#each set up is so clever! for this one in particular - if you're desperate to survive - you will still have one witness. no matter what...

[datastate]

this is such a small thing but it always wrecks me thinking about the russian roulette is just... if sara had killed anyone, there's no good way to cope with it. obviously it hurts me most to think abt her killing joe or kai, but the other two as well...

joe dies:

- that's one of her closest friends she's ever had. not so much so as ryoko, but still someone she's comfortable enough poking fun at and who knows about her stalker and who she hangs out with often after school (whether it's hanging out for karaoke or at the park or shared clubs or just walking her home...) & we already see how. poorly she deals with the guilt of feeling like she caused him pain (and eventually thinking she had hand in his *death*, even indirectly.)

- that last point hits because... in this case, she places the responsibility on herself to take on the gun (even if she's not at all confident) because she knows joe trusts her to succeed for him, for all of them. if he dies directly by her hand, it'd shatter her. she took this up for him, so he could trust her. and she failed him. utterly and completely.

- then everyone's reaction too... they're very. tense leading up until the end. (or if joe's the last target, sara might let herself collapse...)

keiji realizing he put too much pressure on her as well, probably still going to drag her forward - there's no time to mourn (...not like he really gave himself the chance to, in his own experience).

q-taro outraged, not necessarily with her, but with the game altogether; shocked at the full realization of seeing a dead body in front of all of them (he would be more forward about trying to lead the group certain directions, i'd imagine, and probably dislike keiji... maybe some of his own self-loathing for letting this happen depending on how he voted. it's irresponsible... how could they have done that? and now a kid is dead and another one's traumatized!)

maybe people expect kai to be 'i told you so'. to tell keiji (and perhaps q-taro) off. but... kai's deathly quiet. he lifts the gun from the scene. joe earned kai's own trust - the reason he wouldn't trail sara when he knew joe was there, the reason he could make the progress he did on the backdoor file, the person who meant so much to sara ever since she joined sonobeno... seeing her reaction, he can only expect as much. this was why he insisted she not handle the gun. he had faith in her, he always will, but it only takes one mistake, one lapse of judgement, for her to become a murderer. his sentiment stands: he'd rather she risk death than risk that fate. no, kai doesn't think less of her for it, certainly not, but even if they escape... she'll never be the same, and he mourns that. (and... yes. i do think he'd be frustrated with keiji's behavior. even in canon when this turns out well, i think he dislikes the pressure placed upon her when there are other adults around... and isn't that an issue, as well? kai was there, and yet he selfishly rescinded the chance to take the gun himself to keep his own conscience clear.)

and then all the other participants... they'd probably lock the blue room once the remaining four leave, but it'd cause such unease. two deaths that they know of, and they're both young kids. it's fucked.

kai dies:

- in this case, he dies without being able to clarify anything, not the data presented on the laptop, nor his own relationship with the chidouins as their guard... the participants aren't even given a chance to salvage his information

- not only that, he dies without being able to edit or extract the laptop data. no specific files pulled so the participants won't waste their time, no time to write the additional notes meant to encourage sara, the backdoor file may not be entirely finished, the laptop is easily accessible as a bargaining chip, his ID may be presented in the prize exchange if they think it's morbidly funny. just another tool, even in death, to stir unease...

- anyway, back to the present... he was the one fighting for sara to not take the burden upon herself. to the rest, he was right, and he died for it. but it's also much more personal than that too. even though she did end up as the candidate for the roulette, he still trusted her. not for a moment would he doubt her. with the gun to his forehead, he was calm and steady, never blinked or looked away, for he always held faith in the chidouins... he never wished to emburden them. he never wished for them to know the horrors written into him from such a young age. it would be bad enough for sara to have blood on her hands, but it leaves a bitter taste to think that it's his own death that'd be used against her in this...

