#didn't mean to disappear i was just getting a bachelors degree

[not-kat]

randomly got the urge to revisit an old flame

[aestherians]

Change and Loss

Word count: 1362

Expected reading time: 10-11 minutes

"If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you," is what I used to say - more as a reassurance than a statement of fact. I mean, how could I know for a fact that it was true? I didn't have any experience with losing a kintype. I still don't think I do; not really. And I always saw the idea repeated in the community - one time otherkind, always otherkind.

But I don't believe that's true anymore. I'm still a bison for sure. I've never doubted that. I'm still Ɐwhrayɐ the gnoll and I'm still Ben the shapeshifter… but I'm beginning to accept that those sides of me have changed.

"One time otherkin, always otherkin. If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you"… but what if that's not true? What if you still benefit from your kintypes, and they disappear regardless? What do you do if you lose a part of yourself, or if a part of yourself becomes unrecognizable to you? How do you keep living when you've lost yourself?

Sometime in 2023 the distress of always having to hide my true self became too much to bear alone. But I'm not a brave person. I think the better solution would've been to just bite the bullet and start expressing myself, but hindsight is 20/20. I've survived 25 years by hiding everything that makes me 'weird', and the idea of leaving my one dependable survival strategy behind was (is) terrifying. I went to a free self-help seminar ("Take control of your life!") but all it taught me is that I need a dependable support network before I can take control of my life. I went to my doctor to try and get a referral for a therapist (it's cheaper than just finding your own therapist). Instead he sent me to a psychiatrist for my 'delusions'. The psychiatrist told me my experiences, worldview, and self-perception were unusual but not harmful - they could only help if my goal was to get rid of my schizotypal traits (traits that weren't even significant enough to warrant a diagnosis). If all I wanted was to learn how to conquer my fears and express my true self, they couldn't help. It took months of visits to get the diagnosis: Traumatized by peer abuse, too poor to afford my own therapy, and too anxious and ADHD to even find a therapist in the first place.

I can't even say I was left at square one. I had started out hopeful. Nearing the end of 2023, I just felt helpless.

At the same time, my studies were drawing to a close. I completed my bachelor's degree in animal science and all it took was a diagnosis of ADHD so I could legally buy amphetamines, a compound-diagnosis of autism so I wouldn't get kicked out when I inevitably misunderstood exam questions and failed final after final, and 5½ years - almost twice the expected time for a bachelor's degree in my country.

It should've been freeing but instead it left me directionless. Helpless and directionless - that's how I entered 2024!

In the past, in the strictly structured day-to-day of school, my kintypes have been a source of comfort. Especially my Ben fictotype, which probably fell into the category of coping mechanism. I awakened in a time of intense stress and retreated to that world whenever my present life got too much. When crowds got me overstimulated or I missed an important deadline or fought with my neighbors or drifted apart from old friends, I thought about all the times Ben!me had gone through similar or worse. I cut off a friend in my present life after finding out he'd abused his ex - but in my other life I'd cut off a friend who tried to murder me, and things still turned out fine. I lived through it. I could live through it again. Every situation had a parallel in my other life.

I still don't know why that method failed me, but eventually it did. It's not that it didn't work, it was more that I suddenly had to put an effort into making it work. As if I'd always been able to enter Narnia and now suddenly I had to personally petition Aslan to let me back in. It started in the fall of 2023 but it wasn't until spring 2024 that I fully realized. Coping had never been an effort before, and the worst part is, I don't even know why it suddenly was.

My fictotype was drifting away, even when it still served me! This wasn't supposed to happen! Had I been lied to?!

I think our community has a lot of survivorship bias. Whichever mailing lists and newsgroups get archived, and whatever snailmail gets published, that's what our history is based on. The people who made archivable geocities sites get to write our story - not the people on closed forums or in private chat groups. People who leave the community don't tend to leave behind pristine essays on their fully archived websites explaining why they left. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but it's rare. And when they do leave behind messages, it's usually some variant of "I still love the community that fostered my awakening, I'm just an adult with responsibilities now and I don't have time for this."

