#cw: leelah alcorn

[lacefuneral]

pretend this is a voice memo:

(cw i talk about trans death here but it isn't the main subject of my ramblings)

So. I consider myself to be a kind of amateur archivist in the way that like. A person might have taped a VHS of their favorite TV show back in the early 2000s. Like it's not something that I'm super organized about this kind of shit. But there are some things I'm trying to hang onto and hopefully you know in the future other people can have access to them too

And one of the projects that I am working on - have been working on for a while - is the project where- it's twofold because part of it is for the here and now for people to see themselves and seek solace in during a very politically charged and uncertain time. But the other purpose is for it to serve as a time capsule for this period of time and for it to be helpful for people in the future to see where we were

Anything that we have access to in the here and now, from the past, is something that was preserved in someway. I was able to read things like femme sharks and the transfag rag because someone said "this is important and I need to share this with other people".

and I was having a conversation last night with my friend. And I mentioned something offhand that I  have talked about many times in my answers to inquiries sent by gay trans men.  to the point where, to me, it is integral reading for transmascs of any kind.  And I forget that these are just articles that someone typed up on medium that I happened to stumble across,  and not say, a well-known book. And that websites like this are not permanent.

and my friend said that ze had never heard of them before. And I thought to myself OK I'll just look them up on Google and send the links over.   and because I'm an amateur archivist, I thought that I would back them up on the wayback machine while I did this. but when I went to grab them, the links were down.  The author had deleted these pieces.

 and I felt such a strong surge of loss and anxiety. Because this is why people archive things. Because things this important can just disappear out of nowhere. And while I was having a panic attack, my friend calmly checked the wayback machine to see if someone else had backed them up. and to my utter astonishment,  both of them had been.

The scary thing too is I know that services like the wayback machine are also ephemeral.  in truth,  everything is ephemeral.  Cloud services could disappear tomorrow. Someday my USB drives will be as worthless as floppy disks. Books go out of print.  And it's a scary thing to think about.

if my house suddenly caught fire, all of the trans art and artifacts that I have been slowly accumulating would be gone. 

and to be honest, I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what I should do in terms of archiving. Do I download Tumblr blogs? Do I try to rely on a service like the wayback machine that may not be there five years from now or sooner or later? Do I keep physical printed copies of websites? Do I put things on a USB drive and hope that I'll be able to transfer the files from such an obsolete an archaic technology onto something more modern which too, will someday be obsolete.

I care so much about this subject because so much of queer history has been lost to time. Partially because of  deliberate censorship, partially because in any era  ephemera is taken for  granted. I care because Leelah Alcorn's blog and Brianna Ghey's tiktoks were deleted after their deaths. And the little insight that we have of these young women and who they were are the words that they posted on social media. And that those words were preserved by other archivists. Blake Brockington i knew of before his death - he was an instrumental figure to me as a GNC trans man - and some of his posts I found were unintentionally archived by long-abandoned trans positivity blogs due to the way that this website works. every reblog is a record. and i was able to see his smiling face again, so many years later.

I hate the idea of people being names on a list. of being abstractions. trans people live rich lives. we are all multifaceted human beings. and we deserve to be known. we deserve to be remembered, to be celebrated, to be mourned.

there is a friend-of-a-friend. not someone i know personally. someone that, i assume, most likely hates me. and i was on their blog one day, out of curiosity. and i saw their meticulous archiving of a friend who had passed away. selfies and text posts. i read their loving words about her, which painted a rich picture of who this woman was. a woman that i would not know existed, were not for their efforts to keep her memory alive.

i feel that this sort of thing is important. our existence as trans people matter. regardless of notability. things like, a teenager's tiktok. like a selfie of a man post-op. a poem written by someone who will never be formally published. a clip of a trans woman singing an original song.

and i feel this sort of. pressure. and this fear also that. while i have narrowed my archival focus to transmasc people, there is so much. and i do not know where to put these things when they are archived. i do not know how i will share them. if i painstakingly export my sideblog - the thousands of photographs and videos and audios and text posts. who will view them?

and am i putting too much pressure on myself? is this anything i should worry about at all? because all life is ephemeral? i do not know.

