#dutifully hoping that it will get good soon. even if i've hated every moment of it so far.

[cosmogyros]

Have you ever read such a truly awful, indescribably bad book that you almost unfollowed the author on Tumblr, even though they tend to reblog good shit, but then you save yourself from committing this illogical folly by instead diving headfirst into that classic work of queer literature, Brideshead Revisited, as a palate cleanser, and being instantly healed by how damn good the writing is?

[shera-dnd]

And the first commission of the month is done! This was so much fun to write and was sincerely the silliest thing I've written in a long time. Hope you all enjoy this as much as I did.

It was a busy day around the atlesian crater, the hole left at the center of Mantle when Atlas took to the sky. All around SDC workers moved about, setting everything up for the big event. And at the center of this whirlwind of people walked two women caught in conversation.

“What I’m saying is that it would be good for both our images for the leader of the atlesian branch of the White Fang, and the head of the SDC to be seen in public together,” one woman argued, “you know, show the world that our organizations can work together to build a better future.”

“And what I’m saying, Ilia,” the second argued, “is that you don’t have to come up with an excuse for me to spend time with a friend.”

“So you’re not coming to the event with me because?” Ilia asked, earning herself an eye roll from her companion.

“Because someone has to keep everything from going up in flames,” she argued, “trust me, I’d want nothing more than to relax and enjoy some time with my friends, but I really need to keep an eye on things.”

“Seriously, Weiss?” Ilia asked, sounding more than a little annoyed, “is there no one you can trust to handle things for you?”

“Well, there is you,” Weiss mused, seeming not to notice Ilia’s quick shift through shades of pink, before settling back on her normal skin color, “but I guess that defeats the point. There is also Winter, but she’s already super busy.”

“You know what? I’m gonna figure something out,” she offered.

“Ilia, you really don’t have to.”

“I’m serious,” Ilia insisted, “you deserve a break. Let me sort things out for you.”

“Thank you,” Weiss replied, smiling at her as she pulled her into a hug, “no breaking anyone’s teeth though.”

Ilia once again went on a journey through every possible shade of pink, as she was held close. It took some focus to get her colors under control, and even more to formulate a reply.

“Hey, I only did that once!” She countered, her voice faltering for a moment.

Weiss pulled away from the hug and was about to snark back, when they were both interrupted by the sound of jets.

“Salutations!” Greeted the source of the noise. Jets of flame came out of her boots as she flew down to ground level, carrying a massive sound system on each shoulder. She gently placed both of those down, before posing proudly before the two women.

“Penny!” Weiss greeted back, walking up to talk to her, “thank you so much for the help.”

“Don’t mention it, Weiss,” Penny waved off, “you’re helping Mantle, after all, so the least I can do is help you too.”

Penny then pulled Weiss into a rib crushing hug, and over the sound of all the air leaving her lungs, Weiss could swear she heard an annoyed groan coming from Ilia. She really didn’t understand why she got like that whenever she saw them talking together.

The android eventually let Weiss go - something her lungs were grateful for - and picked up the sound systems again, “so where do you need these?”

“Over by the main tent,” Weiss informed. She waved her hand, causing a spectral knight in white armor to appear next to them, it picked up one of the sound systems from Penny and tossed it over its shoulder with ease, “and, please, let me help you.”

Ilia only tapped her foot impatiently for a moment, before adding, “I just remembered I had something to do, so I’m gonna get going now.”

“Oh, see you later then,” Weiss replied, too distracted to notice Penny playfully sticking her tongue out at Ilia, “sorry we couldn’t spend much time together.”

“It’s alright,” though Ilia was clearly talking to Weiss, she wasn’t looking at her, instead her eyes were locked onto Penny. Well...that was odd. Maybe she should ask her what that was about once they weren’t all so busy with the charity event.

With that, Weiss waved her goodbye and turned to walk Penny to where she was needed, her summon dutifully following at their side.

“Weiss, I had the most sensational idea for the charity event,” Penny commented as they walked together, “what if we auction off a little flyby through Mantle, on the arms of the Protector of Mantle herself?” She offers, pausing to flex so she can really sell her point. Not that she really had to, because Weiss loved the idea already.

“Penny, that’s perfect!” She cheered, “I already know so many people who would pay a fortune for a chance to get carried around by you.”

The android looked almost bashful at that comment, it was kinda cute, even though she was still holding a piece of equipment that weighted easily as much as her. “Maybe we can do a little demonstration flight. I can take you for a ride around town, so they know everything is safe.”

