#do NOT argue with a political science major on human morality they will piss you the fuck off

[aquarianlights]

Hear me out. Maybe I’m a bad person for this. You know what, okay.

But...this is who I’ve decided to be now. I’m not aiming for being a genuinely, good person in every aspect of my overall being anymore which is what I’ve been trying to do for the past...oh, year and a half or so. I started trying to change my overall character 3 years ago and genuinely started gearing towards becoming what I considered to be a moral/ethical/good person 1 1/2 years ago ish.

I’ve always, always, ALWAYS been environmentally and animal friendly ever since I was little. But...everything else was just... whatever and sometimes even stuff for me to manipulate in negative ways for fun. Especially with human beings. I was a very negative, manipulative, abusive person for majority of my younger years. I grew the fuck up.

I’m not trying for “good” anymore; I’m trying for “happy”.

I’ve decide the happiness of my dog is paramount to everything and my own happiness is immediately below his.

There is an excess of “political correctness”, ableism, neurotypical/neurodivergent, appropriation, and all of that....arguments going around. What is “right” and what is “wrong”. And you know what? I’m a fucking white person. I am a white american. I am an extremely neurodivergent, hopefully not becoming physically disabled (we’ll see.....if you’ve been following me, you know what I mean sigh), fucking white, unfortunately american 25 year old transboy. I have no say in any of this. I know nothing unless I have experienced it myself. It pisses me off when psychiatrists try to talk about borderline like they know what they’re talking about because they’ve gone to school for it. No, you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. You comprehend, you don’t understand. There’s a huge difference.

I may comprehend a lot of what is being argued and debated through research....I don’t understand a lot of it because you know what? I don’t go through a lot of it. So issues that are specific to me? I can speak on. Issues that aren’t? I can’t. Even if I have researched them or have friends that have gone through it, I can’t. I fucking can’t.

So this is my new fucking lifestyle:

If it’s not hurting me, it’s not hurting you, if it’s not hurting animals, if it’s not hurting the environment, if it’s not hurting others, if it’s advancing medical science and science in general. . .and everyone is chill? Then everything is cool.

If something is not making me happy, I take it out of my life. Immediately.

Ie; I found that caring about all the things just makes me fucking unhappy. So I took it away. Takes me about a week to a month to fully integrate things into my lifestyle usually. . .but I’ve decided I do not fucking care about anything or anyone except select people, all animals, and select circumstances (with select people in said select circumstances). Because caring is too exhausting and draining.

And in the profession I’m going into? I don’t have time for that level of “care” as an emergency medical physician. Abso-fucking-lutely not. Detachment and compartmentalization are a way of life for ER docs. I’m not there yet, obvs. I know nothing. I am merely an amoeba with a baseline of knowledge. But I am aiming for the stars and, frankly, caring is just not a thing I need in my skillset, nor is it a thing I want. Also, it has turned out to be detrimental. So I have eliminated it to the degree I need.

My entire life was emotionless until I turned 18 and got into the real world and then there was an influx of emotions and now I believe I have finally found the balance. I never totally will because I am BPD. But. . .I have found enough balance to delete what I need from my skillsets in order to progress forward to become a “happy” person.

Some of the things that make me “happy” are not societal norms and they are not necessarily “good” or things that “good people” would do or say. And, honestly, I just don’t care. I have found a LOT of what makes soon-to-be 26-year-old Killian happy IS what “good” or “ethical/moral” people would say/do. But a bit of it isn’t. And that’s fine. With me. May not be fine with whomever is reading this. May not be fine with society. But it’s fine with me and that’s all that matters because at the end of the day I am alone with my own head and I am the only one that matters. ...other than my dog. So.

Yeah. Complete fucking overhaul of my personality coming.

Killian new patch: Loading. . . . 87% complete. . .Loading. . . . . . . . . .

Be prepared.

...or don’t. I don’t care either way, actually. Whatever makes you happy is chill with me. Just...try to be happy for yourself. Whatever makes you happy....you do you, fam. You do you.