#deep cleaning bc i haven’t actually deep cleaned in a minute and i’m so overwhelmed

[writhe]

ok. generally doing a lot better and more stable (& fuck kind of like. scary how bad it was? not sure what to do with this but it’s been creeping up on me) but also, fuck, i have been busy and so stressed (in good and and bad ways). genuinely it’s been hard to catch a break and i’m so so so tired and i have so much to do

[hotluncheddie]

not to get political or anything BUT i can’t sleep so it’s time for gator legging thots teeheeebeee 👹

you have to start slow with him, despite begging for it multiple times a day like a needy slut he still thinks it’s a little bit gay (he’s just very scared and so you have a discussion about the difference between being scared and being bigoted). when you get him to settle into the idea, it starts with some fingers on his perineum as you suck him off. you help him douche, and the first time you actually get any fingers up there he stops you about two minutes in. after giving him ample aftercare and forehead kisses, you drop the idea completely until a month later you come home and find him with his own fingers buried deep inside of hole, whimpering and leaking with pleasure. although his hearing has gotten better since he went blind, he clearly didn’t hear you and so you left him to play with himself while you went to drop off some library books.

still not wanting to pressure him, you give him due time to explore and think on his own until one day you’re working your hand over his cock and he gets very upset. he asks why you haven’t asked him about anal since the day he stopped you, especially since he knew you had been there and was hoping you’d find him (so much for being sneaky). after a long and productive conversation about what he had explored and was comfortable with, you agreed to try experimenting again.

this led to his current predicament. gator was naked now with his ass lined up against a dildo that had been suctioned to a wall. for the last half hour, you had been guiding his hips on and off the plastic, fucking him deep and fast but never enough to let him arrive to pleasure. if he tried to sink back himself, he would feel your hard hand smack across his pale and luscious skin. tears were running down his face as you told him how pretty and well behaved he was, he was finally ready to take real cock. his ability to speak left him as you rolled him over, kissing along his neck and pressing extra lube to his hole. you grabbed his hand and he consented with two squeezes, ready to feel the stretch of your strap on. it was so overwhelming that he almost fully blacked out as you rolled your hips against him, unaware of the tantalizing and wanton sounds he was making each time you brushed his prostate. when he finally did come, it was with a silent scream as you licked the spot right below his ear that drove him so crazy. even though you were only away from him briefly while you cleaned the scene up and peed (no utis here), he could barely breath without your touch. he hadn’t slept as well as he did that night spooning you since he was a little boy.

RAAAAA IDK IF I LIKE IT BUT WHATEVA -🫚

i saw this while i was a WORK and i had to CONTAIN myself!!! it was very DIFFICULT!!!!

bc BARK BARK BARK BARK

like i’m obsessed with thisssssss!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

just him getting overwhelmed the first time and then WANTING to be found playing with himself!!!!! the little brat!!!!!

and the ughhhhhhh him fucking a dildo on the wall?!?! but only when you move him!!! no fucking himself!! you do all the fucking tonight!!! such a good needy boy!!! going so sweet and pliant, mind too foggy for words anymore 🥴🥴🥴🥴 and then he would need such close gooey aftercare!! he’s sleep so well!! loved getting filled so much!!!

-

that night where you finally went there together. stretching him out and fucking him stupid on your strap. it’s all you can both think about. you want to see him whimper and cry the way he did when he was stuffed full and fucked stupid. you want to get him sloppy wet with lube again and see that flush go all the way down to his hip bones. want to tease him for being such a cock slut.

you both need it. as soon as possible.

a lazy sunday afternoon rolls around and gator comes over already squirming. you hope your guess is right as to why but you want him to say it. want him to beg for it.

when you greet him at the door he lunges forward for a already sloppy kiss, the kind he’d give halfway though a date, when he’s floating off somewhere, not right at the start.

you hold him gently by the throat, not squeezing, just using the loose grip to hold his face at an angle you can see him at. ‘want something baby?’ you coo, watching his pretty lips part, mouth wet and pink and wanting.

he swallows, leaning into your hand. ‘want, want it again.’ he says.

‘and what’s it?’ you ask, ‘be a big boy and use your words.’ the condescension makes gator shiver, flush pretty pink.

‘want, want the strap again mommy.’ he whispers. you feel the vibrations from his soft voice travel up his neck.

‘oh, good boy.’

he moans as you pull him into a hug, grabbing two handfuls of his ass and squeezing. finger searching for his hole through his sweats. ‘that why you’re so riled up already?’ you ask. circling his already loose hole, you gasp a little ‘did you already stretch yourself?’ and gator whines, nodding into your neck and grinding his cock against your thigh. ‘needy slut’, he wants it so badly, already so pretty and loose for you, mind half gone.

‘strip and sit on the couch.’ you command, going to get the strap and lube from the bedroom.

you come back to gators on his hands and knees across the couch. back arched and tongue lolling slightly out of his mouth. he’s beautiful.

you trace his back and the curve of his ass. slipping two fingers in easily, adding a third after he begs for it so sweetly, a bit of drool slipping out and falling on the pillows beneath him.

‘ple-please mommy.’ he whines, arching back into your fingers, easily taking three.

you smack his ass lightly. ‘up. baby’s going to ride it.’ and gator scrambles to stand, a little unsteady but you guide his hand to the strap at your hips, letting him feel the length again. holding his hand as you settle back in the couch, pulling him to straddle your hips.

his mouth is still pretty and open and panting. he raises up high on his knees and grips your hand harder as the other lines up the toy with his wet hole. his panting tuning into near constant whimpers and whines as you guide him to sink slowly onto the toy, holding his thighs still to let him settle once he reaches the base.

he breaths heavily through his nose, tears slipping out now and you swirl one of his hard pink nipples into your mouth. ‘move for mommy baby.’ you prompt.

and gator does, beautifully.

he lifts up almost to the tip, before gliding smoothly back down, increasing the pace quickly. rocking his hips and forcing the toy as deep as it will go. bouncing on it. holding onto your shoulders for support and you can’t help watching him, awed. your sweet, desperate boy taking what he needs, asking for what he wants and doing so good, being so perfect.

his cock in red and leaking, pressed between the two of you. you want to see him finish, he’s held out so well. ‘cum for mommy baby. cum on mommy cock.’ you need to see him come like this, above you.

he speeds up, letting it fill him over and over again. grinding on the toy and grinding his cock between your bodies, chasing it, building to his peak. you wrap you hand around his length and pump once. gator wails, cumming all over your chest and stomach, riding out his orgasm by grinding in tight little circles, moaning.

you pull his head down, licking deeply in his mouth, carding your fingers into his hair and pulling, relishing in his whine.

you guide him to pull off and lay on the couch cushions. taking off the strap to kiss him and whisper phrases between each peck. he did so well, fucking himself so good.

but you can’t take it anymore. ‘will baby do something for mommy?’ you ask, licking over his lips and tracing his jaw with your fingers. he nods, eager, cute.

you kiss him one more time, rising up to straddle either side of his face. ‘oh fuck.’ gator moans, pulling you down onto his eager mouth.

