#cuz i asked why he didnt respond sooner

[venician-chanel]

I’m sorry i had a thingy and didnt want to say cuz he was tired and should sleep instead. I’m sorry but i feel hideous and insufficient at being a good gf ever since i dont feel clingy anymore, and i’m sorry i get him mad bc i mention other guys bc when i was clingy that was the fastest way to get him to react to see, and i’m sorry idc anymore if he wants to be gay bc i love him but i’m just used to the space now. And i’m sorry for not being sexier when really i’m just tired of being pure sex. And i’m sorry for being myself bc i really wish i wasnt, but i’ll cry bc im just me and i’m shy and stupid and i get angry so much and i hate looking people in the eyes and i hate staying quiet when something bothers me and i hate that things are so heavy on me and i just gotta keep going and i want to just not think but so many thoughts just attack me all at once and i want to be alone bc thats all ive ever been and i dont want help nor will ask for it bc even tho you were there when i was finally a person, i was alone and i was tired of trying to save myself, i wished so much to just anything happen to me, i didnt want to continue and i couldnt imagine a future near decently near of happiness bc i was a bitter bitch guys poked at or didnt bother with and girls just used to make themselves look good and having someone to talk to. I was so lonely, so obviously lonely and angry yet no one has ever looked at me and said anything to make me feel safe. No one. I was so lonely, so stressed and tired and small. No one has ever made me feel like they were there to stay. I held on to the smallest moments of compassion it was pathetic. pretty boy who hugged me when i told him about my house situation but never once saying ok to me waiting for him after his stupid mission and then him getting with another mormon girl. Vince who said he was sorry for everything that happened with kimberly but talked so much trash about me and even asked me to stop liking him even when i told people to shut up if they talked bad about him. Thats it. Thats the only taste of kindness i could ever have back then. But in those moments of absolute sadness and loneliness, i held them so close to my heart like medicine that it was ok. and i hate that u tried to let me go twice, even if they were short, but they happened so fast and i just kept telling myself you would respond sooner or later. Why would u even push me away like that u little shit? Why do i always have to push myself onto someone? And now looking back, it was funny at first that he and I disliked each other we teased each other so much, but now, i dont know if that was just how low my self esteem was. I know he says i was different thats why he treated me differently. That since we were these frenemies, it was ok and i agreed, but when another girl came in and i was treated the same and her like an actual girl. I felt stupid for thinking he could see me as a girl. I didnt even feel angry too long bc i’m so used to any guy just choosing any other girl over me. So ofc i started finding someone else to like but i knew very well no matter what guy i sought after would ever want me. I was so reserved back then, i laugh at everything and yet no one has ever tried to make laugh bc they are truly interested in me. I hate myself for almost doing something so stupid with a guy i just wanted to blackmail and use to just feel a small ounce that i got revenge and made her life a living hell. I hate myself so much i just tolerate myself bc he tolerates me. But i get so angry and sad that if i said this i’d make him feel bad and make him think he is not enough when really i’m not enough either but i wanna keep trying and only try with him. I only see myself with him. please don’t see this. Please God tell me to shut up and get over myself. Please let my studies be a distraction enough from everything i just wrote. Please let me forget this was even written. Please just let me cry myself into a deep sleep like death. Please let this place stay hidden from everyone but also fuck please, look at me. If not u then who?