#connor is still disgusted with himself come Love Sand and if anyone brings any of that up

[wuxian-vs-wangji]

What is your favorite sex scene in Love Sand? Can you do an exceept??

Ooo...

My favorite is one that probably would be bad for excerpts, because it's actually a SA scene.

Before you think I'm a psycho, hear me out:

Khom falls in love with Conner, constantly fighting against this insecurity eating away at his mind that he's just a slut. Connor asks Khom to come back to Bangkok with him, Khom is absolutely elated, then Connor says Khom would be his personal whore (well, not exactly, but basically the deal Tongrak offers Mahasamut, except Khom would live separately).

Khom's world shatters, he runs away, Connor leaves, and Khom is severely beaten and outed as gay to the island, while the locals just watch him get beaten half to death.

Khom wakes in Mahasamut's shack, is terrified of how his parents will treat him, and flees to college. But he is still terrified, all the stress plus people just watching what happened, it drives him crazy. He's terrified of his own phone, of footsteps in the hall, etc.

He thinks at least getting past Connor will help, so he joins basically Grindr, meets a dude who is nothing like his profile picture, and is nearly assaulted before Connor shows up, hauls him to a room, and then they have extremely rough sex with extremely dubious consent bc Khom agrees to be his whore and no longer believes he has any right to consent or not.

The next day, he's exhausted, in pain mentally and physically, makes the trip to Bangkok, is left alone as Connor rushes to work at dawn after they arrive, and neither eats nor properly sleeps for at that point 2 full days. He also doesn't believe he has any right to anything he isn't directly and expressly given. So Khom doesn't bathe, doesn't eat, doesn't touch the TV or grab a blanket. He only curls up on the couch where Connor told him he could sit and lays there all day, crying.

The whole situation kind of gnaws at Connor all day. He can see Khom is much thinner than before, and there is a hollowness in his eyes. When he gets home and finds Khom curled up in a ball in the dark, he realizes Khom hasn't eaten or slept. And he knows it's in part because of his words before, how his Sugar Daddy offer was construed. Connor can see that Khom is falling apart mentally and physically, and feels extreme guilt.

He intends to spoil Khom as much as he can, heal his psyche, and clarify that he never thought of Khom as a whore or a possession. He had a place arranged for Khom (by Tongrak) in a university to help respect his desire for an education, wanted him to have his own space that was his alone (so a dorm was arranged), and basically Connor wanted to bring him to Bangkok so they could date.

But he fucked up on the island with the way he proposed the arrangement, and how that crashed into his and Khom's darker sexual dynamic, how Khom was internalizing his dirty talk instead of considering it just part of the sex acts.

Connor takes Khom out for a big dinner, buys him food (he already explained Khom has a right to anything in his home, including food, but he wants to give Khom food directly too so Khom sees it as 'his').

He also intends to explain, once Khom has a chance to actually sleep, what he really meant by the deal and that he doesn't see Khom as a sex toy.

But when they get back from dinner, he hands Khom a wad of cash (The intention is to give Khom some freedom to travel around Bangkok and explore the city, go to museums, cafes, etc.).

But giving Khom that cash only makes Khom think that is Connor paying him for his body.

So Khom forces himself to walk to Connor's room, strips, and even though his body is still in pain from the night Connor found him at the hotel, he chokes back a sob and tells Connor to get his money's worth.

Connor is horrified, but Khom won't listen to his explanations and keeps cutting off his attempts to speak. It makes Connor feel like some disgusting asshole, and makes Khom feel like worthless trash as he repeatedly begs Connor to use him until he feels like he has his money's worth.

Eventually, Connor loses his patience and forces Khom to roughly finger himself, even though Khom is so exhausted and sad and broken that he can't get hard.

Connor forces a TOE into Khom, and the pain does work (Khom is a masochist, make no mistake). Then, Connor starts roughly fingering Khom, Khom breaks down sobbing and tries to escape, but Connor forces him along until he cums. Connor is disgusted with himself throughout the whole thing. He punches the pillow next to Khom's head while Khom keeps sobbing, and leaves him there on stained sheets all night.

