#eats this fic up tho i've read it so many times already. it's only been like. 2 days

[ooowyn]

I was recommended @virahaus's fic Obi-Two and I have not stopped thinking about it since, I want more so bad LMAO pls go read it!!!!!!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/42717870

[softandsourcream]

Stop, you’re losing me~ - two

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pairing: idol! yoongi x vet!f reader.

Words: 8,5k

genre(s): angst, hurt- comfort, slow burn, fluff, smut (+18) (not this one tho)

au(s): childhood friends - to lovers, idol yoongi, normal vet reader, entertainment industry, denial and resentment.

Episode warnings: complicated relationship with food, description of diseases, curse words, family drama, grief, loss of loved ones, damaged mental health, a LOT of struggling.

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IMPORTANT: this fic contains a lot of sensitive topics touched upon explicitly. Please, if any of the tags trigger something in you, stop reading. You are more important, and there is much more content you can consume here. Take care please! ♡

enjoy!

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main masterlist

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“Y/N, honey~”

Okay, wait. Here. It was from here where you remembered.

 

You were at home, in the bed that was almost yours. You cry just for that, under your sheets. Lucky you could remain silent; it was almost an empty cry at that point. Automatically, you were crying because that’s what you have to do.

You were exhausted. And you remembered having a bad feeling about all that situation.

“Not ready~”

“It's been a week.” Your mom closed the door, gently sitting on your bed and touching your back with a care that made you cry more. You were already drowning. “Did you think about a therapist yet?”

No. For a lot of things.

 

The first and most important is that you were already starting to improve a week ago. You haven't felt this miserable in months now, almost three. You had started to get up, eat better, and cry less. You talked, you walked, you wanted to laugh, to go out, to go back to work. Everything was fine. You didn't need a therapist.

Oh well, you did. At least you thought about going to one when you were already feeling better. You had the energy to want to be well and for this not to happen. Because the second was that now you didn't have the energy to try to lift yourself up in every way possible.

It was too heavy. But why. Why else would you have relapsed?

“How can you all be so… fine about it.” It wasn't retaliation, because everyone in that house was like that at the time, but you seemed to be the only one still there, and that frustrated you so much that it made things worse.

“We’re not.” You know. “We just know how to-“

“Live with the pain.” You end the sentence, revealing your face slowly to your mother. She looked tired and worried, but she still looked at you with love.

She brushed your hair out of your face, sighing and wiping away your tears softly. It was the only look of pity that you didn’t hate. You allowed it because you didn't have the heart to tell her that it bothered you. She was a mother; she couldn't help it.

“Your brother always told me to take care of you once he died.” She nodded, starting to cry. You haven't seen her cry in a long time. “He assured me that even if I were his mother, I would be able to understand it sooner and miss him differently than you. It's questionable, but that’s what he thought.” She took a breath, as if she had suddenly forgotten to breathe. What was he thinking when he said something like that to a mother? Many times you thought that Kija had no brains to boast about.

"'Don't let her die like this too.' " She quoted, “ ‘If I see her, whatever I end up to, I'm gonna hit her until she comes back to life." I’ll never forget how he told me that.” You smile a little. He also told you that in person days before.

“I've been remembering that non-stop all these months, but I realized that in the end, Y/N, I can't help you if you don't. Not because I don't want to; it's because I'm human, and I don't do miracles, honey.” You nodded like that didn’t hurt you, just because it was true. ��I came here to let you know that we love you, we understand, and that if maybe I can’t do anything more for you, if you have a plan, I will always be here for you to help. It’s up to you from here, but you’re not alone.”

He prepared you for his death; everybody knows, what you were doing.

Why now. You were starting to make friends with the feeling that you were fine. You were in that stage of grief that isn’t too tragic.

What might have made you remember the loss as a thing in your life?

Of fucking course.

It took three days for you to use your little desire to continue like this and do something about it. Seun opened his eyes when he saw you entering the kitchen at breakfast, watching your movements cautiously.

“Where’s everybody.”

He blinks, chewing the cereal that was left in his mouth.

“All of them are in school; the rest of them are working.”

“What are you doing here, then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You still live at your parent's house without working? At 28?” He smiles. You were making fun of yourself as you said your age instead of his. He continued eating, calmer. “Embarrassing.”

“Guilty.” He says. “I needed the time, though. Things have been complicated lately.”

You looked at each other, and you thanked him for the gesture with your gaze, taking out a cup to make yourself some tea. Seun worked in Seoul. You didn't see him much, but he had been traveling home very often to see how everyone was doing in general after what happened, to see Jae too, and to be with his family more. Paradoxically, he was a lawyer, a very good and serious one, exaggeratedly contrary to what you were seeing right now, who wore a horrible duck shirt that he had worn as pajamas for as long as you can remember and always left at home, eating colored cereals in the bowl of one of your younger brothers.

When you went, nothing really belonged to you; all your things were already in your respective houses, but there was always room for you. Seun, being the second oldest, had left his room empty a long time ago, but he wore clothes that he had left in case he went.

Being there was like going back in time; you had taken your mother's clothes because you didn't go out much, and the ones you had there were no longer to your taste. The noises in the morning, hearing your mother sing from the kitchen, and seeing how they still danced together from time to time

It was nice.

You ended up eating the remains of yesterday's dinner with him at the inn, in silence. It was difficult for you to eat while like this; it was as if something in your chest prevented you from feeling any kind of human need. You left half the plate, and Seun after seeing that, took a breath.

“Eat that, and I’ll give you a prize.”

"Uh~ surprise me.”

You settled into the chair, ready to really listen to whatever it was. Seun was… you know.

“Dad asked me to take care of the garden outside.”

You frowned deeply, and you laughed because he was serious. “Great. Like when you were seventeen. I woke up with you complaining about it.” He made a face. “How would that be a prize?”

“It’s kind of fun, though. How about you come with me, hm? You don't have to do anything; eat that and just get some sun.

You didn’t eat it. But you go out still.

 

You didn’t even get dressed; you were still in pajamas, sitting on the grass, watching your brother cut leaves to shape bushes. Your father still took great care of that place; you could see that it was even better than before. He quite enjoyed it. You used to sit and look at him this way when you were younger.

“Didn’t know this could be emotional for you. You’re unbelievable.”

You laughed, wiping away your tears. It was stupid; you felt better, honestly.

“Sorry.”

“Sure.” He reached out to place a flower in your hair. It was small, white, the ones that fell from the tree that was right in the middle of everything. You smiled.

“How are you?”

“Better” you were, at least right now.

"Why did you get up today? What’s the occasion, hm?"

He walked away, beginning to pick up the remains on the floor. He was done.

“I just don’t want to feel terrible today.”

“Exiting.” He says this, stretching his back. “You know how hard it’s to force yourself to do that, kid? I am very happy to see you today. It's so brave of you. I'm serious.” It gave you a chill; you weren't used to hearing him talk like that. You simply nodded. “Here.” He gave you another flower; you play with it in your hands. “I'm going in to make lunch; are you coming with me? I can call you when it’s ready.

"No, I'm going to stay here."

Because it was quiet, you heard birds, and it didn't feel like your bed. You were a little desperate when your mother told you to go outside because you would feel better. The last thing you wanted was to get up, but you also hated that she was right.

You didn't open your eyes until you heard a noise that scared you, and it was almost bizarre to see Yoongi, standing with a garbage bag in his hand, looking at you without knowing what to do, giving all meaning to your search for triggers.

 

You blink. Maybe you were hallucinating.

 

Your gardens were together. His family hasn’t moved in all these years. The only thing you knew was that it was their property now, not like yours, which still rented the place. It had more floors than it used to, and instead of having old red wood walls like it used to, it was white and pretty. Yoongi had made sure that his family lived well. Many years ago, the house had been in constant repair; inside, it must have looked different too, but its patios still had no division.

Because they were neighbors, best friends, and family, sometimes they got together right there; why separate it? If they completely trusted each other, they could see each other more that way.

 

Why was Yoongi still in Daegu.

 

You couldn't find enough reasons for him to still be there. He must have been very busy doing his things, far, far from there, far from you.

And it was overwhelming to see him in that garden where you once saw him. It was difficult for you to make yourself believe that this person brought back that ugly feeling of looking like a lost cat.

You touch your chest.

He bowed. You had to cover the sun with one hand to be able to look at him better, and respond in the same way.

“You’re still here.” You say it quietly. 

Yoongi had those eyes, unkind ones. 

That and a sleepy look. He had always had them. If you hadn't known him since forever, you were sure that you would never have spoken to him, and if he did, you wouldn’t feel like speaking to him or maintaining any type of contact with him just because of his look. It was heavy, as if he was constantly having the worst time of his life, but by nature. His father had the same eyes and the same attitude; they communicated nothing with their expressions. At least that was what you knew—what you had stuck with.

But he looked at you in a way you didn't understand right now. That was one thing you didn't understand about the new Yoongi. Before, you used to catch him better because, although he expressed nothing with his eyes, you were the only one who could know how; you could read him in a certain way, and now he was just strange.

Softer. Almost warm but intimidating.

“Hm.” He didn’t move. “What are you doing, Park?" It was a mocking question, almost as if your brother had asked it, but with less emotion and coming from him, of course.

“Sunbathe.” You look dumb trying to look at him. The sun wouldn't let you. “It’s healthy from time to time," he tilted his head. “You need a little bit too. You’re too pale.”

He smirks, looking away, almost like taking the courage to ask. “Can I sit there, then?”

You analyzed the space with your eyes narrowed because you were trying to identify the natural division that existed between his patio and yours. Right on the floor, a few meters from you, there was a fairly thin cement line that divided the two spaces. You pointed your finger at it, moving a little closer so he could see it.

“Don't cross that line, and you'll be fine.”

Yoongi also squinted his eyes, looking at what could barely be seen on the ground. It took him a few seconds, but he managed to spot it and neutralize his gaze, lowering the hand he was using to block the sun coming from above. He snorted before approaching in silence.

You had forgotten what he looked like, and you wanted to say that during the day, with the sun on his face and casual, white clothes, he looked even better. He glows, and you want to punch him in the face.

“You don't fit in here anymore.” You said it simply. He leaned on his hands, leaning his body back, understanding that you didn't mean it with bad intentions. It was simply an observation, but he still didn't quite understand it.

“What do you mean?”

“Here, in Daegu.” He loses his eyes. “You look... expensive.”

You made him laugh unintentionally. Genuinely, he even sat properly so he could look at you. You were facing each other, a considerable distance away, divided by a line of asphalt covered by grass, but there it was.

“What?” That question makes you feel stupid.

“I don’t know, just- you look like you belong to another place. Too handsome and well dressed to be here.

“Ah~ handsome, huh?”

“Yes, Yoongi, too handsome.” It was a fact; he wasn’t stupid. He knows he’s attractive. You played with the flower between your fingers, feeling your heart begin to pound. You didn't even know why; you were sure he knew it wasn't his intention. You heard him laugh again. “You know what I mean.”

At least, you hope so.

“Maybe I don’t belong here anymore.” He says. When you looked up, he was playing with the grass between his fingers. “I don't feel welcome, either.”

“What are you doing here, then.”

He looked at you from there, raised his eyes for a few seconds, then closed them again. “I want to spend time with my family before enlisting. Hyung it’s going on his honeymoon in a few days, and... well, I'm running out of time.”

You had forgotten that.

You had to fight a lot not to ask when he was leaving, because it was two years, and although you hadn't seen him ten years ago, in a way you also had him constantly in your face, always. Now you wouldn't see him at all.

It was none of your business; why would you ask?

“That’s good.”

“You’re still living in he-?”

