#didn't copy over my italics but who gives a shit

[visualgirladvance]

a year of becoming less unlike me

this is going to be really informal, i think. it feels less personal if i try to follow any sort of academic convention. i don’t, like, need to use capital letters. it isn’t going to help me talk about, fuckin’, titty skittles any better. okay. yeah. there you go. (update: I ended up using some capital letters. Oops.)

so, like, i started HRT a year ago today. technically i only started blockers today, and estradiol tomorrow, but like, who cares. same fucking difference. it’s a bit more ~symbolic~ if it’s on valentine’s day. ides of february doesn’t mean shit. i’m trying to push today as a birthday alternative- difficult, given various other significant things occuring today, but i’m just that self-centred, i suppose. it doesn’t feel like a huge deal? probably because it’s not, same way a birthday isn’t. at least, most aren’t. i bet eighteen, twenty-one, et cetera feel special because of the legal implications. do people celebrate their twenty-fifth because they can rent a car? probably not, but like hell i’m not going to.

where was i

right

HRT

okay so like i think the first thing that i didn’t expect was how easy it was to take it somewhat consistently? taking pills regularly has always been hard for me but, y’know. titties. they are an excellent motivator. i mean, i’m small as shit, and looking at girls online thrice my size despite being on this shit just as long as i’ve been hurts like hell, but, still, titties. of course, they weren’t the first thing i noticed- that was the soft skin. at least for me, my skin got soft crazy fast, and, like, incredibly so. cis girls were wowed by the softness of my skin. it’s been cold for a while now, so i’m a bit dried out, but once spring comes again i’ll probably be a squishy soft mess. delightful.

another thing that defied expectations was the lack of emotional impact, probably. i don’t feel much different, except in a couple noticeable ways that i’ll probably get to at some point in the next twenty-five minutes before i change classes. people talked about crying all the time, (which i still fail to do except on rare occasions) getting mood swings, (which i suffer from no more than i used to, which is to say, somewhat? i dunno, it’s hard to tell when you yourself are having mood swings.) and feeling joy consistently for the first time in their lives. (haha, nope.) it sucks that i’m missing out on all of that, i guess, but i can’t really feel too bad about it. HRT really doesn’t actually feel like a radical life change once you’re on it? it just feels like the new normal. a better normal, but still, y’know. normal. and my normal ain’t great.

right yeah i said i would get to that stuff huh. even though it’s been, like, thirty-odd seconds since the (likely non-existent) people reading this read that, it’s been like five minutes for me. okay! okay. so, like, here we go.

the first thing was, like, my sexuality? wait wait no i promise this isn’t horny. i don’t mean it like that. that didn’t change at all, actually. i meant it more like, y’know. i used to think i was bi? or, well, i was bi? it’s unclear. Shit, sorry. Decided to type like this now. It’s like that sometimes. Anyways, a few months back, I kind of went through a crisis? At some point, I realized that I really just had not had any interest in boys for a long time. There are a few that I had, like, realized the aesthetic appeal of? But, like, I didn’t want a boyfriend. Girlfriend, non-binary partner? Hell yes. Boyfriend? Fuck off, no, please no, fucking, why,,,,, right. Okay. Eventually, after some turmoil, I settled on just being a lesbian. And I like being a lesbian! I think the term suits me. Now, though… I’m not sure I really ever was bi? Like, I had just… assumed I was, because I had a crush on someone who I thought was a dude (and, to be fair, at the time, so did they) but wasn’t- and now, like… did I ever really have anything to suggest otherwise? It’s not really relevant- I am who I am now, and all, but my dumbass brain can’t stop thinking about the mechanics there. I suppose that’s the same kind of factor that motivates someone to write an illegible mass of text about her medication usage over the past year.

