#do not!!!!! want to spend an hour or so crying after a social interaction/planned future social interaction didn't go as planned!

[dubiousdoctors]

unfair that the Brain Things have an effect on my body and the Meat Things have an effect on my head. extremely poorly constructed and I want to Get Rid of It but there is not a convenient way to Do That.

[senacal]

A Perfect Disaster

Request: Not a request

Pairing: Hank McCoy x Reader

Prompt:  Imagine Hank McCoy wants to spice up his and (Y/N)'s romance life and tries all sorts of cheesy tactics such as candlelit dinners, bringing fruit and whipped cream into the bedroom, sexy underwear... whether they fail or not in their romancing is another question...

Warnings: Fluff, undertones to sex, cursing, slight angst? speculations of cheating

Author’s Note: I wanted to write at least one thing for each character I write for and I stumbled on this prompt and thought of how awkward Hank would be, so here you go!

Requests are open! 

(Gif not mine)

Lately (Y/N) has noticed that Hank has been acting kind of odd. (Y/N) was trying to figure out why that was, so they’ve been subtly asking around. And by subtly, that meant flat out asking what the fuck was up with Hank McCoy. When (Y/N) asked Charles, the telepath who was sure to know everything, he had refused to look into Hank’s mind. Which (Y/N) found frustrating because now they had to go asking more people what they thought. All their answers matched, “Ask Charles.” Yeah, no shit! But Charles was being pretty mindful of this. The one time (Y/N) asks him to abuse his power, Charles refuses. That left (Y/N) only one option. Ask Hank what was going on.

It wasn’t such a surprise to find Hank below the mansion in the lab he had built, so that’s exactly where (Y/N) had gone to look. But what was strange was to find him spending his time shopping. C’mon, Hank McCoy willingly shopping? He hated most social interactions and crowds. So when (Y/N) went looking for him only to be told he was at the mall of all places was beyond confusing to them. (Y/N) was used to the late nights and sometimes, all-nighters, that Hank pulled. He was the resident genius so he was always on call. (Y/N) could deal with that. But a whole week? A week of ignored phone calls, a week of late nights, a week of canceled plans. What was so important that Hank had left (Y/N) all by themselves for a whole week? (Y/N) knew there were no current missions. Hell, they were apart of the X-Men for crying out loud so they were sure to know if a mission was happening or not.

And now Hank was shopping? What the hell was happening?

(Y/N) was sitting in their shared bedroom, waiting for his arrival. He had been gone approximately three hours now. (Y/N) was watching the clock, counting the minutes. Hank’s new habits were driving them crazy. What if he was cheating on them? That could explain why Hank was never around anymore. It would explain why Charles wouldn’t tell (Y/N) what Hank was thinking. Then again Charles could actually want to give them the privacy everyone needed. Fuck, it all sucked. Especially the not knowing part of all this. (Y/N) always knew what people were doing. They were always one step ahead of everyone else. So the fact that (Y/N) didn’t know what Hank was doing, was driving them crazy.

“Hey babe, I’m back,” Hank walked into their shared room and deposited his bags in their shared closet. “Sorry I took so long, the mall was packed. I can’t believe people go there to hang out,” Hank shuddered.

“Right… Can I ask why you were there?” (Y/N) wondered.

“I was buying a few things,” Hank shut the closet door and sat on the bed right next to (Y/N).  He placed a small kiss on their cheek, “I know I haven’t been around much recently, but I want to make that up to you. Make sure your schedule is free tomorrow because it's gonna be me and you all day,” He promised.

“A day dedicated to us? You’re sure some projects won’t need you?” (Y/N) asked somewhat bitterly. They didn’t mean to sound so petulant, but a week without Hank was kinda grating. They slept in the same room and (Y/N) still hardly saw him.

“Of course not, that’s why I was down there for so long. I wanted to finish ahead of time. Otherwise, we’d still be going through the same routine,” Hank furrowed his brows confused. “Didn’t I tell you I would be especially busy this week?”

“It must have slipped your mind,” (Y/N) shrugged. “It’s fine though,” (Y/N) perked up and sat up straighter, “So you have plans for us for tomorrow?”

Hank grinned and nodded, “I do, but it’s a surprise so you can’t know anything about it, so no cheating okay? Don’t ask Charles or the others about it and don’t try to use your powers to glimpse into the future.”

(Y/N) furrowed their brows, “Okay… can I ask why?”

“No, you may not,” Hank kissed (Y/N) on the nose, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to set some things up for tomorrow, Love you!” Hank stood up and almost ran out the door.

The rest of the night was spent with Raven, the both of you speculating what Hank had planned. Raven was saying that Hank was going to do something that would be simple because he wasn’t one to draw attention to himself. (Y/N) had to agree, that was very much like Hank, but with the way he has been acting lately, they thought this time would be different too. By the end of the night, Hank was actually in bed at a reasonable hour and (Y/N) got to fall asleep in his arms. Even if the next day turned out horrible for whatever reason, (Y/N) at least had that moment in Hank’s arms.

The next morning, (Y/N) woke up alone. It wasn’t too unusual, but they were wondering where Hank had run off to. He had promised a full day for the two of them. (Y/N) sat up in bed and stretched their arms overhead. It was kind of hard to force themselves out of bed most days but for once (Y/N) had gotten the best night’s sleep in over a week. They were just about to get up when the bedroom door burst open. (Y/N) would have been startled if it weren’t for the fact that it was Hank who had come barrelling in with what looked like breakfast. 

“Sorry, I didn’t wake you did I?” He winced.

(Y/N) shook their head with an amused smile, “You need help?”

“No, I’ve got it, you just sit back and relax,” Hank kicked the door closed with his foot and met (Y/N) on the bed, “I made us some pancakes, eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns,” he beamed proudly. Despite Hank’s advantageous feet, he was pretty clumsy, especially in the kitchen.

“You cooked?” (Y/N) asked surprised.

“Well, Raven cooked, but I did learn a few tricks!” He spoke happily. 

(Y/N) too their plate from Hank with a grateful smile, “Well, I’ll have to thank her,” they leaned over and kissed Hank’s cheek, “Thank you, my love.”

Henry blushed despite himself. He had thought he’d be used to affection by now, but in truth, he was still as flustered as the first time (Y/N) had shown him any form of affection. Hank was used to being alone in his lab, or alone with his teammates. He never thought he’d meet someone who would make his whole world bright. 

Breakfast was delicious and (Y/N) vowed to thank Raven once again. They knew Raven could cook, but damn! (Y/N) sat back and pat their stomach, “That was wonderful, thank you, Hank.”

“It was nothing, really. Wait till you see what else I have planned,” He grinned. He had made sure to set a schedule that was sure to be successful. He awoke early that morning to ensure everything was bulletproof, figuratively speaking of course. 

“I can’t wait,” (Y/N) moved their plate aside to get up, “For now, I’d like to shower, care to join me?”

Hank was up in an instant, he could afford to be distracted at least a little bit, right? Everything was sure to turn out successful in the end.

Everything was not successful. Hank couldn’t understand what had happened! One minute he was taking (Y/N) apart inch by inch in the shower, the next, (Y/N) had slipped and hit their head thus killing the mood. This was why he never indulged in shower sex! Well, he also never had the opportunity, but (Y/N) hurt their head! They had a major headache for a couple of hours after that so Hank had to cancel a few plans, like the training in the Danger Room, the horseback riding reservation, and the movie date. 

(Y/N) had apologized repeatedly because they felt as if it were their fault, but Hank was sure to shoot down each apology. Hank should have been more careful, at least that’s what he had said each time (Y/N) apologized. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling better? We can skip the picnic if you’re still hurting,” Hank softly spoke.

“No, we are not canceling any more plans. You put so much thought into today and I already ruined a good portion of it,” (Y/N) put up a finger to silence Hank, “Don’t say that I didn’t because we both know if it weren’t for my headache we’d be exhausted physically by now.”

Hank sighed, “I should have been careful, if we’re blaming someone, then it’s on me,” Hank stood up from their shared bed and straightened his clothes, “If you really want to do this, then I’ll make sure the basket is ready to go.” Even though Henry had checked everything over that morning, he desperately needed to make sure everything was ready to go now. 

“I do want to do this. I’ll meet you downstairs, okay?” (Y/N) stood up and shooed Hank away.

Once Hank had left, (Y/N) opened their top drawer to their dresser and pulled out an Advil bottle, just in case. 

When (Y/N) finally emerged downstairs, Hank was holding a blanket, a basket, and an umbrella. “Ready (Your nickname)?”

“Yeah, I’m ready.” (Y/N) held out their hand to take something, anything from Hank who resembled a packed mule. Hank sighed gratefully and handed the umbrella to them. Once Hank’s hand was free, (Y/N) used the advantage to lace their fingers together. They loved to see Hank’s cheeks flush anytime they did something simple with their affection. 

Together, Hank and (Y/N) walked down the path of the gardens to find a good spot for their picnic. Despite the happenings of the morning, (Y/N) was enjoying their day. Sure they hurt their head, but Hank was there to take care of them. Hank was there to cuddle and he was there to dote over (Y/N). The mere presence of the other mutant was enough to ease (Y/N)’s pain. They were looking forward to the rest of the day, whether it’s ruined by some unfortunate event or not. As long as Hank was with them, nothing else mattered.

To Hank’s surprise and delight, the picnic was a huge success. Not only did their simple meal suffice, but the sparkling cider was also chilled perfectly. The flowers in the garden were in full bloom and even though there were a few bees, the bees managed to keep away from them, though Hank suspected (Y/N) had to do with that. (Y/N) had the ability to interact with animals, big, small, aquatic, land, etc. Alex used to tease them both that (Y/N) managed to snag Hank’s love and affection because (Y/N)’s mutant powers tamed the beast within him. He wasn’t too far off, but it had nothing to do with the powers (Y/N) possessed and everything to do with their personality and who they were.

Now that the picnic was finished, Hank took ahold of (Y/N)’s hand, and together they walked around the grounds of the mansion. It was truly beautiful. Charles managed to create the most beautiful school and they couldn’t have asked for better scenery. 

Once the sun began to set, Hank escorted (Y/N) back to their room for dessert. When Hank suggested dessert, he did a godawful wink that either Charles or Alex had shown him. (Y/N) thought it was adorable and followed him inside nonetheless. 

“You head on up and I’ll meet you there, okay?” Hank kissed (Y/N)’s temple and lightly pushed them in the direction of the stairs.

“Alright, don’t keep me waiting or I’ll get started without you,” (Y/N) teased.

Hank couldn’t help the grin that formed on his lips as he watched (Y/N) walk up the stairs. In spite of it all, their day was the perfect disaster and Hank wouldn’t have changed anything in the end.

[hypmicwritingbutbad]

What if back when TDD was still together each member took turns babysitting Ichiro and Samatoki's siblings? Also tysm for that bb vacation headcanon asdlkasdfnasdlf;kasdf >

Heya! I’m really glad you like the BB vacation headcanons aaaaa they were real refreshing to write!

NOTE: Since this is TDD era, ages here go roughly as such: Ichiro (15), Jiro (13), Saburo (10), Samatoki (21), Samatoki’s sister (10-12), Jakurai (31), Ramuda (20)

Ichiro

Samatoki would likely go to him first if he had to get his sister a babysitter

Mostly because of their senior-junior relationship, and also cause he knows Ichiro has two younger brothers (with the youngest being round his sister’s age too)

When he drops his sister off, he’d glare at Ichiro with the deadliest eyes and warn him of the dire consequences if anything happens to her (rip ichiro)

Ichiro would initially be very cautious and overly-antsy around imoutoki

But he’d definitely warm up to her quickly once he sees how nervous she is around him and his brothers too

Saburo and Jiro would watch enviously from the background as Ichiro’d play dolls with her

They wouldn’t approach her until Ichiro calls them over

But they’d refuse to interact with her, so Ichiro would just continue to play with her as the two of them huddled together

Eventually, they’d cave in from the pressure— partly cause their beloved Ichinii isn’t paying them any attention, partly cause they feel bad that they’re excluding this shy little girl, partly also cause the games just look so fun

And so the three Yamada Bros would just play game after game after game: house (imoutoki being the mom, saburo being the dad, ichiro the grandmother and jiro ~unwillingly~ being the baby), hide and seek (with ichiro hiding in the most obvious places on purpose), dolls (feat a highly dramatised re-enactment of a typical scene from a soap opera)

Once they’ve tired out Jiro, Saburo and imoutoki would fall asleep huddled together while Ichiro cleans up their now-disheveled apartment: his back sore and aching, his voice hoarse from all the over-enthusiastic yelling but with a huge smile on his face nonetheless

And eventually when Samatoki arrives up to pick his sister up, his heart melts a little when he sees the rosy flush in her cheeks and the sparkle in her eyes

“I haven’t seen her have this much fun in years. Maybe it’ll do her some good to hang with your bros sometime again in the future… I’ll give you credit for this one, kid— but don’t get too cocky, ya hear me!?”

Samatoki

Ichiro would have always told Jiro and Saburo good things about his delinquent-senpai-idol Samatoki

…but when they actually see him in person for the first time it’d be safe to say that they’d be terrified

Samatoki’s apartment would likely be small and messy, so the two of them would sit awkwardly on the edge of the sofa

Huddled together, with Saburo clinging onto Jiro for dear life (and surprisingly, Jiro doesn’t mind too much— or perhaps he’s just too scared to notice)

Samatoki would sit cross-legged opposite them, silent and glaring

With imoutoki between the two parties, shuffling awkwardly in her seat

And this continues for what seems like hours until imoutoki pulls at Samatoki’s shirt and says “lunchtime”

So Samatoki brings all the kids to the kitchen where he seats them at their small dining table and starts cooking

He’d start off by frying chicken skewers, then mixing sauces to make a light teriyaki glaze. While that’s cooking he’d begin chopping carrots, leeks and onions with surprising speed and precision into little flowers

all while imoutoki hums happily as she waits for another one of her big bro’s feasts, all while saburo and jiro watch with their mouths hanging open because who knew Samatoki could cook??

He’d leave the onigiri for last and when he does, he calls all the kids to help him with it

So they spend ages shaping the rice into different shapes, laughing as sticky rice gets all over their hands and face and clothes

When Ichiro comes to pick them up, they’re only starting to eat (because it took hours to get the rice off the floor and each other) so he joins them as well

And Samatoki sends them home with enough leftovers to last them a few days

Ramuda

     Imoutoki

When Samatoki asks TDD if anyone’s free to babysit his sister, Ramuda’s hand would be the first to shoot up to volunteer

On the day itself, Ramuda would greet her with a huge hug and she’d be startled

Because this man is around her oniichan’s age, yet he’s only a few inches taller than her??

