#esp basic ass CBT

[codependencytendencies]

This was supposed to be better than the capitalistic b.s. we are sold but it's still pissing me off so I'm gonna scream into the void. Fuck this assessment.

Physical self care

I eat the same thing every day i don't think about it

Who has the fucking money for prevention or medical care

Fashion is overrated bullshit made up by thin ppl who dont even make shit in my fucking size

I'm disabled. I don't do physical activity. I exist and that's enough.

Hot take, it's not my fucking responsibility to constantly try to think positively about myself in a world that tells me they want me dead. I'll be a fucking realist and not lie to myself about shit.

What is it with these pretentious fucks and massages? Noone is fucking touching me and I'm sick of it being so fucking normalized. I will NEVER get a fucking massage and you can't fucking make me.

Psychological self care

Who the fuck has money for vacations? What even is a "day trip"? Driving is exhausting.

What the fuck is "my own personal psychotherapy" even supposed to mean? If it's just a more pretensious way of saying get a therapist, fuck no. I'm not going back to therapy until therapists stop being dicks who gaslight with cbt and work with cops.

The internet is the only place I can interact with other ppl that I don't hate. Taking breaks is harmful.

Who is this written for? How much reading did the creator of this little list think the average person read for work? Bc I don't know anyone who reads for work honestly.

Do you not notice your own thoughts 24/7? How does that even work?

Engage my intelligence... this is one of those ppl who can turn off their brain to watch trash toxic stuff like reality TV isn't it?

Bold of you to assume I'm an expert in anything

This list is so fucking weird. It's like stuff that I don't even think about or stuff that is not helpful at all.

Be curious... this is why I hate so many ppl. If you have to be reminded to be curious I honestly don't understand why you are alive.

Yeah work stays at work but that's just fuck capitalism don't be taken advantage of.

Journaling is such a basic ass thing and after a while it's pointless. I haven't done that since I was like 16. Not to mention it's exhausting. I'm not writing stuff down by hand esp if I'm the only one that's gonna see it. I'll rant out loud in my apartment bc that's at least not a waste of fucking time. Like who even has a thought long enough to write it down like that?

Emotional self care

I.have.no.support.system. that means no fucking ppl to hang out with.

I HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. Fuck those toxic ppl that gave birth to me and all the fucks related to them. They can go dissolve in the toxic sludge they created.

I am autistic. Rewatching things is kind of required.

Express outrage... ironically that is what I'm doing right now. Again, fuck this assessment

Fuck affirmations. I'm not lying to myself. It's not actually healthy to tell yourself you're a good person. Bc you're not. Nobody is. That's black and white thinking bullshit. I am a person that does good and bad things depending on my capabilities and I know that bc im not a fucking lying allistic that thinks they don't suffer from black and white thinking.

I'm autistic and for me that means i have uncontrollable bouts of crying. There is no allowing myself. Privileged ass person who made this can apparently controlled their crying. How nice for them.

Now here's where the REAL anger starts

Wtf is going on with this whole "spiritual self care" bullshit? Why is it so hard for ppl to grasp that not everyone thinks like them? And they say autistics have a lack of theory of mind.

Causes aren't spiritual. They are opinions and values.

Reflection isn't spiritual, that's just using your fucking brain to analyze yourself, we already covered that, how many reminders do you boring allistic ppl need??

Non material aspects of life? Wtf does that even mean? Am I aware that there are abstract concepts? Yes, social constructs are abstracts, like Religion is a social construct and im not interested, it's boring.

Find spiritual connection or community?? This bullshit is why atheists are so lonely. Yall can't build any community outside religion.

Relationship self care

Partner. No. Fuck that amatonormativity.

Relatives? Fuck those toxic ppl.

What posting on tumblr isn't enough?

Personal correspondence? Did someone forget to upgrade to modern language? Why does this sound like some 19th century person talking about writing a letter to send along the pony express.

There are no people to do things for me. I have been asking for help and there is noone. I hate this fucking state, I have nothing in common with these ppl. There is nothing for me, I don't like any of the things that ppl do here, and they don't have any of the things I like to do.

Literally all I have is my cats, and I had to Pavlov them into loving me.

Workplace self care

Chat with coworkers??? Why the fuck would I want to do that? At best I tolerate ppl enough to do my job. Peers?? There aren't even ppl my own age here. I can go days without talking to anyone at all. support groups at work??? This is some fancy blue state shit isn't it?

Can't balance shit when you don't have shit.

