair. You meet the floor with a loud thud. Your tear-filled eyes meet his sharp ones. Scrambling up to your feet you grab your laptop ready to explain, ready to apologise over and over again.

"At least tell me what you think" he sighs walking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind himself. This shocks you. What does he mean? He, he's not mad? Isn't disappointed that you invaded his creative space? Your mouth opens and closes a few times unsure what you should answer.

"I'm sorry" is all you're able to get out. Your brain is blank in absolute fear but tears keep falling from your eyes.

"I should be apologising... you, you weren't supposed to see those" he walks in your direction slowly, testing the waters of how close you'll let him get. He's closer than arm's reach when you flinch backwards slightly and he stops immediately.

"I was going to ask you for your permission before making any of those full songs but you know music is how I cope" he whispers now that he's so close to you. Silence takes over the room again, stretching out for too long. Your eyes somehow keep producing tears as you try and speak. Hopelessly searching for words to say.

"Do you really miss us? You miss me?" is what you come up with, your voice is so shaky that you're on the verge of sobbing uncontrollably.

This shocks Harry in place, seemingly not prepared for that kind of questioning from you. His mouth gapes and his eyes grow wide. This time you do see his hands start shaking. You're not entirely sure what this emotion is.

"Of course I do. Did you not think so?" while still whispering he reaches out to hold you but stops himself hands falling at his sides.

"Yo- Harry, you asked for the divorce. How was I supposed to know you miss me?" your voice breaks. You don't understand, why is this happening now, why is he saying these things?

-

"We should just get a divorce" Harry snaps at you as he fights back tears. Your expression immediately closes up, your body reacting before your thoughts and words do. Protecting you from what he just said, building walls around you and your heart as quickly as possible.

"Fine" you spit out as you turn away from him and walk straight out of your bedroom. If that's what he wants then so be it. You won't beg for anything now that he's made his decision.

-

"I know, okay? I know that I asked for it and that it's the reason why you don't talk to me anymore. Well, you do but not really" he sighs and sits down on his bed, damn swim trunks wetting the bed "We talk about Anya and when we're not we are yelling at each other... so when was I supposed to tell you that I missed you? That I regretted asking for the divorce..." he looks at you with a guilty expression, all his emotions are coming up at once.

"Why did you ask for it?" you ask him sitting back on the desk chair with your laptop still in your hands.

"I got in my head. You were saying we should take some time for ourselves maybe live apart... with everything that kept being said about us, I got so scared" he takes your laptop out of your grip and puts it down next to him.

"I thought you were going to fight me on it..." he adds as he grabs your hands tenderly. Like he's afraid you'll break.

You shake your head in disbelief not sure what to say. Your thoughts are all over the place, what should you make of this?

"It broke my heart" When did his face get so close to yours? You should really move away. You can't fall back into him, you can't let yourself do that. So you pull away from him roughly, your hands tugging out of his hold, face moving to the side, a sob making its way out of you as your back meets the chair-back.

When you meet Harry's eyes you can see the pain, the hurt, in them. They are brimming with tears that are so close to spilling out.

"Are we... are we too broken?" his voice has dropped to a whisper. He sounds so sad and scared.

"I'm worried" You take in a few breaths before you speak again, "What if we just end up hurting each other again? What if we can't go back?" you choke out the last few words. Tears spill endlessly out of your eyes and sobs rack your entire body.

It feels like you're running out of air and the little bits you get in are painful. Your eyes burn as you cry and your hands are shaking like crazy.

Harry might be answering or trying to communicate but nothing is making its way past your meltdown. What does make it through is the feeling of his arms around you. Him pulling you against his chest tightly, immediately rubbing your back as soothingly as he can. Your hands are grabbing his still bare skin desperately, wanting to anchor yourself in any way you can. Your face rests on his peck, right above his heart, the frantic beating bouncing around your head.

"Breathe, you have to breathe love" he speaks delicately in your ear, breaking through the barrier your body has put up.

"I'm- I'm, I can't... Harry I can't" your clawing at him almost trying to get under his skin, someplace you might be able to understand everything that's going through his mind.

He wiggles around a little before laying you both down as he keeps reassuring and encouraging you. He drags you on top of him your face now pressed up against the juncture of his neck. Your left-hand makes its way into his hair, pulling at it as softly as you can manage. Harry's hands run up and down your back, your arms, and your neck and he even pets your hair delicately. He's always known how to best calm you down... how to bring you back down to earth and out of the panic attacks you sometimes get when you're overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" he repeats that over and over with a pained desperation. Harry's scared shitless too. He doesn't know how things will go with your relationship. He can't guarantee that you won't end up actually wanting a divorce one day... But he can love you. He has and will keep loving you. He hopes it'll be enough to save your marriage. He'll work incredibly hard every single day to prove his love for you... if you let him back in he won't ever let you go. He'll leave it all up to you. Your little family is all he needs, he'll spend the rest of his life proving that to you if that's what it takes.

[moki-dokie]

there's been a bit of a Hot Topic going around bsky (and twt too i guess) about why my age group (particularly in the US) doesn't cook at home much anymore

and there's been a whole lot of takes ranging from dogshit to good and intelligent to total confusion from folks in other countries. neat stuff right. decided to throw my 2 cents in from my own perspective as part of the demographic.

the tldr of it being: there are *several* factors that make it not worth it nor cost efficient anymore where it once was. obviously that isn't gonna be the case for everyone, but it is the case for an overwhelming majority, me included. and this isn't even including, you know, a whole population of disabled people who are physically unable to cook for themselves but I sort of figured that was a given. but maybe not, considering...

then this absolute genius comes in

thank you buddy for having no reading comprehension and missing quite literally every single point i made that it isn't strictly about the dollar amount of the meal itself. like. okay??? good for you i guess.

sure, there will be some meals where that is very true. I could make a bigass pot of ham and beans that'll last me a whole week for about $10. hence why i added there will always be some meals cheaper to make at home. but that completely disregards every. other. point.

it is not, and has never been, about the direct cost of the meal itself. that's just one of a handful of reasons that factor into the whole conversation. there are going to be times that eating out will be more expensive price-wise, but when it checks off like 5 different boxes i couldn't fulfill myself for whatever reason, that price balances out. and we really are in an age where we're having to negotiate the worth of every action we take and every minute we spend on something. i don't know why thats such a hard concept for people to grasp.

legit nobody is arguing it *should* be this way. it shouldn't. we all recognize this. in the ideal world it would be both worth it and affordable to make every meal at home and leave eating out for special occasions, as was the case when i was growing up. and i totally get it that our parents, many of whom raised us by their lonesome, managed to do it fine so in theory we should be able to as well. sometimes, yeah, it really is a matter of sucking it up and doing it no matter how exhausted you might be. that's true for all facets of life tbh. but it shouldn't be that way all the time every time.

and, i don't know about the rest of you, but for us? it really was a whole fucking To Do to clip coupons and plan Shopping Day. I'd spend a couple hours clipping from a few different newspapers and the mail fliers we collected. then we organized them by store. then mom would plan out which stores we would go to for which items,the route we'd take since sometimes it meant going outside of town, the timeframe for everything since it was typically an all-day event. like, a whole day of planning and a whole day of executing JUST to grocery shop, and that was back in the 90s/00s. Inconvenient, yes, but still actually worth the trouble. couponing saved SO much money back then, especially if you knew the stores that would double them. coupons like those don't exist anymore. period. now the ones that do are like, pennies off or bogo deals and otherwise it's app this and app that for any sort of savings - which even then might only be like a meager 10% off the purchase. in no way is it worth my time and effort today to do the same thing we did when i was young.

anyway. so yeah. for a hell of a lot of us, sometimes going out to eat or ordering in is in fact the most worthwhile way, and sometimes even the most cost efficient way, to feed ourselves anymore.