-

🫣🫣🫣

🫚 what you sent was so good thank you!!! i enjoyed reading it so much fuck!!!

hope this was okay i think we mentioned mommy kink before but ye i hope it doesn’t make u uncomfy <3

[a-wildemusing]

The Three of Us: A Late Night at the Cafe. 

word count: 1,676~

genre: Kenma x platonic!reader, Kuroo x Platonic!reader.

warnings: nothing I can think of. probably any mistakes.

summary: Y/n took the late shift at the Cafe they work at. It’s been a slow night until unexpectedly a whole volleyball team decides to get a late snack. 

a/n: this is part of a series I’m doing, called the Three of Us. Its made up events and adventures with being best friends with Kuroo and Kenma. Hope you enjoy!

The Three of Us. ✨ Masterlist. ✨

--

The night was going to be a long one, you thought. As a courtesy to your boss lady, you said that you would take her closing shift so she and her family could spend the evening together. It was her son’s birthday. You wanted them to spend as much time with her family as possible. There was no class the following day, so it all worked out. You could sleep in and your boss lady can relax. 

A few customers came in, but it wasn't overwhelming. Even at the last hour, you even told your co-worker they can go home early. You have done this many times before. Taking the closing shift wasn't anything new to you. The boss lady did not hesitate to trust you.  

It was a quiet night. Only two people came in for drinks after your coworker left. They left after a short stay. You were on your own after that. From the front window of the cafe, you looked out. Occasionally, a car passed by. As the minutes passed, the streets began to clear. After catching yourself spacing out, you decided to keep busy and start cleaning a little.

You had your back turned from the door. Cleaning the counters a little while waiting for closing time. There were still forty minutes left. You were minding your own business. Humming along with the low melody of the song playing over the speakers.  

This sort of quiet was sometimes enjoyable to you. However, it was beginning to feel a little overwhelming. You went too deep into your thoughts. 

The past few months have been interesting. There were many things coming up soon. Summer break was just around the corner. Graduation was drawing near for third-year students. In the coming term, Kuroo will be attending university. Kenma and you were going to be third years. Everything felt a little overwhelming. 

As you sighed, you began to organize some things. Your work routine slowly returns and you try not to space out again.     

Your ears were alerted to the chimes from the door. A smile soon appeared on your face as soon as you turned around to see your smirking best friend. You had a slightly confused expression on your face, but the smile was still prominent. Kuroo was standing with what seemed like the whole volleyball team. 

“Welcome!” You cheerfully said putting down the rag you were using the clean moments ago.  

You smiled at Kuroo. “What are you guys doing here? I thought you guys had practice” 

“We-

“Y/n, can I still order?” Lev interrupted Kuroo. Lev walked towards you with heart eyes. Kuroo rolled his eyes and sat at the nearest table. Kenma follows him. Both of them are watching you. Before giving Lev your full attention, you shook your head at the two. 

“Oh. yeah! Of course,” You said cheerfully as you made your way to the cash register. “What can I get you, Lev?” 

The rest of the team lined up behind Lev to order and offer a small greeting as well. After taking some orders, you take a short break to make the drinks or give the snacks to the boys. Even though they had practiced, everyone was so lively. Kuroo caught your eye as you glanced over at him. A smile spread across his face. It was as if he knew you needed the company. 

Kenma finally came up to you to say hi when it seemed you had a small moment to yourself.   You handed him a box to go. 

“Hi, Kenma.” You smiled. “I saved that for you.” 

Kenma opens the box to see a piece of apple pie. He smiles, and thanks you before sitting with Yamamoto. Then you went back making drinks again.

Once everyone had their food and drinks. You went around chatting with everyone. Yaku and Fukunaga were the two you ended up with. The two of them took care of you by protecting you from Lev, Inouka, and Yamamoto from simping too hard or bothering you. 

All in all, it was a good time. You felt so much better. The thoughts you thought earlier weren't so bothersome to you anymore. 

In time, the volleyball team began to slowly leave. Everyone said goodbye and thanks to you.  Before leaving, some of them helped you stack some of the chairs on top of the tables. All that remained was to mop the floors and finalize the cash register. 

Soon the only person that was left was Kuroo. Kenma was actually feeling tired and went home with the rest.

“Thanks for tonight.” As Kuroo grabbed the spare mop, you said softly, "I was kind of feeling weird." You moved the mop side to side as you slowly walked backward, not making eye contact with him.

"I remember you telling me you would be taking the night shift and we ended practice early. So why not.” Kuroo said while he mopped an area a little further apart from you. “But what’s up?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged. 

“I am sure you do. How am I supposed to give you amazing advice if you don’t tell me what’s bugging you? How can your elder help you?” Kuroo teases you. 

You shake your head with a small smile on your face. “You are only one year older than me... Shut up.” 

A chuckle escaped Kuroo's lips. Then he taps your mop with his. Bringing your eyes up to look at him. As you hold the mop and pretend to be holding a sword, Kuroo follows your lead and does the same. 

“I don’t know…” You softly tap your mop with his a couple of times. “What are we going to do without you, Kuroo?” You leaned the mop by the counter. 

“What do you mean? I’m not leaving.” 

“Yes, you are. This is your last year. Graduation is coming soon.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. We have been together since we were kids and I don't know... Maybe I'm just being weird.” You looked down.

“No. No. you’re not. To be honest with you. I thought about this.” 

“Really?” You looked back up to meet Kuroo’s eyes. There was a seriousness to them.

“Yeah, really. I was thinking that I get one whole year without you and Kenma. How peaceful will that be.” 

You nudged him playfully, “ Hey!”

Kuroo starts laughing, putting the mop that he was holding down next to yours. He leans on the counter to keep his balance. 

Kuroo as he calms down. “It’s not like I’m leaving the face of the Earth Y/n. Plus, you are going to the same university as me.” Kuroo teases. 