Fuck self care

[bemybestoy]

Genesis of me

Genesis: becoming me! Hello bitches and kink lovers,This blog shall be an open letter to guide and smooth out  our relationship as I am sick and tired of how a dominatrix and a sub's role are misunderstood. Let me introduce myself, I am Krisztina, a pro domme, in my 30's and I am embracing this role for around 8 years. Meaning I am highly experienced and I tried it all, expect the practices that reach out my limit. Such as permanent damage, I would never put the life and health of a slave of mine in jeopardy not thru my instructions or even just widness(you cannot even imagine thru years how many times I was asked if we can perform a c2c castration  precedure, stabbing with knifes or swords for any amount I can posibly think of asking. I repeate it was about c2c so not bulshit as I would watch all along). When I refused such life threatning session I was offered same only to watch, not to instruct. Answer is still NO everytime. BDSM is not abuse, it is not guided endangerment, it must be sane, sane, consensual and have very clear boundaries of safety. To rewind i started to explore this world in my early 20s ofc and suprise , suprise in real life. Even if i am mostly an online fetish chathost and online domme, I did not know such sections of BDSM exist in camming world, till after a few years i have done dominance in real life. Let me explain! So I had a mid managemnt job after my university in a multinational company, which was and still is top 3 globally in its field and shall always be. There is not even a child all across this world that does not know what company is about when hearing it's name (do not be cretin enough to ask me the name, I will tell NO to your face. Or ask you what info you wish next home adress, Id identification number, blood group or home keys along with an open window in case you do not manage to use the keys:)) ). So i was there around 1 years and half and had a long distance relationship with often travelling . We all know those never lastunless one of the two moves abroad. So I hapilly informed my family and work collegues I wish to move to a different country to move in with my bf/ soon to be fiancee. The question in everyone's head right now was you bf your was Ds relationship? the honest answer is hell no! my bf was alike me a real alpha, one of the strongest man psysical and mental both and definetly would not take attitude from no woman (not even the love of his life, unless he was dick and she was right. To understand you need to picture a man at height 1,95 cm and around 100 kilos all fibers and muscles as he had been a kickboxer and when i met him a trainer for kickboxers at European level. A true montain of a man who yet never felt his manhood threaten if he discussed his feeling with me, his desires, his sensibilities, things i would do or say to hurt his feeling even involuntary a I was busy all the time and moving fast etc). So not only that he was not the submissive type, but even if we were in harmony from time to time he would give me 'attitude'. Now even if I am pleased and happy, even if I amm not the nagging type, no matter who you are and how much I love you, if you cross me I will whoop your ass. After a fe episodes, as chasing him thru the apartment every room with the moop tail pointed a him to kick his ass until he ran out, threating to stab his hand with a fork when he tried to touch my steak after leavig him without one as he made clearly to me he was not a pussy to carry grocery bagsand hence to help and many as suchhe decided I should meet one of his best friend from high school, a lady leaving in a city close. He said we would get along perfectly and the lady and I would get along perfectly. Who would knew I was in for such a big suprise.....(cheshire cat as i recall and type). So I did not know much about her ad what she does for a living when we were instruduced. We had  lovely conversation, then she invited me some day when i am off work to visit her house, met her husband also and spend some more lady time together(I was a manager in one of my bf business a gran coffee shop/ bar it was quite big and had 2 floors one was coffe shop and bar all white with blue lighting surrounding th wide bar and lower floor  couches and tables and ring dance for party rentals such as festivity, anniversieries etc. I done so many things in there: not only i would cash in all the money that being my main, but i would help the other emplyees by making cocktails- I made a course for that- , even cleaning or washing glasses, once out there i was the only personal managing or website, of course PR as even t planning as I was the one who organised every detail of our rental and someone even DJ, a lower floor had DJ booth with pro equipment which i manage to completely fuck up as I had no idea what I was doing and the booked DJ announced last minute he was so coming so my bf said as i am the most modern and tech savvy to give a try to see if i can work it. not only I was not able , but i fucked it up so bad we had to call a tehnician to fix it and he taught me basically how to use it on a minimal level to work it for the party which turned out great. Still cracks me out when i think of my face when i was sure i fucked it up lol. it was a dexter labority moment and his blonde sister deedee: i was like many if i press this and that i will fix it )  I was like well i cannot make it worse :))) Then I decided I need some female eergy without the 'guys' going everyday at my bf gym to do my box training, my krav maga and I gave a call to this lady ask her if I can indeed visit and when It is appropriate to come and suits her schedule.My employees and bf replacing me could manage a day without and i needed a getaway. She invited me in couple or days, my bf drove me to her house and then left to actually replace me. we had an amazing luncheon, laughed, make jokes, just getting to know each other mostly me and her, but also her husband. Then she informed me she had some work to do soon but i can wait with her husband. Unlike I want to come with her. I was like ok I want to come, ut i am not sure whether i disturb you and invite me just to be polite or if it is really ok. i mean i got the best manners you could witnes both on and out of my job. She said she would actually like to share what she does with me as she likes me and she is quite sure having such a strong and open personality  would not make me freak out. I was within my mind ' what should i freak out about?!'