#don't send me RYAN GOSLING MUSIC old man

[papercutsunset]

the sequence of written events in 2023 is, like:

early january (BD), the cains get home and have some winter fun after a really shitty christmas eve (WHY are you trying to go swimming? it's SNOWING, you know)

march 10-18 (PP2), tiff infects herself with a parasite and gets stuck in an on and off snowstorm in a different town, eats a dead deer, shoots a guy in the neck. denny has a weird fucking time.

[played: march 11-14, three teenage boys uncover a slime plot]

march 18 (unhooking), dr. lowe gets called to do some weird-ass surgery in the morgue and does NOT enjoy pulling a weird parasite out of the clumsy intern's organs

[played: march 31, father job marries zlob and esther in the back of the wondermart while jeb jr is going through puberty outside]

mid-may, bloodsaw wakes up in a graveyard and immediately has to get a job (thanks, angels)

late may, the cains move into the house (thanks, angels!)

early june (MLSG), bloodsaw steals a laptop and a car and runs tiff over with said car; the car breaks down fourteen hours away from home; what's this, the clowns are killing people and there's something stalking kay and denny? weird. time for a massacre (thanks, clowns)

late june (Tiff Flashes A Fed), tiff gives halverson information on peepaw so she can make sure bloodsaw legally exists

july 3-5 (AwLF), tiff tries so hard to get a letter to a teenage boy, delivers a baby, gets so fucking injured

july 10 (THA), kepler steals a golf cart so tiff has to go to canada (thanks, feds)

july 11, tiff and elton go to boris covington's house, don't murder each other, and go to tim horton's. tiff's heart stops beating. elton gets bonesmacked. the berrycloths show up to heal tiff. she lies to the police about getting kidnapped by a madman who ran off into the woods. melvin j berrycloth gets in her head (thanks, elves)

july 15 (planetarium), tiff and elton go to lake wonder. elton does shenanigans with his favorite boy and tells tiff they're going to have lunch tomorrow. tiff immediately gets sucked into a plot to find a way into the pocket dimension and then crash a party that gets very gruesome very quickly.

august 12-15? (Lubeverse 2), tiff and bloodsaw find a possum thing named lube while hunting hidebehinds in the forest. tiff starts working on an adapted interdimensional communication device and bloodsaw hangs out with lube for a while before ultimately killing them

august 16 (BCA), bloodsaw gets isekaied to the goddamn north pole, gets kissed, gets stabbed, becomes santa (not in that order)

august 18, bloodsaw calls tiff from the north pole and quits their job

august 19, tiff shows up, declares it's the anniversary of her divinity (it is), and tries to make bloodsaw take a mattress (they don't)

[not anything, just worth mentioning: drake has a birthday around this time]

august 23, HOT ELF DATE