But what about the people who don't love the community? Who 'unawakened'? Who aren't passionate enough to leave behind a final message? Do we ever hear from the otherkind who 'fizzled out' and became human - or at least lost a kintype?

You can understand my panic, right? I considered turning my fictotype into a copinglink, but my ADHD is so debilitating I barely remember to brush my teeth - no way I was gonna remember to do daily reinforcement exercises. Especially frazzled 2024 me (still frazzled as of June but I'm hanging in there!).

I was forced to accept whatever my come.

I'm still Ben, on some level, but I won't say "I'm thankfully still Ben," 'cause is it really that bad to not be Ben? Even if that facet had served me well and could still serve me? $1,000,000 could serve me well, but uselessly pining after it doesn't serve me.

I didn't prepare myself for loss because I really wasn't sure I was gonna lose a part of me - and, in any case, grieving preemptively is a waste of energy if you ask me. Instead a turned to the Bison - not my own bison theriotype, but the archetype of the Bison. When one woowoo solution fails, why not try another?

The Bison has always been a good teacher to me - better than any self-help seminar or psychiatrist. The Bison takes everything in stride. The Bison survives until it can thrive. The Bison ruminates on the present, it doesn't ponder the future. The Bison doesn't grieve or fret unnecessarily. It exists in the now. I exist in the now.

Of course, the chance that anyone reading this works with the Bison spirit is slim, but I think its teachings can help everyone - regardless of spirituality.

When turning to other worlds doesn't aid you, accept it, and turn to the present world. Let your worries pass through you, you can't see clearly when you're pent up with worry. You can't prevent the seasons from turning, all you can do is turn with them. Accept your lack of control, instead of trying to grasp at the uncontrollable. Sometimes change is unexpected, and you may not like it, and it might not even open up new doors for you. Not all change is good. But you cannot prevent every unwanted change, and you have to keep living regardless.

My fictionkinity doesn't have the intensity of my first few years post-awakening, but it also doesn't have the casual reassuredness of decade-old kintypes. It comes and goes, and when it comes it's like a whisper. And one day it might become too quiet for me to notice. One day it might not return.

But I think I can live with that.

[misty-memories09]

Been thinking about kny modern au, so here are some headcanons 😊 —

Makomo, Giyuu, Sabito, Mitsuri, Tengen and Kyojuro all are going to the same middle school + high school — were in different grades ofc but they were friends. But makomo was actually already a graduate when Sabito was 15 but since she hadn't moved out she was still friends with them, I can also see her being friends with Kanae idk.

Sanemi and Obanai are going to the same highschool and have been best friends ever since.

Muichiro (w/ his bro yuichiro, I didn't forget) will go to the same middle school as Senjuro and Nezuko.

Gyuutaro and Shinobu are going to the same middle school. Kanae is about to graduate. +ume and Kanao will go to the same middle school (I love kimetsu gakuen sm for all the new friendships it has fr fr)

Zenitsu, Genya, Tanjiro and Inosuke will go to the same highschool.

Now that that's outta the way, I'm going to start with the first friend group (Makomo, Giyuu, Sabito, Tengen, Mitsuri and Rengoku). Also, I used present continuous in accordance to the time line I'm looking from, they'll be graduated before the 'will go' would reach school.