Ramuda would have a whole assortment of activities planned in advance because he’d have been looking forward to this day ever since he heard Samatoki had a little sister

He’d spend hours doing her hair, sewing her new clothes, even pampering her with light makeovers fitting of a girl her age

Letting her dress up and feel pretty for once– an opportunity she’s always wanted but never asked for because she knows Samatoki tries his best already and doesn’t want to trouble him any further

All the while he’d chat to her like an old friend: asking her about school, what pop idol she’s into, which type of sweet tastes best with which kind of tea

And at the end of the day, Samatoki would nearly drop dead when he comes to pick his sister up and sees her all dolled up

He’d probably cry a little thinking that she’s growing up too fast

     Saburo and Jiro

Ramuda would seize the opportunity to babysit Jiro and Saburo, claiming that he’s always wanted little brothers 

But they’d have heard things about the infamous Ramuda and his clingy ways from Ichiro, so they’d formulate plans to evade him as much as possible 

Jiro would likely be rushing around Ramuda’s apartment trying to escape from his clutches of frill and satin, Saburo would hide away in the most obscure of places (and finding Ramuda’s secret stash of lollipops) and Ramuda would eventually collapse onto his sofa, uncharacteristically exhausted 

He’d lie there, seemingly asleep, for a long time 

Until Jiro and Saburo, out of both curiosity and guilt, are baited out to check and see if he’s alright 

…He’d then jump out, tackling them both to the ground and tickling them to no end as they shriek and struggle 

This match would continue for hours on end until they collapse into a sweaty, laughing pile on the fluffy pink carpet in Ramuda’s living room 

….Ichiro would come to pick them up, find them fast asleep in the same spot and end up putting Ramuda to bed too before carrying his sleeping brothers all the way back home 

Jakurai

     Imoutoki

Jakurai’s house is likely filled with all sorts of medical reports and supplies unsuitable for kids to play in, so he’d take her out instead

Most likely to the aquarium, where there’s much to be learned 

(Sensei is single and thus knows little about raising kids but he’s all about teaching them new things, like healthy foods to eat or how not to get cavities idk)

Imoutoki would be amazed by all the different types of fish drifting about like seven-colour-flags, the 

And if she had trouble seeing due to the crowds, Jakurai would lift her up on his shoulders to give her the best view of all 

Though he has to be careful to make sure she doesn’t bump her head on the ceiling

Halfway they’d be stopped by a few middle-aged aunties who’d tell him, “Oh my, what a cute daughter you have!”  and “It’s so nice to see a father spending time with his child on a quiet weekend like this.” 

He’d try to correct them first, but after seeing the bashful look in imoutoki’s eyes and remembering the Aohitsugi family situation, he’d simply smile and say “Yes, I’m very aware of that.” 

When Jakurai drops her back home at the end of the day and she’s waving goodbye, she’d tell Samatoki to “Say bye-bye to Father too”, which would confuse him greatly 

     Saburo and Jiro

Jakurai would go over to the Yamada bros’ apartment to watch over them for Ichiro

Jiro and Saburo would likely be very wary of this giant of a man at first due to his long hair, towering figure and stern-looking face 

He’d see them hovering in the distance, like cats on edge

But the moment he smiles at them in that gentle fashion of his, they’d instantly warm up to him 

Having Jakurai smile at you would be like having an angel’s face shine down upon you… anyone’d be at ease lmao

The boys would spend the rest of the day showing Jakurai around 

Jiro would be eager to bring him outside and show him all his ‘treasures’ and ‘landmarks’: the rock in the backyard where they buried their pet goldfish, the secret spot to the north of the entrance where the ladybugs thrive, even the hidden nest of bush warblers on the fourth branch of the highest tree 

Saburo would be more hesitant, but he’d shyly approach Jakurai with a thick book and quietly mumble something along the lines of “I’d like you to read this to me… please.” 

Of course it’d surprise Jakurai to see a 10 year-old with a book with the title “1001 Lessons in Social Psychology” , but Ichiro DID tell him that his youngest brother was a prodigy

Near the end, Jakurai would bring out a cooler box of Super Cup ice cream he prepared in advance as a secret treat

But Jiro and Saburo’d insist on saving their portions for Ichinii as well 

By the time Ichiro comes home, the ice cream is melted and Jakurai looks apologetic, but he eats it nonetheless 

[anuschkalova]

The Backup Plan (Chapter 1: The Approaching) Elliot x Reader

Summary: Elliot who suffers from weekly crying attacks finds comfort by chatting with a girl called Y/N that he met online. They have a real mutual understanding and grow close. Elliot enjoys the virtual connection, but is soon forced to step out of his comfort zone.  Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Reader Word count: 2.795 Part 2 HERE

If Elliot had to name one thing that he hated the most, it would be his loneliness.

He hated it whenever the silence overfilled his apartment, making him aware of the missing. He hated the overwhelming sadness that attacked his body, forcing him to curl up into a weeping ball and let it all out. He hated his own fucking blubbering; it was pathetic.  And he hated the fact that his morphine was out. 

Elliot squeezed the empty plastic can in his hand and threw it against the wall. „Fuck!“, he spat and pulled at his hair in frustration, walking in circles. Tonight was far worse than usual - his whole mind was intoxicated by the mixture of every single negative thought he had collected over the years, and this damn mental cocktail was hard to swallow. 

He needed something else to numb the pain, to turn his overheated system into sleep mode. What Elliot needed was a backup plan, a good one and preferentially in the next few seconds.

Flipper’s sudden barking made him slightly jump and Elliot stared at the little dog. She always did this during his crying sessions, probably because she sensed his anxiety. But the longer Elliot stared at the big round black eyes it seemed they fixed something behind him, so he turned and sighed. The computer.

„Of course…“ Elliot sat down and furiously tipped on the keyboard, bringing the monitor to life. Its harsh light illuminated his puffy face and the rest of the dimmed room. 

One klick and the browser opened, Elliot typed swiftly and the white page turned into his surrender: the blue version of his morphine - the most popular social media platform. He created an account, logged in and began searching. Looking for someone to write to, getting off his mind for the moment, exchanging nonsense and feeling normal for once. He went to ‚public groups‘ and thought about a topic, something that his future dialog partner would share with him; a common interest was essential for a fluent conversation. Elliot knew that, but only theoretical.  It was a group called Best movies of all time where he read Y/N’s comment about The Nightcrawler, discussing the two faces of society with three other members and without thinking twice his hands had already started a private conversation.

Elliot A., 12:43  What are your favorite movies?

He brought one hand to his mouth and bit at his knuckles impatiently. Shit, he was so desperate that he forgot a ‚Hey‘ or ‚How are you‘. She probably won’t answer him. One minute had passed and the loneliness was still there. Elliot moved the cursor to close the conversation, eager to find someone else, when a noise accompanied the new message he got.

Y/N, 12:45  I will tell you after a proper greeting.

Elliot A., 12:45  Hey.

He hesitated and typed more.

Elliot A., 12:45  Hey. I’m sorry.

God, why did he have to be that awkward? But nevertheless, he got an answer again.

Y/N, 12:46  Hey, don’t be. I was just messing with you ;-) I do like thriller movies like Shutter Island, Split and Hick. What about you?

Elliot felt his tensed shoulders relax as his eyes roamed over the letters. 

Elliot A., 12:46  Sounds interesting. I like any kind of movie as long as it’s good.

Y/N, 12:46  Haha, and what is ‚good‘?

Elliot A., 12:46  Back to the future is pretty good.

Y/N, 12:47  Yeah, I’ve seen it. So you like the sci-fi genre or just the imagination of traveling through time?

Elliot A., 12:47  Don’t we all wish to do that somehow?

Y/N, 12:47  In order to escape reality, yes. 

Elliot leaned closer to the monitor. He felt a weird sensation, as if somebody had put a cozy blanket over his back and rubbed the soft fabric on his skin while whispering I understand you. Did Y/N understand him?

Elliot A., 12:47  Do you wish to escape reality sometimes?

His heart pounded wildly in his chest as he awaited her answer. Elliot was so nervous that he didn’t register his burning eyes due to not blinking. His body however forced him to do so and after his eyes were set back to the monitor he had a new message.

Y/N, 12:48  Yes.

Her answer was short, but it revealed so much more. Elliot, intrigued by Y/N, clicked on her picture to visit her profile. It was set private, so he just stared at her smiling face. She looked so happy and open-minded, her messy bun had lost some strains of hair that framed her blushed cheeks. What story hid beneath those sparkling eyes? What made her wish to escape reality? Elliot’s fingers began to tingle, they always did before he hacked a person. He felt the urge to open her sealed book, reading the missing lines that would complete her story, the beginning and the ripped out pages - he wanted to know everything - every misery and every secret. 

The familiar annoying noise of another message interrupted his thoughts.

Y/N, 12:49  I don’t want to seem weird or anything, considering we chatted for only 5 minutes, but I’m glad you texted me, Elliot. 

Every word became more blurry as Elliot’s eyes teared up. He ran his hand over his face and took a deep breath. Her honesty unwrapped his true intention, so gently and careful not to rip the thin paper that covers his vulnerability. 

Elliot A., 12:49  I am the weird one. I know it must sound pathetic, but I needed someone to talk to.

Y/N, 12:49  Then you’re not alone. I need someone to talk as well. Idk why, but it’s so much easier with a stranger than a friend.

There it was. He read the sentence over and over like a mantra. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. And then, the loneliness was gone. Elliot, who went to therapy for over two years now, started to understand Krista’s words. His therapist always urged him to tell his thoughts instead of bottling it all up inside. Now, the relief was overwhelming as the lid was removed, the inner pressure left his body in pleasant small waves. 

Elliot A., 12:49  I understand you. 

Y/N, 12:50  :-) Btw, I guess you’re a man? You have a unisex name, my sister’s name is Elliot as well. 

Elliot A., 12:50  You’re right. How do you know?

He had no profile picture and no information given to the site besides his name. Of course Elliot had used a fake e-mail account during the registration process. The internet was not trustworthy. 

Y/N, 12:50  The way you write gives it away. Or maybe I just traveled through time and got a glimpse of you.

She tried to lighten up the mood and Elliot appreciated it. His lips twitched into a quick smile before he typed his answer.

Elliot A., 12:51  I take option two. So how do I look?

It took a while for Y/N to answer, so he went over to Flipper’s bowl to fill it with fresh water. The little dog wagged its tail happily while drinking. The roll chair creaked when Elliot sat back to read her text.

Y/N, 12:55  You have bright eyes, blue or green, I couldn’t tell in the short time and you have natural curly hair, brunette and not too short. You wear glasses and a knitted oversized sweater with cats on it.

Elliot A., 12:56  I almost believed you. 

Y/N, 12:56  Was worth the try and hey, I don’t judge.

Elliot A., 12:56  I’m more a dog person. 

Y/N, 12:56  Cool. What’s his/her name?

Elliot A., 12:56 Flipper.

And so Elliot told Y/N the story of how he got Flipper, of course leaving out the hacking part, and they continued writing about this and that. He learned that she was addicted to coffee and long hot baths; that she enjoyed going to the cinema and secretly danced at home to 80’s music. Y/N on the other hand found out that Elliot worked for a cybersecurity company and that he had a sister as well. When Y/N excused herself for a moment, Elliot checked the time. It was 2:28 am and for the first time during this day he was calm. The anxiety had crawled back into the back door of his mind and Elliot won’t open it for the rest of the night. He decided to end the chat and go to sleep, work awaited him in 4.5 hours.

Elliot A., 02:28  I’ll go to bed now. It was nice talking to you, Y/N. 

Y/N, 02:29  Alright. Good night, Elliot. Keep the systems clean :-)

Elliot A., 02:29  I will.

Y/N, 02:29  See you soon.

___

That conversation took place on a Sunday night, and since then the two of them would chat every time Elliot suffered from his loneliness. He could go for a week, completely fine by himself, enduring the lack of human interactions in his life, just to break down within the safety of his apartment. But Elliot had his personal backup plan - Y/N. They wrote about nonsense and meaningful things, about deep emotions and opinions. She was the anchor when his anxiety washed over him like a giant wave, she would keep him on the surface and Elliot stopped panicking.

The routine was set like a clock:  Crying and writing to Y/N. One week past. Crying and writing to Y/N. One week past. Crying again and writing to Y/N.

It worked. She became an important part in Elliot’s life and so it was only natural for him to hack her. He had lasted two days before he gave in and followed his nature. Private messages with friends and family, bank and e-mail accounts, online-shopping activities and social media profiles were not safe from Elliot’s endless thirst for knowledge. He was more than glad to find out that she told him the truth. Then, something caught his attention in her browser’s history, a specific search.

>>Cybersecurity company New York Elliot<<

Y/N had tried to find him. Elliot leaned back in his chair and kept his eyes locked to his name. It was understandable, her wish to put a face to the person she spend hours and hours writing to. Elliot got it, but he still felt uneasy about the imagination showing her his face.  Their relationship would reach a new level of intimacy. He wouldn’t be a screen to her anymore, but a real human. A human she could meet in real life.

„Elliot?“ Krista’s soft voice addressed him, causing him to snap out of his thoughts.  Today was Thursday and Elliot sat on the large couch of his therapist’s office. She titled her head a little. „You are quieter than usual. What are you thinking about?“ Elliot refused to meet her eyes and instead looked down at his fumbling hands. He hadn’t told Krista about Y/N until now.

„I’ve met someone…“ Elliot could see from the corner of his eyes how the woman’s head lifted up, eyebrows raised. He got her full attention. „That’s great, Elliot. Tell me about him, her.“ „Her name is Y/N… We are writing a lot“, he said slowly and his face softened. It was the first time he said her name out loud and he liked the way it left his lips. Krista noticed the change of Elliot’s mimic and smiled in satisfaction. Seeing her patient like that really warmed her heart.

„So you haven’t met Y/N so far?“ Elliot’s head twitched slightly and he turned towards the window. „Elliot?“ „I’m afraid of showing her my face. What if she’ll be disappointed?“, he spoke quietly and Krista watched him swallowing hard, fighting against the upcoming tears.

„What if I won’t match her expectations? We live in a world where looks and status rule. Swiping left because the nose is too big or the eyes are too narrowed, the first impression is always crucial for a relationship.“ Elliot began to shake as the anger built up, his eyes darting across the room before he finally locked gazes with his therapist. Krista raised her hand and motioned him to calm down. He took a deep breath and clenched his hands. 

„You are talking about relationships. Do you feel something for Y/N and are afraid of her possible rejection?“ Elliot shrugged his shoulder and kept his eyes down. „But Elliot, she must be special if you write so much with her. Do you really believe that she’s superficial and will abandon you?“ Krista was right. Y/N wasn’t like the others, she was willing to write to a complete stranger who’s face she hadn’t seen. She had trusted him and what did Elliot do? Hacking and accusing her for being a hypocrite. 

„No…“, he mumbled and Krista nodded. „I know I tell you this every time, but real human interactions are important for you, Elliot.“

___

Y/N, 10:13  Hey, how are you? 

Elliot frowned at Y/N’s message. It had been three days since his last crying session and she was never the one who approached him first. Y/N always waited for him to start the conversation, because she probably knew not to push him.

Elliot A., 10:14  Hey, is everything okay?

She didn’t answer right away and it fed Elliot’s worry. He tipped his fingers against the wooden desk and his nervous tick made Flipper bark in response. „Sorry“, he said to the dog and finally he heard the noise of a new message.

Y/N, 10:17  I’m sorry it’s just… I feel so alone right now. My shithead of boyfriend broke up with me and I’m not sad about it, just really mad. I knew that he cheated on me and I planed on breaking up, it’s just that he accused me of destroying the relationship… He blamed me for everything and it’s just so frustrating.

