#cranberry sauce? i've never tried it...

[tojiscrack]

not sure if you celebrate but happy thanskgiving! <3 i set aside a plate for u wifey

HEYYY ML <333 (excuse the dryness of this response, i'm typing this up on my laptop so i can't use any emojis unfortunately 0-0 )

no, i do not celebrate thanksgiving, but it's nice of u to drop in and say happy thanksgiving anyway! <3

*cue a hundred thousand million heart emojis to compensate for the fact that this response is so dry 'cause of my laptop, again, i apologise* :/

[oliversrarebooks]

Alexander's Sweet Dream Part 3: Alexander's Christmas

Not all vampires celebrate the holidays that humans do, especially the religious ones, but some still choose to hold on to the ceremonies they loved when they were human.

Previous Masterlist

TW: mind control, kidnapping, disordered eating, blood drinking, mentions of restraints and muzzles

Lex's stomach was twisting and churning.

He could smell it, smell that impossibly delicious blood just out of reach. He could smell it even past the stench of leather and sweat from the muzzle sealing his mouth shut. He wasn't sure what was wrapped thickly around his limbs, if it was chains or rope or purely mental bonds, but he knew that it was keeping his relief from him. 

"Alexander."

His sire. He tried to staunch the flow of tears rolling down his cheeks and dripping off the muzzle onto the floor, tried to kneel and bow in perfect posture before his limbs were forced into place. His body protested, weak from hunger and lack of rest. Just get through one more night, he told himself. One more night, and he might be fed.

He couldn't take it any more, but it didn't matter how much he thought he couldn't take it any more. He was entirely at his sire's mercy. No escape. No respite.

"Lex."

His head was swimming, confused. That wasn't right. That wasn't his sire's voice. That was Fitz. He was here too, as trapped as he was.

It was all his fault.

"Lex. Wake up, love."

His eyes snapped open.

He wasn't restrained, wasn't muzzled. He was tangled in fine silk sheets in his own bed. The burning hunger dissipated into a low ache. And Fitz was here, resting comfortably next to him with concern in his eyes.

"You were having a nightmare," said Fitz. "I thought I should wake you."

"Thanks." Lex tried to steady himself back in reality. His sire was dust, he'd seen to it himself. Never again would he feel the sickening tug of his sire's power turning his body against him. Never again would he be confined to a cell for weeks on end with no blood. Never again would he take Lex's most precious thrall and render him broken. "Sorry. That was a bad one. It seems I've taken all of the bedclothes."

Fitz laughed. "You're hardly responsible for what you do while you sleep," he said, resting his head on Lex's shoulder. "You were calling out for blood again."

Lex pushed a hand through his unruly hair. "I suppose I must be hungry," he said, as his stomach twisted with need at the thought of blood. "But it's only been..."

"A few days, which is normal for a vampire. Isn't it?" Fitz had one hand idly playing with Lex's hair while the other fiddled with his hand, the touch soothing and familiar. "Your sire and his rules are gone for good. I'll remind you of that as many times as it takes."

"I do realize that, but..."

"Your sire and his rules are gone," said Fitz, more insistently. "Hell, I need to hear that just as much as you do."

Lex didn't miss the fear flashing through Fitz's eyes. "He's gone, forever. We're safe," he agreed.

"Right. And we have two top-notch, impeccably conditioned, and eager thralls between the two of us. There's plenty of blood. Plenty of blood for you to drink your fill."

He ached with desire, and felt a bit ridiculous. Fitz was right, after all. Oliver could spare the blood. There was no longer any reason to go hungry and deny himself. He didn't need to practice going without, to carefully ration his meals as though starvation could set in at any moment.

And even though the bedroom was on the third floor, well away from the areas the thralls occupied, Lex could practically smell Oliver's rich, delicious blood.

And something else...

"The thralls must be making dinner."

"Well, yes, it's Christmas Eve," said Fitz.

"Oh, it is, isn't it?" Lex took a deeper breath and found he could smell it more clearly: roast goose with bread and oyster stuffing, boiling potatoes, squash baking with cinnamon and spices, cranberry sauce. Fitz's thrall Roger had proposed the idea of an elaborate Christmas dinner several weeks ago, Oliver had enthusiastically agreed, and of course the two vampires couldn't deny their precious thralls such a reasonable request. They'd been given a generous allowance with which to buy whatever groceries were required, and had returned with cold-stung faces, heavy bags, and bright smiles.

