#dont wanna cry but y'all helped me realize that my first love has never left me

[slippinninque]

I just realized that I haven't posted any work (up until my first fic on here) for...like...4 maybe 5 years? Maybe longer, honestly.

Either way, being here has been good for me. I'm writing and reading, things I loved to do that I thought would never feel good again.

Here I am. Doing what feels good.

Thank you to all who take the time to read and interact, I feel like a well watered flower 💕

[thetruejesterofgenocide]

i dont know what to call this honestly “am i sleep deprived or just feeling deprived without her ?”

THIS IS ALOT OF READING WARNING NOW )welllll here i am its 1:00 in the morning about and im just sorta sitting here thinking ya know ? like about life and like what i wanna do with my life and im left with a question. why in gods green earth do my thoughts still fall to you hmm ? cause honestly i dont know you've moved on to somebody new and so have i yet im coming to realize im the only one who isnt happy in this situation i dont love her hell i barely like her haha .. you see up until this point ive just been doing what everyone has been telling me” too do get over you , be happy , find someone else “ haha little does everyone else know im a fucking mess you know though dont u ? i bet you know alot more then u let on haha you have always been able to read me like a book honestly u might not even read this now that i think about it cause god only knows the last time you checked my tumblr but fuck it im gonna write it anyway like i was saying ive just been doing what people tell me to do and well im fucking sick of it but it doesnt seem like i can do anything about it so ive just been biding my time and thinking playing my mask as well as i can to everyone else ya know ? cant have people realizing im a manic depressive freak ( amongst other things ) haha this is probably the last time i might ever mention this topic cause like i told u i would and well i sound pretty damn psychotic now that im sitting here reading this so if anything it prob is just gonna scare u so im sorry but let me stop rambling and just get back on topic and type what i was gonna type if the person who this was intended for gets this far then well thanks and this is what i actually wanted to say

 “ honestly i dont know what to do anymore i miss u so fucking much its honestly wild but i cant tell u that now can i ? your happy with him he makes you smile i dont know how deeply that thrives in you but it seems special to you so ive been accepting of it cause you may be my ex but you where my best friend first so my first thought has been to make sure your happy haha and ik you want me to be happy to and well im trying hah it isnt working but i am trying for you ya dork haha but well ya let me get on with what im saying is i felt like i was loosing my mind before i met u i had no drive to do anything at all till you came along and when u did god damn did u hit me like a fucking mac truck beautiful funny relaxing charming ( yes girls can be charming ) smart trust me i could go on for hours but to put in simply you where well like me in a way u understood me and i understood u in a sense but in a more proper sense i didnt understand a damn thing about u and maybe thats what brought me to u you where a fantastic puzzle of a person this shell of faked joy and excitement to cover up a more delicate inside that had been hurt one too many times  and i could tell u just wanted a friend someone that wouldnt leave no matter what which from what i had gathered in a short time had been promised to you and broken way too much so i told my self “ john your gonna be her friend no matter what the cost “ and years went by of me helping u and you helping me and sure we had our rough spots im not gonna lie but we got threw it together and in that time well i grew to well i guess youd call it love you and in that moment i relized that ive been going threw this relationship thinking you needed me that u depended on me which may be true im still not sure but well im trying to say i needed you and need you maybe even more then u do me haha youve done more for me then i think u could ever happen to understand 

and well ya lets flash forward to about a year and ahalf ago when i felt like the luckiest guy in the entire world thanks to u haha cause i finally gained the confidence to ask the girl i had been crushing over out and surprisingly you said yes ! then proceeded the most interesting 10 months of my life haha also probably some of the happiest cause whether you believe it or not you where the damn best girlfriend i ever did have haha and then well we broke up and well im not gonna lie even though it was for good reasons i sorta felt something inside me creak and snap a very serious internal conflict if u will . cause on one hand u wanted to better your self which im perfectly okay with but on the other hand well we broke up haha and i had no idea how to handle that like at all so l sorta lost it for a bit there alot of anxeity and panick attacks and nights alone crying but then things started looking up honestly it seemed like we might get back together and i was honestly excited shit haha we basically did for a little while and well during the brief time of your little fling i guess youd call it you showed me another part of my self a more confident part of my self that well genuinely ment to protect you but well dominate u at the same time which was a very interesting feeling to have this innocent person give her self to me and to be responsible for her happiness and health and well being and during that time to me you where everything i never knew i needed or wanted i wouldn't trade that experience for the world i swear on that much cause we might be separate but your still my angel and u always will be i promise did u know i refuse to call “her “ angel ? well ya i wont do it its the one name i wont use cause well its yours haha the single name u liked me calling you besides your own name and u best believe i abused the shit out of it  but anyway back on track then that ended you and him got together .. which well it hurt alot like a fuck ton i didn't really know how to react so i just tried to revert back to my original function be happy cause your happy and well it just isnt working anymore so i dont know im just sorta trying anything at this point cause ik you dont like seeing me upset especially when it has something to do with you 

   so i got a girl friend and i fucking hate it so much haha and if you think this is some thing im trying to to take u from him or something isnt haha you know i wont interfere with your relationship well guess what all of this brings me to what i was actually thinking about

 am i stupid or in love or maybe just stupidly in love 

? is there a future for us ? cause you only ever tell me maybe haha ?

 is .. is he better then me ? 

 im sorry for hurting u

 . im sorry for not always being there im sorry for well alot of things 

 But im thankful for you , for how much you have been there , for putting up with my shit , for being open with me for being my friend for being an amazing girl friend for caring and so so much more yes believe it or not this is a note of me trying to thank u cause i dont think ive really ever shown just how much i appreciate you dork 

 you dont have to answer these questions and well im damn surprised if you've read this far down aha to those who have read this that is wasn't meant for this far down sorry aha it was just one of those nights where i needed to vent and this is one place where i can actually do that without my family freaking out on me  thanks y'all im gonna go do something else for the rest of the morning