Guilt laid heavily on Elliot’s shoulder as he recalled today’s therapy session. He also had blamed his anxiety on her and Elliot regretted it. He also regretted hacking her and therefore feeling the lack of surprise. He had read the chats of Y/N and her boyfriend, hacked his profiles and found out about his dirty secret named Samantha. Judging by the texts, he had cheated on Y/N for 1.5 years and Elliot was often tempted to blow his cover.

But he didn’t, because Y/N knew it. She wrote with her sister about his cheating and how she was going to break up with him. Or using her words ‚beating his ass up‘.

Elliot A., 10:18  Don’t be sorry. I would feel the same. He is more than a shithead if he gives up on such a smart and funny woman.

He hoped that his words eased her pain a little. God, he was so bad at this. How did Y/N just managed to safe him every time he was close to falling apart? He saw her typing, but then she paused a moment before she continued.

Y/N, 10:20  Thank you, Elliot. 

She was holding back something, he felt it.

Elliot A., 10:20  You can tell me anything, Y/N. Don’t hide.

Elliot scoffed at his own text. Don’t hide. He should be the last person telling her to not hide. But his words actually reached her and Elliot’s heart stopped beating when he saw her plead.

Y/N, 10:22  I just wish you could hold me in your arms. I’m sorry if it’s weird, but I trust you so much and I know you probably want to keep it this way and maybe it’s just because of my emotions, but I want to know you more.

Elliot could visualize her crying face - eyes red and cheeks glistening from her salty tears. She must be so desperate if she asked him for the one thing she knew he avoided all the time. Elliot’s backup plan was a real human with real emotions and a beating heart. Y/N had saved him so many times, so wasn’t it his turn to return the favor? His hands ghosted over the keyboards, waiting for his brain’s order. He wet his dry lips as he tipped his message to her.

Elliot A., 10:24  We can meet tomorrow if that’s okay.

To be continued… Part 2 HERE

[lunisramblings]

The past few weeks have been particularly tough for me. I’ve been working hard in my studies since the start of this year, pushing on harder and harder, without being able to take any proper breaks. Though I’ve become very good at keeping myself happy and content all of the time, the past few weeks I’ve hit a dead end. I’ve experienced complete mental exhaustion, unable to Will myself to study further, to interact with anyone at all, and even get myself to stay awake. All I want is to sleep and stay asleep, away from the mess that has become my mind, my dreams of friendships and adventures, and hopes for the future that constantly keep my thoughts abuzz.

Today was no different, though it was worse. Having had a complicated time with certain aspects of my life, being unable to study no matter how hard I try, and prematurely facing a waterfall of emotions that all women face once a month, I spent the entire day crying and napping. And that’s not an exaggeration. That’s all I did all day, filled with anger, regret, and deep frustration. However, during one of these “episodes”, I realised something.

I was turning 20 in a mere 17 days. Pondering over this thought, I somehow magically came across a post telling me I had 2555 days of being a teenager, total, and with only 17 of those left, I had less than 0.66% of my teenage life left. WHAT? Where did the time go? Why had I spent my entire teenage life crying, trying, and studying?

See, when I was younger, thanks to Disney in particular, I thought teenage life was all there was to life. 16, according to Hilary Duff, would be sweet and full of car rides under palm trees. 17, according to ABBA, would make me the dancing queen with a lively social life, especially Friday nights when the lights are low. 18, according to everyone and everything, would be wild; partying, driving, falling in love and everything else under the sun. At 18 I’d also be a beauty queen with a broken smile, according to Maroon 5. And 19 would be to wind it up, say sayonara to the fun life, ready to settle down into a great university, preferably in America, and be okay. That was the plan.

In hindsight, I did absolutely nothing. I have a few secrets and fun times under my belt, yes, but not nearly what I’d planned or dreamed of. Just today, I spent the entire day crying because of my own faults in trusting people to never use their power to hurt me. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks in an absolute mental low, with nowhere to look. But after going through all these thoughts, I realise something.

In the next 17 days, I have limited resources so I may not be able to go on a great adventure, or be able to create lasting friendships, or make too many memories. But the least I can do is enjoy these last 17 days of being a teenager. I can hold my parents closer than I do, thank them for checking up on me again and again when they see me buried in blankets with swollen eyes. I can spend extra time playing fetch with Fefe and giving him the belly rubs he deserves. I can listen to my siblings talk about their passions and try and actively engage myself in their lives. I can dance at 2am in the dark in my room for no reason. I can watch mind blowing movies and shows and spend hours pondering the meaning of life. I can read novels that move me to tears. At the very least, I can stop crying over things I have no control over and things that aren’t my fault, I can pull myself out, somewhat, of this pit and be the Maha I’ve always wanted to be.

Life is so so short. It passes by in seconds. In my 20’s I’ll hopefully get into a great university, graduate, begin my career, travel a whole lot, and get married too. I know I try hard to maintain healthy friendships and relationships in my life, however with life passing me by this damn quick, I can’t be spending time crying over how people chose to treat me. I can’t be crying over things I have no control over, things that take time to take place.

I’ve got 17 days left of being a teenager, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone, especially my own self, cheat me out of living these days to the absolute fullest.

20, I’ll be ready for you.

[moonlit-tulip]

Tagged by: @phenoct

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 followers you want to know better.

Named after anyone?

Not that I can think of. I actually pretty deliberately avoided giving myself any names already used by any people or fictional characters I was more-than-very-tangentially aware of, for reasons I no longer remember in full detail.

Last time you cried?

I don’t remember. I’m kind of terrible at the whole actually-crying thing, despite estradiol and despite my own preference to the contrary. It’s something I kind of want to improve on, although I’m not really sure how.

Do you have kids?

Nope. No particular plans to acquire them at a future date, either; raising kids seems like a deeply troublesome experience about which I lack the “but it’ll be rewarding enough to be worthwhile on net” feeling that many people seem to have.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Nope. I use it once in a while, but it’s unusual enough that I’m failing to think of any specific recent occasions on which I did so.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I’m not sure; I’ve never thought to pay attention to the precise order in which I’ve noticed things when meeting new people, although in retrospect that seems like it would be an interesting thing to pay attention to. If I had to guess, then I’d say that physical-appearance-wise it’s hair and psychology-wise it’s social style (in the sense of, like, talkativeness versus quietness, bluntness versus dancing-around-things-ness, et cetera, although which variables I particularly notice vary a lot from person to person), but I could easily be wrong about that.

What’s your eye color?

Hazel.

Scary movie or happy ending?

Probably the latter, if I were to take it as a strict binary, although strictly speaking my answer is “both”. I really like stories where general story events are pretty dark but where the ending ends up nonetheless being happy. (And I do like non-happy endings more than a lot of people do, I think; while I still probably prefer happy endings over unhappy ones on net, it’s not nearly as strong a preference as I have the impression it is for a lot of people. (It’s sufficiently non-strong that, when a story in a happy-ending-prone genre pulls off a well-done unhappy ending, I tend to be pretty actively delighted, with the extra utility from the novelty of it being more than enough to overcome the gap in my enjoyment between the two sorts of ending.))

Where were you born?

New Jersey.

What are your hobbies?

Consuming fiction and commentary thereupon, occasionally brainstorming ideas related to writing fiction although I rarely actually manage to implement those ideas, spending time interacting with people I like, probably some others I’m currently failing to think of.

Do you have any pets?

Nope.

What sports do you/have you played?

Fencing. I did it as PE in college during every semester except the one where one of my other classes overlapped with the fencing class’s meeting time, long past the point at which I’d filled the PE requirement and could in theory stop, because I found it so much fun. I’m expecting to miss it now that I’m graduating and can no longer take advantage of my school’s stock of fencing gear. (Ideally I’ll eventually get some fencing gear of my own, find a club to fence at, and get back into it; but in practice fencing gear is expensive and it’ll probably be a while before I do that.)

How tall are you?

6 foot 1.

Favorite subject in school?

If we’re talking Broad Academic Fields, computer science; intro compsci is probably my favorite single class that I’ve taken, and the other compsci classes I’ve taken were generally fun as well, although less so. If narrower subject areas count, logic; intro logic was Extremely Fun and is the reason intro compsci is only probably my favorite class I’ve taken, and both of the higher-level logic classes I took after the intro one were excellent too.

Dream job?

Housewife, probably; the combination of flexible hours, tangible improvements to my personal life as a result of the stuff I do, and lack of need to interact with any sort of rigid bureaucratic system for job-related reasons (at least most of the time) make it pretty much ideal for me.

People I tag

(I’m going to not do this part, due to [having a general feeling of reticence about tagging people in things like this if they haven’t made blanket statements to the effect that they’re okay with it] and [not currently recalling seeing any such statements from my followers]; but anyone who follows me and is interested in doing this meme should feel free to take me as having tagged them.)

[ptsfreed]

Starting over

TW: mental abuse, physical abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting

For years, I’ve kept a journal or blog.  I started when I was 5 when my mom bought me my first journal (it even had a lock and key).  As I got older, I transitioned to blogs.  I tried them all, Xanga, Tumblr, Blogspot.  Writing has always been cathartic for me, a way to process and heal.  I had gradually fallen out of the habit but I know that it’s time to start up again.  Last week, I actually made a booming return to paper/pencil journaling, but let’s get real--my hand hurts.  Typing is just so much faster.  Blogging it is.

I suppose I should start out with outlining my goals for what I’m planning to achieve with my return to writing.  I want to give myself the opportunity to slow down, process my emotions and experiences, and heal.  I like having the ability to have something physical to look back on, sort of like a barometer for intangible growth.  It’s hard to measure social-emotional learning otherwise.  

Here’s what I’m currently dealing with.  I’m 31, married, with two children.  I’m a full-time work-from-home-parent.  I am a moderate/severe special ed teacher for a virtual charter school.  My husband also works from home full-time in the entertainment industry, so it’s just us versus the kids all day.  My little ones are 3 and the other is just shy of one.  My husband and I became first-time homeowners right in the midst of the pandemic.  Then he was laid off.  For seven months.  We’re both educated with experience in our field.  Overnight, we went from a six-figure household to becoming eligible for food stamps.  This year, I marveled at how easily a job loss in a two-income household could turn that very same household eligible for welfare.

Depression ran high.  The booze flowed.  My PTSD symptoms went untreated as available therapy appointments became more scarce with the entire world enduring a collective trauma together. I watched my strong husband crumble.  I saw him cry and doubt himself for the first time ever.  I watched as a dark cloud seemed to envelop our household, ridden with fear for the future, uncertainty for the present.  We became expert budgeters.  We ate all the leftovers.  We helped each other to thrive with the most limited social interaction in our lives.  With the welcoming of our son, we compromised our social-distancing for family’s sake, with the promise that everyone in our pod would commit to limiting our social diets to strictly one-another.  It was hard...we love our families, but we dearly missed our friends.  Living two hours away from family in the first place, our local friends quickly became family.  But we adjusted.  Loneliness was preferable to falling ill to Covid--or worse, dying.  

At some point during the pandemic, my mom moved in with us after leaving her abusive 30-year relationship with my father.  Except, she never really left.  She maintained contact with him.  I knew it would be difficult for her.  I expected the separation to be hard, painful, and drawn-out.  What I didn’t expect was how severely living with my mom again after seven years would impact my mental health.  I could feel my anxiety levels rising.  My resentment steadily followed.  I didn’t want things to feel this way.  I was battling toddlerhood with a strong-willed, fiery, emotional kid with a penchant for hitting and also adjusting to life as a full-time working mom of two.  I felt the emotional toll of being there for everyone, compassion fatigue, though I hated to say it.  I felt like as a doting mother, good wife, caring teacher, and compassionate daughter I needed to do it.  But the toll it was taking on my body and mental health was unmistakable.  I cried, sometimes for no reason at all.  I snapped, I felt angry at small things.  My house looked like a tornado ran through it at all times.  Finding motivation to do things was like pulling teeth.  I gained weight, I hit the bottle almost nightly, though I typically limited myself to two drinks.  I told myself I deserved it.  Lots of people share a bottle every night with their significant other.  It’s not like it was impacting my ability to perform my job or care for my children.  Deep down, I still didn’t like it.  It felt like the only way to escape from the hell of quarantine and being broke.  I just wanted to see people.  Spend without immediately regretting it.  Yet here we were.

The year has been a challenge.  Ridden with strong toddler emotions and learning to navigate parenthood while actively trying to break the cycle of spanking and yelling to discipline.  I don’t always succeed and I hate myself each time I snap.  I run to my daughter, apologize and tell her that I was feeling overwhelmed, but that wasn’t okay.  It’s never okay to spank a bottom or yell because you want compliance.  If I can’t always be the perfect parent, then I can at least be one that is apologetic and not too proud to say sorry.  I want to teach accountability and remorse for one’s own actions.  At the very least, I can instill that.  That’s the silver lining of losing your cool, I guess.  But with these apologies and accepting accountability, it’s important that I also couple these sentiments with change.  It’s important that I do this in all aspects of my life, which is what I hope to achieve with writing.  I need to hold myself accountable and be able to look back at change.  I can do this.  I have done so much.  I have survived the pandemic.  I have created a family.  I have finished a bachelor’s and a master’s degree with little financial support.  I have paid my way out of debts.  I can do this.

1.  First and foremost, the reason I started writing again in the first place, I am done with binge drinking.  I feel pangs of doubt as I write this, afraid of my own capacity for caving to cravings and peer pressure.  As I experience those pangs, I can hear a silent voice in the back of my head telling me to push forward and cast that doubt aside.  I know I can do this.  Enough is enough.  My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy.  I began my drinking career in college surrounded by friends that made me feel home.  Drinking was fun, cool, part of the experience.  Pre-gaming was encourage and expected.  If pre-gaming meant you got drunk before the party, then the goal of the party was to get even more smashed.  I carried these habits into adulthood and still carry them with me today.  My last binge was Sunday and I’m not going to torment myself by recanting how bad it was yet again.  My goal isn’t to stop drinking entirely, just to have a healthier relationship with alcohol altogether.  Binging isn’t healthy.  The person I become when I drink isn’t healthy.  I can control this.  I can do this.

2.  I want to continue my journey into healthier eating and fitness habits.  As of today, this is the longest time I’ve ever seriously stuck with a weight loss goal.  I’ve lost 6 pounds since I began with mostly just-dieting.  The fitness part has been difficult to make time for, but I’m working on it.  I know that this goal is closely tied to goal #1.  If I can get in control of my diet, I can get in control of my drinking.  I am in charge.  I can take ownership of my health.  I can do this.

