#cw: leelah alcorn

[gean-grey-blog]

When Star Trek speaks incredibly specifically to you personally... (under a cut for the tagged content warnings)

It's been a really rough...well, life, if I'm being honest. I've seen a lot of violence, death, and pain. My bio says I left tumblr in 2014, but doesn't specify it was the day after I was online the night Leelah Alcorn died. I've had to cut off most contact with my mom, and been subject to discrimination and violence bc of my gender. I'm sick and in pain and broke and I was just kind of shutting down and drinking a LOT.

My co-captain/bestie/brother called me out on it in a truly loving and worried way a week or two ago. I was still struggling with the weight of everything. This morning we sat down and watched the latest Lower Decks. It was great. We geeked out. It's truly a fantastic episode regardless of any of my personal shit.

In it, the main character gets called out for self destructive behavior, admits her death/war/survivor trauma, and then gets reminded that the dead would want her to succeed and fight for a brighter future. She gets reminded that the dead wanted to LIVE. She steps up and leads through the power of empathy and anthropology aka my actual skillset.

And I'm just sitting there after like...fuck.

Touché, writers who probably understand exactly who their audience is and what might hit a bunch of gay neurospicy nerds in the soft places. Touché.

[haybels]

a note

I was eight. I have friends over- those friends you have because your parents are friends. We’re playing with our little sisters, and they want to dress us up. I get put in a tutu, and take it off as soon as possible. My heart is pounding- not out of embarrassment, but because I wish I could wear things like this more often.

I was twelve, laying in bed way after my bedtime. I had my iPod touch, the one I got the day I went to the Odyssey of the Mind competition in Iowa. My body was starting to change, and I was starting to lose sight of myself. In passing on the internet, I hear about a way I can make myself more comfortable. I throw myself into it- read about everything relating to it. Knowing it exists helps me. I find resources, learn the lingo, and cry as I realize how much I want it, but how much it seems out of reach. I Google if I can get hormones and surgeries without my parents permission.

I was fourteen. We were in the car, the whole family, shopping for new furniture for the living room. I was tuning everything out- a girl, my age, had jumped off an overpass on a freeway. Her parents found out she was transgender and kicked her out of the house. She took her own life. I see posts talking about her, showing awareness to the plight of people like her. I share the posts, wishing I could have the support I see her having. Her name was Leelah Alcorn. I still think about her every night before I fall asleep.

I was sixteen. I’m not a particularly good athlete, though I still go out for sports whenever possible. I get told I’m not a real man, and that feels good.

I was eighteen. I want to watch the Super Bowl, so I find some friends going to a fraternity house to watch the game. I make an impression, and I get an invitation to join. I lay in bed, night after night, thinking about what it would mean to join. I swallow my feelings, try to accept what I always will be, and sign the bid.

I was nineteen. I sit next to some people I met in class- I had sat next to them last year but never managed to talk to them. This year, they find me. We bond over being in the same major and how much we hate the required class we’re in. I tell them the secret, the one that I told myself I’d never let slip, and they become the only ones I can trust.

I was twenty. I stay inside- I can barely bring myself to leave my room. How can I face myself these days? I let myself grow unkempt. Long hair to represent what I want for myself, and unkempt facial hair to show what everyone else sees me as.

I was twenty two. I return home after graduation. All my friends are off to bigger and better things, but I don’t. It’s hard to care for your future when you haven’t felt anything in years, when you feel like there’s nothing to look forward to. I still haven’t found a job, and the failure is getting to me. If I’m not the smart one, the one who has it all together, then what’s the point. It’s clear I’ve been left behind. I sit in the garage, a rusty fishing knife pressed to my wrists, and think about finally doing it.

I was twenty three. I swallow my pride and decide I need it, that life isn’t worth living anymore if I have to tiptoe around everyone else’s feelings. I call a clinic and schedule an appointment. I get my prescription and decide this is the time I need to come clean. I’m told I don’t know what I’m talking about, that I haven’t thought this through, that I need therapy before I can make this decision. I start my treatment and lie, saying I had taken their advice and waited. Lying has become as easy as breathing, my tells becoming suppressed. What’s lying about one little thing when I’ve been hiding the truth for my whole life?

I’m twenty four. I’ve struggled for so many years. Tomorrow is when I’m reborn, but I’ve known for so many years. I’m proud of myself, but also mad that I’ve caved to others for so long and delayed what I’ve wanted my whole life. But it’s over. I’m going to be free.

I’m finally going to be happy.

