#constantly reminded that this burger king is fifteen minutes from my house

[msmovingforward]

Proud Mama

We open with triumphant Mormon choir music to establishing shots, informing us we are back in Salt Lake City. I’m shocked and betrayed that we didn’t get anymore footage of Kimberly the Hypnotist, but c’est la vie; it’s not as if we had an extra-long episode this week. Whitney is meditating in her home. Lisa is at her office at Vida Tequila (LOVE THAT!). We see several flashbacks to Jen screaming at Whitney to shut the fuck up, and Kimberly the Hypnotist asking Lisa to take a good hard look at her friendship with Jen. Heather thinks back to Jen raising her hand when asked if anyone doesn’t trust Heather. We head back to see Belle from Beauty and the Beast still trapped in a high castle by her misunderstood captor, or I mean Mary the grandfather fucker in her 8,000 square foot home, thinking about how she warned everyone Jen would ruin this trip! SHE BLINKED SO MANY TIMES! CAN SOMEONE HELP HER?! BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP, MARY! BLINK IF YOU NEED HELP! Needless to say, this was a trip from HELL! These women may have left Vegas and checked out of the Hotel Nomad, but what happened there certainly didn’t stay there.

More choir music, and we’re at Heather’s new Beauty Lab and Laser location, complete with 15-minute Botox parking spots. So if you’re just at this strip mall to get a Diet Coke from a 7-11 on the GOOD side of the tracks, you better find parking elsewhere! Between seeing Lisa’s office and Heather’s new Beauty Lab location, we’ve now officially doubled the number of filming locations for this show! The new location looks like the set of a reboot for Xanadu. Everything is pink and white. Pink angel wings adorn the wall, symbolizing Heather’s ascent into independence from her ex husband. Heather tells us in a confessional this has to look great. She can’t just light a candle and say it’s done! I mean Sheree did this for her housewarming on Atlanta, but this is Salt Lake City, the land of integrity!

Heather addresses her team, saying that she’s had a rough weekend in Vegas, so if she’s short with people that’s why. Such great management skills! Remind your entire team that while they were probably working to make your vision a reality, you were away on a girls’ trip, filming a TV show less than a week before your grand opening! An employee tells Heather something about her stanchions, a word Heather had never heard before. Whitney shows up and remarks how pretty the stanchion ropes are. Thank God Whitney could remember her lines this week!

Heather and Whitney discuss the fact that neither of them have spoken to Jen since the trip, and Whitney informs us in her testimonial that she would uninvite Jen to the grand opening if it were her. “Is Heather addicted to toxicity?” She asks. Well, let’s see! Beyond the fact that Heather and Whitney are both ex Mormons who are on a reality show about women yelling at each other, Heather is literally opening a second location for a business that shoots toxins into middle-aged women’s foreheads and eye sockets, so they can’t express emotions or look old. Heather’s livelihood LITERALLY depends on the availability of toxicity.

In the next scene, we see Lisa touching a fabulously green handbag and heading into a bar called Lake Effect. Before we cut to commercial, it is revealed that she is there to meet up with none other than Jen Shah herself! Now I’m excited. It seems like Lisa is living up to her Lisa Housewife ancestors (Vanderpump, Rinna, Et Al.) and has sensed that Jen is weak and malleable. You need a friend, don’t you, Jen, darling? Lisa informs us that when leaving Vegas she saw Jen in tears on the elevator, and the human in her just had to ask what the real story was. She informs Jen that she’s just like her. She wants to be loyal to her friendships and her word. Hmm.. interesting because I’m pretty sure Jen was literally JUST spreading rumors about your other best friend’s marriage. Even I’m a little bit confused, falling for this classic manipulative trap. My heart really does break a little bit for Jen, who I think is truly losing her mind. I’m brought back to reality, though, when Lisa tells Jen that she can’t threaten to drown Whitney in her pond after Jen says she feels like her words are constantly taken out of context. Jen tells Lisa that she only talks like that because she felt like she constantly had to be ready to fight growing up in Salt Lake City, which is predominantly White.

We head to Meredith’s house where we are treated to a vomit-inducing scene of Meredith slicing half a banana for Seth. Seth informs her that he likes quarters instead of halves. Meredith fills Seth in on the happenings in Vegas, which Seth refers to as “Toxic city cicity.” Meredith can’t handle all the volatility in this group of friends. She repeatedly disengaged in Vegas, and obviously Vegas is really a city where you want to dis-disengage. You want to be so engaged in Vegas, and it’s unengaging when you have to disengage. It’s like the Blackjack dealer asks, “Do you want to hit or stay?” and Meredith just has to disengage. Meredith tells us that her marriage has been just so wonderful lately, and it’s all positivity. She throws shade at Jen in her confessional, saying that some of the other women are probably just jealous of how successful her marriage is, which is why they need to spread rumors about it. Right, Meredith, we’re all super jealous of the fact that your husband can sleep with his eyes open at dinner and simultaneously accuse you of cheating because you won’t let him go through your phone.