[raytorosaurus]

hi Raytorosaurus, in the beginning of your post you said Ray has done interviews, podcasts, and blogged in recent years, can you please link me to those things? I would be extremely and eternally grateful <3

yes ofc!! this one by tom bryant (author of not the life it seems) is my favourite! and not just because ray talks about how much he loves being a stay at home dad doing chores while his wife gets her master's degree. it's just sweet, and goes a little more in depth into remember the laughter's concept than some of these other interviews.

this one isn't remember the laughter related, but tom bryant also did this interview with him the year before, after he released for the lost and brave dedicated to leelah alcorn (cw non-graphic discussion of suicide). it's really fucking sweet. ray talks a lot about his family and about fatherhood and about how he wants to raise his kids to be as kind and socially conscious as possible in pretty much all of the interviews i've linked here, but i really fucking love this thing he says in this one in particular:

"If ever my son was having a rough time I would just hope that he would trust me and allow me to be there for him. It’s common for parents and older people to look at youth in a negative way and to not respect the young as people. My wife always says that a lot of parents treat their kids like property – the whole, ‘this is my house, these are my rules and you must abide by my law’. You have to put yourself on the same level as your kid, you have to relate to them as a person. I hope that there’s more understanding about the differences between people in the future that my son grows up in.”

at the risk of sounding like a broken record, this one is also really fucking sweet. again he talks about the values he wants to impart on his kids, and how his son is featured in the lucky ones playing his child's percussion set :'''')

this one is a bit longer and just rly cute lol like just fun vibes

there's a couple of shorter ones here and here that are also worth a read. there's also this review that i like - it's not 100% positive but the writer does make a point of saying he's shocked the album didn't get much attention despite ray having been in mcr. yeah me too dude :(

this is a podcast he appeared on - he did at least one or two others but i think sadly they've been lost to time :(((((( but god this one is so sweet he's just sooooo. so <3. ray also says the band broke up a few weeks after his son was born in september 2012 which is interesting lol.

sadly a bunch of his blog stuff has been lost to time because the wayback machine has done a spotty job of archiving it but you can try to explore around the archived pages a bit. if you click around to different dates or subpages you can see some of his photography (tho sadly a lot of it hasn't been saved :((( ) and a few blog posts. you might even come across his shitty vent poetry lol <3333

and then i love this interview sooooo much too like this writer really gets it. ray talks about how he got obsessed with this free climber after watching a mountaineering documentary which inspired the great beyond, so the great beyond actually features a fucking chalk bag as a percussion instrument because he's insane and i love him. it also has the line "enthusiasm leaking from him like a punctured capri-sun" LOL. and then it wraps up with this statement that i really love:

Mixed, engineered and almost entirely performed by Toro, ‘Remember The Laughter’ is very much this man’s pride and joy. Every nuance of the record is explained with intricate detail and the subject matter held within comes straight from his heart. Whether you like it or not remains to be seen, as its influences are often drawn from well outside the My Chemical Romance sphere. Whether you listen to it or not, though, really comes down to this: do you want to hear some honest music?

because honestly that's the one common thread through all of mcr's discography and every single one of their solo projects. they are all 100% earnest. they all access that honesty in different ways and ray's definitely not a super accomplished lyricist so some of the lines on rtl verge on corny or schmaltzy sometimes but they never, ever sound fake or inauthentic. he wrote the album imagining he was speaking the lyrics to his son to instill a sense of hope in him about the world so he'd grow up with the belief that he was capable of making it a better place and he fucking means every word of it bro. he's ray toro :( i like him :((((

[cardigans-and-bowties]

Lots of 2-4am feelings 

CW: transphobia, murder, ableism, police brutality, and a lot of worldsuck. Also religious/spiritual stuff toward the end apparently.... I didn’t plan it, it just happened.....

I'm literally talking about researching anti-trans murder ... .Also very emotional and therefore unnuanced in ways that it might be if I were to actually discuss these issues with someone......

I don't really know who to talk to about this because most of my friends that I would tell are asleep or just really shouldn't be put through the emotional labor of listing to this. So I'm mostly just venting. I'm editing biographies for my LGBT group's Transgender Day of Remembrance event. It's certainly not the first time I've stayed up at some ungodly hour recording things about people we've lost (the first 1000+ on the list we have and then some), but it's not like it stops being sad. I've felt different about it throughout the year and a half I've worked on it, but the anger is sad, the defeated is sad, the hope that we can make it better is sad, the numbness is sad. 

I'm not sure there's much more disheartening than trying to find the birthday of a dead person despite the fact that you know that you probably won't find it. This also isn't the first time I've done this. There are a lot of folks who don't have recorded ages, let alone birthdays. But I thought maybe *just maybe* in the age of technology I could find the birthday of someone who died in the US in 2010. But after seeing an article about how the murderer's lawyer made a joke that killing a trans sex worker wasn't that bad, I had to stop. And this was after spending a half an hour reading and rereading the details of Simon Bush's murder (and finally finding the sentencing date of the murderer) and thinking about how many ways it could have been stopped and how fucked up the whole system is. 