“Y/N, honey, hello. I thought you had returned to Busan since I didn't see you leave the house. You look tired; are you okay?”

You jumped for that.

“Hello, Mrs. Min. I’m, thank you.”

You had always been surprised by how intimidating that woman seemed to you and how much she loved you. She seemed more loving right now; maybe her age had made her softer, but in her younger days, every time she spoke to you, it was terrible for you. She always spoke to you as if she were making fun of you, with the most beautiful voice you had ever heard and the most studied words there were for a cordial conversation. Over time, you learned that it was genuine happiness, like right now.

“Then why-“

“Mom.” Yoongi stops her, and you realize.

You looked bad, perhaps unstable enough if it was at first glance. You did look tired; you hadn't slept well in months; you were still in your pajamas; and your hair was tied up. You hoped it wouldn't matter to you; you wish it were that way.

You had a flower on your head, at least.

“It's okay.” You told him, more for him than for her, and he looked at you, remaining silent for a few seconds. When you heard the woman's voice again, you were still sharing a look, surprisingly.

“Sorry. I was about to go to your house. I know your mom's working, but Seun it’s at home, isn’t he?” You finally looked at her and nodded, smiling slightly at her.

“Yeah.” It was weird, almost like she was checking to make sure you weren't alone. “Do you want me to leave her a message, Mrs. Min?”

“Oh no! It’s okay. I'll go tonight, but also," you take a deep breath. “It was just to invite you all to dinner tomorrow. Jae will be leaving in a few days, and the rest of his time will be spent with friends, so we can have dinner as a family.”

“I- don’t know. I’ll ask them-“

“I'm telling you, honey.” And you wish she didn’t. “Would you like to come? I know… You've had a tough time, and in the whole year you've been here, I've only seen you twice. We want to help.”

There it is. And just because you wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, you smiled slightly and nodded. You only had those types of reactions at the beginning, when the topic was mentioned. You hate to have them again now. It was directly a discomfort that made you want to sink into the ground because it made you cry instantly and peel off your skin in one go. It was extremely uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want. Just think about it, okay?”

You said your goodbyes; she kissed your forehead and left, leaving you two alone again in an awkward silence. Yoongi didn't have pity in his eyes now, but it was as if he had been reminded of something he had done wrong.

“I can tell them you couldn’t make it.”

“No need to.” You tore up the grass by a handful. Why did everyone think you couldn't do anything for yourself? “I will go. I miss your father's cooking.”

“Okay.” Another silence. “I’m sorry about that. She doesn't have any bad intentions; she cares. She doesn't even treat me the way she treats you."

You smiled a little, and for some reason, your heart started to beat less hard. Just as fast, but it didn't make you want to die. And you didn't like that.

“No problems.” You say, getting up. "It looks like I do fit in here anyway.” You shook yourself for nothing exactly; it was just to feel less uncomfortable as he watched your movements, and you looked at him as you walked to the entrance of your house. He had a lopsided smile, soft eyes, and the flower Seun had given you between his fingers. “you still have twenty minutes left.”

He smiled at you, knowing that you were running away. Still, he didn't stop you.

 

That was one. The next one was a little less exciting.

 

—

You weren’t an events' person.

Not because you felt too bad to attend social things; in fact, you had discovered that it was very efficient at not making you think too much. Being alone was the worst thing you could do, but you didn't like going. It felt almost like a charity event since Kija died; at least that's how it felt. Seun told you it wasn't like that at all, but you feel like it.

Like a charity object.

 

They give you extra food, extra attention, extra compliments, and the comfiest chair. And it was nice sometimes, but today you didn’t want that to happen.

"So... you want the red one or the purple one?” You held them both up, showing them to your sister in the mirror.

“What do you think?”

“I think… I like the purple one.” She didn't seem to like your decision, so you had to convince her. “ Look, it has flowers and sparkles inside. “You’ll look cool, don’t you think?”

“But it doesn't match my outfit~” Hyunji whines, and you smile, pushing away the purple hair tie to comb her hair into a ponytail again. You'd end up convincing her anyway.

“What do you mean? You have purple here.” On her shirt. It was yellow on its own, but it had purple bubbles, and even though the basic style doesn’t work like that, it seemed to make sense to her child's brain.

“You’re right… Okay!” She says, playing with her doll again.

Living with children always makes you wish life was that easy sometimes.

Hyunji has a twin too. It was because your father was a twin of another; the gene was there. They were the youngest in the family, and you had been combing their hair all year. It was complicated because every time they did it, they were together, and they reminded you of the dynamic you had had with Kija your whole life.

At that point, it didn't hurt you so much anymore. The first few times, it had been complicated for you to see, but now the other twin was in the other room, and she had no one else to talk to other than her doll. Nara, your other sister, enters the room.

“You’ll go?” You were dressed.

"Uh-hu,” you responded, checking that everything was in order in the mirror. 

“Yoongi will be there.”

"I know." You spoke with the purple garter between your teeth, so your voice came out funny. “Are you going?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Yoongi will be there.” She rolled her eyes as she turned to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub, leaning against the wall. You laughed softly.

“Not you too.”

Nara wasn't particularly a fan of his group, at least not at first. Since you hadn't been paying much attention, you didn't really know what the story was like, but apparently, she was starting to listen to them recently, and she genuinely didn't believe that this was the Yoongi she remembered. Now all her siblings were bothering her for refusing to do so.

“I didn’t know! Stop. It's almost overwhelming to see him leave the house sometimes. Last week, I met him twice! Here! In this town, Y/N! He looks like-“

“He doesn't belong in here.” You mumbled, and Nara nodded at you, wrinkling her nose. 

“Nothing good ever happens here; this is too much for me.”

And for you too. But you didn’t say that out loud.

“Go on, kid. Call your sister.” Hyunji thanked you and ran off to find the other twin. You stretched your back.

“Can you tell me what happened between you two?” You scoff, sorting out the chaos you had made to find the purple ribbon in the box your mother had for them.

“Why do you want to know? It’s not that exciting.”

“There's no way.” She got comfortable, almost as if emphasizing her words. “Everybody in this family knows it's something happening to him and you, but nobody asked because they say you stopped crying about it like yesterday.” You laughed at the exaggeration. "Tell me."

“Well.” You took Ara, the other girl who had already been talking about how she wanted her hair, to sit her in the chair that you had placed on the sink counter, so you could see them better. Your mother always did it, and you didn't understand why. It was too unsafe. "The same thing as your sister?”

"No! I want them... like this.” She held up two fingers to you, and you nodded, wetting his hair and carefully untangling it. Ara liked to wear her hair long, so it took you longer, and you were already starting to get tired.

“We were friends, best friends, and things ended. That's all."

It took a second for the teen to sigh and start complaining about how little information you had given her. But you didn't like to talk about it. Not because you couldn't, but because it was something you already had behind you, very far behind. You didn't feel like it was any use to you to talk to anyone about it.

“Did you two kiss at least?"

“Yeah, we did."

Now, she looks excited.

“So you two date!”

“No. We didn’t.”

“Hm, date, but didn’t formalize anything?”

“No.”

“Friends with benefits?”

 

“Hm~ no.”

 

“Fuckbuddys?”

“Jesus Nara. How old are you? Twelve?”

She rolled her eyes, briefly looking at her cell phone”

"Haha. Why are you responding like Seun now? Don't do that; we have more than enough with one.” You responded to something the youngest was telling you, and you handed her a jar of cotton balls that she was asking for. “And I'm seventeen. “So you can tell me if you two were only fu-”

"Well, she, right here it's seven, Nara. So don’t say that ever again.” You saw her grimace in the mirror. “And we were friends. Best friends. Friends don’t- yeah.”

At least that’s what he told you. That you were friends.

“Friends don’t kiss either.”

And you told him that, too.

“I know.”

“Hm.” It seemed as if she didn't want to ask more, perhaps knowing that with the background she had, nothing could end well.

“I’m okay, though. I don't see the need to talk about it now. Yes, I suffered a lot because of it, but that's it; things are the way they are now.”

You had even realized that being around him didn't affect you like you thought. On the day of your wedding, you were sensitive; you knew it; you were predisposed to have a bad time. Now that you are at home with your family, what could go wrong?

“Do you plan to go dressed like that, then?”

“Hm?” You looked at yourself in the mirror in front of you, starting your sister's last ponytail. “What's wrong with it?”

“You’re kidding? You’re literally using mom's clothes.”

Yes, but because yours doesn’t fit in with you like they used to.

“I think it's pretty.” You defend yourself, but not really, finishing your job and taking the creature down from the inn. You heard her say thank you as Nara took your arm. "What-“

“Y/N, I won't allow you to go see your celebrity-famous ex dressed like that, without makeup and wearing ladies' shoes. You even did your hair! Come here.”

“He’s not-“

“Yes, wherever.”

She ended up dressing you in your clothes. Nice clothes of yours that you haven't worn in a while, but they made you feel pretty. Then she tried to do your makeup herself, but you knew how to do it yourself, so you ended up giving in. Your mother scolded them because they were late, and Nara left home with a smile on her face.

 

And you look beautiful. Yoongi thinks that when he saw you enter the house with one tween in your arms and a baby blue cardigan on you,

Of course, you were wearing baby blue.

“Do you think Seun will hit me in the face tonight if he gets drunk enough?” Yoongi asked his brother, receiving the beer he offered him. They could stop by to say hello later. The Parks had always been a lot of people; they had time to greet their parents first. Eun snorts before Jae can say anything.

“He doesn’t have to get drunk for that. You’re currently hurting the two people who matter most to him just by your existence. What do you think will happen?"

He agreed with a gesture, opening the bottle and taking a long drink. Yoongi didn't really like beer, but he would need it today.

“Well, I think,” Jae emphasized himself, shoving another beer into Yoongi's chest for him to hold. He was pulling out some to offer, he assumed. “that you can always talk to them to make them understand. Just like you did with the two of us.”

Make them understand. The problem was that neither of you seemed open to listening, which was fine, but oh well.

Yoongi had taken it upon himself all those days to fix as much as he could in that stretch of time. He had a different way of thinking and handling things, and he was too old to have unresolved issues. He didn't know if it was because he had time before he left or because Daegu and his house, his parents, and the streets where he walked for so long, dragging a useless dream, brought his emotions to the surface.

With you, it was different because he saw you, and it was difficult for him to remember all that he did wrong.

He had been thinking. Enough to have him overwhelmed in so few days, and while apologizing to Eun, for example, for having been so absent in her and her brother's lives, or to his parents, for... exactly the same thing, he saw you, and he knew that it wasn't just him who had to ask for forgiveness.

“They’re good at listening and apologizing for things they have done before. You're a lucky bastard to have to apologize to the most understanding people on earth.”

Eun had found it difficult to forgive him. She spent maybe a week talking to him, thinking about it, talking about it with Jae, and coming to the conclusion that, in fact, he had changed a lot and had given him an opportunity that he was sure he could fulfill. Yoongi was genuinely in another stage of his life, but having things to take care of was exhausting.

He realized more things that night at dinner as well. He didn't know the youngest members of the family, but they turned out to be quite shy compared to all of you, and talking to your family in general was quite easy. Not only that, but he didn't feel strange, out of place, or treated differently for who he was now; catching up with your parents and siblings was nice. Yoongi felt good”

“I would love to, Mr. Park, but I um, I return to Seoul tomorrow. I have commitments there before I leave for service.”

Nara had her birthday in a few days, and they were going to throw her a party. They were inviting Yoongi. He didn't know why his throat hurt from saying no lately. He was never a complacent person.

“Tomorrow? That soon? Will you enlist soon?”

It was impressive how those had been the first words Seun had spoken to Yoongi all night.