Weiss chuckled at that, “oh, don’t worry about it. You’re the Protector of Mantle, no one needs proof that they’ll be safe with you.’

“R-Right, of course,” she stammered, obviously just a sign that Penny still didn’t know how to handle this much positive attention, “so do you need me to carry anything else?”

~~~

Penny slumped onto a nearby bench, exhausted and defeated. Her many internal sensors reminded her that she was still at full aura and had enough battery life for another week before her next mandatory recharge. But it wasn’t physical exhaustion that wore her out, it was emotional.

Weiss was sweet, loving, kind, and also really damn pretty. Penny had been keenly aware of this from the moment she got accidentally tackled to the ground all those years ago. What had taken her a while to figure out was that what she felt towards her was more than just friendly affection, and by then she found out she had competition.

“No luck?” Ilia asked, she had been sitting on that bench for a while now, lazily staring off at the sky.

“No luck,” she sighed in agreement.

The worst realization was one that came far more recently. Weiss Schnee was completely oblivious to any and all romantic approaches.

Ilia groaned loudly and leaned forward, burying her face in her hands, “how can someone so smart be so fucking stupid?”

“I don’t know,” Penny answered, leaning against Ilia. She didn’t seem to mind, she knew physical contact was how the android recharged her emotional batteries, “but it’s kinda cute.”

Ilia shot her the most infuriated glare she could manage, reds and yellows spreading through her skin...before dying down once again, “I hate that you’re right.”

“So what now?” Penny asked, ignoring the glare as she continued to lean against her.

“What do you mean ‘what now’?” She asked, sounding completely baffled, “the game is still on, Polendina. I’m still gonna spend my night with her.”

Ilia’s burst of competitive energy seemed to be contagious, because suddenly Penny felt far more energized. She jumped up to her feet and declared, “it will be a shame then that I’ll have to interrupt it to take her on a romantic flight through Mantle.”

They held an intense staredown for all of thirty seconds, before the both of them burst out laughing. Wow, they really were getting competitive over a silly crush, huh? It was so silly, but it was surprisingly fun too. Neither of them would really resent the other for ‘winning’, and they knew that, but they enjoyed keeping up the act.

“Good luck, Penny.”

“Good luck, Ilia.”

~~~

It was strange walking through the headquarters of the SDC like this. Not running from security, not stalking through the dark, just calmly walking in to see a friend. Ilia just couldn’t get used to it. All those guards just put her on edge, even if all they did now was nod politely and ask if she needed anything.

“Miss Amitola,” greeted Weiss’s secretary, “Miss Schnee is in the middle of a meeting, but she should be able to see you shortly.”

“Thanks, I’ll just wait here then,” she replied, taking a seat right outside Weiss’s office.

Gods, that was so weird.

Thankfully she soon found something to distract herself from the awkward silence of the office building. Specifically the fact that the room didn’t stay silent for much longer, because Weiss’s office walls weren’t half as thick as they should be.

“I don’t care if some rich idiots are uncomfortable!” Came Weiss’s muffled shout through her office walls, “this is about helping the faunus community living in the crater! I am not closing off the event to them!”

There was a short moment of silence, as whoever she was talking to quietly defended themself.

“Then they can go and cancel!” She shouted again, “if they don’t like being around those in need, then I don’t want them at the event!”

Ilia tried not to laugh as she watched that idiot scamper off, leaving behind a trail of “sorry, ma’am”s, “of course, ma’am”s, on his way out. Was it bad that watching Weiss verbally eviscerate a man kinda made her crush on her even more? Maybe, but Ilia didn’t care.

Deciding not to question her taste in women, Ilia simply got up and held the door before it had the chance to close behind the man. “I take it you could use some good news,” she offered.

“Please,” Weiss asked, massaging her temples.

“So I was checking on what agents we had available around Solitas,” she explained, casually walking in and taking a seat, “and I think I found someone who can take care of things for you.”

“Look, I appreciate it, but I really don’t want to outsource my responsibilities like that,” Weiss argued, “besides, I’m not gonna trust this event to someone I don’t know.”

Ilia leaned back and shrugged, “I guess I’ll have to tell our favorite Belladonna to cancel it.”

“Wait!” Weiss said, nearly doing a double take, “Blake is here?”

“She just finished a mission in Argus, and was coming over here for a visit,” she answered, “I barely said a word about the event before she offered to help.”

