#did she ever have doubts? about whether she'll actually see the earth again?

[a-little-monotonous]

sega give me more maria content and my life is yours

[roseofithaca]

When The Veil Falls

(A horror ficlet set in @idiotwithanipad 's Gore AU. Being the adopted daughter of a great witch is not always a perfect fairytale. Especially not for those who try to interfere in family affairs).

He must be seeing things. Perhaps the nurse accidentally slipped some of Heather's medication into his tea? There's no way on God's green Earth that this can be real.

First, he'd heard the singing. Childlike and yet not a child's voice. Squinting, he'd spotted the outline of a young woman, twirling in the mists. Heather had no children, not even nieces or nephews, that much he knew. And if she did, he very much doubted she would approve of them dressing like this one.

A young trespasser then. Judging by her behaviour, it doesn't take a genius to work out what recreational habits she indulges in. But she seems to be alone. He's had to chase off worse at his own parish. Small gangs of yobs wearing hoodies and wielding rounders bats and crow bars to smash headstones or even the stain glass windows. This girl doesn't look to be violent or out for trouble. But she definitely does not belong here.

"Miss? Excuse me, miss!" He began to stray off the gravel path which lead towards the gate and out onto the field.

It was a bright, moonlit night. He'd spent the evening sat with one of the biggest contributors to the local charities as well as the church itself, as she'd recently suffered a stroke and would be bedbound for a good month or so. Heather Button had always been a peculiar parishioner of his. A regular church attendee and yet she always seemed to give off an air of being more aware of the supernatural than he did as a priest. Every time he entered that large, daunting house, he often felt like a thousand eyes were upon him, when it was only ever Heather since her mother passed away thirty years ago. He wasn't sure if it was because of how often Heather and others joked about it being haunted, or whether there actually was something or someone...

But this is the first time in the four decades he's frequently visited Button House that he's seen anything to question his faith. As he approached the spinning girl, her form seemed less corporeal the closer he got. He knew he shouldn't be looking at her bare midrift and the piercing on her belly button, but it was the clearest spot where he noticed how...translucent she appeared.

Father Daniel blinked. It's late and he's tired, that's all. A voice in the back of his head told him to turn back, to get back on the path and towards the gate. Leave. Now.

But he owed it to Heather. She only had a nurse to tend to her in that big house. No security. He doubted she even had CCTV set up.

"Miss! Hello?" He calls to the giggling teen; "Don't you think you should be heading home now?"

She stops. She stares at him.

What in the world...?

Her eyes lock with his. Faded blue, a milky sheen over the dilated pupils.

"Oh. Oh, my child, I'm sorry, I didn't realise-."

The girl speaks a single word. Then she continues to giggle.

"Pardon? Could you say that again, please?"

"Hehehe - HELP! Hehehehe."

Help? She was asking for his help?

"Miss, are you all right?" Everything in his gut told him no. What sort of reason would a blind young woman have to be out dancing on a private field at night without so much as a guide dog? "My name is Father Daniel Jones, I'm a priest. Would you like me to call....Miss, please, it would help if you could stop laughing at me-."

"Hahahaha!" She began to twirl around him, that saccharine smile stretched across her pale face. "Hehehe, nope, hehehehe, mustn't stop laughing! Mustn't stop or she'll know!"

"Miss, your face..." He frowns at the blood leaking from her nose and ears; "Perhaps I should call an ambulance."

"Hahaha, too late, hehehe, much too late." She grins, spinning and cocking her head to the side; "C'mon, Father, look at me. You know what I am, it ain't hard to work out."

He suspected. He feared. But he'd hoped to God that it was anything but.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph..." He whispers while crossing himself. "You're....a ghost?"

"Bingo! Hehehe, points for the Vicar! Hahaha. Oh if you end up saving me, that's gonna be ironic as fuck, hahaha."

Daniel winces a little at the shameless cursing but he was used to it from kids her age.

"You want me to save you? How? And I'm sorry but why do you need to keep laughing?"

"Hahahaha - because if I stop she'll know something is wrong - hahahaha!"

The girl throws her head back as she spins, her arms outstretched towards the moon. She begins to chant some sort of pagan hymn to the Greek Lunar goddess. My eyes fall upon her pentacle necklace.

"Who is she, my child?" He asks, his nerves turning the jelly, but feeling compelled to stay. A lost lamb was asking for his help. Living or dead, he had a sacred duty.