“No, it’s- not about that. I have work stuff. recording and practice.”

After that, he started answering questions about his life, which wasn't necessarily a bother. It was okay; he knew your family didn't have bad intentions either. He noticed it.

He also noticed that you barely touched your food.

“Can we talk?” You asked him when you were clearing up the dishes in the kitchen. ‘Sure’ and you took him outside because there was too much noise inside.

"So... you return to Seoul tomorrow."

You look disturbed, but he doesn’t hurry you.

“Hm.” He responded in affirmation. “My last concert is soon, and I have things to take care of before that.”

“Awesome.” 

You look untouched by the situation. By everything. As if you were there by protocol. You hadn't laughed genuinely all night; you just smiled and responded kindly, briefly at that, knowing how much you liked to talk.

He didn't want to say that it had to affect you, but it was as if you had no reaction in your body. Quite the opposite of when he saw you at marriage, where you were with all your feelings on the surface. And he was worried. He has no right to be, though.

“I thought you missed my father’s food.” He tries, and you look confused at him.

“I did it.”

“You barely touch it.”

“Well, that’s none of your business.”

Oh, well.

You covered your face. Yoongi heard you sigh.

“Sorry.” You say.

He nodded, calm. At least trying.

“Didn’t mean to be disrespectful, either. It’s okay.”

Then he waited.

Enough. It was almost ten minutes of pure silence in which you thought about what you would say, and he smoked because you made him nervous and made him want to be doing anything but being aware that you were there.

"Okay," you say. Your words sounded loose. As if you were complaining about something. “Before seeing you that day, at the wedding," you start. “I was fine. I was feeling okay. I was- eating very well, I was starting to go out more, and I had this... silly feeling in my chest that maybe this situation wouldn't mean the end of my days, my life, and that I could do things by myself.”

Yoongi settled back in his place, attentive. It was just that he didn't understand, but he wanted to.

“I knew you would be there.”

“Yeah. Jae, he mentioned something to me.” After the weeding, of course. He would’ve liked to know that, too.

“Yes. So I mentally prepared myself for that, to see you, because it affects me to do so, and I thought I had handled it well that day. It didn't add up to me, because I spent weeks thinking about it and preparing myself for things that didn't happen and would have made everything much worse. I felt bad again, and I started to think a lot about... everything. About Kidja's death and what would happen to me without him in my life. It wasn't even about you. I had gone back to my beginning of grief, Yoongi. And I didn't understand why all the effort I had made to be well was gone so suddenly.”

He blinks. A lot of times.

“I’m- not understanding.“

“I have this theory.” Okay. “When you left, I had this same reaction. I don't really want to compare them because they are different in very big ways, but it reminded me of a lot of things, and seeing you there... I wanted to ask you not to leave. Not again, not like everyone has done it recently, so I can feel better.” His heart was a mess; this information was too much. “And it's stupid, because I don't know you, and I can't trust you, and the fact that you're here does me any good.”

“Y/N.” He insisted.

“I just want to put an end to this.” He could swear you were shaking. “Forever.”

Yoongi's head was going very fast; he felt somewhere else, something surreal. He had lived peacefully for a long time; his heart almost burst out when he heard you say a few more things, like you didn't blame him for anything, but you needed to know that he wouldn't be there anymore, and when you wished him a good life, he went a little crazy because you were leaving.

“Wait!” He was in a rush for some reason. “Just like that? May I… apologize for everything at least?”

He saw how many things went through your head, and he was desperate not to be able to know what. You took your distance before you talked.

“Yoongi, I don’t care.”

Now he was mad. You were acting like a child; resentment was speaking for you. He didn't blame you, at least not entirely, because he knew you were smarter than this. You had more valid, more accurate, and even stronger answers, but you were deciding to run away.

That wasn't what really bothered Yoongi, but the fact that you didn't tell him directly, like you would.

“If you want to live, then do it. But give me a voice too; I'm involved too.”

You snorted and crossed your arms to look at him with a smile on your face.

His blood boiled.

“You know what? Forget it. Have a good night.”

“Oh fantastic.” You move fast, getting closer to his garden but staying on the other side of the small line that divides it. Yoongi stopped, now not willing to listen to anything, nor to say anything constructive, really. “So you’re mad now?”

“It’s just—you're so stubborn! I’m trying to do something here!”

“And what do you want me to do, Yoongi?! Hug you and dry your fucking celebrity tears and tell you that the fact that you broke my heart like it wasn’t a big deal was okay? Oh, so now you want to be involved. You’re living tomorrow! And you want to fix things now? Shut up. You’re doing the exact same thing you did when you left.”

Your voice broke off as you swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat. Yoongi sighed, closing his eyes.

“We both did things wrong; I just wanted to talk about it before… that's all.”

“Everyone suddenly wants to talk about it.” It wasn't cold outside. Daegu wasn't a cold place, but you hugged yourself and cringed as if it were. “Everyone asks me what happened between us and why we stopped talking. Your father apologized to me in your place today too; he told me that whatever happened, he hoped we could fix it.”

Yes, I had told him that too, since it happened years ago, honestly.

“But I don't see any sense in it. Why talk about something that is already broken? Why do you insist? I just want to close this, okay? It was already dead; leave it like this.”

Yoongi took a moment, because it was true. But you look too real in front of him, and that makes him weak.

“So we can heal, can't we? That’s why you are doing this.” Your eyes look at him. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I had no choice.”

"Yes, you did.” You cut him off. “Do things right, or do things wrong. Those were your options. And you chose.”

Because you had always understood that he was leaving and that Yoongi had bigger things to do outside that place, and you were happy about that, but he didn't tell you until one day before he left forever.

He was completely blinded by having signed recently, by having an opportunity, by doing what he liked, and by the promises that were being made to him. Leaving everything behind, his parents, who did not believe in him, his "friends” who constantly told him that he would not make it, in that place that hurt him so much only excited him.

And unfortunately, you found yourself involved just by being part of that place.

“I know. And I’m really sorry.” You closed your eyes, and you denied it slightly. As if you didn't want to hear those words. “I understand that I made a mistake back then; I was young and dumb, and I- didn’t- I’m not the same person right now. I’m really sorry. I mean it.” 

So... insignificant.

“Why.” And that was the question he didn’t want to hear. “So you can feel better about yourself, or because you're doing me a favor? Why now, Yoongi. If you hadn't seen me that day at the wedding, would you have traveled all the way here just to apologize before you left?”

No. The answer was no.

It wasn't something Yoongi thought about much. In all those years, he had convinced himself that he had done what he had done because sometimes in life, you have to be selfish to prioritize your well-being as a person. To put himself first over others because he had a dream, and fulfilling it meant sacrifices.

He hadn't done anything wrong, you know?

Now he apologized only because he saw you sick, and he felt guilty because he knew that it had affected you more than him. He was stupid because he blindly believed that the fact that he apologized would mean something less in your life, even if he didn't know how important you were to the whole thing itself. And you were sad and depressed, and you had big dark circles in your eyes, and you weren't eating well. You didn't really smile, you had a hard time getting up, and he hadn't seen you leave the house even once in all the time you had been there.

 

He felt responsible.

 

He did it because it left him and only him clean. He was being selfish.

He kept quiet. He wouldn't admit it out loud. 

“I spent nine years of my life on pause waiting for you to care enough to come back to this damn city, so we could fix things. To talk about it. But that was nine years ago, and it’s a little too late right now.”

"I'm,” he stops, getting close to you, pressing his words in his throat so as not to have to raise his voice. “apologizing.”

“Well, you’re not forgiven.” He tense.

“For something I made when I was a teen? I don’t know, but you made some dumb shit back then too.

You kept quiet about that. It was true.

“You don’t seem to mind too much, though.”

“And what do you know about how I feel?”

Because maybe the fact that it didn't stop his life completely was something, but ignoring it didn't mean that it didn't hurt him either.

“Nothing.” A whisper. “I just- I don’t know, okay? But that stupid thing you did as a teen still hurts me and haunts me to this day, and you- I continued to believe that you would have the decency to come to my twin’s funeral. it’s- all that, everything, that’s just my fault.” You firmly acknowledged it. “But I would’ve to be so stupid to believe that you are still that person, because people change, and we were very young, and that’s fine, but Yoongi.” You touch his chest, or at least you had the intention because you didn't get to do it. You stopped and backed away a little. “The problem here is that you still don't care enough. You didn't even want to come here of your own free will... And that's fine, but don't come and- try to talk to me as if that were the case. 

Your eyes soften, and so do Yoongi’s, because you do that when you want to cry.

When you cry, you’re completely harmless; that’s what he knows. If you cry out of anger, happiness, or even just empathy, any emotion automatically transforms into sadness. You leave yourself vulnerable; that's why you didn't allow it in arguments; it was losing instantly. 

So you put yourself back together. 

“That's fucked up, Min, and I don't need to forgive you to live in peace; I don’t want this; I don’t need your apologies; I don’t want to have any kind of contact with you because I don’t want you in my life anymore.”

“Then why are you still here?"

He can smell your perfume from how close you two are to each other now.

 

So he realizes.

 

It was difficult for him to have you so close. Because he felt the heat of your body, and your breathing was agitated. He remembered the touch from when he touched you at the wedding and squeezed his hand so as not to claim it again. His eyes traveled to your lips accidentally, twice trying to stop them without success, nor to his body as he moved forward, seeking to kiss you directly. He stops himself with all the strength he had and a little more, but you didn't move either.

You were both too dazed, feeling the tension in the air. As Yoongi looked at your lips again, this time closer to you, as you licked yours, trying to feel something. He breathed hard, like a bull, feeling almost dizzy. Yoongi had never wanted something so much in his life, and you weren't helping.

You looked down too, raising big eyes to the level of his before whispering, ever so slightly, to answer his question, and Yoongi couldn't believe you existed, looking like this.

He was fucked up.

“I still have a lot of appreciation for you, Yoongi.” You say. “And I respect you enough to do things right.” He closes his eyes when you distance yourself. There was nothing more to do. “I'm still here, but doing all this, doing things you don't want to do, lying to yourself, lying to me?... you're losing me.” 

His eyes were wide open. You looked at him with sadness because you were crying. 

“Leave it as it is, and keep the small part of me you still have with you. Because if you keep trying, I’m gone.” 

And maybe that was what you both needed. A closure, a proper goodbye.

 

The problem was that neither of you had said goodbye, technically.

-

Big big brother, lovely and always available, Seun 💪🏻 - 1:32

‘How is it?’

‘Spooky?’

1:40

‘u’re allergic to dust, kid. You need a hand? 👋🏻👋🏻’

There were so many things you regretted in life.

One of them was to regain the closeness you had with Seun having so many brothers to choose from. Because he was sweet, yes. Maybe if you didn't have him there (knowing that you often live in fear of losing the people you love, it was very clear to you), you would miss him a lot, but he could be very annoying at times.

Don't judge yourself by the contact name by the way. He had set himself up that way, and every time you tried to change him, he found a way to make it longer.

You - 1:41

‘Sure, want you here in ten minutes.’

Big big brother, lovely and always available, Seun 💪🏻 - 1:43

‘Don't tempt meee’

‘You know I’m crazy, right?’

You stopped him immediately, telling him that you were fine, that everything looked fine, and that he shouldn't worry.

It was a two-hour trip. And it wasn't a lie that you were okay.

Moving to Busan was your idea; maybe two years before Kija relapsed and got sick, he wouldn't stop getting worse. He followed you with nothing in mind because, unlike you, he hadn’t been able to study anything. His health was weak, and that weakened his mind as well.

