#don't show up and immediately air out all of your 'well I'm just super yt-' commentary u've been bottling up for Creator knows how long

[zo1nkss]

Every time I have to rejoin tumblr, /every single time/ without fail, there's 1 yt person who absolutely HAS to show up in my DMs un-prompted looking for ally cookies and then they never fucking leave and just drop in to say the most random irtelivent stuff abt racism with no explanation.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary231

5/3/2024

friday

listening to cursive.

tomorrow i need to work too, then 2 days off, 3 days on opening, and then i'm off on my trip. in that span of days, it seems like something could happen. so i'll see about trying to help out there.

otherwise, the back-up is slowing stuff down, which is okay, i watched pinnocchio 964 today cuz of that. tomorrow maybe i'll watch rubber's lover, and then the other short of his that's on yt, i think it's his latest film as well.

i quite liked pinnocchio 964, there were bits where i didn't, where i was not on-track with it i think, but then it draws me back in. i think i fell off with points that seemed i guess, because i can be over-sensitive or think about it too much, moments that seemed woman-hating-ish. i don't know if that's true. well, from the end, in truth, i don't think that's the case. it ends with recognition, dissolution, and the film is non-narrative as much as it wants to trick you into thinking it is, it's kind of guerrila in all ways in that respect, it sneaks itself in, it is signal-jamming, abrasive in pointed ways, the chewing sounds of caterpillar, the excess of vomit, and crowd shots, the very public nature of these films, it is super pointed. and so, in what at first seems like a construction that leads to all women in a narrative being some negative force, it turns out to something else, negating the narrative, it allows things to float for one, the betrayal is turned into something else and it is grounds for a rejoining. the film is utterly butoh as well, more than cyberpunk i think, utterly angura, the betrayal becoming a jewel which refracts the relation of the two amnesiac leads into a strange prism at the end, where they are united in some odd comet on shoulders, almost, that is love, that is potential, that is killing your boss and killing the conditions that produce the knowledge of what you are to non-become.

that is a perfect couplet to what tetsuo accomplishes, two different kinds of radical vision, oasis-dreams of methods, or, hallucinatory methods containing crumbs on which we may subsist and grow from. (though, i suppose to many, the growing may be wrong, amoral, incoherent, odd, unpopular, and whatever. i think it could be something though and it is what i grew from, the droplets that went to other works, i climb through a rotted history, it speaks to me how to at least imagine alterations, hopefully, it can guide them too, in my body. this is too close to faith, but i am very scared in ways, i want to, i have to, so forgive the faith. i make no leap, no, i reject the faith, it will guide me, it is no-thing, as lispector said, the meaninglessness of veins, compulsion, gnawing, the teeth in the night.)

where i fell of with the movie at other points, was the puking and food stuff. sometimes i just get so queasy... something about eating the vomit...and it being so chunky. just a lot. it's probably because i gag so much brushing my teeth now, but i've always been hyper-aware of my stomach, how it feels + how it looks and when it looks good and what that means on the inside. that gets to bad stuff i should not indulge in myself, i think, or i guess it is impolite to but is it really bad to think on? sometimes, the emptiness propels me. but i do eat, so it's not bad or anything really, or it's not like i'm going without. i am just aware, almost constantly i guess.

anyway, i need to get off the computer soon, and i want to get to writing soon also!! how crazy. i want to write a little badly i think, but i need to get my pc all normal and stuff and not laggy when i write. the movies are good for that. i like that they confront me with discomfort. it helps me get at what i am scared of in my life right now, and the disgust / discomfort in my immediate, and my terrors in the immediate too.

they are also inspiring just in the way that they're cheap and guerilla. just shoot shoot shoot. invent in thin air before everyone, the crowds, the public, show them, let them in, make them see, even.

the butoh aspect of the film is really incredible. it feels really like the most important thing to catch, idk, the embodiment, the malady and pain, the struggles of being, like, being inside your own bones, the film expresses that. it is not cyberpunk, it is as about the present as anything could be, just what does that feel like, and what places do some of us go. its sci fi dressing is really not its interest, it's almost a kind of method for reaching at another set of poetics. which is very exciting!

anyway...soon stuff will be regular on my computer and i will write stuff out and hopefully finish that project...and then more and more and more and forever till i die!!!!!!!!!!

so until then, (speaking, with laughter)

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!