Whitney informs us that her father is 90 days sober, so she’s going to let him near her head with scissors in a room full of aspiring Mormon hairdressers. He does absolutely nothing to Whitney’s hair and makes several dad jokes, and the audience is led to believe that his audition for this hairdressing school went well. My heart breaks for a second time this episode when Whitney says, “I feel like a proud Momma,” even though she’s the daughter in this relationship.

Meredith visits Heather at Beauty Lab. Meredith informs Heather that she’s sure Jen does have shit she’s dealing with, but she’s angry because Jen has hurt her family and marriage with her lies. Heather says that she needs to be strong and not “put up and shut up” like she did for years in her marriage. If her daughters were in a friendship like this, she would advise them to stay away.

Lisa, her husband, and her kids, Jack and Henry, are at a meeting with Sydney, who is either high up at Vida Tequila or low on the totem pole and was able to be convinced to be on TV. Either way, she has to sit through fifteen year old Henry’s Fresh Wolf business proposal. Lisa continuously reminds her kids, who are almost as disengaged as Meredith, that they can have anything, including Land Rover Defenders and McClarens, if they “What?” “Work for it!” Lisa says that Henry will be the first 9 year old with a McClaren (”I love that! I love it.”) I remember visiting my mom at work and being given the money to start companies and buy luxury cars in front of assistants who probably make $15 an hour. Pretty standard reward for getting a B+ on a report card. Jack starts his business proposal. “Yeah so Fresh Wolf is a company.” Henry interrupts from the white board on which he is writing Fresh Wolf over and over again. “I came up with the name! How smart are these straws!?” Henry has a brain fart and has to start over after Lisa reminds him that it’s always important to hold up a picture of the product when you’re pitching it, especially if you’re wearing your best backwards hat and bright yellow-green hoodie. I love that. That I love. I love it. Touch the picture, Jack. Jack’s full proposal is as follows: “The ingredient you need most, Dad, is turmeric because it restores hair or stimulates hair growth or something.. so uh yeah that's Fresh Wolf.” Sidney pretends to be truly impressed. John says, “Wow,” and Lisa informs us via confessional that Fresh Wolf has really given them the opportunity to reconnect as a family  Even though Lisa has just chugged a liter of Diet Coke from the 7-11 next to Beauty Lab, she’s starving, so they all head to Taco Bell, then Burger King, then Checkers for lunch. Everyone that is, except Henry, whom they forget. It’s ok. He’ll get there if he works hard.

We head to Mary’s church, where we are shown an actual photo of Jesus with Mary’s grandmother/husband’s late wife. Mary is dressed in Beyonce at Coachella realness. It’s time for choir practice, which Mary informs us in her testimonial is not going well. They need to practice every day, but they can only practice once a week. It’s hard as a viewer to make a judgment on this though because Mary stops their singing every few seconds to ask how much they love her, criticize someone’s weight gain, (“Do me a favor. Eat healthy. Drink water!”), or tell someone they’re daydreaming. I wonder... if these people weren’t probably working two full-time jobs to afford the second mortgages they took out to be members of Mary’s church, could they have choir practice more often?

Next the audience is again reminded of what a wonderful husband Sharrieff is, as he sets up a table of chocolate-covered strawberries inside a dance studio for date night, which is a salsa dancing lesson. He informs us that Jen has always begged for him to bring her to salsa lessons. I have to say, while I imagine not having your husband around most of the year must be a struggle, it’s not as if Sharrieff doesn’t make the most of his limited time with Jen. This date is extremely thoughtful and romantic. Jen walks in, and she’s clearly very impressed and excited. She sees the trophies, and asks, “Am I going to get a trophy?” Sharrieff replies, “No, honey.” In the same tone I might use to tell a child that Grandma isn’t coming over for dinner anymore. This tiny moment made me realize again just how much people in Jen’s orbit must have to walk on eggshells. Sharrieff probably saw an opportunity for crazy Jen to come out and throw a tantrum after realizing she wasn’t going to get a trophy for her one salsa dancing lesson. God, I love this show! The couple salsa dance, and both of them are actually very good. Naturally, as Jen informs us that Sharrieff WAS in a dance group in junior high school. Jen again laments to Sharrieff about how misunderstood she is by the other women, and Sharrieff once again very patiently therapizes her. I was shocked to find out that they have been married 26 years. Can someone please tell me if that’s a record for a marriage that Bravo has ruined? That’s got to be a record! There’s no way they’ll still be married if Jen makes it to a season three...

