#don't forget to refill your meds until you're suicidal guys

[jackalthemagnificent]

I haven't taken my Lexapro in at least a month and I find myself filled with the same seething rage and self hatred I was at 15.

Then, I was a pre-transition just-came-out trans man sheltered in the smallest county in Indiana. I was angry about my situation, being the only out queer person and surrounded by lack of education, and I hated myself because of it.

I focused my rage into educating my peers, my teachers, and the school administration about LGBTQ+ issues. I used nearly every assignment I could to teach and my mum and I were able to get admin to compromise and let me use a separate bathroom and changing room instead of the girls.

I focused my self hatred into research. I did so much research on transitioning, on fitness, on mental health, on history. I learned about the different types of surgeries, about workouts I could do at home to help build muscle in my chest, about how to cope with isolation, about how we got to where we were in 2016 and how I could better myself.

Now, I'm a 22 year old 5-years-on-T hasn't-fully-came-out-again-yet transmasc non-binary trying to find my first solo housing without credit. I'm angry about my situation again but now it's different. I'm angry that I still haven't been able to legally change anything gender wise, haven't been able to get too surgery, and I'm angry my parents never taught me how to build credit. I hate myself because of it.

I've been convinced since middle school that I wouldn't make it past 23 at the latest.

I have nothing to focus my rage and self loathing on. I feel like an animal trapped in a corner. I'm anxious, I'm angry, I'm guilty. I've isolated myself this time to the point I've lost the two friends I had and live with. I don't want to lash out at them and I know they don't like me anymore so it's best to just avoid.

I'm picking up my refill when the pharmacy opens. Hopefully, it will help.