Makomo —

she was a rabid fan of those elastic bracelets you make out of rubber bands — idk what they're called, sorry but her hands are filled with those and so are her drawers and she still loves wearing them, she even gave some to mitsuri.

she liked making flower wreathes alot but ever since she started her college she hasn't had enough time to make jewellery and flower crowns.

i feel like as a child she wanted to become a vet as a child, but she's right now studying to be a science teacher (chemistry — currently earning a bachelor's degree, then she's going to take a teaching program course).

i feel like she was (is but won't admit) obsessed with creepy pastas. Like there used to be a desktop at home that was for makomo's studies (sabito used to play purble place on it) and her youtube would be FILLED with creepy pastas, ghost appearances videos, urban legends etc.

she always and I mean ALWAYS has salty snacks on her, hungry? she'll give you some no problem. it's like she breathes, lives, bathes in salt.

she really likes making whistles and learned woodwork from her grandfather (Urokodaki) and in her free time she plays them to relax whenever she's stressed.

Giyuu —

He dresses like adam sandler, there's no way he's goth or punk or whatever, he's not. He continues to wear the same polo tshirts and and halfpants on a daily basis.

although he wouldn't admit it publically, he still loves playing with toys — any weird obsession you had as a kid? You'll find it with him. Extending that he's also loves childish things ALOT but he doesn't like being told to grow up so he only talks to his friends about them.

he would stay up late at night to watch 'courage the cowardly dog' (me too bro, me too) and then end up scaring himself. and it annoys all of his friends when they're all watching scary movies together and he screams so loud that the whole ass neighbourhood could hear them.

he has continuously tried to make time machines countless times to see dinosaurs (with Kyojuro). and he still believes that he will find a way to time travel with cardboard.

he begged his sister for ear piercings (even though he's afraid of needles) after looking at hers and started crying in the process of getting his ears pierced.

Sabito —

He loves doodling on his hands. ALOT, every time he's free and there's a pen in his hands, his hands, legs — anything exposed is GOING TO be covered in ink somehow. He just zones out into a happy state while doing so.

he loves watching super sentai (or power rangers which was the usa adaptation and what I watched first lol), and animes that have mecha in them (did I talk about anime prefrences for the others? Idts).

one day he discovered henna art and has NOT let go ever since. the moment the last design is near disappearance he does it again, so his hand is always stained in henna designs. and he got Tengen (who loves fashion and thought it was flashy) and Mitsuri into henna art too.

one of his hobbies is finding new music (it's productive according to him), he goes into incognito tab and looks for music, sometimes old, sometimes with a certain feeling etc.

extending on the headcanon no. 4 of makomo where I mentioned he liked to play purble place — he once opened youtube on the desktop and found all the horror videos and boom, makomo got him into supernatural stuff too, he doesn't particularly believe it, he's like it could be or could not be but he's very interested in it. and once asked giyuu to perform a ritual with him and then called giyuu a wuss because he was too scared to do it.

Part 2 — Mitsuri, Kyojuro and Rengoku because this became a great wall of text.

[jessicanjpa]

errands

A mundane little snippet from this chapter of 1950. In which Edward is in a bad mood because that's always more fun.

I yanked the huge stack of mail out of the tiny post office box and began to flip through it with disinterest. A paycheck for Carlisle, a letter from the broker, a couple of college things for Rosalie and Emmett, and a letter for me from the correspondence school. I tore it open to find that I had officially earned my bachelor's degree in mathematics, and would I kindly send in a check for twenty dollars if I wanted a framed diploma done in calligraphy, versus the folded paper one included in this envelope. Which was torn already, because our family was outgrowing our post office box. We had signed up for it as soon as Alice and Jasper had arrived—the same precaution we had taken for Emmett when he was a newborn.

"Anything else for Cullen or McCarty?" I asked the postmaster as I flipped through the rest of the mail: just a few bills and some kind of European fashion magazine that was addressed to Esme, but had obviously been ordered by someone much shorter.

The postmaster disappeared for a moment, returning with a stack of three hefty envelopes which he deposited on the counter with a thud: my three other courses had arrived.

"Here you are, sonny. But I'll need an adult to sign for them…?" He leaned around me, looking to see if either of my parents were waiting out in the car.

"I'm twenty years old," I muttered. I grabbed the pen from his hand and signed my name with an angry flourish. He jerked away, his heart skipping a beat.