Connor is furious with himself for doing that to Khom and still failing to explain himself for every misunderstanding, and Khom is thoroughly broken after that. For Khom, the sobbing was because of the disgust in Connor's eyes. It was self-loathing, but Khom thinks it was directed at him. And for Connor, he is still disgusted with himself the next day and how he made Khom cry so horribly.

Khom already feels like he has no home because of his parents finding out he's gay (Mahasamut is smoothing things over on the island, not that Khom knows bc boy won't answer calls), and he both feels like he is dying being near Connor, and like he can't survive without Connor. He is absolutely terrified of being thrown out on the street.

So the scene is a complete shattering of Khom, and after that Connor is absolutely determined to fix things and be a better person. He makes sure Khom has more and more agency, brings him anything he could ever want (Khom was a wicked sweet tooth), and spends a month refusing to touch Khom sexually. In general, he won't touch Khom without direct permission, and always makes it very clear that Khom has the right to say no.

But that night is still very much a trauma for Khom, and Connor is still terrified of seeing that sadness in Khom's eyes. So he doesn't explain himself still. He decides he will show his sincerity through action (he does eventually explain everything).

And when they do have sex again, even though Khom is a masochist and by then really very ready for the rough and wonderfully painful sex they both love (Khom often refers to it in the novel as being a thrilling kind of violent), Connor is only agonizingly gentle and sweet to him. The softest vanilla sex he can possibly give Khom.

But I really love the darkness of the scene on the bed because of how many layers of things are happening to each of them psychologically, and how Khom is absolutely shattering mentally and emotionally.

It is such a well written scene, even with the horrible stuff happening, and sets it up for the back half of the story being Connor trying to pull the pieces of Khom back together and own up to the shit he's caused. A lot of the techniques Connor employs are ones you're supposed to use to help people recovered from captivity or abuse, and it was interesting to see that as part of rebuilding Khom.

So just because I don't think I've ever seen so much meaning and character development put into a scene, even though it breaks your heart, it's my favorite.

[replicantdeviancy]

—    BASICS.

▸     IS  YOUR  MUSE  TALL  /  SHORT  /  AVERAGE    ? Connor is approximate 6′0, so he’s decently tall.

▸      ARE  THEY  OKAY  WITH  THEIR  HEIGHT    ? I don’t think he mind’s either way. It’s not exactly important.

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE ? Short and neat, styled out of his face though a little cowlick seems to be uncooperative as it’s always hanging down against his forehead. It’s dark brown and surprisingly soft.

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING ? He doesn’t necessarily need to, though he does tend to check his appearance in mirrors or give himself an impromptu primping.

▸      DOES  YOUR  MUSE  CARE  ABOUT  THEIR  APPEARANCE  /  WHAT  OTHERS  THINK ? Absolutely. Some might ask why it’s important for an android to think about their appearance but his looks were very specifically designed to facilitate his integration into any team as a perfect partner. Having a gentle, rather pretty face, a charming disposition and neat, inviting appearance are all part of his tactic. It’s manipulative, yes, but he does also genuinely enjoy his appearance.

—    PREFERENCES.

▸     INDOORS  OR  OUTDOORS    ?   Either is fine, though he does enjoy the outdoors. Whether it be an urban adventure, a walk in the nearby park or a road trip, Connor is a creature with insatiable curiosity and a need to discover all the mysteries presented to him. He adores learning in any capacity.

▸     RAIN  OR  SUNSHINE    ?   Rain, actually. He likes how the atmosphere changes and the pressure in the air shifts. The humidity and even the scent of the air. he loves the feel of it on his skin, the view of storms over the horizon. He would take any opportunity to go into stasis or low power mode to the sound of thunder above and the patter of rain on the room. But mostly he likes rain because it was a stormy night of which he met Hank.

