#depression is an unmet need for nourishment?

[radical-revolution]

"We are approaching the threshold of winter.

Life is being drawn into the earth, painlessly descending down into the very heart of herself.

And we as natural human animals are being called to do the same, the pull to descend into our bodies, into sleep, darkness, and the depths of our own inner caves continually tugging at our marrow.

But many find the descent into their own body a scary thing indeed, fearing the unmet emotions and past events that they have stored in the dark caves inside themselves, not wanting to face what they have so carefully and unkindly avoided.

This winter solstice time is no longer celebrated as it once was, with the understanding that this period of descent into our own darkness was so necessary in order to find our light. That true freedom comes from accepting with forgiveness and love what we have been through and vanquishing the hold it has on us, bringing the golden treasure back from the cave of our darker depths.

This is a time of rest and deep reflection, a time to wipe the slate clean as it were and clear out the old so you can walk into spring feeling ready to grow and skip without a dusty mountain on your back & chains around your ankles tied to the caves in your soul.

A time for the medicine of story, of fire, of nourishment and love.

A period of reconnecting, relearning & reclaiming of what this time means brings winter back to a time of kindness, love, rebirth, peace, and unburdening instead of a time of dread, fear, depression, and avoidance.

This modern culture teaches avoidance at a max at this time; alcohol, lights, shopping, overworking, overspending, bad food, and consumerism.

And yet the natural tug to go inwards as nearly all creatures are doing is strong and people are left feeling as if there is something wrong with them, that winter is cruel and leaves them feeling abandoned and afraid. Whereas in actual fact winter is so kind, yes she points us in her quiet soft way towards our inner self, towards the darkness and potential death of what we were, but this journey if held with care is essential.

She is like a strong teacher that asks you to awaken your inner loving elder or therapist, holding yourself with awareness of forgiveness and allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, rage, laugh, & face what we need to face in order to be freed from the jagged bonds we wrapped around our hearts, in order to reach a place of healing & light without going into overwhelm.

Winter takes away the distractions, the noise and presents us with the perfect time to rest and withdraw into a womb-like love, bringing fire and light to our hearth"

Brigit Anna McNeill

Art: Bedtime Stories by Jessica Boehman

[cancerjupiter]

astrology notes: moon’s origins edition (pt. 2)

moon in libra

libra moons crave the idealized experience of beauty and peace; you seek to co-operate with others, to please, and to establish one-to-one relationships which are mutually gratifying. you also find satisfaction in using your minds, particularly your power of objectivity. a parent who valued you highly and enjoyed pleasing you; who encouraged your aesthetic and intellectual development, and who was willing and able to appreciate your points of view, may have helped you to become attuned to the positive dimensions of a libra moon. 

if, however, your moon is in difficult aspect, or if its trines or sextiles suggest a parent who was only superficially available to you, you may attempt to gain from a partner what you could never experience from our parents. you may become overly dependent upon others, seeking to win their favor by being indispensable and satisfying their every desire. you 're also inclined to avoid confronting our anger and pain, suppressing emotions because you fear any threat to your relationships which might force you to acknowledge your aloneness. these patterns were probably by a parent figure who placed too much emphasis upon appearance or surface harmony, who could not tolerate discord, or who led you to believe that relationship equals subordinating oneself to another. such a mother or father may have brought many unfulfilled needs into parenting, expecting you to compensate for deficiencies he or she experienced in childhood or marriage. 

although your libra moons suggest that your emotional fulfillment requires mutually significant relationships with others, you can only build satisfying connections by first developing a secure relationship with yourselves, accepting as valid your own feelings and needs, and being willing to assert yourselves, even when it means experiencing temporary discord for the sake of more authentic contact. you need to apply your openmindedness and capacity to identify with many points of view in relation to both yourselves, and others - to listen to and affirm each of your internal needs, willingly entering disharmony and imbalance when necessary to create a more enduring harmony and balance which is so vital to you. you need to honor your libran need for beauty and peace, creating environments and relationships which truly soothe and uplift you. 

moon in scorpio

this moon shows you value your privacy; you are capable of considerable emotional intensity and passion; and you need to probe beneath the surface of experience to truly connect with something. when your feelings are denied or your needs unmet, you may easily resort to detrimental scorpio behavior patterns - obsessions with sexuality or money, expressions of revenge or destruction, or demanding and manipulative behaviors. one of the difficulties of a scorpio moon is related to the fear of losing control or surrendering. because of this fear, you may deny or conceal the softer, vulnerable facets of yourselves, preventing yourselves from experiencing the genuine connection you seek. 

you may have internalized messages from your parents which enabled you to develop resourcefulness, endurance and strength of character, and the power to plumb the depths of experience. your sexuality may have been awakened early through the intensity of friendly or family interactions (this doesn’t mean abuse; but sex was one outlet your intense feelings found to let themselves go), so you were forced to come to terms with your own life and death force. a scorpionic parent, however, may have negatively influenced your ability to receive nurturance and to nourish yourselves. perhaps such a parent was hostile and disciplinary, so you developed considerable mistrust and learned to hide your feelings. they may have been dominating, intrusive or sexually provocative, leading you to fear being possessed or overpowered. coldness or stoicism, as manifested in a 'be tough' attitude, may have prevented your internal child from receiving the tenderness and care you needed. sometimes a scorpio moon suggests the premature death of a parent, or a premature confrontation with realities of death or violence. 

you have the power to re-parent yourselves by recovering, accepting and expressing your feelings and emotional needs, not just your sexual desires. you need to contact your core, to possess yourselves rather than others, and to learn how to channel your passion constructively. one task of your scorpionic moon is that of discovering your inner power and drawing upon your own capacities to meet your needs rather than manipulating others to give you what you are unable or unwilling to give yourselves.

moon in sagittarius

if you have a sagittarian moon, you need to be free to expand your boundaries - to discover and actualize possibilities, to travel, and / or to develop your own understanding of things. you have a generous heart and seek to give from your own bounty; you also seek to rise above your difficulties through humor and friendship.