You wanted to get him out of that mentality, to meet people, to go out, and perhaps to look for a job that would help him understand that he could do things well. And you did it, or, well, he did. You didn't see much of the many people he had plans with; he worked in a café near your apartment that was still there; they had even remodeled it. He had a boyfriend, money; you two were together, you always laughed.

It was when you began to set up your clinic (because that was what you had gone to Busan for, aside) in the city that he began to cough very lightly, almost like a cold, and when you took him to see the place where you would start to build your first dream, he passed out at night when they were trying to clean the place. After that, he didn't stop coughing until that same cough took his breath away completely.

You thought he would get better, he looked weak but fine. He talked, he ate, and he didn't sleep as much as he does when he gets that sick. The only thing that told you that he was really struggling was the blood in his cough and that sometimes, when he got up to go to the bathroom, he would call you out of breath because just getting out of bed was too much for him. He was in serious condition, but you didn't think you would have him with you for so little time.

“Open that thing, Y/N. You have everything you need. You’re smart, you’re pretty, and your lungs work wonderfully. Sorry you don’t have any excuses.”

He spent the last days of his life there, in that apartment that you didn't want to return to, because now your whole family wasn't sleeping on the floor, nor was your mother's voice singing to him while everyone was sleeping, and he couldn't do it because the pain was killing him slowly, nor was your father offering you help to open that damn clinic.

Kija died two days before opening it, and he swore he would be there when you did. You believed him.

The door to his room was closed now. When you came into the apartment, it smelled musty, and there were many letters on the floor that were passed under the door while you were gone. His shoes were on the shoe rack at the entrance; your mother must have forgotten them when she cleaned, so you sat there when you arrived; you weren't ready.

It was when Seun spoke to you that you decided to enter the things you were missing.

And you clean the place. You dusted, packed your things, and called the clinic to inform that you were going to return to work that week. You were the boss anyway.

Maybe it was you deceiving yourself, but the more you looked for discomfort within yourself, you couldn't find it. You thought that facing that place would be more complicated, but there you were.

In Busan, and in Busan you didn't want to die.

“I trust him.” Kija could barely speak; he was intubated and medicated, sitting right where you were now, waiting for the medication to completely wear off.

You had stopped talking about it hours ago, that was when you understood that your confession had been hanging around in his head.

‘I have been thinking about Yoongi lately. I think I'll- need him when you’re gone.’

“Text him.” He told you.

You had already told him it was impossible. You had even told him possibilities of a schedule of imaginary activities that he would have at that moment.

“Kija, forget it.”

“I trust him.” He repeated. “He’ll come. He cares about you still, I know.”

You had believed him, and you had smiled slightly at the thought of a possibility.

Now you’re disappointed. It was dimly lit, it was starting to get cold, and your hands covered your face because, wrapped in, now, a gray room, you were giving Yoongi tears for the first time in years.

And Yoongi's tears were different from Kija's. They felt old, meaningless, but they weren’t automatic.

You sob, because maybe this way you could do this the last time you cry about it.

—————————•。・. ゜・。_______________

one masterlist

—————————•。・. ゜・。_______________

taglist: @constancelayon @baechugff @wobblewobble822 @honsoolgloss @alienchickenpoop @idkjustlovingbts @jjkluver7 @cuntessaiii @baechugff @junniesoleilkth

[martianbugsbunny]

Hewwo I saw your ask captaincroc and I wonder if you've got any ideas/headcanons on ABO stuff or au's,,,,, if not or you don't like that trope then maybe for soulmate, like what kind of mark or how they know, who gets it/knows it first or the likes

Also I love thinking about them too hhhhhhhh

Luv ya mate I eat this stuff up :) Gonna stick it under a read more because it turned out to be a long post, like I said I love thinking about these guys. Plus, I know A/B/O universe isn't everyone's thing, so for those who don't partake you can just skip it, it's all chill. As you will see, I answered both parts of this because I am simply rabid for soulmates AUs and I couldn't resist.

I haven't really thought about A/B/O universe stuff for this pairing yet (which is not to say I will not ever in depth, because I like messing around with the dynamics in that kind of universe in my head even tho I've never actually written a fic for it) but like off the top of my head I 100% would steal that thing from The Miller's Daughter and have Hook pledge his firstborn child to Rumple in exchange for a magical favor, as an omega who's never been through a heat before and doesn't believe that he ever will, only for some plant on Neverland or smthn to trigger his first one and since he already made that deal, he realizes the only alpha who's an acceptable mate for him is Rumple, because if they form a bond then maybe, just maybe, Rumple will let him have visitation rights or something. Rumple agrees reluctantly, mostly because he's still working through the issues of letting Bae go, but in the end if he's going to take any resulting child from this heat from Killian, he wants it to be his child and not some random person's. Of course Rumple falls hard for him as he's staying at the castle to recuperate after his heat, but doesn't want to put himself in the vulnerable position of admitting his feelings. Rumple, being magical and because I say so, knows immediately that Hook is indeed carrying his child, and he comes up with the excuse of "well you promised this kid to me so you have to stay here until it's born so I know you're not going to try to abscond with my goods, plus it's going to be mine in the future so I need to make sure you're taking care of it for me now," and Hook buys it because when a guy will take your firstborn child in a bargain, why wouldn't he say that. He falls in love with Rumple over the next nine months, and gradually starts to see through the Dark One veneer as he realizes that Rumple's loved him the whole time, and that's why he's been so fussy (in his own weird way). After the birth (two girls, I think) Rumple stands there watching Hook cradle the babies in his arms, and he says "you know, you've technically already given me a child, after a fashion, by carrying and birthing it, I don't have to actually keep either of them, it would totally mess with my schedule for arranging the Dark Curse anyway," because he hasn't figured out yet that his feelings are reciprocated. Hook argues that a pirate is a man of his word, but suggests they make a small adjustment to the deal: I'll give you my firstborn and my second born and any other children I have because I'm giving myself to you. And they live evilly ever after lol.

As for soulmate AUs, I have already done one of the ones where each person starts to see color only because they meet their soulmate, it is possibly one of my finest works of fanfiction and I'm ridiculously proud of it, but I'm always happy to meditate on other forms of soulmate AU.

I kind of like the idea of a soulmate AU where the mark that appears on each person's skin is something that will only make sense to them once they actually know their soulmate, because that just makes it so much more complicated to actually figure out who your soulmate is. So Rumple would have an image of a sextant right above his heart, and Hook would have...his is a little harder, because Rumple didn't have many material possessions that he was really attached to, but maybe he has...herm, I'm gonna go dramatic on this one and say he has the image of the Dark Curse scroll on his wrist because as far as I can remember (and I could be wrong about this lol) it was not common knowledge that Rumple was behind the curse, I think most people just thought it was Regina, but at the very least nobody really knew why Rumple wanted it cast, so that is something Hook would have to figure out over time.

Ngl I also enjoy the idea of them in an AU where your soulmate's name is on your skin from like the moment you're born, so Rumple would have Killian Jones written on him and Hook would have Rumplestiltskin, they have antagonism of an unspecified nature (idk, maybe it's like the original except Milah only ever refers to Rumple as "the coward" or "my ex-husband" because it ruins the suspense if Hook knows) and as usual it runs all the way into the Curse and when Hook comes to Storybrooke to kill Rumple, because Hook never learned the Dark One's name, and Rumple only heard Hook referred to as "Captain" or "Captain Hook," so neither of them connected the dots. Bonus points if Hook raids Rumple's old village at least a hundred years into his magically extended lifespan, and he finds this old-ass ledger with a record of births in it, and in his infinite wisdoms doesn't realize that this guy who was born a little over a hundred years ago is the same bastard who's also been living a lot longer than he should. I just love the idea of how many narrative hoops they would have to jump through in order to not learn they were each other's soulmate until let's say the moment Hook stabs him; then he catches sight of the name Jones somewhere on Rumple's skin, maybe on his collarbone where people normally wouldn't see it, but he just got stabbed so his shirt has shifted, and of course Hook knows it's himself, but he has to confirm, so he none-too-gently shreds more of Rumple's shirt and yep, there it is, Killian Jones. And then Hook turns right round and decides you know what, I've spent most of my life believing my soulmate lived and died ages before I existed, I'm not going to let him die now even if he is the Dark One, and he fights with the heroes against Cora and he definitely kills her instead of or maybe with Snow.

Thanks for the fun anon, I absolutely loved spending some time on this and I really do hope you see it bc I don't know if you can see when someone answers an anonymous ask you sent in, but tysm for the inspiration!!! Always feel free to send more asks about these guys, I love them so much, and although I don't have much time for writing fics right now, I might be able to use some of this stuff for fics when I do have time, so if there's an idea you want to try planting in my brain bc you want a fic about it, this is totally the way to do it lol.

[zepskies]

So I'm reading your Midnight Espresso fic even tho I've never seen supernatural because I love your Soldier Boy series, plus size latina reader, that's me!! And then the "shouldn't you know about latin american myths" made me roll my eyes, like I am centroamericana y no sabía, because I've only grown up around caribbeans and my only non carribean friends are mexican (and they're still puertorican) and argentine, like so many gringos really think we are a monolith, like when I visited El Salvador recently my family would look at me in shock when I used Carribean slang that is accidentally a bad word, and I think a lot about the time my abuela got in trouble for using the Spanish word for pest (which is also a lovingly used word by salvadoreans for kids) y las viejitas carribeñas were so offended because this word means "penis" in carribean spanish, to the point where for my colombian sister it's just the word for pest but she doesn't use it because she has the carribean connotation for it, whereas my mom and abuelita called me this word when I was little, so like I don't swear in spanish because of an intergenerational family curse that caused a lot of trauma and the only way to combat it was propriety, but it's the only "swear" word I will say while I'm singing along to bad bunny

Anyways this is super off point, and I don't know how I got to this point (the long story telling in many stages is a salvadorean gene like the way uncle colm from Derry Girls tells stories), but I love your writing, and found the "I'm cuban, not guatemalan" line to be funny because yeah while speaking spanish with different people I gotta take off my "proxy carribean" hat or my "centroamericana" hat

Hola, mi amor!! 😘

First of all, thank you for reading "Midnight Espresso"! That one is very special to me, being a plus-sized Latina myself. 🌶️💅🏽

I'm also working on a Part 2 to that fic, tentatively titled "Shall We Dance." 😉

But getting into your actual comments below:

It's pretty hilarious how often I've gotten asked if I'm [insert brown ethnicity here]. Believe me, it's run the gambit. I guess I look racially ambiguous. 💁🏽‍♀️

But yes, a lot of people assume every Hispanic/Latino culture knows everything about the other, which is why I chose to make this reader Cuban (like myself). I couldn't accurately tell your Salvadorean experience, for example. Like of course, I can research a culture to write a character, but it wouldn't feel as natural or authentic for me to write as I did writing from my own multicultural experience.

So Dean's line:

“Shouldn’t you be an expert on this already?” Dean teases as you rifle through the pages. “I thought Latin American legends were right up your alley.”

It's tongue-in-cheek, but you're right, it's pointing to a larger issue about how most Americans view Hispanics/Latinos as a whole. 😂

And omg I could tell so many stories about me or my fam/friends getting in trouble with words other Spanish-speaking cultures don't use, or it has an entirely different meaning lmao.

For example, my Cuban ass was talking to my Dominican friend (I'm Dominican as well, but I tend to speak more like a Cuban). Cubans tend to "eat their 's'" on the ends of words. So I said something like, "aw, damn, I'm really liking the look of those tostones." Which of course, is just a fried plátano.