Okay! Okay. the second one. right. this one is kind of hard to talk about because it’s embarrassing? not in, like, a horny way, i swear, but like. okay. the one emotion i find myself able to feel very strongly (that i could not before, not in the same way) is, like…. flusterhood? flusterdom? i’m very easily flustered. that is what i am saying. and not by, like, overtly sexual shit. i’m talking, like, if i think about cuddling with a hypothetical girlfriend for too long, my brain locks up and i find myself unable to speak, it sounds so nice. seriously. it’s the worst. i mean, like, it’s nice to feel that way, but also being able to accidentally lock yourself up when reading a short story about trans catgirls cuddling is really annoying at times. don’t even get me started on when someone is flirting with me. i swear to fuck

right i was supposed to be talking about HRT huh

i mean yeah it could be false causality but like. i think HRT impacts that.

i kind of forgot what i wanted to do with this? i never really had a conclusion in mind. i guess i could have, like, gone over the life changes that’ve occurred since i started? i’m basically all the way out of the closet, i have actually dated someone, i know so many more people than i used to, i finally stopped fucking growing (thank the gods, five foot six inches is way too tall for me) and uh

i dunno. maybe i thought writing this would make me feel nice about how far i’ve come?

it hasn’t, just to clarify. not really. i still feel as though i have so much more to climb, to endure, to grit my teeth and push through. 

okay i really wanted this to be done before i changed classes but like. y’know. here i am in seminar. okay i think i’m really done here but thank you for reading this if you did. it’s really, really not worth reading, like, this is barely worth getting posted on tumblr. seriously. fuckin’, like, why did i even- okay. cool. thank you

[euphoriahrs]

bittersweet | jjk [ii.]

» pairing: manhwa artist!jjk x female oc

» genre: roommate au

» word count: 2.1k

» disclaimer: contains strong language and drinking, but very little

» rated pg 13

* lowercase is intended *

[series mlist]

chapters: i. | ii. | iii. | iv. | v. | vi. | vii. | viii. | ix. | x. | xi. | xii.

© euphoriahrs (please do not steal or copy in any form)

a/n: make sure to reblog and let me know what you think about this chapter!

𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐖𝐎𝐍 didn't arrive at the apartment until evening time. on her way back, she received an unexpected call from work informing her that a coworker was caught stealing customers' medications and needed to get there urgently.

she worked at a local pharmacy that was run by a lovely couple in their 50s. haewon was in urgent need of a job so when she saw that they were looking for an extra hand, she was elated. she would finally have a job that fit her major.

the jung’s started their pharmacy soon after they got married and raised three children, all of which moved out of the average-sized town and into bigger cities for better opportunities.

the only help they had was a man in his early 30s who was working to pay off debts, and since none of their children wanted to inherit the pharmacy as well as old age creeping upon them, they began to search for the much-needed help. now the sweet couple are practically her parents.

she reluctantly cracked the door open, wide enough so she could peek through without anyone noticing her. she expected to see an alert guard dog waiting to bite off the intruder’s finger, but there was nothing so she opened it wider.

instead of finding a vicious guard dog, she was met by what seemed to be an adorable puppy-like dog that was fast asleep waiting for its owner to come back so that they could go on their daily walk at the park.

disappointed but not surprised, she closed the door behind her and walked closer to her roommate. she slowly walked towards the boy until she was close enough to hear his soft snores.

from where she was, she squatted down and positioned her elbows on her thighs to place her head in her hands, so that she can look at his face from a safe distance without getting caught.

she examined his features of his sleeping state.

his brows were furrowed creating a crease right between them, his slightly scrunched nose, and a frown that was formed on his lips.

"i wonder what's on his mind," she whispered.

"you better turn that frown upside down, idiot," she motioned with her fingers. she stayed in that position a little longer before getting up, not wanting to be there in case he woke up.

she stretched and sauntered towards the kitchen thinking of what she should eat for dinner.

"do i cook or get takeout?" she mused making her way to a stool. she tapped the counter like a drum while trying to decide.

she was too lazy to cook and besides that, they haven't gone grocery shopping in a while so there was no food in the fridge.

"takeout it is," she pulled out her phone and opened postmates. "now the question is what(italics) to eat," she sighed scrolling through the options.

"order from that chicken and beer restaurant," a voice croaked behind her. she dropped her phone from the sudden sound, "oh, jeongguk you scared me," she let out an anxious laugh and placed a hand over her heart.

