#dealt with really bad addiction and he would steal money from my mom and constantly get arrested and would

[makedamnsvre]

thinking abt that post . going in tags bc im shy

[the-traumaa]

I’m gonna complain here because I can’t express things in any other form except telling strangers

I’ll delete this later but I would rather broadcast to the world than hurt myself so have my life story:

Tw: self harm, drug use, dissociation, possible mental illness, alcohol, nicotine, abusive father, overdoses, suicidal thoughts, cocsa

Alright so I’ve really gone through it the past 4 months.

I developed a pill problem, broke up with my gf a week before prom because I realized I didn’t actually like her and I didn’t want to put her through my drug and mental health issues, had a depressive episode. Overdosed and had a seizure the day after prom and had to intricately lie to my mom who barely believes me. Fell when I overdosed and bashed my head on cement, got really bad whiplash and started the shift in my friend group which caused 50% of us to stop being friends. Blamed myself for everyone, felt like I shouldn’t be alive, felt suicidal and numb, apologizes for being alive, for almost dying, for scaring the people there. I reminded myself of my father who’s a heroin addict. He gave me a good amount of trauma from constant overdosing snd being high and emotionally abusive, I convinced myself I traumatized the people who witnessed it happen and was crying every few minutes. Couldn’t do anything without crying. Cut myself a ton. Felt really worthless and undeserving.

Never dealt with any of this, everyone just kinda forgot about it. Made a slightly new friend group, talked about it once or twice. Old friend who was horrible to me for years say I have no morals or life goals after I stopped talking to her. Just trying to live. Friend who gave me the pills told me I didn’t actually overdose and I was overreacting. While I was texting everyone convinced I was dying, she told me “get up and play uno with everyone!” All my friends are playing blame game and fighting and I just want to feel like I deserve to live. That never really went away.

Now I have cocsa trauma, drug addict father trauma, poverty trauma, and almost dying trauma. Fun, great.

Every time friends hang out without me because I’m working I genuinely convince myself they despise me and would rather do anything else than see me. Pick a suicide date, write suicide notes. Tuck them away for a later date. Smoke a lot of weed. Drink a lot of alcohol. Start smoking cigarettes with a friend. Steal your moms cigarettes. Start smoking alone because feeling sick is all you deserve. Smoke a cigarette just to go to sleep.

Develop a habit of viewing the world in a dreamy state. Logic brain knows this is real life but anxious brain thinks I’m in a dream or I’m watching a movie and no one can see me. Sit there, disssociate, panic. Convinced I’m dying and no one can see it. Fleeting thought that I schizophrenic and my mom paid everyone in my life to go with my delusions. Believe it. Fleeting thought that this is The Truman Show and everyone is pretending to love and care about me. Believe it.

Be so constantly tired that I fall asleep sitting up. Barely get through a six hour work day. Cry in front of the Boss. Cry in front of co workers. Tell your co workers about your overdose. Spend all your money the second you get it because you don’t see a future for yourself.

Realize that if you stay alive the rest of your life is going to be trying to break the cycle of poverty and you’ll have to work your ass off just to breathe. Cry in the car in front of your mom who calls you lazy. Felt numb for an entire week and decided to stop talking to friends because they matter too much and it hurts when they aren’t with you every second of every day. Understand that’s not possible but be overwhelmingly upset anyway. Accidentally express it with anger.

Work at a theatre camp. The kids put on a show every Friday. Invite friends because you’re proud of kids. Friend talks about how much they want to go and then ditch on Friday. Act understanding. Have an episode every time they ditch. They ditch four weeks in a row. There’s only six weeks of camp. Mom ditches.

Be a half hour late for work because your mother (who has started dating and leaves you alone every night to go sleep with her boyfriend) let your heroin addicted emotionally manipulative physically abusive homeless father sleep on your brothers bedroom floor and he overdosed even though the rule was no drugs in the apartment. Wake up to police and EMT’s in the House. Haven’t seen him since. That was five weeks ago. Blame yourself for his homelessness even though he spent all your families money on drugs and made you all homeless twice prior. He refuses to stop doing drugs and tells Social Services “I’ll see my kids when they’re 18.” Feel the pit in your stomach. Hear your mother talk shit with your aunt, who is your fathers drug dealer. Don’t understand how people can do that to their own family. Chold protective Services opens our case again. This is upwards of the 8th time.

Have your brother tell you that your Father hasn’t done anything to you because “he never hit you” Invalidate your own emotional abuse. Remember that he threw ty into a wall and would hold you down and scream an inch away from your face. Remover when he was high and tried to pee on your bed. Remember. Remember. Remember. Decide it’s best not to bring that up to a 12 year old. Go in your room and cry.

So, that’s who runs this account. Props to you in you read it. I’m struggling :/