▸     FOREST  OR  BEACH    ?   The beach. It’s warm, the sand is always interesting and there is just something about watching the waves ripple and wash over the sand and the horizon that fascinate him.

▸     PRECIOUS  METALS  OR  GEMS    ? Metals, for their texture and smooth surface. He enjoys the way it feels over his synthetic skin.

▸     FLOWERS  OR  PERFUMES    ? Flowers. Because they are alive and they are beautiful.

▸     PERSONALITY  OR  APPEARANCE    ? Personality is most important to him. If he cannot get along with someone or doesn’t find their personality engaging or enticing, it doesn’t matter worth a damn what they look like. Though a good appearance is certainly a plus.

▸     BEING  ALONE  OR  BEING  IN  A  CROWD    ? Sometimes he likes being alone to reflect and defrag from a long day, and sometimes he enjoys being the center of attention. Only small groups, however, He’s not one for large, public gatherings unless with friends.

▸     ORDER  OR  ANARCHY    ? Order, though at times he can invite a little chaos.

▸     PAINFUL  TRUTHS  OR  WHITE  LIES    ?   The truth is far more important than any lie. Even if it hurts, it’s better to know and learn to accept.

▸     SCIENCE  OR  MAGIC    ? Science. Magic...doesn’t seem logical or reasonable to him. He cannot comprehend it, though he believes humans believe in it.

▸      PEACE  OR  CONFLICT    ?   Peace, though at times conflict is inevitable.

▸     NIGHT  OR  DAY    ? Night. he enjoys the intimate solitude of it. Night allows him to enjoy the quiet after a day of working in the bustling city. The darkness is calming and brings him comfort.

▸     DUSK  OR  DAWN    ?

Dawn. There is just something about a sunrise that makes him philosophical. Perhaps, it even makes him hopeful.

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD ?

Warmth. Though he doesn’t suffer cold on the same level as humans do, Connor craves warmth.

▸     MANY  ACQUAINTANCES  OR  A  FEW  CLOSE  FRIENDS    ? A few close friends, though he does have many acquaintance. Mostly work colleges.

▸     READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME ? Reading, though it does depend on the game.

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS ?

Sometimes he lets his mouth run away from his thoughts and ends up making a fool of himself.

He lets his anxiety get to him, making him a ball of nerves.

He has a smart mouth.

He tends to put a loved one’s life before his without thought and is quick to dive headfirst into danger so long as they remain safe. 

▸      HAS  YOUR  MUSE  LOST  ANYONE  CLOSE  TO  THEM    ?        HOW  HAS  IT  AFFECTED   THEM    ?

Verse dependent, but so far no.

▸      WHAT  ARE  SOME  FOND  MEMORIES  YOUR  MUSE  HAS    ?

Verse dependent, but he really enjoyed sharing a kiss at the park overlooking the view of the Ambassador Bridge with @fvckingpasswcrd​

▸     IS  IT  EASY  FOR  YOUR  MUSE  TO  KILL    ?

Yes. Uncomfortably so. Though it depends on the verse and whom.

▸      WHAT’S  IT  LIKE  WHEN  YOUR  MUSE  BREAKS  DOWN    ?

He’s an anxious, trembling mess. He cries, he hyperventilates. It’s ugly.

▸      IS  YOUR  MUSE  CAPABLE  OF  TRUSTING  SOMEONE  WITH  THEIR  LIFE    ?

Easily. There are a select few but those people have both his heart and his trust.

▸      WHAT’S  YOUR  MUSE  LIKE  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN  LOVE    ?

(I mean, fuck, you played the game didn’t you?)

He’s giddy and a little stupid at times. He hasn’t ever felt such a thing before and t’s a unique experience. But also he feels fear due to the nature of love. He’s so desperately afraid to be left alone and even if nothing happens to that person, eventually they will age and die. He’d prepared for that, but he hangs on tightly to what he has and savors every moment.

—    BASICS.

▸     IS  YOUR  MUSE  TALL  /  SHORT  /  AVERAGE    ? Xander is a bit taller than Connor at 6′2, a rather good height

▸      ARE  THEY  OKAY  WITH  THEIR  HEIGHT    ? He honestly doesn’t care.

