#connections⠀ ⠀✦⠀ ⠀i'll outlive you / i promise

[empyvreals]

tag dump

[disappointedpistachios]

Venting

Tw:suicide,suicidal thoughts,talk of death

I know there are a lot of people who dont like me, I go through every day knowing that people I love dont want me around. Frankly, I dont want to be around anymore. I dont want to kill myself but I dont want to be here anymore either and at this point I dont know what to do with myself. I want to go to school, finish college but I feel like I'm too fucking dumb for all of it, I dont mind working and I like my team but all the fun and joy and smiles at work seem to fade from existence by the time I'm in my car. I love my mom and I like to believe she loves me too but it seems like we never connect anymore, no one answers my calls, no one answers my texts or messages, anytime I try to leave my bubble I'm pushed back in, then I'm made fun of because I can never get out.

I hate living in a messy room, driving a messy car, but I'm too lazy to get off my ass and clean, and when I do clean I just fuck it up a week later, or I get distracted halfway through the process and never finish. I'm a fucking mess, I cant find my insurance card or student ID, I lose my shoes and socks all the time, I dont know how to keep up with anything and I get called out for it, which I should be, I live like an actual pig, but no matter how much I'm yelled at or lectured to about it I can never FIX it.

I really do look forward to what I want my future to be, but anytime I take a step forward I feel more and more inadequate.

And the worst part is I really am trying to pull myself together but I just cant get it right. I always fuck it up somehow, whether it be sleeping in to class, breaking down at work, making unnecessary and essentially incoherent phone calls to my boss about something I thought made sense but when it comes out its gibberish, procrastinating, literally anything, I always manage to fuck something up.

I dont like being me, I look into the mirror and want to tear off my face, I see my body and I want to starve myself, I just sit in a room by myself and tear myself apart. I hate that I start to cry when I hear loud noises, I hate that I cant hear when people are talking to me and they go "are you deaf?" Or "you just have selective hearing", I hate that I catch on my own words and have to talk slowly to get my thought across, I hate that I cant remember things, I hate that I lose things, I hate the way my voice sounds and I hate that I'm so quiet, I hate that I get so anxious that I start to cry and hyperventilate anytime I'm face to face with an authority figure even if the interaction is positive, i hate that I'll be happy and fine one moment and the next I'm crying in the bathroom mirror wondering why I'm still here. I hate that I get so angry I want to hurt people, I hate I get so angry I want to hurt myself. I hate that I cry when I feel any slightly overwhelming emotion, I hate that I flinch when people approach to quickly, or when someone lifts their hand, or laughs too loud, or sneezes or yells. I hate that I still have to count on my fingers like a fucking kindergartner, I hate that I dont even know my months in order without singing a stupid song, I hate that I hate myself but I cant do anything to stop it and I hate that too.

Like I said I dont want to kill myself but I'm starting to become indifferent to death. I just want to go to sleep and die, I want to wake up in a happy place where I dont have to hate myself anymore because I'd be perfect.

And if I'm being completely honest the only reason I've made it this long is because I wanted to outlive my dog, I didnt want her to have to go to someone else, and it would be selfish to make her go through that, but at this point everything's getting so bad I dont know if i can keep that promise. And maybe i am just feeling g low today, or maybe I'm being overdramatic but it's been consistent and it hurts, wrists itch and burn, my body is heavy, its like a constant headache. I feel like a prisoner in my own body, and I'm getting sick of it.