[fangirl-nadir]

The more I think about Nex's murder, the more I reminisce on the death of Leelah Alcorn. It's tragic that so little has changed since her death. Leelah and Nex were two beautiful human beings who were utterly failed by society. I wish we could be better. When does this end?

[lacefuneral]

pretend this is a voice memo:

(cw i talk about trans death here but it isn't the main subject of my ramblings)

So. I consider myself to be a kind of amateur archivist in the way that like. A person might have taped a VHS of their favorite TV show back in the early 2000s. Like it's not something that I'm super organized about this kind of shit. But there are some things I'm trying to hang onto and hopefully you know in the future other people can have access to them too

And one of the projects that I am working on - have been working on for a while - is the project where- it's twofold because part of it is for the here and now for people to see themselves and seek solace in during a very politically charged and uncertain time. But the other purpose is for it to serve as a time capsule for this period of time and for it to be helpful for people in the future to see where we were

Anything that we have access to in the here and now, from the past, is something that was preserved in someway. I was able to read things like femme sharks and the transfag rag because someone said "this is important and I need to share this with other people".

and I was having a conversation last night with my friend. And I mentioned something offhand that I  have talked about many times in my answers to inquiries sent by gay trans men.  to the point where, to me, it is integral reading for transmascs of any kind.  And I forget that these are just articles that someone typed up on medium that I happened to stumble across,  and not say, a well-known book. And that websites like this are not permanent.

and my friend said that ze had never heard of them before. And I thought to myself OK I'll just look them up on Google and send the links over.   and because I'm an amateur archivist, I thought that I would back them up on the wayback machine while I did this. but when I went to grab them, the links were down.  The author had deleted these pieces.

 and I felt such a strong surge of loss and anxiety. Because this is why people archive things. Because things this important can just disappear out of nowhere. And while I was having a panic attack, my friend calmly checked the wayback machine to see if someone else had backed them up. and to my utter astonishment,  both of them had been.

The scary thing too is I know that services like the wayback machine are also ephemeral.  in truth,  everything is ephemeral.  Cloud services could disappear tomorrow. Someday my USB drives will be as worthless as floppy disks. Books go out of print.  And it's a scary thing to think about.

if my house suddenly caught fire, all of the trans art and artifacts that I have been slowly accumulating would be gone. 

and to be honest, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what I should do in terms of archiving. Do I download Tumblr blogs? Do I try to rely on a service like the wayback machine that may not be there five years from now or sooner or later? Do I keep physical printed copies of websites? Do I put things on a USB drive and hope that I'll be able to transfer the files from such an obsolete an archaic technology onto something more modern which too, will someday be obsolete.

I care so much about this subject because so much of queer history has been lost to time. Partially because of  deliberate censorship, partially because in any era  ephemera is taken for  granted. I care because Leelah Alcorn's blog and Brianna Ghey's tiktoks were deleted after their deaths. And the little insight that we have of these young women and who they were are the words that they posted on social media. And that those words were preserved by other archivists. Blake Brockington i knew of before his death - he was an instrumental figure to me as a GNC trans man - and some of his posts I found were unintentionally archived by long-abandoned trans positivity blogs due to the way that this website works. every reblog is a record. and i was able to see his smiling face again, so many years later.

I hate the idea of people being names on a list. of being abstractions. trans people live rich lives. we are all multifaceted human beings. and we deserve to be known. we deserve to be remembered, to be celebrated, to be mourned.

there is a friend-of-a-friend. not someone i know personally. someone that, i assume, most likely hates me. and i was on their blog one day, out of curiosity. and i saw their meticulous archiving of a friend who had passed away. selfies and text posts. i read their loving words about her, which painted a rich picture of who this woman was. a woman that i would not know existed, were not for their efforts to keep her memory alive.

i feel that this sort of thing is important. our existence as trans people matter. regardless of notability. things like, a teenager's tiktok. like a selfie of a man post-op. a poem written by someone who will never be formally published. a clip of a trans woman singing an original song.

and i feel this sort of. pressure. and this fear also that. while i have narrowed my archival focus to transmasc people, there is so much. and i do not know where to put these things when they are archived. i do not know how i will share them. if i painstakingly export my sideblog - the thousands of photographs and videos and audios and text posts. who will view them?

and am i putting too much pressure on myself? is this anything i should worry about at all? because all life is ephemeral? i do not know.

[daloy-politsey]

Leelah Alcorn was a transgender girl who committed suicide on December 28, 2014 as a result of her parents refusing to accept her. This is a suicide note she wrote on Tumblr. It reads:

SUICIDE NOTE

If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this from my queue.

Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in... because I’m transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continues to do traditional “boyish” things to try to fit in.

When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.

My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.

When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.

I formed a sort of “fuck you” attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight christian boy, and that’s obviously not what I wanted.

So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent’s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.

At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a shit about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.

After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I’m never going to find a man who loves me. I’m never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.

That’s the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that’s not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus the money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don’t give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I wasnt someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please

Goodbye,

(Leelah) Josh Alcorn

In the screenshot, there are 202,802 notes and the tags trans, transgender, suicide, suicide note, mmtf, mtf trans, genderqueer, gender equality, trans teen, trans teens, transgender teen, lgbt, lgbtq, lgbt rights, non-gender binary, genderfluid, and trans rights.

[reflectiondetonation]

as much as i love all this drama about butch pal for the straight girl and hilariously stupid tumblr scams like that, all or nothing, so on and so forth can we like... stop mentioning the Leelah Project during this?

theres a difference between this wave of faux-representation bullshit projects that just pitch some weak premise to get desperate representation bucks and a scam that was made in the aftermarth of a 15 year old girl and exploiting one of the tumblr lgbt's community's darkest hours under the premise it would do genuine good in the world and not make some shitty tv show

by all means make fun of these stupid tv show concepts that make no sense clearly meant to siphon money from people with too much of it but that was a truly horrifically exploitave scam following someone's death that was marketed as something that, should it have been true, actually helped people

[raytorosaurus]

hi Raytorosaurus, in the beginning of your post you said Ray has done interviews, podcasts, and blogged in recent years, can you please link me to those things? I would be extremely and eternally grateful <3

yes ofc!! this one by tom bryant (author of not the life it seems) is my favourite! and not just because ray talks about how much he loves being a stay at home dad doing chores while his wife gets her master's degree. it's just sweet, and goes a little more in depth into remember the laughter's concept than some of these other interviews.

this one isn't remember the laughter related, but tom bryant also did this interview with him the year before, after he released for the lost and brave dedicated to leelah alcorn (cw non-graphic discussion of suicide). it's really fucking sweet. ray talks a lot about his family and about fatherhood and about how he wants to raise his kids to be as kind and socially conscious as possible in pretty much all of the interviews i've linked here, but i really fucking love this thing he says in this one in particular:

"If ever my son was having a rough time I would just hope that he would trust me and allow me to be there for him. It’s common for parents and older people to look at youth in a negative way and to not respect the young as people. My wife always says that a lot of parents treat their kids like property – the whole, ‘this is my house, these are my rules and you must abide by my law’. You have to put yourself on the same level as your kid, you have to relate to them as a person. I hope that there’s more understanding about the differences between people in the future that my son grows up in.”

at the risk of sounding like a broken record, this one is also really fucking sweet. again he talks about the values he wants to impart on his kids, and how his son is featured in the lucky ones playing his child's percussion set :'''')

this one is a bit longer and just rly cute lol like just fun vibes

there's a couple of shorter ones here and here that are also worth a read. there's also this review that i like - it's not 100% positive but the writer does make a point of saying he's shocked the album didn't get much attention despite ray having been in mcr. yeah me too dude :(

this is a podcast he appeared on - he did at least one or two others but i think sadly they've been lost to time :(((((( but god this one is so sweet he's just sooooo. so <3. ray also says the band broke up a few weeks after his son was born in september 2012 which is interesting lol.

sadly a bunch of his blog stuff has been lost to time because the wayback machine has done a spotty job of archiving it but you can try to explore around the archived pages a bit. if you click around to different dates or subpages you can see some of his photography (tho sadly a lot of it hasn't been saved :((( ) and a few blog posts. you might even come across his shitty vent poetry lol <3333

and then i love this interview sooooo much too like this writer really gets it. ray talks about how he got obsessed with this free climber after watching a mountaineering documentary which inspired the great beyond, so the great beyond actually features a fucking chalk bag as a percussion instrument because he's insane and i love him. it also has the line "enthusiasm leaking from him like a punctured capri-sun" LOL. and then it wraps up with this statement that i really love:

Mixed, engineered and almost entirely performed by Toro, ‘Remember The Laughter’ is very much this man’s pride and joy. Every nuance of the record is explained with intricate detail and the subject matter held within comes straight from his heart. Whether you like it or not remains to be seen, as its influences are often drawn from well outside the My Chemical Romance sphere. Whether you listen to it or not, though, really comes down to this: do you want to hear some honest music?

because honestly that's the one common thread through all of mcr's discography and every single one of their solo projects. they are all 100% earnest. they all access that honesty in different ways and ray's definitely not a super accomplished lyricist so some of the lines on rtl verge on corny or schmaltzy sometimes but they never, ever sound fake or inauthentic. he wrote the album imagining he was speaking the lyrics to his son to instill a sense of hope in him about the world so he'd grow up with the belief that he was capable of making it a better place and he fucking means every word of it bro. he's ray toro :( i like him :((((

[ratbastarddotfuck]

CW discussion of a high publicity trans suicide from 8 years ago, I'll be tagging this obv but want to say off the bat that this may be a tough read - I'm not exactly sure what I want to say.

