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#don't @ me about this i know not all STEMs are like that
animasolaoriginal · 2 days
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A B A N D O N E D 🥀 1/3
A new-in-town urban explorer stumbles upon a (not so) well hidden secret in an abandoned building, turning his life upside down when he takes more than pictures and leaves more than footprints.
Normal dude meets broken girl turned sex toy
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WARNINGS: Urban exploration. Implied past rape. Implied past caning. Wounds and injuries. Objectification. Submissive character. Strangers to lovers. Angst. Hurt/comfort. Fluff. Eventual smut*. (More tags on AO3.) WORDS: 7.6k
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A/N: This is a spin-off to my original story INFATUATED, set in the same universe. There's no need to have read INFATUATED, just know that there's a man we refer to as Sir who took in (kidnapped) a girl we refer to as Darling to make her his personal little plaything (but then proceeds to develop “feelings” for her), and this is the story of one of the unfortunate girls before her. A "study" on what a normal dude may think about an abandoned sub. Remember: this is fiction! A product of my own sick little mind, a fantasy. Our guy here may have some opinions later that may or may not stem from my own view on things (just some rants about certain kinks, and if those insult you, please forgive me, I don't mean any kink shaming. Everyone is valid around here – except Sir who might not get the best reviews in this story). By the way, the protagonist may have a name here, but it's only mentioned a few times, so you can still imagine any character here if you want to!
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Glass crunches beneath his boots as he makes his way through the abandoned building. It's eerily quiet, just the wind howling through the broken windows and holes in the walls. The occasional rustle when debris or dry leaves move under the breeze. Nature's completely reclaimed this old house that used to be an apartment building with a bunch of tiny shops on the ground floor. Too off the beaten path, the shops became obsolete when a large mall opened only a few blocks away.
He's also in a very bad neighborhood, and nobody seemed to care about this particular building for a long time. Overgrown and broken, glass panes a good target practice for your usual teenage delinquent or bored child, doors ripped off their hinges by age and decay and maybe some random angry dude who needed a place to vent. Furniture long gone, either taken along or stolen later, things that couldn't be moved too easily (like sinks or toilet bowls) smashed into tiny pieces.
Normally he prefers places stuck in time, where tragedy struck and nobody's been back in decades, with faded photos on the walls or on dusty shelves, the smell of slowly rotting armchairs and a hint of mold in the air. Those make the best pictures. Little time capsules, evidence of older times, in the midst of a blooming bustling city. This building, however, looked more promising from the outside.
He raises his camera and takes a shot of a broken window where thick vines of ivy crawl around the frame and up the wall, the light of the setting sun giving the scene a soft glow. He changes the angle a few times, then moves on, up the stairs, looks through open doors into old apartments, mostly empty, walls vandalized with crude, unreadable graffiti, carpets full of dirt and a (not so) healthy layer of mold.
What strikes him as a little unusual is that the hallways look as if used fairly often, leaves and dust bunnies line the sides, but there's a path between the debris, leading further up the building. Not too unusual, these kinds of buildings usually attract a lot of shady people or bored teenagers, some to meet for illegal business deals, other to party hard in a place Mom and Dad cannot find them.
Maybe it's used for all kinds of things as he notices a growing abundance of empty soda cans, broken alcohol bottles and other garbage lying around (the most striking sight was a trail of discarded condoms and empty lube bottles). His destination is the roof, maybe he can at least snap some pictures of the sunset and the city around him from this place, for all he got now are shots of broken windows, nature reclaiming the urban space and your typical down-the-hallway shot. He even found the one-single-chair-in-the-middle-of-an-empty-room motif.
Of course he's not the first urbexer to walk through here, it's been abandoned for a long time, probably old news for the locals, but this is his first time here, in the city too, and he wanted to see as many abandoned things as possible. He heard from others that this house had good bones, meaning stable stairs and floors, no risk of breaking through and landing in the moldy basement with a pipe through your torso. He is looking for adventure, the thrill of being alone in a lost place, inhaling the intoxicating scent of debris and decay, he is not looking to pay a horrendous hospital bill because he's been too careless.
He takes the last section of the winding staircase, stepping onto the upper most floor, the roof access visible at the end of the corridor. There he hesitates. Unlike the floors below him, there's something different here. It's not as dirty, and the most prominent thing: all the doors are intact and closed. It almost looks like an actual floor of a still lived-in apartment building where you would find the same amount of dust and grime on the floors and walls.
Raising his camera, he takes a few shots, cursing when he realizes it's too dark to get it lined up best. The only light source is a badly boarded-up window at the end of the hallway, a tiny skylight above him and the glow creeping up over the staircase from the lower levels. Why is this window boarded up? What's happening up here that nobody wants to have witnesses for? There are other buildings around this one, still functional, mostly, probably for seedy reasons as well, but there's still the chance of people noticing what's going on here.
The closed doors irritate him. Everything else about this building was ripped out and broken and vandalized, nothing left in its former state. He came in through a bent-out-of-shape shutter gate, most of the former shops have so many holes it's fairly easy to get access to the rest of the house. And nobody seems to care about people walking about. There's an old No Trespassing sign near the boarded-up front door, but that's about it.
Though it doesn't surprise him in this kind of neighborhood. He might be new in this city, but he knows a crime haven when he sees one. Everything looks old and run down, shops are only fronts for other businesses, grim looking people stand around, gangs linger in groups in neglected parks or on the curb corners. He also saw some prostitutes walking the streets, looking as worn and shabby as the clothes they were wearing. Most normal people would avoid going deeper into the belly of the beast, but he likes the more dangerous places, and frankly, he fits right in.
Tall and bulky, he could pass as one of those bouncers standing in front of shady clubs, but he looks also young enough to be confused with a fresh gang member or mafia initiate or whatever. At least he thinks so because he's gotten no curious stares as he entered the neighborhood. Though he was glad nobody talked to him, his accent would have given him away for sure.
He feels his heart beating faster when he approaches one of the closed doors, the hairs on his arms rising in anticipation. It's a thrill to find something unusual in a place you've already pushed aside and declared boring. His hand grabs the door handle, twists it... and nothing happens. Locked. A locked door in an abandoned building. How curious. He tries the other ones, the same thing occurs. When he reaches the last door, he almost jumps back when the knob turns and the door opens with a click and then a creepy squeak.
One open room on a floor full of locked doors. His breath quickens, but he forces himself to remain calm. He doesn't even know what he's expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. The room is almost bare (but not as empty as the rooms he's seen before), aged wallpaper peels from the walls, the windows are covered by thick curtains, old and rugged looking, there's a couch in one corner, covered in blankets that have seen better days too. But the most unnerving sight is the bed in the middle of the room.
It's literally in the middle of the room, a sturdy looking metal frame he could walk around if he wanted to. But for now he only stares. There are handcuffs chained to the headboard, ropes tied to the low bed posts. And then there are the stains on the old mattress, lighter and darker ones, some are definitely blood. Old and dried, though one looks a little fresher, on the lower part of the bed. He's mesmerized, disgusted but mesmerized, almost forgets the weight around his neck before a shiver crashes through him.
It's an automated gesture to raise his camera and take pictures of what he sees. Pics or it didn't happen. It's a strange sight, but he isn't sure he wants to share this scene on his official page. He's known for showing off decaying architecture and nature reclaiming its place in the world full of stone and people. To share a potential sex dungeon might not be the way to go. But he still has his side blog. He has to share this, work through the experience, hoping somebody knows something about this.
