#didn't post it because the timelines for the DFV are a pain in my ass

[deniigi]

There’s a tornado coming towards my town and we’re all huddled in shelters. Got anything lying around to distract me?

I sure fucking do now!

I’ll give you two, here’s the first under the cut. I wrote it today, it’s basically Matthew Murdock’s Steps for How to Make a Family:

How to Make a Family

By Matt Murdock

Step 1. Have a dad.

Step 2. Lose your dad. Bemiserable. Great job, everyone. We’re doing amazing so far.

Step 3. Attempt to find areplacement dad.

Step 4. Fail abysmally.Like, make that shit stunning. Literally ruin your life for the rest of alleternity. Make yourself physically unlovable by all potential foster families,church members, and living humans. Don’t worry if you get tripped up by thisstep, you can repeat this one as many times as it takes for you to learn agoddamn lesson, but be equally warned: you will not learn that goddamn lesson.

Step 5. Go to law schoolbecause fuck it, why the hell not?

Step 6: fall in stupid,hopeless love with your roommate

Step 7: do not account forthe fact that the roommate maybe loves you back. Fuck no. REPRESS. THAT. SHIT.

Step 8. No longer repressthat shit. Accept the roommate. Embrace the roommate. Maybe drunkenly kiss theroommate and then make extraordinarily poor decisions with the roommateinvolving, at least at first, truly horrendous sex on a twin-sized bed.

Step 9. Meet your soulmatein the form of a tiny, angry woman set up to ruin your life by the first faileddad figure.

Step 10. Do not commit murder.

Step 11. Wave goodbye toyour soulmate and sob helplessly on your roommate. Don’t worry. Roomie ain’tgoing anywhere. Cling to this because it is the only thing you’ve got going foryou for the next three years.

Step 12. Have a fuckloadof casual and unhealthy relationships.

Step 13. Graduate.Accidently make a nemesis out of your roommate’s girlfriend who knows more thanhe does and possibly you do that you would do anything to be with the roommate.Including steal him from a perfectly respectable internship with a perfectlyrespectable job offer at the end of it.

Step 14. Set up a lawfirm.

Step 15. Acquire a client.This is family member #2. You will now kill for her. Congratulations.

Step 16. Attempt tosemi-murder some Russians

Step 17. Get found by yourroommate!!

Step 18. Get abandoned byyour roommate!! Well done, everyone, we are back down to one family member.Let’s hope nothing bad happens to them!!

Step 19. Get re-found byyour roommate!! Attempt to make up. Lie a lot about being better and morehonest in future. That’ll show ‘em.

Step 20. Become aterrorist?? Maybe skip this step if possible.

Step 21. Make anintentional nemesis of the Punisher. Congratulations! You have found familymember #3! It doesn’t matter if you don’t fucking want him, he’s yours now,baby!

Step 22. Ruin everyone inyour family’s lives with a botched trial! Break up with the Roommate. Cut tieswith family member #2. Do not fuck her.

Step 23. Re-kindle yoursexual relationship with your soulmate. Oh, by the way, she’s back. We’re goingto call her family member #4 now, ‘cause she’s harder to kill than a fuckingcockroach.

Step 24. Make the mistakeof allowing The Punisher (nemesis) and the soulmate to join forces.

Step 25: Just fuckingmurder your soulmate. Do it, you coward. Yeah, suffer them consequences, youpiece of shit.

Step 26. Get smashed. Getangry. Go out and nigh-eviscerate some folks. Don’t worry, you’ve got a couplemonths for this step/spiral.

Step 27. Trip over theSpider. Menace him. Say it’s his fault. Ignore all apologies and tell theSpider to get and keep the fuck out of your city or else. That’ll fix him.

Step 28. Go on anotherbender. Drink too much. Forget to eat. It’s fine, you’re not alone, you’llalways have the Devil to talk to.

Step 29. Accidently kickthe Spider in the head. Realize now that the Spider is approximately 12 yearsold and you just kicked him in the fucking head. Holy fuck, you fucking disgrace.You fucking child abuser. You are no better from your sensei, not evenan iota.

Step 30. Feel bad.

Step 31. Go on, you ain’tdone yet. I’ll tell you when to fucking stop.

Step 32. Orchestrateanother trip over the Spider. Do it gently this time. Make the same kind offuss but, when his voice does the horrible wavering thing, clear yours andannounce obnoxiously that there’s only one thing to do to stop this and its toteach the Spider how to fight properly.

Congratulations! You have foundfamily member #5! Aw, he’s so happy. Oh wow, he’s still talking.

