#cuz cell's a little cannibal

[midnightmarev]

I had a vision.

Young Cellbit finds his way to the arctic where Phil and Techno live and as soon as he sees Techno and Techno sees him out in the forest, the boy just fucking chomps down on Techno's right arm. Despite his sharp teeth, he doesn't do any damage cuz piglin and piglin hybrid skin is so tough and hard to break. Techno just looks at this little kid who latched himself onto his arm with his teeth.

Techno's like, "uh, pls don't do that? Let go?" shaking his arm slightly and Cell just chomps down harder on Techno's arm. Techno shrugs, hiding his arm back into his cape, and thus also Cellbit, and goes back home where he calls for Phil.

Phil's like, "hi m8, what's up?" and Techno goes, completely deadfaced, "I need your help," which makes Phil tilt his head in confusion like the birb he is.

Techno then reveals his arm, stretching it out so Cell's eye level with Phil. "The feral orphan child won't let go," he says, still completely deadfaced, to which Cellbit just chomps down harder again.

Phil, of course, finds this super hilarious and starts cackling, wiping away some tears of mirth from his eyes. This naturally earns him a glare from his friend.

"Get it off me, Phil," Techno says, shaking his arm, a hint of confused desperation leaking into his monotone voice.

Phil's laugh teeters off but is still very present in his voice. "Okay, okay m8, I got it." He then takes a steadying breath before speaking to Cellbit. "Hi m8, could you please let go of Techno's arm?" Another chomp. "You're just gonna end up hurting yourself before you break his skin." A glare.

Phil taps at his chin in thought before he looks slightly above Cellbit's head and his eyes land on a discarded and broken shield in the snow.

"You know… we get a lot of nasty uninvited hybrid hunters knocking on our door all the time. How about instead of you trying to eat Techno's arm, you get to snack on them instead?" Phil's smile is a mischievous one and Techno just raises an eyebrow, arm still outstretched and unmoving.

Cellbit thinks this over, chomps down one last time on Techno's arm, just to see if not this time he would break skin, and then pouts when he still can't. Then he lets go and falls down into the snow where he just sits like the child he is and looks up at Phil expectantly.

Techno lets out a sigh of relief with a quick "oh thank god" under his breath as his arm drops from no longer having a child attached to it by the teeth. He also very deliberately steps out of Cellbit's reach, making Phil chuckle again.

Cellbit's thoughts are just "that's a dad, must do what he says because he's getting me lotta food," and Phil's allowed to pick the kid up without him trying to bite him, much to Techno's dismay and disbelief.

They now have a slightly feral guard dog child running around eating hybrid hunters.

[sarahowritesostucky]

Ignore it if you're uncomfortable💕

Reader catching Steve eating um... "meat" or put suspicion on foods he cook cuz it's a little different from usual meat😔

Idk choose one or maybe both or maybe none

ANYTHING FOR STEVE KAMP I'M EVAPORATING RN

This will be a story told in infrequent, anachronistic snippets, as I love the story idea but don't really want to commit to another WIP. I hope you enjoy!

📖"Amuse Bouche"

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Steve Kemp x Reader

Tags: cannibalism, held hostage, basement wife, captor/captive, dark Steve

Summary: Amuse-Bouche (/əˌmuːzˈbuːʃ/; French; N.) : to delight the mouth.

You feel your ears buzzing as you sit across the island, frozen in place. The soft sounds of Steve's knife against the cutting board drumming in your ears inordinately loud, warring with the drum of your own thundering pulse. You lick your lips nervously, biting your tongue to keep from saying anything.

"Everything okay, Hon?"

You blink, startled out of your thoughts and surprised to find Steve staring at you from where he's working, his eyes boring into you, rather than the raw meat under his hand, the chef's knife in the other. Your heart pounds hard in your chest, and you're sure he can hear it, can tell exactly what you're thinking.

What are you thinking?

"Y-yeah," you stammer, forcing a smile. Oh god, he can tell. He knows what you're -

"Good." His smile is sweet and honest, unsuspecting, and he goes back to his work on the cutting board. You swallow, your mouth horribly dry. "Just hungry, huh?" Steve smirks down at his bloodied hands. "Really worked up an appetite this afternoon."

You chuckle nervously, shifting in place on the barstool. "Haha, yep. Yeah."

"Mm. Well I know how to fix that," he says. Eyes still on the meat.

You look down nervously to it again, and away again before he can catch you looking and see the thoughts going through your head. You avert your gaze around the kitchen. - the beautiful kitchen.

It'd seemed like such an easy mark. Middle of nowhere, no visible security. Single occupant who went away for hours at a time. It'd been easy to case. You'd thought you'd make out good on this one. Just one more job. A little more money to get you in a good spot. Then you'd go straight.

It hadn't worked out that way.

The links on your cuff make a quiet sound as you shift. You reach for your wine glass and take a big sip. It slides over your tongue in a burst of flavors: fruity and lush, decadent yet light. It's red wine, a Beaujolais, your favorite. Steve always pours it for you before dinner, and you always drink it as you watch him cook.

Lately you've been drinking it faster.

Your eyes are back on the bloody cutting board when Steve's amused voice jars you back to attention,

"Need another pour already?"

Your eyes jerk up to him in fright, and it must show on your face, because he sobers. "Hon? What is it?"

You fake another smile - something you've gotten quite good at, ever since you woke up one day in a carpeted cell. "Nothing," you assure him, batting your eyelashes and drinking the last few sips from your glass. You set it back down on the counter. "I think I would like some more, please."

Steve squints at you briefly, concerned, or maybe suspicious, but your smile seems to do the trick and he sighs good naturedly. "Okay, why not?" He sets the knife down on the cutting board and turns his back to you, going to the sink to rinse his hands. "I'm chilling a white for the main, and I thought we could have that honey wine with dessert."