"you should really make it known when you're around," she picked up her phone.

"well, you should start paying more attention to me then," he fired back smugly while getting some water from the fridge to quench his thirst.

ignoring his comment, "when did you wake up?" haewon questioned.

with his tired stare, "just now. i just so happened to see what was on your phone." she hummed in response and searched for the restaurant, "i guess we could get that then. i didn't know what to get anyways." jeongguk moved to sit on the stool next to her and sat in silence.

after a minute or two, jeongguk broke the silence, "i haven't forgotten about this morning just so you know," he sang in a threatening way. "of course," she replied in a bored tone and she jokingly added, "so, how was your guest last night?"

"she was amazing," he amused sarcastically. haewon perked her eyebrows, "oh really? how did it go this morning hm?"

"quite refreshing actually," he seethed. haewon peered further, "not terrifying? not even a little bit?" while squinting her fingers.

jeongguk shot her a threatening look. "of course that shit was terrifying! i thought murdered someone while i was drunk last night! how do you expect me to react when i woke up to see a bloody body laying right next to me?!" he barked.

"um let me think," haewon pretended to think. "over the moon," she faked gushed. jeongguk was about to respond when the doorbell rang. "i'll get it!" haewon rushed to the door.

"hello, are you park haewon?" the delivery boy asked. he was tall and lanky with dark brown eyes and hair, probably around 17 years old.

"yes i am," she answered. the boy smiled, "did you order a mixed box in with two beers?" haewon nodded.

"okay, that'll be $14.76," he gave her the bag. haewon was getting her wallet when jeongguk gave the boy money instead.

she scrunched her eyebrows and looked at jeongguk, "i can pay for it myself you know." jeongguk gave her his famous bunny smile. "i know, but i wanted to pay anyway."

“what's with the sudden mood change?” she muttered.

the delivery boy looked over to haewon to make sure that he was okay to take the money from jeongguk. she smiled and nodded, "it's not my money anyway." the boy was about to take the money when jeongguk interrupted.

"you know, actually you can pay for it yourself," he took the money back and walked away.

haewon whipped her head towards jeongguk, "how do you just say 'oh i'm going to pay for our dinner today' and then decide to take it back?!" she looked confused with a tinge of annoyance.

"i don't know," he stood there with his hands in his pockets. haewon rolled her eyes and turned back around to give the delivery boy money. the boy awkwardly smiled, "would you like your change?"

"no thank you, have a good night," she smiled back.

haewon closed the door and leaned against it. she stared at jeongguk trying to figure out why his mood kept changing. one minute he seemed like he was going to kill her, the next minute he was all nice and stuff, and another minute later he wants to take back his kindness.

jeongguk cleared his throat, "if you take a picture it'll last longer." she thought about his remark and did what he said to and took a picture. jeongguk was surprised but covered up quickly before she could take the picture. "there i did it." she said in a monotone.

"but you know what? you don't deserve to be in my camera roll, more like in the trash." she paused, "actually you don't deserve to be in my phone at all," with that haewon deleted the photo in her camera roll, then went into the trash and deleted there so that there was no trace of the photo left.

"come on, let's go eat before the food gets cold," she walked away. jeongguk stood there processing what just happened. "and she did that for what?" he shook his head and couldn’t help but form a grin and made his way to the kitchen to eat.

haewon had just finished placing the food on the counter when jeongguk came in. she handed him a beer and swung her piece of chicken, motioning him to sit down.

"so, how is your progress going on getting a company to accept your manhwa?" she asked being nosy and wondering how his life was going.

jeongguk almost spit out his beer, "how did you know about that?"

haewon scratched the back of her head, "well, you see, it was only a peek-"

"just a peek?" jeongguk interrupted raising an eyebrow. she sighed, "okay i went through it. but only because i was trying to at least tidy up your room since i did just leave something possibly life traumatizing in your bed." she sheepishly smiled. "sorry," she added and took a sip of her beer.

“that’s bullshit,” he rolled his eyes.