"Have a nice day," he said doubtfully as I scooped up everything and headed out the door.

I headed next to the grocery store, mindlessly filling a cart with random fruits, vegetables, and dry goods. It didn't really matter what I got; most of it would all go straight to the compost pile or the food bank. I did pick up a bottle of the laundry detergent that Esme seemed to burn through, and a can of powdered bleach: always handy for getting out those stubborn blood stains. I topped it all off with a carton of orange juice and wrinkled my nose as I passed the butcher. We would be real vegetarians this week; there was no way I was driving home with a hunk of expired animal flesh sitting in my car.

But as I drove home, I decided that I would do errands like this more often. Esme was so busy lately that she had taken to doing everything at vampire speed, which I knew she didn't prefer. She usually enjoyed going about her housecleaning and gardening at a human pace, humming and enjoying her fantasy world in which we would come home from school, sunburnt and tired and hoping for a plate of cookies fresh out of the oven.

But now there was so much laundry, and so many errands, and she had so many sewing and construction projects going at once, that she went about everything with a sort of fierce energy. She seemed happier than ever, what with her full house, but that didn't mean I couldn't pitch in to help now and then. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

[girltomboy]

Lately

My best friend presented her BA thesis and she now has a full, complete, official Bachelor's degree! I'm so proud of her and so relieved for her as well, it must feel incredible to have one less stress weighing you down. I mean I was there too but she also had a job at the same time and lived in a completely different city... on the other hand, I'm a bit anxious that she won't have any reason to visit this city now that she's done with university, because her last visits here have been uni-related. :( And she also mentioned something about moving to Germany with her boyfriend... I've been a little wistful lately since she left, because we didn't even get to spend at least an hour alone together, without her boyfriend there. And it's not like I dislike him, or like I don't cherish every moment I spend with her, but I really long for our friendship when it's just the two of us, and the people we become around just each other. When we went to the beach as a group a few years ago she told me she wished my boyfriend and all our other friends would disappear so it could be just the two of us there. And I understood her and tried to spend as much time as possible with her, I went to the beach with her, got a room together, went on walks. But now it's impossible to catch a few moments with her alone, and I don't really know how to even bring it up... because it's not like her boyfriend has anywhere else to go. I mean, this city is totally unfamiliar to him. It just feels like she doesn't feel the same way anymore. Like she doesn't value our alone time as much, and it does hurt, but I don't know what any of us can do about it. Anyway... I don't mean to sound ungrateful or negative. We spent some beautiful moments together, didn't really get to do much except walk around, get snacks, and smoke at their AirBnB lol. But it was a fun week and I started feeling empty as soon as she left. Luckily I met up with my work bestie last weekend and we got so drunk I actually blacked out and don't remember like the last quarter of the time we spent together 💀 I kinda hate how we get so drunk together but at least it was fun, we played a lot of music videos and talked for hourssss. I also turned 27 this week and my birthday was pretty uneventful as it was a work day, but it was still nice to have a few hours off, a short nap, and a long walk. My friends & coworkers were very very sweet to me, my grandma called and even my dad texted me. I really felt like this the whole day:

Today I did some cleaning in my apartment, paid my rent (need 2 make a separate post about the absolutely BIZARRE experience I had abt this...), picked up an online order (wireless mouse, wireless speaker, phone charger adapter), made dinner. I still have some errands to run, like paying my water bill, and scheduling a follow-up appointment with my gyno, AND resuming my workout routine!! But that's all for tomorrow & next week. I also need to buy a baseball cap and color film for my camera. STILL. But I'm excited about going on vacation with my bf. 🕯🏖

[capsensislagamoprh]

A few nights later, well past midnight, Christophe made his way into the main room, a long list of details scrolling in his head. The Swiss man considered the ceiling. It was tall enough, and did look like it could be used to brace his unique party trick, but he wanted to be sure. He had plans. Pausing, Christophe blinked as he was once again struck by an unusual sight. A particular dark clad figure sitting stock straight, head bent over books as he did what appeared suspiciously to be school work. The steel case tapped the table as Christophe moved to sit at the other end, his gaze curious. Otabek looked up sharply, his dark framed glasses causing his eyes to be illuminated by the single light he was working with. It gave the stoic man a studied air, reminding Christophe of a business mogul or some high end fashion ad for college students. It was an interesting look. He wondered if Yuri had ever seen it.