[atalana]

so i finally got the chance to read the book of bill! and man those journal 3 pages, i could write a million essays on those, but the principle one that i can't get out my head is the new insight on ford's whole fucked up paradigm of what love is

like, neither of the stan twins really know how to experience unconditional love, because they never really had it. their dad was constantly comparing the two of them and really just stamping down stanley's self worth at any given moment. and even for ford who was praised, he's not an idiot, he saw how stan got treated all the time, and their dad was very explicit as to why. ford's praise and attention hinged on him being the family genius who could make them all a lot of money, and he knew very well if he failed to live up to that, he would also lose his father's love

and you see this in stan in his desperate need for everyone to like him, but also how he doesn't really believe anyone ever truly could love him, so whenever he gets the chance with anyone he clings onto that relationship as tight as he can, terrified it's going to disappear at any second

ford, meanwhile. the more direct threat to him was the bullies and the people that made him feel lesser for being abnormal. and no kid likes feeling like that, we know it's a spike buried deep in his psyche, which gave him a reason for the dichotomy he ends up forming.

when he was a kid, people tended to fall into two categories - those who were really impressed with him and his potential, and those who saw him as a freak and wanted to drag him down for it. the love he got and the hate he got are directly related to both.

and as a result ford is constantly looking for people who will give him intellectual gratification (what he thinks love is), and he categorises everyone else as "unimportant obstacles in my way" (because that's how he thinks about those bullies, so their words won't hurt anymore)

stanley was the first category, until he sharply became the second

and splitting the world into those two categories makes him an absolutely horrible person! like, one hand yeah, you do have sympathy for ford bc that is straight up torture bill put him through and no one should have to experience it (and i do wanna make clear this is not a ford hate post, he does have good qualities im just interested in the bad rn)

on the other hand though, god, i'm always struck by just how hateful he is towards so many unimportant things (just one of many examples, christmas songs are fake and stupid bc rudolph didn't burn santa's workshop to the ground as revenge for ostracizing him like jesus christ dude)

or the bit where he sees one of stan's shitty product ads and considers calling him and pretending to be a cop just to scare him, because in ford's mind that's a punishment he deserves for daring to look so stupid while sharing ford's face

and it just drills in how much ford is not willing to see stan's side of this in any way, because what do you think would happen if you went through with that plan? don't you know stan's already scared enough? you saw him get kicked out, you saw the ultimatum that came with it, and hell thanks to the book of bill we know you were also scared to go home until you had something to show for it. he's trying his best, and you understood that once. but then stan throws your journal back in your face and you yell that you're giving him the chance to do the first worthwhile thing in his life.

everything he did to try and make something of himself, to try and prove himself worthy of literally any love at all, you didn't care about that. now he's in a position to help you, so of course he should just drop everything and obey your orders to the letter without question. that's the only way to redeem himself for getting in your way, why won't he take it?

by the time bill shows up ford felt fully justified in going "this isn't about me, and therefore it's stupid and unimportant and should be destroyed". and i know exactly why, it's because again you think intellectual gratification and love are the same thing and you're running low on both right now so you're trying to make up the difference by affirming how right you are in your goddamn diary, but right does not make you good or kind or wise

and that makes it kind of a self fulfilling prophecy, because loving you is hard, and the one person genuinely willing to do so unconditionally you're keeping at a very aggressive arms length. but you fall for bill so easily, because he understands how important you are, which must be love, and all of these other people worried about you just aren't smart enough to get it

and not even realising bill's lies could cure him of that one. hell, 30 years spent dimension hopping didn't cure it. when ford gets back he is still just as self righteous, and still willing to categorise dipper as "will give me intellectual gratification" and the rest of them as intrinsically less valuable

which is why dipper can't take the deal ford offered him. if he had, he would have turned out exactly like ford, stuck in his own echo chamber unable to tell the difference between love and praise

mabel says at one point in the comics that the reason the two grunkles are bad at looking after kids is because they still are kids, and that's a really accurate insight. that old wound cut so deep neither of them had the chance to actually move past their childhood, and discover what it was they were missing

stan never stopped wanting his brother back, but ford didn't realise that was what he needed too, until he saw mabel and dipper working as a team against bill. he's acknowledged his mistake in trusting bill before now, but "we used to be like that" is his first time acknowledging that his whole approach to people is wrong.

you've always had one source of unconditional love. you didn't need to be better than him to be worthy of it. and now you've got an entire new family, hopefully you'll realise that can come from multiple fronts

(and it's okay stan shall have his revenge for how you treated him by commiting just. so much tax fraud in your name)

[cocogum]

There is no safe place for mortals in the krosmoz.

Why being born a twelvian is already a death sentence.

I once came across a post of @phosphorus-12 talking with vinillain about a topic I incredibly became focused on.

The post where they were talking about Yugo never seeing his friends again.

I read their conversation three times, and each time I reread it, it became increasingly clear that Yugo’s situation is not worth being deemed worthwhile or even incredible.

Yugo's experience of death differs from that of his friends. Even the deaths of Dally, who is an ex-god, were considered normal in comparison.

We all know by now that Yugo has a death cycle.

No matter how many times Yugo dies and comes back to life, it will undoubtedly be a painful experience to see. Repeatedly facing death and returning to a life where he no longer remembers his friends can be a distressing ordeal. His recurring history of losing people and then losing the memory of them may stem from his purpose and role as one of the primordial eliatropes. Born to serve his people as a protector, Yugo’s original goal was clear, but now that he has experienced something new outside of his original home, the endless cycle feels futile, especially because he found something unrelated to his people that he grew to love.

If for whatever reason he gets told about his past life by someone who's been there, chances are, Yugo will literally say: "Well that's not me anymore, that was one of my past lives. I don't remember doing all of that with them." He'd respond so nonchalantly.

And the worst part about this is that WE KNOW HE WILL SAY IT LIKE THAT.

We've seen his and Adamaï's reactions when they went to Mount Zinit in the Wakfu manga (between season 2 and the ovas) and learned about their people and SAW THEIR OLD ROOM AND SHIP.

Upon seeing what was left of their past, Yugo and Adamaï do not express any bitterness or distress in the slightest.

This reaction confused me and slightly weirded me out because I expected them to have a more negative response, considering the life-altering nature of the event and the fact that they are now in a different world. Typically, one would expect some level of negative emotion upon returning to one of their gravesites, even if they don't remember their most recent past life.

Not only that, but Yugo even talks about his old reincarnation as if he were another person. When he saw the recorded message his past self tried sending to Adamaï, Yugo just addressed himself as "he" and not "I."

Even in this last panel, he had trouble considering and saying out loud that "that man" was him. Look at how his first instinct was to say "he" and not "I." It was only after a quick correction that he finally gave up and spoke with the knowledge that the man was indeed him.

Another thing I should mention about the manga is that @kerubimcrepin talked about volume 4 in this post and mentioned Yugo and Adamaï's cycle by comparing it to Joris. The line that especially hit me was this one, and I quote: "It's especially horrifying and off-putting because of how casual Adamaï and Yugo are about death and forgetting. Joris has always valued memories — they may as well be all he has of some of the people he loves, at this point. It's the reason he gifted them his fishing rod — in a way, it is a memory of Khan."

If he and Adamaï can respond with such nonchalant attitudes about the challenging and tragic events of their past lives, supported by visual evidence, then there's a possibility that he will also react with indifference in his next life to the news that he once had amazing friends in his old life.

So again, their reactions to seeing Mount Zinit and their old ship are incredibly eery and disheartening.

By the way I incredibly urge you to read what @kerubimcrepin said about volume 4 in the post I shared above, they absolutely killed it.

We know cameras exist in the World of Twelve thanks to Season 2. The Brotherhood of the Tofu went to an island to help an ecaflip rescue his fiance. At the end of it, and during the mission, we saw the male ecaflip using photographs in his flashbacks to explain what happened to him.

So if photographs and cameras exist in the World of Twelve, the least Yugo could do is capture his memories in pictures. His boufbowl matches back in the day are already engraved in history, but his memories with his friends had to have been kept in a photo book as well.

Despite not seeing Yugo capture any moments, I can heartedly believe that he'd be the type to capture those moments to keep them to himself secretly.

I headcanon that he keeps those photos in a safe box and stares at them when he's all alone.

To be aware that your life's experiences with other people means nothing to your cycle because you're going to forget about it all in the long run anyway is tragic and trauma inducing. Yugo will have to keep on living and living and living until there's no meaning behind living anymore. Life and death will have no meaning and no concept. Even if he can't remember his past lives like Qilby and Shinonome, he could someday be left wondering why he's even here anymore if all he's done is keep repeating the same life and death cycle for millennials.

I genuinely wonder if Amalia ever thought about Yugo's case at all. She's his wife now, so I'm curious to know if she thinks she's unintentionally giving him more burden on his shoulders or doesn't like to think about it, so she shuts her feelings away. The closest thing we've come to seeing her talk or even hearing about it out loud (despite already knowing it) was when she overheard Yugo talk to fake Ruel, aka Sipho, in the Enutrof level of Oropo's tower.

Yumalia has always been doomed from the start and I still don't know if it was worth it or not lol

But regardless, the reason why I even brought Yugo's immortal case into this is because despite having a very cursed cycle, there is at least one thing that his primordial status gets him saved from: being a mortal. At least a twelvian mortal anyway.