“okay, you caught me, i was snooping,” she said exaggerating the ‘a’ and put her hands up surrendering. “but being nosy is in my nature, i can’t help it,” she shrugged and took a sip of beer.

“whatever,” he exhaled. his shoulders slumped, "none of the companies are responding. i doubt they even took a glance at what i sent them. so i guess i'll just have to continue to work on webtoon," he confessed and chugged his beer.

"from what i have seen, your works are really good. you just haven't found the right company yet, all of those other companies are just blind jerks that can't see that there's a great manhwa in front of them," haewon tried her best to console him while not sounding fake. she hated being in situations like these without sounding awkward, it was rather hard for her to console someone.

jeongguk showed a pained smile and stared off into space.

silence consumed over the two as they finished their food. haewon glanced at jeongguk for a second, he was staring at his drink with his tongue poking the inside of his cheek. he reminded her someone that she used to know, who was long in the past. not wanting the thoughts to continue, she rubbed her face as a way to get rid of the memories.

she ended up staring at him much longer than she intended, she was so caught up thinking about her past that she hadn’t noticed that jeongguk was staring right back at her. he quickly looked away when he noticed that she came back to her senses.

after they were finished eating, jeongguk got up to throw their food away. haewon rested her head on the counter and played her favorite game on her phone. jeongguk leaned forward against the counter and asked, "why did you come home so late? i thought it was your day off."

haewon stared at her phone contemplating whether she should answer him or not. she didn't feel like talking because it would take too much effort.

she conversed in her head, “should i answer? do i want to? no, but... ah whatever.”

finally making her decision she lazily explained, "my coworker was caught stealing customers' medications at work today and my boss needed me to come in to take over the rest of his shift," she moved her head so that she could face him.

"apparently he was an addict but hid it well i guess. every time we had to take drug tests he would have a way to fake them so that they would turn negative,” she paused to take a break and rubbed her eyes, “we also had him do inventory at the end of each day of our over the counter pills since he had been working there for a year or two now, and was trusted," she yawned wanting to stop talking but it was too late now.

"but it turns out that he kind of faked those as well. he would get different friends to buy some every other day, so he wouldn't have to put much work into faking everything and so that nothing looked suspicious when our boss checked everything at the end of the month," she finished explaining, thanking heaven that she could finally stop talking.

jeongguk was nearly speechless by how dedicated that man was. "that's crazy," was all he could let out. "i know right," haewon chuckled.

she got off the stool, "i’m going to head out now. night," she left the kitchen dragging her feet to her room.

"goodnight," jeongguk softly replied. he stood at the counter for a little longer before walking over to the couch and turning on the tv to a random late-night cartoon.

since he was his friend's p.a, it was his job to review the busy work schedule for the next day and memorizing it, or at least he tried to, but he mainly tried to find when he would have time for a break.

feeling drowsy, he tossed his phone onto the coffee table and got comfortable on the couch. he was too tired to even think about going all the way to his room, so he just stayed in the living room. listening to the t.v in the background, he closed his eyes and let sleep wash over him.

[rpbetter]

i feel like i'm the only autistic person on this site who actually finds double spaced prose EASIER to read than single spaced? i guess because justified text is easier to read than aligned left? so i wanted to start doing it myself, but i didn't, even if it was more easy and aesthetically pleasing to me personally, because so many people are the opposite. formatting is something i genuinely enjoy, it feels playful, relaxing, and makes rp a lot more fun for me. also, differentiates it from other creative writing, among other things. i totally get where people who dislike formatting for aesthetic are coming from, though! not trying to start shit, just i'm vaguely amused that i'm an anomaly among fellow neurodivergent roleplayers with this!

Oh, no, it totally doesn't sound like you're starting shit! That was an excellently explanatory message while still coming off friendly, you are awesome for that. This was really interesting to get because you're right, that is funny...and interesting, I think!