when your real needs aren’t met, or when you come into contact with feelings or desires which threaten you, you may express your sagittarian nature in a defensive or twisted manner - procrastinating or avoiding immediate issues by focusing upon the future, abstract realms or escapism (daydreaming); becoming preoccupied with ideals or goals rather than current tasks; intellectualizing or philosophizing incessantly; joking inappropriately; or moving restlessly from activity to activity or person to person on an endless quest both to escape from responsibility and to fulfill your inner emptiness.

most probably, your mother or significant parent figure provided you with a constructive philosophical framework by which to view life, and imbued you with a love of both internal and external exploration. but such a parent may have been fearful of emotional closeness and taken refuge in themselves rather than responding to your actual needs or feelings or to the difficulties or burdens you experienced. they may have indulged you rather than given you real nourishment. they may have preached rather than gently taught, issuing 'shoulds' or religious principles which may don’t keep up with your own nature and development.

those with moon in sag may need to reparent yourselves by creating your own philosophy and morality apart from your parents and by using your philosophy to help you come to terms with rather than suppress your feelings and needs. your tasks may also include learning to give to yourselves and others, developing the internal freedom capable of existing within limitations and commitments, and discovering and maintaining contact with the god you believe in (if you do), the universe within or whichever internal guiding spirit which leads and inspires you.

moon in capricorn

those of you with a capricorn moon (me!) need the security of organization and structure, and the satisfaction of maintaining commitments and achieving your aims. you take pride in your work and want recognition for your accomplishments. capricorn is the position of the moon's detriment (i know. i know.) and is therefore a particularly difficult position for experiencing emotional nourishment and developing self-nurturing behaviors. when feelings and needs emerge, you may not even allow them fully to enter your consciousness. you may be too afraid of your vulnerability or weakness, and too judgemental of your inner child. repression of the deeper facets of yourselves may lead you to wallow in depression, negativity or self-criticism, to work incessantly, or to isolate yourselves from fulfilling connections with other people. you may continually give ourselves 'be tough' messages which support your self-sufficiency but prevent the real connection with your feelings which makes close relationships possible. 

it is most likely that a parental figure helped you to learn to control your emotions, take responsibility for yourselves and make adult rather than childish decisions; and also provided the consistency and safety you needed to feel secure. however, having a capricorn moon suggests that you could never give free rein to your feelings, and that you probably did not receive much tender nurturance (i did, but it was from another parent; mixed messages can make your feelings even more blurry). your parent may have been cold and rejecting; they may have neglected you or told that your feelings and needs had little value. perhaps they were also a perfectionist you could not satisfy, and whose acceptance was conditional upon notable achievement and success. as a result, you may feel a sense of worth only for what you accomplish, but not for who you are. 

moons in capricorn, you need to create their own standards for yourselves apart from your parents' standards, and to give up compensatory striving which does not meet our genuine needs. your task involves developing an internal source of security and giving yourselves the validation and recognition you may have originally sought from others. you may only experience the fulfillment you seek when, by accepting your feelings and needs and allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, you discover strength and self-sufficiency which embraces rather than denies the sensitivity of your inner child.    

moon in aquarius

your aquarian moon shows that you need to experience and express your individuality, to be free to interact with a wide range of people, and to use your intuitive, inventive and abstract mental capacities, and to contribute meaningfully to society. the energies of aquarius do not mesh easily with the cancerian moon principle. you may have difficulty acknowledging and validating your desires and feelings, and fear closeness and intimacy. when threatened by emerging emotions or needs, you may rationalize or intellectualize, may rebel or loudly proclaim your self-sufficiency, or may become overly preoccupied with meaningless shit. sometimes, moon in aquarius may lead you to make sudden abrupt changes in our lives to overcome the internal suffocation of too much closeness or intimacy with another person and / or lifestyle. cultivating a network of friends, and dedicating yourselves to a cause in which you believe, may fulfill you, but may also be a compensation for unmet personal needs. 

it is most likely that a parent encouraged your aquarian qualities. they may have been intellectual, humanitarian and individualistic, and supported these traits in yourselves. you learned to take pride in your uniqueness and originality, and in your social and mental skills. however, such a parent may also have been emotionally detached or cold, and unable to nurture you physically or emotionally, while remaining responsive to large groups of people and social involvements which were less restrictive and emotionally demanding than ties to you. one or both of your parents may have been erratic when relating to you, so you could not develop trust in stable relationships, and learned at an early age to defend against intimacy. 

you who have aquarian moons need to experience and value your own uniqueness, while simultaneously creating for yourselves your own society of intimates, one in which your emotional needs are respected and met rather than suppressed. you need to develop and trust your intuition, and to use your minds to help you understand your feelings and discover how to meet your needs, rather than escape from them. other tasks of your moon involve cultivating the internal freedom which results from full openness to your emotional natures and learning to be your own friend rather than submerging ourselves in social interactions because of your discomfort with yourselves. you can only have yourself.

moon in pisces

having this placement means that you need space in your lives to drift and to dream, relationships based upon empathic bonds, and openness to sources of inspiration inside and outside yourselves. the water energy of the moon is easily expressed, and sometimes overly emphasized, by a pisces moon. when you experience your feelings and needs, you may even indulge them through long bouts of crying, self-pity, or elicitations of sympathy from other people. with or without awareness, you may seek to escape from yourselves through fantasy or idealization, or through such addictions as alcohol or drugs. many of you with pisces moons may vicariously experience your feelings and satisfy your needs by continually focusing upon the feelings and needs of others and devoting ourselves to their welfare. 

a parent who was a piscean influence most probably responded sensitively and compassionately to you and encouraged your inspirational temperament. however, if your Moon is afflicted, such a parent may also have had a detrimental influence upon you. they may have overindulged you, catering to your aches and pains, or too frequently played the victim, giving to you wholeheartedly but also invoking guilt or seeking complete dedication in return. they may have been hypochondriacal, or of an ethereal nature which could not easily come to terms with physical reality. a piscean parent may have been victim to their own addictions, or tangled in dreams or fantasies and not fully emotionally or physically present. 

moon in pisces may need to learn how to respond constructively to your own feelings and needs, to serve yourselves and give to yourselves rather than attempt to lose yourselves in others. often, because you suffer from a spiritual discontent, you may have difficulty accepting and adapting to the realities of an earthly existence; you need to translate your visions into action, to live those dreams which are viable, forging a link between your practical and spiritual or creative natures. you may seek to experience oneness in close relationships, but you are not likely to know wholly that oneness unless you cultivate your attunement to your own creative and / or spiritual source, and open your hearts to the fullness of both the love and the pain within you.    