3.  I want to continue learning about my PTSD, my symptoms and how they have and continue to impact my life.  I want to continue learning about establishing healthy boundaries with people I love, my mom included, unfortunately.  I want to continue learning about narcissistic abuse, substance abuse, and how these factors have contributed to who I am as well as my entire family dynamic.  Growing up hispanic, it has been incredibly difficult to establish boundaries without being labeled as “too good”, “hateful” and “too angry”.  I have been told countless times by my own mother that I’m too angry and upset at my father who physically and mentally abused me and my entire family for as long as I can remember.  My dad has cheated on my mom and rejected me for over two decades.  I am sick and tired of being told to forgive my abuser because my boundaries make others feel uncomfortable.  What has been especially hard after actively working on myself for 3+ years is having my own family tell me that perhaps therapy isn’t suiting me because it’s made me “too angry” and that I’ve “lost my lust for life”.  They want to assume that my general sense of frustration is attributed to not talking to my dad, when in reality, freeing myself from that relationship has afforded me more peace than I ever could have fathomed.  Sure, there are difficult moments, but every time I think that maybe that relationship may be worth pursuing again, I am reminded of why I have established such rock-solid boundaries in the first place.  According to others though, this makes me too hateful.  Too angry.  “You’ve punished him enough”, they say.  As if this was ever about punishment and not about protecting myself and my children from narcissistic abuse in the first place.  They say this and accuse this anger of pouring into other aspects of my life, without ever once asking what’s really going on inside.  Not once has anybody asked how parenthood is going.  How I’m coping with the pandemic and the renewed sense of cautious freedom now that I am fully vaccinated and my husband is halfway vaccinated.  Not once has anybody thought to consider that maybe I’m not super woman, that I’m just human and that I too have moments of vulnerability that I irresponsibly cope with by binge drinking.  Instead, everybody says that the best course of action is to essentially “get over” my resentment and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the decades-long abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father.  The same hands that banged my head against a wall, beat me within an inch of my life, and then sent me to work at a cosmetics counter without a stitch of makeup and completely battered and bruised.  According to the armchair therapists in my life, it’s my job to let go of these feelings and now trust this same meth-addicted man with my children.  I need to trust in his capacity for change and honesty after 20+ years of lying and gaslighting.  I don’t want my boundaries to cost me the most important relationships in my life.  But at this point, I can’t do it anymore.  I am exhausted with explaining myself, for demanding respect and begging to have my story heard and considered.  My mom will continue to choose my dad over me.  She feels compelled to be his friend and the peacekeeper, still, even after attending therapy and working on herself.  I know that my dad is at the center of this, stirring the pot and causing a rift in my relationship with my mother because having me out of the picture will bring the two of them closer.  “See, she turned her back on you too”, I can hear him saying.  This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life.  I have been told that by my parents my entire life that I am essentially dispensable.  “I don’t fucking need you”, my dad would say.  My mom would “intervene” by asking me what I did to make him so upset, and perhaps I should just “find somewhere else to live” if this was how I was going to act.  I hate feeling this way.  It hasn’t gotten easier as a 31 year old woman, but I can say that I am now able to see the situation much more objectively and with clarity.  This is why it’s important to keep attending therapy, working on my drinking, practicing mindfulness, and living my life with intention.  Wellness really does come full circle.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

[alisamaefawn394]

Ijust spent half an hour writing this, for it to delete just before I got ot the fucking pointttttt. Continued below image...

So naturally, with British schools going back, there’s been a spike in Covid cases. I’m at risk, however, I attend a very small school (there aren’t even 30 in the biggest year group. There are 29 in my year and the year above, and we’re in a bubble together) and we’re in a very rural area, a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. We’ve had a few negative tests and hardly any scares thankfully, but recently, one of the village schools (primary or middle) has received a positive test and has had to send certain students into isolation.

Due to circumstance, my school barely interacts wit these schools, and I don’t think there is a single sibling connection; but still, the Headmaster kicked his bum into gear with this news and is very scared that we’ll get a result, so has instituted stricter measures.

Already we have one way systems, different bubbles for year groups, seating plans lower down the school, staggered lunch times, a rule of two for lunch outings, separate loos; but with sixth form being so small and constantly mingling, no stricter measures were enforced with us - until Thursday. We now have strict seating plans in the common room(where we study during frees, where we spend break and lunch, where we eat and socialise and register and have PSHE), and we can’t even move to sit with friends at another desk during lunch time. Almost all desks are pairs or rows of 5/6, with a few individual seats along the side which I’ll get to in a moment. In lessons, even though class sizes are so small (there’s three in my biggest class, and that’s over two whole year groups) we have to sit at least one seat apart. No touching, no sharing the kettle etc.

The only socialising I get is during my joint French lessons on Mondays and Thursdays, an my English lessons on Thursdays and Tuesdays (although these don’t really count since my classmate is dim as fuck.) I ask for help when necessary, and I strike up conversation with people very easily; I just don’t have any friends yet. 

Just as I was striking up the courage to ask the group of students in my year who sit together if I could sit with them one lunch time, these restrictions have been instigated. I sit alone in a closed off corner alcove, and the only person who comes near me here is Sam when desiring access to his locker, right next to my head. The other alcoves are within touching distance of the desks, and the people here sit next to their friends, and therefore can still speak to their friends at lunch and stuff. The way my seat is positioned, I cannot do this. I also can’t have anyone in a lift with me, nor sit close to Sam and receive help from him.

I’m a disabled student in a new environment. I need a lot of help, and have no set friends. Now I’m being denied the chance to make any for the foreseeable future. If I collapse in the lift, I’ll be stuck in there with no oxygen, as it’s the kind of lift that won’t move unless the button is being continually pressed. If I start crying, people can’t even approach me and vice versa. I’m not saying that either of these things will happen, I’m just thinking hypothetically.

This means I’ll be even more isolated than before. The only interaction I’ll have in school will be class times, and even then I only have 7 hours a week with other students, 8 if I’m very lucky. I’m not a huge fan of social interaction, but fuck knows how I’m going to get by this. 

A week ago, I was literally picked up by someone, who also had to keep an eye on my wheelchair, and then stayed very close to me for the next hour that we were together to comfort me after I nearly fell and broke my fucking nose. If it weren’t for him, I would have. This can no longer happen. 

A few weeks ago I was feeling very tearful after a traumatic event, and a girl I’ve known for 10 years came over to me and pulled a chair up and just sat with me and comforted me. Now that can’t happen. 

It’s the little acts that have made school bearable for me. I’m not particularly a fan of people, I didn’t come to school to make friends, but now that I can’t, even if I wanted to? Now that I can’t even speak to people or sit at a desk with someone else even if I’m on the verge of a panic attack? there’s something innately scary about that. 

I spend all day every day alone. I have spent all day every day alone since the end of January 2019. That’s more than two and a half fucking years. And now the only security and socialisation I have has been cut off? I have no fucking friends and the only console I have is in books and fictional characters, but the farther I’m sucked into these fictional realms, the more closed off I’m becoming to society. 

I have no friends, no socialisation, nothing; and I am so fucking lonely. 

Just as I saw a light and a chance to not be alone, it was ripped from me. 

[corescharacters]

Details: Hali Naras

( Thumbnail of a wonderful sketch by @roadpiggie​ <3 )

Full name

Hali Naras

Preferred name/nickname

Hali

Generally referred to as

Hali

Appearance.

FACECLAIM: Me! (She’s a shameless self-insert. Leave me alone.) SEX: Female, cis. HEIGHT: 5′ 6″ WEIGHT: 235 ponze BUILD: Fat, slightly curvy with most of her weight around her stomach and butt. HAIR: Long, naturally-wavy with bangs that cover one eyebrow. Blonde with silver streaks. SKIN: Pale, smooth, generally very healthy. EYES: Deep blue with thick, darker blue limbal rings. MOUTH: Slightly big mouth, average lips, and generally good teeth. NOSE: Average sized, fairly thin and pointy. HANDS: Average, thick fingers, clipped nails with currant purple polish. Thumbs often have hangnails and red, torn skin from anxious picking. FEET: Fairly larger-than-average feet, well-trimmed nails. SCARS: Massive, fulm-wide wound at solar plexus that goes through to back. Looks like a wound that should have killed her (it did). CLOTHES: Almost always in currant purple, tends toward long, black skirts and thigh-high boots. Almost always wearing gloves to keep from picking fingers. Large, rimless glasses. OTHER FEATURES: Large, flat, fin-like Au Ra horns, scales on forehead, sides of head, chest, arms, hands, legs, and feet, very long, thick, scaly tail. All of-white cream-colour (Raen). OTHER NOTEABLE FEATURES: Blush-like rash takes up most of her cheeks and sometimes the bridge of her nose - varies in intensity and can be smooth or scaly. Often covered by very meticulous and skillful application of makeup. Enjoys makeup and is often wearing it for any occasion.

Speech.

VOICECLAIM: Adriana Figueroa (Adrisaurus) ACCENT: Eorzean VERBAL TICKS: Stutters, pauses, repeats words, and generally has a hard time talking. Worsens with stress. LANGUAGE: Eorzean and Doman, both fluently. ARTICULATION: Very bad at explanations, generally has a hard time talking. EDUCATION: Very well-educated, mostly-self-taught. Enjoys larger words when she can manage them. LAUGHTER: Can be anywhere from soft and musical to harsh and maniacal. GRUMP: Mutters very frequently, grumbles and growls when annoyed. BREATHING: Sniffs laughs (short, quick exhale through the nose), sighs a lot. Sniffles and clears throat constantly.

Mannerisms.

FACE: Very expressive, though often displays inappropriate emotions. HANDS: Gestures a lot with hands, though it can be subtle. If not gesturing, tends to fidget. LEGS/FEET: Taps feet to music in head, bounces leg. EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS: Very extreme mood swings, prone to panic attacks that range from whining and nervous to total sobbing meltdown HABITS: Fidgets with hands, picks at thumbs if hands aren’t covered, has to adjust at slightest discomfort, constantly fixing glasses, sniffling, and clearing throat. Licks lips a lot. POSTURE: Slouches a bit, tends to look fairly lax. If panicked, tends to go rigid. WALKING POSTURE: Somewhat lazy, bouncing stride. If nervous, will walk in short, tight steps. SITTING POSTURE: One leg crossed under the other - thigh over ankle. Frequently switches legs. Puts up feet when able. PERSONAL SPACE: Mandatory. Do not touch. SPACIAL AWARENESS: Incredibly spatially aware, both physically and aethereally OTHER: Tends to do everything rather quickly,as if rushed, nervous. Constantly observing surroundings, looking over shoulders. Unable to sit or stand still. 

Health:

DIET: Everything is home-cooked. Overeating and stress-eating is a very big problem. SLEEP: Sleeps frequently, but very lightly. Prone to strange, if not fever, dreams from slightest provocations. EXERCISE: Constantly training on off-time with climbing, running, and combat exercises. Trains with shortblades and throwing weapons. ACTIVITY: One extreme or the other: work to exhaustion or do nothing at all. CLEANLINESS: Meticulous about cleanliness and presentation. ODOUR: Smells of lavender. MEDICINAL DRUGS: Potions for frequent headaches. NARCOTICS: Moko. ADDICTIONS: Probably food. ILLNESS: Chronic pain ranging from mild to crippling. INJURIES: Was killed by being shot through the stomach by a ballista. Revived through otherworldly means after spending a day undead. PARASITES: None. OTHER: Very overweight. Incredibly heat-sensitive - gets violently ill if too hot for too long.

Personal.

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?: Extreme introvert. OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST: Generally pessimistic. GENDER: Female. SEXUALITY: Asexual. Lack of interest but will do it for someone who means enough. ROMANTIC: Dislikes romance. Too confusing and stressful. Generally uninterested in the first place. Very difficult to develop romantic feelings, if any. MEMORY: Very forgetful, but very good memory for otherwise inane things and subjects. PLANNING: Likes to plan, but plans never work out. Lots of improvisation. PENSIVE: Constantly thinking about anything and everything. Often overwhelms self with own reflections. INTUITION: Fairly intuitive, generally PROBLEM SOLVING: Very quick learner, efficient problem-solver GOALS: Constant improvement and fun above all else. INSECURITIES: Insecure about her weight, but hides it. Insecure about failures and social awkwardness. Very insecure about how she is perceived. ACHIEVEMENTS: Won the Games of Glory fighting tournament, Iron Chef Eorzea, and has been training to become a shinobi with exceptional success  ANXIETY: Damned near everything. OVERWHELMED: Very, very frequently. Shuts down often. SELF-HELP: Food. Spends time with her cat. Cries. COMFORTS: Food. Her cat. A safe, quiet space. Crying. BAD HABITS: Sniffling, clearing throat, picking at thumbs, licks and chews on lips. PHILOSOPHY: Feels that religion is weakness of will. TRIGGERS: Anything bad happening to (actual) cats. Prone to acute aether sickness when overstimulated by aether or, especially, around sources of chaotic or corrupted aether. Panic or even insanity induced when afflicted by even mild aether sickness.

The Past.

PARENTS/GUARDIANS: Parents were very protective and supportive. SCHOOL: Excelled with education, conjury, and archery. ADOLESCENCE: Painfully awkward, could not connect with peers. LEAVING HOME: Did not fit with clan, had to leave once reaching adulthood. FURTHER EDUCATION: Studied various forms of magic including conjury and arcanima. Was terrible at the latter. FIRST JOB: Healing at the Conjurer’s Guild. It was boring. LIFE EVENTS: The Calamity shattered Hali’s mind due to the sheer aethereal chaos. She was not seen for over a year after. Meeting Zheng Diremite and being brought into Gold and Glory opened many new opportunities. Meeting Kel Lin introduced her to her future first real crush, best friend, and shinobi trainer. Meeting the Immortals presented her with a unique, but ultimately mistaken, new path and opportunity. WORST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: The Calamity. Hali’s mind was shattered by the horrifying amounts of aether corruption and the screaming of the very planet. She spent the next year possessed by paranoid, insane fits.

BEST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: Hali fought T’rahven Tia at a sparring match and, after an hour of intense, no-holds-barred sparring, she beat him. It signified the greatest improvement she had ever made for herself. LESSONS: Improvement is hard. It is pain. It is not pleasant. Only the result is pleasant. The easy way will kill you in the long run. LOOKING BACK: Hali would change nothing that she has done. Her actions and choices have made her how she is now, for better or worse.

Relationships.

FAMILY: Her parents. Her cousin Dail’a. Her best friend Kel Lin. Her other good friends Hanaru Hariko and T’rahven Tia. FRIENDSHIPS: Hali has many “friends” but only a handful of people keep that meaning and emotion when not present, and who actually feel “real” to her. FRIENDS IN NEED: Hali will always offer advice, even if it’s not asked for. NEEDING A FRIEND: Never afraid to run crying to a friend. Usually Kel. ANNOYANCES: Tries to talk things out rationally, always. If unable to reach an agreement, will just agree to disagree. ROMANCE: VERY BAD AT ROMANCE. Will probably get nervous and run away or stutter incoherently and blush into oblivion. MARITAL PROBLEMS: Same as any other problem - rational discussion or leave it alone. ADVERSARIES: Cruelty to her, generally. Just don’t be mean to her. ENEMIES: Hurting her physically, constant torment. Being Maximillian Crawford. STRANGERS: Tries to be kind and respectful so she is treated kindly in turn. FUN STUFF: Anything with a real friend is fun, even just talking. DATING: She has no idea. Hug...? BEST FRIEND: Kel Lin, without a shadow of a doubt. LOVE: Unsure. Doesn’t want to have one, but doesn’t have much choice if it happens. WORST ENEMY: Maximillian Crawford. RESPECT: Any respect afforded to enemies is false at best to avoid public altercations.