What her Dominican ass heard was "totones." Which for the English speakers in the room, is a woman's pussy. (Or translated more literally, multiple pussies.) 😂

I'm so sorry you've been scarred from cursing in Spanish, because it really can be so colorful and inventive. 😂😂

But I freakin' love Derry Girls!!! And I'm so glad you enjoy my writing, amor. Thanks so much! 😘❤️❤️

[thaleleah]

it's amazing that an actual language was made for this franchise!

yesss neteyam, his death was heartbreaking. i've seen a lot of edits on him on tiktok 👀 i'm assuming he's really popular in the fandom, right?

it makes no sense how far these people would go when something bothers them so much. like focus on real shit 🤦🏻‍♀️ so many people just like reading non con because it's just a fantasy of theirs (there's literal studies on this being a common fantasy amongst women; and these people should educate themselves) and so many people who read and write non con are also survivors of sa and it helps them. so stfu with telling people what's wrong and what's right. it's fiction. it's their life and there is nothing you can do about it 🙄

(Does that person you mentioned who writes for Avatar write smut? Or is she a minor? I'm so curious)

all her stuff is smut and she's a grown ass woman. her blog is very cringe because she literally acts like a 15 year old. and she's really bitter and hateful tbh. a very negative person. she's always trying to start something.

tal... your spider fics were sooooo good. i loved the rumor mill (he honestly looks like someone who eats a girl out well 🤭) and push me, push back (a lil dark too, huh?) you capture is character so well because he's already so cocky as it is 😌 tal... you sure did him justice 🩵✨

so who's your favorite character to write for from the avatar fandom? 🥰

oh the dog story is def bs! it was either stepshit or stepshits shitty brother!

istg stepshit literally has a death wish. i honestly wouldn't be surprised he does it on purpose to rile you up to get your mom to turn against you. cause that's what stepmonster does with me.

i still can't believe that pos isn't helping your poor mom clean up with anything... 🤦🏻‍♀️ what a fucking loser.

i'm doing well, tal 🩷 kinda been spending the week only watching shows and movies so it's been quite relaxing!

also since we're on avatar. i saw this photo on insta a couple days ago of tom from halloween:

https://www.instagram.com/tomblythfan/p/C01gk9WJjFo/?img_index=1

i'm assuming the guy below him is neteyam...? such a cute lil crossover we having going on here 🥰

and this photo of jack...

https://www.instagram.com/p/C25CGECAhnx/?hl=en

this has me feral. but i'm curious tho. is he going to be an avatar in the next film? because of his suit?

- 🍯🐝

I'm so impressed with everything world-building related to Avatar cause its just so amazing. Very few things capture my attention and heart for as long as Avatar has.

Neteyam is def the most popular in the fandom lol. No other character can compare to the amount of fics there are for him (except maybe Jake). Neteyam is my fav character to write for though. I feel like his personality just comes through really easily in the writing.

EXACTLY! I'm so glad you get it cause I'm so tired of seeing people get put down just for liking to read something. It's all fantasy - what's wrong with letting people read what they want? It also makes me sad because I struggled with wanting to read noncon for a loooooong time cause of the guilt I felt about it, and it took me a long time to finally understand that liking it isn't bad. And it makes me sad to see other people getting bullied for liking it too when I know they either probably struggled with the same thing or are still struggling and the nasty assholes who don't know how to mind their own business won't leave them alone. So frustrating.

all her stuff is smut and she's a grown ass woman. her blog is very cringe because she literally acts like a 15 year old. and she's really bitter and hateful tbh. a very negative person. she's always trying to start something.

The way my curiosity is shooting through the fucking roof. You should send me a separate ask with her tumblr name so I can know who this person is. I don't think I interact with anyone on my other blog that's said this but now I'm nervous.

I'm so glad you liked my Spider fics! Eeeeeeeee~ The Rumor Mill is def my fav so far. He's actually really fun to write for too.

🤦🏻‍♀️ what a fucking loser.

You said it, babes. Both our stepparents are fucking losers.

I'm glad you're doing good! That sounds soooo relaxing and I def need a week like that. What kind of stuff have you been watching? Got any recs for me?

The pics are so cute! Tom looks adorable as Shaggy lmaooo. And Jack is a cutie. I hope that this is him getting an Avatar, but I doubt it. Mayyybeee in one of the future movies but I know he had to wear a motion capture suit when filming A2 I think to make up for the height difference between him and the Na'vi. He had to film every one of his scenes twice lol

[becauseplot]

Bro you and me 🤝 can't say I've been missing sleep like you have but brainfog Bad today. More like brainsmog ibr. It is clearing tho so I got that goin for me. Hope you're getting some sleep dude.

Ohhhh so you're like, a seasoned professional of the angstwhump horror. Hats off to you king. It shows in your writing, I'll tell you that much. The xcom fic with Cellbit getting his claws taken out comes to mind. Absolutely made my skin crawl and I was enamored with the effectiveness of the writing every second of it. Have you read if stainless steel could love you back? I tried and couldn't stomach it (only got through like the first like idk 4k words? lmao) but I think it would be right up your alley. Honestly I'd be surprised if you haven't read this already. Maybe I'll give it another shot one day... And yeah, the loss of self. That sure is. That sure is. It's a very personal horror, obviously. And very real. And such a broad concept that it can apply in many different ways, whether that be through more realistic means like being twisted by anger, grief, or loathing, or the more symbolic sense in that you're literally, physically being turned into something you're not. Lots of avenues to explore it.

Also yooo you were a notebook kid too!! Bottom cabinet of my bookshelf is just filled with all of my writing notebooks that I used to carry around with me everywhere and write in. I mostly played with OCs, adapting them from characters/stories in media that I liked, or even from fanfics I read. Ohhh I still remember some of them. Faze, Kahli, Null, Myles, Tempest, Ray, Professor Noctis, Roza, Sorin... Honestly there were so many of them, and the fact that I can only recall a handful of their names is so fucking sad hough. Gotta look through those notebooks again. At some point I decided that I was going to take all of the stories I had floating around in my head and just say "fuck it, these all exist in the same world and are actually happening simultaneously" and there was a shitload of worldbuilding about the magic systems and there was supposed to be this whole prophecy thing drawing them all together etc etc. I don't even remember all the details and funnily enough, I didn't write everything down simply because there was So Much. I know I made a few lore documents, but just writing the scenes was so much more entertaining to me.

But yeah, that's what I spent my time writing about. Just little scenes that would pop into my head now and then. I filled up notebooks so fast. I should honestly get back into notebook writing, even if it's not with OCs. It's been a real hot minute since I've written for myself and not ao3. The closest I get to it now is Roommates/Cellmates AU. I miss filling up notebooks.

Poor ghost child OC :( I don't even know them or what happened to them but I feel sorry for them.

Yes, something about a gentle ending, or a more fulfilling one... Like the Happy Ending AU? (Actually wow thinking back on it I think your Happy Ending AU was the first thing of yours that I read---that I can specifically recall was by you, at least. It was the first part, where Fit and Phil are discussing "Hey, so is this possible? Do you think we could actually do it?" It was *chefs kiss*.) I think all of the characters deserves a happy ending. That last fic in the xcom au with Pac, that one is. Houough <3. And yes the net for people to fall onto---that's all we want yknow? A net. Just. Something. It's a very human desire, I think. That one fic you wrote about Phil finding Cellbit eating a worker and all Phil was concerned about was figuring out who he could talk to to help him catch Cellbit when this spiral inevitably took him out. It lives rent free in my brain at all times, btw. Archivists. They. Them. The beloveds. (I still want to figure out an Archivists-centric AU to write but *shakes brain, smacks the back of it like a faulty flashlight* c'mon gimmie some plot here, an ounce of worldbuilding, something! (I do actually have something in mind but it's so fucking undercooked that the ingredients aren't even in the bowl yet, I've just got that shit sitting out on the counter. Rip.))

Also yeah, think your shit, king. Pop off. You're crazy. You're cracked. You're goated.

Yeahhh I did like half a whumptober once back when I was OC-writing. It was actually a lot of fun because I had all these OCs to work with in various settings so it was easier to figure out plots to fill the prompts. And real, February is and was like. So shit. March is here at least so we're on our way out yippee.

"I'm so sorry, but it wasn't enough. It found you." <-I looked up the clip again just because and HOUUGHH still gets my heart going. The way my stomach actually fully dropped into the center of the earth when that happened live. And Lucie just,,, She thought she was useless all her life,,,, Lucieeeeee ;-;

Arthur was just a guy!!!!!!! He was just a guy living his life playing in his band UGHGHHGH. And Ceasar yeah 0(-( Just when he was getting to bond with his father,,, All of these people were just People at some point and then they got roped into this shit, one way or another. I mean, in Arthur's case he really was roped into it. Thiago and Liz were already technically part of the Order but their first mission was supposed to be a simple one and it was decidedly Not. Chris' friend (Thiago's dad) was killed by this line of work, pretty sure it's implied that Joui's friends were killed by the stuff from the Other Side, and I'm not 100% sure about Ceasar? But like you said, 30 year old LoL player. Everyone is being destroyed by their work in the Order. They can suffer fates worse than death and they often do. All for the sake of protecting humanity and because of some twisted sense of duty to ensure that what happened to themselves does not happen to anyone else. (Wails Liz wails wails wails.......)

Reading what you said about your larp group and. Goddamn that is. Holy cats. This is all vvvv /pos by the way, just to be clear, I am just floored yknow? That sounds insane. And really complicated but also really cool?? There's just like, so many working parts to it. I'm in awe. I definitely appreciate it, thanks for taking the time to explain it to me, it's vvv cool. I haven't got much to say back because HOOOOHH THATS A BIT OF INFORMATION LMFAO, but I promise you I read every word and I loved it.

Yeah the End Poem! Without going too into detail, my school is Funky so all majors (even STEM majors) have to take certain classes that we would otherwise not be taking, including stuff in the humanities. So that's how the topic of Mysticism came up in one of my classes. It was hilarious honestly bc the prof would be lecturing about Mysticism (or some other spiritual thing, but usually Mysticism) and he would say something that I shit you not would be almost verbatim out of the Minecraft End Poem. And I was always thinking, "Yeah this is great and all but I literally learned all of this from a video game like 11 years ago."

So for one of our major writing assignments, he wanted us to tie a cultural artifact (book, movie, TV show, game, holiday, etc etc) to one of the major topics of the course, and he gave a list of options to choose from. Well, somehow, Mysticism was not on that list. So I had to gather my courage and swallow some of my dignity and email my professor like, "Heyyyyyy bestie so like are you okay if I write an essay about Minecraft [silly block game widely regarded as a staple of the world of middle schoolers] and how it ties into Mysticism [well-written and (usually) highly-respected form of spiritual belief dating back 200 years]." And thank god my professor was an open-minded guy because he said, "Sure why not!" (Which was fantastic because I had no idea what else I was going to write about.)

Yeah it sure is! It's a lot. I can explain a bit here but uh fair warning(?) I get into some stuff that is very much within the realm of spirituality so if that's not your thing then that is fair and I get you completely! Go ahead and skip the next 4 paragraphs :thumbsup:

The best way I can explain Mysticism succinctly would be (and I'm oversimplifying): So you ever been just chilling maybe outside or with friends or just really vibing and having a good time, and then you have this weird out of body experience of realizing something like, "oh holy shit, I'm here, and this is my body, and I'm breathing, and you're here, and that is your body, and you are breathing, and the trees are here too, and the stars are here too, and it's So Much, I think I might be a part of all of these things and I feel so small/big/wide/distant/alive"?