At last the moment we’ve been waiting for all season arrives! Heather is FINALLY opening her second Mormon purification center. This one used to be a Quiznos! Meredith asks Brooks what she thinks of her outfit, a leather tuxedo with a sparkling lapel. He says it’s “Beyond,” but she decides she’s going to take off her pants entirely, and just make it a “blazer dress.” Lisa informs her husband that she’s going to wear Versace because who doesn’t love Versace. I think he’s just excited that his kids have piano lessons, so he doesn’t have to get an experimental chemical peel. The party is pink, and Heather is serving us Frenchie’s trouble in tinting class. This party has everything: buff gay bartenders with judging eyes, napkins that say messy af (Mary: “What does AF stand for? After the fact?”), wing-shaped cookies, stanchions! Meredith arrives wearing a mask that looks like it came from a very expensive piece of medical equipment, which she informs us is high fashion, and she wouldn’t expect anyone who isn’t as elegant as she to understand it. Mary looks like a cross between an Olsen twin and an extra from Gossip Girl. Lisa arrives, asking, “Does X marks the spot?” before posing in front of the step and repeat. Heather has invited her ex husband, who says he approves, calling the event “next level.” It must be pretty impressive if he got out of his hot tub for it! Heather introduces Meredith to a friend, saying Meredith is a burn victim. The friend says she should wear the mask all the time... Whitney really does a big Whitney zing on Meredith’s mask, putting on two surgical masks in her confessional. Boom! We learn that Meredith’s dress was designed in part by Brooks, which means it must be one of a kind. Mary says something about chicken turkeys as Meredith sips a straw right through her mask. Everyone at this party is basically wearing very shiny pajamas. Lisa reveals to Meredith that she and Jen met up after Vegas, to which Meredith says she can’t control whom Lisa is friends with, but she definitely needs some space from the situation. Mary joins Whitney at the oxygen bar (Mary: “I need oxygen, doxygen, estrogen, YEStrogen!”). Whitney tells Mary she was right; after Mary was out of Jen’s line of fire in Vegas, Whitney just became her next target. 

Enter Jen...

Whitney tells Jen she felt like Jen’s punching bag in Vegas. Jen offers a very sincere apology that offers no excuses, which Whitney seems to accept. It’s like Jen is wearing a wire with Sharrieff in her hear telling her exactly what to say all night. In her confessional, Jen reveals that she was just being nice at the time, and she wasn’t really sorry at all because she saw some wing-shaped cookies across the room, and she was hungry. This makes much more sense with the other things I’ve seen across this franchise. Good housewifing, Jen! Heather gives her thank you speech, which again affirms Heather as an independent woman who blah blah blah. We are shown footage of Meredith telling a closet case Mormon man that it’s always a bad idea to ignore bad energy, when Jen walks over to tell Meredith how unacceptable it is that Jen was talking about Meredith’s marriage. Meredith says, “No. It’s not,” and we are treated to a sonic boom sound effect. Meredith again says she needs to “protect her positive space”, but hopefully if Jen proves that she can be trustworthy, the two can move forward. Jen says to Meredith’s face that she respects that decision, but says in her confessional that she thinks Meredith is crazy. Heather walks over, and Meredith gives the two their own space, so she and her Tron mask can continue to protect their positive energy pod elsewhere. Jen and Heather get into a heated discussion, which upsets Lisa Barlow, Queen of Sundance, to the point where she thinks she may have to call security, and of all the parties she’s thrown, she’s never had to call security. She insinuates herself into the situation, saying “Can you guys whisper?” Jen gives her worst apology of the night, and Heather once again forgives her after Jen says the words that Heather literally has to tell her to say.

What a season! We learn that Jen has bought another friend, Heather has learned that she’s her own person, Whitney has a skincare line, Mary is reorganizing her closet, Lisa is taking a family vacation to Mexico, and Meredith and Seth are back in Couples counseling.

What a long episode!