Though he hasn't even seen everything. Slowly he takes a step into the room. There's a table behind the door, a longer one, fit for a person to lie on, and the leather belts attached to it suggest the same. Fuck. Is this really one of those freaky sex rooms?
He doesn't want to imagine what goes on in here, but he can't completely ignore that he has seen similar settings in various porn clips. Echoes of crying girls crash through his mind, creepily leering men in ski masks standing around the bed, the table, the couch, cocks in hand, others holding paddles, canes, vibrators, ready to torment whoever is unfortunate enough to be strapped to the structures.
He wants to believe there's consent involved, a scene being played out, discussed beforehand, those girls willingly trapped with a bunch of horny men, but sometimes it's hard to imagine that anyone would want to go through that on their own free will. He swallows, only now noticing the stench of the room. Sweat and sex, various bodily fluids all around, with a metallic undertone. Blood.
Shivering he can't help himself, he takes more pictures, walks around the room as if treading on thin ice, careful not to disturb the scene. He's also hyper aware of the noises around him now, the low buzz of the city beyond, voices passing by the building, birds landing on the roof above him, pigeons cooing, crows cawing, seagulls screaming. He tells himself he'd hear if somebody came back to clean up the scene he's witnessing right now. He could flee to the roof, hide it out, maybe find a way down from there.
Goosebumps attack his bare forearms when he rounds the bed and notices a pile of blankets on the floor. But it's the hair poking out of it that makes his heart stop. No. He freezes on the spot, staring down, camera heavy in his hand. He's heard stories of other urban explorers encountering unsettling things, the more harmless one coming into contact with a squatter, either awake or passed out in some corner, and the most disturbing one... stepping onto a crime scene, finding blood, bones... or dead bodies.
Yet instead of panicking, with the urge to run as quickly as he can, he finds himself staring with an obscene fascination. His eyes trail the blanket, noticing how it's wrapped around whatever is curled up inside it, and he bends down a little, crouching beside it, the smell overwhelmingly strong down here. His stomach protests, but his curiosity is too obnoxious to ignore. Shifting his camera into his other hand, he reaches out, carefully, knowing he should probably wear gloves, but he also doesn't care. He has to know.
His fingers grip the edge of the blanket, and he pulls, gently, his eyes widening as the scene unfolds in front of him – together with the body of a girl unfurling from its curled-up position. He will never share his first impression with anyone, because it's primal, an instinct, the thought of a man whose cock has a mind of its own: she's pretty.
Also naked, covered in grime and other substances, pale skin adorned with angry red welts and purple bruises, something pink caked between her thighs. She's on her side, legs scissored open, arms bound behind her back. Her thick dark hair is braided into two pigtails, and one of them seems to be cut off as the hair frays out and lies around her head like a dark halo. Tears and sweat allowed a thick layer of dust and dirt to cake to her face. Eyes closed, long dark lashes clumped, full lips swollen and raw looking, slightly parted.
Before he continues taking in every detail of her, he has the urge to bring his finger to her nose, and the relief when he feels the slightest bit of air movement against his skin lets him exhale loudly as well. She is not dead. And there's the problem. She looks like she should be, like it would be the better fate. The sight scares him as much as it fuels his morbid fascination, which may explain why he's still frozen on the spot, staring at her instead of calling the police or an ambulance or doing anything to help her. He can't take his eyes off her.
Her slender neck is covered in dark bruises as if someone has tried to strangle her, probably thought they succeeded too. Why else would she lie on the floor here? Left behind after whoever assaulted her was done? And assaulted she was. Sexually, physically. The welts on her body look horrible, thin red lines all over her small breasts, her stomach, her hips, her thighs, on her ass as well from what he can tell. She was caned, the poor thing. He hates watching those kinds of porn videos. He can see the appeal of spanking, the hand on ass contact, but hitting someone with a rigid cane doesn't seem very pleasurable, it's only about inflicting pain and having evidence of it days later.
A sadistic move, and sadists were definitely at work here. There are more bruises on her thighs, probably from strong hands holding her down and open while various cocks forced themselves into her holes. He feels his cheeks warming up when he takes a closer look at her pussy. Apart from layers upon layers of what he assumes to be cum and other fluids, there are welts and bruises on there too, on the soft skin of her inner thighs, on her puffy outer lips (that look stretched as if held back and open by clamps or whatever these bastards used), but most are on the strangely swollen clit. Ugh. Genital torture, a genre he really hates. Spanking a woman's clit is just downright sick and barbaric.
The more he looks at her, the worse he feels. Not just for what she had to go through, but knowing he can't really help her. How should he? Call the police and wait for other horny men to find her? He never trusted the cops, and in a neighborhood like this he is certain there won't be a good guy among them. Calling an ambulance may be an option, if he does it anonymously and flees the scene quickly, but that leaves him wondering if anyone ever found her. And again, in an area like this, the people who did this may still be around watching the place, stopping help before it can get anywhere, maybe even finishing the job, killing her.
And if he stays and wait, he will be in danger of those people seeing him, and as he now knows too much, even took pictures of the evidence, what's stopping them from killing him too? And even if they don't find him, he fears the damn hospital bill might be his end. Yes, strange priorities, but his brain is buzzing and he feels sick and nauseous the longer he stays in this horrible room, staring down at the poor girl.
She looks younger than him, maybe a few years, maybe a lot, the pigtails give the illusion she might still be a teenager, but her body looks too developed for that. A thin face with high cheekbones, no baby fat, soft albeit small breasts, a narrow waist, plump hips, thighs just rounded enough to create that amazing thigh gap he likes so much. The initial thought is still there, and his cock agrees, she is beautiful, despite the state she is in.
And maybe that's why he forms an idea in his head: why not take her with him? Away from this place, into safety, then assess what help he can get her. She can't stay here, that's for sure. A better man would face the danger of being discovered by her abusers, to make sure she'll get the care she needs, no matter how expensive and uncomfortable it may get. A better man wouldn't crouch beside her limp body and stare and drool.
But he's not. He's a runaway, dropped out of college to party, then got too old and paranoid to return. Too distracted by the world around him. Traveling on a budget, with just enough money to feed himself once a day, couch surfing, loitering, pissing his life away one day at a time. It's only been during the last years that he's gotten a bit more stable, making a name for himself as a photographer, selling prints and doing commissions, and by coming into this city he's hoped to make it even bigger.
Renting an old loft he hopes to transform into a photo studio one day, he's trying to settle down. He still has barely any money, lives off those stupid strangers willing to pay for his pictures even though they're not even that special. He always hopes for the occasional exceptional find, something he could sell to newspapers, but even those prefer to steal their pictures off other people's Instagram instead of paying for a more professional shot. Tough times.
As he crouches next to the unconscious girl, the hand holding his camera twitches. It's an instinct to raise it, bring it in front of his eyes, look through the finder and press his thumb down to take a picture of her. He feels sick for it, but also... not. She's part of this little sex dungeon, the main attraction, actually, and it's an inborn need to burn her image into a bunch of pixels. Pics or it didn't happen. He considers sharing her story with whatever newspaper may want it, but then his name would be attached to the evidence, he could be linked to this scene, and what's stopping any corrupt cop to call him guilty for this? Or the bad guys to come and erase any kind of evidence? Him and her included?