[cyanpeacock]

Time for a little reductionism.

There are three paths in life.

1. It is fundamentally negative.

2. It is fundamentally neutral.

3. It is fundamentally good.

You're likely to walk all these paths, at some point or another. Think hell/purgatory/heaven, or Hekate at the triple crossroads, or the Maiden, Mother, and Crone... whichever triumverate fits your belief system.

Feelings can be physical, as in, bodily sensations, or cognitive, as in, shaped by your thoughts.

Thoughts can evolve and change. There are logical arguments for every catastrophic thought you might have, and logical arguments against.

The goal of meditation, DBT skills, therapy, counselling, even the scientific method, and so on, is to give you the ability to make these arguments yourself. You can cognitively regulate all that arises in the body or mind (allelic dysfunction omitted, because that's where psychiatry and pharmaceuticals come into it).

Say you have chronic pain, and it hurts like hell. This might lead you to believe life is fundamentally bad, and that you want an end sooner rather than later.

Pain can be managed through dissociation. Dissociation can be generated through cognition (or the controlled absence of it). Numbness of feeling leads to relaxation, which leads to the relief of pain, or at least relief from the perception of it.

Relief changes your perception of life. Sustained relief can change it profoundly.

Humans have a cycle to relief. It's a little different for everyone - we call it the circadian (approximately-24-hours) rhythm.

So, feeling the goodness in life requires identifying your cycle.

When do you wake best?

When do you work best?

On what do you work? Does it give you interest and attention?

At what times do you eat, and what do you do with your post-prandial dip (after-eating sleepiness)?

When do you sleep best?

Where do you do all these things?

How much movement do you do in a day?

Are you getting the right balance of macronutrients and micronutrients?

Are you spiritually nourished with a philosphical system(s), as well as physically nourished?

Life can be very difficult when you're young, if you aren't naturally inclined to favour attention to your bodily sensations (e.g. because of traumatic experiences, a neurodivergence, or painful genetic condition like osteoporosis or Ehlers-Danlos syndrome). Instinctively, you'd rather escape your body through cognition. Maybe you stayed up all night reading as a kid, because to try and settle down quietly was uncomfortable or painful, despite an awareness your body needs to sleep.

As kids, we don't have enough information to make the logical arguments to cognitively regulate discomfort and pain, and it's easy to either dwell on them, or dissociate from bodily sensations to a degree where your thoughts are in a spin and your mind can't calm down enough to let the body rest. Obsession vs. distraction.

As adults, we've gathered more information, and the rate of growth and hormonal change has stabilised and become familiar. We also become familiarised with our brains, and the circuits that tend to habitually fire. We get to know ourselves, and recognise our habitual patterns, shaped by the environments we have been given and sought.

Habitual patterns can be changed, once they are noticed. The thought "life is bad" can be countered with "life is good" (and yes, the precursor of "what is bad/good?" is another argument, but let's take it to be Maslow's hierarchy - it is good to self-actualize, and bad to have needs unmet or insufficiently met).

This leads you to a place of cognitive neutrality. It doesn't feel great, but it doesn't feel horrible, either. It's just a question that can be proven or disproven - a null hypothesis.

We don't like being neutral for long. We want proof or disproof of the neutral perspective. Living things want to feel good, as in, have their needs met, giving them the freedom to wander, wonder, and appreciate the beauty in their surroundings.

Over time, once the counterpoint is constructed, a mind makes the argument for life being bad less and less, until a need is unmet. One can get used to needs being unmet and maintain the "right" philosophical standpoint for survival in dire conditions, although it might not feel "good" - this might be described as ascetism. However, one probably shouldn't and won't, where needs can be met - because you have come to know "better," as in, what makes your body specifically feel better.

So, in this manner, health can be managed. OCD can be countered, BPD can be regulated, the worst of some forms of bipolar can be mitigated, anxiety can be relieved, depression can be lifted.

Growing your own neuronal networks and firing the impulses you want to (as well as getting comfortable with the ones you don't) takes time. Plenty of people will try to change you to fit their normal. Part of the process is learning that individual bodies' normals (including memories!) do not always agree, so you should find and talk to the ones who support and add to yours, rather than subtracting from it, and to hold your own when you must speak with a challenge.

That said, it may be the more effective means of coping over pharmaceutical drugs. A highly sensitive body responds better to its endogenous ligand (natural molecule) than a replacement, exogenous ligand from outside. On a physical level, the kinetics of dissociation and association of the endogenous ligand are the body's "normal." We just have to make the impulses work for our wellbeing.

If the "normal" is truly unattainable (significant allelic variation), or temporarily unattainable (environmental hardship, changes in epigenetic expression), an exogenous ligand can be applied. It won't have the same effect, because of differing chemical structures, and this is why we get side effects. The receptors get hit slightly wrong, and the pathways fire a bit funny, which has implications for the rest of your body as well as your mind.

Side effects may be bearable. They may be unbearable. You will form a perception and a judgement of the effect of application of an endogenous ligand, and pick the path that is right for your homeostasis, your maintenance of your understanding of "normal," or to fashion a path that returns you to your "normal" (your best epigenetic expression and physical patterns).