Interactions.

MINGLING: Generally very agreeable, but terrible at small talk. COMFORT LEVELS: People make her uncomfortable, just by existing. There are very few exceptions. PHYSICAL: DO NOT TOUCH. DO. NOT. TOUCH. Ironically, very touchy with people she trusts, likes, and feels are “real.” GROUPS: Not good in groups. Prefers small groups if anything. OPENNESS: No filter. Either secrets are locked up tight or there are no secrets. GENEROSITY: Very generous, usually in the hope of reciprocation of kindness. JEALOUSY: Very jealous, and can be about a wide variety of things. TEMPER: Quick to annoyance, but hard to push her beyond that. Will fly into a rage if a “real” friend is hurt. EMPATHY: Hali does not comprehend emotion. It’s too difficult and overwhelms her. Others’ emotions generally do not reach her at all, save those she manages to associate to “real” people. AFFECTION: Hugging, touching, gift-giving. DISTASTE: Glaring, staring, venomous tone. ETIQUETTE: Has no concept of etiquette, though tries to emulate it to the best of her ability by observing others around her. RESPONSIBILITY: Every mistake must be corrected. Always. SELF ESTEEM: Quick to stand up for herself to others. Even quicker to tear herself down. CONFIDENCE: Very concerned with others’ perception, since that usually influences how she is treated. HONESTY: Brutally honest. No filter. Remains silent otherwise. LEADER OR FOLLOWER: Neither. Adapts to the situation as needed. PARTY TRICKS: Incredibly skilled in cooking and with throwing weapons. PRAISE: VERY responsive to praise. FAILURES: In her eyes, she, herself, is a burden and annoyance. Her mood swings and switches between total apathy and utter anxious meltdown often drive people away. CRITICISM: Externally accepting. Internally curses and berates herself, unless alone (where it becomes external). INSULTS: Insults are often returned in kind. EMBARRASSMENT: Gets embarrassed often enough. Will try to leave. FLIRTING: Does not understand flirting, and will not try. ATTENTION SPAN: Genera- squirrel! SITUATIONS: Any social situation is stressful. The worse it is, the more of a chance there is for her to panic.

Life.

CAREER: Chef - incredibly talented and loves the work. PROMOTION: Always hoping to be recognised for her hard work and skill. BOSS: Tenuous with Anthony Crawford. Loathes Maximillian Crawford entirely. DUTY: Prep work, dinner, breakfast, late-night, Open Tavern Nights. TECH: Has a decent understanding of magitek. POLITICS: Doesn’t care. COMBAT SKILLS: Trash mage. Shinobi-in-training of rapidly-increasing skill. HOME: Average - not messy or overly neat. Must be clean, though. DAILY LIFE: Constantly anxious and frequently overwhelmed, but manages to cope. INDEPENDENCE: Prefers to be alone. COOKING: “Iron Chef Hali Naras” should say it all. BUILDING: Basic DIY and good assembly, not great with actual fabrication. CLEANING: Everything must be clean. SHOPPING: Generally spaces out when shopping, buys too much. DRIVING: Knows how to ride a trained coeurl. FINANCES: Very well-off, though lives modestly. MARRIAGE: No opinion. KIDS: NO. PETS: Her cat Finn is the most important person in the world. DEPENDANTS: Her cat. LAW: Is fairly adept in thievery. Has assaulted and/or killed a few people. COURT: Never. PRISON: Never. TRAVELLING: Travels frequently. MEDICAL: Injured very frequently, but is a very cooperative patient. ILLNESS: Mildly Autistic. Very awkward socially, has trouble with sensory processing, easily overwhelmed. Potential Borderline Personality Disorder. Severe anxiety. PTSD.   WORRIES: It varies, but there is always something. PEACE: Peace and quiet. PARTYING: PEACE. AND. QUIET. HOBBIES: Shinobi training. Cooking. Studying. Sleeping. Eating. Magic. Singing. Writing.

[asunx]

KIMURA ASUNA ↳ REFLECTIONS AND IMPERFECTIONS !

“ —- we watched the S U N go down as we were walking, i’d spend the rest of my life just standing here, talking you’d explain the current, as i just SMILE ... hoping i just stay the same and nothing will change, and it’ll be us , just for a w h i l e. ”

GENERAL INFO

full name : kimura asuna nickname(s) : asuna, sunny ( by friends ) gender : cisfemale preferred pronouns : she / her age & dob : twenty & june eleventh astrological sign : gemini sexual & romantic orientation : homosexual & homoromantic birthplace/hometown : california, usa parents/siblings : kimura ikko ( father ) & kimura miyumi ( mother ) language(s) known/spoken : english, japanese, korean ( semi-fluent ) current living arrangements : on her own, in a small one bedroom apartment occupation/major : waitress & student ( majoring in astronomy )

APPEARANCES

height : 178 cm build : toned hair color : blonde eye color : brown ( though she often wears contacts ; she likes to experiment with colours ) typical style of dress : plaid long sleeved shirts & baggy tees & jean shorts ! jeans when it’s colder out, & big hooded sweaters. sweatpants on lazy days ! ( HERE ) body modifications : moon tattoo on her left ring finger, flower arrangements on her right arm & lower abdomen ( all are done in line art ! ) & her septum’s pierced.

BODY LANGUAGE AND MANNERISMS

how does your muse walk? : very lightly when she’s in a good mood ! asuna carries herself very freely ? she walks like she doesn’t have a care in the world ( despite the fact that she’s actually v upset deep down ... she just represses everything ). she does have a tendency to stop her feet when she’s angry though ! she’ll throw a fit ; she’s a fan of theatrics.  how does your muse talk? : she talks very quickly & a LOT ! asuna loves to hold conversation, as long as it’s not with someone only fluent in languages she doesn’t know because she grows frustrated with not being able to understand or keep up. she’s the type of person who needs the last say, & it’s difficult to argue with her because she’ll constantly nag & say the same thing repeatedly with hopes of having the final word.  how high (or low) is the tone of their voice? : her voice is fairly high ; it sounds ‘ sickeningly sugary sweet ’ how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )? : she stands very relaxed most of the time ; though her shoulders are often pulled back rather than slumped forward. she does this partially as an intimidation factor, but it’s mainly because it’s comfortable for her ! whenever she’s standing / stationary, she tends to bend one knee & rest her weight on the other leg.  how does your muse typically smell? : like warm summer nights -- like sand, shells & the ocean. growing up in cali, she’s been told in the past that she reminds people of their childhood, when they’d frequent beaches with their families. she also smells very natural ; not like she’s drowning herself in artificial scents ( such as heavy perfumes ).  what kind of air do they carry? are they intimidating? : asuna’s not too intimidating upon a first glance. she’s very welcoming & friendly, though she becomes intimidating when someone crosses her. whenever she’s truly furious she turns into a completely different person altogether ; she’ll kick & scream & pretty well throw a temper tantrum. she also may get physically violent, depending on the situation ! 

PSYCHOLOGY

how do they respond to stress? : very terribly -- she ignores the issue until it becomes impossible to do so. she doesn’t like facing problems head on & prefers to live a stress-free lifestyle. she’s still ignoring / repressing the death of her ex.  what makes your muse happiest? : it’s going to sound incredibly corny & cliche, but long walks on the beach. asuna’s very much a nature girl, she loves being by the ocean & spending time pacing the shore. she has memories of walking the shore with her best friend when she was younger ; the two found shells & collected them ... she still has them on display in her room, despite the fact that she’s no longer friends with that person anymore.  what upsets them the most? : seeing car accidents or being involved in accidents. it brings back memories of her ex & all of the emotions associated with the accident. she has nightmares about it occasionally, which cause her to become mentally exhausted for days on end ... it takes a lot out of her.  is your muse an extrovert? an introvert? neither? : asuna’s more an extrovert than an introvert ! however, she does have her days where social interaction exhausts her. she normally thrives in social settings though, & loves talking with & meeting new people.  what is your muses worst fear? : aside from remembering her ex, asuna’s also equally afraid of people not accepting her due to her sexuality. her parents were the reason for this insecurity / fear, being that they didn’t like that their daughter was only interested in & wants to be with girls. she’s very open about her sexuality, but internally, she still has this fear -- it’s deep, deep down & surfaces every now & again. it surfaces more often when she finds herself getting close with someone.  is your muse an early riser? a night owl? : definitely a night owl ! she finds there’s something incredibly serene about being awake when the majority of the world’s asleep & dormant. she does wake up early however ; she’s able to function on little sleep ( an average of five / six hours ) how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it? : she’s fairly smart, not overly so, but she’s not lacking in knowledge. she does feign ignorance a lot of the time however, figuring it’s easier to be naive & unknowing because then not only do people expect less from her, but she’s also one step closer to living without troubles, you know ?

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES

what’s their sexual orientation? what about romantic? : she’s homosexual & homoromantic ! are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships? : none at the moment.  how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one, or would they ever? : she doesn’t mind the idea ! but she prefers committed relationships. she craves long-term intimacy & trust & love rather than those of short-term & lust.  sex, is it important to your muse? : not overly important, but she has to be physically attracted to someone if she plans on committing herself to them. again, it isn’t the be all end all, but it plays a decently important part for asuna !  how important is friendship to them? : pretty important ! asuna thrives when surrounded by her friends ! she finds more comfort in her peers than her parents, honestly. she enjoys making friends, too. however, she doesn’t have many close friends -- she’s a bit afraid of becoming overly close with others after what happened with her best friend when they’d entered high school ; she’d come out to her friend & admitted her crush only to have her friend label her as weird & later ignore / shun her.  how important is family? : not very important. she likes to sometimes think that her parents mean well, but she knows they don’t & she’s sure she can live without their judgement & cruel words. she has plans to move back to cali when she’s done with school -- she hasn’t told her family, & doesn’t plan on telling them.  what are their biggest turn on and turn offs? : turn ONS ↳ neck kisses, sweet sentiments, a strong emotional connection, soft touches, praise ! & when people play with her hair. turn OFFS ↳ untrue / hollow sentiments, being called names like ‘ slut, whore, bitch, ’ etc. & drunk sex ( it reminds her of her ex ). does your muse find it easy to make friends? : yes ! she’s very open & friendly & smiles brightly at people who approach her ( for the most part ... unless they’ve given her a reason to be upset ! ) she just doesn’t get overly close with people ; she’ll remain guarded while still becoming friends with people.  are they close to their family? why or why not ? : no. her parents don’t accept her sexuality nor the way she acts -- they don’t like most of what she does, from her tattoos & the way she dresses, to her attitude regarding certain aspects of life, like school or future careers. she doesn’t live with them anymore, so she doesn’t contact them often -- only when it’s a holiday, really. she sees them every now & again ; plays nice because they’re paying for her schooling, but it’s slowly ruining her. 

HEADCANONS

she’s v soft at times but also she’ll kick ur ass if u cross her ?? she also loves 2 play sports n go hiking !

she has a lot of tattoos n her parents loathe all of them. she started getting them when she’d gotten into her first relationship ! her ex-gf’s best friend was training 2 be a tattoo artist so asuna offered her skin 4 them 2 practice on !! when her parents found out n saw the tattoos they threatened to kick her out,, but like,, she’s a free spirit n kind of just told her parents “ ok kick me out, i’ll still get tattoos either way ” -- basically, she’s ruthless af.

she doesn’t talk abt her past much bc she doesn’t want 2 remember,, she also still drinks a lot n smokes some dank weed, but she always makes sure 2 hide her car keys beforehand bc she doesn’t want a repeat of the past whatsoever.

she’s super sarcastic but also giggles like 24/7 so no one takes her sarcasm srsly !

she loves sunflowers n if someone made her a flower crown she’d probably cry.

her aesthetic is basically this.

you’ll find this & this & this & this on her playlist 4 sure~ n this bop.

[slowlyrisingabove]

Written in the past, about my future; how I will cope

Round 2…hundred, a restart of who I want to. Ive made it through yet again another Winter, not with out darkness but definitely with more light. I’m learning how to manage through this cyclothymic personality of mine. When we step back and disappear from distraction we start to realize more time exists to make yourself become who you want to be. I’ve realized an “ordinary” lifestyle puts me into lows. but a consistent hectic lifestyle puts me at to much of a high that I crave that ordinary lifestyle, for it brings a sense of calmness.