She can't stay here. He can't keep staring at her. Something has to happen.
Before he puts his camera into his backpack, he can't help but take a few more pictures of her, of her wounds and injuries, of the evidence caked to her skin, the blood trailing down her inner thigh. Maybe justice will come one day, but he'll need pictures of the crime scene to make it happen. He also snaps a few shots of her face, peaceful in slumber, of her soft curves, those tiny feet with the ankles covered in rope burn. Those he does in several angles, maybe he has a future in selling feet pics. And it's not his fault the market exists.
The world is a sick place, and he's just trudging along.
Eventually he stores his camera in his backpack, then moves the blanket back around the girl. His hand finds her cheek, and it's warm to the touch, she's certainly still alive, and probably in pain, so he doesn't want to disturb the few quiet moments this cruel world has given her. He wraps her up and scoops her into his arms, a barely there weight, poor thing looks and feels malnourished on top of being treated so horribly.
Lifting her up, he realizes the light has turned from the soft sunset glow into the harsher, darker tones of the street lamps coming to life. Time to go. Maybe her abusers will return soon. He carries her out of the room, she's warm and soft in his arms, head resting against his shoulder, hair and one half of her face peeking out of the blanket cocoon. She's tiny, in comparison and in general, and knowing her fate he feels even worse for her.
His heart clenches by the time he's descended all those stairs, and when he reaches his point of entry, he hesitates. It's one thing to slip into a building during the day, nobody cares about a man with a camera creeping around old houses much, at least not in this kind of area, but knowing this place is frequently used for terrible little sex adventures, he feels uneasy now. The night is fast approaching, and he knows these kinds of things probably happen when the shadows fall.
Looking around, he decides to find another exit, preferably one leading around the back, and luck is on his side when he finds a broken window looking into a backyard filled with black trash bags. With the girl still in his arms, he climbs through, but slips on something at the last second. Curling his back, trying not to harm her further, he feels his backpack scraping over the rough wall, hoping it didn't damage his camera. It's one of his few prized possessions, but thinking about it, maybe he should reconsider his priorities.
He's carrying a life in his arms, a life he intends to save, so a broken camera, a replaceable thing, really isn't that big of a deal. He can always salvage the SD card inside anyway. No harm done. Rolling his shoulders, he shifts her against his chest, then continues through the dark alley. He's parked the hunk of metal he calls his car a few blocks away, at the edge of the neighborhood, hoping he'll still have all tires when he returns.
And indeed they are all there, as full and dirty as he's left them. The old truck was the last thing he could afford after renting out the loft, so even if he's bound to this city, relying on random strangers to finance his life, he has a means to get away if he has to. For now, he's pulling the passenger door open and carefully puts down the bundle of limbs and hair and blankets, and when he does, she suddenly stirs.
He freezes, staring at her as her eyelids flutter open. A soft groan escapes her, but when her wide eyes, beautiful dark irises, glazed and a little dull, but beautiful nonetheless, meet his, she stiffens too, lips parted, and he expects a scream, a distress call, anything, but she doesn't issue a single peep, just looks at him, almost calm, probably just glad she's still alive or thinking she died and woke up in a weird realm between the worlds where it's normal to wake up in unfamiliar places, facing unfamiliar people.
He still feels the need to calm her. “Hey, it's alright. No need to be afraid, I'm not here to harm you. I want to help you, okay? Do you understand?”
She blinks, her lips trembling, but then she utters a barely audible “Yes, sir”, and he feels his heart jumping a little. To his own shame, his cock does the same. He clears his throat, nods to her, then closes the door with a thud and rounds the car, putting his backpack into the covered truck bed. Her eyes are following him when he slips behind the wheel, despite her slouched position on the seat. She's eerily quiet, not at all concerned about a strange man packing her into his car.
He watches her as he pulls the seat belt over her small frame, then buckles himself in. “You'll be alright,” he says softly, giving her the hint of a smile, and she continues staring at him. She must be in shock, no other way to explain this behavior, probably fighting the pain coursing through her, the soreness and burning, the stickiness between her thighs, the memory of the whole ordeal. He can't blame her. It must have been absolute hell.
He starts the car, glad it does so on the first try, and maneuvers it back into the nightly city traffic until they reach the old warehouse at the edge of it. It's the cheapest he could find, between two concerning neighborhoods, but those are still better than the one he found her in. At least he has running water and electricity, and a bed. Hmm. One bed. He'll give it to her for now, trying to squeeze his big body onto the small couch. It'll work.
She's still only staring at him when he unbuckles her and picks her up, though her breaths are a bit more labored. Maybe the shock is fading, letting through the pain more and more. He hums soothingly to her, tells her it'll be alright, knowing the more he'll repeat that, the more she'll believe it. It's his life motto too, fake it till you make it. She's that pliant body in his arms as he carries her to the old elevator, hoping it'll last another day.
When he reaches his apartment door, he shifts her in his hold, and she winces, a horribly pathetic little sound he hopes never to hear again. “Sorry,” he mutters as he fumbles for his key and unlocks the door. “You'll feel better soon, I promise.”
Her warm breath hits his neck as she presses her face closer against him, a strangely submissive gesture, a naive hope to trust a stranger. He takes her straight to the bathroom, where he sets her on the closed toilet lid and slowly unravels the blanket from around her. She's sitting perfectly still, the only movement coming from her almost curious eyes as she watches his every move. She winces when he brushes against the welts on her skin, chest rising and falling a little faster, but that's about all the motion he gets from her.
When the blanket falls away, she's that naked thing covered in sweat and cum and blood, and it occurs to him what a strange situation this is. For him to just take her away, without informing anyone, authority or not, and for her to just accept it like this. She's awake, maybe a little dazed, but conscious enough that a normal girl would stir more, talk more, fuss and strain against his touches, maybe even try to flee or do anything to ensure her own safety.
But she is just sitting there, arms folded behind her back, watching him. She doesn't seem real. Like a robot. A brainless toy... And it occurs to him, that might just be what she is, what she has been. A body to use, handed around between vulgar men, an object to utilize in their sick fantasies turned reality. Of course he's no stranger to the news, especially the darker ones, those about trafficking and forced sex work, even if those stories barely make it past the usual political drama. It's another one of those morbid fascinations he can't seem to break.
He might just be as sick as those actually partaking in these illegal little sex gatherings, he's watched those videos, even though he's handled them like any other porn he's come across. As fake, a scene played out, a fantasy made as real as movie magic can make it, but to find this girl in this room, discarded and abandoned like a broken doll, left behind after everyone else was done and satisfied in their twisted, primal needs, shows him that those were not scenes, not fake, but brutal reality. It makes him angry.
“Can you stand?” he asks her quietly, tilting his head as he towers over her, and she nods, looking up at him, before straining her bruised body when she tries to move. His hands find her elbows, and she flinches, but lets him pull her onto her feet. “Oh fuck, your arms, I forgot,” he presses out, and quickly leans back to grab a pair of scissors off the counter behind him, then carefully moves around her to cut through the ropes holding her wrists and forearms together. When he's done, he lets her go, and she sways, arms flailing a little, her hands twitching as if she wants to hold onto him. He guides her into the shower, then steps back. She turns around immediately, eyes wide. “Do you need help?”
