#especially with my driving when ive acknowledged my road rage issues. they'd have to come to accept i was a lost cause
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#i watched then pull a lifeless body out of a truck that hit the concrete median and jumped itself up the side of fhe overpass#the front end was destroued. the winshield was shattered. there were three of fhem manuverinf the driver's body out of the truck cab#yhat could've been me. if i hit thay concrete barrier at jusy a slightly different angle#or if thag truck hit me at just a slightly different diagonal#my car could've flipped. i would've smashed into the batrier and flipped in the middle of the busy highway#the chances of it being a fatal accident are... god. god i couldve fucking died and my work woudlbt find out until they see it on the news#and so itd seem like i didnt come in to the shift i promised to pick up so ny manager wasnt openong the store alone#and the truck driver just drove off. it woudlve looked like my fault. it woudlve looked like *i* drove rexklessly and got myself killed#god i would've died a fuckinf failure in everyone's eyes. a memory kf ''i told you so'' filled wirh guilt and regret and anger#like of course i would. the one time it's actually not my fault. becaude thats just the standard i got everyone to set for me.#''expect him to fuck up''. it'd be wjat i deserve but it would cause so much grief for everyone i know#becayse they'd have to grow to accept that it was inevitable. that i would fuck up bad enougb to get myself killed. of course i would.#especially with my driving when ive acknowledged my road rage issues. they'd have to come to accept i was a lost cause#and that there's nothing they couldve done to save me from my own dumb recklessness#and that they wasted so many years trying to save a lost cause#but then if they found out rhe truth then theyd deal with the grief of having felt angry towards me in tbe first place#ajd that's its own can of worms#judt#fuck#why cant i be just the SLIGHTEST bit redeemable? why do i have to be this exhaustive case?#why am i always doomed to ultimately be a disappointment?#to the point that when i dont fuck up the universe makes sure to fuck things up for me. because i just.#cannot be anything but a vacuous catastrophic wreck. god... why am i so awful? why?
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