Yeah. So I know that not everyone has experienced something like that (so I'm making a bit of an assumption here, apologies), but it's called a "Mystical experience" and it's supposed to be your brain briefly attempting to connect with the "transcendent" (or the "ineffable", or the "More") and having this personal experience in trying to understand it. And according to Mysticism (or to some Mystics, at least), all of our "souls" have an innate tendency to try to understand and connect with this elusive sense of the "More." There is something out there beyond yourself, and at the same time you are connected to everything else, even if you don't understand the full scope of it yet---but given time, you can.

And that is where it all starts to sound an awful lot like the stuff that the blue and green entities in the End Poem are talking about. Not to mention that one of the entities literally describes something resembling a form of mystical experience: "Take a breath, now. Take another. Feel air in your lungs. Let your limbs return. Yes, move your fingers. Have a body again, under gravity, in air. Respawn in the long dream. There you are. Your body touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. As though we were separate things." (NOTE: not all mystical experiences are the same, what I explained and what the End Poem describes are two examples, but they've got common themes of realizing your place in all of these things and this sense of there being More.)

Anyway that is a very slap-dash shitty explanation of it lmfao. I actually pulled out my old lecture notes to make sure I wasn't completely butchering it. Again, this is very spiritual, and idk where you stand with those sorts of things, so no need to comment on this at all! But I personally find it very fascinating. It was a fun essay to write, even if the 4-page limit had me scrapping several paragraphs (wails).

Minecraft sure is a Thing, huh. I've been writing minecraft fic for so long now that it's almost impossible for me to imagine writing an entirely minecraft-less setting. I just. Love the worldbuilding so much. There's so much to pull from. A sandbox game fr.

Yeah I need to listen to more Bastille. I nabbed "Things We Lost In The Fire" from your xcom playlist a while back and I really like it. I don't really make character/au playlists, but I've got my main one I use for just vibing/daydreaming or running. For me I've been listening to a lot of the Killers (Somebody Told Me my FUCKING beloved it's so gender), LP, Florence + the Machine, and an iiiiitty itty bit of Hozier (I spent last summer listening to his music for hours on end while filing old blueprints and now I can only stomach a few of his songs lmfaooo). Also Mumford & Sons and Crane Wives are good, and I've been looping Who Are You, Really? by Mikky Ekko and thinking about qCellbit so so SO fucking much you don't even know.

Holy shit I've been here a hot minute. Uh. Whoops lmao. Needless to say my brainfog has cleared up. I was in a vvvv Blegh /neg headspace all day but this was nice!!!

finished ep 10 of osnf (long post under the cut oh lord)

crying sobbing kicking over chairs screaming CELLBIT IS AN EVIL EVIL MAN WHY WOULD HE DO THAT. FOR WHAT REASON. POR CUAL RAZÓN. LO ODIO. <-said with the utmost adoration and respect of a writer but the fury of a fan who just had to endure all of that my hearttttt 0(-(

god fuck i have thoughts and feelings regarding episode 10 of osnf. obviously. i don't even know how to start.

okay. first of all the way that he was able to orchestrate the like 57839 different POVs of the nightmare happening at the same time was actually pretty smooth, all things considered. being able to forcibly mute/deafen the others is a good thing to be able to do yesyes.

second, im losing my mind over how he hides the fact that "it's all a dream" WITHIN the "it's all a dream" trope by having the creatures be manifestations of dreams/guilt in "reality" themselves. idk if i'm making any sense, but like, you get it, right? like, it's the fact that we thought we had already discovered the dream-based deceit in the segment because of what the "Hotelier" told Joui at the start of it, but it turns out that THAT was a red-herring of sorts for the TRUE dream-based deceit, that EVERYTHING was a dream, not just the creatures. god there are fucking layers to this im foaming at the mouth that's soooo good.

i guess that's what makes the "it's all a dream"-style trope present here feel less cliche. because, you know, it is a trope, and it's not really a trope that i'm fond of, but because there's actually more going on, it feels less cheap. what certainly helps is that the fact that it's roleplay, so the reactions from the characters are so much more raw, and there are some irl stakes (character dead = out of the series = can't play anymore). that definitely keeps you on the edge of your seat.

edit: something i forgot to mention—what i dislike abt the “it’s all a dream” trope the most is that it is very easily something that can be so, so cheap. all angst, no stakes or consequences, no lasting impact on the plot on the characters. however, not only is there a “physical” impact via several characters losing SHITLOADS of sanity (something not easily recovered) but we get to see a little more into the psyche of the characters. which i suppose is often the point of the “it’s all a dream” segments, but this dream—one with a lot of references to past major character death and itself contains major character death—rings especially true for the themes of the series: the world they live in is dangerous, and the work they do is lethal. people have and will die. and they do and will feel guilty, reguardless if they are at fault. it’s not a horrifying death dream just for the sake of being a death dream, it feels grounded in their reality, and i love that.

third, man he did not hold back. when Arthur was being beaten to a pulp by not!Brúlio, i was actually in shock, i was screaming. plus, i think the fact that Cellbit rolled a 001 when not!Brúlio attacked actually helped to hide the fact that this was a dream. it made it look like it was bad luck rather than the segment was designed to kill the characters (well, at least until he revealed that the damage was 1d4+1d6, but i'll get to that later).

gosh the narration of how not!Brúlio killed Arthur. holy shit. i don't. i don't even have words, that is DEVASTATING. that is probably one of the worst ways for a person to go. i know it's a dream but if i were Arthur i would be emotionally fucked up beyond belief. beaten to a bloody pulp by the father who once loved you so much, screaming at you for abandoning him and that it's your fault he died a horrible death. and then he drops your body on the ground like you're nothing but a pile of useless meat. god. damn.

and then Liz. ohhhh Liz. i just. i was devastated. her whole struggle with Alex, the man she treated so horribly. yes it's true the real Alex never would have said these things to you, but how do you know he wasn't thinking it? that he didn't want to? that what not!Alex says doesn't hold some truth? christttt. and of course the way she dies: in complete agony. and did she forgive herself? because, unlike with not!Brúlio, the creature turned into that weird wispy black thing just as she died, and i would assume that means she forgave herself (if those rules even apply considering this was all a result of the parasite's deceit (holy hell my brain is melting i am the man with the hand on the conspiracy board)).

fourth: the 1d4+1d6 thing! when he read that out, i was stunned. that is a LOT of damage considering all of the characters have ~10 HP. with an extreme roll, that's basically an insta-kill, or it's easily a two-hit-kill. i thought Arthur was unlucky, but when Liz also went down, i was---well, devastated, at first, because that's Liz, she's my absolute favorite and i love her, but i started going through all five stages of grief at once, and at some point i arrived at "no that can't be right" because Cellbit is a good writer. and to deliberately construct a scenario where it would be VERY hard for a character to survive while still in the middle of the story? yeah. and yknow the fact that there's still 6 other episodes fhdsjk. (then again the series continues regardless if a character dies and i haven't looked at other episodes' thumbnails or anything like that for this exact reason. so. i was going in as blind as i could reasonably be.)

in any case, realizing and connecting all of this and then hearing the "Hotelier" start yelling at Joui right after Liz died explicitly blaming him for it sealed it for me: this is a trick of some sort. this is a dream sequence of some sort. these aren't real deaths. (a smaller part of me was still scared that they were real because i know that Cellbit does not shy away from killing off his players' characters, if op and opq are anything to go by. but i digress.)

and then the characters turned to black goo. and i just about threw my computer. rip Luba who got absolutely targeted by the GM lmfao.

anyway uhhh that's about it regarding the dream sequence! loving luzidius!joui and how he just keeps switching back and forth. ((and it further supports my little side-theory that the mysterious blond woman last seen with Team Kelvin was a luzidious we win these.)) i was surprised to see Liz thinking it was so cool when she's been so suspicious of everything in Santo Berco since she got here, but i think she could definitely be using it as a distraction from what she just went through, and honestly she's just happy to see Joui is okay. (the way she gave on up words and just hugged him, the way she held his face in her hands, the way she dragged him down the hall to show Thiago and Thiago was just telling her to fuck off (/aff) because he was getting dressed, my heartttt i love these three, mentor-mentee dynamics my fucking beloved)

also new outfits! sweet! istg the new outfits are so Cellbit's way of apologizing for putting his friends through that. "hey sorry i killed your character in the most emotionally devastating way possible it will happen again wOAH LOOK AT THESE NEW CLOTHES AREN'T THEY SO COOL YOU SHOULD TRY THEM ON!!!"

i've been having mixed feelings about the sudden setting/genre change since the group arrived in Santo Berco. i really, really loved the urban horror-fantasy vibe that they had going on in op and the first 8 eps of osnf, but evidently, this is good as well. the genre is most definitely still horror yippee. i definitely miss the urban-modern setting, but i think i can get adjusted to this. (i'm just,,, not the biggest fan of the auto-heal crystals im sorry i had to say it they feel too op i know their use is limited to visiting the doctor but knowing they exist lowers the in-world stakes for me im sorry---)

anyway, ep 10! you beautiful monster! i have been typing for an hour! i need to go eat food! k bye!

[lesbianjackies]

Wizarding Water Parks Are Weird

George Weasley x Muggleborn!Reader

Request: Could you please write some George Weasley x Reader fluff? Maybe they are going to a water park or beach?

Gender: Female

Warnings: I don't think there are any?? But lemme know if I'm wrong

Word Count: 2,136

A/N: Yeah, so I kinda got carried away lmaooo. This is the longest fic I've ever written, and tbh I just took a simple request and turned it into an excuse to make an entire wizarding water park exist. It's fun tho, it's very chaotic but I laughed out loud many times with writing it, so I think it should be an enjoyable read. Love y'all, hope you enjoy!! Also I tried to find a picture cause I like to have them on my fics but I couldn't find one that fit so we're just gonna do without.

“Get up.” Your boyfriend flicks you on the head.

“Ow!” You swat him away, shooting a glare in his direction. “No ‘Good morning, (Y/N), I love you’?”

George rolls his eyes, sighs dramatically, and lies down next to you. “Good morning, (Y/N), I love you.” He gives you a quick peck on the lips. “Now get up.”

You stick your tongue out at him, but roll off your mattress anyway. “Why? What’s happening?”

He gets off the bed as you pull your outfit for the day out of your suitcase. “We’re going to the water park!”

You raise your eyebrows. “The water park? I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect that to be one of the things I did on my first summer break with wizards.”

George looks confused. “Really? Water parks are so cool, though! Muggles have them??”

You give him a weird look. “Yes…? They’re a pretty standard thing… whatever, whatever. I’ll get ready.” You give him a smile and wait for him to leave. He doesn’t. “That means you need to leave.”

“Oh! Oh, right, right.” He gives you another quick kiss before walking toward the door, slightly embarrassed. “Love you! Sorry!”

“Love you, too!” You call after him as he leaves. You laugh to yourself as you pull on your clothes. Merlin, do you love him. He’s an idiot, but that’s why, you think. Plus, it’s not like you’re not an idiot, too. You’re idiots together, and that’s what makes you perfect for each other.

You walk out of Ginny’s room to find everyone already eating breakfast. You squeeze a chair in between George and Hermione and peck George on the cheek. “So, when are we leaving?” you ask, grabbing yourself a cauldron cake.

“As soon as you’re finished eating, dear,” Mrs. Weasley says, collecting dishes from the people who have already finished - everyone but you, who just arrived, and Ron, who had been there since breakfast started, but wouldn’t stop eating.

You finish your cauldron cake as quickly as you can and hand Mrs. Weasley your plate with a quick “thank you”. You head back to Ginny’s room with her and Hermione so you can get your things for the waterpark.

“So, what makes a water park in the wizarding world different from one in the muggle world?” Hermione asks as she packs her swimsuit, sunscreen, a hat, sunglasses, a book, and more things that would be tedious to list if you tried. (She wants to be prepared, she says.)