Just in the US, if the legal system gave a shit about the mentally ill, Simon's murderer wouldn't have been able to kill them. If the legal system gave a shit about the mentally ill trans people, Kayden Clarke and Sean Hake wouldn't be dead. If the legal system gave a fuck about mentally ill trans women of color, Kiwi Herring and Laverne Turner wouldn't be dead. If the legal system gave a shit about trans people of color, Rae'Lynn Thomas's killer - her mother's ex-boyfriend who was apologetically transphobic towards her - would have been investigated as though he had committed a hate crime and Marsha P Johnson's murder wouldn't have been written off as a suicide despite a still unknown murderer bragged about killing her at a bar the day after. If the legal system gave a shit about transgender people, most of the people on this list wouldn't (in all likelihood) have murderers who have never seen a night on the inside of a jail cell for what they did. 

This really doesn't even scratch the surface of the tip of the iceberg in a glance of how trans people are abused by the US legal system (and I didn't even touch on how people are treated in jail... I know there are people that I've read about who died misgendered and ignored in jail but I just don't have the energy to dig that deep right now). This isn't even looking at the role that class plays. This isn't even looking at it on a global level - nearly every fucking country is guilty. Thousands of deaths aren't acknowledged because they are legal in some countries. Over 800 trans people have been recorded as being murdered in Brazil alone. European countries aren't exempt either. People are still murdered - still pushed to suicide. 

Shit like this doesn't happen out of nowhere. A bunch of people don't decide "hey lets kill that person that look trans" for no reason. Boyfriends don't kill their girlfriends because theyre scared of their friends discovering she's trans by some fluke one-person "crazy"-man decision. Multiple doctors don't just refuse to treat a dying trans person because they're an asshole in the vacuum of space. There is context for everything. An infographic went around recently about rape culture and how passing comments reinforce the jokes which reinforce the catcalling which reinforces larger, more physically violent acts. Its the same thing here. 

Cis people still wonder why trans people have to make such a big deal about pronouns or names. Or complain that they "can't enjoy anything because all the LGBTs are so fucking sensitive". I’ve seen three separate fucking facebook threads about gender reveal parties - all of which featured a pack of Cisgender Susannes saying “we just can’t enjoy anything anymore” or “well I don’t see a problem with it”. Your joke is not more important that someone's mental health. Your comfort is not more important that someone's safety. 

I was angry for such a long time. I still am - but anger used to be the main emotion - I was in a rage at everyone. I was hopeless. Now I'm trying my damnedest not to be. I've gotten to the point where I am forcing myself into some kind of hope. I am reaching for anything to make me feel like this world doesn't hate queer people. I am doing everything I can so that my walk on this earth can make it easier for the people who walk on it after me. Sometimes it is fucking hard. When it's 1am and I still cant so much as find a last name and age for someone killed in 2010 (because she was trans and homeless) it's hard not to be pissed the world. When it's 2am and I'm looking at Leelah Alcorn's last typed words again, reading for the 1000th time her age and thinking for the 1000th time "she was so fucking close to being able to get out of that house", remembering the names of the other teens who died the same way she did because the world around them treated them like they were sub-human, remembering that 41% of transgender people attempt suicide because of this shit place, remembering that we don't have anything close to accurate number to know how many actually do commit suicide, it's hard not to be pissed at the world. 

I worry myself fucking sick worrying if one of my friends could be next. They take public transport,  they go to protests - my best friend has sent me pictures from an STL police line featuring full riot gear. Most queer people I know are mentally ill. I am worried fucking sick. I see the numbers and I just have to suppress what I can as far as this personal worry goes. 

I think the only reason I'm not completely jaded (if you can believe it) is God and the fact that we were made and that we are loved and that we are all connected to each other through that. We are bigger than us and we were made to love each other - to be each other. Everything is connected. The systems I talked about earlier - they're all connected. But they were created broken. I have no faith in that. But if we were created by something perfect, that means there is hope for people. As fucking cheesey as it sounds, if we loved each other - genuinely listened and tried to understand - there would be so much less pain. I think a lot about how this connection goes both ways. That's how empathy works. That's why oppressions are connected. The genuine understanding and emotions and ability to help each other so deeply is so beautiful. That is the main thing that keeps me from being hopeless. If we focus on healing ourselves and each other it has the potential to reach others. If I spread good in this world, it will affect more people than I know. And that is how change can happen. It starts from the individual and it spreads. Each person affects each person and that has the opportunity to be so beautiful and I have to hold on to that hope. The world only changes through people. As shitty as everything seems, it can be less shitty if more people are trying. By God’s grace, we can find still love in a world that produces this many volumes of pain.

I dunno, ya'll (I say as if someone will have read this far down this wall of 3am rambling). I'm just having a lot of feelings. I've got to keep doing what I'm doing - helping people, being a better person, trying to do what I can to do anything to help this fucked up world, keeping just one person from having to feel as much pain..