“I know! Okay…it’s just I-I’m... I’m going to miss you.” You give him a small smile. 

But with that Kuroo starts laughing again.  

“Oh come on, Kuroo let me be sappy for a second.” You sighed and gave Kuroo a shove. “You’re my best friend...my annoying older brother. God. Maybe, this is going to be a nice break from your teasing!” Your vision slowly started to blur. You shocked your head. 

“I’m going to miss seeing you every day,” Kuroo said, as he walked towards you. He wraps you in a hug and you return the hug. “But don’t worry. It’s going to be like I haven’t left. I’m going to bug you and Kenma as much as possible.”

You rolled your eyes but hugged Kuroo a little harder. The both of you stayed like that for a bit.

“Hey, come on. I know you still have to finalize the cash register and it's getting late.” Kuroo lets go of you. 

You and Kuroo completed the cleaning and you completed the cash register after your conversation. The cafe was locked. The two of you walked home together. It was a quiet walk and train ride home. Each of you taking a moment to ponder over the small conversation you both had. 

There was going to be a lot of change. Getting used to not seeing each other every day was going to take some time. However, you knew Kuroo and Kenma would be your closest friends for a long time. 

*Kenma and Y/n during the first two weeks of their third year*

Your alarm went off and when you saw it was the third special alarm you woke up so quickly. A burst of energy helps you race to get yourself ready and out the door. Your third alarm was your last warning before you were going to have zero time to make it to school on time. 

You knew if you were waking up late, Kenma would be as well.  Your hair was a little messy, your uniform wasn't tucked in completely, and there were some papers trapped in the zipper of your school bag.  

“We're going to be late, Kenma!" You barged into Kenma’s room. Kenma is still lying in bed. Opening his eyes gradually, he gazes into the distance towards you by the door. 

“Kenma! Let's go!" You threw his uniform at him. Despite still being confined to his bed, he slowly begins to rise. 

“What do you mean...Kuroo is not here yet.”  Kenma rubs his eyes. 

After a brief pause, you turned your attention to him. Your face displays a sad smile. It's then that Kenma realizes what's going on.

“Oh.” He grabs his uniform.  

Kenma and you were finally out the door and rushing to school. You both were able to catch the train. Both sitting down, you placed your head on Kenma’s shoulder trying to catch your breath.

“How did Kuroo manage to keep us from being late for so long?” You look up smiling at Kenma. 

“I don’t even know.” Kenma takes out his handheld console. 

You lifted your head from Kenma’s shoulder when you felt your phone blowing up with text messages. You smile to yourself seeing who was texting you. Kuroo was texting you asking if you made it on time and if you and Kenma were at school yet. You message him back and then put your phone away. Placing your head back on Kenma’s shoulder to watch him play his game.

--

end notes lol 

~ Kenma and Y/n were so distracted by the game that they almost missed their stop. ಥ‿ಥ

~Kuroo is stressed af bc of Kenma and Y/n and he doesn’t even go to same school as them anymore lol 

[wienerbarnes]

Wet Dream

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (Cheek to Cheek) (but also could prob be read as a stand alone oneshot)

Word Count: 4,326 (omg)

Warnings: SMUT 18+ minors dni pls sorry just wait til ur grown

A/N: yall someone call the horny police on me bc this.... made me blush 

MAIN MASTERLIST | CHEEK TO CHEEK MASTERLIST

Bucky hovers above you, panting into your neck. His lower back arches as he pumps in and out of you, his forearms on either side of your head holding himself up. Your arms are gripping his back tightly, your nails making crescent marks on his skin. Your ankles lock around his backside, squeezing tighter and tighter at each of his movements.

How did you end up in this position? You don’t think about it for too long when a wet and warm tongue licks a long stripe up your neck, touching your ear, before teeth give a gentle bite to your lobe.

You don’t even realize you’re making noise. Moans and groans and whimpers are escaping your mouth every second, each one punching Bucky straight in his groin. It makes him go faster, harder, his fists clenching in the sheets beside your head. He continues placing kisses and hard sucks to your neck as he lifts one hand from the bed, forcing his fingers into your mouth for a moment to wet them, before moving lower onto your clit.

You gasp and let out a yelp at the shock of pleasure. He’s so close and smells so good and feels so good, touching and kissing and thrusting and everything all at once is so overwhelming. Your eyes squeeze shut and it all becomes too much, especially with Bucky’s praises and moans in your ear as he can tell - and feel - how close you are.

It never comes, though.

You jolt awake and glance around to gauge your surroundings. Light peeks through the shades and Bucky is snoring soundly next to you. The blanket covers his waist and legs that you know are only clad in boxers, his naked back visible and moving slightly with his breathing. He’s laying on his stomach, arms comfortably resting beneath the pillow that lies under his head, completely unaware of the dream you’ve just had.

The two of you haven’t had sex yet.

It’s been so long since you’ve started dating! But, it’s just never happened. You’ve done virtually everything else with each other, but just never got to the sex part.

Does that bother him? While Bucky has had a complicated relationship with sex, as have you, both due to your pasts with HYDRA and being deprived of such things, Bucky has had a bit more time to reacquaint himself with women and the times. You, not so much.

Who were you supposed to have sex with; practice with? The only person who was ever in your life after HYDRA was Bucky.

After a few minutes of thinking, you realize that you’re completely comfortable and safe with Bucky; he respects you, he loves you, and he shows it all, too. Why haven’t you had sex with him?

Why has he never initiated it himself?

Bucky mumbles in his sleep, slowly waking up and bringing himself out of his dreams and you put your thoughts on pause for a moment.

When his eyes finally squint open and you look at him, all you can see is your dream. The thrusting. The moaning. The sweat. The twisted eyebrows in pleasure. You look away before you die of embarrassment and sit up on the side of the bed.

“Morning, sweetheart. How’d you sleep?” He asks, voice deep and rumbly from lack of use throughout the night.

“Uh - Good. I slept well. What about you?” You ask, still not looking at him. You stretch your limbs out and try to push back the dream to the very back of your mind.

“You okay? Why aren’t you looking at me?” Bucky avoids your question. Even after just waking up is he too observant for his own good.

You let out a breath and turn to look at him, “I’m okay. Just had a weird dream is all. Let’s make breakfast.” You reassure him, not completely lying, and leaning over the bed to share a morning-breath-filled kiss.