"Oh." You can't keep your eyes off the cutting board - on the carefully trimmed hunks of meat that don't taste like anything you've ever had before ... and on the knife. "That sounds nice."

Steve chuckles. "My little woman loves her dessert wines."

You could reach it. It's within reach. If you just leant across the counter, you'd be able to -

Steve 's hand appears in your field of vision and you flinch. He's reaching to take your empty glass. He eyes you knowingly as he pours from the bottle of Beaujolais. You expect him to say something, but he just finishes pouring and slides the glass back across the countertop to you. "There you go," he says, staring at you.

You lick your lips and swallow heavily, feeling caught. He knows. "Thank you, Steve," you whisper.

The edge of his mouth twitches up. "You're welcome, Little thief."

Your guts churn at the words he's somehow turned into a term of endearment. Steve's no fool. He knew you'd look. He put the knife within reach to test you, and you've failed the test. Internally you sigh, and you meekly sip your wine. You've got a long time to go before you'll be able to get the better of him.

"What's for dinner?" you ask, resigned, eyes back on the mystery meat.

"Rosemary."

"What?" You look up at him, catching the tail end of something indecipherable in his eyes. "Rosemary?" you ask, heart beating faster.

"Mm." He nods and goes to pull something out of the fridge. He returns with a bundle of green herbs. Your shoulders slump. Oh. rosemary. Right. "I'm cooking it sous vide with herbs," he says, and starts plucking the needles off the stalk. "Rosemary, Thyme, bit of sage."

You nod vacantly, thinking of the Francisco Goya that Steve has hanging in the hallway: Saturn Devouring His Son. You used to appreciate his quirky taste in art, had planned to get rich off it. But now you're starting to suspect there's something else to it.

Still, you know it'll infuriate Steve if you refuse to eat the food he's prepared for you, so you focus on sipping your wine steadily, hoping to maybe get another pour in before the meal.

You don't ask what it is that he's cooking sous vide. But deep down, you think you know.

This has been a fill for: @badthingshappenbingo

Card: sarah-writes-stucky / sarahyellow

Square O4: Kidnapping

Masterlist

[thesmpisonfire]

MY VIEW OF QCELLBIT IS ALSO HEAVYLY INFLUENCED BY MY TRAUMA YIPPEE PUTTING OUR OWN TRAUMA INTO THE FAVS

(I project my dissociation, derealization, depersonalization onto him (and also Pac a little), so the whole eating people thing has. My past self is NOT me, but it is still kinda me. My past can't affect me if it doesn't exist. Erasing that those things happened but they very much did. Knowing that with your current self, the thing you did broke the only rules you currently care for with your trusted friends. The fact he forgave you, but not completely, he's still scared. Scared of that very act that you bury so deep in the past. Yet in his own fear of that very thing, OF YOU, makes him strong enough to bite back. There's something so hot about that. I don't think Cellbit cares about the cannibalism part it's the trust breaking that doing cannibalism tends to take to do. That he's scared of, cuz being friends despite that taught him why eat people bad(because it hurt the trust between them). And then watching someone else doing that very thing it's like, a declaration of ultimate trust in a way. That you would do this despite the risk of losing trust, my trust. That tells me that you trust me so much that you'd do it anyway. (I'm now seeing in writing just how fucked up cellbits way of thinking really is rn and god I'm obsessed with him, bro really just thinks eating people is the most normal thing ever and I love him for it) AND THEN THE DOING OF SOMETHING YOU HATED HIM FOR, FOR HIM, BECAUSE OF HIM. AAAAAAA, hot is the only descriptor I can use to describe this deranged form of love.)

(I love throwing my own trauma into the character and pressing send. Cannibalism really is the best form of gay love.)

SHAKES THEM SHAKES THEM SHAKES

The trust that biting back means and the trust that Pac will still have Cellbit as family even if he's terrified and traumatized but he BITES BACK and it means they're on equal ground now and so Cell is forgiven in a way-

[zukosgay]

I see you posting about horror and I would love some recs if you have some to share 🙏

i just accidentally deleted a whole list fjahsjdasd i hate my life. anyways, i’m just gonna go ahead and assume you know the classics that get recommended all the time (the babadook, the ring, the exorcist, the vvitch, the conjuring, hereditary, the thing, insidious, etc.). here’s some underrated/indie horror movies i rarely see talked about (favs are in italics):

The not-actually-that-scary-but-still-good horror movies:

Let The Right One In (2008) – I mean, it’s literally my favorite movie/book and I have a tattoo of it, we been knew

Possum (2018) – I cannot even begin to tell you how much I adore this movie. Horror movies about CSA that explore it without once showing the actual rape, but still being terrifying/disturbing nonetheless?? Just an irish guy chilling with the puppet personification of his csa trauma????? Hells yeah (huge TW for spiders tho, i mean. I’m not scared of spiders but that fucking puppet is stil terrifying no matter how much I look at it)

Hard Candy has a soft spot in my heart. That’s my emotional support „ellen page tortures pedophiles“ movie

Thirst (2009)

Ravenous (1999) THE INHERENT ROMANTICISM OF BEING GAY AND CANNIBALS ON A MOUNTAIN. Brokeback mountain for cannibals

We Are What We Are (2010)

Marrowbone (2017)

The transfiguration (2016) – there’s so little vampire stories with black people, and i really loved how this wasn’t outright fantasy horror but had more of a ‚vampirism as an actual mental illness‘ approach

Nightbreed (1990) this movie IS lgbt cinema history

Gerald’s Game (2017) – we get it elena you love horror movies about the trauma of CSA

The autopsy of jane doe (2017) - i feel like this movie is perfect for horror fans who are tentative about seeing any big grotesque/gorey jumpscares 

As Above, So Below (2014) (the first and so far only movie that got permission to film in the paris catacombs) (also good for starters)

The Actually-Scary (at least to me) movies:

Lake Mungo (2008) ((think of TMA’s The End)) (i deadass think about this movie so often, the story is so devastating and really stays in my head. also the bg ghosts)

The [REC] franchise!!! any of those movies fuck me up and are TERRIFYING (again ff) 

I watched 30 Days of Night (2007) when it came out, when i was way too young, and it still to this day holds the spot for coolest vampire design (they modelled them after the jaws of white sharks!!! They’re supposed to be slavic strigoi) and also one of the only one times where i was actually scared by vampires

Livid (2011) (french horror movie!) (v gorey)

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014) (found footage of a demonic mom – you’ll see a lot of FF on this list cuz i think it’s criminally underrated and terrifying if done well)

NOROI: The Curse (2005) ((ff))

Open water (2003) (this is scary to me because it’s based on a true story about a couple who went cave diving in the ocean with a guide who got LEFT BEHIND in the middle of the motherfucking ocean – with literally nothing to hold onto and no one even reporting them missing. Also, after i watched this i did a lil research and turns out there’s quite a lot of people ‚going missing‘ while taking swimming lessons where the guides will just drive to shore without them YEARLY. Fucked up if true) ((this has tma the vast vibes))

Clown (2014) (I recommend this to people who aren’t scared to like Eli Roth movies and think It Chap. 1 was boring)

Martyrs (2008) – a classic, this movie is bound to disturb you. It’s about child abuse and the survivors of child abuse enacting revenge, though it’s not the typical csa/anything similiar. HUGE tw for uhhhh, torture, self harm, mutilation etc..

Mama (2008) – the goth tattooed rocker chic jessica chastain movie

The bay (2012) (ff)

The last exorcism (2010) (ff)

The wailing (2016)

If you put on any V/H/S movie for me I’m guaranteed to shit my pants, so there’s that

May (2002) – i turned lesbophobic after watching this movie. About a lesbian obsessed with dolls i’ll say nothing more

The not-as-scary-but-still-scary-so-i-dont-wanna-put-them-in-the-first-list-in-case-i-traumatize-anyone movies:

Creep 1 & 2

The Strangers

The void (2016) ((tma the spiral))

The Hallow (2015)

The loved ones (2009) – a classic

Excision (2012) (if you liked raw)

Devil’s pass (2013)

Afflicted (2013) ((ff))

The cell (2000)

Session 9 (2001)

They Look Like People (2015)

The children (2008) – fuck them KIDS

The blackcoat’s daughter (2015)

I really liked Armie Hammer’s netflix original Wounds (2019)? IDK why. I found the story (albeit better suited as a short story) fascinating

Night Eats The World (2018) – another french movie! This time it’s about the inherent isolation and loneliness in locking yourself in a parisian apartment all alone with a bunch of zombies eating the rest of the world

Pontypool (2008)

The lure (2015) – yes, we’re polish, yes, we’re mermaids, yes, we eat men, yes, we also perform in a pop girl group WE EXIST!

I am not a serial killer (2016)

Green room (2015)

That’s it, pretty much. 

[bansheemilktales]

Sometimes I start writing a short story and after one or two sentences (or just half a sentence) I stop because I feel it is good as is. Here are a few examples:

.

1) Honk had a name that was so good it sounded best from a car horn.

2) I never had an antelope I could trust.

3) Typing this from my jail cell and still running for president, I decided if Margaret were a typewriter each peck would be sexual harassment......

4) I felt like saying "No grandma, I don't want anymore ham" but who would listen?

5) Looking deep into the ghost of Peter Jennings eyes I thought "These things are so small I can't tell if he is looking back at me...."

6) She was the kind of girl whose gaze could turn your bones into chords that could only be played by an Arch Angel's harp...

7).....I should start off by saying I didn't want any of this. Well maybe the basket of corn chips. And the harmonica. But that's it.

8) That was 1980 for you. Smelly and cold. Like a dead Harvick. What's a Harvick? I'll get to that.

9) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Of course, I was bipolar.

10) Mom had eyes on the back of her head. Covered by hair one could argue they were as useless as nipples on a "henwr", which is the welsh word for man.

11) The commercial lied. Beef wasn't what was for dinner. It was Gary. The guy who made fun of us for being stupid cannibals.

12) Women from a distance bear very man's sexual desires in mind when they get dressed.

13) Dear Helga, I wrote, things are rough and frightening during wartime but I still hate your name. There, I said it.

14) No man ever gave a shit I bet. Not the ones who told me they loved me and not the ones who told me they had a basket of excrement and were willing to give it away to anyone in need.

15) His was a mustache forged in steel which God decided had been a mistake. He would have to start all over again from scratch.

16) I don't like humans. They're not my kind of people.

17) Was Jesus as good as they say? Maybe. But not at pool. He should've stopped trying to hustle people the first night we lost. But somebody had put it in his mind that he could do anything.

18) I decided I'd like to be a short story writer. But how short? 4'11? 4'8? And would it effect the quality of my stories? Only time would tell.

19) Mark always told dirty jokes at the dinner table but only I could hear them. Nobody else was tuned into the frequency of weird, stupid Mark.

20) I hated Bryce more than I hated brussel sprouts. Well, half as much. No wait, a little more than half. Shit, we're never gonna get anywhere if I don't decide the ratio in comparing my Bryce to sprouts hatred.

21) It was the longest stakeout either of us had been on. Sgt Buchanan and I had grown long white beards. One might even call our beards gross. And our car was so old it wasn't a car but a chariot. Neither of us could remember who we were supposed to be watching in the stakeout. No matter. They were probably dead by now. Dead and buried. Well maybe not buried. God. I assume too much.

22) Jim used to hem and haw. "Maybe don't," I said, "Who likes to haw anymore? Why, in all my days I never knew a woman who was like 'I really want a man who can Haw.' Nope. They wanted cash money. And muscles. And a recipe for hot soup."