. but still acted al casual as i liked her myslf, it only made me very curious. I have a feline personality so curiosity is in my nature, though it is pure and observatory, not the gossip, lame and weak as usual women are. So..... she said she will be busy with work for around 2 hours and if i wanted to stay aside as she cannot pay attention to me. i was like ok... She then invited me at the basement where she said she would met at her 'office' a person whom she expects, as her work space has direct access from garage. Then we would both go downstairs. Well probably telling all cluess made you suspect or realise it was a full dungeon downstairs. a pro dungeon.you should have seen my face when i noticedall the tools, device,suspension systems and the rest of the toys. She looked at me patient and confident, without a care in her mind that i might judge or something.... let me soak it all in... then she asked: You still want to stay or do you want to go upstairs with my husband to keep him company thru soccer game was on tv? " . She was so calm as if she shown me a bush of pants in her garder:)) Then my first outspoken reaction to her it was one of a morron: my first words after what i have seen, my first question asked was if her husband knew about all these(as they do not share a house for more then 10 years). She said yes, but he does not interfer with her work, comes down sometimes, but participates rare and very dismissive toward whom she works with. So I gotten more curious. I obviously suspected what will happen soon, but never withness something alike.Well I done so many sessions and you remember even if having a perfect memory the big lines of the majority. The first one I had only as a peeper I remember in smallest little details. Bitch parked and had a hoody on. he knoecked and when was invited, he went down on his knees down on all stairs. He looked like a maggot or miriapod with his head down to do not cascade over stairs as he was not standing. She then informed her she had a guest which will attend, but will not participate. Not giving a fuck of his reaction. I;ve seen chain suspection bondage, over all punishment and esp cbt along with huge strapon penetration. Shge is quite tall1.80 and she really was at perfect level as he bitch even if him hanging from the ceiling without touch the floor or be close to it even. i was amazed and intrigued. So as soon everything was done and he left ofc i asked so many questions. She answered all with patience even if i must have been annoying like a child and not  take the time to put together the smarters questions. After i while I was blablabla in a hyper manner about what she does as a professional domina I was like wait! does my bf know about this? She smilled and said ofc. He sometimes rarely when visiting me participates even as a master helping mewith pain or bootlicking or stuff. He joins more then my husbnd who when bored and coming down to see when i finish at most lets his shoes licked by my slaves then goes upstairs. I found all these fascinaint and so alternative so ofc I wanted to see more.So often I would visit her as watch her sessions with her slaves. After several mouth a slave of hers made her after session a big financial tribute offer that i participate too and i can second her domining. She asked me if it is something I consider. I did want it, but felt like I would be clueless as per what to do. Even if you watch many times that does not mean you feel suddly like you can replicate that certainty in action. She said not to worry as bitch knows it is my first time and this and following her lead is exactly what it is excites him. So i mus not overthink, just try to have some fun. And damn! It was so much fun! the hormones, the excitment, the laughter from humiliation talk, the driven crazy look on the bitches' face, the overall experience. it was like wow! it is hard to paint it in words, with all lexicon richness or ability to play with words. it is pure extasy! :D:DAfter he felt she made sure he had a chit chat with a glass of wine, making sure i am good with all, she said how great i was as she does not like other lady dommes in general. What was the goodbye part when my bf arrved to pick me up in car she actually did give me my own tribute. how much money! like lots! Then she invited me often to participate in the session in which slave got excited about 2 lady dommes. I accepted that one per week as i was busy with my own line of work. I had so much fun more then a year. Seen lots, done lots.Then a night I was speaking to him in our bed, holding hands, after2-3 rounds of sex and many orgasms. My realtionships are very intimate and I always go for an open man, who is super smart so besides sex and comfy routine I would have a late night conversation till 4-5 am even if we had to bed up and work in couple hours. there is just something that it is most meaninful ina relationship, to communicate ina deep way and to enjoy it lots both of you. and get into each other soul, emotions and deepest needs.So I did ask him : what made you think she would like me and would like her? what made you believe i would enjoy all these as you know we do not do anything as such? He then said he met thru his life many type of women: brainy, prude, whores, dommes, swingerseven submissive lil fmale toys. And he said a true dominant is never made into one. Ofc you can be good if you copy and get exposured to it or