#congratulations your daughter’s a shit person and now you have to cope with it

[little-red-toyota]

Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

 Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…  

 4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

 5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

 6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think?  I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

 7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

 9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

 First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

 This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

[australian-desi]

Qurbaan Hua ~ Episode 5-9: Of IVF Being Horrible, Windchimes, Cunning Aunties and Disgusting Husbands

Gonna dive right in

Episode 5

Mans has gone from “me and Meera have been dating for 6 months” to screaming “I LOVE YOU MEERA” at the top of the mountain 

Time for another coincidance - it’s purnima so he’s going to go ask for a mannat and on this day different people from different faiths go to this certain place for their wishes and prayers - and we all know what that means

Also now that I’ve watched a few episodes, I have to say I really like the styling  for Chahat they’ve given her a mix of ethnic and western wear and the fancy clothes she wears are really pretty (so far) and I hope it stays this way

I am a complete slut for mannat scenes and this one was very pure

Why can’t these people say Saraswati, it isn’t that hard

Also it’s 2020, surely it’s time we understand just because a woman is pregnant doesn’t mean she’s disabled and needs to be carried everywhere

Also, Naveli (Anjali2.0 and Neil’s cousin) is superrr suss

SHE TAPED HIS FACE OMG IM MORE IMPRESSED BY HER BY EVERY MINUTE

And she’s given him meds to give to the people he interacts with coz he causes them headaches (and he’s held onto it the whole time coz Pehle Pyaar Ka Pehla Tohfa) 

Awww our OTP has ‘Bhags stamp of approval’ 

They’ve also touched her feet how cute

Episode 6

So Ghazala has ruined Chahat’s mum’s sharara and like this is what I mean they’ve written her horribly, like why would someone go out of their way to hurt a kid like that - her mother’s dead what more does she want

And daddy dearest has another pooja to attend so he’s said no to attending his daughter’s baby shower, something Neil is now salty about

For a doctor, Chahat’s dad is quite daft 

And for a pandit, Neil’s dad is quite mean

Nice touch by Ghazala by turning this whole thing on Chahat, and thankfully her dad believes her

Episode 7

So this Kamini wannabe of a mami has said that Saraswati’s baby is najayaz, and at this point I really have got to ask - how the fuck did she jump to that conclusion?????

Apparently coz she was barren for 8 years, so how can she be pregnant now, so something must be up 

The logic fails me here, IF SHE WAS BARREN/WAS UNABLE TO GET PREGNANT, HOW TF IS THE CHILD ILLEGITIMATE???

OMFLLLLLL SHE’S SAYING THAT COZ THE CHILD WAS CONCEIVED FROM IVF, THAT’S WHY IT’S ILLEGITIMATE 

I CANNOT

I’M SO CLOSE TO QUITTING 

DO THESE DUMBASS PEOPLE NOT REALISE THAT AN IVF BABY IS ALSO A BLESSING IN ITSELF, IT’S NOT 100% GUARANTEED TO GET YOU PREGNANT EITHER BUT IT HELPS 

By this logic they shouldn’t use annnnyyyy modern technology 

I understand Neil now, and why he’s so done with this bullshit

YAAASSS NEIL, GO FUCK THEM UP 

Look Chahat, I love you and all, but like listen to Neil when it comes to his crazy psychotic family

Also do not tell me like the Oberoi family, this whole family cannot have 1 smooth sailing function/party 

We love a sibling duo that had to raise each other because their parents were dead/useless 

I’m so fucking done, now not only does your doctor have to be of the same religion, he/she has to be from the same caste 

YEH DOCTOR DHOOND RAHE HAI KE RISHTA 

Neil’s trying to talk some sense to these people, but as usual, he gets shut down for talking sense 

OMG HE’S COME OUT WITH FACCSSSS AND HAS GIVEN HIS DAD AN ULTIMATUM - His daughter or his dharm 

Also by saying that if he’s so for modern technologies in other areas, why is he against iVF 

Omg daddy pandit finally got some sense - this was an exhausting feat

Poor tacky Kamini, unlike the og, this one’s plans always fall short 

Neil, take Saraswati and just get the fuck out of here, this dumbass mami has come with a plan and is not going to rest until one of these kids gets disowned 