"Didn't know you wore glasses," Christophe offered as a way of greeting.

"Only for long bouts of reading," the younger man answered.

"Interesting." The case clicked open. The last time the portable pole had been used it had sustained some damage from a particularly exuberant dance routine. A few of the connection points were threadbare, and while he didn't want to admit it, he might have to retire this one soon. Ah, but there was a new model available, and wasn't that the silver lining!

They sat like that, companionable in silence, for some time. Christophe polishing and preening the pieces, making sure they worked correctly, Otabek carefully writing meticulous answers for something online. He had to admit he was curious. "What are you doing?" he asked casually.

"Homework."

No words minced. How very on brand for the young Kazakh. "For what?"

Otabek lifted his head, turning his gaze to Christophe. His blank expression revealed nothing. 

"School."

"Haven't you graduated already?"

"Higher education. For my degree."

Color Christophe intrigued. "Oh? That's forward thinking. What are you going for? I mean, what degree." Best not to give Otabek any way to short answer him. While he was unfailingly polite, he had been hanging out with Yuri, and you just could never tell how much of the Russian spitfire would rub off on him.

"Medical."

Christophe stopped his menstruations. Medicine? Well, now he was fascinated. "What type?"

"I am not sure. Right now I must pass the basics. Perhaps sports therapy, or an orthopedist."

It was so matter of fact. Such a done deal that no matter what path the young man chose, he knew Otabek would manage it with calm dignity. It made him want to shake the stoic demeanor, see what came loose.

"Are you coming to the bachelor party?"

"No."

No? NO?! Christophe looked bothered, confused and affronted. "Why not?!"

"I am tasked with keeping Yuri occupied so that the rest of the adults may have their fun without him becoming overly excited."

Without Yuri becoming overly aggressive, he meant, and Christophe knew it. It would be a shame to not have the young man there. He'd not been able to get him on that pole, tried several times the last time it came out, but Otabek had refused staunchly .

"Shame," he said casually. "It's going to be fun."

"I am assured both the events will receive glowing reviews from those who recall it."

Christophe felt himself hitch mid smile. Was... was that shade? Oh, sweet giddy Freya, that was shade! How intriguing! He had to find a way to get a reaction like that out of the Kazakh in a more public setting. He needed witnesses! Looking over his portable pole, he considered just how to accomplish this. So deep into elaborate plots was he that it caught him by surprise when Otabek stood. His books were closed, laptop tucked neatly away in a black leather satchel. He disappeared down the hall with nary a sound, returning without the school things. Instead he held a handful of washers, a few screws and a universal tool. "Here. These should help."

Christophe took the items, looking them over. Without a word, Otabek helped him fit the parts to the stripped connection points, stabilizing the pole. Then the young man stood, gave a polite goodnight, and disappeared into the room he shared with Yuri, the door closing silently behind him.

One way or another Christophe was going to get him on that pole. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. Someday. It would be good for him. But for now, he had a stag party to finalize.

part 1

[poppadom0912]

Can you please write a Conner and sibling reader where the reader is stressing about which college they should go to and he gives them advice?

Characters: Connor Rhodes x Sibling!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, stress

A/N: I hope this works and is good enough for what you asked. Sorry if it wasn't though! 🤷‍♀️

*****

Staring at the laptop screen, you felt like screaming. The stress of college was overloading, and you felt your brain screaming for a break away from all the pressure.