“Of course she did,” she sighed, “she really needs to learn to take a break.”

“And you don’t?” Ilia asked.

“I’m fine,” she insisted, only earning herself a raised eyebrow, “I’m serious!”

“Schnee,” she called, leaning forward again, and looking Weiss dead in the eye, “you’re taking a break even if me, Blake, and Penny have to carry you out of this building ourselves.”

“Fine,” Weiss crossed her arms and groaned, sliding a little down her chair as she did.

“Was it that hard?” Ilia asked, thoroughly amused by this.

“Yes,” she answered.

“Shame,” Ilia had to laugh at that, “but how about you rest, relax, and enjoy the evening with me?”

“That… that does sound nice,” Weiss agreed.

Ilia smiled, looking far too pleased with herself, and got up.

“See you at the event then.”

Ilia had barely taken a step out of the office, when her favorite android stepped in.

“Hey, Wei--Oh, Ilia!” Penny greeted, looking confused for a moment, before realizing there was only one possible reason for the faunus to look so pleased.

This time it was Ilia’s turn to stick her tongue at her.

“Penny!” Weiss cheerfully called, as she stepped out to greet her, “what are you doing here?”

“Oh, well, dad made a little extra for lunch today, and I know you haven’t had anything home made in a while, so I thought you’d appreciate a little Polendina family recipe,” she explained, gesturing towards a bag she’d been holding.

“Oh thank you,” Weiss replied, taking the bag and giving Penny a quick kiss on the cheek, “I don’t know what’d I’d do without you two.”

Ilia was somewhat annoyed that she didn’t get any kisses for her whole plan, but she still had plenty of time to work on that, and besides she was the one who scored herself a date. So suck it, Polendina.

Oh speaking of which.

“I should probably get going. I gotta go welcome Blake once she gets here,” Ilia excused herself, before adding a pointed, “see you at the event later.”

“See you there,” Weiss replied, “and give Blake a hug for me.”

“Will do,” and with that she was off.

It didn’t take long for her to hear heavy metal steps catching up to her.

“Did she say yes?” Penny asked.

“She did,” Ilia answered, turning around to look at her, “ready to admit defeat?”

“Never!”

“Well, I’m the one with a date tonight, not you, so suck it tin can!” Ilia taunted.

And Penny let out a loud gasp, covering her mouth with her hand. “Ilia!”

Ah crap, did she cross a line?

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that,” Ilia apologized in a panic, “I’m so sorry.”

Penny’s look of offense and horror quickly melted away into a fit of giggles. Oh she did not just do that just to mess with her! How dare she!?

“Oh, you little shit,” Ilia accused, but any menace in her tone was completely undermined by her skin shifting an embarrassed pink.

That stupid robot somehow thought that meant it was okay to give her a hug. It wasn’t, and her getting pinker didn’t mean shit.