We've got a lot of language for attaining the normal, "right" perspective. There's "feeling right." There's "nirvana." There's possessing the "Sight." There's "recovery." It's all about directing energy flow to your will, and knowing the functional bounds of mind and body (which may not be the actual bounds, say, if you have a connective tissue disorder, or a predisposition to emotional intensity).

So, find the structures you have. Do you know about Wiccan practice? The Christian God? Science? Maths? Literature?

Know your language. All that you know can be related using a series of logical connectives and grammatical structures. Assume there is no mutual exclusivity here, because all of this exists, even if it hasn't been fully explained by science. Even a psychotic or psychedelic experience has basis in the physical reality of matter and energy. Your subjective, internal reality is real, because it is here.

This is hard in English, because it's often structured illogically and still understood, but remember irrationality too is part of an equation. Remember 2πr, from geometry in school? Pi is an irrational number. It's okay, and important, to be irrational sometimes! You'll find the integers, or points, that you require a return to.

You are part of the process. Numerically, you are supposed to be here. The cost-benefit analysis for your body favours you.

Hello, world.

[you-are-another-me]

We are approaching the threshold of winter. Life is being drawn into the earth, painlessly descending down into the very heart of herself. And we as natural human animals are being called to do the same, the pull to descend into our bodies, into sleep, darkness and the depths of our own inner caves continually tugging at our marrow. But many find the descent into their own body a scary thing indeed, fearing the unmet emotions and past events that they have stored in the dark caves inside themselves, not wanting to face what they have so carefully and unkindly avoided. This winter solstice time is no longer celebrated as it once was, with the understanding that this period of descent into our own darkness was so necessary in order to find our light. That true freedom comes from accepting with forgiveness and love what we have been through and vanquishing the hold it has on us, bringing the golden treasure back from the cave of our darker depths. This is a time of rest and deep reflection, a time to wipe the slate clean as it were and clear out the old so you can walk into spring feeling ready to grow and skip without a dusty mountain on your back & chains around your ankles tied to the caves in your soul. A time for the medicine of story, of fire, of nourishment and love. A period of reconnecting, relearning & reclaiming of what this time means brings winter back to a time of kindness, love, rebirth, peace and unburdening instead of a time of dread, fear, depression and avoidance. This modern culture teaches avoidance at a max at this time; alcohol, lights, shopping, overworking, over spending, bad food and consumerism. And yet the natural tug to go inwards as nearly all creatures are doing is strong and people are left feeling as if there is something wrong with them, that winter is cruel and leaves them feeling abandoned and afraid. Whereas in actual fact winter is so kind, yes she points us in her quiet soft way towards our inner self, towards the darkness and potential death of what we were, but this journey if held with care is essential. She is like a strong teacher that asks you to awaken your inner loving elder or therapist, holding yourself with awareness of forgiveness and allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, rage, laugh, & face what we need to face in order to be freed from the jagged bonds we wrapped around our hearts, in order to reach a place of healing & light without going into overwhelm. Winter takes away the distractions, the noise and presents us with the perfect time to rest and withdraw into a womb like love, bringing fire & light to our hearth. •illustration by Jessica Boehman• •words Brigit Anna McNeill•

[rxgueagent-blog]

Secret Language ⚜ The Way of Tenderness ⚜  Part III/VI

Date: November 12th - 18th Advice: Be mindful of what is important in life, of what endures and holds lasting value.

Suggestions: Listen to the old scripts that may be playing in your mind. What are they telling you about your feelings? Allow yourself to express your emotions, no matter what the consequences. Realise the rewards of learning how to give.

Their goal: To achieve an awareness of their emotional connection to others.

Must release: The fear of expression feelings.