Back then, I initially assumed that if you were a mortal in the World of Twelve and died, you'd only go to a realm called Incarnam.

For those who don't know, Incarnam is a floating island that's located on the back of a giant stoned dragon. It's cut off from the rest of the world, but we can catch a glimpse of it at the beginning of Season 4 when we zoom in on the Brotherhood of the Tofu in the Inglorium.

Like the name Incarnam suggests, you reincarnate again and let the cycle of reincarnation run its course. Even if you die again, you'll still go back to Incarnam and repeat the process. You'll become someone else entirely and will have another different life. You won't be yourself anymore but your soul will be the same.

This process is actually a much more graceful way to tackle the cycle of reincarnation, unlike Yugo and his siblings' where they stay the same and act the same and look the same in every cycle.

But Incarnam has a catch to it. And my god, it's so dark.

If you were to ask me what the scariest thing about the krosmoz is, it would be the fact that mortals not only have a shorter life span than demigods, but their souls eventually cease to exist.

And by that, I mean the mortal souls literally expire...

The place where expired souls have completed their entire repetitional cycle go to is called Externam.

Unlike Incarnam, you can never leave from Externam.

Externam is the realm of the dead.

According to Externam's wiki, this is where souls who have completed their cycle of reincarnation are expelled from the krosmoz. There is a portal connecting the World of Twelve to Externam, and it is located in Frigost at Ilyzaelle's Belvedere, under the guard of the latter, who ensures that the souls found there do not escape.

Externam also happens to have a special section created to the side called "The Hall of the Brave" which is a place meant for the most rewarding heroes of the World of Twelve.

This dimension is led by the queen and creator named Thanatena. (who, by the way, is a direct child of the Great Dragon, which makes her and the council of twelve half siblings)

The left picture is her younger self, and the right picture is when she's older.

I can't imagine having your soul stacked away forever after you run out of chances and being kept there by some immortal whose job is ensuring you don't leave.

So what can you do to prevent this?

The solution? Become immortal.

If there's one thing that you DO NOT want to be in the krosmoz, is being a mortal. Despite having an afterlife where your soul gets to be kept in Incarnam for quite some time, it will eventually be in a state we never want to be in if you're not an adventurer: its expiration date.

I say it like this because if you were an adventurer, your soul would stay in "The Hall of the Brave," but who's to say it'll feel better than what Externam has in store for general mortals?

So when you think about it, when the time comes for the Brotherhood of the Tofu to die, they will all leave each other.

Dally, Eva, Amalia, and Ruel are all heroes at heart, based on everything we've seen them do, so they'll be put in the "Hall of the Brave" and tucked away forever.

Meanwhile, Yugo will die, get reborn, and forget absolutely everything that he came to love about this world and how he got to meet his very first friends, went on many different adventures with them, fought off demigods and other powerful foes, saved the world and risked it a couple of times, got married, and ruled a kingdom together with his wife.

He'll never remember them all, and when one of the very few people from his past life who could still be alive tells him of his past self, Yugo will shrug it off and wish the person luck.

THAT is exactly why Yugo would be doomed living among mortals and why Grougaloragran didn't just keep him at Oma Island. He knew how much Yugo had a big heart and would easily be capable of caring for mortals, who, again, have a very shitty life span and afterlife.

So, not only are Yugo's relationships lost causes, but the general system of life and death for mortals is terrifying.

This is why vinillain's response in the post I shared above hurt so much. Because Yugo is aware that he will react like this, he will respond indifferently in his next life if he ever finds out about his friends. It's already too late for him to distance himself from them.

[himbosuplex]

Mais, talk about! (Gambit/Rogue/Magneto)

Mais, talk about! [X-Men '97 (Gambit/Rogue/Magneto)]

Premise:

Remy LeBeau stands outside Magneto's room, unable to forget an impromptu kiss earlier that day and wanting to finally put an end to the uncertainty that lingers between he and Rogue.

But the answer isn't quite as simple as he thought...

[Link to the fic on AO3]

Notes:

Posting this at near 3am before X-Men '97 inevitably kicks over my sandcastle and declares it wrong in every way.

Please take the references to off-screen events with patience, as this is but a portion of a much longer fic I'd like to write but simply just don't have the energy to at the moment, so the most you get of prior events is a spicy comic I made recently. I wanted to, at the very least, float the idea of "Romyneto" to more people, as surprisingly few folk have considered that maybe you don't need to fracture a love triangle... Maybe you just need to make it into a heart.

Hashtag let Rogue have both the spicy chaos bisexual AND Sexy Grandpa... she's been through enough and deserves it.

Also a final author's note: I'm from Texas, not Louisiana, so pardon my clumsy use of Cajun French. I did an embarrassing amount of research for this short of a fic, but hopefully it'll pay off in the future. Anyway, keep reading for the actual fic!

-----

Remy stood outside the door to Magneto’s room, resting his forehead on the rich stained wood. He had been mustering up the courage for close to ten minutes to knock. The only thing propelling him forward was the fear of being seen loitering.

All he intended was to check if Magneto was awake and willing to talk. It was the early hours of the morning, but who the hell had a normal sleep schedule anymore? He briefly considered waiting for Rogue to return, which would likely be the wiser choice. However, Remy wasn’t always known for making the most prudent decisions, especially after a drink or two to calm his nerves. Waiting for Rogue wouldn’t alleviate the intense anxiety he felt at that moment.

After all, he was dealing with someone who was intellectually superior and more powerful in every aspect. Magneto was someone who seemed to excel effortlessly at everything, akin to a character from one of Jubilee’s video games. Moreover, Magneto could actually touch the woman Remy loved. Perhaps it would be easier to just give in or give up. It wasn’t that Remy opposed being in an unconventional relationship with Rogue, or even being intimate with another man. It was simply the fact that it had to be him—a person who felt threatening on multiple levels and made him feel inadequate whenever he was around.

Clenching his fist, he rapped on the door before he could chicken out and leave. He had never been this gêné, this easily embarrassed. It frustrated him to feel this way and it frustrated him that of all aspects of his life that he could feel insecure about, it was this. He always had so much confidence with Rogue because he did truly think any physical hurt he experienced was entirely worthwhile. Now he wasn’t even sure if she felt the same about him anymore.

Maybe he should just wait and talk to her like an adult, like Jubilee said. As much as he hated being called out by a teenager, he did have to begrudgingly admit she was right. No one answered the door, so he assumed that some people did indeed have a normal sleep schedule. Or at least, he hoped so. Turning to leave, he managed only a few steps before the doorknob clicked, and the door slowly opened.

Qu’el tonnerre m’écrase.

He leaned towards the partially open door, peering into the dark room. There was nothing. Could it have opened by itself? He knew the chances were slim, but he held onto hope. As he moved to leave, some invisible force pulled him back towards the door. Merde. It seemed better to comply than to be dragged in like a child. Gingerly pushing the door open with his index finger, he entered the dark room.

“So you awake, eh?” he said as casually as he could manage, adjusting to the dimness. The door clicked shut behind him, and the curtains parted slightly, allowing a sliver of moonlight to illuminate the room better. “You gonna talk or just gimme frissons?”

“Do you make a habit of waking people up at three in the morning?” Magneto’s voice carried an edge of irritation as he gestured for Remy to take a seat on the edge of the bed. Sitting upright, his hair tousled from sleep, and his chest bare, Magneto exuded a commanding presence even in the dim moonlight filtering through the room. The sheets draped luxuriously around him hinted at more than just his bare chest, drawing Remy’s attention despite himself. While his usual skintight uniform left little to the imagination, Magneto’s well-sculpted physique was even more striking when unclothed.

“Non.” Remy took the indicated seat, unable to suppress a smirk. “Only when Gambit feeling particularly vindictive.”

Annoyance briefly flashed across Magneto’s face before he regained his usual icy composure, his features settling into a mask of stoicism. “Did you intend to discuss anything or were you just being ‘vindictive?’” His cold eyes bore into Remy, reflecting the moonlight with an almost ethereal glow.

Remy felt the urge to respond with his usual charm and sarcasm, but he knew better than to try such tactics with Magneto. He was just as immune to this as he was to Rogue’s abilities. Nor did such banter seem conducive to actually hashing out anything going on between them. Clearing his throat nervously, Remy ran his fingers through his hair, searching for the right words to broach the subject weighing on his mind.

“Why Magneto go and kiss Gambit, huh?” Remy’s question hung in the air, heavy with tension.