23) CORN DOG. Those were grandma's dying words. I shouldn't have rolled my eyes but who says that on their death bed? Stupid whore. I'm glad she's dead.

24) You can't judge a zebra by it's stripes. But I can. And I'm going public with my power in three, two, one.....Let the stripe judging begin.

25) I didn't want to hi-five my friends anymore. I had a bad shoulder and they seemed to think it was the only way to show excitement. How about just say "How exciting" or better yet, bury your feelings deep within and never allow excitement to surface choosing instead a life of depression and indifference.

25) "You have a nice ass," I said. "Where did you get it?"

"At the ass store," she said, "Where else?"

"Well, Gary got his on the black market," I answered.

"Whose Gary?" she said.

"I don't know," I replied, "Some dog probably. Hard to say cuz this story is over."

[brutal-nemesis]

Misery: my greatest joy

Idk how to structure a rant so here we go babey!!! This is just me spilling my thoughts about the book Misery by Stephen King. It’s my favorite horror book (as of now) and I feel like others in the community would like it too. Also this rant will def contain minor spoilers (and probably major ones idk what a major one consists of tho) so if you want to go in 100% blind this is me telling you it’s a great read and go do it. 

CONTENT WARNINGS (for the book): broken bones, starvation, drug addiction, needles, gore, mutilation/amputation, cauterization, a little eyeball stuff, threats of forced self-cannibalism (I don’t have the book on me so I might have missed something minor)

I’m just gonna start by saying I’ve read a decent amount of horror books, and this one feels the most like a whump fic. The basic premise is this famous writer man (Paul) gets in a car crash in rural Colorado and is rescued by a retired nurse (Annie) who’s a huge fan of his work. His most famous series about the character Misery has just ended with him killing her cuz he wanted to write other things. Our girl Annie loves the Misery series and is still in the middle of reading the last book when she rescues Paul. It’s set in like the ‘70s or something so no cell phones or anything. So when homeboy wakes up in Annie’s house, no one knows where he is.

Paul’s legs got super messed up in the accident, like his tibia & fibula just got SHATTERED and, shockingly, that hurts a lot. Paul straight up goes on for pages about how bad his legs hurt and he’s basically helpless due to this, bedridden until she gets him a wheelchair. Annie has a bunch of painkillers that she stole from hospitals she worked at, and she gives them to Paul. If he does what she wants :)

See once Annie finishes the last Misery book she gets hella pissed at Paul. Sis is very much not alright in the head, and it’s what makes her such a great whumper since she’s so clearly unhinged and hard to predict. She keeps Paul captive in her home and forces him to write another Misery book, bringing the character back to life. Paul tries to resist, but she does things like withhold pain meds or refuse to feed him, sometimes leaving him stuck in bed for days. She’s a fantastic example of a caretaker/whumper combo and it’s great because every time she punishes Paul for something, she always twists it to be his fault. She’ll do something like throw his soup at the wall and then tell him he can’t eat that night because he made her upset enough to do that. She just has this air of thinking she’s genuinely doing her best to help him and things wouldn’t hurt so much if he just did what she wanted :) I just love that kind of manipulation for some reason.

Paul isn’t super defiant, but he typically doesn’t just roll over to her right away. And even when he’s genuinely trying his best to please her, it might not be good enough and he still gets punished. He genuinely tries to escape or at least seek some kind of help, leaving the room she locks him in to at least get pain meds/food during the periods when she leaves the house to go to her “Laughing Place” for a few days (I said she was mentally ill and I meant it) or just into town.

Anyway now I wanna talk about my favorite scene and FYI it does involve amputation, cauterization, & needles/noncon drugging. Okay so she finds out that Paul’s been “out and about” while she’s been away and she gets pissed. He wakes up to her injecting him with something that makes him all sluggish. They start talking about how she knows he’s been outside the room and at some point she casually says she just gave him a “pre-op shot”. Paul just spirals at this, and basically every few lines as the keep talking the phrase “pre-op shot” keeps popping up in his thoughts and he’s like Annie please what the hell do you mean pre-op shot what are you going to do to me and she just ignores him and keeps explaining how she knows he’s been outside. She then tells him about how in some diamond mines, when workers run away and are caught, they’re hobbled so they can’t run but can still work. Paul starts feeling sooooo much dread and then she pulls out an axe and he just starts pleading with her as she calmly disinfects it and his ankle. There’s just something about the whumpee freaking the fuck out about what’s going to happen to them while the whumper is calmly preparing for whatever they’re about to do that just hits me in the exact right spot. As Annie raises the axe, she responds to Paul’s pleas with my favorite line in the entire book, “Don’t worry, I’m a trained nurse.” And then the axe falls.

I just love that line cuz it shows how she feels that he doesn’t have anything to worry about because she knows what she’s doing. He shouldn’t be concerned about losing his foot because she’ll make sure it will heal right, and this is necessary to ensure he’ll finish his work. She’s the picture of calm and detached as she cauterizes the wound with a blowtorch and he’s just horrified and sobbing. I just love how much she doesn’t realize what she’s doing is wrong and horrible even as her captive screams in pain. 

She later cuts off his thumb and (cannibalism incoming) threatens to make him eat his own severed finger which is sooo fucked up, and deeply fucked up things always manage to press my buttons. There are a lot of other horrible things she does but I don’t want to give everything away and the two amputations are high up on the severity scale. I wanted to talk about them cuz I love them and so people get a bit of a content warning. Horror books don’t really come with those which can be an oof for some people but thankfully for me the only thing that triggers/squicks me out is noncon kissing which doesn’t come up too much. 

The ending doesn’t have a whole lot of comfort but I’ll at least tell you that he does get away cuz a happy ending is never guaranteed in the horror genre, and I know that’s important to some people. There is so much more to the book that I didn’t talk about cuz I don’t want this to get too long but I could just go on...