The scent of the meal was enough even to awaken Lex's greatly diminished tastes for human food. It reminded him of when he was a boy, making himself a nuisance in the kitchen and tugging at maids' skirts to plead for a taste of the desserts, memories nearly forgotten and rarely disturbed.

"Perhaps, then, I'll take my meal after Oliver has had his chance to eat dinner and make merry," said Lex. "It's only right that we should both enjoy our Christmas Eve."

"That's the spirit!"

"As loathe as I am to leave the comfort of the bed, we should join in the festivities," said Lex. 

"I suppose I wouldn't mind that either," said Fitz, reaching for a flannel dressing gown. 

The smell of goose and cranberry and spice grew much stronger as Lex made his way down the manor stairs towards the kitchen. Many of the gas lamps in the first and second floors had been lit, giving the often gloomy manor a more cheery aura. A bright paper garland had been wrapped around the balconies, a potted poinsettia taking up residence near the front door. There was laughter coming from the kitchen.

"Oh, good evening, masters! And merry Christmas!" Oliver was stirring a bubbling something on the stove. He was wearing a bright red sweater and a practical brown apron covered in flour spots.

"Season's greetings, sirs!" Roger was sitting at the kitchen table, also decked in a bright red sweater.

"Merry Christmas," said Lex, drawing nearer to his thrall. Despite the competing scents in the kitchen, he could still smell the enticing undertone of Oliver's blood. He was glad Fitz talked him into feeding. He couldn't bear to go another night without it.

"Master...?" said Oliver, his eyes going dazed. He put down the wooden spoon he was holding and turned to Lex, tilting his head and exposing his neck. "Would you like to drink?"

Oh, hell, that was hard to resist. Lex gathered all of his willpower to reel his desire back in, snapping his fingers near Oliver's ear and patting him on the head. "Not yet, Oliver, although I appreciate the offer. But if I drink from you now, you'd ruin your cooking."

"I suppose, sir," said Oliver, eyes traveling reluctantly back towards the stove.

"Later, after we've exchanged gifts and had our festivities, that's when I'll drink, if that pleases you," he said, as if he didn't already know the answer.

"Yes, master, that sounds perfect!" said Oliver. It was such a delight to have a thrall so enthusiastic for each feeding, especially one with such high quality blood. The perfect addition to the household -- even conditioning him had taken so little effort.

And as Oliver and Roger bustled to finish Christmas dinner and set it all up at the kitchen table, Fitz lightly teasing them and getting in the way, Lex felt truly grateful. He couldn't imagine any vampire living better than this.

His sire was dust and couldn't harm him any more, couldn't prevent him from filling his nights with music and reading and the company of his lover and his thralls. And just as importantly, his sire hadn't succeeded in turning Lex into a bitter, dissatisfied copy of himself. Oliver wasn't held here by cruelty. He was healthy and happy, the sadness and distance in his eyes from when he'd first been captured fading away as he learned where he'd belonged.

And Fitz was healing, too, his smiles coming easier. He laughed as he pulled Lex out of his thoughts and over to the table. Lex rarely ate human food, but he amused himself with a few bites along with a glass of wine.

More wine was brought into the music room, where a few wrapped presents had been set near the bench, including one suspiciously large and lumpy one wrapped in parcel paper and tied with a red bow. "I'd like to go last," said Fitz, leaning on Lex's shoulder. "Why don't we give the thralls their presents first?"

Lex agreed, and pulled the first of the presents from the pile -- soft cashmere scarves, a traditional gift for thralls. Oliver's was a deep green and Roger's a bright red, and Lex was delighted by Oliver's expression as he wrapped the scarf around his tender neck.

Next, Lex produced his personal gift to Oliver, who carefully removed the paper with nary so much as a tear and set it aside. His eyes lit up once more at the sight of the antique but well-preserved book. It was a tome on fae culture written by a sixteenth-century witch who had extensive dealings with the fair folk. This volume was highly regarded and not particularly rare among the supernatural, but it was unknown to humans, and this copy was in especially fine condition. Lex knew that the subject matter and presentation would appeal to his beloved thrall, and he was correct -- Oliver's eyes went wide as saucers as he reverently turned the pages to the many interesting illustrative plates.

"I have a present for you, too, sir," said Oliver, handing over a wrapped parcel that was very obviously a book. "Merry Christmas, Master."