I’ve struggled since high school with figuring out what I want to be. All I wanted back then was money, a lot of it. I decided to apply to schools as a business major thinking this would be the way to make all that money I dreamed of. but after 1 month into my classes, I absolutely hated it and was searching for a new major within my school. I switched one term in. I went to a more creative field because the right side of my brain definitely has its shit more together than my left. Right away I felt more comfortable, in my classes, around my professors, and amongst my classmates and others within my college building. School was hard though, it always has been. I went from having an IEP and taking tests in testing room and having a full period dedicated to learning help, to going to a University that was a quarter system schedule and had expectations that high school honors and AP classes had. I struggled to keep up with the pace and I may not have finished with the best project but I was purely proud of myself for turning assignments in on time… well, most of the time. When I finally made it half way, to my 6 month internship "break", I left the east coast life and had an opportunity offered to me that fell into place perfectly, after an intense attempt to move west. While living in California, I learned how to truly be alone and enjoy my own company. Having been a social butterfly since kindergarten, I never really wanted to be alone. I cried a lot, due to the loneliness, but I never let it stop me from exploring my new surroundings and in exploring I felt connected, like new land was new friends. Unfortunately the saying is true, eventually all great things come to an end. 18 days after returning to CA I sat on the phone with the most heart wrenching emotional pain I felt, at that point, probably ever. My mother told me I would be getting on a flight the next morning with my friend, who had visited for the weekend, to head back home. I had a funeral to plan and a puzzle to piece together, my father passed. Laying on the cold tiled floor in a long stay hotel bathroom, he was found. My relationship with him was intense. He unknowably made me grow up quicker than a child should have to, for I was the parent and he was the child. He loved me, so much but although narcissistic, he did not love himself, making it impossible for him to truly act the way someone who loves someone would. He left with world with more secrets than belongings. Being the only thing he had, at 20 years old I was in charge of all the next steps. Luckily I have 2 amazing moms helped guide me through the process. I returned to my internship, where I would just start crying at my desk at random times and eventually headed back to school. I fell into one of the most intense depression episodes I have ever had and it lingered for years. I never experienced a lack of desire to leave my bed, a fear of the world, and a consistent feeling of not being good enough to survive. I was in one of my ultimate lows. I started smoking marijuana to numb out the pain and it worked… although key word, numbing. I wasn’t actually feeling better, I was just able to be “normal”. I was able to get out of bed, smoke, go to glass, come home, smoke, do homework, smoke, walk my dog and just do the things I knew i HAD to do. Eventually I moved back home and computed the last year because I felt I needed to be surrounded by family in order to get better. I no longer felt excitement over my major and I lacked interest in everything that had to do with it. but how on earth am I going to pay these stupid school loans without pursuing what I had just spent to much money on learning? I didn’t know. All I knew once I graduated was that I needed a break. So thats what I did. I turned my part time job into a full time job at Whole Foods, and I was a grad working at a grocery store… It doesn’t sound great, but I had no worries there. I felt comfortable somewhere for the first time in a long time. Money became less of an interest, and living each day to the fullest and finding beauty in the places around me became an obsession. All my father wanted, was to see and live along beautiful beaches and all I wanted was to travel. Knowing someone so close who died under the age of 55 puts life into perspective, reminding me that I could have only 1, 5, or 10 years left. I went from one extreme of fully living in the future, to living in the present so much that I didn’t ever think about my future. And thats nice… until time passes and you haven’t made or accomplished any larger than daily goals in over a year. When I look back, having my best friend invite me to her homeland, Colombia, was probably the best thing someone could give me in that time. I worked 2 jobs 60 hours a week so that I could pay my loans and go on this trip all while still surviving day to day life. I became a workaholic, my new form of marijuana. Work was mind numbing, all repeated action and social interaction, which has always come natural to me. I went away, going to my first 3rd world country and experiencing it with people who lived there. Here, I realized how important quality family time is, how much happiness it can bring and how much love comes from it. In experiencing that, it has brought a fear of leaving my family to move across the county, and in the time I redeveloped the courage to do so, flight ticket and all, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through chemo and I had to watch my rock soften up to help. She lost her hair and was in pain. I was a helpless bystander to her sickness but knew staying meant helping take care of her needs and the families. So, my one way ticket turned into a round trip vacation and soon I was faced with yet again another winter. Come late september I felt the shift in my mood/personality. I feared this shift but knew i had to let it happen. All I could do was help myself through the process, but I knew I couldn’t stop it. I’m can be pretty stubborn and in this case, that means not wanting to take any man made medicine to help with my personality disorder. So I had to find other way to cope because my stubbornness was also persistent in not letting this cycle take everything I had gained since the start of spring. I started cleaning out my room, giving or selling items that no longer served a purpose in my life. I made some space and bought a canvas. Painting had once been something I felt connected to so I felt I needed to go back to it. The canvas and I stared at each other for quite some time. In the morning I would get ready for work and look at it, as if i were standing in front of a full length mirror brushing my teeth. I lived my ordinary life but started coming home to an outlet. My creativity was coming out again in what seemed like the longest break. I would mess up and just move on from it, because paint is like a band aid, if can cover up the ugliest of wounds and help heal them. Whether others thought I was good or not, it did not matter. after spending months with this one canvas I felt I had completed it, for the 5th time. In completing the canvas, I had completed winter. I found discovery in what gets me through the lows. it wasn’t painting persey, it was quality time with a quality action. See, painting wasn’t my healer, it was my savior. It was my tool to the healing of myself. I am my healer. I will continue to break and I will continue to heal. This life makes it seem like you grow up and things start to come together but that is the biggest lie we are told. We continue to break, and we continue to get better at repairing our cracks, so good that eventually we break a little bit less.

[razzledazzlefoshazzle]

1-200?

200:

My crush’s name is: Cassie

199:

I was born in: 1998, Australia, NSW

198:

I am really: I am really annoyed that you wanna know so much about me anon y u do dis

197:

My cellphone company is: Optus

196:

My eye color is: Brown

195:

My shoe size is: 11 Australia Mens

194:

My ring size is: i dont know

193:

My height is: 181cm or 5′10″ i tihnk

192:

I am allergic to: NOTHING I AM UNSTOPPABLE

191:

My 1st car was: No Car

190:

My 1st job was: I was an assistant at some guys authentic pizza shop. He was an asshole and i shouldve killed him before quitting.

189:

Last book you read: Ready Player One

188:

My bed is: My bed is my one true love and warm machine luv u bb

187:

My pet:  I have 2 dogs they’re fluffy love muffins called Pepsi (boy) Bella (Girl) ill post photos of them later!

186:

My best friend:

@schotts-fired

at this point i have as many memes with Kat as i do my real life best friend.

185:

My favorite shampoo is: Really nice smelling ones.

184:

Xbox or ps3: PS3

183:

Piggy banks are: Piggy banks are dumb i have a golden pineapple for my spare change.

182:

In my pockets:  earphones.

181:

On my calendar: every friday i do stuff but thats it

180:

Marriage is: cool

179:

Spongebob can: produce good memes

178:

My mom: Isnt nice i probably wont talk to her once i move out.

177:

The last three songs I bought were?Buying? Songs?

176:

Last YouTube video watched: Masculinity by Mr Sark

175:

How many cousins do you have? at least 3

174:

Do you have any siblings? 3 Brothers and a Sister ive seen twice

173:

Are your parents divorced? Yes

172:

Are you taller than your mom? Hell yeah shes a goblin at like 150cm.

171:

Do you play an instrument? No

170:

What did you do yesterday? I slept, watched movies, complained about the internet being down.

[ I Believe In ]

169:

Love at first sight: Not unless its a dog

168:

Luck: No but if someone does something better than me they’re lucky >:(

167:

Fate: No

166:

Yourself: No

165:

Aliens: I wish they would fix everything

164:

Heaven: Questioning my religious beliefs lately

163:

Hell: ^

162:

God: ^

161:

Horoscopes: No but they’re funny to read

160:

Soul mates: No.

159:

Ghosts: NOT BUT LIKE ALIENS I WANT THEM TO BE REAL GHOSTS PLEASE BE REAL.

158:

Gay Marriage: Yah its about as good as straight marriage

157:

War: its about as shit as i am

156:

Orbs: what are these?

155:

Magic: Refer to both ghosts and aliens.

[ This or That ]

154:

Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153:

Drunk or High: Drunk

152:

Phone or Online: Online

151:

Red heads or Black haired: Red Heads

150:

Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149:

Hot or cold: Cold

148:

Summer or winter: Winter

147:

Autumn or Spring: Spring

146:

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

145:

Night or Day: Night

144:

Oranges or Apples: Apples

143:

Curly or Straight hair: Straight

142:

McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds

141:

White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate

140:

Mac or PC: PC

139:

Flip flops or high heals: High heals like healing in video games am i right?

138:

Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor

137:

Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136:

Hillary or Obama: Obama

135:

Burried or cremated: Burried so i may rise again!

134:

Singing or Dancing: Dancing

133:

Coach or Chanel: What

132:

Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:Who

131:

Small town or Big city: Big City

130:

Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129:

Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler

128:

Manicure or Pedicure: neither? 

127:

East Coast or West Coast: East coast cause western australia is a bunch of weirdos

126:

Your Birthday or Christmas: My birthday cause giving gifts is hard and spending time with people is easy.

125:

Chocolate or Flowers:Chocolate

124:

Disney or Six Flags: Disney

123:

Yankees or Red Sox: is that sports?

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122:

War: War Never Changes

121:

George Bush: He definitely did sleep with that woman.

120:

Gay Marriage: Good again!

119:

The presidential election: Trump is a rollercoaster of emotion ranging from bad to worse. At least the memes are good!

118:

Abortion: Choice

117:

MySpace: Had some pretty good games on it

116:

Reality TV: awful

115:

Parents:  My parents? Out of the 4 ive had i like one of them.

114:

Back stabbers: What kind of question is this i hate them.

113:

Ebay: Dont use ebay really.

112:

Facebook: The thing i use so real life friends can contact me its trash.

111:

Work: My experiences have been, less than pleasant.

110:

My Neighbors: I dont know any of my neighbours but they’re rude and dont reply to my hello’s.

109:

Gas Prices: i dont fucking know

108:

Designer Clothes: I dont care for clothes i wear tshirts and trackies all the time.

107:

College: No opinion on call egg.

106:

Sports: Fun to play boring to watch

105:

My family: i like my dad and my brothers

104:

The future: must be better than now?

[ Last time I ]

103:

Hugged someone: someone i wasnt related to like a month ago

102:

Last time you ate: literally always

101:

Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last friday

100:

Cried in front of someone: fucking years ago i dont cry in front of people anymore

99:

Went to a movie theater: like a month ago

98:

Took a vacation: never

97:

Swam in a pool: 3 months ago

96:

Changed a diaper: never

95:

Got my nails done: a year ago

94:

Went to a wedding: also a year ago

93:

Broke a bone: never

92:

Got a peircing: never

91:

Broke the law: never

90:

Texted: couple hours ago

[ MISC ]

89:

Who makes you laugh the most: myself, anime

@schotts-fired

88:

Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the internet

87:

The last movie I saw: Taking of Pelham 123

86:

The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Finding my happiness again

85:

The thing im not looking forward to: my ex making social interactions awkward again

84:

People call me: Jack

83:

The most difficult thing to do is: get out of bed, finish breakfast

82:

I have gotten a speeding ticket: no

81:

My zodiac sign is: Sagittarius 

80:

The first person i talked to today was:

@whoneedsasociallife

79:

First time you had a crush: Primary School one of my Teachers

78:

The one person who i can’t hide things from: Nobody.

77:

Last time someone said something you were thinking: Constantly

76:

Right now I am talking to: Nobody

75:

What are you going to do when you grow up: Anything hopefully ill be happy

74:

I have/will get a job: Someday

73:

Tomorrow: Movies with dad, night with friends

72:

Today: nothing

71:

Next Summer: nothing

70:

Next Weekend: also nothing

69:

I have these pets: 2 diggity doggos

68:

The worst sound in the world: the sound my computer makes when it bluescreens while music it playing

67:

The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex

66:

People that make you happy: almost nobody

65:

Last time I cried: like 5 hours ago

64:

My friends are: trash shit garbage

63:

My computer is: absolute trash after so many issues im planning on getting a new one

62:

My School: sucked complete ass i was abused by a teacher

61:

My Car: doesnt exist

60:

I lose all respect for people who: no answer

59:

The movie I cried at was: anything that involves any form of friendship and love, or dogs dying

58:

Your hair color is: brown

57:

TV shows you watch: read my about

56:

Favorite web site: tumblr/youtube

55:

Your dream vacation: the fucking moon

54:

The worst pain I was ever in was: I had a cough last year that completely killed my voice and tore up my throat, coughed up blood

53:

How do you like your steak cooked: Well Done

52:

My room is: Clean and tidy af

51:

My favorite celebrity is: none

50:

Where would you like to be: in the future

49:

Do you want children: no

48:

Ever been in love: yes it fucking ruined me

47:

Who’s your best friend:

@schotts-fired

we already have more memes than my irl best friend

46:

More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends

45:

One thing that makes you feel great is: memes

44:

One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody tbh

43:

Do you have a 5 year plan: nope

42:

Have you made a list of things to do before you die: climb Mt. Everest, thats it

41:

Have you pre-named your children: nope

40:

Last person I got mad at: myself

39:

I would like to move to: a place with good internet

38:

I wish I was a professional: Twitch Streamer

[ My Favorites ]

37:

Candy: Red Licorice

36:

Vehicle: Shopping trolleys i guess

35:

President: Obama

34:

State visited: I dont travel

33:

Cellphone provider: Optus

32:

Athlete: None

31:

Actor: None

30:

Actress: None

29:

Singer: None

28:

Band: None

27:

Clothing store: None

26:

Grocery store:None

25:

TV show: Doctor Who

24:

Movie: Cant remember

23:

Website: Tumblr/Youtube

22:

Animal: Dogs

21:

Theme park: Wet n’ Wild

20:

Holiday: New Years

19:

Sport to watch: None

18:

Sport to play: None

17:

Magazine: None

16:

Book: Ready Player One

15:

Day of the week: Friday

14:

Beach: Nobbys Beach 

13:

Concert attended: None

12:

Thing to cook: Potato Bake

11:

Food: Pork Ribs

10:

Restaurant: Any place that sells pork ribs

9:

Radio station: None.

8:

Yankee candle scent: what

7:

Perfume: no

6:

Flower: any that can go in my hair like a hipster

5:

Color: Purple

4:

Talk show host: John Oliver

3:

Comedian: Louis C.K.

2:

Dog breed: Shiba Inu

1:

Did you answer all these truthfully? maybe i dont know myself

Fuck you anon you cant stop me im dedicated as heck and butts fight me.

:Update: I went and updated these cause my internet came back!

[scriptshrink]

Writing a Therapist: General Guidelines

There are dozens of different approaches therapists can use to treat clients, and each therapist applies them in their own way. But there are certain things that ALL good therapists you write should do.

A warning - this article is Americentric. I am not sure how these things work in other countries. The laws about these things also vary even by states WITHIN the US. I recommend looking up the laws in the area you’re setting your story in. 

Some of these guidelines are adapted from earlier posts I’ve made and questions I’ve been asked, and have been collected here for easy reference.

Education / Training

In the US, to be a therapist, you have to have gotten an undergraduate bachelor’s degree. If the degree is in Psychology or Social Work, that really helps, but it’s not required to get into graduate school, which is the next step.

A therapist character has two options from here: get their Master’s degree, or go directly for their doctorate.

A Master’s is where the character gets the training to become a licensed therapist.  Typically these programs are 2-3 years, and are often specialized: family therapy, school psych, etch.

During these Master’s programs (usually your second year), your character would have started working with clients under the supervision of another therapist.

By supervised, I don’t mean “supervisor literally sits in every single therapy session.”  It’s more like your therapist would be reporting to a senior psychologist about their cases, consulting with them and following their advice. The therapist character would have to complete several hundred hours of supervised therapy.

After that, the therapist character could sit for an exam in order to get their license.  This exam is super serious business, and can take months to prepare for.

Different states have different rules; I recommend you look up the state you’re setting your story in for more information.

Now.  The other option is if you’d like your character to get their doctorate, and be a full licensed psychologist. These come with a fancy PhD. or PsyD. after the character’s name, and they get to be called “Doctor”. Typically a PhD is more research-based, and a PsyD more clinical-based. Some doctorate programs have you earn your master’s while you’re getting your doctorate.

These programs take longer (between 4 and 6 years, typically), the character needs to write a dissertation, and they need to spend a full year doing a full-time internship in addition to the supervised therapy.

They also need to get licensed (see above).

ETHICS

Confidentiality

This is a big, important thing to consider when writing any therapist. What happens in therapy sessions is almost always confidential - the therapist is bound by ethical code (and even by law) not to reveal what you say, or even that you’re in therapy.

This confidentiality has some exceptions, however.

If the therapist believes the client character is actively suicidal or homicidal, the therapist character has a duty to ensure the safety of both their clients and their intended target. This is typically done through involuntary hospitalization and/or notification of law enforcement authorities. The ability of therapists to break confidentiality in this manner and the legal protection they have for doing so varies by the state.

If the therapist believes that a child is being abused or neglected, they are obligated to report it. (I’ll be covering why this is a very sticky issue in a future post).

If the therapist believes that an elderly or disabled person is being abused or neglected, they must report it.

If the client character is under the age of 18, the character’s parent or guardian may be informed about the therapy that goes on.

The therapist may be court-ordered to hand over their records. This is rare, but it happens.

Therapists may on occasion need to discuss a client’s case or consult with their supervisors or a specialist. This isn’t like ‘water cooler talk’ or gossiping about clients - this is the therapist saying “I need help figuring out how I can best help my client.”

The client character has given their explicit, signed consent for the therapist to pass on information to another person (such as to an insurance company).