Uhm in conclusion if you like whumpy caretaking, a whumper who is detached at times and intimate at others, long-term captivity, and enjoy gore (or at least can tolerate it) then this is the book for you thanks for coming to my TED talk (●'◡'●)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #224

“i don’t miss you, i miss the misery.”

What’s a hobby you would like to try out? Digital art. What sort of a kiss do you count as the first kiss? A mutual effort to kiss. Like, you both purse your lips. What time is too early for you? 5:00 A.M. is generally when if I wake up, I'll go back to bed. Have you ever won a raffle? If so, what’ve you won? Yes, actually. I very faintly remember winning something up in New York at a bowling alley as a family when I was little. Idr what we won. What’s the most useless thing you have vast knowledge on? Probably Silent Hill lol, if we're talking about truly useless. Video game lore and such knowledge isn't exactly truly useful. Is there anything you feel you’re better at than anybody else? No. What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? Uhhh probably some kind of beetle. How about the biggest spider? A bird-eating tarantula when I was at the reptile convention with Sara. When’s the last time you played Pac-Man? WOW, it's been years. I've only ever played it on my childhood GameBoy. What is your favorite winter Olympic sport? I guess ice skating is pretty, but I don't care about sports. You Internet dies; what do you do for the next little while? Ummm this is when I feel like a caveman lmao. Probably... play Nintendogs on my DS. I hate hate hate how reliant I am on technology. What was the last test you completely failed? Recently on my first math test of this year. I bombed it, but at least I wasn't alone I guess. Oh look, it’s snowing outside! Do you get excited? Hell yes. Is your room covered in posters, or pretty bare? My walls are coooooverrrrrred. What sport do you completely fail at? I went to a volleyball summer camp thing in school years upon years ago and that shit HURT. I don't think I stayed the whole duration of it. Do you ever question life and existence? Not really anymore. Why does it really even matter why we're here, just make the most of it. Admit it, we all love brand named clothes. What’s your favorite? I genuinely don't care about brand names. Would you ever risk having a house party when you’re parents are gone? Hell no. What are you plans for the future? Achieve a stable career, learn to drive and have my own car, buy my own home, move in with the person I love, have lots of pets, and most importantly just be happy and content. Is your cell phone on vibrate? It pretty much always is. Is your dishwasher full? We don't have a dishwasher; we have to wash by hand. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I don't know many of their songs, but they're fine, from what I've heard. Have you ever played tennis? No, I don't have that coordination. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? I think so. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Who is the last baby you held? Colleen's son forever ago because she needed me to. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? Wow no. Do you have any scars from an animal? Possibly, idk. I have a lot of small scars. How have you been sleeping? Awful. I've pretty damn consistently been having screaming fits (I mean, actually shrieking) at night where I attack my bed from nightmares. I actually recently hurt my hand from it. I want to go to the doctor about it, it's really worrying me. Are you adopted? No. Do you like scrapbooking? I'm not really a crafts person, no. Do you collect anything valuable? No. How many house phones do you have? Zero. We only use cellphones. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I don't believe so, thankfully. What was the last thing you killed? I at least tried crushing a flea. Mom used some kind of spray on the dogs outside, but it resulted in them just hopping off them inside too, apparently. Whose number did you last get? I have no idea. Have you ever thought about stepping in front of a car? I mean, I've had like those passive thoughts; you know, like when you're up somewhere high and your brain tells you to jump. But never seriously. Have you ever lied down in the middle of the street? Don't give me The Notebook flashbacks pls sobs. Anyway, ha ha, yes, only because my sister wanted a picture of us huddled together when Misty was here? Everyone loves that picture though so thanks for taking it Jason, lol. Do you listen to explicit music? Some songs, sure. Have you ever used someone for money? I could never live with myself doing that. Do you own colored eyeliner? No, just black. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? Some time last year when we got two sick rats in a row. Have you ever tried peanut butter and bananas together? Yeah, pb&banana sandwiches are pretty good. Do you have any mental disorders? *opens notes* Chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, severe generalized anxiety, bipolarity II, AvPD, PTSD, and OCD W O W ! ! ! ! ! Have you ever had to live with a friend? Yes, when we got evicted in '17. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Hell no. Why does the little kid have leukemia? So God can scare you into faith to save the child he cursed with the disease? Why did my sick kitten get run over when I was a kid? Why was my sister almost raped as a teen? I could go on forever about this. Life gets a lot more bearable once you just accept the shit isn't fair and has no rhyme or reason. You just have to live with it. Do you believe in sex before marriage? I believe in sex once you feel truly in love with someone. Just be safe with it. Do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart? Two, off the top of my head. Have you ever known anyone who died at war? I don''t think so. Who was the last person to hug you? My niece of nephew, I'm sure. Who is your favorite female celebrity? ... Wowie, why are like, all the ones I'm seriously invested in males. I suppose maybe Eugenia Cooney? Her recovery and development is like so fucking beautiful and I am 99.99% there isn't a sweeter person in existence. Were you nervous on your first day of high school? A little bit, of course. Three words to describe your best friend: Loyal, honest, and supportive as all fuck. Are you literally afraid of anyone? Yes. Who did you last take a picture with? My dad, I think? Literally forever ago? Who was the last person to comfort you? Sara. Who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you? Mom. If she says "yeah we'll do (whatever)," don't hold her to it, ever. If you answer a question wrong in class, does it embarrass you? YEAH. What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bad Romance" is the shit. I also really like the "Love Game" remix with Marilyn Manson in it. Would you date someone who smokes? No sir. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? Why or why not? That's an even bigger "no sir." Would you date the same sex? Why or why not? Well yeah, 'cuz I'm bisexual. What’s your biggest turn off? Physically, bad hygiene. Personality-wise, being full of yourself and overly-confident is such a turn-off. What’s your biggest turn on, physically? Do. Not. Touch. My. Boobs. Where would you go on a first date? Me personally, I think a safe bet is the movies. The first date is always so nerve-wracking, so a movie takes away some of the pressure to talk as much as you can. HOWEVER, I think it's very important to have bonding/getting to know each other time, so I think having a meal together is a nice addition. Most hurtful relationship? The ending of mine and Jason's. Ever regretted breaking up with someone? No. Have you ever dated someone more than once? No. Do you miss any of your exes? I mean, I miss Jason as a friend, though I know it's probably for the better we no longer associate with one another. What’s your biggest turn on, NOT physically? Romance. Act respectful, like you truly love and want me as a partner. Obviously see me as your equal. What is the sweetest thing someone you dated did for you? Probably Sara actually listening and not getting jealous or annoyed by me talking about my occasional bad PTSD days. Last time you got flowers? A random day Tyler came over when we were dating in early '17. Are you ready to get into a serious relationship right now? I'm in one now. Do you like cuddling? If I romantically like you, I am a total cuddlebug. Do you regret dating anyone? Why or why not? Idk. I wanna say Tyler, but I mean, it tested my ability to say "fuck no I'm not dealing with (whatever trait)." Most important lesson you have learned from dating? DO!!! NOT!!!!! EVER!!!!!! RELY!!!!! ON A PERSON!!!!!! TO BE!!!!!!!! YOUR SOLE SOURCE!!!!!!!!!!! OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!! What does it take to get you on a date? I mean, ask? Be clear that you're interested in me? Are you happier single or in a relationship? In a relationship. I just feel like there's some sort of validation I'm an interesting and/or fun person. Favorite ex? This is a... weird question. I mean, Girt is the only one I remain in contact with and adore as a friend, but I was VERY easily most in love with Jason. How important are looks? I really can't say I care much. I mean yes, it's harder to be sexually attracted to someone you don't find visually pleasing, but I've dated people I wasn't physically attracted to before, and looks didn't hold me back from dating them or being romantically attracted to them. How do you know when you are in love? Oh, you know. I can't really explain it, you just like... know. If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? NO SIR-EE. Have you ever been ashamed of anyone you were dating? No. Favorite memories with an ex? I don't want to ponder this for my PTSD's sake. I have a novel of "favorite" memories with him. Would you name a child of yours after you? Ugh, no. I honestly hate that. Like... it seems so egotistical, and why would you WANT to?? Like... that's your name. I just don't get it, at all. Obsessions? Markiplier is ACTUALLY the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, & I love lots of other YouTubers (no others really to the point of obsession tho, I'd say.... well, maybe Game Grumps), m e e r k a t s, the Silent Hill series, uhhhhh maybe that's it as far as real obsession goes. Perhaps Shadow of the Colossus with how many times I've played and beaten the thing. Addictions? I'm perfectly aware and regretful of just how reliant I am on technology. I turn into a caveman without it. I'm proooobably addicted to soda, fuckin' rip. Do you speak another language? Not anymore. I want to take German again, though, to refresh my memory and further improve, but I only really plan to if I have serious plans to visit Germany. Do you have a webpage? I have a Wix for my photography that I spent eons on jc. Do you live in the moment? Honestly, I don't feel so, most of the time at least. I'm always worrying and thinking about the future. Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? I'm, for the most part, extremely tolerant, though I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that I'm becoming less so with time. Like ex., now, I seriously don't think I could be your friend if you don't support gay rights. There's just some shit I see as so ridiculous that I don't want to associate with you and give you my tolerance of your bullshit, hateful opinion. Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? I'm 23 years old. What are your #1 priorities in life? My happiness, my health, Sara, my pets. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? Yeah. Certain types or urges in different situations, my religious anger and spite, my absolutely malice for my sister's horrid dog that for whatever fucking reason lives with us and not her... that kinda stuff. I think mostly just things relating to anger. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Hey anxiety, could you like?????????????? fuck off???????????????? Do you think you are emotionally strong? I will fucking NOT associate with your ass if you think I'm not after all the shit I've been through. Period. Not up for debate. What is your first name? *intro to B. Spears' "Gimme More" plays in the distance* Who was the first person you spoke to in person today? My mother. What was your first pet? The family cat Chance. If you mean like, actually mine, either Squeak the guinea pig or Shadow the Chinese water dragon. What was your first job? A GameStop sales clerk. How long was your first relationship? In my puppy-dog love middle school experience, maybe like, a couple of months? My first real one was three and half years. Who was the first person to break your heart? If you mean in any form, not just romantically, my dad when he abandoned us. Romantically, Jason. First person to give you flowers or candy on Valentine’s day? Other than my loved ones, Aaron, my 7th grade bf. First band you obsessed about? Truly obsessed with, Ozzy Osbourne. I loved Green Day as a kid, but it wasn't an obsession. First place you lived? Along the coastal plain/Piedmont border in North Carolina. First alcoholic beverage? Mike's Hard Lemonade. gud shit. First place someone took you on a date? I think Aaron and I went on a group date to the rollerskating rink first? That was a great day. Can you do a backflip? I'd break my neck, homie. Are you listening to anything right now? I'm binging Mother Mother. "Letter" is on right now. What do you do when you can’t fall asleep? Do exactly what you shouldn't do and get on the laptop, lmao. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? There's something I told Jason in my first letter to him after the breakup that I honestly... don't know if it was a lie or not. I was so goddamn hurt that I'd say almost anything. I don't want to talk about it, though. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same sex? She's my girlfriend of two years, I'd hope she woulda by now, lmao. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? Nope. Have you ever found pictures on your camera you don’t remember taking? I don't think so. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? I don't believe so. WAIT. Tyler drew a picture of me and him, I think? At least she had my common outfit. Have you ever dated a redhead? No. Where is your favorite place to go when you want to be alone? I'm always in my room alone, so like- Do you have any nieces or nephews? Boy, a lot. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Is there anything you’re craving right now? I've honestly been a horny POS for forever now. What caused the last argument you had? My sister's mother-in-law being a homophobic piece of garbage. What was the last movie you watched? Good question. It's been a long time. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. Where was your last paycheck from? The day I worked at the dollar store for two hours and got $9 lmao. What was the last school you received a degree from? My high school. What did the last key you used go to? My house. Don’t tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive? She's gorgeous. Have you ever thought about getting your tongue pierced? I have snake eyes now, which I got done twice, because the first time, it was pierced too far back, so the swelling of my tongue literally started to swallow/heal over the bar. :') But it was worth it; it was by far the most painful piercing (the second time actually made me nauseous), but it's my favorite. What’s the background on your phone? My lock screen is fanart of Darkiplier & the simple picture impregnated me; my home screen is Sara and me. Are you a parent? To pets. :') How are things between you and the person you are with? Great. Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? Idk, my mom, probably. If you have a birthmark, where and what color? Yeah, exterior of my right arm. It's a slightly darker brown that the rest of my skin. When was the last time you felt nauseous? A while back. List three things that make you feel nauseous. THE SOUND OF VOMITING, even preparing to attempt to pick up pet shit, and uhhhh, how am I blanking. I guess certain smells? Idk. Do your parents support your dreams? Yes. List three of your favorite types of YouTube videos to watch. Comedy ones between friends, let's plays, and Mark's character ones are a unique and Supreme brand of video. What is your favorite park? Idk, I haven't been to many. Do you get fireflies where you live? Yep. What is the name of your YouTube channel, if you have one? 0zzkat (it's a zero). Do you wear the same shirt and shorts multiple times before washing? Only pj pants. If I actually go out in clothes, no, I change. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topiiiiiic. Has a medication ever given you nightmares? Yes. I can't remember which it was, though. And I suppose one I'm on now might be causing them? Would you rather be surrounded by maple trees, fir trees, or palm trees? MAPLE!!!!!!!!!! How many different states have you lived in? Only one. What’s your favorite thing to do on a hot day? Swiiiiiim. Do you know anyone who’s allergic to bees? I don't think so. What does your favorite bikini look like? Sweetheart, nobody wants to see me in a bikini. What is your favorite thing to do at the beach? Swim. Do you think you are attractive? Nope. Who have you hugged in the past month? Mom, probably, and I actually think that's it. Are you good at recovering from injuries? Uh, I mean, I guess? Do you have more piercings or tattoos? They're tied at six, actually. Last bad news you heard? Some guy recently tried to break into Nicole's friend's house while she was home alone, but she scared him off with a shotgun through the window. I'm still not fucking over it. Last good news you heard? I got a 94 on the final test for the book we read in Writing. What was the last thing you posted on a Instagram? I only ever post photography on both of mine, so some picture. Do you prefer to live alone or live in a family? I wouldn't know; I never lived alone. What states have you visited, that you remember? New York, Florida, Virginia, South Carolina, and I recall Ohio VERY faintly. Oh yeah, and Tennessee, but that's a vague memory as well. OH, HOW DID I FORGET ILLINOIS?????????? What countries have you visited? I've never left North America. What are five careers you’ve considered? In chronological order, some that I've considered are paleontologist, vet, movie designer, game designer, and photographer. What do you wish your hair looked like? I really wanna dye it silver rn. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I still care for him, yeah. I guess I'm in a way still protective of him, too, as I saw very clearly when a tornado landed in his general area this summer, and I felt like a total mama bear that desperately wanted to know if he was okay. I know in my gut I'd probably knock a bitch out if he was seriously hurt. I know, the absolute apex of irony. Who was the last person you called? Mom. Do you take pictures on your phone? Very rarely. My camera SUCKS. How old were you the first time you encountered God? Oh, brother. Have you ever hallucinated? In middle school when I was coming off of a medication, I saw moving shadows. Do you struggle to get by? I'm not the one who cares for myself financially; I still live "under" my mother, but oh yeah, we struggle alright. Who is the best looking male celebrity, in your opinion? ggggggggggggggggggIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLL looking at him forces me into ovulation lmao y'all done know who it is. Do you use Snapchat? No. Do you know anyone who’s colorblind? Jason's brother was colorblind to I believe red and green. I know it was two colors. What is your favorite time of day to run? Run???????????????? If I run, bitch you best be running too. What’s a show you remember the very first episode of? Meerkat Manor and That '70s Show are quite clear. I'm sure there are others, I just don't care to think too long about this. Do you hate sleeping in? If I need it, not really, but generally, I don't want to sleep past ~10:30. How late do you consider too late to sleep in? 12:00. What is something of yours that is falling apart? Ha ha ha, the very first thing that came to mind was our poor shed door. Hurricanes have legit torn most of the white paint off of it to where it hangs in strips. It looks so bad; I've told my mom so many times to just tear them off, but she thinks it would look worse that way. When was the last time you saw your crush? February. Sobs loudly. When was your due date, and when were you born? I was due January 20-something, but was born on February 5th, but only because my mom was induced. Do you want to have kids? NO. What website do you usually check first when you get online? KM, just to ensure it's not on fire.