   Those born during the Way of Tenderness must release their need to be in control and go in search of their inner sensitivity. They often spend most of their energy seeking career advancement, to the detriment of their emotional life. One day, they must open up to their own feeling nature. Learning to be tender with their burgeoning albeit inchoate emotional life will help them discover their capacity to offer tenderness to others. Being aware of and valuing emotional connections to others is their goal. Ultimately, building and caring for a family—whether a traditional one with a spouse and children or one made up of friends or coworkers—will be their fulfilment.    These are born executives. They take charge and like to be in control. Structure, standards, and ironclad rules are second nature to them. Though born to rule, they are not necessarily born to lead. While they lack the fiery, charismatic passion required for true leadership, they are excellent managers. They are adept at implementing the plans of others, understanding technological needs and how to put them into place, maximising efficiency, and choosing the right people for the right jobs. In matters of finance and money management, they are especially gifted. More than committed, they will see whatever they dedicate themselves to through to the very end. Steadfast in who they are, they rarely question themselves. So sure are they of themselves that they won’t stand for criticism or resistance to their authority. They require and expect respect. Theirs is a rare no-nonsense, cool, yet capable approach to life. In fact, if unevolved, they can be ruthless.    While being in authority is second nature for them, rarely do they take responsibility in the realm of feelings, whether their own or others. They can be hard on people, expecting much of them and rarely understanding when emotional needs get in the way of fulfilling what they consider to be duty. It is their nature to “manage” feelings. Not surprisingly, this cold, detached type of management only infuriates those close to them since it has little to do with the recognition and understanding—the empathy—that others crave. However, as tough as they are on others, they are hardest on themselves. They do not forgive their own mistakes or flaws and, true workaholics, push themselves relentlessly to achieve their lofty goals or ambitions, sacrificing their personal life along the way. So focused are they that they have little patience for their own needs or moods, finding them inconvenient, and tend to ignore or repress their feelings rather than deal with them. Somewhere in their background is a stern disciplinarian, usually a father, who simply wouldn’t put up with emotional displays, perceiving them to be weakness. Raised to disdain any expression of softness or tenderness, they are often locked into a rather rigid approach to life, one that leaves both their emotional needs and those of their loved ones unmet.    These people must get in touch with their feelings. Becoming less demanding of themselves, and more understanding of the side of them that experiences life emotionally, and treating their feelings with honour as opposed to derision, will enable they to be tender with themselves. Opening up in this way is a whole new experience for them, one that initially won’t feel particularly comfortable since their internal script tells them that the feeling realm is a dangerous quagmire, one best left buried within. The first order of business is to conquer the fears associated with any expression of emotion. The second is to reawaken childhood memories and examine the patterns created then. As they release the internalised figures of their parents and their scripts, they can recreate new, positive parental figures within themselves. Taking responsibility for their emotional lives and rebuilding their emotional foundations in this manner means that they can begin to nurture, nourish, and protect their own more vulnerable, feeling side, thus allowing themselves to feel safe enough to allow the expression of this side of themselves. As they learn to connect with their feelings, they will come to understand how to connect with others as well.    Their core lesson is to learn how to become gentle and tender, both to themselves and to others. Relaxing their rigidity, softening their demeanour and manner of expression, and worrying less about rules, rationality, and what’s practical will help they give up their strict, uncompromising approach. As they place more value on feeling and instinct and become aware of its importance both for themselves and as a basis of connection to others, they can transform their role as authority figure from that of stern disciplinarian to loving parent. Supporting the growth of others, protecting them and their feelings, giving others the sense that they won’t be judged or faulted for making mistakes, and not expecting people to be other than who they are, are their goals. Simply cultivating empathy and understanding will enable them to succeed. In return, they will begin to feel a sense of belonging, of family, and of connectedness to human beings in general that they never experienced before. A great sense of joy will accompany this transformation, since, on an unconscious level, they often feel very alone. Though it may sound like a cliché, the phrase “It’s lonely at the top” never applied more to anyone. As they learn to give to others on an emotional level, their deep feelings of loneliness will fall away.    Since they prefer security to change, progress may be slow. Some may opt for material security and ambition rather than seeking emotional growth. Should this occur, they risk withdrawing further and further into an ivory tower, one where repressed feelings manifest themselves as fears and insecurities that take increasing control of their lives. Thus, it is sometimes necessary for some cataclysmic event to occur before they awaken to their feelings. Initially, such an event may be a debilitating depression, one that prevents them from fulfilling their duties. Such an inward withdrawal is actually the first sign of renewal. Such an experience may result in a flash of realisation or another type of epiphany that hurtles them from their high detachment down into the soup of humanity. Another scenario may be an experience of passionate love that overwhelms their ego boundaries to become obsession. Having limited experience with how to handle their feelings, they may certainly flounder in a sea of conflicting emotion once they give their feelings free rein. A caring and professional therapist or psychoanalyst could prove immeasurably useful.    It may be necessary for them to examine the nature of all their relationships, not just those with their family of origin. It is common for them to create friendships or marry simply to increase their social standing or further their ambitions. Here we find the person who marries the boss’s child to get ahead. They must transform their personal relationships into true intimacies, involving nurture, support, and the expression of affection. Moving in such a direction in their relationships will often cause their emotional life to blossom, and they will then shower those around them with positive energy and joy. Ultimately, those who have virtually abandoned their families to their career ambitions must return to the fold and find the right balance between work and home life. In fact, building their own family with a strong emotional core is crucial to them as a symbol that they have left their personal history behind. Having evolved and having come full circle, they will dedicate themselves not to fulfilling their ambitions, but, rather, to those they love. “Once again—with feeling” could be the directive here.    Like Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens’s tale “A Christmas Carol,” those born during the Way of Tenderness must understand all the ways in which they have shut themselves off from human feelings and the effect this may have had on those around them. As they look back on their early lives and their own young selves with compassion, they will experience a softening. Ultimately, a wonderful tenderness will become their mode of being in the world and, in much the same way that Scrooge comes to care for Tiny Tim, so will they learn to nurture, support, and respect those they love.

[ x ]

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Therapists Share Their Favorite Meaningful Self-Care Tips

Self-care has many different definitions. It simply depends on who you ask. But what usually doesn’t differ is that self-care is about nourishing ourselves—and it’s absolutely vital.

As psychotherapist Emily Griffiths, LPC, said, “The opposite of self-care is self-neglect.” And “neglecting our emotional and physical health leads to increased anxiety, depression, and physical illness.”

She noted that self-care is about knowing our limits and not depleting our nervous system. “When we lose sight of our self-care practices, we can experience burn-out,” which “sets ourselves up for getting sick, overwhelmed, and exhausted.”

Psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, defines self-care as “the surprisingly difficult—for many of us—process of stepping aside from the busyness of life, evaluating how we’re doing emotionally, physically, and mentally, and then taking steps to meet any unmet needs.”

Psychotherapist Ashley Thorn, LMFT, defines self-care as doing “healthy things, in any aspect of your life, that ‘fill your cup.’” These are things that make you feel focused, calm, happy and true to yourself, she said.

Similarly, Kirsten Brunner, MA, LPC, a perinatal mental health and relationship expert, views self-care as “any activity or choice that allows a person to replenish, rejuvenate or reserve energy.” It is about prioritizing our needs so we can be “fully present when caring for or connecting with others.”

Psychotherapist Ariella Cook-Shonkoff emphasized that self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. “It can be as simple as starting the day with some stretching or making a choice not to go out one night because you are sick.”

Small and simple are especially key when you’re in a busy season of life, such as being a new parent. Brunner is the cofounder of the website and workshop series Baby Proofed Parents, which delivers sanity-saving and relationship-strengthening tools to expectant and new parents. She encourages parents to find self-care when and where you can. “[L]ook for small opportunities to refuel your gas tanks.”

These small opportunities might be reading a magazine in the bathroom for a few minutes while your spouse is with the baby. It might be getting out of the house for an hour and wandering around Target. It might be playing nine holes of golf. It might be watching a movie on the couch while eating takeout.

“Self-care is representative of two of the most important pillars of psychological health: the relationship you have with yourself and the relationships you have with others,” said Griffiths, who specializes in the treatment of anxiety, depression and trauma in Austin, Texas.

Below, therapists reveal their favorite self-care tips—from specific, soothing actions to significant shifts in perspective.