- i also wonder what joe would do in this case... presumably, he knows kai was the 'stalker', but. sara's reaction would still be so visceral. it's not the time to tell her about this, is it? and even if he was a stalker, was it right for him to die? esp as/if more info comes to the surface... & depending on what joe heard since he wasn't as panicked as sara (though still reasonably afraid) when kai was so close + tried to warn them. aghhh...

keiji dies:

another person who, despite everything, put his faith in sara foremost. he was sketchy in his own right, sure, but he still made the first move to try to build the start of an alliance and get the group in order. and even if he killed someone before, he did seem torn up about it - wasn't that innocence enough? something to help her believe the better part of him? what he did wasn't intentional.. now she just wonders if this is how it felt... (additionally, joe would never be able to question keiji then abt his father's death... hm.)

q-taro dies:

similar reaction to keiji, where q-taro may have given it to sara (if he voted for her), but if he hadn't voted for her... then she'd feel like he's justified in that. she failed to uphold everyone's expectations. if they'd given it up to q-taro, if she wasn't so insistent with the other two backing her up, then he'd still be here. haunted by what they could've done differently... aghhh... oh this entire concept hurts.

[cross-my-heartt]

Some thoughts on the first book in the Thrawn trilogy.

They're a bit messy because I'm going off of memory as I didn't take notes at the time but oh well.

[MAJOR SPOILERS FROM HERE ON, BEWARE!]

I'm gonna start by saying that I didn't expect the adventures of space Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson but I'm definitely not complaining. It's a tried and true formula and Nightswan as their Moriarty worked well while it lasted.

Also you know a book and its characters are good when it gets you to cheer for the 'bad guys'. And I'm only putting that in quotes because you get a genuine sense that despite the corruption and bias galore, a large part of the personnel are just regular people working a job and trying to go about their lives.

Arihnda's arc was really well done - you sympathize with her while she's an underdog, getting betrayed, manipulated and used by others. She's wily and ambitious and resilient and you're like yas, queen slay. But the more she plays the game the more you see her crossing lines until the final arc where you realize just how ruthless she's become, or maybe always was, and you get that sense of 'oh shit'. (Keep in mind I haven't watched rebels so I didn't know where she would end up.)

It's the same sense you get when you reach the Wookie slaves arc and it sinks in that the quirky duo you've been following are in fact working for the most evil person in the galaxy.

As for Thrawn himself, I didn't expect to enjoy him this much. His final conversation with Nightswan in particular - I always felt like there was something off about his motivations and his apparent ignorance in politics. That scene confirmed that he's even cleverer and craftier than he lets on and put that dissonance to rest.

He's persuasive to the point where you almost wish things would go his way too. I love how it's a running theme throughout the book for people to be frustrated by how much sense he makes and you even sympathize with that as a reader sometimes.

I'm really happy with the parallels the author makes throughout, something I'm seeing in Alliances as well. There's Thrawn and his art and Eli and his numbers, Thrawn's 'bigger picture' logic and Nightswan's principles. Characters really shine when they have a good foil in the story.

And finally Eli. Another character I didn't expect to like so much. Such a genuine plucky guy. It was fun to see him go from being ambiguous about Thrawn to constantly being shocked at how much he trusts him. And being so protective of him, bless.

I'm glad he got his own arc, going from someone who's charted out his whole future and desperately wants to stick to what's familiar to being willing to leave all of that behind and jump into the unknown by joining the Chiss (which was foreshadowed in Thrawn's conversation with Nightswan but still made me a bit sad).

Of course, I do have some complaints, the biggest one being the dialogue and how clunky and awkward it feels at times. Which is especially obvious when you have these supposed cunning politicians throwing the simplest most blunt threats at each other with no subtlety whatsoever.

The book's exposition also suffered because of it. I daresay that has improved in book two but that may just be because there's less politician talk and it's a mostly military setting.

Finally a lot of Thrawn's conclusions feel like a huge reach but I'm willing to let that one slide. Say we assume he knows more than he lets on to the readers.

But all things considered, those are minor complaints and I really enjoyed the book. Can definitely say I'm tempted to see all four seasons of Rebels just to get more of Thrawn.

[linktoo]

MAG S5

You have to understand I really really wanted to like this season. I knew it was a different structure from seasons 1-4 and I LIKED THAT IT WAS, OK???

God. I know people said they didn’t like all of S5 but the beginning was set up so well. As someone who genuinely is not a fan of apocalypses in fiction, they did such a good job with act 1. Jon’s weariness as he learns to figure out his newfound powers but different from S4, as it is much more powerful, and that he has to navigate literal nightmare logic. The tapes he listens to over and over is so poignant. Hearing people in the past and trying to recontextualize it all after everything they’ve been through. The Birthday Tape. The Tim and Sasha comments about Jon being appointed as the archivist being seen as sexist is SO PERFECT it’s so powerful it’s such a natural convo. I’m obsessed. Of course it was taken that way and it turned out it’s just because Jon was chosen by an eldritch being. Dramatic irony at its peak.

