#doubt anyone remembers me which. good tbh. i did many embarrassing things in the nine-ish years I've been here

[nox-et-stellae]

i hope whoever still pays attention to this blog knows that it's basically a graveyard i collect some pretty pictures in once in a while. don't expect anything from me thanks x

[lunarmoonflowyr]

hey i’m love my girlfriends and as i’m wont to do imma make big mushy posts for them because i’ve been feeling emotional lately <3

for @transwitchery, quite possibly the most precious human being i have ever had the pleasure of interacting with <3

i met Sammy about....uhhhhh....probably eight/nine months ago, cus she posted the CUTEST selfie and i was like

o shit

she cute

imma flirt

because that’s usually my default reaction when I see a cute girl, cus I’m a big ol gay. 

she had on this rly cute dress?? and her hair was like, adorable, and she had like this really cute half-pout face on and i was like dawwwwwwwwwwww

it was cute. 

I honestly don’t remember a WHOLE lot about our initial interactions because my memory is Grade S Awful, and the tumblr messenger won’t let me go back and look because it’s Very Functional, but I do remember that my nerve failed me and my actual flirting just fucking Failed

but I enjoyed talking to her!! she was nice!! and v sweet!! so i followed her!

i think she followed me back but then she unfollowed me at some point for some reason but anyway

we sorta talked on-and-off for a few months, nothing super consistent but we did talk, I considered her a friend. It was about when ah...let’s see, I want to sayyy...hmm...November? October, ish? when we started really consistently talking?

AND THAT IS WHEN THE FLIRTING STARTED

although it wasn’t PROPER flirting at first, it was just me being friendly and calling her cute and adorable and okay fine it was technically flirting i guess. But I didn’t really plan on DOING anything about it, at the time I was dating other people, she didn’t seem particularly interested (which I have now learned was just obliviousness)

but I mean, having a crush isn’t really new to me. At any given moment I think I have about half a dozen to a dozen different crushes of varying levels, so the fact that I had a crush on her never really...idk, affected how I talked to her? I just treated her like I would any friend, crush notwithstanding. 

the crush started getting a lot more intense throughout december tho, and i was like fUCK WHAT DO

because like, the relationship I was in at the time, while technically poly, my partners at the time didn’t really want me to actually flirt with anyone else at the time. the relationship was getting REALLY strained around that time though, for various reasons, and Sammy sorta...well, became someone I felt much less stressed around. 

so I think that definitely had an impact on the crush, because being around her was just WAY less stressful than the rest of my life. she was always really nice to me, and I vented to her once or twice about small things and she listened. 

when my relationships officially ended all around the first week in January, I talked with her about it a little bit, but I mostly just talked to her more in general. being around her felt good, it was comfortable and safe and being around her just sorta made things a lot less shitty. 

it was around this time that I realized that I...trusted Sammy, quite a bit. Which was a very weird feeling for me, because I’ve been through a lot in my life and most of it has added up to a distinct lack of ability to trust people. But I trusted her, she was someone that I would go to just...to talk, to be around, because she made me feel safe. I trusted her, and I felt good talking to her and being with her. 

then I really started falling for her, and I amped up the flirting a little bit. She still didn’t really seem interested, but I wasn’t sure if she was disinterested or just didn’t realize that I was flirting. She was flirting with another girl at the time, and at some point she asked me for advice.

and I told her to just tell the girl how she felt instead of dancing around the issue.

...

shut up. I followed my own advice!! I mean, the advice was just as much me talking to myself as it was to her, tbh...ahaha...>//>”

so I confessed that I had one big fat crush on her and that I liked her and WHOO BOY LEMME TELL YOU

THE NEXT 24 HOURS WERE HELL ON MY ANXIETY

CUS SEE, SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO BED

AND MY NERVOUS, GAY ASS WAS STILL ON THE FENCE ABOUT FESSING UP

So after she went to bed I was like “fuck it, if I don’t do this now I’m never going to do it” 

I gave her a good ten minutes to head to bed, and then I fessed up. 

the next evening she responded, and gave a rather rambly and disjointed response, but the general gist of it was that she wasn’t interested. Which was fine! I honestly didn’t expect much to come of it, so I told her it was fine and I just focused on being her best friend~

I mean, that didn’t stop me from falling further and further in love with her. She was honestly adorable, and one thing that started really getting to me was how fucking gorgeous she is. 

