#either they're my fault and I am too traumatised to even think about dealing with the problem

[david-watts]

I'd have expected six hours later with some rest some salt and time I'd feel less of an urge to end it all but nope. I don't want to exist anymore

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

First, let me apologise for making people worry. I appreciate all those who reached out and I'm sorry that I couldn't get back to you all.

I have been through a very rough spiral. It was building for months, and I am still not fully okay.

For those who want context, it's under the cut.

I bought a house in May. It's expensive. I wasn't ready financially or in many ways for that step, but my partner convinced me. I told him as much but I was not heard. Alas, I have a mortgage, full time work, astudent loan, and an ongoing school program to contend with. It hasn't been easy and it caught up to me.

At the same time, a person who traumatised me and I have no way of fully extricating from my life, has moved closer. To keep the peace, I have to associate with him to a degree and he pretends that nothing ever happened. To him, it was nothing.

In June, I moved. It was hard and fast paced. I did most of the paperwork etc for the whole process and obv helped with the physical transition as well. I was responsible for deadlines and checklists for not just myself but my partner.

I was plugging holes in a sinking boat.

At the same time, I had obligations to my family. Every weekend if I wasn't dealing with the house and all that goes into it, I was running around to babysit or see family or whathave you.

In July, I pinched a nerve behind my tailbone. I missed a week of work bc my injury but it took longer for my to recover. I am still feeling it today. It was more than physical, but emotional.

I also got three periods that month. Hormonal can't begin to explain how fucked up I've been.

On top of all that, there are underlying issues associated with other trauma and discontent. I'm realising that I have been loyal and tolerant to the point of my own detriment.

I don't want to hurt people how I've been hurt, so I don't speak up. When people tell me something about myself, I let all the doubts planted in my mind from years of abuse convince me that they're right. I can admit my faults but often times I will think that proof of one flaw means everything about me is rotten.

People forget about me or just don't care. Both or either. They don't put the same effort in that I do. I find it hard to connect because years of disregard and neglect have told me that the other side just won't care.

But I'm not just hurt, I'm angry. I'm seeking therapy and trying to figure this out.

It all boiled over after my last post. Nothing I do is enough. For anyone. Not even when it's a hobby. I was frustrated bc the place I use for escape just made me feel like less than.

Obviously, I don't mean everyone or even the majority. I appreciate the discourse and fun and everything here! There are so many awesome people to interact with and I have missed you all, however, my headspace was bad. Very bad. I had thoughts I haven't dealt with in years.

I put my nose down and just went to work. I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I didn't wanna be in the world.

I did some reading, eventually some non-fandom writing, and sometimes, I just stayed alive.

I don't know if I'm really okay but I'm trying.

To those who have been so patient and supportive, you deserve everything. To those who are silent supporters, you do too. And even to those people who send me the most vile hate, you deserve to lift yourself out of the dark space you're stuck in. Hopefully, I can, too.

[evil-wakes-in-vengeance]

Somehow I don't think you'd rather eat your own eyeball. And there is no restraining order, they're called bail conditions which aren't even necessary at this point. I haven't been any where near you or Milton for god knows how long now - a long, long time, and I have no intentions of imposing myself. I've sent the odd message now and again and we've had a couple of 'pleasant' convos since, but that's about all at this point. As I said, I lost my shit way back then. I don't want you as badly as you think though, I just miss you now and again. It's a weird mixture of lust, loneliness, nostalgia, and I miss the intimacy we had and obviously that's past it's sell-by-date but I'm not sat in a dark corner of my house rocking back and forth over it. I've got shit going on, but you'll of course exaggerate the amount I've messaged you.

Apparently any opinion that differs from your perception of yourself is gaslighting now too. How does that even make sense? You think I'm trying to fuck with your head, when actually, I just had a moment where I thought about everything, and I got myself in a mood and vented to you because this was a two sided relationship and we both made mistakes but you don't see the ones you made. As for most dudes trying to be with you, am I even wrong? Please show me one male friend of yours who hasn't even at the very most hinted they either fancied you, or wanted more with you at some point? I'll wait. It's not fucking gaslighting if it's true. And you don't even know what "Red Pill" mentality is. It's not what you think it is, i.e, how 2 fck loadz of bitchez and shhit. I was getting girls way before I ever even knew what Red Pill was. It's fuck all to do with that.