[revchainsaw]

Judge Dredd (1995)

I must confess that I have never read a single Judge Dredd comic book. I did own one issue of Batman vs Judge Dredd when I was a little kid, but I mostly just flipped through the panels and enjoyed the edgy art work. I can't speak to how faithful and adaptation that Judge Dredd is, but I think that may just be the best way to review a film. I may not have said this before on this blog, but I do not believe that being a faithful adaptation is the same thing as being a good movie, nor vice versa. I love the later adaptation, but this is a fascist super cop of a completely different breed. Let us see if Sylvester Stallone's crack at a 90s Super Hero flick will make a suitable sacrifice at the altar of the cult film God's.

The Message

1995's Judge Dredd is a Science Fiction Comic Book Adaptation starring Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider and it took me 3 attempt to finally get past the first few scenes before I could actually not feel like I was wasting my life watching it. The first thing a viewer will notice about this film is exactly how expensive everything looks. Oh God, how glorious and how massive these set pieces, costumes, and effects must have been, and I can't lie. I LOVED it. Unfortunately all that good will is lost when the plot tries to kick in. For all the force and action a title like Judge Dredd promises, it's story kicks in with a whimper and dialogue and lore that feels as if it was written by an angry 14 year old in his free time after he got detention for using a racial slur.

The film revolves around Judge Dredd, a super cop with a black and white perspective on the law so unrelenting that he has become a legend. He is seen in the early parts of the film teaching at a Judge Academy, single handedly ending anarchic riots, enforcing traffic citations. It makes you wonder exactly what the Judges council think they are doing, like they can't seem to figure out what to do with this guy.

It is revealed that Judge Dredd was a mutant experiment created by the fascist world leaders but the program only produced violent psychopaths (of which Dredd is one). The other Janus project reject is Rico, who builds awesome puppet robots who look like they belong in Return to Oz, and makes oopy goopy Judge Dredd brother babies. He also frames Judge Dredd for murder.

Once framed Judge Dredd's years of service buy him good graces with the totalitarian regime he works for and he is simply banished to the wastelands where he runs into Rob Schneider, and the movie just gets worse from there. The only saving grace here is more very expensive set pieces and crazy cyborg practical effect cannibal rednecks. It's so sad that this movie isn't more awesome. Judge Dredd does kick some ass though and his Daddy Boss shows up just to be immediately murdered.

Rob Schneider and Judge Dredd break back into Mega City One to defeat Rico, recruit Dredds coworker Hershey, and save the fascist dystopia they all live in from any significant social change. Hooray!!!!

The Benediction

Best Feature: Looks like 90 Million Bucks

The Movie is great to look at. The only gripe I have with anything in the costumes, effects, or set pieces is that the judges helmets in particular look like cheap plastic, but in the era of the Tim Burton Batman movies, this is actually not a huge kicker. It's honestly amazing that the movie was given this much to work with, a 90 Million dollar budget in 95 for a Superhero flick. If only it were enough to save the film. It honestly hurts it a little. We are supposed to believe that the world is lawless and dismal but the technology is so sleek and beautiful and the sets are emaculate when they aren't occasionally shooting out sparks. Honestly, it seems like a utopia with occasional riots. Nothing seems lived in but everything seems new.

Best Effect: ABC, That's How Easy Love Can Be

Ricos Robot, the ABC Warrior, was just eye candy, and it wasn't without competition. I also really loved the Goopy Janus Judges and the Egg Timer Cannibal Cyborg. If this movie leaned more into it's insanity it would probably have a better reputation. It's a shame that most people will skip this film on reputation alone. The plot is mind numbing, inconsistent, and dumb, but the effects like the ABC Warrior I could watch by themselves for hours. It's a cartoon, but damn if it's not a great looking cartoon.

Best Character: Officer Her-She (cuz she's a girl duh!)

In a movie that doesn't realize it's trying to get us to sympathize for a bunch of fascist totalitarians, or is trying hard to get us to ignore that fact, a villain like Rico is actually hard to hate. He has a line that says "you gave up your life to embrace the law, I gave up the law to embrace life". It really seems like I'm Team Rico here. But he didn't want freedom, he just wanted to be a different kind of monster. For that reason, I think Hershey is really the stand out character here. She's the only competent Judge, she makes reasonable decisions, and even though she seems to be Stallone's love interest, this movie does very little to diminish her to that role, or to exploit the actress. For a movie like this that is saying a lot. The only time this film doesn't suck is when Hershey is on screen or a cool practical effect is happening.

Best Kill: Tis But A Flesh Wound

I wish someone would have killed Rob Schneider, but unfortunately that didn't happen. There is a pretty cool kill where the ABC Warrior picks apart a corrupt Judge like a troubled kid does to a random bug. I guess since that had some blood and stuff we'll call it even.

Best Set Piece: Jailhouse Rocks

There are many vast and impressive sets throughout this film, but the one that really stuck out to me was Rico's cell. The wall mounted turrets getting featured instead of just being static objects stuck to the wall was one of those extra little steps that makes all the difference.

Worst Character: Rob Schneider is a Stapler? a Carrot? Annoying.

I didn't even learn Rob Schneider's characters name. But he's obnoxious. I learned that while filming Demolition Man, Stallone met Schneider and insisted he be in this film. It wouldn't have been all that bad had he done his piece and been left behind, but he clings to Dredd for most of the film. It's especially unbearable because several more likeable characters come back onto the scene to help Dredd but they are either killed or written away so that we can get more of Rob.

Worst Feature: It's a Dumb Movie for Kids

Judge Dredd is a case study in why we don't get cool effects heavy films anymore. Looking at Judge Dredd makes the Marvel Films look like cheap dookie. What I wouldn't give for some of these kinds of effects in an Iron Man or a Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Hopefully we will get some kind of compromise. But the writers, producers, and studio were not willing to take the property seriously enough to do their high budget justice. The plot of Judge Dredd is so stupid and the themes are so mismanaged that of course this movie is remembered as a piece of shit. It's reasons like this that no one will take chances on a big budget practical effects film anymore.

Summary

Judge Dredd is confused. There are ways that writers can make an audience root for a hero like Dredd even though he is absolutely representative of oppression, the way to do that is not to preach about how great the law is and how bad the poor people who are suffering under the boots of the judges are. You can't make the bad guys motive that he values freedom and individuality. Judge Dredd looks great, has backwards ass messaging, a very stupid script, and keeps insisting things via exposition rather than showing us in it's world building. It is a frustratingly difficult movie to buy into, but it's good qualities buy it enough good will to keep it out of the dumpster fire.

Overall Grade: D