at least satisfactory to a slave. But the best dominant are born, not made. It is in their nature and personalities. They give out clues all the time, no matter the random they do.It made me wonder lots. After a couple moment of silence with my head on his chest, lips against his neck and hand holded all thru our talk, just enjoying the thinking of each, the meaninful silence, i asked if he does not feel bothered about that facti enjoy myself playing with slaves when not only he do not do anything alike, but he is not playing with others either. I mean it is a vast emoions i fell which exclude him fully. he said ofc not, as our love life is something i need more then my alternative fun, thta he knows i can live without that experience, but i would be heartbroken if i was without us (you need to understand jealousy cannot be an issue here. Real pro dommes in dungeon do facesitting all dressed up thru latex or leather and it has got a suffocating breath control purpose. i will explain you why: first of all a n evelated domme cares about personal hygiene and she know there are many scat lovers visiting dommes. so to have one licking your pussy it is not quite sanitary. also ass worship is done thru leggings. the most expensive, best dommes will never allow a slave licking. that is just some vanilla crap made up buy hookers selling sex and bdsm aswell. a well respected professional odoes not indulge in that. I am not saing to use a slave for self sexual satisfaction makes you a bad, poorly skilled mistress. But you do that as a lifestyle domme.Meaning you have a domestic relatinship with your slave who is your life patner. Never in a pro dungeon relationship oral for a slave would be allowed or accepted). Drinking champagne straight from mistress soource yes, but without wiping after. You may have it fromshort distance her controlling her debit makeing her slave do not miss anything unless they agree before on a facial champagne game. But when you go to a pro domme you cannot expect her to enjoy licking pussy and ass. Not to mention licks or even nudity just because it arrouses you. so my bf knew my sex life involved only him, in vanilla terms we all know.And he was ok with my alternative fun. We were even if a modern couple a very faithful one. So our orgasms were only and strictly dedicated to one another, exclusively.He wasgreat in bed so i would have every single day more then ten orgams within couple of hours(we had wakeup sex, luch break sex and couple turns before bed, many squirty orgams, clit or vaginal without squirt). The most sexual gesture i seenin the pro domme who introduced me to this world is just around 3 times within one year to milk cock with latex gloves, but with ruin orgasm. she took hand of when she felt he would come load was shoot without touching he would lick after she pull gloved off and glove was washed after. More often she would make the bitch wank himself while she instructs him closeby. her husband accepted her line as he accepted and love everything about her, but he was like my ex fiancee: hear pussy, ass, breast, orgams, real sexual intimacy are for your pratner. Not for everyone. That is a hooker thing to do. To gave all that just just random everyones. One after the other.That is not what a real dmme is made off. Her strenght and charm comes out because he in full intimacy is hard to get if not impossible. And by all means a slave shoould be use till u reach full sexual satisfaction. But only for your chosen one or ones. I fyou are a lifestyle domme and have a slave as life partner or few slaves as toys as open relationship is ok. But you cannot expect same from a real pro domme! That is something builtand leveled up!PS Hmmm now to breath a lil as I poured everything  so fast. deep inhales and exhales. light a cigg after and build this disclaimer. my spelling is awful as you know me i type like a motherfucker in full speed. Ignore all errors and consider the essence of my phrases. I do not believe in going back to spellcheck unless you publich a book or something editorial. I did that during university in an non paid internship, both as corrector and publisher. But it was a publication spread and shippd on a national evel. And in both roles i learned that the first message and thought till publishing as you go back several times are worlds apart. So much changes. And since I do not publish something wanting to be of intellectual value I wish a very spontaneous, fast writing. It is the most sincere, no filters and even if shifting thoughts without a bridge causing some lack of coherency now and then it is more powerful as the first reactions are.  So yes a blog! why a blog? i do not do social media. it is lame, tacky and became brainless. i miss books or blogs at least. and i do not like at all media unless i do exposure over it from bitches craving for begging and tribute me for it. These reasons and that I cannot stand screens after 8-10 hours of online being available to sessions. I like to look in eyes of someone I talk to and they looking back at me. Instead of both or all dinner participants looking non stop at phone while we pretend to be together. Meanwhile no one is present as they focused on media and other stuffs over their phone .That is not only lame and un natural  , but also impolite. Themost important ask from people around me is manners first of all. One lack of manners become my refusal to have this creature close to me even silent, simply unacceptable.  In addition, if i must have my eyes after work on something i prefer a good movie or a book. Actual human contact is important to me as little as we have it nowadays with global situation. so NO, unless i will have video call activated which i will seldom have I do NOT exist until i am online the next day I feel the need to have people at my feet :) I am literary out of this world. I do not exist for anyone online. And enjoy it every minute !

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him