"Thank you," said Lex, with a fond ruffle of Oliver's hair. Vampires generally didn't expect presents from their thralls, but Oliver was afforded a generous amount of both money and autonomy, and so capable of producing this pleasant surprise. Lex unwrapped the present to discover --

"It's a book on outer space, sir -- a new human book, with the latest scientific theories, and pictures from the most advanced telescopes," Oliver explained. "I thought since you enjoy stargazing, you might like a different perspective on the stars."

"It's perfect," said Lex, and meant it, running his hand over the silver embossed cover. It was exactly the kind of thing he would never think to purchase for himself, but which his perceptive human knew he would enjoy. A different perspective, indeed. "Thank you very much, Oliver. I'll treasure it."

Oliver beamed with the satisfaction of having pleased his master.

Nearby, Roger was giving Fitz a set of unusually large, gold-backed playing cards. "Something you can use in your act, sir."

"Oh, yes, this is ideal," said Fitz, dramatically fanning the cards and shuffling them back together. "Excellent taste. But I would expect no less from you."

"They're awfully flashy, sir," said Oliver.

Fitz's grin was enormous. "Aren't they just?" 

"When you've finished admiring the new cards, I have your present as well," said Lex. He was still nervous that Fitz would like it, as though he was a schoolboy in the grip of first love and not a vampire who had lived far too long already.

Fitz pulled the beautiful gold pocket watch from the parcel. It was made with the finest Swiss clockwork and embossed with an intricate pattern of flowers and leaves.

"Another prop for your act, I suppose," said Lex nonchalantly.

"It's far more than that. It's absolutely gorgeous," said Fitz, and Lex could see the watch reflected in his eyes as he dangled it in front of his face. He looked genuinely moved -- not in his usual performative way. "I'll treasure this."

"I'm glad you --" Lex felt his mouth stopped with a kiss, and he leaned into it, the cold lips soft and willing.

No, it truly couldn't get any better than this.

They might've stayed pressed together forever, Fitz's hands running along Lex's back, if it weren't for a loud cough from Roger. Even so, Fitz never cared about engaging in displays of affection in front of the thralls -- but tonight, he clearly had something else in mind.

"My present to you! You haven't opened it yet," said Fitz. "Go on, go on!"

Lex laughed at his eagerness, removing the ribbon and paper from the -- "A hand-cranked gramophone," said Lex, admiring the fine wood and shining bronze horn.

"I know you've said that live music is better than anything a wax disc can produce, and I do agree, but this will allow us to dance together while the thralls handle the music," said Fitz. He reached under one of the chairs, producing a few records that he'd apparently hidden there. "Let's try it out."

"I don't see why not." 

Fitz put a record on the machine and instructed Roger on operating it, then pulled Lex to a standing position as the gramophone flickered to life and began to play a lively waltz. Fitz took the lead, as he always had, guiding Lex across the music room floor with a smile on his face and effortless grace in his steps.

And for a moment, Lex could almost imagine that they were both human, young and warm and so in love. 

"You're beautiful," said Lex, as Fitz swept him across the floor.

"Indeed. We both are. We're practically made for each other, I'd say."

"Awfully sentimental, don't you think?" Lex teased.

"You of all vampires don't get to tease me for that. Besides, it's Christmas Eve. If I'm not allowed to be sickeningly sentimental tonight, when else would I be allowed?" 

The dancing was only a momentary respite from Lex's hunger, of course, especially with two delicious thralls so close, and it wasn't long before Fitz was nudging him in Oliver's direction. "Go on and feed. It's a holiday, after all. We'll both feed."

Lex nodded, unable to deny himself any longer. How sweet it was to have healthy, vibrant thralls to provide for them. How lovely it was to see Oliver perk up and focus his attention as Lex approached.

"I'd like to take my dinner now, if you don't mind," said Lex, sitting next to Oliver on the plush bench.

"Yes, master, please do." Oliver had clearly already fallen deep into a pleasurable daze just from the aura Lex was emitting. He pulled his red sweater off to expose more of his neck. "Please feed. I'm more than happy to provide my blood, sir."

"Such an excellent thrall," said Lex. "I'm so glad you're here with me tonight, Oliver."

"I'm glad too, sir."

Lex brushed his soft hair away from his ear as he hummed a soothing melody to prepare Oliver for the feeding, watching as his eyes shut tight in blissful half-sleep. And when his fangs finally punctured Oliver's neck, the taste was more rich and delicious than Lex had ever remembered.

