#don't break anymore rules and he wont be angry

[always-smileing]

"It s3ems y0u felL out of b0unds, but d0n't fr3t 1'll set y0u bAck, just don't g3t to cl0se to the 3dges or th0s3 stupid l1ght$."

[recovering-witch]

I was wondering if you could help me. I need reasons to recover, seen as I've mentally completely given up. I'm terrified to gain weight and to eat. I don't want to anymore. I don't deserve a good happy life or anything nice in my life if the only things I do is bring people pain and misery. If I'm a painful burden for the people around me, why would I deserve to be happy and deserve to live? I don't want to anymore. Not gain weight, not hurt people, not eat, nothing... I'm sorry

hello there!!!! *”I-cannot-breathe”-type-of-hug* 

Listen. I hope you deep down know this but Im gonna say it in case you’re missing out: you do deserve a good happy life- and you definately do deserve recovery. No ‘buts’, you do. period. Oh, and unless you’re some sort of declared disney villain or something, I highly doubt you were brought to existance to bring pain and misery??? in fact, I bet you bring people so many good stuff you may not even be noticing, bae. And you may feel like you’re a burden but you’re not????? (let me stress this out: YOU ARE NOT) they’re probably worry about you, okay?? from experience, I have been on the other side of trying to help people with mental illnesses and its hard(er than I ever thought it could be)!!! if they sometimes ignore your messages or look tired or disappointed or angry... its probably because they see you suffering and they are mad at themselves because let’s face it: the only person who can save you, is you!! they can be there and support you and buy you cookies and give you hugs but at the end of the day, they cannot love your illness away. and that’s so goddamn frustrating, trust me. if they could like press a bottom that would guarantee you happiness and health and self love they’d push it so hard and fast they’d probably break their finger, I promise. 

now, about the fear of gaining weight and eating. sadly, you cannot skip that step but recovery > your illness. you > your fears. let’s get this straight: you will gain. whether you need to restore or not, you’ll have to learn to eat again, and allow yourself all the food you have been depriving yourself of. you’ll need to let go of whatever arbitrary crazy rules you may have created for yourself and it’s gonna feel like a complete leap of faith, like, shooting in the dark???? ITS GONNA BE HELLA SCARY, I KNOW!!!! but so are roller coasters, and once you’re off of one you get enough perspective to see that it was a hell of a ride and that you were tough after all. you also realize you are not dead, but more alive than ever. that’s what we are striving here with recovery. you’ll see things differently. its a process, of course, and you’ll discover a lot of things (about you, but also about your surroundings), things you couldnt appreciate or notice before because you’ve been sucked into the mental-illness-country. you’re gonna have to work your cute ass off. you are gonna cry a lot and throw many tantrums and if you’re anythign like me, you’d experience this weird regression and act like a 5 year old at the doctor’s office when he/she asks what’s wrong and you immediately look at your mom??? you’ll crave constant reassurance as if it were candy, because you have trained your poor malnourished brain into thinking you need permission to eat (whether you’re hungry or not, you wont dare yourself to ‘just eat’ at first). and it makes sense, since you’ve convinced yourself you “dont need food”, you��“dont deserve to eat” and that you “have to burn all the calories” and/or “punish yourself” for you know, trying to stay alive??????? do basic human activities such as have ice cream with your friends???? omg what a sinner, right???? but the thing is: you can do it. oh, and I can give you a billion reasons why you should recover (and if that’s what you really want, message me on or off anon and I’ll do it gladly) but the motivation to recover must come from within. I know its in you. you have to find your own reasons, and I bet you have plenty. but allow yourself to do a deep search. allow yourself to express your feelings, to feel those feelings, to ask for help, to verbalize your fears and worries and conflicts rather than using your ED to let others know you’re struggling. 

I am rooting for you, and I hope you are, too.