I've been thinking a lot about Leelah Alcorn lately. She would've been 24 this year - only a year older than myself - and it's been almost 8 years since her suicide. I won't ever forget her, I don't know how anyone who was around at the time could.

If you weren't on tumblr/the internet in general at the time, it's probably hard to conceptualise how... big it was. How many people were talking about this one trans girl's suicide. Reading her note, published on her blog via the queue function. Seeing all the pain, and outrage, art and activism happening all at once. Being a young trans kid who was only beginning to unpack their own gender, and wondering if it was worth it. Feeling hurt and outraged in ways you couldn't quite articulate. That was my experience, anyway.

To be honest, it was scary. After the initial flood of conversation, discourse, tributes, I kind of... locked it away, for a while. Tried not to think about it. It was morbid and terrifying and I didn't have anyone I could actually talk to about it. It's not like my parents knew what was happening in the 2014 tumblr trans community. It's not like I could've explained it, or how it was making me feel.

But at the same time as terrifying me, it incensed me. How dare her parents let this happen, and refuse to respect her even after her death? And so many people felt the same. This was a community boiling over with rage and hurt, in a way I had certainly never seen before. People came to Leelah's defence, told the bastards we will say her name, we will remember her, we will honour her. And she has been honoured. Her name has been spoken, so many times, by so many people. People were screaming, we love you, we love you, we love you, and we're sorry. And fuck, that was powerful. At such a formative time in my personal political growth, trans unity like this was powerful.

I've been thinking a lot about Leelah Alcorn lately. I never knew her, and I don't even know if I would have liked her. I wish I had the chance to find out. But I remember her. Her name is etched into a corner of my soul.

I'm not sure if I have a point, or how to end this. But just... remember her, if you can.

[womenofultron-blog]

remembering Leelah Alcorn in 2019

(personal note: for years i was suicidal and really believed that Leelah’s message was my same situation. i thought if anything i need to die to be an inspiration to others who feel bad that i died so young. this is a message to EVERYONE who has that “martyr” complex: things always get better. they do. you have no idea how good it’s gonna get, ESPECIALLY if you’re a minor. you have so much to experience. it is concieted to believe you can take the mantle of dying for others. you are truly naturally important, but not that kind of important.)

Leelah Alcorn’s blog was deleted and posts about her are being removed. Don’t stop spreading this. Reblog everything you can, post everything you can. 

These are her pictures

here are some of her drawings

this is her note

Don’t let this die.

Not this.

[thegaythey]

Dear Leelah Alcorn,

CW: death by sui., cissexism, transmisogynor, transmisogyny, transphobia, discrimination, harassment, violence,

Dear Leelah Alcorn,

I cannot believe it’s been five years since we lost you to suicide. Sweetheart, you were and you still are an asset to our community.

It’s hard to think about the facts that really put your suicide into perspective in regard to time:

It was 2014.

You died on December 28th, just a few days after a day the world thinks should be “happy.”

The primary articles about you came out a couple

of days later on December 30th.

I was not even out to myself, let alone anyone else yet. My assigned pronouns and my birth name were beginning to sting harder, but they were still a few months away from finally unfolding into answers and then reforming into my pronouns and name today.

I don’t even remember 2014, but I can almost guarantee that I was in the same boat as you were— I just did not know why.

But, sweet girl, you did. You knew why you were hurting, and for some awful reason, you were faced with people and circumstances that would hurt you more because of this.

I will always remember your beautiful picture of you in a dress, a mirror selfie in a dressing room. You looked so happy, and simultaneously so hurt, this fitting room a closet, with a mirror that could finally look back at you, and that you could finally look into, but a sadness that this mirror felt like it probably had to stay there. Just like that gorgeous dress probably would. Along with your smile.

You should know your suicide note has been immortalized in the internet and in print books alike. Your words have rung in trans, and moving ally ears, but we all know we have not met your request.

“Fix it. Fix society.”