Part of the first session with any client would be discussing the limits of confidentiality.

Suicidal thoughts (or in fancy therapy terms, suicidal ideation) do not necessitate hospitalization in and of themselves. Once a character has brought it up in therapy, the therapist will ask a lot more questions to gauge if the character is at imminent risk of committing suicide. Most importantly, the therapist would want to find out if the character has a plan for killing themselves. If they do, do they have the means to do it?

If the answer to both of those things is yes, it is very likely that your character could be hospitalized involuntarily.  

If the therapist character is seriously concerned, but feels like they do not have the grounds to involuntarily hold the client, they would likely suggest that the client voluntarily check themselves in to a hospital to get extra support. The therapist would likely try to come up with a safety contract with him, and make sure their social support system is able to help when they need it most. 

Dual Relationships

Dual relationships, also known as “multiple relationships”, basically mean that in addition to a therapist-client relationship, the two characters have an additional kind of relationship that’s not related to the process of therapy.

For example:

A therapist invests money into a client’s startup company

The therapist meets up with and hangs out with the client with no therapeutic purpose

A therapist is romantically involved with someone who is NOT the client, but close to the client (e.g., a client’s brother, mother, etc.)

The therapist is also a professor, and the client is one of their students

These are bad because it erodes the professionalism of the therapist’s relationship with their client. There’s an imbalance of power that can easily turn into exploitation. The therapist character know the client’s secrets, and they don’t know the therapist’s.

The process of therapy isn’t about the two characters being friends. No matter how much the therapist enjoy working with a client, they’re not friends. Hell, if I ever even encounter a client outside of therapy, just the act of acknowledging that I know them could be a breach of confidentiality.

Anyways, there is some disagreement about what kinds of dual relationships are inappropriate.  

Dual relationships are much more of an issue when a therapist is in a very rural environment - if they’re the only therapist in a town of only 100 people, they’re inevitably going to be in some kind of dual relationship. The key is not to let therapeutic relationship be dominated by it, and never enter into a dual relationship where they exploit the client.

Here are a few examples of dual relationship things that in my mind are not necessarily unethical, but a therapist should tread fucking carefully in:

The client invites their therapist to be at their college graduation

The therapist and client go to the same church, but don’t interact with each other during it

However, there is one universally agreed-upon dual relationship that is not just completely inappropriate, but will get the therapist’s license revoked and can even get them thrown in jail in some places.

Therapists should never, under any circumstances, sleep with their clients.

This is so bad. Please don’t write it unless you include the consequences of doing so. It is an incredible violation of boundaries and ethics, and gives therapists a bad name.

FAQ

Do therapists have a strict “no touch” policy? Or can they sit next to, hold hands with, or hug a crying patient who needs it?

This depends on the therapist. Some are okay with it, some are not. It also depends on the approach that the therapist uses: a person-centered therapist is likely to be okay with this, but a psychoanalytic therapist would probably never do it.

Also, institutions (like hospital psych wards) have requirements the therapist must adhere to, regardless of their personal feelings on it.

Do therapists ever make home visits?

Yes. This typically happens with clients with agoraphobia, when behavioral interventions are being made, or when the therapist would like to observe the client’s routines. For example, it’s pretty common for a therapist to be there and help intervene when a client with OCD is struggling with their compulsive routines and need help in the moment.

Do therapists ever meet with clients outside the office?

See above. If a client is doing exposure therapy, then a therapy session could also be held as a sort of ‘field trip’ - the session would take place out of the office and somewhere that has the conditions the client wants to learn to deal with. This could also be a way for a therapist to support a client through a difficult event (such as testifying in court) - but again, this would be part of a session, and the therapist would be paid for it.

Do therapists ever meet with clients outside of work?

Unless it’s part of an exposure therapy situation (ie, being there to support someone in a real world situation as a part of therapy), that’s a bit of a no-no. See the section above on dual relationships.   

How long is a session?

It depends on the therapist and the setting. Usually, it’s around 45-50 minutes. It may run longer if the client is in crisis, but doing so can mean taking time away or delaying the sessions of other clients the therapist is seeing that day. Therapists usually spend the ten to fifteen minutes after a session to write up notes, do some paperwork, and prepare for the next session.

Disclaimer // Support Scriptshrink on patreon!

[satorisa]

Lift the Veil - Chapter 3

Lift the Veil - Chapter 3: What is a Youth?

Rating: T

Summary: After living in Tokyo for the past six years, she decides to head back to Azumano to escape the big city. However, she now has to face everything that she tried to flee from all those years ago. How exactly will she fare when the pages of a long forgotten book start turning once more?

Read On: FanFiction.Net, Archive of Our Own

Warning: Risa curses twice and this is, somehow, still a SatoRisa fic. Because I need to constantly remind myself that it is. 

What Is a Youth?

A rose will bloom. It then will fade…so does a youth.

I found myself sitting on a bench under the cherry blossoms, wholly disconnected from the hubbub surrounding me. With my diploma resting on my lap, I watched my peers say their farewells at this branching point towards our own futures.

Later that day, I had a one-way train ticket to Tokyo without the comforting presence of family and friends. I already had my living arrangement and furnishing set up in advance, so all I had to bring were suitcases stuffed with clothes and other miscellaneous necessities.

Behind a crowd of crying girls, I spotted the Niwa family laughing and chatting with my parents as they watched Riku and Daisuke interact in their little microcosm. Hiwatari stood in the midst of the elderly fray, with his light-blue hair standing out amongst the peppered-blacks and varying shades of red and brown, looking upon the blushing duo with that serious expression of his. He then stared through me—not at me, through me—before returning to the scene in front of him.

If the last month didn’t unravel as horribly as it did, I would’ve been with the group, most likely standing next Hiwatari and still living in blissful denial. But reality ruined that ignorance, leaving me in that same, pathetic state I was after Dark disappeared four years ago.

Knowing that my parents and their company would stay under the cherry blossoms a little longer before heading out to eat somewhere, I left, disgusted with the happiness that unfolded before me. Once home, I turned off my phone and grabbed my luggage before marching towards the train station, finally escaping this stifling town.

I walked into the police station the next morning, greeted by Hiwatari and Saehara chatting about…society’s odd fascination with romance, and the difficult quest to find our soulmates and other halves? Seeing me enter, Saehara shot up a hand in greeting. Hiwatari, on the other hand, grabbed his coffee and slightly bowed to me before disappearing into his office 

“What’s in the tote?” Saehara asked, eyeing the bag hanging off the crook of my arm.

“Patience, my young grasshopper.”

He frowned, leaving his spot to roam around the station. I grabbed a protein shake out of my bag, sipping on it as I read through the stories for today’s broadcasts.

The morning went by quickly, characterized by Saehara’s coming and going with food, drinks, or his trusty steno pad. Sometimes, Hiwatari would emerge from his burrow, passing by with his trademark expression before slinking back to his office looking slightly fatigued and irritated. The lengthy social interactions he had with his force probably bogged him down. Pair that with Saehara’s constant pestering, and the Commissioner, who needed alone time to recover his energy just as much as he needed caffeine to ward off his chronic migraines, had more than enough stress piling on his already overflowing plate.

After spending so many hours studying with Hiwatari as he worked on his case reports, I became acquainted with his habits fairly quickly.

When lunch came around, and Saehara returned with a renewed interest in my tote bag, I pulled out a bento and handed it to him. “In thanks for yesterday,” I said, opening the lid to my own.

“Harada-imouto, I don’t want to die prematurely.”

“You wound me, Saehara. I’ve become a pretty good cook after living alone for a couple of years.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” He took a bite, slowly nodding his head. “Not as delicious as my honey’s, but it’s better that anything you could’ve ever attempted in high school.”

“Thanks for the biased compliment,” I muttered, eliciting a laugh from him.

We talked about Akane, saying that I had to try her food at least once in my life. He called her up right there, luckily during her lunch break, and he promised me a homemade bento courtesy of his lovely honey tomorrow. Once Saehara finished his bento, he jumped up from the sofa and rushed over to Hiwatari’s office to squeeze whatever stories he could.    

I returned to my laptop, passing the afternoon by skimming through stories and snacking. Eventually, Saehara left for the day and I, deciding not to risk having another encounter with Hiwatari, packed up and followed suit.

The cool evening, accompanied by a light breeze, was a nice change from the stuffy, air-conditioned inside of the police station. The setting sun dyed everything around me a subtle orange, and the tension I had unconsciously bottled up slowly dissipated with each passing step.

When I reached the news station, I expected the pre-broadcast rush that stressed me out so much back at NHK. However, the station still held the lazy atmosphere from yesterday morning even with the encroaching deadline.

I settled into my cubicle, half-focused on my work and half-listening to my coworkers whispering about me. Some of them wondered why someone as accomplished as me would work in some uneventful small town on Hokkaido’s northern shores. Others wondered if a pretty lady like me really was as “accomplished” as I claimed to be or why I exerted so much effort into such menial work.

Back in Tokyo, it took me a while to overcome by shock at how shamelessly ruthless people could be in front of the people they were gossiping about. After leaving my sheltered life in Azumano, reality slapped me until I could no longer feel my face and, as a result, I had to whip myself into shape just to cope with the cruelty of the competitive, working world.

Once I finished, stretching my legs and arms after another productive day, Riku texted me saying that we had company over for dinner. I wished she told me who exactly they were so I could present myself accordingly, but I decided not to ruin the evening-after-work and bought a small cake from a bakery on the way home. If no one dug into it, I would just have more to enjoy whenever I had a sleepless night or wanted to gorge on sweets to brighten up my day.

After work shaped my life into a relatively monotonous routine, I finally came to appreciate the small things here and there.

When I got home, I headed towards the kitchen, seeing Daisuke talking to Riku with flutes of white wine in their hands. Next to them, unfortunately, stood Hiwatari, current bane of my existence, shuffling around with his hands in his pockets.

The appetite I worked up on the way home, especially after forcing myself to refrain from buying some freshly-baked bread, disappeared, and I could feel the fatigue from the long workday settle in too quickly for my tastes. All I had to do was place the cake in fridge. After that, I could excuse myself by saying that I wasn’t feeling well, avoiding the added stress from interacting with Hiwatari and getting some well-deserved rest.

“Hey, Risa,” Daisuke greeted. “How was work?”

“Tiring,” I briefly replied, leaving the bag of empty bento boxes next to the sink before putting the cake in the fridge. “What about you? How’s work at the museum?”

“Interesting.” He laughed. “It reminds me of the good old days.”

“Ready for dinner?” Riku asked.

“Not really,” I told her. “I’m not feeling well, so I was planning on getting some rest. I’ll probably eat later.”

“And miss the lovely meal I prepared for you with wine? And your dessert with tea?”

“At least eat a little to put something in your stomach,” Hiwatari advised with his lips pursed in concern.

“I’m fine,” I grumbled harshly, leaving the trio in the kitchen.

Slamming my bedroom door closed, I collapsed on my bed, blankly staring at the photos plastered on my way, illuminated by the slivers of streetlight filtering through the lights.

Damn bastard.

I spent the past couple of hours in the dark, browsing available apartments near work. They were relatively cheap and not too far from both the news and police stations, but their layouts were boring, and I could care less about the view of rectangular, concrete buildings. I wanted a nice place, maybe close to that café, with a wonderful view of the ocean and the sunlight constantly filtering in throughout the day. It’d be worth the commute to work, but the price…

I heard a knock on my door and before I could even react, it swung open. My body tensed up, afraid that Hiwatari would come in, but the lights turned on, and Riku stood at the doorway holding a tray of food.

“You’re going to go blind doing that,” she scolded.

I shrugged. “Didn’t stop me throughout college.”

She placed the tray in front of me, playfully shoving me before sitting down on my bed. “What were you doing?”

“Looking for apartments to move into ASAP.”

Riku gasped. “I didn’t realize you hated me that much!”

I laughed before eating a forkful of her lemon-buttered fish complemented with a squash medley. Basking in my sister’s cooking, I downed the bite with some white wine, feeling my energy slowly coming back to me.

“I don’t know. I guess I feel out of place living here.”

“How could you?”

I shook my head. “You wouldn’t understand since you spent college with Daisuke practically by your side. And Hiwatari-san, Mom, and Dad were less than an hour away.”

Riku raised an eyebrow, slowly leaning towards me with a mischievous smile. Shit, what’s she going to ask me about?

“Hiwatari-san? What happened to those nicknames you guys called each other? What were they again…oh yeah! S—”

“Don’t you dare!” I interrupted, lightly slapping her shoulder for bringing that up. She grinned. “But you’ve just make my point: things have changed since I left.”

“Of course they have! Did you think everything would be the same when you’ve been gone for six years?”

“Of course not! I’m not that dumb.” I pouted from Riku’s lack of faith in me, but she just laughed. I waited for the jovial mood to die down before continuing, staring at my hands that lightly grasped the silverware. “But I can’t stay in this house, in this room: it’s dysphoric. It feels like I’ve come back to that life I shed when I headed off to college, picking up exactly where I left off. God, Riku, it’s sickening.”

I finished my food in silence, not bothering to stare at Riku. I didn’t want to see the pity on her face or the pain from trying to understand a sister that had literally dropped off the face of her world six years ago without even a simple goodbye. The photos in my room haunted me with happy memories that only worsened my return; it was a stark reminder of what I no longer had.

“Is this why you left for Tokyo as soon as you could?” she asked, with an uncanny shakiness in her tone. “So that you could run away from that life?

“Sure. We can go with that.”

“Risa, what exactly happened during that last month of school? You— ”

“Please, let’s keep the past in the past, okay?”

It was hypocritical for me to say that considering the past still had me in its vice grip to this day, but I couldn’t bear to talk to Riku about it. I looked at her, remembering that this was the exact same expression she had when she found me in the shower, curled up in fetal position while trying to wail the pain away. If she kept that on her face for any longer, I knew I would’ve started crying. Riku looked like she was on the verge of tears too and, somehow pulling through for both of us, shot me a smile before rubbing my arm in comfort.

“Well, whenever you want to tackle that past, remember that you don’t have to do it alone, okay? We’re all here for you.” She hugged me before leaving my room with my empty tray.

Feeling a tug at my heart, I knew that she was crying downstairs. Just the image of her, with tears silently running down her face while washing the dishes, hurt so much. Despite the six years away from Azumano, I found solace in knowing that not much has changed between me and Riku, but that familiarity was too weak to keep me sane in this mansion.

Trying to get my mind off that and keep the creeping sadness at bay, I returned to my phone, browsing to find what would be my new home.

2 AM.

I had work in a couple of hours, yet I found myself wide awake. I even tried reading some tanka, trying to calm my mind with the succinct poems filled with descriptions of nature that lent to their usually romantic tone but even that didn’t work.

Leaving my room, I headed to the kitchen in hopes of leftover cake in the fridge. Not that I should be snacking this late/early, but maybe the cold dessert could lull me into lethargy.

Back in high school, while I struggled to study for tests or entrance exams through the dead hours of night, I always found myself on the kitchen floor, snacking while I stayed on the phone. I would weave in and out of periods of conversational chatter and silence accompanied by the background noise of my study music playlist of instrumental music that somehow helped me stay awake instead of putting me to sleep.