“I’ll acquiesce, but first I wish for you to answer my question.” Magneto’s sneer was evident even in the dim light.

“What dat, den?”

Magneto’s piercing gaze filled him with unease. “Why did Gambit kiss Magneto back?”

Remy felt a weight press down on his chest, as if the air had been sucked out of the room. He should have anticipated this question, especially after bringing up the kiss from earlier that day, but he still wasn’t prepared for it. The shame of his desperation hadn’t abated at all since it had happened. An overwhelming urge to flee flooded his mind, urging him to make a dash for the door in the hopes it would yield. Excuses and cop-outs ping-ponged across his mind, and he was ready to try anything to avoid answering the question.

“Ah,” Remy began, shaking his head. “Maybe we gon wait til Rogue gets back, yeah?” He attempted to shrug off the weight of the conversation, rising to his feet in an attempt to retreat to the safety of his own room. But once again, he was met with resistance, pulled back with enough force that he stumbled and flopped onto his back, legs still dangling over the edge of the mattress.

“Do you require a reminder?” Magneto’s voice was low and commanding as he leaned in closer, silver hair falling around his face. At such close proximity, his intense eyes were mesmerizing, and Remy could feel the warmth of Magneto’s breath against his skin. “You never gave the impression of someone who would flee so easily.”

Remy wanted to respond with one of his usual comebacks or snide remarks, but his brain failed him. Clutching the bedsheets tightly, he attempted to quell his frayed nerves. The offer of warm lips was tantalizing, his loneliness making him feel touch-starved and desperate. From such close proximity, he could better appreciate just how attractive Magneto truly was. With sky blue eyes framed by strong brows and accentuated by thick, dark eyelashes, Magneto’s features exuded a captivating allure. Rather than detracting from his sharp features, the creases and wrinkles around his eyes and mouth seemed to enhance them, giving him a distinguished air. It was the kind of face that anyone, regardless of preference, could acknowledge as objectively handsome.

Clearing his throat, Remy shifted uneasily. “Man gets tres lonely sometimes, yeah.”

“This is true, yes. Therein lies your answer.”

Once more their lips touched, this time without Remy giving any pretense of resistance. Heat surged through his body, his fingers digging into the bedsheets as he held on tighter. Initially, he had attributed his resentment of their first kiss to the realization there was merit to Rogue’s attraction. But now, he knew the reason was far more primal: he wanted to be kissed again.

There was a comforting strength in the way Magneto kissed him. While Rogue possessed raw physical power, their rare moments of physical contact held a delicate yearning—a desire to be held and protected in ways her power denied her. But with Magneto, it was different. His unwavering confidence manifested even in moments of intimate affection, a man who was more than capable of taking what he desired. As their lips parted, Remy couldn’t help but feel vulnerable and consumed by a deep longing.

“You say dat the answer, but it don’t make sense, no.” Remy pushed himself back up, turning around so that the two of them sat face to face. “Mais la, why would you ever be lonely?” The tone of his voice implied what he left unsaid: ‘You have Rogue.’

“It is not mine I speak of.” Magneto extended his hand, reaching towards Remy’s arm. The movement caused the sheets around his waist to slip downward, revealing the bare skin of his hip. Only the bed linens separated his unclothed body from the cool air. The moonlight played off the contours of his body, accentuating every curve and muscle.

Remy hesitated, his mind racing with thoughts of how Rogue might react to the situation. It was evident that she and Magneto had been spending considerable time together, reigniting whatever bond they shared in the past. However, he couldn’t assume that their relationship had progressed to the extent his insecurity insisted. Would he truly be any better if he acted behind her back? He couldn’t deny the attraction he felt towards Magneto, nor could he ignore the tantalizing prospect of exploring a relationship unburdened by the complexities of their current love triangle. And yet, he couldn’t shake the guilt that gnawed at him, the fear of betraying Rogue’s trust and the uncertainty of how she would react when she found out.

As he looked into Magneto’s piercing blue eyes, he saw a depth of understanding that promised something more than just physical intimacy. It was a proposition of mutual respect, a chance to be seen and valued in a way that most around him failed to do. Despite the taunts and deliberate attempts to antagonize, he got the distinct impression that Magneto thought more highly of him than it seemed at face value.

Perhaps it wasn’t about choosing between having Rogue for himself or letting her be with someone else - but about embracing the complexity of all their desires. Though their exchanges were often fraught with confrontation, there were moments when Remy caught glimpse of a softer side to Magneto. It was in the way Magneto’s gaze lingered longer than necessary, the soft way he looked at Rogue, and the subtle hints of approval that slipped through his stoic facade.

“Gambit don’t know…”

“You came here tonight to talk, so let us talk.” Magneto interrupted, his tone firm but not unkind. He continued to offer his extended hand, and after a moment’s hesitation, Remy accepted, allowing himself to be pulled down beside Magneto into a supine position.

“When we talk before, you said… you could help Gambit make tings work.” Remy continued, his fingers fidgeting nervously as he played with the hem of his crop top. “How you gonna help if Rogue already choose you? How I gon’ compete wit Magneto of all people?”

“As I explained before, I have no interest in competition - nor do I wish to force Rogue to make a choice. Given that you are here, I presume you considered my words.” Magneto’s gaze was steady and unwavering.

“Been considered, yeah. But dat don’t make ‘em easier to reconcile, no.”

Magneto ran a coarse hand up Remy’s stomach and under his shirt, eliciting a sharp inhalation from Remy in response. Despite their similar size and stature—identical in height and nearly in weight—Magneto exuded an aura of all-encompassing dominance and strength. Every movement carried with it a sense of purpose and intentionality, from the firm grip of his fingers to the deliberate pressure applied when touching intimately. It was enough to convey a degree of authority and dominance, without crossing the threshold into discomfort.

“I am disinterested in forcing you to do anything you do not wish to participate in,” Magneto spoke, his voice low and measured. “No matter what you may have assumed, Rogue does care about you deeply. It is evident that we both share affection for her.”

With a subtle shift of his hand, Magneto gripped Remy’s waist firmly, pulling their bodies together. “Facilitating the two of you to touch without the barrier of her power would be effortless for me, a mere afterthought. However, I have no desire to be but a third wheel or to ‘share’ that which cannot and should not be treated like a belonging to be passed around.”

Remy’s body trembled with a mixture of excitement and apprehension, his mind racing as he tried to process the implications of Magneto’s words. He wished he had chosen to wear something less revealing than gray sweatpants for this visit, something that didn’t tent so easily under the pressure of Magneto’s touch.

“Do you accede?” Magneto’s voice cut through Remy’s thoughts, drawing him back to the present moment.

“Got me too much an envie to fuss. Maybe Magneto make a good cher, yeah?”

“I will interpret that as a yes.” Magneto spoke with a hint of amusement.

“Mais talk about! Got a lot to learn you if you gonna be with Gambit!”

“Very true,” Magneto conceded, wrapping his arms around Remy and pulling him close. “Apropos of nothing, you may call me Erik. In private, at least.”

“I like dat, me,” Remy murmured, nuzzling his face into Erik’s strong chest. He looked forward to when Rogue would return from her trip and couldn’t help but anticipate the surprise that awaited her.

With a contented sigh, he closed his eyes, allowing himself to bask in the warmth of their shared moment. For the first time in a long while, he felt a glimmer of hope that he could find happiness in this unconventional arrangement. Remy found himself drifting off to sleep, lulled by the steady rhythm of Erik’s heartbeat beneath his ear. As he succumbed to the embrace of slumber, he couldn’t help but feel grateful for the unexpected turn of events that had brought him here.

[dogboysora]

A trivial thing, I know, but one of the things bumming me out right now is I don't even get to hate on Kamala Harris. I've had many problems with her for a long time, but I've mostly held my tongue on those criticisms because we needed her to win. Because I thought the time to criticize her would be when she was president. I was really, genuinely looking forward to the conversations and debates I would get to have during her presidency. To showing up for protests and all of that. Which of course I'll still be doing, but the difference is that with Kamala as president, that work would actually feel like it was in service of *progress*. But now. I mean. I'll show up same as I have been and same as I was going to, but a second Trump term means desperately scrambling to try to keep things from getting *worse*.

I really don't wanna act like everything's rosy and perfect and wonderful under a Democrat president. It's not. The status quo of this country is horrific and cruel. But it's still a hell of a lot better than constantly dealing with counteracting the far right.