He accepts your answer and kisses you a second time, a quick peck, before you walk off to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

He doesn’t accept your behavior for long, though, when you avoid him the entire day. He thinks long and hard about anything he could’ve said or done to make you feel upset or uncomfortable. He thinks back to what you said this morning, how you had a weird dream. Was it that? Was it a nightmare? Did he do something in the dream to make you upset? He’s heard Sam talk about that in the past, how past girlfriends would wake up upset at him for something he did in a dream.

So, how can he fix what dream-him did in your dream, which he knows nothing about?

You’ve successfully avoided Bucky for most of the day. Your body is sore because, for some reason, you decided you’d spend your time avoiding him in the gym all day. You’re sure he’ll come to your room for dinner, though.

You thought avoiding him would help you get over your dream, that you would distract yourself until you forgot about it and it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

But the opposite happened.

It’s all you’ve thought about.

All you’ve thought about is Bucky on top of you, the sound of his breathy moans, the veins popping out of his arm and neck, the positions -

And now you have to face him after avoiding him all day.

You try to pretend like nothing’s different. You shower and change from your gym clothes, Bucky arriving at some point while you were in the bathroom. When you finish, you move to the kitchen and begin preparing some food for the two of you while Bucky showers, hoping the act of cooking will calm your brain for a bit. The two of you eat, the two of you clean up, and it’s when you’re drying the dishes Bucky washes that he brings it up.

“Did I do something?” He asks, not looking up from the sink.

A pang of guilt that you’ve made him think this way all because of your own embarrassment, “No, babe, why would you think that?” You ask him, continuing to dry the plates but looking at him, ignoring the heat that floods your chest and neck.

“We’ve just been really distanced from each other today. I wanted to make sure I didn’t -”

“Why haven’t we had sex yet?” You blurt out, interrupting him.

Bucky pauses his hands on the plate in the sink. He slowly lifts a hand up to turn off the water and sets the plate down before looking at you. He sees your worried expression and is confused that this is what this was all about.

“You’ve been avoiding me all day because we haven’t had sex yet?”

“I’ve been avoiding you because I had a sex dream with you and it was really good and I thought avoiding you would make me feel less embarrassed about it but all it did was make me horny and more embarrassed!” You ramble out.

Bucky takes a second to process what you said before letting out a chuckle that he couldn’t hold back. All of this because the two of you haven’t had sex yet! That’s what the dream was about!

“Don’t laugh at me, Bucky, I’m already embarrassed enough as it is!”

“I’m not laughing at you, doll, I’m just - look. I was just trying to be a gentleman and wait it out a bit before we actually had sex; I wanted to make sure you were comfortable.”

“Wait it out for a year, Buck?”

“Okay, yeah, maybe I waited a little too long, but, I know just the thing I can do to fix it.”

You feel the heat consume your body again as you take in his words and their underlying meaning, unable to make a teasing remark to him back. He wipes his wet hands on a rag and turns to face you completely. He walks closer to you, gently backing you up until your back hits the kitchen counter. In a swift motion, his hands grip at your waist and effortlessly lift you up onto the counter as though you’re light as a feather.

You feel butterflies not only in your stomach but all over your body as his hands lower to your hips and tug you close to the edge. You place your hands on his shoulders, suddenly nervous like you’re a virgin again.

You’ve had sex before, but it’s been a while. A long while.

To rid the nerves, you kiss Bucky; while he’s kind of the source of your anxiety at the moment, he’s also always the one that eases it.

If possible, he pulls you even closer, wrapping his arms completely around you, hands on your back as your own wrap around his neck. You open your mouth to allow his tongue to enter yours, licking and sucking and kissing your mouth.

He kisses your lips over and over again, slipping his tongue into your mouth periodically to tease your own tongue, teeth nipping at your lips as he pulls away. He trails kisses to your ear, sucking your lobe into his mouth for a moment and you’re taken back to your dream, a breathy moan escaping you.

He grips you harder and continues his kisses down your neck, sucking love bites into the crook. A hand trails up and gently pulls down the thin strap of your shirt, letting him plant kisses on the top of your shoulder. You close your eyes and try to contain yourself, cradling his head and scratching your fingers through his hair.

“This okay?” He mumbles into your chest, fingers teasing at the neckline of your shirt.

“Mhmm,” You whimper, encouraging him to keep going.

He pulls a little more to free your breast from your top, and tugging again to free the other one, lips attaching and going back forth to leave kisses everywhere. You shudder as his lips wrap around your nipple, sucking and licking at it gently before switching to the other one.

Your mouth feels dry suddenly. A voice in the back of your head tells you to Do something! Don’t just let him do all the work! Make him feel good too!

But how? You find the strength among his love to reach a hand to touch his belly, trailing down to the drawstring on his joggers, untying the bow. You’ve touched Bucky before, made him feel good with both your hands and your mouth, but it feels like you’re doing it for the first time all over again.

He’s hard in his underwear and you palm him through the fabric under his pants. You hear a rumble come from his throat as his lips kiss back up your neck, pecking you on the lips a few more times before pulling back.

Your hand is still in his pants when he takes his shirt off, moving to take yours off too, your hand being removed for only a moment. He stops you from going back in and instead lifts you up from the counter, hands supporting you under your bum, walking you over to the bed.

He playfully throws you down onto the bed and you bounce, a giggle escaping you as he jumps on top of you, lips attaching to your neck again, but this time his hands find your sides, wiggling his fingers around to tickle you.

“Bucky, stop!” You laugh out, any nerves you had from before vanishing as Bucky reminds you just how much of a goof he is. He continues to tickle you under your arms and around your sides in order to keep enjoying the sound of your giggles.

You reach your arm around and throw a smack on his butt, making him finally stop.

“Did you just spank me?”

“Did you like it?”

He laughs and crawls on top of you again, caging you in between his arms and leaning in to kiss you on the mouth. You don’t notice one of the arms next to your head reach down and land a hard slap on your butt cheek, making you break the kiss and gasp. The slap was quick and the sting lingers a bit, but feels good, like stretching a sore muscle just right.

“You spanked me.” You tell him.

“Did you like it?” He whispers back to you, face still close, repeating your previous words.

You smile at him teasingly before kissing him again, his hand now trailing from your knee up to where he spanked you, rubbing and soothing the sting before trailing back down your thigh. He hooks his hand under your knee and brings it higher and pushes it out, spreading your legs open for him.

He moves down your body, spreading kisses around your chest again, before moving down your belly and to the waistband of your leggings. He pulls them, along with your underwear, down your legs, leaving you only in a pair of mismatched socks.