Sometimes, Riku would find me in the morning, cradling my phone in the middle of a mess of snacks and paper. Other times, usually on weekends, my parents would find me at the dining table, pulling an all-nighter after spending so much time chatting with the person on the other end of the line. They thought I was crazy; looking back on it now, I regretted the amount of sleep I sacrificed for something so pointless, but I was a stupid teenager who didn’t know any better.

Six years later, I still think that I really didn’t know any better coming back here.

Opening the fridge, I saw a slice of cake cradled in its bubble of saran wrap and settled onto the dining table ready to dig in. After one spoonful, I was convinced that this was a worthwhile decision.

For a second, I imagined it: eating my cake at 2 AM with three other conspirers, sneaking out of our respective rooms to chat the night away. My parents let Hiwatari and Daisuke sleep here, but rules were rules, and after lights out, the boys and girls were to retreat into their own rooms. Yet, being young and rebellious, we’d wreck quiet havoc in the wee hours of the night.

Finishing my cake, and knowing that there was no way I would be able to get back to sleep, I cleaned up after myself, sat on the floor, and turned on that same study playlist, daydreaming the night away until the sun peaked over the clouds, greeting me with a good morning.

[t-t-m-r]

heres a video game thing. it is long so begin scrolling

1:   Do you try to stay away from walkthroughs?

i try to stay away from walkthroughs until i give up completely which normally takes about 15 mins

2:   Company you're always loyal to?

i’m not really loyal to any company actually, i suppose i’m loyal to valve? but that could change real fast if they continue not revealing anything about source 2

3:   Best game you've ever played?

aaaaah never have a concrete answer for this but its currently either xenoblade chronicles or portal 2, i’m getting closer to playing witcher 3 and that will probably overtake

4:   Worst game you've ever played?

imagine a walking sim about game development but so unbelievably unforgivably pretentious and whingey and then times it by six and you have about one percent of The Beginner’s Guide, created by Stanley Parable co-creator Davey Wreden. jesus christ. the beginner’s fucking guide pisses me off so much. it’s got some really clever moments, but it also has some of the worst, most ham-handed woe is me writing about a tortured artist indie game dev who clearly hates the concept of video games being a business and video games in general. and then Davey manages to flip the whole thing on HIMSELF and turns it into a big pity party about him. instead of playing this, i’d recommend playing William Pugh (the other co-creator of the Stanley Parable)’s Dr Langeskov, the Tiger and the Terribly Cursed Emerald: A Whirlwind Heist instead. it’s free as opposed to The Beginner’s Guide, has really good and clever writing as opposed to the Beginner’s Guide, and is just in general better than the beginner’s fucking guide fuck fuck this game

also FleetCOMM, but that’s not a finished game anyways

5:   A popular series/game you just can't get into no matter how much you try?

i cannot get into mobas. i dont want to spend twenty hours learning the shit and then spend fifty minutes being told to kill myself

6:   A game that's changed you the most?

bioshock and the entire zero escape series have probably changed my entire life. nier did this recently as well

7:   A game you'll never forget?

THUMPER. it’s ridiculously intense and it has some of the sickest visuals i have seen in a piece of media

8:   Best soundtrack?

Xenoblade Chronicles, Nier, Jet Set Radio Future, virtually any persona game

9:   A game you turn your volume off every time you play it? i can’t actually think of a game i play with a terrible soundtrack, apart from fleetcomm 10:   A game you've completely given up on? i’m never going to finish MGSV as long as i live. i cant into stealth 11:   Hardest game you've played?

THUMPER new game + fuck you

12:   Shortest time you've beaten a game in?

beat portal 2 in under 2 hours once, also did a single segment run of mirror’s edge in around 2-3 hours? can’t remember

13:   A game you were the most excited for when it wasn't released yet?

firewatch never again

14:   A game you think would be cool if it had voice acting?

okami tbh

15:   Which two games do you think would make an awesome crossover?

portal and half life they canonically take place in the same universe comeaaaaaahn

16:   Character you've hated most? From what game?

no strong answer here but tyrann from nier can go get fucked. and the skeletons in minecraft. fuck them. fucking bow and arrow 80% accuracy pieces of shit

17:   What game do you never tell people you play?

huniepop is the deepest, most challenging, most tactically-rich match three game in existence. in the late game it turns into a chess match against the game itself as you are constantly planning your moves many turns in advance

18:   A game you wish your friends knew about?

i wish more of my friends played warframe

19:   Which game do you think deserves a revival?

mother fucking jet set radio

20:   What was the first video game you ever played?

the first good video game that wasn’t a shitty movie game was Crash Bandicoot

21:   How old were you when you first played a video game? like maybe 5? or 6? 22:   If you could immerse yourself in any game for one day, which game would it be? What would you do?

hdoom

23:   Biggest disappointment you've had in gaming?

firewatch i was interested in it from all the moments they hyped up the mystery aspect of it in press conferences and trailers. it had this sense of underlying menace that got me interested. the actual game had some truly amazing, almost cinematic moments of interactivity in the dialogue, and it was unbelievably pretty, but the entire last hour was not good. ”but you’re SUPPOSED to be disappointed! you were just assuming things because you were isolated! everything was fine in the end, there was no mystery! that’s called subverting the player’s expectations! such great writing!” no. great writing is not reintroducing and building sympathy for a character ten minutes before killing them off. and then it just kinda ended with the lowest-effort reveal that tied things up but in the most mundane way possible. henry and delilah were incredible, 3 dimensional characters, but that’s basically it. it felt like they got to the end of the game and were completely out of ideas

24:   Casual, Hardcore, or in the middle?

middle. hardcore people have no life and casual people mostly use facebook as their main social media outlet. both of those things sound awful

25:   Be honest; have you ever used cheats (like ActionReplay or Gameshark)?

no

26:   Handheld or console?

handheld and pc. i have a PS4 now though and since i’m moving away from home i’m gonna spend a lot more time on it

27:   Has there ever been a moment that has made you cry?

the after-credits ending of the Last Guardian

28:   Which character's clothes do you wish you owned the most?

to be fair my dude i have no idea

29:   Which is more important, gameplay or story?

both, fool

30:   A game that hasn't been localized in your country that you think should be localized?

rondo duo 2 i’m kidding actually i have no idea

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

A 2020 Recap

Oh, what a year it’s been. A year full of disappointments, at that. I thought I’d take you on a recap of what 2020 looked like for me. I know some people had it much worse, and I know some had it made. For me, it felt like the bad news was never-ending. This year really became a year that I was able to re-evaluate those who were in my life as well as what I wanted to do with my life. 2020 felt like just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, a platter full of bad news was served back to back just to make sure you knew that it could get worse. 

January I was still working a full time management retail job with odd hours, juggling my kids back and forth to my parents since my kids were not in school yet. In the back of mind, I felt mentally exhausted because I knew this was not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I got up for work everyday, grateful for the opportunity, but dreaded the everyday interaction of thefts, bad associates, and work drama. I began to feel guilty of the time I lost not being able to spend it with my kids or family because although it was only 40 hours of my life given to retail, one day I’d work 8-4:30 and the next 1-9:30. I’d have one weekend off a month and closed every other Saturday. The 40 hours felt like it stretched out to 50-60 hours and my social time was limited even more with the little friends that I had. Lately my anxiety started to creep up more often and lingered around longer than usual. I just couldn’t figure out what was triggering it. I couldn’t sleep well and my nightmares continued. 

February Maybe God knew how I was feeling so he had plans for me. For the second time in a row, I got laid off. I lost my job right before the world shut down due to a global pandemic, and this was even before I knew what was truly coming. I was devastated. I had my kids to take care of, the child support that was ordered from ex was inconsistent and my car payment was over $400, along with some credit card payments, insurance, and phone bill. I remember calling my ex-husband on the way home and crying to him, not even able to get a word out on why I was calling him. He just continued to ask me over and over again what was wrong. He was out of town at the time so I somehow convinced him that I would talk to him later. Right before I got laid off, I had hired his sister so eventually word got out and I’m assuming she told her family that I got laid off. I’m not sure til this day how word spread. I took a moment and did a hard reality check at this point. I could either cry everyday because life seemed to have shut me down in many ways up until this point or I could move on and keep trying because at the end of the day, would could I do to change the fact that it is what it is? I applied for numerous jobs. Everyday I logged onto Indeed and searched. I applied for entry jobs to management positions, to part time, to weekends, and full-time. Anything I could possibly get to somehow received a  little bit of my pride back as a single mother. 

March News started to spread about a new virus called Coronavirus. I didn’t know much about it at the time. All I knew was that it was spreading fast, it came over from another country, and it was high risk. Suddenly, we’re hit with a two week quarantine. Restaurants/bars, gyms, stores, and businesses closed down. The two week quarantine extended for a month. Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, disinfectant spray, and cleaning supplies became an all time high demand. Masks and gloves were highly recommended. I spent all day, everyday stuck in the house. Occasionally going outside with my kids to get some fresh air. My life was “normal” just a month ago, how come I’m ordered to stay home all of a sudden? A lot didn’t make sense at this time. School shut down in fear, hoping to return after spring break. Spring break came and went, and the superintendent made the announcement that school would be closed down and digital learning would take place for the remainder of the year. Parents panicked to find sitters because although majority of places closed down, some jobs were considered essential and they were still expected to go in and work everyday.

April I was still looking for a job. At this point, I had not heard back from any of the 100+ jobs I had applied to. Because of quarantine, all the businesses were closed down so I was basically applying to closed businesses. What a weird time. Although I was in this position, I was thankful of the time I was spent with my kids. I went from spending limited time and hours with the girls to have all the time in the day. I loved it. The one month quarantine extended to two months. Still, at this point, I felt like some people weren’t taking this virus seriously. The cases were updated daily and it continued to rise but it was mainly all in the bigger cities. Those who lived in the smaller cities still went about their days. All the necessities were still low in stock. News came out at this point that Lysol would not be able to come back up from their demand until 2021. I finally made the decision to go back to school. I got my paperwork ready and reapplied. I can probably find jobs that I can work but if it’s not something I’m happy with, I might as well take this time to pursue what I really want to do. I got back in. I got accepted and I was finally able to put my life back on track to finishing my dental hygiene degree.

May We celebrated Mother’s Day and my mom’s birthday. This was the first time since quarantine that my family came together. Yes, we broke social distancing rules, but we’ve all been home for months now and we all needed a little social time. From seeing your family every weekend or every other weekend to once or twice every few months was hard to adjust. My parents felt lonelier than ever. The grandkids weren’t able to see their grandma and grandpa for months. Again, what a strange time. 

June Summer was getting hotter and we were still stuck inside. I took my kids out daily during the evening to let out their energy. I ended up buying them both bikes so they could ride around the neighborhood while I walked. I gained quarantine weight. Not working and eating all day was definitely showing. Searching for work was still a weekly thing. We got a stimulus check and for those who were claiming unemployment got an additional unemployment check to help with bills. This helped me so much during times of uncertainty. 

July My brother and his family along with me and my two kids took a trip to Florida right before July 4th. What a sad summer vacation for the kids it has been to be stuck inside. We couldn’t even take them to go do stuff either because everything was still shut down at this point. We went to West Palm Beach, FL  and it was nice. The weather was perfect. The resort we stayed at limited their occupancy and everyone social distanced. Masks were required in common areas. The pool was refreshing and that’s where we spent most of our days. I remember when I was younger, I could stay outside all day and would get so dark. Now, all I want to do is just stay in the shade. So the kids got tanned, and I got sunburnt. Lol. At the end of the month, I took another trip with Cisco to Hot Springs, NC. It was still hot, but the views were nice and it was perfect to get away and just be one with nature. We hiked all day for a day and then went to visit Asheville. This is the most steps I’ve taken all year and my body was so sore.

August Finally, the month for school to start finally came around. I loved my kids, but I also was ready for them to finally start school. Hayden got selected to attend the public school’s pre-kindergarten lottery system and I was putting Emma into daycare so that I could also focus on my studies. All summer we were getting notified by the governor that quarantine would be extended. Fear settled in and they also pushed back the first day of school for our kids by 2 weeks. Hayden finally started school mid-August and she loved it. She quickly made friends and Emma adjusted to daycare so easily. This was when I realized that I now have two big girls. This semester, as my first semester back in 5 years, was intense. I had to register for 6 classes to be qualified for full time financial aid. Everyone called me crazy, and I believed it but I was determined to push through no matter what. After all, this was my decision and my future at stake. 

September I celebrated my 28th birthday with close family and friends. We sang the night away and it was just what I needed to blur out the last few months of my life in 2020. This was also the month where I cried the most about my love life. I was single and just accepted the fact that no one wanted to love me. Cisco and I went a few months without talking to each other. A guy I met on a dating app, who I believed liked me the same, stopped talking too. I remember staying up late one night doing homework and then getting a text from Cisco saying ‘just wanted to stop by and say hi’. I broke down. I replayed the song ‘Just About Over You’ over and over again thinking why he couldn’t just leave me alone if I were nothing to him. I wanted to leave him on read. But my heart took over my head and replied back to him.

October My little baby turned 3. I took her and all her cousins to paint pottery and they all had so much fun. Still in denial she’s getting so big. I look over at her right now while the girls are sleeping and she’s gotten so tall and so independent. Classes were getting harder and harder. I was so stressed. I was scared that I was going to fail my Anatomy Lab class. I just couldn’t understand the way she was teaching and then when we were tested, it was totally opposite of what I was learning in lecture. It was a hot mess. Halloween has become one of my favorite holidays. It doesn’t have anything to do with family time. Just dressing up as something else and candy, food, and parties. I finally got a call back from a job I applied to in June. It’s part time but I accepted it. Every month’s budget was cutting it close. 

November This year’s holiday season felt different. It felt eerie and not right because the government was encouraging us to not spend time with our families. And yes, of course I understood the reasons why, but the meaning behind the holidays contradicted everything. We had a small Thanksgiving dinner at my mom’s. There was a lot of drinking and my brothers ended up crying even though it’s usually me whose the crier when drunk. I’m not into political views but I felt a sense of relief when Biden won presidency. Don’t ask me why; I don’t even know why. 

December Hayden turned 5. Because of all the holidays and people traveling, the covid cases were increasing which caused school to close a week early before Winter break. Classes and final exams finally ended for me too. I ended up with a C, 3 Bs, and 2 As. I would say I did pretty well especially with all things considered. Cisco and I took a trip to Gatlinburg and then my family and I ended up going back a couple days before Christmas. We even experienced a white Christmas while we were there. It’s so beautiful to watch snow fall but definitely scary to drive through it when your car is not equipped to travel through it. My company shut down for two weeks during the holidays so again, I’m home with my children. It’s been nice to just unwind and enjoy quality time. I spent New Year’s Eve with Cisco and now it’s officially January 1, 2021. I’m so happy it’s a new year. I’m hoping and genuinely hoping for a better year. Full of love, money, prosper, luck, and good health. 

I hope your 2020 didn’t break you down too much. And if it did, I’m praying 2021 rebuilds you - emotionally and mentally. Here’s to a new year for this whole globe. Healing is sincerely all we need at this point.