"Hehehehe.....Mu..." She bites her lip hard and shakes her head; "No. No, not that...that might summon her. She's not even....hahaha, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's really hard to talk when my brain feels like it's on fire."

Given how thick the clots are as they run in red lines down her face, he can only surmise how intense those headaches are.

He's talking to a dead girl. A young woman who had died from some sort of hemorrhage.

Oh...

Memories flood back to him from not too long ago. A body found in the woods surrounding Button House. Heather being distraught, visibly shaken by what had happened so close, when she'd already had two random deaths on her property. But this had been a child and it had hit her much harder.

"I remember you. Sorry, I...I don't remember your name." That felt awful. A young life taken far too soon by the fault of no one except unlucky genetics.

The girl laughs even as tears fell from her eyes.

"No worries, mate. I don't either." She cackles and tugs at her pink fringe; "Began with...L? Maybe? Or was it a J? J for...Jess? Oh hahaha...I don't know....Mu...She doesn't let me remember anything except my new name. Silver Ravenstar Guppy, hehehehe."

"That's....quite a name." He doesn't know quite what to say to any of that; "And who is She?"

"The witch."

He takes a breath, feeling a little winded at that. If this was some sort of prank to spook the local Vicar then it was rather impressive. His eyes look to her pentacle choker.

"Aren't you a...?" He doesn't want to assume.

It surprised many to learn that Daniel got on rather well with a few of the New Age believers in the village. Some identified as witches, others as pagans or druids or neither. He'd even attended a few interfaith coffee mornings with them as well as local Muslims and Hindus. It wasn't for him to say they were wrong. Judge not, lest ye be judged, and all that.

The girl giggles and taps at her necklace; "Oh hahaha, I was just a rookie! A kid who had no fucking idea what she was getting into....But she's the real deal. She....She's like something out of a fairytale. Beautiful, amazing, magnificent....and fucking terrifying, hahaha!"

Daniel feels the urge to smile, nervously, out of politeness. The girl seems caught between respect, love and terror for this mysterious being.

"And guess what? Hehehe....She thinks I'm her daughter!"

Daniel inhales. He might not remember the girl's name but he remembered her mother. The way the woman had appeared so stiff and stoic at first when she'd asked him to help arrange a search for her missing daughter. And then he'd watched that mask shatter the moment the police informed her of the news. Her scream still rang in his ears.

"I...take it you're not happy to adopted by this....witch?" It sounds ridiculous, but then he's already talking to a ghost. Sure, why not throw witches in there too!

Silver chuckles, waving her hands side to side, "Are you kidding? Hehehehe, most of the time it's amazing! It's fucking paradise! She gives me all these pretty dresses, she let's me live in an enchanted forest, she gives me jewelery and introduces me to elves and satyrs and nymphs and all sorts of cool shit! Hahahaha, look, see the dress I'm wearing right now? Do you see it?"

She raises her arms perfectly vertical above her hand and spins a perfect ballerina twirl on her tip toes before stumbling at the end.

"See all the layers and colours and fabrics! See how my crown sparkles in the moonlight! Tell me, honestly, hand on your Bible - do you see it?!"

At first he'd planned to lie, to indulge what was clearly the delusions of a hallucinating teenager still high on whatever she'd consumed before her death.

His hand found its way to clutch at the bible in inside of his coat pocket, before she'd even asked.

Daniel looks at the girl, bottom to the top, the mud covered black knee high boots, the tattered leggings, the hot pink and black overshirt and...he hopes that top is more than a bra.

"...No, Miss. I'm afraid I don't see your dress."

She stops spinning and stands inches away from him, those sightless eyes piercing his own, that manic grin sending shivers down his spine.

"Hehehehe....That's because it's all a fucking lie."

She loudens her laugh and skips around in a circle.

Daniel pulls out his phone; "I'm calling the police." This is either an epic farce or a warped kidnapping. Or worse. Either way, he was out of his depths.

"Oh, good luck with that, if we're lucky they can see us but they don't even have guns, how are their bats gonna be much against fi...What's that?" She points, frowning.

He shows her his phone. The new model released from Apple that had taken the world by storm.

"It's my iPhone."

"Eye...phone? Is that what you call mobiles now?"

"It's a type of mobile, yes. I thought you couldn't see?"

"Hehehehe, I've learned how to use sound to make out shapes, hehehehe. Like a bat! I can see your phone is all flat like a little tv!" She creases with more laughter; "Where are the buttons?! Do you just speak to it?"