She bites her swollen lip. “Please,” she croaks, and the hoarse sound of her voice breaks his heart (but also thickens his cock). He nods, swallows hard, trying to fight the strange warmth pooling in his stomach, before he toes off his boots, strips off his hoodie and jeans, then steps behind her in just his boxers. He wants to show her he's not a predator, but he also doesn't want to get his only good pair of jeans wet and dirty. One day he'll be able to afford another one.
He grabs the shower head and turns the knobs on the wall, waiting for the water to heat up. She's shivering, her frail little body so tiny in front of him, one hand rubbing up and down the other arm, a mindless gesture, trying to ease her nerves probably. Her eyes, however, stay on him and his every move, very attentive, almost eager. It should feel a little bit more bizarre to share a shower with a girl he's just met (or rather found), but it's as if he's running on instincts, feeling the need to help her, make her feel better, ease her pain.
The steam fills his nostrils, and when he puts the water jet to her shoulder, she winces, flinches away, lets out a little whine, but ultimately returns under the spray and lets him clean the grime and sweat and other substances off her skin. He's careful not to put too much pressure on her bruises and the welts, and is glad they didn't break her skin, even though they look horrible, shining in a bright red as if the blood is pulsing just beneath her pale skin.
When he lowers the shower head to point it between her thighs, he hesitates, looks at her, but all she does is take a little side step and spreads her legs a bit more to allow him to do so. So fucking obedient, it's almost scary. The grime on her inner thighs is so persistent that he has to move his hand over her skin before he realizes he should probably use a wash cloth. Stepping back, he leans around the open door and grabs a small towel, wets it and then proceeds to rub the dirt (and cum and other things he doesn't want to think more about) off her thighs. She whines quietly when he moves the soft cloth over her folds, and he holds his breath, trying to be as gentle as he can be.
When he touches her clit though, she shudders and gasps, legs trembling, and her hand is on his arm then, holding on tightly, with a strength he wouldn't have expected from her. He watches how her eyes roll back, how her lips part and a little moan escapes her, and he just freezes, wash cloth pressed to her sensitive nub, unintentionally drawing a strange little orgasm out of her. Was she trained to be this sensitive, so responsive? To come on touch alone? He didn't even rub that hard.
He takes the cloth away slowly, and she calms down a little, breathing just a bit harder, but when her eyes meet his, she furrows her brows, bites her lip, mumbles a croaked “Sorry” as she lowers her head. He frowns at that, tilting his head.
“Nothing to apologize for,” he says quietly. “I... uh, didn't mean to do that either...”
Is she one of those poor girls who was bound to their master's (or whatever the man called himself who had her) will, to only do as he told her, to come on command, and to feel bad if she does so without permission? What a horrible fate... He would never ask her to hold her orgasm, he would want to see that reaction over and over again, allowing her all the pleasure she can get. Not that he'll ever want to do anything to her, but... in theory, of course.
He keeps cleaning her then, lets the warm water soak her bruised skin, and she just stands there, chin tilted up, eyes closed, wet hair cascading down her back, hanging over her shoulders, one side shorter than the other (how cruel to take away something from her, even as benign as part of her braid, but it's definitely crueler to treat her like a soulless body, and he's glad she's not missing any fingers or limbs instead).
Considering, her state could be worse. She's standing on her own, breathing just fine, she's probably very sore and aching, but the pain will fade and she could have a normal life after this, more or less, not counting the psychological trauma that seems to still hold her hostage. Well, it's not ideal, and maybe death would have been a relief after the torment, but she's young, she can work through this, it's possible. And maybe he can help her cope...
Looking at her petite frame, he feels his stomach tensing. It's wrong to feel like this, he knows it, he shouldn't even allow the smallest little thought into that direction, but he is just a man after all, standing with a naked young woman in his shower, and it's blatantly obvious what his cock thinks about this whole situation. He hopes she doesn't notice the tent in his boxers.
But he shouldn't worry, she doesn't seem to notice much, standing still under the spray of the water, and when he turns it off eventually, deeming her clean enough, she inhales deeply and opens her eyes, blinking away stray water drops. She remains immobile, and while he turns to grab a towel, she doesn't move an inch. When he starts drying her off, rougher than he intends, but his hands feel like they are shaking from the tension growing inside him, she winces a couple of times, but then presses her lips together and endures.
He's watching her like a hawk, apologizes for accidentally hurting her, tries to be as gentle as possible, and her eyes are glued to his face, not completely focused yet, still glazed and hazy, pupils blown for some reason, her gaze almost curious. What a strange little creature. He'd expected a victim of whatever type of rape she's experienced to be more... hysterical?
When he finally wraps the towel around her small body and another one around her damp hair, she seems to relax even more. Then she opens her mouth.
“Thank you, sir,” she whispers, looking up at him before bowing her head.
He stares at her, blinking in confusion. “Uh, you're welcome,” he says. “But, uh, you can call me Sam, okay? I'm Sam. No need for... honorifics or whatever, you know?”
There's a frown on her face when she looks back up, her lips moving as if she's repeating his name in her mind.
“What's your name?” he then asks, leaning against the sink as he watches her.
The frown deepens, her eyes moving away from him, flickering here and there as if she tries to find the answer somewhere in his bathroom. “I...” she starts, eyebrows furrowed before she exhales deeply, her shoulders sagging. “It doesn't matter,” she then replies.
“Huh?” he makes, staring at her. “What do you mean it doesn't matter? I'm sure you have a name. Did you forget?” He kicks himself mentally for assuming as much and for his harsh tone, but it's ridiculous.
She shakes her head, not to say no, but to clear her mind maybe? It's a frantic gesture. “It doesn't matter. I don't matter. I am... I am yours to... to use,” she mutters under her breath, hands clenching into fists at her sides.
“What now?” He gapes at her.
And then she is suddenly on her knees in front of him, the towel falling away, her small body folded with her hands lying neatly on her lap, her chin tilted up, looking at him with big eyes. “Please use me,” she says quietly.
He takes a step back, bumping into the cupboard next to the sink, staring down at the girl. Is she serious? He shakes his head, then walks back and grabs her elbows. “Come on, get up, no need to kneel before me, okay? Get up!”
His harsher, also slightly agitated tone makes her wince, but she's on her feet immediately, letting him pull her up, then stands stock-still before him, head lowered, a soft little whine escaping her. “I'm sorry...”
“Stop apologizing!” He lets go of her and runs a hand through his hair, sighing deeply. “I mean, ugh, wow. I'm sorry, too. You must be... well, you've been through so much, I don't mean to scare you or anything, I just...”
“Please,” she mumbles, breathing a little harder. She's shivering without the towel, the one on her head coming undone as well the more she shimmies on the spot. He stares at her, she has her hands clasped in front of her sex and squeezes her thighs together, small breasts squished, nipples erect, a deep blush almost hiding the red welts on her skin. “Please use me,” she then says again.
“No!” he blurts out, and she flinches, another sob escaping her. He groans. “I mean, come on! I will not just use you, I just met you, I found you! In that freaky sex room after you've been...” He stops when he suddenly meets her gaze. Her pupils are fully dilated, her already dark eyes shining entirely black. “You're in no condition to do anything but relax now, okay? Take it easy. Come on, I'll show you the bed.”