"you claim to have abundance and awareness , yet your heavily clouded by your own brains intrusive thoughts , and my gosh do you believe them , your not in control nor do you have the great self discipline you for claim you’re controlled by yourself , delusional and entitled narcissistic behavioural tendancies." Oh no! Kirsty is gaslighting me with her opinion! That's fine that you think that. Anyone who deals with anxiety has a heavily clouded brain. You should fucking know that Freud, since you also deal with it. And I don't believe every intrusive thought that comes into my head, don't be silly. You say I don't know you, but you clearly don't know me either. I never claimed to have great self discipline. I've admitted about a thousand times how many mistakes I've made, it's pretty fucking self-evident that I'm not perfect, duhhhh. Maybe you should realise you're not too, and I'm not talking about your looks which you seem to be obsessed with.

If only I were a woman so I could cry about how men victimise me, but never actually take into account any of the mistakes I might be making in relationships.

I said I didn't give you any reason to mistrust me in the beginning. That's clearly what I said to you. "Early on". And I didn't. Because of the way Will treated you, shat all over your commitment to him by sleeping with all of the easiest, trashiest lays in New Milton you naturally ended up traumatised as fuck (partly your own fault too for not having the "discipline" to break up with him sooner), and then you projected all of that mistrust on to me in the beginning. Was it fair? no, but I understood. I had the same doubts and fears as you because of how much I was betrayed in the past. Shit happens. Just recognise it.

Despite ALL of that said. I don't hate you at all Kirsty. I'm mad about what happened and I wish I could rectify it.

As far as I was aware and told by Molly there was a restraining order which meant immediate arrest if you came near me or Luna. And it is absolutely necessary , abd I'm glad you only miss me a little bit but enough to make various accounts and find a way to contact me ? Look what can I say I'm a decent girlfriend lol , I give to much and try my best , and I'm sorry but the only things I will be held accountable in the relationship was not leaving sooner , I genuinely genuinely cannot fault myself in any respect when it came to being a girlfriend , maybe I'm not as affectionate as I could be and my sex drive isn't the best but I'm on fucking fluxontine I'm cutting myself a break there. The only toxic behaviours I believe I exhibited would be reactive abuse when I finally started to lash out about the way you where treating me , which is exactly what happened with will. And I should have ended both relationships way before they broke me entirely . I'm very aware I'm not perfect I'm far from it I'm extremely messed up , I have a lot of physical and mental issues and I'll never try and hide that? But I've never cheated I'm always loyal I provide I listen I give advice Im open minded I can give space and allow my partner to have a life , I know when to back off and when to be there, I genuinely as a girlfriend don't really see where the fuck I'm failing ? Please do fucking enlighten me because really was a bad girlfriend you wouldn't miss me at all !!!

I have anxiety yes but I as a self aware person don't impose my anxiety onto others unless I'm physically in panick and need some reassurance but that's just called soppourt . And Im aware it can make you believe unrealistic things but again I DONT impose them onto others , you do huge huge difference , thanks for the Freud comment mind I appreciate it lol.

[thanks-mike-stamford]

Fics that inspire my writing - Part I

This is Part I. The other parts will be linked here as they are posted: Part II | Part III

When people ask "What's your favourite fic?" I can't truly give an answer. It depends on my mood! How can I choose only one? Sometimes you want to reread that one fic for emotional comfort, sometimes you want that other one for the hots, sometimes you want to suffer a bit with the characters and have the relief of the happy ending, and sometimes you love a fic so so so much, but it hurts and you don't pick it up again ever. There's no way I can choose a favourite.

So this is just a disclaimer that this list is not really about favourites.

This list is about writing.

I'm not as prolific as a writer than I am as a reader. I try to do my best, of course. The best way to learn a lot about writing, though? I have to say it's reading. I can attribute most of my vocabulary (in all languages I know) to reading. When talking about writing fiction, it's more than vocabulary, though: narrative, prose, dialogues, plot, characters, themes... It's a lot happening.

These fics I'm going to mention are the ones that I read and think yo myself: oooh, I wish I could write like that. So I use them to study! Perhaps I could try this type of narrative? Or I could build my characters to be complex in this way? Perhaps I could phrase things in a less mechanical way, like this author does?

I'm drafting a lot of stuff recently and in these new works I'm trying to improve the way I write. I'm a quick reader but slow writer, but I hope my future works can show I learned from these stories below.