And don’t get me started on Gerry and Gertrude. Their back and forth comments are so sly, the fact they hide a lot from each other but engage with each other on the same level. You can see the difference between that and Gertrude and Michael, where there was much more of an unequal power dynamic. Gertrude is not afraid to be herself with Gerry, and it is wonderful.

And FUCK god I was so into the abstract statements. I know people said they didn’t like them compared to the statements from S1-S4 but hoooly fuck I loved them. They were more retrospective and honed on fears more. The fact they had different Writing Structures was so clever, Jonny really focused on the creativity of the statements (at least for the first half of S5). I am seriously not usually one for poetry but it fucked so hard.

My favourites I remember in particular:

1) The stranger (Revolutions/The Merry-Go-Round statement)

wow. the stranger statement is.. wow. it's really good. I'm . I'm really not someone who's good at analyzing poetry on a technical level but the rhythm jonny uses in this.... is really impressive. powerful. draws from that spiralling, ebbing, flowing nature of that fear. I love your slam poetry Jon.

the fear of rapid change. constant. you're forced on the highest highs but lowest lows. you lose sight of who you are you want to stop but you can't and at the end of the day what were you chasing in the first place?

This specifically for the stranger really hones in on the idea of identity and losing parts of yourself and being unable to relate to our own concepts anymore

2) Martin’s Lonely statements (both of them)

A great retrospective on how Martin sees himself 

and him desperately but slowly learning little aspects about himself and promptly forgetting and losing himself and over and over. Just very cool.

Martin coming to terms with being glad his mom died is something… very personal. Very specific that I love very much. I wish we got to explore it a bit more outside of his domain. 

3) The Web (Strung Out)

"pause for laughter" gets me every time holy fucking shit it's so measured and cold. Neutral

The limbs being hooked in each limb representing every person in their life forcing them to act. Forcing them to be someone they're not. Blood is trickling everywhere. The bottle at the end really bringing back the "addiction is one of the strongest vectors of control there is" in S4.

I think this is the best exploration of the web in S5. 

My heart also really ached for Jon’s moments of humanity. His excitement when he realized there was a blind spot to his powers and that he just Doesn’t Know. The fact that he wasn’t allowed to remember the time with Martin in their little oasis break. His little moments of banter with Martin were so sweet. 

Now time to get into the issues of S5. It's definitely missing having other characters to bounce off of since there's not A plot + B plot. It's all A plot because it's just Jon and Martin the whole time, and while it's good, it's also difficult to take a break from it all. Martin/Martin in the Lonely and Jon/Helen was a good solution for a bit and the tapes in the very beginning, too. I think it could have been pushed way morem but the structure of S5 makes it inherently very hard to do that. 

Martin and Jon were Very Cute in the beginning and middle. Somewhere along the way, I do understand the touches of maintaining a healthy relationship in a high stress situation but something about the last act felt off. I saw people complaining that Jon and Martin bickered way too much and were “incompatible” and I kind of understand what they were getting at? It was all just “I love you” and focus on sacrificing themselves for the other without getting into more nuance, I think. I think especially with ‘new romance’ you have to establish and verify what exactly they are fond of for each other and that’s why it feels so strained later on. It’s why I know some people described S5 as very “pandery” for JonMartin content. It makes me sad because I genuinely think they would work, but the writing does miss it a tiny bit. I’d say OFMD is a good show that properly explores why Ed and Stede work together so well in comparison; honouring the good traits they see in each other that make them so admirable. 

I also think it's weird they reset Melanie's whole attitude to Jon back to "I hate him" because the last time he saw her she said she was there for him, that she is a friend. The cult was lackluster too, they were introduced too late into the season then get taken away to raise the stakes

The ending was rough. It was really, really rough, I’d say… episodes 190-200 I think. I can’t quite pinpoint where the concerns in the back of my mind started coming in slowly, but I do know that ep 200 really did it for me. I was seriously forced to realize how little payoff everything had compared to the earlier seasons. It is agonizing to know that all the plot beats were setup, but the execution was… not good. 