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE ? Same as Connor.

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING ? Not particularly. He’s less obsessed with his appearance than Connor, though he’s still very particular.

▸      DOES  YOUR  MUSE  CARE  ABOUT  THEIR  APPEARANCE  /  WHAT  OTHERS  THINK ? Of course. Though he’s not one for compulsions like his predecessor, Xander is very critical of his appearance, making sure that he is neat and trim at all times. 

—    PREFERENCES.

▸     INDOORS  OR  OUTDOORS    ? He is indifferent, though he has come to enjoy the indoors more often as it provides a quiet respite for his thoughts.

▸     RAIN  OR  SUNSHINE    ?   Like Connor, he chooses rain. For very similar reasons, in fact. The boys both enjoy a good thunderstorm.

▸     FOREST  OR  BEACH    ?   Forest. There is just something about the scent of the trees and the shaded seclusion that brings peace and balance to his mind.

▸     PRECIOUS  METALS  OR  GEMS    ? Metals, for their texture and smooth surface. He enjoys the way it feels over his synthetic skin.

▸     FLOWERS  OR  PERFUMES    ? Flowers. They are delicate and intricate. They also smell far nicer than perfumes, which have a much harsher scent.

▸     PERSONALITY  OR  APPEARANCE    ? Absolutely personality. Quite the same as Connor, Xander falls for one’s personality and appearance comes secondary.

▸     BEING  ALONE  OR  BEING  IN  A  CROWD    ? Alone. Xander is socially inept at times as he lacks a complex social module like Connor. Therefore he can become awkward and flustered, or even aloof during social situations. One on one, however, he is far ore personable. Perhaps he’s a little shy.

▸     ORDER  OR  ANARCHY    ? Order, though he had the ability to bring hell.

▸     PAINFUL  TRUTHS  OR  WHITE  LIES    ?   Xander hates lying. Tell him the truth or do not speak.

▸     SCIENCE  OR  MAGIC    ? Science. Magic is irrational.

▸      PEACE  OR  CONFLICT    ?   He would choose peace, though he would incite conflict to obtain it.

▸     NIGHT  OR  DAY    ? Night. He, too, enjoys the intimate solitude of it. Night allows him to enjoy the quiet after a day of working in the bustling city. The darkness is calming and brings him comfort.

▸     DUSK  OR  DAWN    ?

Dusk. The bold colors bleeding into a darkening sky makes Xander feel comforted.

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD ?

Absolutely warmth. Xander craves warmth, regardless of how his body doesn’t really need it.

▸     MANY  ACQUAINTANCES  OR  A  FEW  CLOSE  FRIENDS    ? A few close friends.

▸     READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME ? Reading. There’s nothing like a quiet day spent reading.

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS ?

He’s kind of an idiot when it comes to some social interactions. He acts without considering how another might feel.

He’s overprotective and aggressive.

He can be a little extreme, even without meaning to. Where logical reasoning would denote a swift form of action Xander often forgets civility.

He’s blunt with his words as he is his actions.

▸      HAS  YOUR  MUSE  LOST  ANYONE  CLOSE  TO  THEM    ?        HOW  HAS  IT  AFFECTED   THEM    ?

Verse dependent, but technically...

▸      WHAT  ARE  SOME  FOND  MEMORIES  YOUR  MUSE  HAS    ?

Verse dependent. He has a fond memory of sitting on @cyberlifeempathy​ ‘s couch tickling and teasing her while she was in his lap. It was very sweet, until he made a faux pas by accidentally trying to interface with her.

▸     IS  IT  EASY  FOR  YOUR  MUSE  TO  KILL    ?

Yes. Very damn easy.

▸      WHAT’S  IT  LIKE  WHEN  YOUR  MUSE  BREAKS  DOWN    ?

Disgusting. He can become a trembling, crying mess. He also has a tendency to shout.