“Yeah,” you say, shoving your swimsuit in a tote bag before sitting down on your mattress. “George seemed shocked that muggles even had waterparks, so I’m assuming they’re a bit different here.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” replies Ginny, stealing your tote bag so she can stuff her swimsuit on top of yours. “I don’t really know anything about muggle water parks, so I can’t tell you how wizard ones are different. Guess you’ll just see when you get there.” She plops down next to you on your mattress and starts piling snacks into your bag. “By the way, I really want to steal your tote bag.”

You remove your bag from Ginny’s hands, much to her disappointment. “Absolutely not, I only have three.”

Hermione gives you a weird look. “Why do you need three tote bags?”

“One for school, one for personal use, and one spare just in case,” you inform her. “And also aesthetic.”

Before Hermione can respond, Ron barges into the room. “We’re leaving now.”

“Do you knock, Ron?” Ginny says, following him out of the room anyway.

Ron gives her a look as you and Hermione walk out after them.

George finds you and slips his hand into yours when you get outside. “Excited?”

You shrug. “I suppose. I don’t really know what this is gonna be like, so I guess I’m excited to find out.”

George smiles and squeezes your hand.

“All right, kiddos!” Mr. Weasley gives all of you a friendly smile, brandishing an ugly yellow teapot. “We’re going by portkey!”

“I don’t know why the fact that you’re holding a teapot surprises me,” says Harry as everyone clasps the portkey.

You feel a horrid sensation in your bellybutton as the world spins around you, yanking you till everything comes to focus. And wherever you end up is definitely not a waterpark. “Merlin,” you groan, rubbing your stomach as you look around. “I forgot how horribly uncomfortable that was. Also, what is this place?”

“Neptuland Water Park,” replies George, totally unhelpfully.

“This is a water park!?”

What it is is paradise. Literal paradise. Like, the gorgeous beach, perfect flowing waterfalls, colorful tropical island cliché of paradise. Except with mermaids and other fantastical sea creatures you’ve probably learned about in your History of Magic class but can’t remember the names of for the life of you. You glance at Harry and Hermione, who look just as star struck as you feel.

“Yeah?” George looks at you nervously. “Are you disappointed? I’m sorry if muggle water parks are better, I’ll ask Dad to take us back to the Burrow, I - “

“What!?” You give him a look of bewilderment. “No, no, this is amazing. Like, truly amazing. It’s like paradise, George, I’m just… a little bit in shock.”

George blinks. “Oh. Well, okay then! I’m glad you like it!” He smiles and you return it, still amazed by the scene around you.

“All right, everyone go change and then give me your things; I’ll put them in a locker.” Mrs. Weasley shoos you all over to an Atlantis-esque building you assume is a… changing area. Merlin, this place is insane.

You, Ginny, and Hermione follow Mrs. Weasley into the women’s section as Mr. Weasley leads the twins, Ron, and Harry into the men’s. You change into your swimsuit and hand Mrs. Weasley your tote bag after Ginny stuffs her clothes in it. (It took a lot of convincing to get her to leave the snacks, but you apparently weren’t supposed to bring outside refreshments to the water park.) You exit the changing area and find the boys already outside waiting for you.

“So, what do you wanna do first?” you ask George.

He doesn’t respond, mouth slightly open as he looks at you.

“George?”

He blinks, face going red. “S- sorry. I’ve just- You just look really good, is all.”

You pink slightly. “Oh, uh, thanks! You look really good, too.”

Fred snickers. “He’s just horny cause he’s never seen you in a swimsuit before.”

George goes impossibly redder. “Fred!”

Mrs. Weasley swats the older twin. “Stop teasing your brother, Frederick.”

Fred rolls his eyes, but walks away to bug Ron instead, which was not what Mrs. Weasley meant when she told him to stop teasing his brother.

“Fred!” she huffs, following him.

“Sorry about him,” George says sheepishly. “My misery is his pleasure, apparently.”

You laugh and squeeze his hand. “It’s okay. I enjoy seeing you blush over me,” you tease.

George flushes again, as if on cue, and you let out another laugh before dragging him toward the paradise that is apparently a water park. “C’mon, Loverboy, I’m not here to stand around doing nothing!”

“Oh- okay, um, let’s go to the Great Barrier Reef pool!”

You stop in your tracks and stare at him, mouth open. “The what!?”

“The Great Barrier Reef pool!” His explanations have been increasingly unhelpful. “You know, the pool that’s modeled after the Great Barrier Reef.”

Your expression does not get any less confused.

“Right, you don’t know, you’ve never been here before, I don’t know what I was thinking. Okay, so, this place is known for its lifelike replicas of famous bodies of water around the world. They have the Great Barrier Reef - my personal favorite - Dawes Glacier, the Dead Sea, Victoria Falls, and more - all replicated to be the size of a large pool and safe and comfortable enough for humans to swim in. It’s remarkable, and why Neptuland is my favorite water park. Nobody really knows this, but I’ve always wanted to travel, and these pools are the closest I’ve ever been able to get to that. Besides the trip to Egypt my family went on in my fourth year, I mean.”

“I- That’s- “ you stammer. “I mean, wow. That’s genuinely incredible.”

George’s face brightens. “Isn’t it!? Come on, let’s go!” It’s his turn to grab your hand and drag you toward the waterpark.

The Great Barrier Reef pool is exactly what George explained it to be - a literal pool version of the actual Great Barrier Reef. The water is clear and perfectly turquoise and the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. George drags you into the pool, and once underwater, you’re able to see an abundance of coral all around you. Scratch the water being the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen - this is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. You gasp involuntarily, and jolt back up the surface, choking and sputtering.

“(Y/N)!” George grabs your face, worried. “(Y/N/N), are you okay!?”

You cough out a ton of water and grin at him. “Yes!? This is the most amazing place I’ve ever seen!”

“Are you sure?? Cause you were just choking like a whole lot.”

“Yeah, but it was like, fun choking. I love this place!”

George laughs, bewildered, and shakes his head. “Merlin, I love you.”

You peck him on the lips. “I love you, too.” You dive back underwater and he follows suit, following you as you swim around the brightly colored coral. After a bit of swimming and resurfacing only for the purpose of making out - well, you suppose you also had to breathe, but it was mostly to make out - you sit up on the edge of the pool. “Okay, so what else is there to do?”

“Um… well, there are the water slides.”

You frown, a bit disappointed. “Water slides?” After the pool version of the literal Great Barrier Reef, you were expecting something a bit more… extravagant than water slides.

“I promise they’re cool,” George assures you, climbing out of the pool and grabbing your hand. “Come on!”

They are definitely cool, you discover when George leads you over to them. Apparently, when the wizarding world says “water slide” they mean a literal water slide. As in a slide made of water. This place is wild. It’s technically supposed to be one person a slide, but the security here is concerningly lax, so you and George are able to slide together without much issue. It’s amazingly fun; you’ve always enjoyed water slides, but this one is incredible - it moves as you go, which makes the ride unpredictable and so much more fun than a regular water slide. By the time you and George finally get tired of it, you’re both breathless and laughing and have been on close to a dozen times.

“Okay, what next?”

“There’s a lazy river, which is pretty relaxing - you just kinda float along a stream with pretty colored steam that smells nice - it kinda bores me, but it’s nice. Oh, and you can swim with mermaids.”

You make a face, remembering the creatures from the Triwizard Tournament. “Mermaids?”

“Not that kind,” he assures you. “These ones are nice; they’re paid to work here and entertain people.”

You nod, still dumbfounded even after being here for an hour. “I don’t care what we do,” you say, kissing him. You press your forehead to his and smile. “I just wanna spend time with you.”

George blushes and kisses you again, pulling you onto his lap. “I love you,” he murmurs against your lips.

“I love you, too,” you murmur back, running your hands through his hair as you deepen the kiss.

“Oi, Lovebirds!” Fred flicks George on the head, causing him to hastily break away from you.

“Ow!” George whines, rubbing the spot. “Do you mind?”

“No,” his brother says bluntly, “and we’re leaving, get dressed.”

George huffs as Fred walks away and kisses you one more time before getting up. “This was fun,” he says, smiling at you.

You smile back, getting on your tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “It was. Mostly cause I got to spend it with you.”

“Merlin, get a room.” Fred apparently wasn’t as far away as you thought.

George rolls his eyes, but the two of you finally stand up and walk back to the changing rooms. Everyone walks in, but George pulls you aside and wraps his arms around you. “Thanks for coming this summer,” he murmurs into your hair.

You look up at him with a smile. “Of course. I’ll always want to spend time with you and your family.”

He smiles back and you hear a groan.

“Please, just leave us alone, Fred - “

[minahoeshi]

you were loved the most of all.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader | break-up angst

summary: You should've known that when Ushijima Wakatoshi found it easy to fall in love with you, it might be even easier for him to fall out of it. But who expects the worst when it comes to loving someone as seemingly perfect as him, anyway?

Chapter 1 of 2

Chapter 2 of 2

He said it was easy to fall in love with you. He said he didn’t know when exactly, at which place, nor for what reason. Simply one day, Ushijima Wakatoshi found himself looking at you with the epiphany that maybe there’s something more meant to happen between you and him. There you stood before him that day, the person he could promise love to. (And there he stood before you that moment, the boy whose promises you found yourself believing in no matter what.)

So maybe that’s why it was even easier for him to fall out of love. When he told you he was no longer in love with you, it didn’t matter to you to ask when exactly, at which place, or for what reason. Even the universe itself is meant to fizzle out one day along with the death of the stars. Just one more person drifting away from you like a lone planet with no real orbit shouldn’t leave you broken. You are used to this. You won’t fall apart.

But you break anyway.

It was snowing outside when he decided to tell you to end things now before it hurts both of you even further. Not that the snow has anything to do with the coldness creeping up your chest threatening to spill out of you in endless sobs. You were glad, though. That at the very least, he remained honest with his feelings. He never left you guessing. Every time, he never forgets to tell you what’s on his mind. His honesty is something he thought was necessary.

“I understand, don’t worry. Thank you for telling me right away. I know you’re also considering me–” you tell him and choke up. There are tears running down your face but you’re not worried about that. Wakatoshi never let you mask your emotions around him. For the longest time, he reminded you to feel free to be completely bare with him. All the good and the bad, he said. Don’t be afraid to show them to me. I will always understand.

He steps closer and puts you between his arms. You feel his chin on top of your head as you lean your face into his chest. You’re sobbing now. “I’ll be fine, Toshi. We’ll be fine.”

He kisses the top of your head and lets you stay in his arms for minutes. “I loved you then, and I love you still. It’s just that they’re no longer the same kind. I will stay if you ask me to, okay? Anything you want.”

This only makes you cry harder. He’s always been too good. And even in breaking your heart, he’s too good. You want him to hold on. You want to ask him to stay with you for years and years. Even with a different kind of love, you’ll let him be as long he’s close by. But someone like him who has dreams beyond yourself shouldn’t ever be with someone like you who still lacks certainty toward anything.

“Just for tonight,” you ask, still crying. “Can I stay?”

“of course,” he replies. Anytime you want. Anything you want. It has always been this way.

Because humans are creatures of routines and familiarity, you spend that night the way you usually do when you’re at his place. You cook dinner with him and eat on the dining table, sharing stories and laughter. You keep adding food to his plate and he smiles as you giggle at everything you find funny.

It’s okay, it’s okay. You’ll be okay. You’ll be fine.

You clean the kitchen and stay in the living room. He leans on the couch as you lay down with your head on his lap. You keep talking and laughing. He goes along, sometimes adding things to make you laugh even more, sometimes simply agreeing, sometimes asking questions. You keep it loud and light, afraid of the silence. Inside you, it’s so heavy, your heart might just fall off. This will be the last, you tell yourself. You want to be happy for now. While he’s still here.