"You can do but it's all touch screen."

"Touch...." a frown forms on her brow; "What year is it?!"

"2010, Miss..."

"Two..." Silver sways on her boots; "Eight years. I've been dead eight fucking years. It don't feel half that long...I'm asleep most of the time and the rest? I....Last time I remember being lucid, they were setting off fireworks. One said '08. Fuck. This is the first...the first time I've been lucid in two years...She's getting stronger. In my head, she...She's winning..."

Her hands fly up to clasp over her ears as she howls with laughter.

Daniel pockets his phone. The police will have no luck with this, he fears. They will hang up before he can finish trying to explain.

"And most of the time I can't tell! I just play and dance and enjoy living my happy fairytale afterlife! And it's wonderful! It's magical! But then I wake up...like I did just now, when you spoke to me...Because livings almost never see me. Your god must have blessed you with the Sight."

"Sadly you're the first ghost I've ever seen, as far as I'm aware." Daniel isn't sure if that's a blessing or not.

"Oh! Hahaha, even better! That means he sent you just for me! That must be it, hahaha. Please! Please, Father. Get me out of here, free me from her. Hehehehe."

"I...How do I do that?"

"I don't know, you're the priest! Don't you guys do exorcisms or something? Hehehe." Fear twitches her eyes as she fights between serious and giddy; "Fuck, if you can't do anything, find a local druid or pagan who knows a way to get me out of here! I don't care where I go - heaven or reincarnation, I just...I can't stay here. Nothing is real. Everything is just a pretty lie and if I ask for anything more she just wraps me up in more lies like she's drugging me with her dark powers...This isn't what I became a witch for, Father, please believe me. I wanted to connect with my roots and the Earth, I never wanted..."

Daniel holds his tongue, having warned many a wayward teen about dabbling with forces they didn't understand. As much as he respected his pagan friends, he couldn't call himself a good Catholic without voicing his concerns about children getting into witchcraft just to be cool and inviting the potential dangers of the occult.

The girl appears truthful. Painfully so, more regretful than most of the visitors to his Confession booth.

She falls to her knees before him; "For fucksake, I will convert right here and now, I'll give my soul to Jesus and Mary and whoever else, friggen' Dawn French if it means you'll help me!"

"Dawn...? Oh, right." It takes him a moment to understand that reference. "That's not necessary, Miss, please stand up."

He goes to reach for her hand.

"NO, DON'T-!"

Too late. His fingers pass through her arm as she tries to shuffle back and out of his grasp. He feels nothing, not even a tingle, but the girl's constant giggles are suddenly stifled, interrupted by painful dry heaving. Her arms wrap around her stomach as she bends forward, retching and trembling.

Daniel raises his hands; "Oh! I am so sorry, I had no idea-" Why he thought he'd be able to touch a spirit was enough of an idiot moment.

The girl rubs at her lips as her laughter returns. But she continues to tremble.

"Oh gods...Oh gods, what have you done...You hurt me."

"I...Miss, I didn't mean to-."

"That doesn't matter. They'll be coming now." She grins at him, panic shining in both eyes; "Run. You have to run. Now."

"But....you wanted me to help you, maybe I can-."

"It's too late now, don't you get it?! Hahahaha. They know something is wrong, hahaha, they're coming, hahahahaha!"

"Then....why are you still laughing?" He asks as he begins to back away.

Silver cackles, as loud as the wicked witch herself.

"Because I can't stop, Father. Because I can never stop. Hahahahaha!"

And judging by the tears on her cheeks and the way she's tugging at her short hair, he can see she would offer up her soul for a chance to be able to stop.

Smoke begins to billow out from the nearby treeline. It creeps towards the girls feet and coils around her ankles.

What in the name of all the saints...?

"Oh....Here she comes...."

Daniel is so transfixed on her that he fails to hear the approaching growls before it's too late.

Heather had no dogs. And the ones from next door were loud but all bark and no bite.

The hairs on Daniel's neck rise up. These growls sound less like those of a dog...and more like a wolf. Or a bear.

Silver laughs, gesturing wildly at him; "Run, run, please, run!"

"Why? I can't touch you so why should I fear-."

"I'm just a baby, dude! These things have been here for centuries. One of them is older than your messiah and he's about to try and rip your throat out!"

"Why? What did I do wrong?!" All he wanted was to help a lost, blind girl. And then maybe save her soul at her own request.