He's about to grab her hand when she turns her shoulder, avoiding his touch. He freezes, frowns. “In... no condition? Am I... not good... anymore?” Her voice is that feeble little hum, a desperate song sending shivers down his spine.
“What? No! You are good, you are perfect, you are so beautiful!” he croaks out, unable to stop the words. She tilts her head, blinking. “I mean, yeah, uh, you are, but that's not what I mean. You are... Look, whoever treated you like this, whoever hurt you, just left you there. And I couldn't not take you, you know? I want to help you, do you understand that? I want you to feel good again after –”
“Then use me,” she whispers, breathing harder, hands falling away from the obedient pose as she rubs them up and down her thighs, still squirming on the spot. “Please, it hurts...”
“Of course it hurts, they hit you with a fucking cane! They raped you!” he shouts, a little too loud, his emotions getting the better of him.
She flinches back, gasping with her lips parting, her eyes wide. “No... no, they were... they had to punish me because I... I was bad... I deserved it... and they... they used me like they should use me...”
Her words are mumbled, but he can still hear them, even though he wishes he couldn't. What a sick way of seeing things. What a fucked-up world where a pretty girl like her has these thoughts planted into her head.
Anger makes him clench his hands into fists. “They shouldn't have done that. You are a human being, a young woman, a beautiful girl, not a doll to play with, not a toy to use!”
She stares at him, eyelids fluttering, chest rising and falling faster, small breasts bouncing. Really not the time to notice that, mate!
“But,” she whispers, wincing slightly as she starts chewing on her lips. “But that... that's my purpose... I am... I am yours to use,” she repeats these last five words like something she had to learn without knowing the meaning behind it.
He approaches her slowly, carefully, his big hands find her small shoulders, and the touch makes her look up at him. “You are your own person. You have a name, even if you can't remember it right now, you had a mother and a father, maybe even siblings. You went to school, you had a job, maybe. You had dreams, everyone has dreams, for the future, things you wanted to have, places you wanted to see. You are not just a body for strange men to use. Not like that. Not without consent! You were not made to be punished, to be hurt because some random sicko gets off on it. Your body is so much more than just... holes to fill... and a canvas to soil with bruises and welts and... cum...”
His voice has become calmer, like a mantra, new thoughts to plant into her muddled brain, so he hopes, and she listens with her lips parted, eyes directly looking at him. Sometimes she frowns, sometimes she blinks, and when he finishes she licks her lips.
“But I want this,” she says quietly. “I want to be used...”
He sighs deeply and lowers his head, then shakes it in frustration. “No, somebody told you you should think like that! Nobody in their right mind wants to be raped and mutilated like that!”
A single sob makes him look up, and he lets go of her, straightening up. Her lips are trembling and her eyes watering before tears stream down her face. He lets out a groan.
“I'm sorry,” he grunts. “I didn't mean it like that! You are valid, whatever you want, of course, but... but you gotta agree it's a little strange?” She only cries harder, her small frame shaking. “Okay, look, no kink shaming or whatever, I just... I assumed, the way you were lying in that room, the state you were in, I thought you needed help! You looked horrible! I was about to call the police!”
She freezes at that, staring up at him. “No,” she gasps. “Don't do that! Please! I... I don't want any trouble... I... I'll do anything, but... please... not the police!”
He raises an eyebrow at that. This reaction surprises him. “Why not?” he asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest. She averts her eyes, breathing harder. He isn't very fond of them either, but why wouldn't she? Why would she prefer being gang raped and beaten and strangled over calling for help?
She presses her lips together, doesn't say a thing. For a moment they are both silent, standing in the bathroom, the naked girl and the guy with his tented boxers. Even now his cock doesn't agree with him. But he doesn't care about it anymore. This is a mystery he wants to unravel.
“Tell me,” he says, tone harsher, pointedly. She seems to reply better to commands.
And it seems to work. “He said he'd kill me if I talked to them,” comes her quiet answer, spoken to the tiled floor.
“He? He who?” he asks, his arms falling to his sides.
“Sir,” she replies, her shoulders shaking.
“Sir? Who calls himself Sir? Who is that? The man who did this to you?”
She shakes her head. “No. He... he found me, he took me in, and then... he... he sent me away because I was... a bad girl and he... he... they...” A series of sobs escapes her before her hands fly up to cover her face. Her cries pierce his heart. “Why did he send me away? What did I do?” she wails softly, muffled from behind her hands. “I was a good girl... always a good girl... did everything he said...”
He can't watch it anymore. While his rage for this unknown man grips his insides, he steps forward and pulls her against him, arms wrapped around her shuddering form, but she keeps crying, lets it all out, desperate and heartbreaking. He scoops her up and carries her to the bedroom, her tears hot on his skin, her whines loud in his ears.
Putting her down carefully, he pulls the blanket over her naked body and tucks her in, gently rubbing her side as she curls in on herself, continuing to cry miserably.
“Please stop crying,” he whispers, sitting down on the edge of the bed, hand still on her hip. “I'm sorry he treated you like that. But he let you go, you said so, so why don't you use that as a chance to move on, look ahead, find a new Sir? Or live your life without any man for a while? I'm sure that's nice too...”
She stares at him from under her clumped lashes, momentarily paused in her sobbing, only to cry out again when he suggests moving on. He sighs, letting her wail and whine until hiccups shake her form. She's not calming down, but she gets quieter, and he stands up then, walking down the stairs into the kitchen to get some water and a snack. When he returns, she's lying on her side, staring blankly ahead, eyes reddened, face flushed and wet, but she's stopped crying for the moment.
He sits back down on the edge and holds the water glass to her face. “Come on, drink something. Please.” She doesn't even look at him. He exhales loudly and puts the glass on the bedside table. “Fine. Well, it's there if you want it. I also brought some crackers, maybe you're hungry. I can get more later. Or just sleep, you definitely need that. Rest, get better, and tomorrow we'll figure something out, okay?”
She doesn't give a reply, and he shakes his head and leaves again, settling on the lumpy couch under the stairs, his eyes drifting back up to the loft area every now and then. He falls asleep thinking it was probably a bad idea taking this girl with him. For his sake. What if she is so sick in the head she'll stand over him with a knife in the middle of the night? Great thought to slumber over, really.
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End notes: *And this was the plot part of our story, stay tuned for the sex frenzy to begin in the next chapter!
There will be three chapters in total, I'll upload every Wednesday.
Thank you for joining me on another little original story I needed to get out of my system.
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AO3 / / / MASTERLIST
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beevean · 13 hours
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If I’m being honest, you are all getting way too hung up on fake diseases and attacking a writer as if he personally attacked your family. It’s a strange obsession you have and you guys always come at any small nitpick as if it’s the end of the world. It’s a weird obsession and you have all been doing it for years. Maybe you liked Sunset Heights getting a remix but you also play victim when people don’t like the 2010s games. You can see Sonic is more successful now and doing things much better but you just like to sit in your anger towards the series for years. I’ll add that you’re much more sane in your reactions than RandomtheFox, but this whole side of the fandom here is so pathetic. The endless loop of anything new coming out for Sonic, and your little posse hating on it because it isn’t the meta era or because Ian Flynn has his name on it makes me glad you guys are a small minority in the fandom.