"Do me a favor, okay?" You tell him as you're nearing slumber. "Let me leave first tomorrow. Maybe stay in bed, maybe pretend you're asleep. But tomorrow, don't get out of the room until I've left the house." Your voice shakes, feeling yourself wanting to sob.

"I don't want to wake up to another empty bed but I don't want to see your face when I wake up too," you curl into him even further. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I still don't really know what to do. And I know you wake up pretty early and you know, do stuff, but just for tomorrow, please?"

Wakatoshi didn't really understand why. He originally planned on cooking breakfast for you and taking you to the train station. He would watch you board the train and he'd make sure to smile at you as he waves. You always waved back. That's how it works. Even after fights, and even after especially bad nights, you'd still do the same. Watching you leave with a smile was how you both knew you'd still be fine the days after. That nothing much can affect your relationship. For years, this has been the routine.

But tomorrow, he knows he has to give way. He knows what he said hurt you. It would be wrong of him to do what he wants simply because he's used to.

Tomorrow's the last, he realises. And then if you want, he'd never see you again.

--

You wake up pretty early. The sky is a calm shade of blue, the world outside still waking up. You check the time on your phone and find it's 6 AM. Last night, you slept with your back on him. The sight before you is the other end of his bedroom and you notice just how much of yourself you've managed to leave around his place. Pieces of just one other person in his life, scattered in places around his world pretending that’s just where they belong. You didn't mind leaving things behind back then. You never really thought of the day that you might’ve to take back all of them. Just how does one pick up parts of themselves when they thought they’ve finally found a place for them to stay?

But as you stand up, you conclude that when things end, traces shouldn’t be left behind. He didn’t decide to break up only to be reminded of you even after you’re no longer close to him. So you go and pick every little thing that's yours. Even your jacket and sweaters and a few pairs pyjamas in his closet. You'll just take his things from your place too and hand it to Tendou's shop. Coming back here won’t do you any good. Him coming to your place instead wouldn’t either.

Collecting all your things, even the ones you can't use anymore, you leave the bedroom and enter the living room. You don't have many belongings here aside from some DVDs and books. You only take the books and leave the rest for him. You've always preferred reading anyway.

Setting your bag and things aside on the sofa, you go ahead and wash yourself in the bathroom and bring your toothbrush and some other products with you when you're done. You then head to the kitchen to cook him something light to eat for breakfast . You knew you didn't have to. He knows how to cook. It has always been him cooking breakfast for you. When you could, you’d rather stay in bed until the very moment you must start preparing to go to uni or work. But you did anyway. He's probably in his bed, awake. He has never been a heavy sleeper. With all the moving you did around his room, he was bound to wake up if he wasn't already.

You make him a simple omelette and write a small message on top of it with ketchup. "Good luck with practice today!"

You've already cleaned everything you used, preferring to wash and set utensils as soon as you're done with them. That way, when you're sitting down to eat, there won't be any cluster around to distract you.

You put the ketchup down and decide that should be enough. You'll stop here. You should go now.

Ushijima is sitting on his bed. He's been awake since 5 AM when he usually goes on his run. It isn't the first time he chose to stay with you instead of going out, but he can't help but feel heavy this time. He stayed in for you. But as the minutes pass by, it seems that he simply cannot find the courage to sit up and face you.

He wants to sink into his bed.

There's knock on the door followed by sentences uttered softly. "Toshi, I'm going now. There's breakfast on the table. Make sure to eat before you go."

There goes the heavy feeling again. Maybe if this keeps up, he might just actually sink and never get back up.

You've done that a few times. Leaving while he's still in the room. You don't even open the door. You simply knock and tell him you're about to go, always reminding him to eat before he goes too.

But this will be the last, he thinks. If you leave now, will he never see you again?

a/n

chapter 2 will be up soon not rly sure when tho. (it's up now the link is at the top)

also, im not entirely sure but i think i didnt use any pronouns or gendered nouns for this except "girl" in the 1st paragraph which i erased just now? if i'm right, then i hope everyone reading this get to feel as though theyre rly the person in the story. unless ofc u dont want that bc this isnt the happiest ushitoshi x reader fic u can find🥲. but thanks for reading!!!! m so sorry for typos nd other errors as well. i kinda cant read my own writings bc sometimes doing so makes me wanna smack myself in the head and never write again nd i hate that so now im leaving my mistakes to the gods nd hope they love me enough or smth. but yes thank u sm again for reading!!!!

[cryptke]

heyy,

it's been a while i feel like. though, time has been weird as of late, it's been moving way too fast and i feel like i can't keep up at all lol

how's life going? did the apartment ever work out?

on another note, I'm utterly in love with »After« and the way you portrayed bucky in it, his thoughts and the general awkwardness that comes with it. the entire thing felt so in-character, and i loved how blunt and straight-forward the reader was, super refreshing to read. you literally find the perfect blend of words every time, and I'm amazed. deadass, if i could eat it and keep the words close to my heart, i would.

also, i finally finished reading tender is the flesh after like half a millennia, no idea why the second half took me so long, but oh boy do i have thoughts. one of the best books I've ever read, but at the same time it's almost repulsive, and every time you think it can't get any worse, it gets worse. the scene where he came to that butcher lady... what was her name... Spanel i think it was, and he fucked her in that cooler room - whole thing felt like a fever dream. there's so much internal conflict within the entire narrative, but at the same time establishes these strict rules that make you feel like a criminal in Marcus' stead, when he impregnated the female head and kept her inside... i felt seriously stressed when the inspector swung by. i absolutely loved how the zoo kind of meanders through the entire book as a recurring theme (never wanted to smack the shit out of a couple of teenage boys so badly...), especially with the parallels to his father and the birds, it made the book feel entire pounds heavier than before. also, that sister was an absolute bitch (so were those vicious offsprings of hers), but at the same time there was a sort of understanding as to why she acts the way she does. in general, descriptions of any sorts were bone chilling, especially with Urlet. the ending itself was kind of shocking, did not expect that at all, it felt kind of dehumanizing, but i was kinda glad at the same time cuz at least he doesn't incriminate himself any more now - was still very torn as to how to feel about it lol

so many thoughts and feelings about this book, but i told myself not to write an entire essay on it this time, which i did again, I'm so sorry - thank u so much for the recommendation tho

i hope life treats you well, and I'm sending you all the best! ❤️

helloo lovepuppy

LOL, funny story but i've actually been living out of a motel. dean winchester isn't next door, unfortunately, though it does rain a lot and i'm open to the existence of demons

the ending of that book fucked me up the first time i consumed it. like literally exited the pdf in dead silence and stared at a wall. i think it sort of lulls you into a false sense of intimacy (security) in that you're nearly getting the impression of marcos being defined as being a "good" guy with the breakthrough perspective/he's an already broken man who's changed morally by "affection" and "companionship" and then you turn to the last page and the narrative is completely reverted to being a parallel of the same barbaric mindset the rest of society has been acclimated to. dehumanizing is a really good way to put it.

thank you so much for reading "after" :) i really liked writing it. it's very cathartic to drum up that clinical angst i like to incorporate without it making the entire fic prominently depressing. oh to see the world through the eyes of a 1940's soldier boy gone indoctrinated assassin. fanfiction bucky is legitimately the only media form of bucky that exists to me

LOVE YOU, miss you, always makes my week to hear from you! come over some time and listen to the rain

[skzfaker]

SDNKJSD thank u! editing went extremely well and it's all done now! i think you will like it a lot :))))) or at least i hope u will! i queued it for december 24th at 11pm my time, which is EST (answering a question u asked later in the ask). you're 13 hours ahead of me rip lmao so that's noon on christmas for you. i figured that'll be a time where you're up but im also up bc im usually up decently late. glad u took naps! tis important or your health :') ehehe and thank u! i rly obviously enjoy horror fics. and actually, the evil pirates one is one of my favs. and you'll get to see it all on my masterlist when i am revealed 👀👀👀👀👀👀 there are a few fluffy fics but my Thing is definitely darker stuff PFFFF yeah i kinda messed him up </3 luckily it's a three part series in the plotline where i stole his vocal cords but he'll probably get them back. probably. oops. im a little evil to him but he's my absolute ult fav <3 i havent met ateez yet, so yeah, if i went to the concert that would be the first time! i'd let jongho know he's the Coolest for the entire concert, i'd be fully prepared to yell his name the entire time. he deserves it and yes, im in America :) EST and i've indeed made it home! ive been home since monday and it's saturday now so not even a week. i kinda miss it haha, i like having my independence and it sorta feels like high school again. but oh well, it's still nice to see the family and yes, i love swimming :) but i work at an indoor pool, i dont actually live near any beaches haha. beach guards have a lot more training and i dont know if i could ever get to their level haha. and as for knitting i am good at hats and scarves! i dont know how to make anything else so those are the two things i make. im almost done w my first scarf, very excited :) there was a period of time a few years ago where i'd Only make hats, so everyone in the family got a hat lmaooooo yes, i agree! i also generally just dont like longer hair like that. this might be a super controversial opinion but i dont like mullets 😳 there;s one (1) exception and it's hongjoong's (ateez) mullet right now, he looks like such a cool lead rock band singer! but basically all other cases im kinda like ://// eh. i think it's bc it's short in the front and then long in the back which i guess is what a mullet is, it's just not my favorite hair. tho ofc it's just hair, it grows back, it changes, whatever :) do u like them? i actually also enjoyed chan's cheeto hair lol. it's not my fav hair on him but i like shorter hair on idols so it was nice to see him like that. i think for fav looks tho, i love literally every style changbin has ever done. i definitely lean towards edgier looks lol me ulting the most Sensible and Proper Main Vocal so Changbin in district 9 was perfect for me - 🎅

ey sounds good! ...yeah i think i'll be up by noon already or maybe a bit after but AHH okay i'll be sure to read it ASAP so you can see me reblog it with a crapload of tags in real time. glad to know we're both part of the vampire club tho LOL - we can definitely talk to each other in real time.

wow. "probably". HAHAHAHA. you did say your expertise is horror - now i can see why (≧▽≦)

ohhh i hope you can go then! agh you have no idea how many times i could've met skz if only i joined stay earlier - both here and in japan. yes the regret is still eating me together with the absolute clownery that was my period of constantly saying "i'M nOt a StAy" go get your tickets!!

ah and EST is definitely something i'm used to working with. my manager actually lives within that timezone as well so i'm used to monitoring her work times (and wondering why she's still talking to me/still not asleep) d(ﾟｰﾟ@)

indoor pools are cool too! and i'm sure all the swimming is good exercise, plus you're getting paid (i assume LOL). HAHA that's another thing we have in common tho - i went through a hat-crocheting phase too. i feel like i don't know how to crocehet anymore tho...ah but good luck on the scarf!

oh yeah i'm with you - i'm not a fan of mullets either. no idea how it became a trend in kpop, but here we are. i have one exception to it too: felix, and it's mostly because of his face and the fact that his bangs are growing longer so his hair is kinda losing its mullet-ness. speaking of felix tho, it's his scalp i'm more concerned about...am i going crazy or was the only time he had his actual, natural dark hair was during predebut?

changbin does fit all his hairstyles so far tho. i can truly appreciate the bowl cut when he has it HAHAHA. i'm still a sucker for longer hair, but i can appreciate the short hairstyle more on some people.

...okay i feel like i rambled a lot in this response. you'll have to excuse me - i'm back to not blinking and there's too many holiday preparations to do (゜Д゜) hope everything's going smoother over there!!