So, here we go, 10 Fics That Inspire My Writing, in no particular order. This list is not exhaustive either, it was horrible to choose just 10.

Part I

Limping forward series by bendingsignpost

I absolutely love this series, which is a main fic from John's POV and a short prequel from Sherlock's POV, supposed be read after the main story. I'll refer to the main story from now on.

This fic is dialogue-heavy. The moments of description are usually very close to the POV, and while it's used to indicate actions, the main purpose is always to show what John is feeling by how he interacts with whatever and whoever is around him. Sometimes we are left with dialogues that are not explicit. The characters know exactly what they mean, by the described reactions, but the reader is left to wonder - or most importantly, to actually think about what they mean given the context. The fic feels almost like an intelectual exercise in which we practice how to read people's feelings. The climax of the fic doesn't come from a misunderstanding that can be fixed with a conversation, for example. It comes from an emotional misunderstanding, and it's brutal, because there's no way it couldn't happen. Both John, Sherlock, and the reader need to understand the meanings behind the actions - if you have a bias or trauma, it can be hard. Sherlock's deduction at the climax scene comes from an emotional perspective - he deduces how John felt, and that would finally explain John's actions, which weren't clear for him. Just like Sherlock says in the story - it's magnificent.

These two aspects - dialogue with implicit meaning and description with a purpose - are aspects I lack in my own writing. I struggle immensely with dialogue, and my descriptions are usually "Character A is here or there, talking to B or C, and they're thinking X or Y". I look up to how this fic works in trying to get better, and I did try to incorporate those "invisible conversations" into my works.

The Illusion of Control series by starrysummernights

Uuuh, omegaverse! Not everyone's cup of tea. I love omegaverse though, for two reasons: you can create completely different world dynamics and sex/gender dynamics, and play with it.

This series needed to be a series. Every part is important. We have alternating POVs of John and Sherlock. If you read the series as a WIP, as it was posted, you could have been under the impression that it was strictly porny. But it helps a ton to read it following the chronology of the story (the prequels and sequels to the original one were attributed accordingly). Because the trick of this series is John's character arc. We are immediately presented with John's life story since childhood until he starts a relationship with Sherlock. He has endured great emotional trauma, but at first he doesn't even recognise he has been traumatised. Lifelong issues build up and eventually will spill over. It's not quick to deal with it, that's why it needs a full series. His relationship with Sherlock deepens, he needs to make some important choices, he faces great struggles. And step by step, we follow John's journey. It's absolutely brilliant to get there. It hurts, but it hurts good. And it's nobody's fault, at the end. He's not reduced to his issues, he's an entire complex person, but we are always aware how said issues played an important role in shaping this character.

Writing such a long story, posting it out of chronological order, and not losing sight of the character arc is what makes this fic stand out. One of my published fics specifically took great inspiration in this one while building a character arc for John.

Trying to Find The In-Between by NoStraightLine

Later on this was re-posted as a multi chapter fic, but I originally read it as a series when it was a WIP, and personally I think it works better this way.

This amazing work taught me a lot about causes and consequences. I think the entire series can be grouped in three parts. First part is the beginning of their relationship. They are learning about each other, playing piece by piece like a puzzle. Then second part is around Reichenbach Fall, they separate and emotional fuckery ensues, up until Sherlock comes back, the pinnacle of angst. Third and last part is them relearning each other from scratch. The relationship needs to be completely different - and they don't even know if they will get together after all, if it will ever work again. And here's the main point: it's not a single decision that warrants consequences. They had a super intense relationship at first - but if you go too high, the fall is worse. Everything is borderline unhealthy, but it could easily be attributed to love. The author doesn't shy away from showing us it's a bit of both: big love can be a bit unhealthy. To put up boundaries between them so they both keep sane you also need to limit how you treat each other, and what you expect from each other.

This fic made me think I need to estimate the consequences of how I build up characters' interactions. The reactions need to be accordingly to that measure. In one fic I tried to play with this intensity ended up being borderline unhealthy. Not something you'd want in real life, of course, but in fiction... anything is possible.

This is the end of Part I. Stay tuned for Parts II and III!