He removes those, too, starting at your baby-blue-painted toes, planting open-mouthed kisses. To your ankle, up your shin, on your knee, to the inside of your tattooed thigh, and then he switches to the other leg and repeats.

You feel like a fountain with all the teasing and touching and kissing. He hooks his arms around either thigh, hands grabbing your hips, and he pulls you forward a bit, bringing you closer to his mouth while also straightening out your back.

You sigh as he kisses around your lips and the fold where your legs meet your pelvis, so close to where you want him, but still so far away.

Suddenly, he flattens his tongue and gives a long lick from your hole to your clit, mixing his saliva with your juices. You let out a long moan at the feeling of some sort of relief, as he focuses his tongue on your clit, moving his tongue rapidly around the nerves.

He licks and licks and licks, causing you to drip, the mixture of his spit and you slowly slipping down the creases of your folds. It doesn’t drip onto the bed sheet, though, because Bucky pulls away only for a second to lap up the juices, dragging a long stripe from around your lips, over your hole, and back up to your clit again.

He repeats this motions, drawing different letters, numbers and shapes around your pussy, making sure to add as much spit as he can to make you as wet as possible. He sucks softly at your clit to tease before going back to fast licks.

You’re not sure if it’s from all the build-up of tonight or the thoughts about your dream, but you already feel yourself growing close, your hole clenching around nothing. Bucky senses this, giving you something to clench around, as he puckers his lips to let some saliva pool at your opening, letting it drool out of his mouth before gathering at your entrance, before slowly pushing a metal finger inside. He then continues his licking from before and pairs it with the gentle pumping of his finger.

The combination becomes too much for you in that moment, and you let go, unable to hold it in. Your thighs shiver and close a bit around his head as your orgasm finally floods through you. You tangle your fingers in his hair, pulling on it as he doesn’t let up on his movements at all, carrying you through your pleasure and fueled by your moans.

“Mmm, Bucky,” You moan out, wanting to call his attention to you, but he takes you moaning his name as a moan of pleasure, and adds a second finger to your heat, gently sucking on your clit.

You gasp harshly, too sensitive for his mouth, and grip his hair and tug hard. He groans deeply into you before following your lead and meeting you face to face. Now that you see him closer, his face is drenched in you. He licks his lips while looking into your eyes, his pupils dilated beyond belief. After a pause from being yanked up, he continues the pumping of his fingers inside you, thrusting them just a little deeper each time, curving them in an upwards motion.

“Wanna feel you,” You mumble out, reaching down into his pants and taking him in your hand, already at the point of being unable to form complete sentences.

His eyes close a bit as you continue to pump him, using the pre-cum that’s leaked out to spread along his length. He pulls his slick fingers out and moves them to rub over your clit. You speed up, running your thumb over the head periodically, and Bucky bites down on his lip, seemingly trying not to blow his load so early.

He grabs your hand, stopping your movements and his own, and sits back to pull off his own joggers and boxers, not missing the wet spot on the latter. He returns to his kneeling position and leans back to grab a hold of your legs. He takes a moment for himself to just stare and take you in. Laid out naked before him, panting, sweating, your juices leaking out of your hole after he’s just made you cum, eyes staring at him like he’s just given you the world. He looks at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen - and you are.

Trusting him with this and letting him see you and touch you while you’re so vulnerable is a gift.

He smiles down at you and reaches for his bag he brought in earlier with all of his stuff, looking for a condom he knows - or hopes - he has in there.

He thanks every God he can think of when he finds it quickly and tears it open before rolling it on himself.

“Are you okay? Are you ready?” He asks you sweetly, despite the filth going through his mind staring at your naked body.

You nod, smiling up at him, “I’m okay, I’m ready.” You tell him.

“Goody.” He tells you, with a smile on his face. He won’t lie, he’s excited like he’s a virgin in the 30’s all over again, getting lucky enough to get his rocks off with the prettiest girl he’s ever seen.

He lines himself up and rubs himself up and down through your juices, nudging your clit each time he moves up, making you squirm.

He holds his dick at the base and slowly pushes, watching you stretch around him. His jaw drops as you engulf him, your humming filling the room. Your eyebrows twist together at the  slight sting of the stretch, but it quickly eases and is replaced with pleasure.

Once he’s completely inside you, he leans forward, kissing you softly and resting on his forearms. As filthy as his thoughts were a minute ago, this isn't just some fuck. You’re his girlfriend of over a year now and you’re trusting him with the job of pleasuring you, of loving you. Finally experiencing this feeling with you, all he wants is to be as close as possible to you, to kiss you, to hold you. So he does.

Keeping you caged in, he keeps his lips close to yours as he begins thrusting in and out of you. You two are breathing the same breath from how close you are and you can’t look away from each other's eyes. He gradually picks up the speed, pulling out a little more each time before pumping back in.

You feel so good. Warm and wet and tight, and just the fact that it’s you makes everything feel even better.

The harder and faster he goes, the tighter you hold onto him, both with your hands and feet. He feels the sting in his back from where your nails dig in and he can feel your ankles locked against his lower back and bum.

His own moans escape his mouth. He’s not usually loud in bed, but all of this feels so good, so much like nothing he’s ever felt before during sex.

All you feel is Bucky. Everywhere; against your lips, inside you, beneath your ankles, against his chest. You never knew sex was so good. It was fun, the times you’d had it as a teenager and occasionally in the Marines, but it never felt anything like this. Is it because Bucky’s just really experienced? Is it just because it’s Bucky?

He brings his knees a little higher on the bed, forcing your bum to angle a bit higher from how your legs are locked around him. He pounds into you a little harder than before, now, hitting completely different spots, and a loud moan escapes you before you can hold it in.

You really don’t want that reputation in the tower, but you really can’t hold it in. Moan after moan escapes you, growing in volume as much as you try to contain it.

As much love is going into this, Bucky is fucking you, hard. You’re so consumed by how good it all feels that you don’t even hear yourself begging in between moans and whimpers.

“Please, please, please…” You gasp, lips brushing against his from how close he is.

“Please, what, baby?” Bucky breathes back.

“Touch me.” You manage out.

He changes position a bit, this time scooping your legs into where his elbow folds, hitting you impossibly deep. Your hands immediately move from his shoulders to his forearms, a yelp coming from your mouth in shock at the new angle.

The slapping sounds of skin on skin fill the room as he pulls almost completely out before pushing back in. Yelps escape you as you try your hardest not to scream, eyes screwing shut.