Silver only giggles; "You should have stayed on the path."

Something heavy leaps onto his back and pushes him face first into the ground. Daniel tries to wriggle away but he's not a young man anymore. He feels fur as well as skin, pressing him down, crushing the air from his lungs. He makes an effort to reach for his crucifix only for a paw to swipe it viciously from his fingers.

As he opens his mouth to scream for Heather, or her nurse, or anyone, something is clamped over his mouth while a claw grabs the back of his skull to raise his head up. He opens his eyes and sees the teenager staring down at him, a deep sadness visible in her eyes, despite her immovable grin.

"Please stop! Don't hurt him, please." She tries to reach for whatever is constraining him but she then jumps back as his captor roars in anger and gnashes his teeth at her.

She looks to him again in apology before stamping her feet.

"It's not his fault! He did nothing wrong, let him go! It was me, it was all me, I asked him to help me escape!" She confesses.

The smoke behind her swirls up to form the image of a much taller woman than the girl. Embers ignite from no where and float above their heads.

Faintly, through the black fog, Daniel just about glimpses scraps of a Stuart-era peasants dress, a bonnet and....bones. A clavicle, a skull....

"Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus Christ!" His bladder nearly gives away out of terror.

His furry captor growls into his ear.

"Keep that one silent." A vicious female voice hisses.

A fist is jammed into his mouth.

Silver shudders as the figure solidifies close behind her, one skeletal hand reaching up to curl upon her shoulder, possessively.

"Darling girl. Please tell me I misheard you just then." The figure whispers in a rasping tone, "Thou wast not trying to leave Mummy, were ye?"

Her giggles were mixed with short, anxious gasps as she squirmed under the monster's touch.

"Please...Please let me go." She begs, closing her eyes.

"Let you go? From what, sweetheart? You not be in a prison. I don't keeps thee locked in a cellar for you to wither away." Those bony knuckles caress her tear stained cheeks; "No. I give thee everything your precious little heart desires, do I not? Food, dresses, magic, love...Why wouldst you ever want to be taken from this? From your home?"

"Because...." She seemed to have to fight to get the words out; "B-because it's not real, Mu..." She bites her tongue.

The witch walked - no, floated around, to look down at the teenager.

"My love, it's as real as you want it to be. T'was you who first called me Mummy, remember? T'was you who claimed to have been searching for your true home! You know that, as a witch, same as I. We manifest the world we desire into being. I woulds not be able to craft this perfect home for you unless the want be there in your heart."

"Only because I'm high as a kite most of the time, or because you drug me with....With whatever it is you do...."

"And woulds you prefer me to do nothing, hmm? What kind of mother would I be if I just stood by and watched my baby cry in agony without trying to heal her?" The creature runs her hands over the girl's head.

Silver tries to move away from the touch, but her feet seem rooted to the ground. She takes a deep breath, then looks the demoness in her scorched eye sockets.

"You...are not....my mother."

Daniel hears his captor give a low grumble. The temperature seems to plummet.

Finally, the witch spoke.

"You not be yourself, my little'en. Those wicked fae have returned to turn you against me so they can steal you away."

"There are no fairies! Stop messing with my head, none of that is real-."

"No daughter of mine, in her right mind, woulds ever seek the aid of those who work to rid the world of our kind! The ones who spin lies in the name of their god and seek to torture and burn us!" The witch raises her voice, sending more embers into the air.

"He's not like the ones from the old days, priests don't go around burning witches anymore! I wanted him to see if he could free me, he never did anything wrong-"

"HUSH!"

A tendril of smoke lashes up at the sudden wave of the witch's hand and wraps itself around the girl like a giant snake, pinning her arms to her sides, covering her mouth.

She whimpers, eyes wide, darting from Daniel to the witch as she approached.

"Oh, my poor baby. Know that I'm not vexed with thee." Her strained voice turns as soft as it can be, her hand against the girl's face; "I know how confused you get when you have these little spells of yours. But we are working on them, aren't we. Look how long it's been since your last one."

Silver attempts to make some sort of plea, but her words are muffled.

"Shhh, now. It's okay. Mummy understands. You just forgot, that's all. I know you'd never willingly leave Mummy or our lovely home. You should not have pretended everything was normal. Mummy could have come to find you sooner and made it all better in that silly head of yours." She tuts, then turns to look pitifully at Daniel; "Such a shame you had to involve this man in what doth not concern him."