Previous Masterlist

Happy holidays and happy new year!

@d-cs @latenightcupsofcoffee @thecyrulik @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @wanderinggoblin @whumpyourdamnpears @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are @pressedpenn @pigeonwhumps @amusedmuralist @xx-adam-xx @ivycloak @irregular-book @whumpsoda @mj-or-say10 @pokemaniacgemini @whumpshaped @whumpsday @morning-star-whump @shinyotachi @silly-scroimblo-skrunkl @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @pirefyrelight @theauthorintraining @whump-me-all-night-long @anonfromcanada @typewrittenfangs @tessellated-sunl1ght @cleverinsidejoke @abirbable @ichorousambrosia @a-formless-entity @gobbo-king @writinggremlin @the-agency-archives

[wreckitremy]

You're not gonna see the poll that triggered this post for a few days bc my queue is backed up af right now, but it reminded me of something, that reminded me of the post talking about disagreeing that saying the phrase "I love you" so much, waters it down

I vehemently disagreed with that post but could never put it into words why. I don't think I necessarily have the words now, but I feel I'm close enough to try.

The "sign of mental illness besides 'old soul' or 'pleasure to have in class' in childhood" that I had that nobody picked up on, was

Being labeled a crybaby.

I know now that they were meltdowns due to overstimulation and the stress that developed my complex ptsd and dissociative disorder.

I knew they weren't normal, but I didn't know what to do about them. All I knew is that nobody believed that they were genuine.

They didn't think this bc they thought I was lying. They didn't think this bc they thought I was faking.

They thought this bc I cried too much for what they considered normal.

Of course instead of coming to the conclusion that I needed actual help, they just decided I should be ignored, which was also shitty of them, but the point is that

My emotion happened too much for them to believe it was genuine. To believe that it meant something serious, anymore.

Now that was a shitty thing to do to a child, but the grain of truth to their instincts was that love bombing is a thing, where too much emotion is used as a manipulation tactic.

I am unfortunately very familar with love bombing as well bc of the other reasons I developed complex ptsd and a dissociative disorder.

Ironically the dissociative disorder allows me to do the thing of holding two truths at once like this.

An emotion you express can be very real to you, but it doesn't mean the same thing to the person you are expressing it to bc of what is normal to them.

In a meeting of peers, it's not really anyone's fault when these things are genuine. It's just a different sort of incompatible access needs situation.

Bc in those kinds of situations, you're not going to be hearing each other. You may be speaking the same language, but the way you each perceive normal, changes the meaning of almost every word in subtle ways that you don't notice, bc its like the shifting of continents.

It's a hard thing to realize, but I am thankful that I know this. It makes it easier to tell when to stop wasting my energy on an argument.

I didn't want to be thankful for anything during this time of year out of spite for all of the things wrong with the usamerican holidays.

It's bittersweet.

Like I imagine cranberry sauce is, bc I've never tried it, and if that seems really abnormal to you, then that's a good sign to not waste your energy on an argument here.

[bonesandthebees]

YES PLS DOOO

Gimme ur opinion on all the thanksgiving meals, I personally hate turkey DHFJGKFK I love ham tho omnomnomnom

It's so funny being Canadian and celebrating a good month ahead of Americans, it always gets so confusing for the first five seconds before I remember, makes me feel like I've time traveled lmfao 😭😭😭

just told spruce what dishes I'm gonna be making so I will tell you my opinions on thanksgiving meals!!

(also that's so funny I always forget canadians have thanksgiving way earlier. do you guys do it the same way we do or is it more casual than in america?)

the traditional thanksgiving food I like: turkey, mashed potatoes, cornbread (is cornbread a traditional thanksgiving food? I like to think so), bread rolls (who doesn't like bread?), pies (pecan and pumpkin both slap but I like making pecan more), candied yams (we never have them at our thanksgiving table but I've tried them before and they're good! not my fav but I'll enjoy them if they're there), gravy

now what I don't like: cranberry sauce (I am just not a cranberry person in generally making it into a sauce does not improve it for me), stuffing (it's not bad per se but I don't see the point), green bean casserole (again not bad I guess but not something I like enough to make on my own), collared greens (ngl I've never actually had them before and I'm sure they're fine, but I'm putting them in the dislike section bc I'd much rather just bake my favs asparagus and broccoli)

also you're so based ham is so good (although I love turkey more) but my mom doesn't eat beef or pork so that's not an option for our family. also because of that I actually barely know how to cook with pork. oops.

if i missed a thanksgiving dish you're particularly curious about my opinion on throw it my way

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

I love everything about this thread but I'm a heathen and I've never had canned cranberry sauce. My mom has been making this every year for as long as I can remember and it really is amazing.