Schedule self-care like it’s a meeting or appointment. We usually prioritize everything and everyone else over our own self-care, and there’s always something to do, whether at home or at work. Which is why it’s vital to think of self-care as any important activity, said Cook-Shonkoff, a marriage and family therapist and registered art therapist who specializes in treating low self-esteem in kids, teens, and adults in Oakland and Berkeley, Calif.

“When possible, communicate your plan to your partner, roommate, friend, or family member, as they might be a good support.” 

Check in with yourself regularly. Both Thorn and Griffiths stressed the importance of having honest conversations throughout the day about what you truly need and trying to meet those needs. “This in and of itself is self-care,” Thorn said.

How are you feeling? Is there tension anywhere? Are you feeling depleted? Is anything bothering you?

Sometimes, the answer is saying no, engaging in a meaningful project, pulling away from a toxic relationship or taking a break and doing something that relaxes you when you’re stressed out, Thorn said. Sometimes, it’s getting more sleep, taking time to be alone or contemplating a career change, Griffiths said.

Use your commute. Howes is all about self-care that doesn’t add significant amounts of time to your daily routine. Which is why he suggested taking advantage of your commute, something so many of us have to do anyway. Instead of filling that time with stressful news or mindless music, he said, come up with three things you’re grateful for, practice progressive relaxation, or set goals for your day. “Your commute will likely go better, as will the rest of your day.”

Do 5-5-5 breathing. Brunner suggested practicing this kind of deep breathing four or five times in a row in the mornings and evenings. This is especially powerful when you’re stressed out or rushing around, which is when we tend to hyperventilate, she said.

Specifically, this involves breathing in for five seconds, holding for five seconds, and then breathing out for five seconds.

Shift your mindset. Howes noted that seeing our day as stressful, awful and overwhelming can be detrimental to our health. “Try to get in touch with the reasons you joined this relationship or accepted this job in the first place, and try to view the obstacles as opportunities for growth instead of harbingers of the death of the relationship or job,” he said. That is, maybe your job has many challenges, but you love to problem solve.

Invert your body. “We spend so much of our time upright, rushing around with tense shoulders,” Brunner said. She suggested spending 15 minutes lying on your back on the floor with your calves on the sofa. “You’re hydrating and calming your brain at the same time by letting things flow in reverse for a while.”

Look for opportunities in traffic, boredom and sleepless nights. As Howes said, these are all miserable experiences. However, we can use them to engage in self-care. For instance, when you’re stuck in traffic, call a close friend to catch up. When you’re bored, make a plan for the future. When you can’t sleep, practice a meditation you just learned.

“Many of us spend more time and energy complaining about what is than using our resources to make a positive change,” Howes said. How can you turn an irritating experience into a time for self-care?

Adopt a delicious philosophy. We tend to fill our days with time commitments that aren’t fulfilling, foods that don’t taste good, and friendships that are draining, said Brunner, co-author of the forthcoming book Birth Guy’s Go-To Guide for New Dads: How to Support Your Partner Through Birth, Breastfeeding & Beyond. Instead, she encourages her clients “to be more selective in how they fill their homes, time and stomachs.” Choose foods, friends and activities that are delicious to you and say no to anything that makes you feel awful, she said.

Ask for help. Many of us don’t want to burden others, and we’re used to solving problems on our own. However, Howes pointed out that some people really enjoy helping others and collaborating tends to strengthen the relationship. Plus, we can learn a whole lot from our helpers.

For instance, last month Howes was overwhelmed with preparing for a big presentation. He was getting tripped up by all the tech stuff (like PowerPoint). Thankfully, his wife, a PowerPoint pro, and other friends stepped in. “Suddenly, 20+ hours of difficult work with questionable results turned into a couple of hours of work and a higher level of expertise. All I had to do was look around at the people I know and ask for help.”

Get creative. Cook-Shonkoff once heard about the following self-care practice: Every weekday, a man would walk up the steps to his home, and touch the branches of a certain tree in his yard. He’d imagine leaving all his worries from that day inside the tree. This way when he went inside his house, he’d be ready to give his family his undivided attention. The next day he’d gather his worries from the same tree—and find “that they didn’t seem as heavy as the day before.” How can you get creative about your self-care routine?

Seek therapy. Howes believes that therapy is the ultimate form of self-care, because of the profound lasting effects that come from insight and behavior change. Many people avoid therapy “because they feel like therapy is a selfish indulgence they don’t deserve.” If you hold this belief, maybe you can view therapy as something that helps you to help others even more, as you’re working through your issues, he said.

Howes has found that people who have a hard time with practicing self-care tend to have a sinking self-worth. “They deeply believe other people are more important than they are and devote time to others out of devaluation of themselves.”

These beliefs often originate from our childhoods. It can be tremendously helpful to write your own autobiography to see just how powerful that impact has been. And, as Howes emphasized, “It also helps you see yourself as part of an ongoing journey—your story is still being written.”

What do you want to write?

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/therapists-share-their-favorite-meaningful-self-care-tips/

[erraticfairy]

Therapists Share Their Favorite Meaningful Self-Care Tips

Self-care has many different definitions. It simply depends on who you ask. But what usually doesn’t differ is that self-care is about nourishing ourselves—and it’s absolutely vital.

As psychotherapist Emily Griffiths, LPC, said, “The opposite of self-care is self-neglect.” And “neglecting our emotional and physical health leads to increased anxiety, depression, and physical illness.”

She noted that self-care is about knowing our limits and not depleting our nervous system. “When we lose sight of our self-care practices, we can experience burn-out,” which “sets ourselves up for getting sick, overwhelmed, and exhausted.”

Psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, defines self-care as “the surprisingly difficult—for many of us—process of stepping aside from the busyness of life, evaluating how we’re doing emotionally, physically, and mentally, and then taking steps to meet any unmet needs.”

Psychotherapist Ashley Thorn, LMFT, defines self-care as doing “healthy things, in any aspect of your life, that ‘fill your cup.’” These are things that make you feel focused, calm, happy and true to yourself, she said.