The teenager's attempts at speech grow more desperate, her body writhing in the witch's smoke prison.

With a sigh, the witch waves her hand; "You wish to make a plea for him, child?"

The gag of smoke over Silver's lips dissolves.

"Please! Please, don't hurt him. I'll do anything, I'll...." She cringes, her smile still stretched but twitching; "I'll be good. I'll be yours, I'll be your daughter, I promise, I won't try to escape again, I swear. Just let him go..."

"And let him share the tale of the dancing girl upon the field? Let him invite spectators to invade our land and hunt for a sight of you like a prize deer?"

"He won't tell anyone! He won't!"

Daniel tries his best to nod but the creature is pinning him with all his bestial strength. No way would he speak a word of this, he'd end up in a mental ward for the rest of his life.

"And I should trust his word? The word of one who belongs to the Church that hunted our kind to near extinction?!"

"Trust me! Please! I know I don't deserve it and I know I...I broke the promise I made before but...this time, I mean it. I'll stay. I'll be your good girl, forever, I just don't wanna see you hurt anyone else for me, please!"

The girl's voice is broken with years of anguish and captivity. Conditioning, maybe.

The witch sighs; "Be that all?"

Silver nods, a tiny squeak like a frightened mouse leaving her.

"Oh, my darling girl. My precious little'en. You should have said." She stroks the girl's hair tenderly; "You understand why I get so heated like this, don't you? T'is only 'cause I care. Because I love ye so much."

"I know..." the girl nods, indulging her.

"And you be aware of what I has lost. Your da, your brother, your godmum, my dignity, my life...It all were ripped away from me. But not you." The witch cradles the girls face in her hands; "Nothing willst ever take ye from me again, my beloved daughter. My heart. My world. I will do anything to make you happy. And all I ask, is that you remain mine."

"I will. I promise. I'll be yours."

"I'll be yours...?" The witch tilts her head.

Silver gulps, willing her smile to stretch wider.

"I'll be yours, Mummy."

The witch smiles. She kisses the girl's brow with her lipless mouth.

"That's my girl. My Silver. Don't you worry now. Mummy won't let you have to watch anymore awful things I has to do to keep you safe. Thems not be for little eyes." She says as if talking to a girl half Silver's age.

"Th-thank you, Mummy..." She's shaking now. Blood drops down from her chin onto the tendril around her, passing through to her own chest.

The witch clicks her tongue.

"Your head must be ever so sore, darling. Let Mummy fix it."

Silver shakes her head; "No...No, I can bear it, please. I don't want to forge-."

"Shhh. Rest now. Mummy knows best."

More smoke rises up as the witch lifts her hands over the girl's eyes. Daniel watches it slither into her bleeding ears. She fights a little, then goes still, the tension fading from around her eyes, her smile seeming less forced. A giggle leaves her, and it rings with true joy, not a scratch of desperation or fear.

Silver leans into her mother's hand as she's released from the binds.

"Hello, Mummy...Did I fall asleep again?"

"Just a little, my love. You're back home now. Mummy's got you. And look at you in your lovely dress! How beautiful you be, sweetheart!"

Silver giggles and twirls once more. This time it's plain to see she really does believe she's wearing something other than punk-gothic alternate clothes or whatever they are. She is back under her mother's spell.

Her eyes turn in Daniel's direction.

"Is someone with us, Mummy? Someone new?" She stretches her hand in his direction, "Did the sweet beast catch me a friend?"

Daniel's heart misses a beat.

"No, darling girl. Not a friend. An intruder. No one you have to concern yourself with." The witch explains, gently.

"Oh? B-but why-."

"No buts, little one. Let Mummy deal with this. You have important work to do, remember? I need you to go on a quest to the lake and retrieve the sword from the lady who dwell in the centre." She explains with a sense of urgency; "Can you do that for me, please?"

"Of course! Anything for you, Mummy!"

It's as if someone else crawled inside the girl's body and replaced the troubled but self-aware young adult within who had vouched for his safety moments before.

The witch pats her captive's head and pretends to place a cloak around her shoulders; "Be very careful and remember not to talk to anyone. They may seem like a friend but many a dark fae will attempt to avert you from your goal."

"Okay, Mummy. I won't let you down."

"You never do, my precious." The witch says sweetly; "Now run along."

Daniel screams against the creature's fist in his mouth. Please! Miss! Don't leave him!

She pauses.