[everylittlechef]

Tired & Inspired - Day One

We pulled up in the tired red rascal to our holiday destination just before midnight on Monday evening in Flushing near Falmouth. My dad was stood outside with a glass of ale half empty dancing at the doorstep just incase we couldn’t identify the location of the house. I’ve been to this holiday house once before when I was about six years old in 1992. Back then we stopped at the (not there now) Little Chef in Gordano. This time though we visited TWENTY TWO Little Chefs en route and covered approx 800 miles. Since arriving on Monday night we have been tired. Very tired. We spent our first day off walking by the Cornish coastal line, sipping beer and sleeping. After a long time sitting in the van extremely sober, listening to long wave radio and too much cricket, digesting all day Olympic breakfasts and slurping take away Little Chef Cappuccinos as we travelled between branches, it now feels really good to be outside digesting beer & salty sea air far away from the A roads. But as relaxing as this is, the Little Chef trail is compelling for reasons we still aren’t sure about. Our musing and amusing mission is taking up lots of conversation with our family in Cornwall as we reflect on previous family holidays driving from North Derbyshire down South, always stopping at a Little Chef en route. My fave thing was the ‘Build Your Own Breakfast’ on the kids menu and the red and white American style diner was a strangely safe place for a fussy vegetarian family of four. I could tailor pick a plate of beige just the way I liked it (and because the journey along A roads towards the motorway in a crammed Citroen car overfilled with travel sweets, arguments, a selection of road maps, a dog, and a bike rack brimming with trikes and body boards as the sounds of my annoying times table cassette tape wafted through the stereo, this meant the holiday had officially started) and also meant the deep fried bread and corrugated lollies before 10am were overlooked and approved. The holiday has begun!

This is the story of how our journey on Sunday 30th & Monday 31st July 2017 has gone so far…

Day One: Sunday 30th July

Owen did most of the driving. I was navigator. When we pulled up to each Little Chef branch we’d both jump out like eager press puppies. Whilst Owen was photographing, I’d take notes on each branch, usually pop inside to purchase something and then get Google Maps on my phone set up to guide us to the next stop. Before we moved on it was my job to update our black board (which was stuck to the back window) with how many Little Chefs we had visited so far.

First Stop : A1 North Newcastle Branch

This was were we ate breakfast and met Debbie. We had quite a lengthy chat with her in-between serving other customers. I’ve paraphrased some of the things she said to us  whilst taking our order & serving Owen’s lucky egg, then making sure we left her branch with plates of information, Little Chef lollies, bright red draw string book bags and fruit of the loom 9-11 year old ‘Little Chef’ branded T’s…

“People don’t wanna pay £15 per head for a meal during a car journey”.

“Most of the sites will be bulldozed down, it’s cheaper to start again”.

“We do better as a sister site. All of the ones joined to Burger King do better”.

When she told us we had better be quick because thirty stand alone stores closed that night she proceeded to speculate. We’ve learnt on this journey that there is no active Little Chef Head office. Owen & I have tried to contact them several times over the last eighteen months, not for financial support but to get up to date information on the last remaining stores and for more facts to fuel our growing fire of intrigue. We’ve left voicemails and emails to sit on answering machines and inside mailboxes ignored and un replied to. Debbie told us that she worked at this branch of Little Chef 15 years ago and again more recently. The branch has changed a lot in the fifteen year gap. She isn’t surprised the Little Chefs are declining and thinks road travel has changed a lot over the years. She expects her branch to become a Greggs or Starbucks and was surprisingly kind of fine with it. She’s heard that there is a sign on the Motorway near London saying ‘Little Chef Opening in 2018’ which is causing a lot of speculation between branches who haven’t been passed on any info apart from that the Little Chef company will close before the year is out and their jobs will change to the new venture whatever it may be. As we sped off hoping catch come of the closing Little Chefs our minds were spinning with questions from our discussion with Debbie; Will Little Chef re-open? Will they re-launch? Is there a princess who lives abroad planning great things with the Little Chef brand? What about Euro Garages? Where will the old time regulars go for their Olympic Breakfasts?

Second Stop : A69 towards Carlisle

This was where I purchased a take away Cappuccino and the staff were bemused. There was one customer inside enjoying a fry up.

Third Stop: A66 Penrith

From the larks of the night before I was thirsty, dehydrated from my coffee and was now craving some fizzy pop so I ran inside the Little Chef (adjoined with a Burger King) and grabbed a Sprite from the Little Chef counter to take away. The lady behind the desk had lovely turquoise hair, was called Cat and was super smiley, friendly and interested to know what we were doing. She asked the same question lots of people have: ‘Why Little Chef?’ and our answer is developing each time from ‘it’s just a photography project’ and ‘why not’ or ‘we’re not really sure ourselves’ to ‘well it’s just a piece of British history isn’t it and someone should document it before it goes’. Cat called through to her manager Keith to tell him what we were doing and the pair were more than happy to pose outside the their branch for a picture. Keith was proud and eager to tell us ‘We’re just as busy as Burger King!’ and I believe him. The staff were lovely, the restaurant was clean and welcoming and you could see the team got along well bringing their own vibe to the place. We were sad to cut the convo short but sped off to our next stop.