Similarly, Kirsten Brunner, MA, LPC, a perinatal mental health and relationship expert, views self-care as “any activity or choice that allows a person to replenish, rejuvenate or reserve energy.” It is about prioritizing our needs so we can be “fully present when caring for or connecting with others.”

Psychotherapist Ariella Cook-Shonkoff emphasized that self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. “It can be as simple as starting the day with some stretching or making a choice not to go out one night because you are sick.”

Small and simple are especially key when you’re in a busy season of life, such as being a new parent. Brunner is the cofounder of the website and workshop series Baby Proofed Parents, which delivers sanity-saving and relationship-strengthening tools to expectant and new parents. She encourages parents to find self-care when and where you can. “[L]ook for small opportunities to refuel your gas tanks.”

These small opportunities might be reading a magazine in the bathroom for a few minutes while your spouse is with the baby. It might be getting out of the house for an hour and wandering around Target. It might be playing nine holes of golf. It might be watching a movie on the couch while eating takeout.

“Self-care is representative of two of the most important pillars of psychological health: the relationship you have with yourself and the relationships you have with others,” said Griffiths, who specializes in the treatment of anxiety, depression and trauma in Austin, Texas.

Below, therapists reveal their favorite self-care tips—from specific, soothing actions to significant shifts in perspective.

Schedule self-care like it’s a meeting or appointment. We usually prioritize everything and everyone else over our own self-care, and there’s always something to do, whether at home or at work. Which is why it’s vital to think of self-care as any important activity, said Cook-Shonkoff, a marriage and family therapist and registered art therapist who specializes in treating low self-esteem in kids, teens, and adults in Oakland and Berkeley, Calif.

“When possible, communicate your plan to your partner, roommate, friend, or family member, as they might be a good support.” 

Check in with yourself regularly. Both Thorn and Griffiths stressed the importance of having honest conversations throughout the day about what you truly need and trying to meet those needs. “This in and of itself is self-care,” Thorn said.

How are you feeling? Is there tension anywhere? Are you feeling depleted? Is anything bothering you?

Sometimes, the answer is saying no, engaging in a meaningful project, pulling away from a toxic relationship or taking a break and doing something that relaxes you when you’re stressed out, Thorn said. Sometimes, it’s getting more sleep, taking time to be alone or contemplating a career change, Griffiths said.

Use your commute. Howes is all about self-care that doesn’t add significant amounts of time to your daily routine. Which is why he suggested taking advantage of your commute, something so many of us have to do anyway. Instead of filling that time with stressful news or mindless music, he said, come up with three things you’re grateful for, practice progressive relaxation, or set goals for your day. “Your commute will likely go better, as will the rest of your day.”

Do 5-5-5 breathing. Brunner suggested practicing this kind of deep breathing four or five times in a row in the mornings and evenings. This is especially powerful when you’re stressed out or rushing around, which is when we tend to hyperventilate, she said.

Specifically, this involves breathing in for five seconds, holding for five seconds, and then breathing out for five seconds.

Shift your mindset. Howes noted that seeing our day as stressful, awful and overwhelming can be detrimental to our health. “Try to get in touch with the reasons you joined this relationship or accepted this job in the first place, and try to view the obstacles as opportunities for growth instead of harbingers of the death of the relationship or job,” he said. That is, maybe your job has many challenges, but you love to problem solve.

Invert your body. “We spend so much of our time upright, rushing around with tense shoulders,” Brunner said. She suggested spending 15 minutes lying on your back on the floor with your calves on the sofa. “You’re hydrating and calming your brain at the same time by letting things flow in reverse for a while.”

Look for opportunities in traffic, boredom and sleepless nights. As Howes said, these are all miserable experiences. However, we can use them to engage in self-care. For instance, when you’re stuck in traffic, call a close friend to catch up. When you’re bored, make a plan for the future. When you can’t sleep, practice a meditation you just learned.

“Many of us spend more time and energy complaining about what is than using our resources to make a positive change,” Howes said. How can you turn an irritating experience into a time for self-care?

Adopt a delicious philosophy. We tend to fill our days with time commitments that aren’t fulfilling, foods that don’t taste good, and friendships that are draining, said Brunner, co-author of the forthcoming book Birth Guy’s Go-To Guide for New Dads: How to Support Your Partner Through Birth, Breastfeeding & Beyond. Instead, she encourages her clients “to be more selective in how they fill their homes, time and stomachs.” Choose foods, friends and activities that are delicious to you and say no to anything that makes you feel awful, she said.

Ask for help. Many of us don’t want to burden others, and we’re used to solving problems on our own. However, Howes pointed out that some people really enjoy helping others and collaborating tends to strengthen the relationship. Plus, we can learn a whole lot from our helpers.

For instance, last month Howes was overwhelmed with preparing for a big presentation. He was getting tripped up by all the tech stuff (like PowerPoint). Thankfully, his wife, a PowerPoint pro, and other friends stepped in. “Suddenly, 20+ hours of difficult work with questionable results turned into a couple of hours of work and a higher level of expertise. All I had to do was look around at the people I know and ask for help.”

Get creative. Cook-Shonkoff once heard about the following self-care practice: Every weekday, a man would walk up the steps to his home, and touch the branches of a certain tree in his yard. He’d imagine leaving all his worries from that day inside the tree. This way when he went inside his house, he’d be ready to give his family his undivided attention. The next day he’d gather his worries from the same tree—and find “that they didn’t seem as heavy as the day before.” How can you get creative about your self-care routine?

Seek therapy. Howes believes that therapy is the ultimate form of self-care, because of the profound lasting effects that come from insight and behavior change. Many people avoid therapy “because they feel like therapy is a selfish indulgence they don’t deserve.” If you hold this belief, maybe you can view therapy as something that helps you to help others even more, as you’re working through your issues, he said.

Howes has found that people who have a hard time with practicing self-care tend to have a sinking self-worth. “They deeply believe other people are more important than they are and devote time to others out of devaluation of themselves.”