I think they heavily missed the mark and the catharsis wasn’t there. Anabelle was not as clever as she was set up to be. The idea of the web being the one to set up the tapes takes away from it being Jon’s thing in the end. “Mr. Spider wants more” never really felt earned, it just ended up being kinda spooky and they were never intending to kill Martin anyway. The cult just got taken away off-screen to raise the stakes just as they were introduced to explore prophet “worship”. 

Jonah/Elias was no threat at the end, Jon just kills him and that’s that. No fun showdown between Elias and Jon. You don’t even get to the buildup of Jon deciding to take his selfish choice at the end. I liked the statement that comes from how the fears are born, but I just really wanted some more back and forth, more push and pull between Jon and him as the final showdown. 

But Elias is just seen as this weak little puppet that Eye uses and Jon is still himself when he takes over as the pupil and Martin just kills him. They don’t even talk about the poetic reason Martin having to kill Jon, the one he loves at the end after being marked with so many fears or anything! It’s just “kill me and we’ll be okay. I hope”. I knew what would happen at the end, I knew it would be open, I knew Martin would kill Jon!!! And yet… it felt so robotic.

There’s no buildup at all to Jon’s decision to betray the rest of the group, it’s just… it’s just so all of a sudden. And it’s hard. It’s hard how abruptly they end and it’s hard how abruptly open it is, especially compared to the catharsis and reveal of S4. Because at the end of the day, TMA is a horror AND mystery podcast and there was basically… just supernatural spooky powers at the end of it, and that’s it. It felt rushed, it felt like the themes explored just didn’t quite hit its mark, and it’s devastating to finish S5 and feel like I’ve just kinda hit a dead end. It didn’t explore the final characters and their humanity and felt like a big rushed fight. I’m seriously still trying to understand my feelings after finishing tma. They said they had planned 200 episodes, starting from the end and yet the end was BY FAR the weakest part of the entire podcast!!! I was reeling for like 5 hours just completely unsure how I even got here!!

 It was disappointing, but at the end of the day I will heavily pack up my feelings for tma and still conclude.. It was a good podcast. I don't want to forget what made it loveable and brilliant in the first place.

I just wish I didn’t feel like the ending was as shallow as it felt.

==

[Masterlist] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] 

(thank you for everyone's nice comments and thoughts, it makes me smile)

[rileywrites-parker]

Congratulations on hitting 800!!!!!! You're writing is amazing and it's only a matter of time before you're celebrating 10k! For the celebration could I please request: If you have a crush on him. Congratulations 🎊 again!

Thank you so much! You’re very generous throwing words like that around, sweets. I’m not sure exactly what you were wanting, so I took said crush and ran with it. I hope you like this!

“P-Peter?” The sound of your voice, small, wobbly, andunsure had you cringing internally, nerves already running rampant and startingto crumble at your resolve. He didn’t really need to know, right? Thingswere OK as they were; you could go on admiring from a distance, and then upclose, and then so closely that that beautiful smile he so often directed atyou was almost painful.

That smile that was made of sunlight, sweet candy, andblushing spring-time flowers.

When he turned his attention to you from his phone, brightness of the screen casting dramatic highlights and shadows across pretty, angledfeatures; white light contrasting harshly against the neon blue and pinklighting his hair from behind, sounds of the city at night loud and obvious asyou walked; a pair of old sneakers and well-loved boots smacking wetly against thedamp pavement.

“Hmm?” The pleasant sound of inquiry moving beneath thehollow of a pale, freckled throat; that funny, always mused brow quirking as thin,bubblegum lips pulled into a smile.

Even the way those long eye lashes framed the darkchocolate earth of his eyes made your heart flutter as he looked at you; toffeecolored waves frizzy in the humid air despite the way he’d carefully styled itearlier.

You needed to tell him.

You had to tell him.

Your heart was pumping, stomach flipping, and your veinssinging, pleading, begging for him to know; asking a question, hoping thatmaybe, if he knew that particular query existed in the depths of your chestthat he’d provide the answer to it.

That funny brow of his quirked as your face grew serious andyour boots quieted; he tucked his phone into his pocket and offered a warm hand,fingers laced with concern wrapping around your shoulder as he took in thesight of you.