You know what I don't do that I find more appealing? Indent sentences. I used to, I have a lot of editing as a novella RPer, so it isn't like I'm not already going over things with the opportunity to do it lol but...so many people were complaining about this coming off as too stiff or throwing them while they were reading longer replies, so, I stopped doing it. Not complaining to me, which I realize probably should have mattered a little more, in retrospect, right? If the people I was writing with didn't have an issue with it, I probably shouldn't have paid attention to things I saw being reblogged on my dash by people I wasn't writing with.

There are things I staunchly refuse to give up, like emphasis. It isn't for any aesthetic reason in my case, it's because I enjoy conveying the emotion in my conversational writing with my rather emotive muse, but when I read back over it, it can be visually appealing, too. I don't typically have too many problems (and if I do, it's something I can revisit more successful when I'm not having deeply unwanted concentration issues that have nothing to do with my interest in and excitement over them) focusing on my writing partners' replies, none are as uh, emphatic as I am, but with my own writing? Oh, yes. I wrote it, I edited it once after I was done writing it, then I edited the damn thing again before positing it - by the second or third time around, man, am I really over myself. So, having my muse's more direct thoughts in italic or the usual emphasis on words here and there, it visually breaks it up for me and makes that a more pleasing experience.

I can totally see how formatting is enjoyable! It's just another thing that makes it creatively your own, and I very much appreciate creativity regardless of whether it's my style. Additionally, I have seen formatting done in a way that I thought was approachable, tasteful, didn't take anything away from the writing while being attractive, that sort of thing. I'm not even sure how to describe the difference, but I think maybe...that it was such a cool combination of these couple of muns' ability to seamlessly mesh both?

There is no way in hell I could do that! These two were also novella, and I cannot imagine that undertaking. Have to admire that dedication and having gotten it down to a science!

I definitely appreciate you sending in your different view, thank you! It's always interesting to hear these sorts of things, I feel like a lot of the time everyone gets lumped together, and depending on what it is, it's either funny or annoying to be the different one. The latter being why those expressed differences can be done rather vehemently, and coming from an understandable place in that or not, that doesn't benefit a thing we need a ton more of in the RPC - toleration of differences.

We're all here to roleplay, yes, but that means something a little different to everyone. The process is different for everyone, what they enjoy, for how long, with what sort of muses, just a million little differences. What I, or anyone else, prefers or doesn't does not make it The Right Way or The Wrong Way. It's understandable we can get a bit vexed by that individuality, feel like one way is ruining what we like or need, feel like another way is pressuring us to change, and so on. As people, it is kind of hard sometimes to understand why something we can't stand is beloved by someone else, and harder still when it's almost everyone else.

So, I think it's important to the Sisyphean task of getting people to like and dislike with mutual respect to hear differences. It can help remind us of the human variable involved, and that it's not just alright, it's good to let other people do their thing. It's not coming at a cost to your thing the majority of the time, after all. It can just really feel that way when you're in the minority on the matter, as I'm sure you know!

Thanks again, I hope you're getting some lovely formatting done, Anon!

PS:

maybe, since you enjoy the double-spacing and find it easier, you should see if any of your writing partners would mind you doing so? Maybe I should rephrase that as seeing if they wouldn't have a difficult time reading it lol that might come off the wrong way! I don't mean to imply that anyone should ever be beholden to whatever others want them to do when it comes to this sort of thing, just that it might be a good way of discerning who was both into it and not going to struggle with it any. That way, you could get to do it without any risk of being inaccessible or losing partners.

And if you're a meme or musings blog (thank you for that, too, if you are), you could always try out doing the two versions! I really loved that, sometimes the shorter musings that were more formatting were truly added to by that, and I absolutely did reblog them over the plainer versions with minimal formatting. But, if they had characters that made my brain weird out or showed up as unreadable on my browser and so forth, there was a duplicate version that was "stripped down." Seems like muns even tagged them that way so that you could search those specifically or filter them out even.

Before someone takes issue with it, I'm not saying that meme, musings, or other resource blogs are obliged to do more work. (Anon harassment did not trigger my paranoia, I said, like a liar lmao) It could be beneficial though, like, for the resource blog, maybe! Put in the plain version and queue it, copy it and paste, format away, queue it for another day. Double the output, double the chances of interaction with your posts!