[solasan]

mollie i am knocking down your door and asking about matty, jill & chris 👀

omg leah!!!!!! i am always happy to talk abt my babies thank u sm for askin abt them <333

(under a cut bc this got long, i don't know how to do anything concisely i'm so sorry shdsjk)

so jill & matty meet during the raccoon city incident; matty's a nurse working at the spencer memorial hospital under dr. bard at the time (and also lowkey working for umbrella against her will) and carlos finds her when he brings jill to the hospital. she's literally hiding in a closet lmao carlos almost shoots her when he finds her, but she's so panicked and wide-eyed that he's like ok. i am going to leave my friend with u. please don't let her die. i'll be super mad.

matty looks after jill while carlos goes underground, mostly just keeping an eye on her vitals etc to be sure she's not either a) going to keel over and die or b) mutate into anything deeply terrifying that will scar matty for life lmao. when jill wakes up it's to matty literally checking her pulse, and when she moves matty jumps so hard that jill immediately decides she's going to protect this poor doe-eyed nurse with her life lmao

after the events of raccoon city, they get together. it's pretty hesitant and nervous on both sides at first bc 1) it's 1998 and they are two women and 2) they're both pretty traumatised lmao. matty especially has a lot of nightmares n has to go to therapy to work thru the things she saw at raccoon city. but they're very happy!!! very domestic!!!! they have a Gentle kind of love that builds very slowly and makes me 🥺

jill introduces matty to chris pretty quickly, because he's her best bud. i think even by this point chris is in love with jill but hasn't. quite realised it yet? but he and matty get along very well!!! she's a very soft sort of woman and pretty easy to get along with, especially since she's turned on umbrella now; she hasn't yet joined the the fight against them bc she's. still very anxious about being in any kind of combat situation again, but she works as a nurse in a local hospital n her n chris become pretty good buds thru their shared love of jill

so things between her and jill get pretty serious!!! they talk abt exchanging rings and are pretty open about their plans to spend the rest of their lives together. it's very sweet. and then the spencer estate raid happens, and jill disappears and is assumed dead.

and matty is a mess.

she grieves for a rly long time lmao. and doesn't rly do it very healthily. this is when she gets involved with the bsaa (as a medic) because she's just. so lost and furious about jill's death. she's lost her whole future, yknow?

anyway during this time her and chris kind of get a bit codependent bc they're both mourning this wonderful woman they loved so much, and they dont feel anyone else understands? chris feels like it's his fault she's gone and his fault matty's lost her, n matty's like lmao it's jill she never did anything she didn't want to do!!! it isn't ur fault!!!!

they kind of fall in love by accident? and their love is massively shaped both by jill's presence in their lives AND by her absence; they fall in love with the way the other loved jill first, and then with each other as people not long after lmao. they both feel super guilty abt having these feelings too!!! chris is like i killed her and now i'm trying to steal the woman she used to call her wife and matty's like she's dead and now i'm moving on with her best friend, i'm evil. it's all very dramatic

they do work things out tho. and they get married like. literally 2 months before re5. it's a beautiful ceremony n they both rly wish jill was there for it lmao but yeah. they're happy!!! they're in love!!!! they're talking abt having kids together, which for matty is a big deal, because she was a teen mom and gave up her kid for adoption (something previously she'd only talked about with jill)

AND THEN RE5 HAPPENS AND JILL TURNS OUT TO BE ALIVE AND THINGS GET MUCH MORE COMPLICATED!!!!

really. so much more complicated. once she’s herself again, jill starts talking abt going home to matty, and chris is so like. oh my god what do i do. oh my god i’m married to her girlfriend she’s going to hate me. oh my god i’m so glad she’s alive but we are so screwed

lmao she comes home and it’s been three years and matty doesn’t live in the apartment they shared anymore and she’s a married woman now and the next few months are just. very awkward and confusing for everybody involved? jill still loves matty and matty still loves jill but she also loves chris, who loves them both, and none of them know how to act lmao. chris talks once abt stepping back to let them be together and matty nearly brains him on the nearest hard surface she’s so mad.

matty, turning up at @denerims cassie’s house: WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT EVEN ARE MY OPTIONS HERE DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME AND LEAVE THE COUNTRY

anyway. eventually they do work it out. matty kind of preliminarily remains married to chris while also dating jill (consensually, everyone involved knows) and then uhhh jill eventually realises she loves chris too lmao and they all get drunk and hook up once and from then on it’s sorted. they are a package deal. they also eventually have a private lil ceremony where they all exchange rings w each other lmao they’re so in love it’s disgusting

and yeah. i still haven’t played village so idk whats going on w them by that point except they probably have a kid or two??? the end SHKDKD im so soz this is so long