So yeah, it doesn't feel worthwhile to me anymore—at least for the time being—to talk about my problems with Kamala. And that's disappointing because I wanted to be able to have those conversations and have them actually be productive and relevant. But instead we're being forced to give the orange man attention (and probably moreso JD Vance soon, considering the orange fuck could drop dead any day).

[synapticjive]

"Mask Off" Initial Thoughts

Okay, after marinating on all of this...

For context, I'm playing as a ruthless evil Durge, and it made sense in my RP to ascend Astarion. At some point well into Act 2, I was unable to persuade Astarion out of ascending. His choice to ascend locked in fairly early for me. Every time I challenged him, it defaulted to him making excuses and insisting that ascending was worthwhile, that I was worrying for nothing. He's naturally eager that I'm Bhaalspawn, and the "don't let him" dialogue felt very out-of-place considering how cold and detached we were becoming (don't ask me why, I'm still wrapping my head around this.)

The ascension was a welcomed change of pace, as was Durge's baptism. But regarding the mask...

Spawn Astarion does clearly read as someone who is deeply wounded and using performance/charm/sexuality as a way to manipulate others- for vengeance, for control, for power, for safety, and eventually with Tav/Durge, for intimacy. I do think he's always had a bloodlust and intense hatred for others that a) cross him and b) that he perceives as lesser than him- this is especially true if you think that his history as a magistrate and slaver (controversial) is canon. His past mistakes and/or problematic viewpoints are no way a justification for his experience of sexual abuse and trafficking, it just intensifies and complicates his recovery and relationship building. It explains why he uses Tav/Durge, but then when his sudden feelings are reciprocated, he can't let go.

I've had limited access to clips of spawn Astarion throughout Act 3, and I have no idea how he reacts to Tav/Durge. I saw some epilogue clips, just barely, and I can't conceive of how we even get to that point, considering how much pain he's in, how much ground we'd need to cover in getting him to that place of near acceptance and peace(-ish). I guess a lot goes down in those 6 months, huh?

I always thought A!A (granted, I love him, I love dark romances and awful villains) was just all of his growth locked in time and space, just completely coming to a grinding halt. I don't think that his progress with Tav/Durge is undone (if that was the case, he wouldn't love you anymore or even understand the purpose of you in his life). He's just raw in his anger, vitriol, using his power(s) to protect him from all of the pain and fear that he experienced. Power, wealth, and violence are what protect him now, not Tav/Durge. He doesn't "need" you, but he still wants to "own" you because he... loves you, sort-of. You're under his skin, and he can't let go, I think. Or maybe he still wants something from you, maybe subjugating you somehow amplifies his power fantasy, especially with someone he seems to control and can tolerate ("you're degrading yourself/he can do that.")

He's always had a power fantasy, he's always loved dom/sub dynamics (hinted at in the game,) and so far, as evil Durge, he's been treating my character well (she also doesn't want to leave, not yet anyway.)

I'm still waiting to finish this first playthrough before I have more conclusive thoughts. Preliminary: he's not masking his anger/his dark triad (lol) as AA, whereas he was desperately trying to as a spawn. He doesn't give a single fuck about how people feel about it once he ascends, it's just him and you and everyone beneath you both as far as he's concerned.

Sorry, lots of thoughts, y'all. I need to play an origin run & a spawn Astarion romance to get the full picture.

[will80sbyers]

Brett unapologetically believes what he believes. This makes criticizing him less worthwhile to people, cuz if it doesn't affect him, then what's the point?

With Noah, it's clear he's a lot more apologetic about what he believes. We've seen how quickly he backtracks and it's cuz his beliefs were never that strong in the first place. He's a total sponge. He's not confident about his beliefs whatsoever in the same way Brett is because his beliefs largely stem from the beliefs his loved ones have, who he trusts to have good beliefs. This makes tearing him down a lot more entertaining to people that love a good downfall.

I remember after 10/7, there were a few days where Noah did not say anything. So many people were waiting for the ball to drop. I was curious how his Israeli friends were reacting, and low and behold they both had instagram stories that were very obviously directed at him, crying and saying how they were disappointed that someone who they thought cared about them, who has millions of followers, hadn't said anything. And predictably, the next day he started being vocal about it.

And now we just saw how quickly he took down his copypasta after filming started. Im guessing all it took was a few days filming on set among the cast, away from his family and inner circle, for them to talk some sense into him, because he. is. a. sponge!!

It's crazy to think how much appeasing the people around him has probably played a big role in this. And how him now backtracking is only going to make them hate him now too, all the while not even getting the people that hate him already to even consider forgiving him anyways.

I agree with you I think he's VERY easy to suggestion from other people and that's what brought him to say certain things, I feel like propaganda does work and people just undermine that or like to talk about it theoretically but then when they see someone that actually did fall for it or that feels pressured to do things and is clearly influenced they don't take it into consideration and start jumping to the worst possible conclusion that they are heartless monsters etc even when they didn't idk commit direct crimes themselves because of it

I also feel like ignoring that there are LOTS of people that take the meaning of Zionism with a complete different meaning than what we take it as (because of what it is doing in the practical way of expressing that philosophy) is being disingenuous

In the same way that people saying that "from the river to the sea" means that you're saying that you want Jewish people dead is disingenuous

There are two different meanings that people have and not all of them mean that in the sense that they want to kill or keep opressing the other side EVEN if that is born from that, you know people don't mean it in that way, especially people that are not even living in those places themselves, like if you know that - you have to explain to them why that name to you has the same connotation as for example "fascist"

If you think about it, the words fascist and other similar words of political movements are not born with the people giving them inherent negative meaning but that meaning got attached there because of what they did as a movement, which is the same thing that happens with Zionism, but people that are born inside that culture where you get told that that word has a different meaning OBVIOUSLY are not going to tell you that they agree with the negative meaning unless they have been freed from propaganda and can actually see that there can be no distinction anymore because of what they have done... But again we're talking about deprogramming someone, it is just not easy to do!

They will refute that idea because it's a complete shift of the belief system you had since your were born... It's obvious to me that you can't just throw them in a box of "evil" just because they fight to make peace with that idea or refuse it

And online there's a jump from rightly asking for clarification or an apology with accountability when necessary to literally wanting that person dead or in complete misery immediately and never forgiving them or at least letting them live their own life without abuse and harassment

No matter what they actually did or didn't do, like a serial killer is put on the same plane of someone that says a fucked up thing and to me that's kind of insane... I feel like we lost measure (?) idk how to explain this in a better way I just have started feeling like it's all too much online it wouldn't be how you help people to change in the actual real world

And to be clear I'm not against people being called out and having to demonstrate that they did change, (I'm not even a "non violent" person... when needed. Like, I would punch a nazist if I needed to for example) but I feel like now the type of harassment is extreme no matter the "crime"

and instead of it being about helping our world to get better it has become about piling on to pile on and have the most liked post at the same time and these people don't care at all if that person changes or not, they are in the "evil" list now and there they must stay

[pomefioredove]

Heyyyy if you are still open to some more matchups can I request a romantic one? You can pick anyone Students, Staff, or RSA/Noble Bell college people, i don't care either way. I really just want to know who you think fits me personality-wise best lol. 

Ok, so I guess I’ll tell you my appearance first, I’m 169cm so like 5’6, I’ve got very very curly reddish brown hair, and blue eyes that look purple to gray depending on the light. I have a lot of tattoos. Started with a stick and poke piece when I was 13 and have kept getting them even years later. I joke that instead of a sleeve I have a pair of pants, both my legs are covered in tattoos, one side black and the other color. People always tell me I'm incredibly easy to spot in a crowd. Pronouns are She/Her and my voice is kind of low and monotone maybe a bit husky.

As for hobbies... I love Boxing and MMA, I’ve been doing it competitively for a few years so I can comfortably say I can kick most people's ass. food is a bit of a love language for me so I cook pretty often and try a lot of different cuisines (current fav is Georgian, you have to try Khachapuri it's soooo good). I used to sing and play the drums though it's been a while so I'm probably not too great anymore. You know how some people listen to music for the lyrics while other people listen for the beat? I definitely listen more for the sound, I don't care what the song is about just how the sounds flow together... which is why I mostly listen to music in foreign languages, don't need to understand to lyrics to enjoy the beat.

My interests are mostly low key I like to study languages but I don't really try to become fluent just conversational i guess. I'm more inclined to learn about the aspects of a language than the grammar and stuff. Reading horror and what I like to call weird fiction. I love finding books that are a little odd the best example of this that I can think of is "House of Leaves" by Mark Z. Danielewsk. I really like weird things, normal things that have been a little twisted and made up in new ways if you get what I mean.