The two gay idiots bickered for a little while longer, thinking it was just the two of them in the halls of the SDC, before taking their leave. But there was someone there, pearing just outside the office doors, watching this all unfold.

~~~

The event had finally begun. The Crater Community Charity Event, organized by the SDC for raising funds to help improve the infrastructure of the neighborhoods in and around the atlesian crater. Since those neighborhoods were majority faunus, the White Fang took particular interest in making sure the event went well, and that the charity was well funded. Which is why no one seemed surprised that the leader of the local branch was walking around like she owned the place.

Not that some of the rich bastards didn’t glare at her as she walked by, still mistrustful of her and her organization. But what were they gonna do? Kick her out? Those assholes barely had the guts to do more than glare, especially when she was accompanied by the woman running this event.

Weiss seemed to delight in that, the act of infuriating so many terrible people simply by enjoying herself, and knowing that these people could do nothing to stop her. It was a level of pettiness that Ilia couldn’t help but respect.

Though unfortunately the head of the SDC was far more perceptive to angry glares than she was to loving glances, or perhaps she would have noticed how Ilia had looked at her that entire evening. No matter, they were still enjoying their date, even if it was more a friend date between gal pals, than an actual romantic one.

“Hey, Weiss,” Ilia called, just loud enough that Weiss could hear it, but hopefully nobody else, “I really appreciate getting to spend time with you today.”

“Ilia, you’re my friend,” she answered, “you don’t have to thank me for something like that.”

Gods, this girl was oblivious.

“I’m serious,” she insisted, “it means a lot. I really do enjoy your company, and I...and I…”

Before she could find her words, a bright green light streaked across the sky above them and landed nearby. Oh, just what Ilia needed right now...

Weiss gasped, “the auction is about to start!”

And next thing Ilia knew she was getting dragged along through the crowd towards where several rich weirdos gathered. At the center of it all was Penny Polendina, posing like a superhero straight out of a comic, as Blake Belladonna announced the auction. The right to a flight through Mantle in her strong robot arms.

It didn’t take long for the bids to skyrocket higher than Penny herself could, as many rich idiots offered to pay exorbitant amounts of money for the right to get bridal carried through the sky. Well at least this was all going to faunus communities in need.

As more people made their bids Ilia noticed just how few of them were men. Most of the people willing to pay for that flight were women, some of them just for the thrill of the flight, some clearly sapphics, and some in even clearer denial. For a moment there, when they were deep in the five digit territory, it seemed like a member of team denial was about to get her win. An older rich woman, obviously displeased with her husband, and about a light breeze away from a proper gay awakening.

But she was denied that when Weiss shouted, “a hundred thousand lien!”

Ilia’s heart sank and the crowd went quiet. Lady Denial nudged her husband a few times and they seemed to have a quiet argument, before she resigned herself to her defeat. Well, at least Ilia wasn’t the one most disappointed by this turn of events.

“What are you doing!?” She hissed at Weiss.

“I’m winning you a date,” Weiss whispered back.

“You’re what!?”

“I saw you talking to Penny after you left the office, you don’t have to hide it, Ilia,” Weiss said, somehow thinking that explained anything.

“What!?”

“Come on, the moment she giggled you turned pinker than I’ve ever seen you,” Weiss continued, and Ilia was pretty sure she was about to pop a blood vessel, “and the way you’ve been looking at her all the time. You have the most obvious crush ever.”

So that’s how Ilia found herself being flown high over Mantle, in the arms of her romantic rival. The flight had been completely silent, neither really wanting to talk about this turn of events, or even acknowledge that it was happening. This was the stupidest way this night could have possibly gone.

“I think we should tell her,” Penny eventually said.

“Yes, yes we should,” Ilia was forced to agree.

~~~

“Weiss!” She heard Ilia call, along with the sound of Penny’s jets, “we need to talk!”

Weiss turned around right on time to catch Penny land and gently help Ilia stand.

“Well, you two are back early,” she commented, “did something happen?”

“Yes,” they both answered at the same time. Oh? That wasn’t a good sign.

“Weiss, we know you’re just trying to be a good friend,” Penny began, trying to soften the blow of Ilia’s clear annoyance.

“But this is really getting absurd,” Ilia continued.

Weiss blinked a few times, “I’m confused, what’s going on?”

Ilia and Penny looked at each other for a moment, they gestured a few times as if silently arguing over something, before Penny stepped forward.

“Ilia isn’t crushing on me,” she finally spoke, though she needed a deep breath before continuing, “she’s crushing on you, and so am I.”

“Excuse me!?” Weiss blurted, looking completely befuddled.

Ilia sighed and took this as her cue to step in, “we like you, damn it! We’ve been trying to tell you for ages, but we couldn’t get you to take a hint!”

“So all those times you’ve both been really insistent on helping me or spending time with me…”

“It was a display of romantic feelings, yes.” Penny answered with an energetic nod.

“And you guys kept staring at each other, and snarking…”

“It was us getting competitive,” Ilia explained, “playfully,” she added.

“Huh,” she responded, a tiny humorous smile forming on her face, as if she had finally understood the punchline to a joke, “so I take it you two expect me to choose one of you now?”

“That would be preferable,” Penny answered.

Weiss seemed to ponder for a moment, looking between the two of them as if she was weighing the pros and cons of each option.

“Both,” she declared.

“Both!?” They echoed.

“Yes, both.”

“Is that an option?” Penny asked, appearing very confused.

“If you’re both okay with that,” Weiss answered, with a tiny shrug.

“Oh, of course the privileged little Schnee would go and choose to have everything,” Ilia complained.

“Is that a no?” Weiss asked, sounding almost like a challenge.

“Of course it isn’t!” She yelled back, pinks shooting all over her hair as she walked up to her and took her hand.

Penny practically flew as she went to grab the other one, happily giggling the whole time.

Weiss smiled, kissed them both on the cheek, and walked back to the charity event with both girlfriends in hand.