#didn't work with the flow of the fic at all but i am rather fond of it as a standalone scene

[flowers-and-dndoc]

Find Me (Find Yourself) Deleted Scene (11/15)

They easily reach the Tardis before the Chuldur get anywhere near them, but the Doctor still hurries to pull Rogue inside and close the door behind them.  A wave of panic and pain sweeps over the Doctor as Rouge steps inside into the bright white light of the console room, and he feels Rogue’s hand leave his. He turns, and sees Rogue falling to his knees, his hands pressed over his eyes.  His own panic rising to meet Rogue’s, the Doctor kneels beside him, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close.  Tension radiates throughout Rogue, his muscles taut with what could be either fear or pain.

“Rogue, honey, what’s wrong?” The Doctor asks, voice thick with concern.  Rogue’s mouth twists in a pained grimace.  

“Sorry, I’m alright,” he says, voice strained even as he tries to speak evenly. “It’s just been a long time since I was out of the dark.  The planet didn’t have any sort of daylight cycle.” 

“It’s okay, love, just breathe,” the Doctor says, rubbing small circles against Rogue’s back.  He snaps his fingers with his other hand, and the lights in the Tardis console dim drastically until they’re at about the same level as the glowing moss in the cave.  Slowly, Rogue begins to relax against the Doctor’s arm, and he lowers his hands from his face.  There’s tears trickling from his eyes that he quickly rubs away.  

“Sorry,” he says again, an edge to his voice that the Doctor might label anger if he couldn’t taste the man’s utter mortification through their bond. 

“How long was it, for you? ” The Doctor asks him, voice soft, still gently rubbing Rogue’s back.  The touch seems to help ground Rogue as he thinks about the answer.  

“Hard to tell time without days,” Rogue says. “But I think it’s been….two, maybe three earth-standard months since 1813?” The Doctor’s brow creases.  

“I’m so, so sorry Rogue.  I wish we could have picked you up sooner, the Tardis isn’t the best with precision and foreign dimensions-”

Rogue cuts him off with a weak smile.  “I’m just glad you found me, Doctor.” He gently takes the Doctor’s hand and inspects it, looking at the ring on his pinkie finger.  “You kept it,” he starts to say, before he’s interrupted by a pounding noise behind them - the Chuldur, presumably, have finally caught up to them, and are trying to break into the Tardis.  

“Right!” the Doctor says, jumping up suddenly.  “They shouldn’t be able to break the Tardis’s defenses, but I believe that’s my cue to get us out of here.”

[phdmama]

HI HELLO I would very much like to know 27, 30, and a wildcard of your choice!! Love you!!!

THANK YOU BBY!!!! xox

27. What do you listen to while writing?

Oooof I can't really listen to music when I'm writing, my particular flavor of ADHD is the "get totally distracted by music" which is annoying. I can't even do mellow ambient stuff with no lyrics. Maybe it's good though because I get inspired by just about every song I hear? Obviously a lot of those are "ideas flow in ideas flow out" sort of things, but still.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Kind of two things come to mind. The first is writing Buddie - I never thought I would? But then I had an idea for @fraddit which turned into That's What Friends are For, which I'm rather fond of, and now I'm working on (haaa "working on") another Buddie fic in addition to, you know, all the Larry and Drarry I've got sitting around. I even am toying with the idea of my Hot Jocks for Cocks fic haha.

The second is how much less anxious and stressed I am about the fact that I really didn't write a lot this year. I feel like it's a mark of growth that I'm offering myself a lot of grace - it's been a tough tough year, and I know the words are there, I just need to figure out how to make room for them. I'm allowing it to be a work in progress (and have absolutely not plans to quit writing!).

and for the wild card...

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Probably gratuitous use of italics! I do love them. I've decided to really lean into "you can do what you want forever" as my writing philosophy!

Thank you darling!!

ao3 wrapped [writers edition]

[kinetic-elaboration]

October 22: Writing Worries

Finally, finally, I forced myself out of a weekend stupor to write. It didn't go great in that it didn't feel very good, but at least I got words down. They did not flow easily. I do not know what I think about them. But they exist and that's really the most important thing.

Like, technically, it's fine if I finish this fic and am not really fond of it. My feelings about different stories change over time. There are some I've written that I used to really love and now I feel rather lukewarm about, and some that I've basically forgotten I've written, and some that I rediscover and go 'hey, this was really hard to write, but it turned out better than I remembered!'

So, today I wrote what I consider to be probably the biggest and most important scene. At least that's how I felt before I wrote it. In context, it seems of about equal importance with the others, but it loomed large before. I'm halfway through with my outline but because not all bullet points on the outline are equal, I'd say I'm more than halfway done in terms of both word count and, like, basic plot. What I would really, really like is to write most of it over the course of this week and leave the weekend open for ficlets. I realize this is possibly a big ask of myself but it's not impossible, especially if you divide the rest of it up, as it already is, into scenes and partial scenes.

I'm overthinking. Obsessing. I realize that and it's not helpful. I just don't feel like I have a good hold on this story at all. I'm writing it like painstakingly putting words together and then I read it over and I can't tell if it's good or bad or in the middle. I guess that's okay... some things are weird experiments and that's fine. And some experiments are duds and that's also fine lol.

Anyway. I don't desire to work any more on this fic but I do desire to get it over with and I do hope that stuff I write in the future goes better. I keep getting tempted to think long-term about projects and then I bring myself down to Earth by saying 'hey you actually suck now and it's un-fun so what's the point?' Which is, like, not helpful or inspiring at all.