Do you want to know why we're discussing this?
If you go back and read our discussions, see how much we brought up with this little detail!
I looked up the effects of low gravity on the human body: I learned something new about science. I tried to put into words why this detail is harder to accept than Sonic breathing in space: this is about stories and world building. I immediately found a replacement idea. We discussed about SA2, its gameplay mechanics, its cutscenes. Someone even brought up the idea of drawing parallels with AIDS and how it would affect Maria. Negativity can stem from a place of reasoning, "how would I do that?", and it makes me use my brain in a fun way. I'm aware it's a inconsequential detail, but I'm having fun!
As for the rest of the message, yeah, we are a minority. Which makes me wonder why you care so much about a group of, what, four people?
Why don't I get any engagement when I'm positive, but suddenly people are up my ass when I talk about something negative? I didn't even tag most of my posts. Bro half of the Sonic fandom blocked me already because I'm a dirty sinning IDW non-enjoyer. I am not bothering anyone.
By the way, my negativity about IDW once even resulted in me writing a fic about it. Again, creativity and genuine discussions about writing a story and its downfalls. It nourishes the brain.
I don't like this new direction for Sonic. There, happy? I don't feel catered to, as a 2000s fan, by all this "REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE COOL????" stuff, not to mention I'm just not a Shadow fan so seeing him with wings and shit does nothing for me. I am annoyed because this used to be a franchise dear to me, but the current environment, both games and fandom, alienates me. I am also aware that, precisely because I'm in the minority, I'll just have to wait until ST changes trend again.
If my writer side activates when I talk about a writing decision I don't like and I'm having fun dissecting it, let me, alright? You can find me cringe, if you want to, but I'm not doing anything different than other fans, just directed towards a less acceptable target and in the privacy of my blocked blog.
Also: to be perfectly honest, if it only takes me one day of mild bitching to get anons yelling at me that I'm a joyless bastard doomed to be sad because I refuse to be happy, it kind of makes me want to be saltier out of spite. I'm already a bad person, might as well, right?
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occasionallyprosie · 17 hours
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Hi Proxi. I like your Shekiak legend head cannon, but I don't know a lot about it. Would you being willing to tell me about it? It's okay if you are too busy right now.
hsefshfjksahfd
OMG
First of all, thank you for the ask!!!
Second of all, you've opened a can of worms, allow me to info dump? :D
My Sheikah Legend head canon stems from an offhanded thought of him having red eyes! Specifically, in terms of my Triforce Hero head canon of the Triforce Heroes being Legend, Wind, and Twilight, and their color symbolizing which part of the triforce they represent. I can go into detailing that another time, but basically it results with Wind=Courage, Twilight=Wisdom, and Legend=Power, and their eye colors being the indicator.
The idea of Legend having red eyes ended up resulting in him being at least part sheikah, and now the head canon has become a full sheikah.
So Sheikah Legend is born and raised in Kakariko, Impa is his aunt, and one or both his parents died when he was little. Very Disney Princess I know. But Impa teaches him how to use Sheikah magic which is just Shadow Magic, and he's super good at it. His parents were scholars and as a result he's a huge nerd, absorbs information like a sponge, which makes for an even better magic user.
Before his first adventure, he was set to succeed Impa as the Sheikah protector of the Royal Family. So he's at the castle frequently, only he doesn't get to meet the royal family until later, he's supposed to be shadowing Impa and practicing his disappearing magic, but he gets distracted and helps out the staff every time they visit.
But then he hears a voice one night, he hears Zelda(Fable) and goes to the castle. He finds a knight he's helped out before dying in the sewer. He sneaks through the castle, breaks Fable out, and does the whole ALTTP journey. He learns how to fight with weapons and without magic from Fi, as a way to conceal his identity.
After his first adventure, he's basically banished from Kakariko as himself. He's the hero now, and Sheikah aren't supposed to be the hero (they're Hylian). So Impa takes him to some friends of hers, who take the role of grandparents to him. He dyes his hair blond and gets contacts to turn his eyes blue, blends in as a hylian while learning the culture of the people who called him a monster and a traitor. As a Sheikah, Legend is still wanted by the law, but as a "Hylian" he slips past their notice. He goes the rest of his adventures pretending to be something he isn't, exiled from his hometown but still close with Impa and still intending to maintain his duty as protector of the Royal Family.
Overall, he's far less of a 'normal kid turned hero' child soldier type and more of a 'trained to fight since birth' child soldier type, and he has extreme abandonment issues. He has no problem using his Shadow Magic, but admitting he's Sheikah? Nope. Because he got basically banished from Kakariko, and Hyrule hates him, he is completely terrified of revealing his heritage. He also has extremely high expectations of himself as a result of his extensive training and responsibility. He's always acting like something he isn't at his core, and it's been ongoing enough that before LU, while still under pressure of his era, he forgot isn't his real self. In Labrynna and Holodrum, he loses that mask a bit because he's only a kid and can't keep it up, and because he's escaped the pressure of Hyrule. But in LU, he eventually becomes comfortable enough with the Chain that his real self starts to come out and it terrifies him because he can't risk losing everything all because of his heritage again.
Kind of akin to Warriors' with the identity crisis, Wild with the upbringing, and Hyrule with the secret heritage.
Wind and Twilight already know tho, he let it slip during Triforce Heroes. They keep it secret, and it didn't help Twilight figure out that Legend is the same Link as the one from Hytopia now that he's blond and has blue eyes though. Wind somehow still figured it out, nobody knows how, he's just like that.
Overall his character/personality isn't different, just different backstories and different fears.
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rrat-king · 3 days
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I don't know if you still take headcanon asks but if you do, please please talk about Bricker Applebees I just read your fic of him and Aelwyn (ate I fear) and he's so important to me like angry middle child is so important.
i am always taking headcanon asks especially from you cuz your's are so so wonderful!!
bricker is truly middle kid to his core. the thing is that like, he really didn't used to be angry. when he was younger his defining role in his family was that he was the quieter kid, the smart kid, at least to the adults in his life, though his siblings know that he's always been a little shit and smart ass.
bucky and kristen were pretty much raised right alongside each other, but bricker is very much the little brother, which will truly always annoy him to his core though he will never let his siblings know that. i think he's always been a little jealous of kristen and bricker's relationship which only gets that much worse when kristen moves away and bucky is the only one she can actually talk to.
a lot of his anger stems from the fact that literally everything in his life was upset by his sister leaving, and even if he gets why she left that doesn't mean that his life wasn't totally fucked up by it. his family went from being held in high regard in their community to being pitied and shunned. kids he grew up with in church won't talk to him anymore and even at home things are so much worse.
he went from being the quiet middle kid that could slip into the background and do his own thing to being watched constantly by his parents. all of a sudden, they were paying attention to the fact that he says stuff under his breath and rolls his eyes and makes shitty jokes and they Do Not like it.
he is angry because his life used to be good. it used to be easy when he could exist in his sister's shadow, but that shadow is gone now. he has questions he's not allowed to ask and a sister that he isn't allowed to see even though bucky gets to and his parents eyes on him constantly and. he's just angry.
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mewtwo24 · 9 months
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I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.
Turns out that was a perilous mistake.
Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me
What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:
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LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"
The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--
How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls
And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:
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Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.
Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)
Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:
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Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me
Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:
I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.
And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...
I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.