These beliefs often originate from our childhoods. It can be tremendously helpful to write your own autobiography to see just how powerful that impact has been. And, as Howes emphasized, “It also helps you see yourself as part of an ongoing journey—your story is still being written.”

What do you want to write?

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2RwpgO3 via theshiningmind.com

[kathrynlovellus]

How to Help Family Members with Anxiety Disorder

Many times anxiety relates to some situational and maturational crises like: Unmet dependency needs, low self esteem, dysfunctional family system, feelings of helplessness and lack of control in life situation, unfulfilled tasks of trust and autonomy. It is also evidences by increase of tension, increased of helplessness, overexcited, apprehensive, fearful, restlessness, poor eye contact, increased difficulty taking oral nourishment and inability to learn. Here are some long-term goals which can help person with anxiety disorder: Be available to stay with the family member with anxiety problem. Remain calm and provide reassurance of safety. Safety and security is your initial priority

The post How to Help Family Members with Anxiety Disorder appeared first on End Loneliness.

source http://endloneliness.net/depression/help-family-members-anxiety-disorder from End Loneliness Net http://endlonelinessnet.blogspot.com/2017/03/how-to-help-family-members-with-anxiety.html

[nancychurchus]

How to Help Family Members with Anxiety Disorder

Many times anxiety relates to some situational and maturational crises like: Unmet dependency needs, low self esteem, dysfunctional family system, feelings of helplessness and lack of control in life situation, unfulfilled tasks of trust and autonomy. It is also evidences by increase of tension, increased of helplessness, overexcited, apprehensive, fearful, restlessness, poor eye contact, increased difficulty taking oral nourishment and inability to learn. Here are some long-term goals which can help person with anxiety disorder: Be available to stay with the family member with anxiety problem. Remain calm and provide reassurance of safety. Safety and security is your initial priority

The post How to Help Family Members with Anxiety Disorder appeared first on End Loneliness.

from End Loneliness http://endloneliness.net/depression/help-family-members-anxiety-disorder from End Loneliness Net https://endlonelinessnet.tumblr.com/post/158903195957

[endlonelinessnet]

How to Help Family Members with Anxiety Disorder

Many times anxiety relates to some situational and maturational crises like: Unmet dependency needs, low self esteem, dysfunctional family system, feelings of helplessness and lack of control in life situation, unfulfilled tasks of trust and autonomy. It is also evidences by increase of tension, increased of helplessness, overexcited, apprehensive, fearful, restlessness, poor eye contact, increased difficulty taking oral nourishment and inability to learn. Here are some long-term goals which can help person with anxiety disorder: Be available to stay with the family member with anxiety problem. Remain calm and provide reassurance of safety. Safety and security is your initial priority

The post How to Help Family Members with Anxiety Disorder appeared first on End Loneliness.

from End Loneliness http://endloneliness.net/depression/help-family-members-anxiety-disorder

[psychotherapyconsultants]

The Generosity of Listening

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” – Epictetus

When we hear the word “generosity,” we may think about donating money and helping the needy. While these can be expressions of a generous heart, there is a more fundamental and soulful way that we can extend generosity in our everyday lives. And it doesn’t cost us any money.

A deep human longing is to be seen, heard, and understood. The epidemic of loneliness and depression in our society can be traced in part to how we often don’t hear each other. Perhaps we’re driven by a fear of survival in a highly competitive society. By the end of the day, we may be exhausted and seek solace in the TV or computer.

We may have grown so accustomed to not being heard, and being criticized and shamed when we’ve tried, that we’ve learned to hold a lot inside. Our feelings and longings go into hiding and atrophy when we’ve given up on them. We shut down our vulnerability, or worse, we turn against it in an attempt to erase all vestiges of being a vulnerable human being. Sadly, when we don’t turn toward each other for support, reassurance, and encouragement, we isolate ourselves. We succumb to the emptiness that derives from removing ourselves from the fabric of life.

We’re wired with a need for human connection. When that need goes unmet, we may give up and seek secondary gratifications, such as for power, fame, or money, which don’t really fill our emptiness or satisfy our deepest yearnings. Or we turn to various addictions to distract us from our painfully unmet longing.

Consequently, we may then lose sensitivity not only to ourselves, but also to the plight of others. This is a sad state of affairs, especially when those in leadership positions promote policies that increase divisiveness and dissociation from our humanity.

Begin with Generosity Toward Yourself

Being generous toward others begins by developing a generous presence toward ourselves. Rather than judge and criticize ourselves, we can cultivate a “caring, feeling presence” toward our feelings, as described by Focusing teachers Dr. Edwin McMahon and Dr. Peter Campbell. We’re then well positioned to extend attention toward others’ experience.

Meaningful relationships are nourished by the generosity of attending to others. How deeply do you listen to people when they are sharing something important to them — hearing not just the words, but also the feelings beneath their words and stories? How attuned are you to their felt experience? Do you notice your attention wandering or preoccupied with any of the following:

Preparing your response?

Finding things to criticize?

Turning the conversation toward your own thoughts or feelings?

Struggling to find something to say to make them feel better or feeling badly that you don’t know how to respond?

It’s natural for our attention to wander, but the generous art of listening means sustaining our full attention toward our partner or friend as they’re sharing something personal or difficult. This is not about fixing their problem or telling them what to do. It’s simply about extending your caring, feeling presence toward someone who is struggling. It’s about listening with the ear of the heart, as St. Benedict put it.

What could be more generous and healing than opening our ears and heart to how another is experiencing life right now? Listening is the doorway to the connections we seek. It is the salve that soothes our disconnectedness and eases our isolation.

Listening can open a door to being heard. When a person feels heard, they feel cared about. They feel less alone. They feel more connected. By creating a climate where others experience your generous attention, they are likely to appreciate you, feel drawn toward you, and come to care about you. If you want to be heard, begin by listening. It’s a powerful practice to give to others what we’d like to receive from them.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-generosity-of-listening/