#continued my last year of uni and spent time working in one of the nicest and one of the worst places i've ever been

[tgtbata]

you’re still here and i’m still here so i guess we’ve (almost) made it through another year. 2022 had weird ups and downs for me but it’s ending on an up so i’m very grateful for that. i drew a lot of art i’m proud of and i hope you guys enjoyed some of it as much as i did :)

thank you for every nice word, comment and tag you’ve ever left on my art! huge shout-out to all my friends who deserve the world <3

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Monday 21st August//CPA and final session with S

Needless to say that sleep was definitely not on my side last night. I spent a lot of the night tossing and turning, with thoughts buzzing around my head, worrying about this morning and all the things it entailed. It is hard to put into words how I feel about these *goodbyes*, part of me would have loved for me to be in a better/stronger place, however as my team reminded me today: this is not the end but the start of a new chapter. Seeing S for the last time brought up a mixture of feelings/emotions that I wasn’t really sure how to deal with, and as I left the session having said our goodbyes, tears filled my eyes and started to fall down my cheeks. After so many years it was finally time to say goodbye, and it was made harder to know that I wouldn’t be going back to him even if I did use the service again - and I suppose in a way that might be a good motivator, both he and E won’t be there if ever I return (and I really do not plan to!!!), and now is no better time than any to break those ties.

My CPA went much better than the last, although that didn’t require much effort. After about half an hour I was called in (L did my obs and everything whilst I was waiting) and they first of all wanted to tell me how proud they were of me for what I have achieved in the community and how different things are to the last time we met. I find positive feedback really hard to take however it meant a lot to hear that they understood how hard I have been working and how much has changed. The main point of discussion was obviously around my transfer of care to Bristol and where things are at/what needs to be done etc. From there they wanted to discuss with me the parameters surrounding University and ways in which I can “take care of myself” and give myself the best chance of staying and enjoying my time there. 

I found it helpful that we acknowledged all the positives that have happened, but that they were also very careful to not play into Anorexia here and kept on reiterating how this is not “the end” and that I need to continue committing to recovery and working with the new treatment team. As well as saying that going off to Uni does not signal an “approval” to be able to stay as I am. Not at all. Instead it is the start of a new chapter on my journey. It was commented on that my weight has maintained over the past 2 weeks and they were worried that this was the beginning of me taking my ‘foot off the peddle’ and it was very much emphasised that I need to have my foot flat on the peddle right up till I move to University and when I move in, so I have a bit to work on there. 

Some of the things that we talked about were the level of exercise that I am going to be doing there as I am currently quite sedentary and there is going to be a lot of change to my routine/a lot to deal with. As well as touching on other exercise bits as I realise that might be a bit of a trap that I could potentially fall down if I am not careful about it. Along with discussions of transfer of care, medications, and how this time can be different to when I moved to York/travelled to NZ. Again having these conversations was helpful, and they all offered a lot of advice/support, and fingers crossed that they are conversations that I can continue to have when I move to Bristol with the new team.

I am not going to lie, I have had quite a lot of thoughts about whether I really want to be going to see the ED team in Bristol as I do not want to be constantly weighed and I don’t know whether being under them would be holding me back (having been under ED services for over 5 years). However I have agreed to keep an open mind and meet with them to see what they might offer as I realise now that this might be a very ED led thought and it is better to have it there and have the option rather than not have anything at all. It is hard to know what moving to Bristol will bring up and how I will cope, so it is essential to keep as many doors open as possible.

What was really lovely was that my psych (who I rarely see) said that I would be more than welcome to contact them (CMHT or ED services) if I need some support during the holidays/when I am home. However, fingers crossed, this wont be necessary. When she left she said to me “in the nicest way I hope that we don’t meet again and I really and truly hope that this time works out for you”, which was so sweet. 

I hate goodbyes and today was particularly difficult. I only have two more sessions left now; my last one with E on Wednesday (which is going to be so hard) and then a check in with someone in 3 weeks time and from there it is discharge and moving out. Scary. Just as I went to leave I handed S a little present and card/letter, which he was really taken aback by and we had a few words and he wished me all the best of luck with everything and he really hoped that this time would be different for me and how proud he was of me for what I have achieved....that was when the tears began to form. He said that I can text him anytime, which was sweet, and I really appreciated it. I am absolutely dreading the goodbye to E on Wednesday as she has been such an amazing support to me over the last year ++. This is one emotional week that I will glad to be over soon. 

Sitting here typing this it still doesn’t feel real but I am trying to focus on all those positives and things that I have learnt over the past few years. I am finally moving onto the next chapter, one that fills me with both excitement and anxiety, however I am HOPEFUL now - something I have not felt very often over the past few years. I have hope that this is going to be the right thing for me and that this is the new chapter that I need to be opening in my life. Wow I am rambling, as always, so I will leave this here. A tough day but one that holds hope for the future, hope for better days.