Last year my dad started turning the leftovers into ice cream.

And they look out so hard for the well being of the spiders AND the dolphins

[surveysand]

twenty-one.

[Doughnuts]

Where do you prefer to get your doughnuts from? dunkin' donuts. i love the blueberry glazed donut from there.

Do you spell it doughnut or donut? donut.

How many can you eat in a sitting? it depends on a lot of things, but no more than two in a typical setting.

Do you like cream or jelly filled ones? If so, what flavor? not a big fan of either.

Have you ever had / seen the ones with gummy worms on them? no, i probably wouldn't enjoy them.

[Birds]

Has a bird ever pooped on you, or someone you know? i've been pooped on by one once. the only other person i know is my mom, who's had been pooped on by one twice, lmfao.

Would you ever want to have a bird for a pet? no, i get headaches a lot and don't think i could have an animal that makes a lot of noise.

Do birds scare you, or do you know anyone that is afraid of birds? i'm not scared of them, but one of my old friends used to be really scared of them.

What do you considered your favorite bird? swans.

Have you ever heard of a blue-footed booby? no.

[Swimming]

Do you prefer swimming during the daytime, afternoon, or evening? daytime.

What sort of a bathing suit do you prefer to wear? bikinis, but only if they're high-waisted bottoms.

Have you ever swam in the nude? no.

Do you have to plug your nose to swim under water? no.

Have you ever swam during a thunderstorm? no.

[Salad]

What is your preferred dressing? ranch.

Do you like croutons in your salad? yes.

What about dried fruits, like cranberries or raisins? no, only fresh fruit if i'm eating a salad that would call for it.

Have you ever tried salad with no dressing at all? yes.

What all do you like to have in a salad? i'm a chef's salad lover, but remove the tomatoes.

[Mice]

Have you ever had a pet mouse? no.

What about a mouse infestation in your home? no, i get one once or twice a year in my apartment, but have never had a full-on manifestation.

If a mouse crawled across your feet right now, how would you react? i would flip the fuck out.

What color computer mouse do you use? i don't use one with my macbook (what i'm using now), but for my old laptop that i use to play games, i use a black one.

Did you ever think that the plural of mouse was meese? no.

[Cheese]

What kind of cheese do you like on a deli sandwich? provolone or swiss.

Do you put parmesan cheese on your pasta? yes, all the time!

Do you like mozzarella sticks? of course, they're probably my favorite of the appetizers.

When eating string cheese, do you just bite into it or do you actually peel it & eat it like string? i peel it. i feel like it tastes better and is more enjoyable than just biting it.

How much cheese do you like on your pizza? a good amount. i prefer more cheese than sauce.

[tim-official]

How do you make a good salad? I been trying to eat healthier and this could help!

ive gotten so good at this oh you have no idea.. my bf is a master chef of salad

a salad is a bowl of texture with a sauce that makes the texture taste good

put as many things as you can in there. just nothing soft. doesn't have to have much lettuce. possibilities: cucumber, cherry tomatoes, zucchini (raw), red onion, green onion, carrots, bell peppers, broccoli, broccoli stem, kohlrabi, cauliflower, cooked root vegetables (raw or pickled beets are really good if you cut them very thin). You don't even need lettuce or any leafy green (their main purpose is to be rough and ragged and hold a lot of dressing compared to, like, a cucumber slice)! Just make a bowl of texture!

fruit is good too, for tartness and sweetness. apple slices, dried cranberries, raisins. my secret weapon: dried figs. not too expensive and you only need a few. slice them up. if you can find fresh herbs for not-crazy expensive, those are flavor bombs. throw a sprig of dill in there. or basil.