“Ahhhhh, Bucky,” You moan loudly, the pressure building in your abdomen.

“You close, baby?”

“Mmm, yes, please, please make me cum,” You beg once more. You’ll never let yourself live down the begging thing.

Bucky’s eyebrows scrunch together and he lets out a soft moan. Seems that the begging thing does something for him, too. He releases one of your legs in order to move to rub your clit. He licks at his fingers, a string of saliva following, and moves to touch you softly. He moves fast, but doesn’t rub too hard.

Your mouth drops open in a silent scream as you finally cum, feeling both the relief from the built up tension and the dream from last night. Bucky doesn’t stop as you’re cumming, wanting your pleasure to last as long as possible. You groan loudly as he just keeps going, the overstimulation making your legs shake, gripping onto his wrist, but not exactly pushing it away from your clit.

“I’m so close, baby.” He chokes before not being to hold back anymore and stuttering, cumming into the condom inside you. He lets out a long moan and shivers himself, finally removing his hand from your body to hold himself up on both arms, veins bulging out in the right one.

Once he catches his breath, he slowly pulls out of you, the empty feeling making you both whimper. He doesn’t move to take off the condom, though, and instead moves lower on the bed, hooking your thighs on top of his shoulders again.

“Bucky -” You try to stop him, surprised that he was planning on going down on you again after already doing so and making you cum.

“I know you had another one in you, doll, just make me happy and let me get another taste.” He teases, voice a lot deeper after his own orgasm.

You don’t have time to protest before he dives in again, licking and sucking at your pussy, not wasting any time in trying to get to you cum again.

“Oh, fuck,” You whimper, legs still shaking from the last orgasm, knowing it won’t take long for you to cum a third time. He grips your thighs tightly in his large hands, holding you close to his face. Wet sounds fill the room now as his mouth devours you, lapping and sucking at everything you give him, even moaning at your taste.

You can’t help but cum at the feeling, if not the feeling of Bucky moaning and whimpering while eating you because he wants to taste and feel you cum in his mouth, then the feeling of knowing Bucky’s main goal tonight is just to completely and utterly pleasure you in every sense of the word.

You hear a slurping sound as you gush a bit and Bucky takes it all in, continuing to lick until you have to push his head away, really not being able to take it anymore.

“Holy fuck,” You sigh out, exhausted, not even noticing the goofy smile on your boyfriend’s face, smiling at the fact that you physically had to push him away from eating you out too good.

Bucky finally removes himself completely from your body, standing to remove and throw out the condom and also bring a wet towel to clean you up a bit.

“Did that satisfy you, angel?” He teases, wiping in between your legs and cleaning the sweat from your legs and chest.

“I don’t know, I might have to sleep on it.” You pant, still trying to catch your breath, looking up at him to see his face still drenched in your juices.

“I’m more than happy to help you figure it out in the morning, then.”

He wipes himself off and  finally tosses the towel into your laundry bin and gets in bed with you, the two of you still above the covers because it’s still just a bit too hot to get cozy.

“I love you.” Bucky tells you, turning his head to the side to look at you.

“I love you, too.” You respond, wrapping your arms around his left one and bringing your body close to his, despite the heat in the room.

He kisses your forehead sweetly before kissing you on the lips, brushing his nose against yours afterwards.

Thank God you had that dream.

[selfcareparker]

LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

[amorrdemiel]

I am ready for cherry pie.

I was trying to write this in my journal, but sometimes the feelings want to come out faster than my little hand can scribble so I came here to frantically type it all out. 

