#don't know if there's any actual resonances there but felt strong enough to note

[ewingstan]

All Women Are Bisexual in Wildbow Novels.

[svft2jae]

[6:30PM]

"these verses are for you, my angel

whose been the reason love has turned so heavenly to me

to you, a unique one many would tell as complicated

but who deserves to be loved, treasured in the same intensity

yes, you've came to be

the purest feeling i own, my only certainty

that shines in my eyes every time im honored to hear

your magnificent voice,

the only door

to the world i see."

for the third time through this rainy evening you recite the last line of the sketch in your hands, right then pressing it against your chest. at this point, fight the bitter knot of anxiety in top of your throat was almost like a torment, when after so long you had finally come to reify, or more specifically in romantic rhymes, everything you kept inside yourself for the only person who made all the love songs finally have sense, especially when you'd hear them resonating like honey drops in tunes sung out of your beloved's lips. almost immediately as you looked back at the writing between your fingers there you could already bring to mind all of his details such as the way his bright, almond eyes closed filled with emotions every time he gave in to singing, even if only by quiet notes like hummings while preparing something in the kitchen — yes, everything that meant doyoung, from his broad shoulders to his strong personality that you ended up learning to love albeit being so different from yours, every memory tinted by his colors once again flashed back behind your eyelids as if they were already another part of yours, making you forget any sadness or weight, except for a simple one which always kept bringing your feet back to the floor of reality.

with that you take a deep breath and pushed the white material away buried deep in your jacket's pocket, resting your head which suddenly seemed to become as heavy as a rice package against the front door of the apartment him and your long-time best friend mark shared, being it the last thing to separate you from the no return decision of confessing all those feelings taking over you for so long. little by little together to all the memories gradually a flood of questions came back as well to your mind, among them the clear words once told by mark, the same ones that ever since made your throat burn and nights go by without you being able to sleep, every day at the same time your insides grew filled with love.

"you and doyoung are pretty much in the same age difference as both my friends taeil and hyuck. that's a bit complicated, since you can't just predict someone's feelings. he can might not see things like you do, y/n."

you remember it this way what the older one said at the last afternoon when you had asked him for advices, his kind expression a little worried as he lowered his guitar to meet your blank staring face right then. not that you hadn't ever thought of such a possibility, but over time, over how much you saw him when he often visited your theater group rehearsals with mark and his other classmates, amid the jokes and laughs you exchanged at breaks, over the times he learned to call you by your name by the frequent study afternoons mark brought you in, and even the so precious conversations between you two as you'd offer to help him in the kitchen or when tidying up the rooms, such times like these you'd remember so fondly, as well sometimes when he'd sing out a snippet of his favorite songs after you and your best friend asked so much — with all these little things you ended up considering such idea to seem like fading along to the anguish it brought, not that it'd somehow come back heavier than never, the way a sharp material would feel right against them.

however in the end of all of this, it did. while you now insisted on swallowing the fresh, single tears already beginning to roll down your humid cheeks, molds of insecurity and fear hurting the pit of your stomach like never before, you still try anyway to make your feet to rush away, yet no answer came from your own body besides to remain there, waiting for any impulse of courage which could might raise up from your heart. but when you'd finally swallow it all and decide for leaving, the door moves behind your back catching you by surprise, electricity running to your ears as the person behind it tries to open it once more.

"y/n...?" just so you hear doyoung's velvety voice hitting your hair through the small gap he had managed to open without your body's block, a tone of confusion and clear concern in it. "what happened? mark said you two weren't going to study today."

he speaks again, but all earned is another silence. on weak knees and with no other choice you just turn to the taller one behind you, planning to apologize for the inconvenience and then retreat as soon as possible if it wasn't for the way your puffy, teary eyes met his through the small space, making his own surprised enough to see you like this.

"what happened?" almost like an inaudible whisper doyoung repeats, his tone now much sweeter and closer as his thin fingers reaches through the gap to take yours. still not able to make up any action you let out a small sob in response to his touch, just as, unbeknownst to you or to your own control one, two, three other drops once again roll down, making the dark haired in front of you raise his other hand to pull open the door completely, but soon being interrupted by yours, holding it to stay in the same place. gradually you took the folded paper out of your pocket, and instead of anything else you might think of doing, handed it to doyoung, your chest still stinging though as resigned as you were and closed the door for a moment, leaving it to him so he'd read all he had to read up that little white material containing so many dreams and emotions as impossible as any chance you'd ever have in such an uncertain place as by his side.