protein in the form of meat or tofu if you want it. not required

invest in a big thing of nuts (walnuts work well, relatively cheap) and some kind of crumbly cheese (feta is ideal bc cheap, blue if you like stinky). get them at costco if you can. sprinkle just a little of both on top. if you have tortilla chips / potato chips lying around sprinkle some on too. it makes a difference. you get occasionally nutty or cheesy bites. variety. it's exciting and dynamic

the dressing: make your own if you can. make a big batch and keep it in the fridge. a decent "house" dressing is: one part honey, one part red wine vinegar, one part white wine vinegar, one part olive oil. add peanut butter OR tahini (my favorite, seriously, it's magic - not a lot, just a little) for a nice creaminess. other good dressings, search them, there's many recipes: white miso dressing (my personal favorite out of all i've tried), greek yogurt dressing, various takes on "dragon bowl dressing" (based around nutritional yeast and tahini), roasted red pepper dressing (grinding up canned roasted red peppers into a paste) or a really simple balsamic vinegar dressing (balsamic + olive oil + mustard + some source of sweetness). ranch also exists

final life hack: toss the salad before you make it, with the dressing. then move it into the bowl you'll eat it from. when you pour it like this, the smallest bits (crunchy stuff) that was on the bottom of the first bowl after being tossed end up on the top of the salad. i take this very seriously.

tim this seems expensive

it can be, especially upfront. the condiments i have available to me are like 5 types of vinegar, nice olive oil, miso, mirin, tahini, peanut butter, nuts, cheese, nutritional yeast. all those together, most bought from costco, probably cost about 175 bucks but last for many months. thing about a good salad is that you need a great many items but only a tiny amount of each of them.

as for fresh veggies. i get mine from a farm co-op. i go pick them up once a week for 33 bucks, they're fresh-picked and i swear it's like 60 dollars worth of veggies if i got them at the store because i live in quebec and veggies have always been fucking expensive up here. (only problem, if you're a picky eater or have dietary constraints, is you can't always choose what you get). i eat them every meal and still struggle to finish them by the time the next week rolls around. a lot of places have excess produce programs that are similar.

so for me, now, it's cost-effective because i'm eating salads like every day and i have a huge variety so I never get bored. but I had to commit. I only go grocery shopping for, like, condiments, chips, eggs, milk, cream, rice. and I don't eat a ton of meat.

obviously this is not accessible to everyone, because Hell World and food deserts and subsidies for grain only. i didn't even mention the labor of cleaning + chopping all these things. but hopefully this gives you an idea of what you could do with what you have. (you do not, as i do, need to own five types of vinegar.)

[grogu-explains-it-all]

Hi Grogu!

I've started cooking for the holidays and making all kinds of yummy treats. It made me think of you and how I'm sure you would like them. One thing I made was cranberry sauce. Here's a picture for you.

Are you excited to celebrate Thanksgiving with Mama Hazel? Are there any foods you are excited to try? I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

Love,

Wiggles 💕

Hi Wiggles!

That looks good, I helped make cranberry sauce too!!! Mama Hazel has been away and was traveling on Thursday, so I will tell you all about Thanksgiving at Jupiter Cottage!

Remember what I said about Earth and food and special days??

Yeah well, this day about NOTHING but food!! And being Grateful for it.

Well, you said that there are some “problematic issues” around it. BUT if we focus on gratitude for food and not the “Thanksgiving myth” we’d be all right. And you muttered about Colonialism, Pilgrims and no dry turkey on your watch, thank you very much.

I am always focusing on food, ma'am.

See before Dad, I was given food that keeped me alive. And That. Is. It. Then when Dad saved me, we were in the Crest for a loooonnnggg time, guess what? Bone Broth and Ration Bars. BLECH! You know how I feel about drinking bones for crying out loud and Ration Bars are not much of an improvement, people!! But it was better with Dad cuz I knew he was trying, cuz he ate and drank the same stuff.

With Dad, I always ate first.

Here on Earth, we are not running away from bad guys all the time so we get to relax about it, and finding favorite food is like a game for me and Dad! Like you, we LOVE “Big Breakfast”. With the Pancakes, and the maple tree syrups and everything…

ANYWAYS, for Thanksgiving, we did what you said, ignored the Dumb Pilgrim Story and Focused on The Food.

Yesterday you and Dad cut up lots of firewoods for the Big Black Stove. Then you woke up super early to start The Preparation.  This seemed like a very big and important deal, so Dad and Me said we will help you, and you said something about too many cooks. WHAT? And shooed us out of the kitchen!! I was shocked by this!! THIS IS WHERE THE FOOD IS! You had never shoo me or Dad anywhere before! Me and Dad did not know WHAT to do about this. Dad told me it is okay and we’d be allowed in the kitchen again. I held his face, WHICH IS NOT COVERED BY A HELMET ANYMORE! But that is another story... 