I asked God to walk deeper into the Garden of Life. Earlier this summer, I knew I had found Heaven, I felt myself forgiven, I felt everyone forgiven, I felt us all to be love. But what I thought was living in Heaven was actually just the entrance, and I comfortably pulled up a chair to gaze lovingly at its doors lol, and I realized I could actually walk within.  But I was afraid. I asked God for the courage and the clarity to walk deeper into the joy of life. And I heard her joy calling me, a song just for me.  I heard her calling me to music, to sit at my piano keys and play. I heard her calling me through day dreams of traveling in a camper van of my own, of watcher her Holy sunrises at different oceans, to gaze at her freckle stars in the night, in deserts I had never crossed before. I heard her call upon the wind of peace, of sleep. I saw her show how gentle life truly was, how it was willing and wanting to caress me, to be caressed.  BUT I still felt fear, and even worse a strange itch overcame me to purposely look for terrible things, things I don’t even want to look at on a regular basis. Wanting to purposely look at murders, at violence, at suffering. And I didn’t understand why. I knew better than to succumb to the itch to seek these things out, I knew it wouldn’t give me wisdom and I felt something strange about the itch. After a really good tarot reading from my sister, she helped me clarify that weird itch to find things horrific.  Joy requires vulnerability, she said. And it is difficult to be vulnerable when you lack trust in life, down to a bone psychological level.  She helped remind me of how when I broke my arm in the summer before third grade, it was a traumatic experience for me that changed the psychology of me forever. I didn’t know this until this week, but apparently because I was a child, they couldn’t give me anesthesia and the two options for my very large break in my arm, was either preform surgery on me while I was very much lucid and awake or rearrange my bones back into place blindly so they wouldn’t have to make a cut on me. Somehow, the best bone doctor in Texas at the time just so happened to be at the hospital in El Paso and he chose to blindly rearrange my bones back into place. and he told my mom and my dad to watch the pain I was about to go through because it would change me forever. My sister stayed too because she is brave and loving and wanted to be there for me, even though she too was just a child. They always tell me about how traumatic it was for them to see me screaming in pain as he was rearranging my broken bones, and I remember just searing pain lmao I just remember it being hours of pain, as they made me twist my arms for X-Rays, and when they kept twisting my arm to put my bones back into place. Truly painful lmao  BUT point of the story is, I used to be a very active child before that, I was always running, playing music, I was always smiling and happily in my garden, I was a straight-A student in GT. And after that I wasn’t, and all the details to me don’t matter any more. (EVEN THO, I felt a little upset that my mom remembered how the doctor told her that I would be changed forever and my parents STILL screamed at me for hours when I stopped getting straight A’s, and couldn’t focus anymore. if the doctor told you I was changed forever, how come you still screamed at me for hours because I got a C? how come you literally told me: When you broke your arm, something got damaged in your brain, you must have hit your head and scrambled something, so try really hard to think what happened and change it, just change it. Go back to how you were. IDK I FEEL LIKE THAT KINDA CONTRIBUTED TO ME CUTTING AND HITTING MYSELF OUT OF FRUSTRATION, WOULDN’T YOU THINK? Like my sister summarized it the best, which was that they were holding me accountable, a child, for understanding the trauma I went through and working through it just so I could get the grades they wanted me to get. -___- BUT WHATEVER I AM LEARNING TO FORGIVE THEM FOR WHAT THEY COULDN”T UNDERSTAND THEN.) The beautiful thing I rather focus on, is after reminding me of this, my mom and my sister both cried and hugged me for a good solid ten minutes and kissed me, and told me that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore, that life isn’t what I feared it to be anymore, and that I am free and can be vulnerable to joy, and that is truly what I rather focus on than the past parents that didn’t know how to cope with what I had gone through.  My sister also reminded me of how I conveniently forgot how earlier this year I went to see a physical therapist finally for my knee which hurt me a lot and made me feel like I couldn't go hiking or any of the adventurous things I wanted to do bc it hurt too much and he straight up told me that it was all PSYCHOLOGICAL. Which was super wild for me to hear, because I think he’s right! lmao.  It reminds me of when I was a child, and I used to run out in my little garden in the sun all the time, and how sometimes I was suddenly forced to stop because I couldn’t move without feeling a lot of pain, and I would look down at my feet and I saw how all those thorned stickers were on my laces, my socks, my shoes and it hurt too much to move so I was just stuck. (Which makes me feel happy about that dream I once had where a large field beckoned me and I began running in its vastness barefoot, and I remember looking down and seeing a bunch of those thorned stickers and somehow missing every single one, and feeling so free.)  Anyhow, I resolved to allow myself to be vulnerable to go into joy, and that even with this psychological, bone deep memory of trauma happening when I move.  The day before yesterday, my sister made it aware to me that our betta Artemis has fin rot (mild) and I felt so in pain because of it. One thing I could never stand was seeing the people (or animals) I love in pain, and I’ve never acted on this impulse, but the first impulse I have when my sister tells me about a traumatic experience she’s had or I see my animals hurt is to say “NO! That’s NOT how you feel, this isn’t real.” BUt it’s so irrational to me, to say this, that I never act on it but I do have to convince myself by becoming more objective to handle the pain of seeing them in pain.  But I guess I have allowed myself to feel more vulnerable and more sensitive to life (I used to allow myself to be sensitive when I was a toddler but I was just so overwhelmed and my parents would yell at you if you cried so I just capped it.) But I’m letting myself be sensitive, so I did feel angry at my sister initially for telling me that Artemis had fin rot, and I felt very upset, but I let it be there and we researched how to heal it and took immediate action the next day and even though my sister was sensitive about it, and I was sensitive about it, we did a great job at getting everything we needed, staying calm and supportive of one another, and it just always surprises me how much me and my sister haven’t adopted the way my mom and dad do things which is screaming, and panicked and violent. (Well, we worked ourselves out of it through love and patience.)  But as we were driving to the pet store for the second time to get something else to help us out with Artemis’s tank, I told my sister about how allowing myself to feel the pain I felt at Artemis being sick, when I got home from the pet store this morning and went to say hello to my pug before getting started with my sister on deep cleaning his tank and getting salt in it to sterilize the wounds, I felt a much deeper and softer joy at hugging Qipsi and holding her in my arms and I realized that joy came from allowing myself to feel the pain of Artemis. That when I let myself feel the pain, it also let me feel the pull, the desire to tend to his tank, his little body and soul, his water much more diligently and the joy that arose in that, and it let me feel the pull and desire to tend to Qipsi more tenderly, and tend to myself more tenderly. And so pain, allowing the suffering allowed joy as well.  My sister told me about how she read or saw that when you allow yourself to feel the pain, you allow yourself to feel the pathway to the healing of it.  And that just shook me because I never looked at it like that. I always thought pain was useless, or was just to burn your ego, or just frustrating, but I see now how it led to more joy, it led to truer joy. How it led to truthful joy, and I never let it show me the healing. I was so afraid of pain, I never let it show me how to heal, I just hated how I was hurt to begin with. But if I could just focus my attention and the pathway to healing, and to feel the healing, the joy of it.  AND SO, here I stand, on the precipice of fate, on the road I am asking to help guide me to the purpose of my life, the highest good of my life, and I feel I understand what joy and pain truly are.  I asked God to lead me deeper into the garden of life, so that I may understand what I am here to provide, what of my highest good can I give back, and I was given clarity and courage. Clarity to understand the truth behind pain, the way it shines a path to the healing of you and me, to the healing of body and soul and courage to face the vulnerability that joy requires, that pain requires to open you to deeper joy, and so it goes.  I want to play and create and enjoy this sandbox of life. 

And I want cherry pie. 

[damn-it-damian]

Why don't you hit me instead of screaming at each other?

and a little something I call "the sponge effect"

[long post ahead]

My parents have never beaten me up. Like yeah, my father spanked me like twice when I was like five years old - first bc I forgot to do my housework and second bc I was rude to my mum. And hell, I made so damn sure to never do that again. But that was all. Aside from that, none of them ever hit me. Not even a slap across the face. But oh, did they scream! The worst of all? Most of the time, they're not even screaming at me! Most of the time, they are just screaming at each other bc of some absolutely stupid thing. Or, one of them is screaming bc of the other one, but the other one is not even there! Like, my mother was screaming and went hysterical for nearly 30 minutes the other morning because my father have thrown away her water bottle when he was cleaning the kitchen the day before and now, she have to go and buy another. And of course it works the other way, too. Father screaming bc of something my mother did. Best of all? They start screaming at each other when the whole family (him, her, me and my 16-year-old sister) is having dinner bc of something that happened yesterday morning but they haven't seen each other until now. And me and sis- we are just sitting there bc we are not allowed to leave until we finish our meals and we are not allowed to take it to our rooms or to throw it away. And I'm just silently clenching my fists under the table so they won't see and slowly but surely I'm about to cry.

And suddenly, they're all like, why the hell are you crying? Stop it. Nobody is hurting you!

But you do.

You are hurting me so much, you just don't realize it. This screaming of yours, it's hurting me so much! I know that probably none of you is doing this to me intentionally, that none of you is hurting me knowingly and that you're just venting out your anger, but if you just want to take your anger out on someone and make yourself feel better - here I am. Just hit me, but please! Stop screaming. I know that you're not hitting me bc you don't want to hurt me - I am your child after all - but you just don't realize that you're hurting me so much more when you do this. Why don't you just slap me across the face instead of all this screaming? It would be just so much better! It would hurt, yes, but it would be just so much better that all of this.