Between the drives our ears were popping as Owen noted we were 1000 feet up. It felt like we were flying through mountains.

Fourth Stop: A59 Skipton

Keith told us this branch closed at 2pm but perhaps that was on a week day, for when we arrived it was still open, but pouring with rain. Owen had to take the photo by standing under the canopy of the open van boot and try to avoid the relentless downpour of rain ruining his kit. I was desperate for the loo and ran in to use it. They were grotty and ran down but I still felt obliged to buy something so I ordered us both a tea. We were sad they came in Burger King cups instead of Little Chef ones.

During the drive between Skipton and York the rain continued, cleared, continued, cleared…. as we drove through the winding Yorkshire Moors.

Fifth Stop: A64 York

We started to feel sad we only had five ticked off and enthusiasm was fading. The branch was fresh looking which Owen didn’t like, although I thought it was quite smart, but either way it was still joined to another Burger King. We pulled outside, took a quick snap and our eagerness for going inside to purchase something or anything and chatting with the staff and their speculations was fading, as we began to feel daunted by the task ahead. A lady exercising her dog along the side of the A64 didn’t take her eyes off us as she circled the grass surrounding us. It made us feel weird and as soon as Owen got the picture of the York branch we sped off. Pressured more by the fact we had so many Little Chefs to visit than the staring lady and her tiny hound.

As we drove away our mood lifted as the rain cleared and we constantly seemed to be driving towards two mythical pots of gold at the bottom of a vibrant and clear double rainbow. Something to remind us we were lucky eggs!

Sixth Stop: A1 North Doncaster

This Little Chef looked large but it was probably just the modern style building with glass windows making it feel larger than it was. It had the same new contemporary feel to it as the previous one and it looked busy inside. We quickly took a snap and got back on the trail. It was getting dark.

Seventh Stop: A1 South Worksop

We had to come off the A1 and reverse direction to get into the Little Chef. This is something we had to do quite a lot on the A roads and it was becoming irritating knowing we had to spend minutes driving in the wrong direction to get off and return in the right direction, then quite often turning round after we’d taken the shot to go back on ourselves once more to get to the next destination. As it got later and darker it was getting more and more annoying. Luckily en route to this one we passed the famous(ish) architectural listed roof building that used to be a Little Chef/Travelodge and Owen insisted we pull into a pub car park so he could jump across the fences and through two fields in the pitch black to get a shot of the derelict building which has yet to be turned into a Starbucks of Greggs. I stayed in the van and locked the doors. It was getting late and a little bit of me expected to hear a farmers gunshot. I didn’t of course and Owen returned over the fences with some snaps and was buzzing. Then we went on to the South Worksop branch, which was joined to a Travel Lodge, got a quick photo (it was closed for the evening) and drove onwards…

Eighth Stop: A46 South Lincoln

It was really dark now and starting to rain again. We parked over the top of a puddle. Owen seemed to take ages faffing for the right shot. We could see people sat inside the Little Chef but on closer inspection they were eating Burger King from the adjoining chain and the lights above the Little Chef counter were firmly off. We were both flagging, looking forward to a beer before bed and hoping we could find a roadside hotel with a bar.

Ninth Stop: A17 Sleaford

Another closed for the night Little Chef shot in the dark with our tired sleepy crumpet faces loosing enthusiasm. To add the icing onto our stale cake faces we just discovered there are two more restaurants we hadn’t plotted on our original route and add the two branches onto our map below Grantham. The light is perfect for taking photos. It’s nearly 10.30pm. We need to find a hotel sooner than anticipated.

Tenth Stop: A1 South Grantham

This branch looked great from the outside. Even more great because it was paired with a Travelodge. We took a super quick snap of the Little Chef, then headed into the lodge to book a £45 bed for the night, without breakfast. There was no hotel bar but a Spar Shop in the Shell Garage we hoped would stock beer. Unfortunately it was a dry store ran by a chap called Trevor who wanted to tell us more about his hours of work that week in the Esso/Spar Garage/Shop than our tired ears had the patience to listen to. We made our excuses to leave quickly. Our dinner that night wasn’t at Little Chef but a packet of pretzel pieces, a grab sized bag of pickled onion monster munch, washed down with a mug of typhoo tea with long life milk from the hotel room. Our heads heavily hit the pillows around 11.30pm and just before we fell asleep we laughed and repeated ‘what the bloody hell are we doing?’ and ‘this is ridiculous, what if the Little Chef trail kills us? What a way to go!’

Monday 31st July coming shortly, with twelve more Little Chef stops between Grantham & Cornwall.