ANYWAYS I asked, Are you sure Father? He did his chuckle and said yes, he was sure.

I think you could hear us being nervous about the status of the kitchen so you came out and said you’d need help in a bit, and me and Dad did a sigh of relief, I tell you ! Then you laughed and asked us to take care of the chickens, and that made me feel much better about this whole situation!

The chickens were SO glad to see me. BUT they were a little nervous about Dad, he is so big in their little house! They made big chicken sounds and Dad made himself small and they calmed down a little. I came over to each one and held their little chicken faces and told them Dad will not hurt them at all. I do not think Eva believed me.

ANYWAYS we gave them their water and their food bits, and then Dad opened their little door, so they can stretch their legs. I do not know why Dad wants everyone to stretch their legs so much. But the hens ran out and started peck pecking at the ground but Dad seemed satisfied. I did not see anyone stretching their legs AT ALL. 

After me and Dad came back, everything smelled sooo good! Warm and cozy, good.You said it was the sage and onion. I tried to sneak the pumpkin pie you made yesterday,  but you said, I got your number bub. Which means I did not get pie. I did a Dad sigh of sadness and resignment. THEN you told me to look on the table and I found the yummy circles you call munchkings.  

Yummy! So I ate those things and got hummy!

Okay so, once you got the Turkey-that-is-not-a-chicken-at-all in the oven, I got to help! You brought me over to the oven, and gave me a big bag of red berries. I got to pour them to the pot, then the sweet sandy stuff! Then you poured in the orange juice. This was hard work and made me thirsty for some of that orange juice. So you gave me a cup and put me in my seat at the table…since I was there I thought I’d have more munchkings.

Then, Dad helped you make bread. You showed how to punch the dough. Which Dad is good at, then, You and Dad got dusty with the flours and laughed a lot.

You know, things changed after Tricks or Treats, your auras got snuggly with each other. There are still bursts and glowing bright, but not zappy shocks and your auras turn green where they touch.

ANYWAYS, you cooked and cooked, we helped and helped. And then finally we got to eat it all!!

Smooshed potatoes AND sweet potatoes! I liked them A LOT!  It turns out that there is a lot of butter involved in Thanksgiving. Which is right!

The turkey was not dry, thank you very much, just like you said and I ate a whole leg!! Plus Also we had your favorite, which is your great grandma’s stuffing, I guess this is apparently what made her so great, cuz yummy!!

After I ate lots and lots of bread and meat and many kinds of potato you said have at least one string bean, for GOODNESS SAKE, so I did. And it was pretty good because cheese was there, so I ate two. But I wanted more potato food. And the bread.

Dad was eating  and he made lots of yummy sounds and you told him his bread was wonderful and he said it was but because of you… okay, you two. Pass the butter, Father, if you please!

Soon, we stopped eating because we were so full of food we could hardly move. I did not know this was a thing that happens! So you turned on your records playing thing for music. And we all just laid around on the floor and we listen to a guy sing about  a lady named Alice and her restaurant and he telled a story about Thanksgiving and improper garbage disposal.

FINALLY, I got to eat the pumpkin pie as soon as I could feel a little spot in my tummy it could fit! It was very good!

And that is the story of how we had a Thanksgiving dinner that could not be beat, just like that singing guy said. But we did not dump a half a ton of garbage anywhere! Because WHO DOES THAT?

[beatrice-otter]

No, but see, the whole point of Thanksgiving is you have to have a whole turkey. There's a whole visual component to it! A lot of families will actually bring the turkey out to the table and carve it up there. Here's Norman Rockwell's vision of an American Thanksgiving:

Problem is, a lot of people can't cook for shit, and turkey actually isn't a very flavorful meat. If you roast it and don't know what you're doing, it is really easy to get a dry, gross bird. And if you deep fry it, it's a lot less likely to get dried out. And (I've never tried it, but I presume) it's no more likely to have over/undercooked issues than roasting it whole. It's the same basic problem: a big bird.

Now, if you roast it right you actually get a very tender, moist bird that's fine. (I still don't like it as much as chicken or ham or beef, but it's fine with gravy or cranberry sauce, and I love the stuffing.) The secret is to cook it in a bag. Yes, there are oven-safe plastic bags, and they keep the turkey nice and moist while still letting it get a crisp skin. (It also makes cleanup easier.)