A couple of years after your death, Obama ended his second term, and we got a retaliation like never before, the biggest bigots across political arenas filled seats.

Laws were rewritten, rejected, replaced, or ruled minimal compared to sneaky ways for people to avoid enforcing them or following them.

Years after your death, trans women of color still have the highest homicide rate.

Years after your death, our community maintains a 44% suicide rate, and among your youth age bracket, ages 12-25, this last year, reported a 54% suicidal ideation rate, and near 50% suicide death rate, specifically citing our political climate as the cause for feeling this scared and hopeless.

It’s like suicide is the only way to avoid death by society, by homicide, but the fact of the matter is that suicide IS homicide. No one, as yourself, CHOOSES to die by suicide. You, and everyone else, all are PUSHED to it. It is the discrimination, harassment, and violence that our siblings face, and the fear of all of it, which lead to these deaths, which lead to every death by suicide. At the end of the day, this world PUSHED you into traffic.

I hate to tell you, Leelah, Trans people continue to face discrimination in schools, workplaces, health care, housing, shelter, and every aspect of their lives imaginable. Trans people are fired from or denied jobs, evicted or denied housing, refused both primary care treatment and gender affirming medical care, and even refused service, or even entry, in everyday public spaces.

Many states have done better by us, but many states have done worse. Our federal government since 2016 has truly schemed to quite literally erase us, following dehumanization and literally legal (or legalizing) discrimination.

Leelah, no matter what has happened in the past five years, I hope you know so many of us are still trying to do better. So many parents read your story and accepted their living transgender child and literally have saved their life. So many trans people were inspired by you to try harder to stay here to fight for our whole entire community, themselves, all the other siblings we continued to lose, and you, our sweet girl loved by so many brought to tears by your story and your words in your suicide note. We are forever indebted to you for all the sacrifices you have made for us, for everyone— for the whole entire world. We love you, Leelah. We promise you have not died ‘for nothing.’ I am just so sorry it’s taking longer than we all hoped, and it all seemed that it had to get worse before it finally gets completely better. Leelah, you are remember. Leelah, you are loved. And I promise you are remember and you are loved AS LEELAH by our chosen family, our siblings, our community.

Rest in Power, sweet girl.

[cesabutterflywrites]

A Sign For Leelah & Other Kids

Cw: a message for kids (of all ages)  contemplating suicide 

May 15, 2020 @ 12:34 pm

I have lost many friends in the short time I’ve been alive

Either from leaving, moving, and dying by suicide

And each time my hands shake with fear as I sit

Screaming to myself about the pain they were in

I once tried to leave this world in pain

Just getting out of bed was such a strain

But when I’d see a kid on the edge

I’d pull myself out if there was a chance

When I see your words I feel that shake 

In my hands and I try to stay awake

Because yes, I’ve lost friends, this is true 

Still I’m not used to the pain and I can’t lose you 

I feel you, I see you, I hear your song

I want to help you breathe even if you feel wrong

Please, I know I’m selfish to beg

 But the thought of you dead just fills me with dread

To never see your name, hear your voice, see your face

It is a heartbreak I’ll never be able to take

You think since I’ve lost I’ll be fine to lose you 

How badly I want to tell you that isn’t even true

I’ll always support you morning or night

I’ll stay up with you while you fight your fight

Sleep means nothing to me if you’re not here

One breath at a time, I’ll always be here

-------

All week I have been thinking about Leelah Alcorn. She was a girl who killed herself in December 2014 because her parents sent her to conversion therapy for being trans. She felt there was no way out. I think about her often, but this week it's been more intense. 

As quarantine goes on, I've seen a rise in kids talking about how hard it is to be stuck with their abusive parents, their homophobic & transphobic family, and how hard it is for them to find the will to live. I have kids I talk to online who enjoy my writing. 

If I were to lose any of them it would be torture. If you can, please share this. For Leelah. For my friends. For anyone who needs a sign.

Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling. Here’s a link to a list of hotlines

[fangirl-nadir]

Leelah died to make the world better for trans kids .

Nex's death shows how little the world has changed since then.

How many children will have to be martyrs before it's safe to be trans? How many children must die to make people care?

I hope Leelah and Nex find kinship wherever they are now. And I hope the world doesn't forget Nex like it did Leelah.