Like, I can deal with physical pain. It's so much better that the psychical and mental pain. Yes, all those bruises hurts like hell but it all fades away eventually. Psychical pain does not. It may get weaker, yes, but it's still there. And it still hurts. All those insults and that screaming - it's all still there.

That's mostly why I'm skipping dinners now bc there's always a possibility that something like this will happen.

So, the actual story is: today I've woken up to my mother screaming. Like, a lot more than usual. She went completely hysteric. I mean, she was in the kitchen which is on the ground floor, I was in my freaking attic room on the freaking third floor and it still managed to wake me up from my deep-ass sleep. At first, I thought that I can manage to just ignore it. Clasp my hands on my ears, burry my head under the pillow and just ignore it. It's the best thing you can do, when she's like this. I mean, every time I hear people scream my body just stops working. It's in some kind of paralysis when I have a need to curl on myself, close my eyes and clasp my ears until it ends. But man, just how much I've been wrong. There was like no way I could survive with ignoring it like that because it just didn't end. I had no idea what's going on or why she's so mad, but I thought that maybe if I go downstairs and ask her what's happening them maybe I could help somehow and end all of this. (like, I know that it actually doesn't work bc I've tried so many times and it never helps, but I just needed it to stop!)

So, I got up from the bed, I went downstairs and casually, in the soft voice and without any screaming or shouting I asked her what's wrong. And man, I've never been screamed at as much as this in my whole life. I seriously though I'll start crying. I mean, not because I was screamed at, but the feeling of that moment was just so wrong! And I still couldn't make out what's wrong, I had no idea what's happening. It all just felt so wrong.

Like, let's say that I'm quite empathetic and a way more 'softer' and more 'sensitive' than other boys (at least more than all the boys I've met till now) and I just can 'feel' the emotions of other people (gosh, that sounds weird). I mean, it affects me like, a lot. Casually, I'm referring to it as 'the sponge effect'.

That's something I made up myself so please don't judge me but people seem to understand it more if I have some name with which I can call it. And basically, it works like a big sponge. I'm here and like a sponge is absorbing water, I'm absorbing emotions of other people. Like, when I'm around someone who is sad or crying - even if it's a complete stranger, someone I've never seen before in my life - I just feel like crying and if it's really intensive I'll most likely start crying, too. It works like this with all kinds of emotions but sadly, it's a lot stronger with the negative ones. At least in my case.

So these emotional outburst are... let's say it's really difficult for me.

And like a big sponge, I still continue to absorb all emotions from people around me and people I meet. And I just keep them inside unit there's no room and I'm completely overwhelmed. And then, when the sponge is full you have to squeeze it to wring it out so it can absorb new water again. The only problem is that I can't let those emotions go. I mean, of course I can let my emotions go, but that applies only on the 'good ones'. But I just can't take my anger and negative emotions out on others. I mean, that's what people do - someone is mean at them and 'gives' them that emotion and they 'pass' it to the next person by being mean to him. Like yeah, I'm angry as hell, I wanna scream, I wanna shout, I wanna swear, I wanna punch something till it breaks but I just can't. For some reason. Or I just really don't want to, I don't know. I mean, it's probably a good thing bc I'm not 'passing' those negative emotions on other people but I can't keep them in either bc honestly, it's killing me. Like, all that rage and anger and hatred is still in there and it's pilling up. And I still keep it in bc I just can't let it out to hurt other people, unit it becomes something I can deal with: sorrow. Just keep it in long enough till all that hate and anger fades to sadness and sorrow. Now, that's something you can work with, isn't it? Sure, you can! (please don't.) But yeah, basically I can deal with sadness a little bit better than with anger and I can actually let it out. So yeah, I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm full of self-hate. But that's okay, right? You can cry in secret so nobody can see you and your negative emotions won't affect others. (It feels so bad, please don't do this qwq). But it works. And then I just cry it out. All of it, all of those emotions. Till I'm an empty dry sponge again. And it all feels so cold and wrong. And I feel empty and alone and I'm just so touch starved. I just so miss that most basic kind affection like patting on the back when I cry or hugging when I feel so empty after all of that.

But hey, here I am - ready to suck up some new negative emotions.

You still here for the actual story? Great! (I literally love you if you made it to this point! qwq)

So, after I went downstairs and gently asked my mother what's wrong, she screamed her head out on me. But I wasn't able to make out what's actually going on. And I just felt so bad because I actually care but she didn't even give me a chance to help. But okay she doesn't want to speak to me? That's cool, I won't push.

I just... need to... get out of here.

So I just ran out of our house without thinking. Just grabbed my jacket, pulled on some shoes a ran out like that. Like, the whole freaking street of people saw my undies bc aside from the jacket I was wearing only my sleeping t-shirt. But I absolutely didn't care at that moment. I just wanted to get away from all that screaming.

I mean, I'm not a rebellious type of child but today I've seriously considered running away. Not to upset my parents or to make them miss me, no, I just want to get away from all of that. I didn't run away tho. I just sat outside on the street and when I saw them leaving for groceries I quickly ran back, changed into some normal clothes, took something to eat for later and then I ran to my uncle's house where I "hid" in the cellar - all before they returned from the grocery shop so they couldn't see me.

Well theoretically, I'm still in our house, bc our and uncle's house share the same wall, but here I feel a way more safer rn. I mean, the cellar is basically underground, main unit of central heating is based here so it's warm in here (not like on the street rn) and it's relatively quiet in here. Like yeah, I still can hear some of my parents' screaming (bc of that one shared wall) but it's a way less than when I'm in my room and I can put my headphones on in here which I can't do at home bc my parents assume that I'm purposely ignoring them when instead I'm just trying to block out all that shouting. Plus, nobody knows I'm here! (yeah, my uncle knows but he won't tell)

.

What I was about to say is, that today I finally told myself that I've had enough and that after I finish school (I have finals in less than one month from now) I'll visit a psychologist bc I really need to talk about this. Mostly bc I wasn't really allowed to visit her until now, because only mentally ill people visit psychologist and you aren't ill, now are you? But you know what? Fuck you all!

Also, I probably can't move out yet, even if I wanted to (and the hell I want!) bc I don't have enough money but I told myself that I'll make damn sure to live away from home when I start college. And when I'm at it I also need to come out from the closet and find myself someone who'll help me out of my touch starved misery.