As for my personality... ugh I think I'm probably an acquired taste... it sounds bad but like I'm a really difficult person to get close to. I just don't trust easily and I'm not someone who entertains too much small talk without reason. An example is the fact I've known people for five+ years and still don't really consider them friends. Sure we hang out but like they don't know me and I don't know them. I'm just kind of prickly, with a major resting bitch face too. Though to make up for this I'm incredibly loyal. Once we've actually become friends there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. If they need help hiding a body I'm not gonna ask questions just gonna bring a shovel, take out for two, and tickets out of the country.

Oh and a current project of mine is to reverse-engineer a printer so that i can stick it to shitty corporations who think its reasonable to make you pay a subscription to use a printer that I ALREADY PAID FOR!! That last bit was mostly because i need to print out an essay of mine and I had to dust of the printer i haven't used in forever only to be met with a error message saying i had to pay my subscription to use the thing ugghh. So now i need to actually learn how to a soldering gun.

Sorry if my ramblings don't make much sense, I really don't think about myself too much so trying to describe myself was like insanely hard. Thank you!!!!!!!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

I match you with 𝐑𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐢𝐞 𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐡𝐢

The First Impression:

Okay. His honest, true, first thought? You smell good. You smell like spices and warmth, so much so that he forgets what he's doing to turn in your direction.

Why He Fell:

"Prickly" and "hard to get close to" aren't terms in Ruggie's dictionary. He would crawl into a sewer if he thought he'd get something worthwhile out of it, and, hey- to him, you're pretty worthwhile!

He may or may not trail behind you like a lost puppy for a little while, at least until you take pity on him and give the poor thing a good meal. But, like with most stray animals, feeding him only brings him back.

Over time (and a few meals), Ruggie starts to bond with you on a more personal level. He'll ask about each of your tattoos, let you ramble to him about whatever it is you're working on, and take little notes on how sharp and crafty you are in the meantime.

The Relationship:

Ruggie has absolutely no shame. Will gladly eat every single thing you make him without even asking what it is, all while dousing you with compliments about it. If making people food is your love language, then eating food is his.

You're just really nice to have around, right? And hey, your beat-em-up skills definitely don't hurt! He's a scrawny guy, he can appreciate standing behind some muscle. He also finds the way you understand sound, in both music and language, to be fascinating, especially considering how sensitive most beastmen's ears are. He can relate to how you describe it.

He's never one to judge, either, so take your time getting comfortable around him! He'd never admit it, but he's pretty much the same way- it takes a lot to actually get his walls down. You can do it together, huh?

[agentravensong]

two scenes i would add to nerdy prudes must die

the thing about being autistic is that i will have no motivation to sit down and write stuff for my grad school applications all day, but then at night i'll find it in me to spend 3+ hours writing a tumblr post about my latest hyperfixation ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

this time that hyperfixation is nerdy prudes must die, a show that, despite still not being my favorite starkid hatchetfield musical, has really dug its claws into me. i'm gonna detail two scenes that i think would add to certain character arcs, give ritchie (and ruth)'s death(s) more impact, and really drive home the show's themes. don't think i need much more preamble than that, so, here we go!

1. Second Lauter family scene

A scene set between Ritchie's death and Ruth's, fitting best in the plot as is right after "Hatchet Town".

Primary purpose: Show more of Steph's character and her relationship with her father; show that the attitudes that made the teens' high school experience hell (pre-ghost!max) are reinforced by the adults

Basic outline: Steph and her dad are having a convo, prompted by the mayor, about how school is going; a kind of convo that, with how awkward it is, clearly doesn't happen often. Lauter says something half-hearted about how it's a shame her high school experience is being ruined by these events, because it was the happiest time of his life (as a contrast to the opinions our protags express in the opening number).

Steph doesn't want to talk about the murder stuff (duh) so she redirects to how her grades have genuinely improved (or at least did for a minute there) thanks to her studying with Pete, in a way that makes it clear she's genuinely proud of her improvement.

Mayor Lauter, in response, tells her that he doesn't want her hanging out with the nerds anymore, in or out of school, because it makes her a target (and also a suspect).

Steph gets upset at this dismissal; what kind of dad, she scoffs, would tell their daughter who was finally succeeding academically to stop trying? Especially when he was the one who told her to get her grades up?

And Mayor Lauter says something to the effect of, "You don't need to be a star student. I know you, Stephanie; that's never going to be you. All you need to be is good enough. Can you just do that for me?"

We have the mayor leave at this point; let's say he gets a phone call, cause that makes sense, and also is a deeply ironic reason for him to leave a family conversation considering his criticism of Steph's phone use. Steph could even point that out as a joke.

Here is where, if we have time, we give Steph a solo number. Well, it could be a solo, or it could be a duet with her dad — the kind where they're not singing to each other or aware that the other is singing, but they're basically singing their different perspectives on the same thing (in this case, their relationship). I propose the duet version because Corey deserves to get to show off his vocals more prominently in these shows.

Alternate ending if we're not doing the song: Steph can storm out, and the mayor can have an ominous line foreshadowing the drastic measures he'll be taking when we see him again.

The idea with this scene is that I want to give more weight to the whole "she's smarter than she thinks she is" angle to Steph's character. Show that she has found something through her bond with the nerds (Pete mainly) that makes her want to be more than just the "cool girl". And show that there is a part of her that wants a better relationship with her father (because if he won't believe in her, be proud of her, then who will?).

But also, we see how her dad has pigeonholed her into being that kind of airhead. All he cares about is that she stays out of trouble (which is to say, anything that would cause trouble for him). He doesn't care what she's genuinely interested in, what she aspires to; he's spent most of her teenage-hood assuming she's not interested in anything worthwhile, that she doesn't aspire to anything. He doesn't see her as a full person.

And, perhaps most importantly, him telling her not to associate with the nerds draws a direct line between him and our main antagonist, Max. Which matters for reasons that will become clearer as I discuss the second additional scene I came up with.

For the record, if I only got to add one of these scenes (NPMD is the longest of the Hatchetfield shows already, and both these scenes would have to be Act 2 additions), I'd pick this next one. So let's get to it.

2. High School Regression scene

Primary purpose: Showing how the murder(s) has/have affected the student body, and making the point that the hierarchies Max represented can't be disposed of that easily when he's still, literally and metaphorically, haunting the place.

This one would happen in between when the protags find out about Ritchie's death and when Grace informs Pete and Steph of Ruth's death. Practically, this means it would have to be set either:

A) right before Ruth goes to the BBQ Monologues rehearsal, with the scene centering around her, and leading directly into her arrival there (maybe replacing the cop convo entirely? maybe they're at the end of it)

or B) as basically a replacement for the Beanie's scene, but still leading into "If I Loved You" (and everything that comes after)

The beat-by-beat for this one is less solid in my head compared to the first scene, but the idea is that we see some of the cheerleaders and jocks going back to bullying Ruth in version A or Pete in version B (though in a less confident and malicious manner than Max did, as if their hearts aren't fully in it). Ruth or Pete gives some pushback and asks what changed to make them revert to this behavior.

I'm not sure how exactly the bullies express the "why", but in plain-speak, it's this: the students know about Ritchie (and Ruth)'s murder(s), and, maybe more importantly, the "nerdy prudes must die" that was written in Richie's blood. The message they've taken from that is that there is a killer reinforcing the social hierarchies they all abandoned when Max died. And so, with that latent threat hanging in the air, these students have decided to fall in line, in the hopes that they'll therefore be spared. Maybe, even, the murders will stop.

(you could also have one or two kids who are genuinely almost as cruel as max and are using this as an excuse to going back to being the assholes they were before, but you'd need more proper set-up for such a character i think)

Version A is pretty straightforward. I like the idea of Pete and/or Steph being there as well so it isn't just Ruth experiencing the misery (considering where things go from here)... but I know that they need to be dressed as different characters for when Ruth gets to the auditorium, so that probably isn't practical. Maybe there'd be time for Mariah to have made that quick change if Joey really stretched out his bit? But I know the change was tight even for Angela as is.

For version B, you could have the bullies find Steph and Pete at or on their way to Beanie's and be assholes to them there (because it makes sense to me that Steph and Pete would want to have their potentially incriminating conversation off high school grounds), but I think it has more thematic punch to set it in the high school.

Wherever it's set, in version B, Steph and Pete talk a bit about how the bullies' regression sucks, how things are even worse now than they were before Max died, which then leads into their conversation as it is in the actual show over whose fault this all is.