Like, I identify as grey-ace. I have hypersexuality and a REALLY high sex drive, but I don’t really experience sexual attraction. With a few exceptions. I can think of...fffour, off the top of my head, where I felt actual, real sexual attraction. Two ex-girlfriends, my current girlfriend Jasper, and...Sammy. 

Actual, physical attraction. I mostly tell people I’m a lesbian cus, I like girls, girls are pretty, I have aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction to girls, but rarely physical, sexual attraction. So the fact that I was RIDICULOUSLY attracted to her, in all ways possible, just made the crush even worse. 

I mean, I still flirted with her. Constantly. But I tried to constantly make sure that it was okay, that I wasn’t crossing any lines. She set up boundaries, she made it clear what would be too far, and I respected it. 

Then about two weeks ago, something was...different~

The good kind of different. 

She started reciprocating the flirting almost, and she started getting...almost forward. A little before then she had started initiating conversations, she was poking me if I took too long to respond, and being VERY chatty. And as someone with anxiety and autism and a boatload of other mental illnesses, traits me and her have in common, I know that when we do that, that means we REALLY LIKE whoever we’re doing it to. 

At the end of that week, on Friday, she got...curious. I had mentioned a voice I could do, a seductive voice, that was my secret weapon for whenever I wanted to SERIOUSLY fluster someone or turn them on. And she doubted my abilities and wanted a demonstration. 

As anyone who has heard me do that voice will know, that led to some...very interesting places, of which I will let her mention if she ever wants to~

But essentially, that night broke all the boundaries me and her had established previously. 

We talked about that fact, and the next day, well...she asked me out, and of fucking course I said yes. 

I was honestly over the fucking moon. And I’m so, so happy still. I was already pretty much in love with her, and this past week has only increased that feeling almost tenfold. I feel so, so incredibly safe around her, I feel happy and warm and good and talking with her is pretty much the highlight of my day. 

I trust her and Jasper more than anyone, I can talk to her and I know she won’t judge me. She won’t expect me to do more than I’m capable of, she understands me and cares about me despite my (numerous) flaws. 

I treasure her company greatly, I love her so so so much. She’s precious and adorable and wonderful and there are so many good things about her. She’s funny, she makes me laugh constantly, she’s absolutely ADORABLE and has the cutest mannerisms. The way she hides half of her face with her hair. 

The way she’ll just stare at me for a good few minutes sometimes, making these cute little noises and giggles and then getting REALLY blushy when I ask her what she’s doing, (knowing full well what she’s doing)

The way she’ll randomly start lip-syncing to whatever song she’s listening to, promptly getting embarrassed about it. 

The way she keeps constantly forgetting that I’m not actually there when we video call and she’ll move to reach over to touch me, and it’s ADORABLE. 

And when she’s sleeping she looks so cute, she’s so peaceful and she’ll get this smile on her face sometimes and it’s so, so precious. She gets so flustered sometimes too, and she’s honestly BEAUTIFUL. 

Like...oh my god. She’s so, so beautiful and so cute, I like, I blush when I THINK about her. Her hair is wonderful, her jawline murders me, she has SUCH PRETTY EYES, a really really cute voice, like aaaa, and her laugh cures my depression, and her smile is so bright and good and wonderful.

She makes me smile so much, she makes me feel so safe and important and warm and happy and good. And she’s so important to me, and so special, and I love her so sososososo much >////<

It’s honestly impossible to put into words how much she means to me. But I tried >///<