[melonfelonsposts]

cw: suicide

Tomorrow will be four years since the death of Leelah Alcorn. Some people may know her name, others might not. She was a transgender girl who was 17 at the time of her passing. When she was 14 and she first read about the transgender identity, she wept with joy because she had finally found why she didn't feel right in her skin, an identity she could cling to. Her parents viciously and cruelly rejected her, sending her to conversion camp, withdrawing her from school, and depriving her of means to connect with friends. On December 28, 2014, Leelah took her own life, citing in her suicide note that she wanted her death to mean something. She didn't want any more trans people suffering at the hands of those who refused to make efforts toward understand the way she and millions of others feel. Please take a moment of your time tomorrow to reflect on how lonely she must have felt, and consider donating to an LGBT-based charity. And please, if you do nothing else, remember to be kind to others even when you can't understand them. Be a person who stops this from happening again.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

How to deal with a parent who forces gender roles onto a gender confused child??? I need reassurance help ugh I don't knwo what to do it bothers me and I 'm overwhelmed

Harper says:I don’t know specifics, so I’ll try and keep my advice wide-ranging. The first half of this assumes you are the child dealing with your own parent, and the second half will assume you know a child who’s parent is enforcing gender roles.

1:

In this section I’m assuming you are the child mentioned in the ask, so hey there!

The first thing you should do is check out our resources on non-supportive people and parents at the end of this section, you’re more likely to find something that caters to your needs as I don’t know specifics.

Secondly, my advice is, if possible, to spend time in spaces where you are accepted and validated. This could be online or with friends irl. If possible, you may also want to spend time finding new friends or safe spaces in LGBT centres/LGBT orientated places. I know talking about shared experiences with friends can really help work through the stress, anger, and fears of having unaccepting parent(s). And even if you’re not talking about all that, just spending time with people who respect and understand you can do a lot for your mental health and ability to deal with parents. It can also provide a space to experiment with gender: to try on different clothes, pronouns, and so on, which is very important when you’re trying to figure things out and your parent is enforcing strict roles.

I would also advise, if at all possible and safe to do so, going to therapy and discussing these things. It can open up methods of dealing with frustrations, provide support, and open up channels and methods of talking with your parent about such issues.

It may come to the point of talking to parent about gender, to make them aware that what they are doing distresses you. During this conversation, it is good to be confident in and knowledgeable about what you’re talking about. This can calm your parent down and make them more receptive to what you’re telling them. In your case, being so confused about gender, it can be very unproductive to have these conversations, especially with high emotions about. I’d then say perhaps do some reading, find a way of expressing what gender is in a way that your parent will likely listen to. Our for parents/guardians page (linked below too) is a good place to start. I would also consider the possibility that if you do have this conversation, your parent may ask “what are you? / what do you identify as?” if you’re confused about this, you may want to try our what am I page?, but I’d also highlight that to say “I don’t know yet” or other negative definitions like “I’m not x, or y, or z” is also a perfectly valid response, even if that is difficult for your parent to accept at first.Lastly, I’ll signpost you to our various pages linked on our desktop theme. Hopefully there’ll be something there to help you cope, either with presentation, validation, mental health etc.. I also want to remind you that it can take a long time for parents to come round and understand and accept you, and it unfortunately, it may never happen. Be patient but stay safe.

Resources:

Transfeminine resources

Transmasculine resources

Non-binary resources

Dysphoria Page

Mental health

What am I?

What if someone is not supportive after I come out?

Help, someone wasn’t supportive/won’t call my by my name/pronouns

How to deal with parents that are not accepting

Problem solving packet

Parents who won’t use name/pronouns

Interpersonal relationships

Transgender Advice: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Ally Moms

Send them our for parents page

A Letter to Parents Who Don’t Accept Their Gay and Transgender Children

Rejected by your parents? You are not alone. (Leelah Alcorn suicide mention)

How to help someone who forgets your pronouns

Scientific evidence about gender/sexuality stuff

More resources for parents:

Trans 101 / Trans 101 Youtube videos / More trans 101

Understanding Transgender: Why are people transgender?

Genderqueer/Nonbinary 101

What does dysphoria feel like?

Transgender FAQ

Things to not say to a trans person

Think you’ve got “trans” down, but still feel confused about “non-binary”?

What does transgender mean?

More on what being transgender means

Glossary of Terms - Transgender

Basic questions about trans people, answered

Tips for allies

What is intersex and is it the same as being trans?