With Pete specifically, I think it'd be neat to call back to what he said to Steph way back in the show about his desire to blend in, to be invisible. That maybe, for a little bit, he liked being accepted, being important (to one person in particular), but it wasn't worth it. And with Steph, if we do have the second dad convo in this version of the show, we can maybe have her comment on how even her dad seems to believe in this bullshit social hierarchy, how they might never escape it.

I mentioned in my post detailing my initial nerdy prudes thoughts that I wished Pete and Steph had a convo that felt like Paul and Emma's convo right before "Join Us and Die". Basically, this is my attempt to give these teens that, without adding an entirely new scene just for that.

As a whole, this scene is my best attempt to Make Something of the themes and plot threads that are so well set up but get kind of lost in the last... third? of the show. Plenty of people have rightly posted that the adults are the real villains of this story. Max isn't scary just because he's one guy; he's representative of larger ideas, a larger system, perpetuated by those adults. Hierarchy, competition, and domination, treated as the natural, necessary state of the world. A system that reduces the personhood of all those ensnared in it.

Those ideas won't just disappear with his death. Max might have peaked in high school even if he lived because of the specific brand of boisterous asshole he was, but the world that instilled those ideas in him, the world beyond high school, will keep fostering and enforcing them, in its more mundane, subtle (comparatively) ways. It will keep producing more Maxs, and more Solomon Lauters.

Like, the whole "fuck clivesdale" bit is a running joke, and a funny one! But, also, I think there's something to be said about the fact that both the teens and adults are all in on this seemingly one-way rivalry, and how much focus is placed on it, in a show about *bullying*. A show about people who have arbitrary labels slapped on them as an excuse to be cruel to them.

"you're fucking losers, and we'll kill you!" isn't that far off as a sentiment from "nerdy prudes must die", is it?

and, like. their team name is the clivesdale chemists. chemists, like, nerds. it's supposed to be part of the joke, i'm pretty sure, that they're named after something nerdy, not a cool animal. if that parallel isn't intentional, then, i dunno man. it's still there either way.

(see also: the musical motif underneath the "who will pray for me" section of nerdy prudes must die also appearing as the chorus of "hatchet town". a motif that plays both when max asks ritchie who will remember him (who will remember *them*), right before enacting his ultimate "justice", and when the adults twist their memories into an excuse for a witch hunt, their own paranoid search for "justice".)

In real life, getting rid of the one asshole at the top of a rotten system doesn't fix the system. If the non-nerdy teens in this school were impressionable enough that one asshole could make them all act in line with his arbitrary beliefs, then his haunting presence (even if they don't know it's literally his ghost) should absolutely have *some* effect on them too.

And I think if you included a scene like this, it would make all that stuff in the script that's subtext, or half-developed, feel like it really was intentional, purposeful.

Does that all make sense? I hope so.

I know that actually trying to fit both of these into the show would require cutting some other stuff down for time, and it would complicate scene transitions and maybe fuck with the overall pacing. Really, this is more a thought experiment than anything else. I'm just glad to have it out of my head after it's been brewing there for multiple days, There's other stuff I'd change if I were to do a full edit of the script, sure, but these are the big things that really would've made the show click for me on the level tgwdlm does.

[maxtothemax]

I never actually finished the series I stopped at Maximum Ride Forever, should I give in and read hawk after all this damn time? Need a professional opinion

it's so great that even tho i don't even make maximum ride posts that much anymore i'm still considered a Professional™. my license hasn't expired yet apparently!

anyway, tbh Hawk was pretty mediocre and boring, although it had one or two fun flock moments. i don't think it's worth it *just* for that, but if you can tolerate grimdark edgy post-apocalypse stuff you might have an okay time. if you were annoyed by Forever you will probably be annoyed by Hawk.

city of the dead had a surprisingly coherent plot and, for that reason, was more exciting than Hawk. i wouldn't call it *good* but parts of it were interesting. i'm gonna credit the new co-author mindy mcginnis for that bc you KNOW james patterson wasn't the source of any of the good parts.

TLDR: might be worthwhile for nostalgia/"LMAO WTF IS THIS" reasons (due to all the random bullshit inserted in both of them), but otherwise i don't really recommend them. i don't think most of the fandom considers them canon/important anyway.

[dino-burger]

Considering it now goes to the “there’s nothing here” page, im assuming the old khsm blog was the side blog (or at least one) you meant to delete. gotta say im sad all that stuff is lost now, as fucked as everything got it was like a time capsule to better times and im gonna miss occasionally scrolling through for memories sake. that being said, i get why you’d wanna put it to rest and im so sorry to hear you lost your main from this sites shitty UI, it’s so fucked there’s no way to recover deactivated blogs or even just view them for archival purposes. I really hope you can find as much as possible to reblog/repost, it’s tragic to think how much could be lost bc of an easy mistake. I wish you the best ❤️

well... actually they were more or less blank blogs, the ones I was removing - more just ideas for things I didn't think I'd use that were cluttering up space. I sort of agree with the concept of like, archiving stuff whenever possible - for the exact reason that I don't know what it might mean to someone, even sometimes that I just like seeing my old work somewhere.

but thank you though. I guess... ah, I don't know, I don't want to think that the big numbers on the things I make are what makes them worthwhile, so it's... idk, I have mixed feelings about having to spend extensive amounts of time hunting for things just so I can reflect on those big numbers or some superficiality. But it is also still just generally a shame that someone interested in what I do might just think I'm not here anymore.

[dearansur]

i don't have a therapist and i'm not gonna get one in the foreseeable future so instead i'll just talk to myself on my blog like a weirdo but anyways, stream of consciousness joyce style ahead

my fear of drawing (like. outright fear that grips me and makes me unable to do anything!) is probably (99% sure) connected with my own self and how close the identity of an 'artist' is tied to my identity as a person. i'm not scared of making Bad art because i'm well aware that i'm mid at best, i don't have much going for me and i'm already grateful for the people who are nice enough to be kind to me about it. but what scares me every time is that i see Nothing. that whatever i make is empty and boring and it says Nothing, and it brings nothing, means nothing. it's the same stale ugly thing that is okay but is never good and will never be good enough for me to be comfortable in my skin and proud of it enough to say 'yeah, i draw'. and with each year passing it becomes even more embarrassing to identify myself with anything artistic because clearly, i'm not. in those 10+ years of drawing i have reached nothing and god i have known people who have started the same time as me or later and who are thriving while i continued to stagnate after reaching my peak back in 2020. that was the last time i made anything that at least felt good.

surprisingly, i even miss the early days when i kept feeling like shit because i was dependent on my friends praising me but still could just make stuff that was fun and cringe back in 2013-2014. i was unhappy a lot of times but at least i let myself fail and be free and just do little stuff without the care in the world.

and then i had to rely on art to survive because i dropped out of university (being suicidal and depression is kinda tough when your family hates your guts for it and doesn't want to accommodate or help). i would later find an irl non-art job that would last me some months and then go back to live on commissions, and that was enough to live just above poverty line but at least i wasn't chained ot an office life or in retail. and now working this Normal Job for 7+ months i resigned from art once again completely, because well! i have no time! i'm not an artist anymore, it's over!

i still don't know how i got work in that project and still feel like they asked me to work with them because i didn't ask much in terms of pay and frankly, i do feel embarrassed of how badly i did that job, even if i tried really hard. but when i look at what i make, i feel like charging any money for it is absolutely obscene and i'm a fraud.

considering it's the only job i have ever done professionally art wise and never worked on any other projects, i'm more than sure that it was a lucky coincidence that shouldn't have happened to me but did nonetheless.

i keep making stupid ugly mistakes that a professional or at least a person with 10+ years of experience shouldn't be making and it infuriates me so much because it only fuels my belief that it's not for me, that i'm forcing it, that i should simply let it go and stop embarrassing myself at my big age by pretending to play an artist online. i have nothing to offer and it's pathetic to watch, especially 'competing' with teens who are simply having fun while i'm tearing my hair over not being good enough and not making anything worthwhile or that i can show to someone without regret or shame

it's simply. so fucking scary to look at what you built of yourself for years and what you relied on to prove that you have a place in this world and that you're not a waste of space who doesn't deserve to live, only to see that you have built absolutely nothing, and all that effort to prove you have worth means nothing too. i can't do anything well, even the things that i do best.

it all circles back to the people who are my complete opposite and who chewed me and spit me out with disgust and who are living their best lives while i'm struggling to not lose my mind, and it only makes me feel like they were in the right and they should have treated me worse and be even meaner and rub their superiority in my face harder so i would never dare to imagine we could be close or that i could be seen as a person to them. truth to be told, i should have just offed myself instead of whining so much but i have known i'm a coward for years so i will just pity myself and wallow in my missed opportunities and my inherent vices.