“What? What’s wrong?” Peter-infused tingles trailing downyour arm as that hand slid towards your sweaty palms.

Your eyes were caught on his fingers, the color of his knucklesand the way his nails whitened just a little as he squeezed at cold, rainsoaked skin; “I – umm, Peter, I - ” your eyebrows were furrowing as your nerveslassoed your words, last-ditch attempt at desperately trying to pull that secret back in before youcould set it free.

A sigh of frustration pushed past your lips.

“It’s OK, take your time, whatever it is,” he was leaningtowards you, angling his face so that your eyes had no choice but to see thesincerity in the brown of his, reassuring smile candy coating his lips. Withhis face so close to yours, white puffs of chilly, moist air mixing with thepuffs leaving you; the dewy sunshine smell of him lingering, honeyed brown ofhis eyes turning your veins into honey themselves, you couldn’t help but tosmile, couldn’t keep the blush from painting your cheeks as you looked down atthat hand that held yours so sweetly.

He noticed the colors staining your skin, noticed the wayyou had held your breath as his skin had slid over yours, when eyes met andhearts fluttered; the way your lips responded to his every time he showed youthat jittery happiness his body felt.

He noticed you hadn’texactly noticed all of the same things in him.

He had a secret question of his own.

If the blush and nervous breaths were anyindication, perhaps, he’d thought, this was the night you’d finally ask.

“Peter, I –,” there was one more unsteady exhale,determination glazing your eyes as you looked at him, cheeks pink and messyeyebrows climbing up a pale forehead, “I have a crush on you.” You were sureyou sounded ridiculous.

“O-oh?” If it were possible for his face to redden anyfurther, it had as soon as your words had hit his burning ears.

“Actually, I think it would be more accurate to say that Ireally, really – um – like you,”words pouring out of you now that your feelings were out and already fluttering above yourheads, little secret embers floating and waiting to be ignited or die out athis response.

You’d decided that whichever way it went, it would be OK.Peter was gracious and kind. Peter was good. It would be OK either way.

It would be OK.

It had been a second too long and your face was alreadyfalling, your heart with it.

It would be OK.

Had it been seconds, a minute, hours? You were alreadyretreating, looking for clever words to talk yourself back out ofthis, to make excuses that he would be able to use to smooth this over in that way that Peter always could.

It would be OK.

Your fingers were withdrawing from the warmth of his hand,pulling itself back towards the cave of your heart to hide away from thefeel of his skin that, maybe, shouldn’t have been touched, because, maybe, it wasforbidden.

But he tightened his grip, calloused thumb stirring at youremotions as he swirled his skin over top of yours; your heart fluttering again.

Would it be OK?

He surprised you when a beaming smile broke out across thewhole of him, white of his teeth blinding in the dark, pink and blue tingednight, and he was laughing, palm running through dampened chocolate waves whilethe other touched, “Oh. Oh, this is great, oh man, I’m so - ” and then both of his hands were on your shouldersand he was pulling you towards him, “I was justtexting Ned about this, and - ” excited chuckles like commas as he spoke, “I’vebeen wanting to tell you forever, Ijust – you’re so – so –just you, andI was afraid you didn’t – but I was - ohman,” your face was buried between the folds of his hoodie, warm hand atthe back of your neck, fingers weaving through the damp hair there as heheld you to him; engulfed in him, the feel of him, the warmth, the happiness, and the relief.

Then you just stood there, wrapped up in each other, skydrizzling and dampening hair and faces, hanging from eyelashes; conversation onpause as your chests moved together and your hearts pounded at each other,knocking on that door waiting to be opened that would lead you into a new pinkand blue space; trail unblazed and ready to be explored.

“Peter?” his muffled name spilling from you in question as your smiling lips spoke over thefabric that smelt like sparkling, sunshine infused grass in early spring.

“Hmm?” Sound of him pushing through his nose and tickling atyour ear.

“So, this means you like me back, right? Because it got alittle confusing, and all of the sudden you were hugging me, and I just want - ”

He cut you off with a quick, soft kiss to the cheek, heartstopping at the feel of those candied lips dusting your skin with sugar, “Yes,that means I like you back.”

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