"That intruder sure sounds feisty, Mummy."

"He's just upset because he came so close to taking you from me. But our dear beast stopped him. Don't think on him anymore, darling, focus on your quest and enjoy your adventure."

"Oh...okay, Mummy..."

As Daniel watches the girl skip off through the trees, he somehow knows that she's taking any hope of him leaving this land in one piece with her.

Once Silver is out of sight, the witch snaps her fingers.

The beast pulls Daniel upright, in a kneeling position, knees digging his ankles to the ground. He blinks up at the hideous charred skeleton.

"I'll allow him to speak." She declares and the beast removes his fist.

Daniel gasps.

"Please. Please let me go. You...You promised her that you wouldn't-."

"All that I promised was that my little girl woulds not have to watch me deal with you." She sneers; "That be all I said."

He hears the beast chuckle coldly behind him.

"I...I'm sorry for any offense...I only wanted to help. She asked-."

"Oh really? That be all? You dids not lust over her young, beautiful body? You felt no incling of desire?"

"What?! No! I'm a man of God!"

"Men of God have committed worse atrocities. I should know." She growls down at him; "My daughter has a soft heart. One that never had to suffer the trials and torment mine own did. She is a rose amongst a world of thorns and I will shred the skies apart to protect her!"

Daniel begins to pray, silently, his head bowed. There was no way to reason with a demon like this. She was consumed with a single crazed focus to keep this poor lost spirit she had claimed as her own.

"Yes, let us see if Jesus protects his priests more than his flock. For he certainly did not come to save me from the flames." The witch growls. Her hands form into black wafts again; "But perhaps you are worthy of my daughter's request for mercy. It is time for your judgement, Father."

Daniel gasps as those jet black limbs swarm around his head and plunge through his cranium and deep, deep into his brain. To his memories.

Every. Single....

Oh God. No.

Stop, please...

"Oh dear. It seems we have ourselves a hypocrit." The witch hisses, causing the beast to grizzle as well; "How many times did thou make young'uns like my daughter feel ashamed for loving who they want? How many weddings did you refuse to bless? How many lost girls with unwanted pregnancies dids you make feel ashamed?!"

The embers multiply greatly, crackling like popcorn, Daniel having to blink to avoid the sparks hitting his eyes.

"I...That was a long time ago...I've changed-."

"And yet, you carried the greatest shame. The pain you caused that sweet girl who came to you for help. The one who saught only comfort and you, having drowned your bitter loses in communion wine, chose to-."

"It was a mistake! Things got out of hand. B-but I prayed for forgiveness. From both her and God. S-she granted it to me-."

"Because you told her that's what good Christian girls do! They let go, they forgive...They don't need to seek the justice of the law, not for matters of the church. You are as riddled with sin as any you have had the gall to judge, Father! And you dared to approach my beautiful, innocent daughter."

Angry, red flames ignite from the witch's skeletal palms.

Daniel whimpers; "I didn't know! I didn't know!"

"Your church may have hid you away from retribution...But you be in my temple now. And I be the sword of every wronged girl who hath existed!"

The smoke surrounding them heats up to an unbearable temperature. It's like he's trapped being held over a firepit, roasting on a spit. The lake of fire. Oh, God. Oh God. Oh God.

All Daniel can do is pray.

-

Nearly a week later, two police officers enter the burn ward of the local hospital. They've been informed that the patient they're coming to meet is in a state to talk. Barely.

What awaits them is a ghastly sight. They'd seen the photos of the Vicar who had been attacked and left for dead outside the infamous manor. It was impossible to recognise the husk in the bed before them as the same person. Deep claw marks across his face and chest as if mauled by some savage bear. But that wasn't all. Third and fourth degree burns covered his entire body. Every strand of hair was gone. Most of him was covered in bandages, what charred skin was visible wrinkled and crisp.

"Father Jones? I'm DCI Cambell and this is DI Shanon. Your doctor said you want to give the name of the one who assaulted you six nights ago." The officer explained.

Daniel gave a weak nod. Even that tiny motion caused a sting of pain. Thankfully they were dosing him with plenty of morphine, but he needed a little less to be coherent enough to try to explain.

He needed to tell them. The world needed to know what was out there. What did this.

"In your own time, Father. If you know their name, please tell us." Said the other officer. "Who did this?"

Daniel's jaw stretched. He strained his larynx and pushed through to utter a single word;

"...Mummy."

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.