How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.
Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.
#svsss#bingqiu#moshang#i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos'#and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change#also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content#the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing#mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES)#sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other#how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer#how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal#how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him#SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S#it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like#mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms#okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;#the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem#really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing#the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan#that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace#over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it#the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form#how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment#how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are#how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them#how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them#ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry#as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance#that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression
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twilightarcade · 3 months
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if I was a character I would've gotten non binary headcannoned so hard
#wordstag#back in da day. Was wondering what my problem was. Lo and behold I was trans the whole time#Thank cod for the queer community otherwise I genuinely have no clue what I would've done with my self.#Bro was so preoccupied with becoming nothing because they weren't what they wanted to be#that they didn't realize they could literally be what they wanted to be. For free. And no one could stop them.#still recovering from that bit to be honest. Crazy how childhood effects you or whatever.#it wasn't even like. Oh I wish I was the opposite gender sorta stuff. It was just full stop#Hey there's something wrong with me because I feel limited connection to my agab. I should die about it.#anyways online spaces were my jam. Was often perceived as male and I LOVED the change in pace#like gender never even really came up 99% of the time! What a beautiful world to live in...#I think my problem was that I saw male as like... the more neutral option?#women wear dresses and makeup and do their hair and men just. Don't#I THINK THE PROBLEM THAT ROOTED THAT PROBLEM WAS GROWING UP AROUND MY GRANDPARENTS#Who were always excited for me to be a beautiful young lady. Genuinely the best intentions but I wasn't vibing with it and that simply#wasn't an option? Like once I wanted to wear a suit to homecoming and it was like. A full stop no. I didn't even like dances#all that much. But skipping out on dances meant I was Wasting Highschool or whatever. Sad world.#anyways what. Long story short a lot of my childhood was spent longing to be perceived as something other than#my agab without saying that out loud because I thought saying something like that would cause the sky to fall.#YOU KNOW WHAT DIDNT HELP ALL THOSE GIRLS PROGRAMS#Like. I support women and all but being a part of them always felt vile. I didn't want to be a girl I just wanted to Be yknow.#have since gotten over that though and exploited my girl ness. Hashtag woman in stem hashtag aren't I cute? A woman pursuing#a scientific career? Adorable stuff? You should give me all of your money. Still feels vile but a different#perhaps more evil kind of vile. The exploiting the system of gender sorta vile#anyways. Cutting myself off here. Good night folks
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dennisboobs · 10 months
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plain and simple i am not going to be able to remain in this fandom long-term if i have to keep putting disclaimers on every single one of my posts that say i don't condone dennis' bad, bad actions and that i am in fact aware he's got a history of sexual assault and dubious/nonconsent. the entire gang has done heinous shit. why is dennis the only one who needs to be treated like this? if some rando wants to post about how dennis is pookie pie that doesn't automatically mean they're blind to his crimes. every single member of the gang is a piece of shit. that's kind of the point.
draw dennis with cat ears who give a shit
#ada speaks#i'm not vagueing this is a constant thing ive experienced#i still have angry anons sitting in my askbox mad that i didn't explicitly condemn him last time i got into this#i'm really not a fan of the tension in the fandom the last few days#and like. i know its a hot button issue rn. everyone's going back and forth abt mac and dennis' SA#but this fandom genuinely does have an issue SPECIFICALLY MENTIONING things mac does to dennis and uwu-ifying them#when they are explicitly classified as SA in canon (which is an actual present issue i think needs to be addressed)#rather than like. just the mere MENTION of dennis outside of his SA is somehow condoning his actions#im sorry but i really do not feel the need to constantly talk about him assaulting women#everyone knows. everyone sees it. just bc i am dissecting other parts of his character does not mean i forgot he's a horrible person#it just means im trying to understand where he's coming from (which obviously does not change the facts.)#viewing dennis as a person with unresolved trauma stemming from elsewhere doesn't negate the damage he is doing to other people#he's not a real person where humanizing him does tangible damage#so i am going to continue to look into shit. when i talk about the CSA he went through it's not a justification.#but it does explain his actions in a character motivation type way which is what i am interested in#seeing what makes him tick#i think most people who follow me understand this by now. but i also don't think shit we see him do constantly in canon needs bringing up.#it's the subtle stuff that ties everything together and i want to put it all together to solve a puzzle
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queer-reader-07 · 9 months
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the worst thing about me being a Gen Z with a Gen X father is that i routinely use Gen Z slang & internet lingo around him to the point that he's able to accurately parse what it all means. AND THEN HE GOES AND USES IT AT WORK TO IMPRESS HIS TWENTY SOMETHING COWORKERS
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deoidesign · 3 months
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wdym by "see" them? Do u have that thing where u cant see pictures in ur head?? 👀
oh, yeah, I mean I can see vague shapes but there's no color and it's like blurry and tunnel visioned at best
I can "taste" in my head pretty well and hear in my head even better though!
I think it makes me more satisfied with my art, because anything I draw will always be the only way I can see it... I've never struggled with the classic artist pain of it "looking so much better in my head" I'm always like oh hell yeah it looks so cool now that I can see it!!!
I also think it's why I have so much desire to draw. I have a lot of ideas in my head, and I want to make them real! I want to see them too!!!
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coquelicoq · 4 months
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incredibly moved whenever someone tells me that i'm an easy person to be around when they're going through some shit. there's nothing more sacred to me than sitting with someone through death and grief and loss, things that i can't fix or do anything about except be there and let them feel their feelings without having to pretend to be chipper or hopeful or cheeruppable. i can't pretend to feel what i don't feel, which makes me weird and awkward in so many interpersonal situations, but i think it's also what makes people feel comfortable sharing this stuff with me, because they know that i won't judge them and they don't have to perform for me. i feel so lucky when i can provide that for somebody. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
#i wish my friends didn't have to go through hard shitty stuff. but when they do - because we all do sometimes - i am so thankful that#they feel they can share it with me#it's amazing how much a difference it makes to just be there and be genuine and not burden them with expectations#of how they should be reacting to something. like i guess that's pretty rare#and i sort of stumbled into it by being incapable of faking emotion. so i couldn't be fake chipper even if i wanted to#idk i feel like my first reaction when someone says this is like. i didn't even do anything?#but sometimes that's what you need! i think people get so in their head about doing and saying the exact right thing#and somehow 'fixing' someone's pain#when what actually matters is just being there. even if you don't know what to say. even if there's nothing you can do#just being there and letting them be sad. so they don't have to also be alone while they're sad#i can't make my friends less sad & that's almost never my goal. they're sad bc sad shit is happening. they need to be allowed to feel it#which i think probably also stems from my own history of depression and suicidality and the ways that people have reacted to that#i'm sure trying to help me but in reality actually just making me feel like i couldn't talk to anyone about it#because everyone just needed me to be okay#but i wasn't okay. and being expected to pretend like i was so other people wouldn't have to worry was making it harder#and more isolating. so i guess i just never want anyone to feel like if they're in pain they have to be alone#grief#relationships#my posts
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the-busy-ghost · 5 months
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"Oh it would have been more satisfying if the humans had invented a technology which defeated the Martians rather than have them killed off by accident just when humanity's impotence in the face of disaster seems to be confirmed". I
To me that's just a fancy way of saying "Yeah but humans could totally handle the Martians and the writer has a duty to reassure the audience of that!"