Jesus fuck. He’s stilltalking.

Step 33. Meet Deadpool.Make tracks. You are an idiot, but not that kind of idiot.

Step 34. Meet Deadpool.Nearly die. Admit that Deadpool might have just saved your goddamn life.Reflect. Reflect. Reflect.

Step 35. Accidently set afoot outside HK and find yourself in the crossfire between a load of morons,Deadpool and the Spider. Do what you do best. Bask in the awe and approval ofthe giant man and the Spider afterwards.

Step 36. Get charmed ontoa team.

Wait. What?

Step 37.  Investigate: why the fuck is the Spidercrying? Who has made the Spider so distraught? He is 12. 15, whatever. Theymust die, whoever they are.

Eliminate the threat. Maybe, sortof, kind of, give away your identity. It’s fine, it’s a mutual exchange. Hisname’s Peter Parker.

Step 38. Alright, a bigstep made up of many little ones, so stick with me. In the absence of reliablesupervision, make shit decisions. Drink too much. Work too much. Sleep never. FuckDeadpool. Yeah, go on. We all knew it was going to happen with your goddamntrack record, pal. Kind of make up with the Roommate and family member #2. Moreor less get back onto speaking terms with them. Hire an office coordinator andan intern for the summer. But most importantly, meet a tiny angry woman with ascarf. Guess what! She’s family member #6. Hey, y’all are mutual functionalalcoholics. Drink to that, babes.

Step 39. Fuck, there’smore. Okay, well. You’ve always wanted a weird brother. Two weird brothers. Oneweird brother and one big, grumpy brother. Oh, yeah. That’s fine. That’s cool.Let’s call them family members #7 and #8.

Damn, it’s getting kind ofcrowded in here.

Step 40. Hey, so. Dunno ifyou’ve noticed with all the bad decision-making things going on, but Deadpool justwent on a bender with you and brought you home at the end of it. He’s kind ofcool with your whole deal with the Roommate. So, that kind of makes him yourbiggest, weirdest family member. So, welcome #9 to the family.

Step 41. THE SOULMATE ISBACK. Girl, did we miss you!! Yeah, totally go out with her to the bottom of apit. That’s safe.

Step 42. Die.

Step 43. Wake up. That’sright, sleeping beauty. Death is still too kind for the likes of you. Hey, bythe way, this lady? You know her and guess what??? She’s been your fuckin’ momthis whole damn time. Congrats, you’ve found family member generation 1, #2.But now, since you are a fucking self-absorbed, suicidal piece of shit, let’scall her family member #10. Or hell, maybe family member #1, since you’ve lostliterally everything you’ve ever worked for and which ever mattered to you.Hell, yeah. Since you’re gonna die like an idiot soon anyways, why the fuck notstart over?

Hello family member #1. Nice tofinally make your acquaintance. Give us a few days to shake off the shock andwe’ll be right with you.

Step 44. Get the fuck backon the rails. Say thank you and I’m sorry to your goddamn mother, for fuck’ssake, she’s been here the whole damn time.

Step 45. Wake the fuck upand appreciate that the Spider and Deadpool and Jessica and Danny and Luke wereall worried as fuck about you. Feel ashamed for that. Bad dog, no biscuit.

Step 46. Celebrate acouple holidays with the guys.

Step 47. Nearly lose thekid, once to Stark, then once to the city.

That’s your baby brother. Yeah,it’s normal to not stop shaking sometimes.

Step 48. The Roommateloves you, you asshole. He and family member #2 want to start up a new firm.Yeah, it’s pretty great, but don’t cry though, ya moron. People are around.

Step 49. Wake up onemorning and realize that your family looks like the following:

Slightly-estrangedbut well-meaning mother

Best friend withthe great hair and a nose for trouble

Frank fuckingCastle (whether you want him or not)

A highlyfunctional alcoholic who thinks you’re funny but won’t admit it

The strangelittle cult-brother

The strangecult-brother’s girlfriend

Your nursefriend who you fucking failed to appreciate earlier, you shithead

The big,sometimes grumpy bullet-proof brother

Your secretary

A spider

The Spider’s mom

The Spider’sbest friend

The Spider’sother best friend/your intern

The merc with amouth

His cat

Your soulmate

Yourroommate/best friend/life partner

And your dad, youfucking moron, he’s been with you in your heart this whole time.

Step 50. Rinse and repeatthe relevant/applicable steps from 1 to 49 for those persons who seem more orless worth it for the foreseeable future.