List of recommended resources

List of offensive terms

How to support a trans person experiencing body dysphoria

Gender neutral titles

How to be a good ally to nonbinary people

10 myths about nonbinary people that it’s time to unlearn

Experiencing a common gender, experiencing a unique gender, and experiencing multiple genders

Why gender and sex are both social constructs

Learning how to be a better ally to trans people (video)

PFLAG’s guide to being a trans ally

Send them our for parents page

A Letter to Parents Who Don’t Accept Their Gay and Transgender Children

Reasons why they/them pronouns are okay to use

So your child is non-binary

2:

In this section, I am assuming you know a child who’s parent is enforcing gender roles. For the majority of this section, I’m going to assume here you’re closer in age to the child rather than the parent, and the child is notably younger than you.

In such a situation, there may be very little you can do to ‘deal’ with the parent directly. The parent may not be really able to talk with you, or indeed listen, and any talk along the lines of “I think you are treating your child wrong…” etc. is likely to shut down any conversation. (This may not be the case. You might be a similar age to the parent and friends with them, if so perhaps they could be a little more open to such talks?)

I also think you have to acknowledge that there might be, unfortunately, very little you can legally or actually do in such a situation. However, if the situation is abusive, child protection services may have to be called in. See this post on action dealing with abusive parenting. CW for abuse, trauma, parents, etc..

If it is safe for you to do so, providing the child with even an awareness of the possibilities of the varieties of gender expression could be a way to help out. Subtly changing your language around them to acknowledge trans and non-binary people, or any form of gendered variance, for example: if the instance of boys wearing skirts or makeup comes up express how that is an o.k. and good thing! Or perhaps, change your language, and encourage language that is gender neutral. “Pals” or “folks” instead of “guys” or “dudes”. “They” instead of assuming gendered pronouns. Even though its subtle, representation and language use like this can be incredibly important, as it not only opens up the possibilities to trans children, but also starts a conversation examining the gender roles all children (cis, trans, etc.) are subject to (however gender confused they may be). If you’re in a position to share media/stories/whatever that are safe for kids that include varying modes of gender performance could be good! There’s a growing number of children’s books that deal with trans people and gnc performances. The Boy and the Bindi by Vivek Shraya comes to mind.If the child is older, it might be an idea to direct them to resources where they can learn in their own time about gender and sexuality. Our blog for example!I would lastly like to stress that directly confronting the child with things like: “you’re gender confused, I am going to help you.” will be accusatory and stressful, and may create an unsafe situation for the child. What I am advising, if it is within your means to do so, is to include the avenues for further learning about gender within your conversations and within your language in a non-confrontational way. Always take into account yours and the child’s safety, and educate gently, but positively.

[cardigans-and-bowties]

Lots of 2-4am feelings 

CW: transphobia, murder, ableism, police brutality, and a lot of worldsuck. Also religious/spiritual stuff toward the end apparently.... I didn’t plan it, it just happened.....

I'm literally talking about researching anti-trans murder ... .Also very emotional and therefore unnuanced in ways that it might be if I were to actually discuss these issues with someone......

I don't really know who to talk to about this because most of my friends that I would tell are asleep or just really shouldn't be put through the emotional labor of listing to this. So I'm mostly just venting. I'm editing biographies for my LGBT group's Transgender Day of Remembrance event. It's certainly not the first time I've stayed up at some ungodly hour recording things about people we've lost (the first 1000+ on the list we have and then some), but it's not like it stops being sad. I've felt different about it throughout the year and a half I've worked on it, but the anger is sad, the defeated is sad, the hope that we can make it better is sad, the numbness is sad. 

I'm not sure there's much more disheartening than trying to find the birthday of a dead person despite the fact that you know that you probably won't find it. This also isn't the first time I've done this. There are a lot of folks who don't have recorded ages, let alone birthdays. But I thought maybe *just maybe* in the age of technology I could find the birthday of someone who died in the US in 2010. But after seeing an article about how the murderer's lawyer made a joke that killing a trans sex worker wasn't that bad, I had to stop. And this was after spending a half an hour reading and rereading the details of Simon Bush's murder (and finally finding the sentencing date of the murderer) and thinking about how many ways it could have been stopped and how fucked up the whole system is. 

Just in the US, if the legal system gave a shit about the mentally ill, Simon's murderer wouldn't have been able to kill them. If the legal system gave a shit about the mentally ill trans people, Kayden Clarke and Sean Hake wouldn't be dead. If the legal system gave a fuck about mentally ill trans women of color, Kiwi Herring and Laverne Turner wouldn't be dead. If the legal system gave a shit about trans people of color, Rae'Lynn Thomas's killer - her mother's ex-boyfriend who was apologetically transphobic towards her - would have been investigated as though he had committed a hate crime and Marsha P Johnson's murder wouldn't have been written off as a suicide despite a still unknown murderer bragged about killing her at a bar the day after. If the legal system gave a shit about transgender people, most of the people on this list wouldn't (in all likelihood) have murderers who have never seen a night on the inside of a jail cell for what they did. 