i used to want to be seen and understood and praised and validated for what i am and how i feel, but in the last years i simply don't care to be seen, i want to be gone and closed off and for no one to touch me or talk to me because i have Nothing to talk about, nothing to share, and i want no one to see or be close to me because it doesn't matter anymore. i don't believe it's possible for me to connect to anyone in a real way and i'm content with superficial surface level contacts with people (until i'm hit with a nasty realization that i'm no one's closest friend and no one considers me their first option and it should be fine because i put zero effort in being anyone's friend and yet it stings).

god i truly lost the thread of what i was rambling about. but what i can clearly see is that i'm losing whatever scraps i called 'self' and that with each passing day i become less a 'person' and more of a ghost i always thought i was and that i can't handle even people i like so i escaped from all online spaces that aren't tumblr (bc i don't talk to anyone here) and telegram (which i use to communicate at work and with my 3 irl friends). i'm ignoring people's messages and feel like shit and all i can say in my defense is that i'm scared and it sounds so stupid and pathetic. i fear getting older and still being nothing and meaning nothing and regretting not offing myself when i was depressed enough because now i have cats i take care of and i can't just leave them. for fuck's sake.

[captainclickycat]

My actually-controversial internet opinion is that people need to stop being dicks about people who let their cats go outdoors. No, really.

So this isn't even me saying "don't try to persuade people to keep their cats indoors". I think educating people about that is absolutely a worthwhile goal. There are many good and solid reasons to keep your cat indoors. I also do not want to play a game of Traffic Roulette where I have to just accept that my little friend might one day just get hit by a car and die or wander off and disappear forever and I'm supposed to just be cool with that happening. And yeah, I fully agree that it's weird and annoying that this is somehow considered an unreasonable stance to take about your beloved pet. I also understand that concepts like domestic cats making a considerable dent in bird populations and potentially spreading viruses are issues that should be seriously taken into account and not just brushed off as "oh well, what can you do."

However.

So first of all, let's imagine a scenario here. Let's say that someone sees all these arguments on the internet, and they think "hey yes, they have some very salient points. Maybe I should start keeping my cat indoors from now on."

...so they try to put this into practise. They make sure all the doors are shut, seal off all possible escape routes, and do their best to convey to little Billy that he doesn't get to play in the garden anymore, for his own safety.

And Billy doesn't like that. He gets stressed and bored and restless. He spends a considerable amount of time just standing in front of the door yelling his head off, obviously desperate to go out, even though they're doing their best to entertain him. He gains a troubling amount of weight. He starts over-grooming himself to the point where he has bald patches. They try putting him on a lead, but he obviously hates the lead and spends the whole time chewing on it or trying to wriggle out of it. It's clear that this transition is causing him a not-inconsiderable amount of distress.

So obviously, Billy's human is very concerned by this. They understand why it's not a good idea to go back to letting their cat roam around unsupervised outdoors, but they can also see their cat is severely stressed and struggling to adjust and they wouldn't have the first idea of how to make it better. Furthermore, this person has grown up with cats themselves, and the notion that it's unethical to let cats go outdoors is completely new to them. And it's not just a new idea, it's basically the antithesis to what they were always taught. From their point of view, for the vast majority of their life it was considered cruel, maybe even a little irresponsible, to not let your cat go outdoors.

As in, if you said to someone that you wanted to keep your cat indoors all the time, they would basically react in the same way they would if you said that you wanted to try to feed your cat a vegetarian diet. Like oh gosh, of course I respect your decision, but don't you think that maybe that's going against their nature and it would be a lot healthier for them if you let them go out. And as much as the judgemental Tumblr crowd don't like to admit it, those people also think they're looking out for the welfare of people's pets. They're not thinking "oh well, I'm just not going to bother doing the extra work it takes to look after an indoor cat; I'd rather just leave it all in god's hands and if something happens oh well", they're thinking "My cat's happiness and wellbeing matters more than my personal anxieties, that's why I'm not going to be overprotective and instead I'll let them have their outdoor enrichment time."

Anyway, sidenote...so I realise this has turned into a tediously long post, and I have a habit of rambing at length in a slightly annoying way when I latch on to a topic. That being said, in this case it really is important to me that people actually read the points I'm making before trying to debate my post with me. So I'm going to request that if anyone wants to argue or even just generally debate with me about this topic, they preface whatever they're saying with the word "Obelix". As in, "Obelix: I disagree with you because blah blah blah." I'm not promising I'll engage with you even if you say the code word, because that's not actually my job, but I'm definitely going to ignore you if you don't say Obelix. Also if you message me on anon. Sorry if you're just doing it because you're shy or whatever, but if I have no idea who you are I have no reason to assume good faith and I'm not going to listen to you.

Anyway! All that aside. When it comes down to it, transitioning from letting your cat roam to keeping them indoors is a big transition, and will involve some very specific - and potentially expensive - accommodations. That's not to say it's not a worthwhile endeavour, but as much as shouty motherfuckers on the internet might be loath to admit it, there's a lot more to it than just "Oh my god, if you would take the time to ACTUALLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR PET, this WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM!!"

And when you actually consult more official sources (such as your local vet, or registered animal welfare charities) the response you get is often liable to be a lot more even-handed. A lot of sources will outright advise you to let your cat have time outdoors if keeping them inside is proving stressful for them and all other possibilities have been exhausted.

And again, that doesn't mean that every argument for keeping them indoors is null and void, or that these issues can't be worked around or accommodated!

What it does mean though is that I think maybe it's time to ask yourself what you really hope to achieve by going on the internet to say over and over and over again that they're the scum of the earth, that they're a sadistic animal abuser, that they secretly hate their cat because they let it go outdoors. And, ultimately, to consider the possibility that when people are presented with the options of "listen to a professional vet, or registered animal welfare charity" or "listen to a snarky tumblr post written by some stranger", they're not actually being all that unreasonable if they choose the former.

If you want to persuade more people to keep their cats indoors, you can actually do the work involved in giving them the information and resources that might make it a feasible possibility. Talk them through the reasons for doing it in a level-headed way. Give them links to reliable sources and websites that talk them through all the ways that they might be able to make this a feasible possibility. Keep a clear head and take the time to patiently explain to them why it's a better option, even if it seems like it should be obvious, even if you feel strongly about it, even if you personally have been presented with these ideas and it seems a little unbelievable that it might be someone else's first time being presented with them. Yelling at people about how awful they are for not just knowing this from the beginning might feel cathartic for you, but there's no guarantee that it's going to have any concrete effect other than getting you written of as a judgemental arsehole.

Stop being a dick.

[umbral-stigmata-unbound]

3 17 36 46 for Vincent

50 Random Character Asks | Open

3. Obscure headcanon I don't think I really have an obscure headcanon? I mean, headcanons that seem like they could be canon, most those that i have are shared by half his fandom if not most. if we're talking headcanon that's closer to fanon, well, for my Vincent, he grew under the doting of his mother and grandmother (on his fathers side), both of whom were very creative with story to the point of publishing a personal book of their own. He adored their stories as a child, and had he not grown up seeking to please each figure he respected and adored, especially doing so to the point of subconsciously forging himself into what his father wanted, he could have followed a passion similar to the two women in his life and become a novelist. He never gave himself enough time, focused on himself, to let his own desires develop and grow however.

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them Don't laugh at me, but... My Immortal -Evanescence, Alkaline -Sleep Token (granted I usually listen to this with a bit of a Strifentine flavor). There are others that are slow to come to mind right now!

36. Their favorite season Fall, absolutely. For the temperature, the smells, the looks of the world around him during that time. It's never even been related to being close to the month of his birth, man just knows his vibes.

46. The person they most admire His is difficult, as really...it depends on the timeline (and with my RP, verses). Through most of his life, it was his family almost equally, but especially his father. That admiration was there, conflictingly, for the years to follow. It dimmed with his falling out with his father, but only in a personal sense. Considering him as a brilliant man and professional, he could not shed all of that admiration. He deeply admired Veld as well, training and then working with him, and everything else they went through together. He admired Lucrecia deeply, too, with her passion and determination to achieve her goals. Admiration, over the years, has become something he rarely practices anymore, as it never seems to work out or matter for anyone. He has levels of admiration for the friends he acquires with Avalanche, but he makes sure to balance himself and her he looks at others, to ensure he doesn't forget the flawed and worthwhile person underneath all he might admire of them.