#don't roblouge duh -

[syssyadmin]

realizing slowly that my inability to take care of myself is not for lack of time like. every time i break from work for an extended period or only work part-time or whatever i still have an abundance of time to myself yet i don't take care of myself. big component is the lack of energy that i face whether or not i work and the lack of access i have to any sort of help. like. i've spent the past 10 or so years trying to figure out how i can be a very hard worker and yet still can't do the things i enjoy or get off the computer or take care of myself. and the conclusion i'm slowly approaching is that, well, most of my peers in these situations have also been hard workers and all, but they also haven't been experiencing constant non-stop pain performing regular activities, they don't spend every day feeling completely exhausted, and if given the opportunity to sleep without alarms or responsibilities, their bodies actually do wake them up after a good night's rest instead of letting them sleep 12+ hours straight.

idk. slowly coming to terms with it all, and it's not really stressful bc none of this recognition changes the material conditions of my life but. i think i might be waaay more ""disabled"" than i give myself any credit for. like "i work a stressful manual labor job, i couldn't possibly be disabled because that's the social requirement you must be able to fulfill to be considered able!" and yet my life is perpetually in fucking shambles around me. i have no ability to plan for more than a week of my life at a time because of how unpredictable my energy levels will be, i can hardly even make doctor's appts let alone try to make arrangements to attend the wedding i'm supposed to be at this summer. and like. the rest of my family is not struggling with that. most of my peers are not struggling with that. i need help and i need to learn to accept it and seek it and i might just need to admit that i can't handle any of this shit on my own..