This really doesn't even scratch the surface of the tip of the iceberg in a glance of how trans people are abused by the US legal system (and I didn't even touch on how people are treated in jail... I know there are people that I've read about who died misgendered and ignored in jail but I just don't have the energy to dig that deep right now). This isn't even looking at the role that class plays. This isn't even looking at it on a global level - nearly every fucking country is guilty. Thousands of deaths aren't acknowledged because they are legal in some countries. Over 800 trans people have been recorded as being murdered in Brazil alone. European countries aren't exempt either. People are still murdered - still pushed to suicide. 

Shit like this doesn't happen out of nowhere. A bunch of people don't decide "hey lets kill that person that look trans" for no reason. Boyfriends don't kill their girlfriends because theyre scared of their friends discovering she's trans by some fluke one-person "crazy"-man decision. Multiple doctors don't just refuse to treat a dying trans person because they're an asshole in the vacuum of space. There is context for everything. An infographic went around recently about rape culture and how passing comments reinforce the jokes which reinforce the catcalling which reinforces larger, more physically violent acts. Its the same thing here. 

Cis people still wonder why trans people have to make such a big deal about pronouns or names. Or complain that they "can't enjoy anything because all the LGBTs are so fucking sensitive". I’ve seen three separate fucking facebook threads about gender reveal parties - all of which featured a pack of Cisgender Susannes saying “we just can’t enjoy anything anymore” or “well I don’t see a problem with it”. Your joke is not more important that someone's mental health. Your comfort is not more important that someone's safety. 

I was angry for such a long time. I still am - but anger used to be the main emotion - I was in a rage at everyone. I was hopeless. Now I'm trying my damnedest not to be. I've gotten to the point where I am forcing myself into some kind of hope. I am reaching for anything to make me feel like this world doesn't hate queer people. I am doing everything I can so that my walk on this earth can make it easier for the people who walk on it after me. Sometimes it is fucking hard. When it's 1am and I still cant so much as find a last name and age for someone killed in 2010 (because she was trans and homeless) it's hard not to be pissed the world. When it's 2am and I'm looking at Leelah Alcorn's last typed words again, reading for the 1000th time her age and thinking for the 1000th time "she was so fucking close to being able to get out of that house", remembering the names of the other teens who died the same way she did because the world around them treated them like they were sub-human, remembering that 41% of transgender people attempt suicide because of this shit place, remembering that we don't have anything close to accurate number to know how many actually do commit suicide, it's hard not to be pissed at the world. 

I worry myself fucking sick worrying if one of my friends could be next. They take public transport,  they go to protests - my best friend has sent me pictures from an STL police line featuring full riot gear. Most queer people I know are mentally ill. I am worried fucking sick. I see the numbers and I just have to suppress what I can as far as this personal worry goes. 

I think the only reason I'm not completely jaded (if you can believe it) is God and the fact that we were made and that we are loved and that we are all connected to each other through that. We are bigger than us and we were made to love each other - to be each other. Everything is connected. The systems I talked about earlier - they're all connected. But they were created broken. I have no faith in that. But if we were created by something perfect, that means there is hope for people. As fucking cheesey as it sounds, if we loved each other - genuinely listened and tried to understand - there would be so much less pain. I think a lot about how this connection goes both ways. That's how empathy works. That's why oppressions are connected. The genuine understanding and emotions and ability to help each other so deeply is so beautiful. That is the main thing that keeps me from being hopeless. If we focus on healing ourselves and each other it has the potential to reach others. If I spread good in this world, it will affect more people than I know. And that is how change can happen. It starts from the individual and it spreads. Each person affects each person and that has the opportunity to be so beautiful and I have to hold on to that hope. The world only changes through people. As shitty as everything seems, it can be less shitty if more people are trying. By God’s grace, we can find still love in a world that produces this many volumes of pain.

I dunno, ya'll (I say as if someone will have read this far down this wall of 3am rambling). I'm just having a lot of feelings. I've got to keep doing what I'm doing - helping people, being a better person, trying to do what I can to do anything to help this fucked up world, keeping just one person from having to feel as much pain..

[scaldinghate]

Even after all these years it's still relevant, especially now.

Leelah Alcorn’s blog was deleted and posts about her are being removed. Don’t stop spreading this. Reblog everything you can, post everything you can. 

These are her pictures

here are some of her drawings

this is her note

Don’t let this die.

Not this.