"what am i doing.."

a few minutes later as your feet were once again struggling to move to no more coming back you feel the door slowly open, one more beat slipping off your pulsations as you see doyoung for the first time sniffle without it being because of an onion, his eyes sparkling beneath his glowing brown bangs like small teary bits of the starry sky with the light frown his eyebrows expressed, all while he stared at you as if he wanted to say something but didn't have enough breath to, holding the paper steady on his fingers.

"that was, the most beautiful thing i've ever received in my life." he said softly out the way he felt his heart utterly touched, as one more little drop scapes your lids, making you wipe it off with the sleeve of your jacket almost reflexively.

"the most beautiful thing i ever received was once meeting you."

another silence breaks out on either sides of the small opening. no matter how hard you'd push yourself against it and your feelings still struggled to wait for what would come, what since the beginning always was the biggest risk of it all each passing second kept to hurt even more, the same fate which would put a point to all the amazing things that you secretly felt for so long, and right it was seeming to consume you there in front of doyoung, without any more turns. but still you just held it all, out of sudden hearing the pull of the door and turn your gaze to the who was a bit little closer, his niveous face resting against the bar of wood.

"i need some time. i need to understand all of this i'm feeling. i've already been hurted a lot, and this, this is the first time anyone has shown me such affection. i still don't know how to correspond you."

you remember it this way each of his words, that quickly got stuck one by one over the material inside your chest. how to ever forget them, if so right after as the days went by yet heartbreak insisted on getting itself a place they kept still vivid in countless wonders amongst your thoughts everytime you'd see yourself locking eyes with doyoung again, when mark would be there like how he showed up in the moment you first heard them, and no longer neither of you would act as always. with the memories of doyoung's so sincere words, of what could be actually hidden behind the reason they'd have, if maybe he was instead as hurt as you but more by what he's been living, if his own angelical tears meant so, all these new ideas being the only ones surrounding your nights nonetheless spent thinking of him, of the constant wish for his healing, before the pain of still no room to your feelings.

how would you hand everything to the gap, or give the love you had for it. he was the one you loved.

[punkpsychologist]

damn

this pms got hands

I'm still in one of my classes rn and my emotions are KICKING MY ASs. Like your girl is so fucking sad. On my other blog I kind of went off over something triggering getting recommended to me and im just kind of disintegrating.

I want to go watch the next batch of part 6 episodes with B but I dont know if he wants to. I made myself a decaf coffee and the warmth is a little bit comforting.

I'm also really missing home. One of my cats in particular, he's basically like my son. Anxious lad. I never resonated with a creature so much, he's so freaked out by everything and he could tell when my pms was getting really bad. He would very insistently come over and sit on my lap for attention if I was crying or something. I don't even want to ask my mom how he's doing cause then I'll just start fucking crying.

I'm noticing a slight pattern. So yesterday I was pretty social. Like it wasn't a super large amount of socialization but it was all positive and felt very intimate. I felt like I did a good job socializing and that I opened the way with multiple people for positive relationships in the near future. And now today I am: Sad Girl. Same shtick happened a couple of weeks ago after I went to G's apartment and walked to mcdonalds with B and his friends. The next day I felt like a depressed bitch.

I think this has probably been my worst mental health day since arriving at university. This has actually been a really good run. Like, I have a lot of building to do and I've been functioning without a particularly strong support system and THIS is the worst I've been. Lonely? Craving attention? Not the worst I've been. It feels awful but I'd call it an improvement to the intensive desire to stay inside and have absolutely nobody see or perceive me ever. I was in my early class this morning and a cute blond guy asked if the seat next to me was taken, I said no and he sat with me during class and it was chill. Chill until my ptsd was aware that i was pmsing and decided to wake up and give me the worst stomach ache that I had in weeks. I think any other day I would have been happy I was sitting next to a cool dude who was being nice to me but because of my stupid fucking brain I was afraid of him.

I wanna see B. I haven't seen him in person in a few days and he seems a little depressed too. He keeps sleeping and skipping class. I wish we were close and comfortable enough that I could invite him to my dorm and we could chill and watch movies and just be sad together.

I've got a little bit until this class is over. IDK what I want to do. B goes to get dinner around this time so maybe I could try and meet up with him. We have never eaten dinner together but we have waited in line together to get dinner. If I wait until like 6pm or so my roommates might want to go get dinner. My preference is B tonight. He keeps sending me pictures of the campus cats at night and I want him to take me around and show me the cats.

Last emotional notes. I think I'm using this blog as a substitute for talking to my mom. I just miss her a lot and I know if I call my emotions are going to get a lot worse.