Sir we cannot even handle climate change and I'm sorry to tell you that it's not entirely due to a lack of technological expertise
#In all fairness maybe we can handle climate change we don't know yet but it's going to take a lot more than a fancy new invention#As for war and genocide and all the other human ills that we can't seem to solve how do you think the atomic bomb worked out#And when I say technology or science I don't just mean in the normal STEM sense#As a history student you end up asking a lot whether your subject is actually beneficial to society or capable of solving anything#Or the political sciences- was the League f Nations or even today's UN a success?#Maybe if we just keep learning and studying we can solve it! Well maybe. But what will humanity look like when we're done?#Anyway I'm getting a bit far from the point of the War of the Worlds but maybe I'm just not enough of a science fiction nut for this convo#Maybe the image of societal collapse impressed itself on me more strongly than any delight over long-winded explanations of alien machines#Maybe it would be different if I'd read the book hoping for a good story about aliens#rather than to read one man's uncomfortable rather pessimistic views on what an alien invasion might tell us about human ity#I am simply asking certain fans to sometimes Dig a Little Deeper#Alright rant really over this time#...maybe#It's just that there are so many potential issues with that book but honestly I can't accept that the ending is one of them#Even the hint at the end that since the Martians proved it possible maybe some day humans might colonise other planets I just !!!!!
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merkerlerspeaks · 9 months
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on a scale of 1-10 how silly would it be to ask folks to pray that I find a piece of jewelery I lost. It's not particularly valuable monetarily but its very precious to me and Im afraid I lost it outside of the house. I cant find it anywhere it should be. It could be in the pocket of the either the pajama pants or outside pants I wore the last day I saw it (the 19th) or it could be buried under something in my old bedroom, or it could be at my friend's moms house or somewhere between here and there. Trying not to stress over it but its just become precious too me.
#Its just one of those shark bracelets from one of those scam ocean charity sites#But I have used it as a grounding tool to help me focus when I need to get my head on straight so its been through a lot with me#a replacement just wouldn't be the same either plus I don't want to give more money to scam charities than they already get#and writing this out is helping me calm down about it#as Im writing I realize that I tend to freak out a lot when I realize that something precious is missing and can't chill out until I find i#and thinking about it. I know exactly where that stems from#not something I ever considered before but a lot of things precious to me got burned when I was little#and at one point I repressed the memory and would search for things that got burned up for hours because I had no idea where they went#but yeah anyway Im gonna try to chill. It'll turn up Lord willing#Im just scared I lost it in my friends old house or somewhere between here and there and I'll never see it again#I do not like it when things like that disappear I do not like it at all#I just worry about all the possible places it could be lost forever in or where it could have gotten ruined#I also just have ADHD forgetfulness so I get paranoid I left it like in a walmart bathroom or something#I know I didn't but I have almost lost things that way before#Like even if it is just gone and lost forever I just want to know where it is#merkerler speaks#prayer request#bc I am spazzy about these things#need to be careful about it bc it mirror's some of my dad's OCD tendencies
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kingsmoot · 9 months
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what are your all's thoughts on whether/how theon was castrated because i'm undecided
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snazum · 30 days
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me trying to stroll thru the ted nivison tag on tumblr for some sick art X READER, IMAGINE, OTHER THINGS I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF EVEN THO IT'S QUITE LITERATLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME XDD
#No shade btw I get it#look. I was on mcyt wattpad as a small small SMALL child and I mean FUCKING TINY#and I get it!#Where are the fanartist tho I want art grrrrr#do I have to do everything myself#anyways guys can u tell that maybe i've found myself in a new yt fixation.... erm#like 4 chuckle sandwich podcasts and a barbie movie review and i'm in the trenches#seriously though i do think that most of it is stemming from my video creation fixation#i blame school coming up#SCHLATTS MONKEY VIDEOW???? Beautiful editing i want to edit like that#don't know the editor off the top of my head sorry#i'm going crazy over video creation honestly and they're my vessels (This is very hyperbole)#snazum talks#I have an idea cooking btw.... maybe I'll share it here when i'm done but otherwise i'm gonna be tight lipped about it :)#if ur a mootie/friend tho feel free to ask me in dms :D I can't help but want to ramble bout it#I may be a little shy though since it's not embarrasing per say but i also don't like talking bout it that much#It's nothing serious it's actually the most not serious thing ever but i feel like a bragging bitch when i talk about it so i don't#but also i want to talk about it. cause the subject matter isn't even what i'm proud about it's the idea of how to present it that is#this is so vague i'm so sorry i started fucking rambling in these tags jesus christ#why am i like this ANYWAYS YEAH BYE#EDIT: okay but tbf back to the original point i didn't think this shit would be main tagged?#I find it usually isn't when it comes to rpf stuff but what do i know#all i know is 2012/2014....#the trenches dude.#u don't want to see my old art it contains so many terrible terrible youtubers#I sure know how to pick em#i think the amount i ramble in tags really really represents my adhdness#i got fucking diagnosed and i'm scared to say that i'm just gonna say my quirkyness
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arklay · 2 years
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DIANA x ALBERT WESKER / template.
#mine.#pair: ewskers#oc: diana#click for better quality ♡#posting this before i start changing more things lmao but yes i went nuts and made my own psd from scratch... don't look at me#changed ages to birth years cause of how much time passes in the story!! and also gives cheeky fc for you hehe runs away#the checkboxes make me scream like he almost had a clean sweep it's so funny. and he could've had one more i'm not even joking. cause their#first kiss was technically both of them... like idk how to explain this but they were already standing close then diana moved even closer#and was tracing his jaw and such and they were just lingering while holding eye contact but he was the one who actually closed the distance#so i mean... yeah. she was just about to and he beat her to it!! but diana made the move to get them into that position in the first place#is what i mean. i just couldn't give him more it was already too hilarious lmao#can't tell if i like the lil icons but i can't doodle so peace and love on planet earth but yes i'm happy with how this came out hehe#clueless levels are cause they are clowns <3 i have a lot of thoughts about all that but yes they both take hints in some aspects but i#think they both have trouble telling if they are genuine or not or if they are misreading the situation or whether something is romantic or#not (unless ofc it's over the top and ridiculous. ahem. excella. cough. explodes her with my mind) but yeah hit him with the tism so he's#learnt how to read people very well as he's gotten older but i think when it comes to actual just genuine like wanting to get to know#someone and not just someone wanting to get in his pants he seconds guesses it a lot. and diana's all stems from being rattled by her past#experiences oughguhh and i mean her not actually having experienced proper feelings for someone until him lmao but she's got trust issues#also there were so many tropes i could use (thank you to bestie elliot for helping me finds names of things) but i had to do i got you a#drawer specifically because that moment has such a special place in my heart!! like i need to finish the wip where i talk about that cause#it makes me so silly i'm not even joking#anyway omg i hope the mentions work because doing this on the legacy editor after copying the html for beta one because the image just#didn't want to work in the beta image for some reason rip
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gxlden-angels · 1 year
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I have a lot of religious guilt around being angry, especially being angry at someone, and it's so funny talking about it with my therapist because I'll admit something like "I feel like Im in a constant low level state of resentment" or that Im thinking something slightly harsh about a person and my therapist will be sitting in his seat like
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