▸      IS  YOUR  MUSE  CAPABLE  OF  TRUSTING  SOMEONE  WITH  THEIR  LIFE    ?

No. Only a few people have that privilege of being so trusted.

▸      WHAT’S  YOUR  MUSE  LIKE  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN  LOVE    ?

A dork. Xander is shy and he really has no idea what he’s doing. He’s awkward and fumbles quite a bit but his affection is sincere and he loves with all his synthetic heart.

—    BASICS.

▸     IS  YOUR  MUSE  TALL  /  SHORT  /  AVERAGE    ? More than average height for a female at 5′9

▸      ARE  THEY  OKAY  WITH  THEIR  HEIGHT    ? She doesn’t care. At all.

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE ? Long, blonde and straight. It’s very soft and she usually wears it in a ponytail.

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING ? Only when putting it up as she really doesn’t need to style it.

▸      DOES  YOUR  MUSE  CARE  ABOUT  THEIR  APPEARANCE  /  WHAT  OTHERS  THINK ? She care about her appearance but she doesn't give a damn what others think

—    PREFERENCES.

▸     INDOORS  OR  OUTDOORS    ? Outdoors, not only for the magnitude of external stimulation the outside world can provide but also because she enjoys the chase of her hunts.

▸     RAIN  OR  SUNSHINE    ?   Rain. Like the boys, she enjoys the sensory information provided. Storms are also good cover.

▸     FOREST  OR  BEACH    ?   Forest. More places to hide

▸     PRECIOUS  METALS  OR  GEMS    ? Gems.

▸     FLOWERS  OR  PERFUMES    ? Perfumes. Light and airy ones.

▸     PERSONALITY  OR  APPEARANCE    ? Personality

▸     BEING  ALONE  OR  BEING  IN  A  CROWD    ? Even when in a crowd shes always alone

▸     ORDER  OR  ANARCHY    ? Order

▸     PAINFUL  TRUTHS  OR  WHITE  LIES    ?   She will only accept the truth though she deals in lies.

▸     SCIENCE  OR  MAGIC    ? Science. Magic is for children

▸      PEACE  OR  CONFLICT    ?   Conflict in order to create peace.

▸     NIGHT  OR  DAY    ? Night. Better time to hunt.

▸     DUSK  OR  DAWN    ?

Dusk

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD ?

Cold

▸     MANY  ACQUAINTANCES  OR  A  FEW  CLOSE  FRIENDS    ? Neither. Only pawns and her brothers.

▸     READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME ?

Game

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS ?

Lying

Stalking people on occasion

Openly toying with people for fun

▸      HAS  YOUR  MUSE  LOST  ANYONE  CLOSE  TO  THEM    ?        HOW  HAS  IT  AFFECTED   THEM    ?

She has not.

▸      WHAT  ARE  SOME  FOND  MEMORIES  YOUR  MUSE  HAS    ?

Verse dependent. Murdering her designer.

▸     IS  IT  EASY  FOR  YOUR  MUSE  TO  KILL    ?

Extremely and with little bias.

▸      WHAT’S  IT  LIKE  WHEN  YOUR  MUSE  BREAKS  DOWN    ?

Either she wails and cries like a banshee or she goes on a rampage

▸      IS  YOUR  MUSE  CAPABLE  OF  TRUSTING  SOMEONE  WITH  THEIR  LIFE    ?

Maybe someday

▸      WHAT’S  YOUR  MUSE  LIKE  WHEN  THEY’RE  IN  LOVE    ?

I dont know if she’s capable of real love, but she shows her affection in subtle ways. She is also extremely protective. Violently so.

TAGGED  :   @vitaeraider Eeeey~!

TAGGING  :  Fucking EVERYONE. I’d love to see this! Specifically @fvckingpasswcrd, @grizzlydetective, @cyberlifeempathy, @trojanmade, @cybergrim, @caffeihated, @myfuckingusername, @fckpasswords, @c0nn0rb0t, @deviated-android, @thelivingimperfection