Rubbing your eye, you continued to scroll through the emails upon emails teachers at school had sent, all recommending and providing 'guidance' through everyone's application process. All of which, was useless.

You wanted to be a social worker, more specifically a child and family social worker. You had always been interested in social work and when you looked into it, children and family interested you the most.

To get your dream job though, you needed a bachelor’s degree in social work and that's how you found yourself struggling, bouncing back and forth, contemplating on your choices.

Taking off your reading glasses, you lazily chucked them besides your laptop, balls of your palms digging into your eyes. How you wish this could just be over and done with.

Sighing in frustration, you slumped in your seat, leaning backwards so you could rest on the back of the chair, your back aching after sitting up for hours. But, somehow, you forgot that you were sitting at the mini kitchen island on a bar stool.

Leaning too far back, you felt yourself losing balance, but you reached for the counter just in time, steadying yourself.

Blowing out a puff of air, you stared at your keyboard in distress. What an actual mess you were.

"You should've just let yourself fall, would've been a good laugh."

Cutting off your own scream, you clamped your lips shut, body jerking to the side as your head snapped towards the front door where your brother was, slipping out of his shoes and hanging up his jacket, showing off his black scrubs with his name proudly stitched in the corner.

Connor placed his keys on the counter, walking around it as he ruffled your already messy hair before getting himself some water.

Rolling your eyes, your ignored your brothers staring and went back to the screen in front of you but as soon as you laid eyes on the orderly chaos of the open tabs and emails, you felt your anxiety skyrocket.

Your brother noticed, and you weren't going to question how he knew because he truly was a miracle worker, working in mysterious ways that even some of his co-workers didn't question.

Rounding the counter, he not so subtly stood behind you, bending slightly so he could read everything on your screen. You froze, feeling the exact same as when a teacher stood at your desk, stopping over you during a test and you feel them judging your answers.

You could feel his gentle eyes move onto you, hands rubbing your biceps like he always did.

And just like that, all tension was released from your body, but your mind was still running hundreds of miles per hour, something he also took note of as he sat on the stool next to you.

"What if-"

"Nothing bad is going to happen."

Connor interrupted you. Not breaking eye contact, he looked at you with that disgusting brotherly love that he liked to show every now and then when he wasn't being a dick.

Watching him carefully, you needed to speak without getting cut off. You had to express your frustration before he could give you amazing advice that made all the negative emotions disappear.

"I can very easily fuck everything up." You said as quick as you could, internally wincing when Connor glared at you for swearing.

Biting your lip, you begrudgingly apologised, mumbling the sorry under your breath despite not meaning it.

"But seriously, this is going to be the rest of my life and so much can go wrong if I choose incorrectly." You said, pointing towards your laptop before letting your hands fall into your lap. "I can't help but think I should've taken a gap year and disappeared somewhere that isn't here."

Leaning your forearms against the counter, you looked back up at your brother, watching as he remained silent as he thought of what to say to you.

"Look." He licked his lips, copying your comfortable position. "No one said this was going to be easy because if it was, everyone would be doing it."

You scowled, staring at him with a deadpanned expression, head tilting to the side.

This time, he rolled his eyes. "I stand by it but wherever you decide to go, and as long as you get accepted, all that matters is that you’re doing what you love and you have fun while doing it because at the end of the day, when you leave college, all of this." He pointed at you, fingers going in a circle. "Will just be something of the past you reminisce and laugh at."

He paused, waiting for you to say something but when you stayed silent, he continued. "And trust me, it's all worth it in the end."

Your brow was raised in surprise, your lips perking up. Your brother was good with words but that was more heartfelt than any other of his speeches you'd heard from him in your lifetime.

"Now, don't expect me to say that again because that was so good, and I can't ever do that justice."

And just like that, your scowl returned as you slapped him on his shoulder before pushing him away as hard as you could with one hand.