Episode 8

So Vyasji in a twisted turn of events has accepted Neil’s gf, as long as their kundlis meet 

Let’s be real their stars ain’t aligning in this life 

Chahat is talking to her mother through this windchime she made with her mother’s jhumke (I guess its a coping mechanisms) about how she’s gotten a cake ordered and needs to pick it up

The windchime has told her that she needs to learn how to cook to get married 

Basically even if your Indian mother is dead, her ghost will still taunt you on your inability to get married even when you are a doctor 

She has decided she will marry a chef so that she doesnt need to learn how to cook 

The foreshadowing, the cluelessness

Omg Neil’s dad writes with ink and a peacock feather (why did I think this man would write with a pen like a normal person)

He’s literally whipped out a chart and started making Neil’s (ex)gf’s kundli RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS DAUGHTER’S BABY SHOWER BECAUSE #priorities 

Anjali2.0 is literally sitting there praying as if Vyasji is sitting there calculating her Year 12 results and not a kundli

And we’ve got an “asambhav”, but we all knew that - Neil’s literally smirking coz he knew no matter what, the stars won’t align 

Omlll he’s inherited the whole “I write my own destiny” from Arnav 

“Main uss ladko ko kabhi nahi apnaunga” “Toh kya faraq padta hai, main usse apna chuka hoon” Boisss I really like this dude 

I wish I had this confidence but alas, I do not

And Neil has decided to leave the chat, go to Delhi and get married there, while giving everyone a fuck you (except his sister ofcourse)

Little does he know he isn’t even gonna make it to the bloody bus stand before he ends back here 

Anjali2.0 is begging her dad to stop him, but he’s talking about the stars and shit 

And right on cue Chahat and Neil are walking on the same bridge, none of them paying attention, they crash and just like that, the cake has fallen into the deep sea, adding to the pollution 

OMGG THIS MAN TOLD HER HOW ALL DADS ARE USELESS AND SHE GOES “oh hello, tumhe bohot saare childhood issues hai, lekin mere baba aise nahi hai ... woh mere liye taare bhi tod sakte hai” 

THIS IS WHY WE NEEDED A FEMALE LEAD IN THE MEDICAL FIELD - SHE UNDERSTOOD WITHIN 2-3 MEETINGS HOW FUCKED UP OUR DUDE IS 

and now he’s sarcastically congratulating her on her father because “aur ek mere baba hai jo hamesha taaron mein uljhe rehte hai, aur vaise tumhe tumhaare taare todne waale baba, bohot, bohot, bohot hi ziada mubarak” 

LOLLL SHE’S PULLING AND DRAGGING HIM TO GET HER THE SAME CAKE AND HE TRIED TO GIVE HER MONEY TO BUY A NEW ONE, AND SHE’S LIKE NOPE, THE BAKERY I GET THIS FROM IS CLOSED AND SO YOU WILL PROVIDE ME WITH A NEW CAKE 

Lolll I never knew he will be stuck here because of a cake 

AND NOW SHE’S TAKEN HIS BAG AS HOSTAGE AND HE’S LITERALLY SCREAMING THAT SHE’S LOST THE PLOT 

But personally, I feel she gained it 

Turns out the shop that she got the cake from, is his friend’s shop, and now he’s baking the cake himself because my man is also a pastry chef 

And he’s friend has left the chat because he doesnt want to get beaten up 

So it’s time for the kitchen romance.tm

Omg he told her he’s a chef and she’s so turned on 

OMGGGGGGG IM DEDDD 

But should’t she tie her hair #justsaying

Now back to the Neil’s crazy fam, where the only other person with sense, Anjali2.0 has also said to her dad, that Neil was always right about him 

Yesss gurlll, give it back to him

She’s telling him off how he forego his religious beliefs for her, but why can’t he do the same for Neil

I actually like her so much and the way she’s written

She’s also telling him how she tried to make sure that Neil never felt their mother’s absence (a responsibility she didn’t to take up), because her dad never let Neil feel loved 

OMG SIS SAID THAT BY BEING HEAD PRIEST, YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN YOUR DUTY AS A FATHER AND SHE DID NOT STUTTER 

Everyone is shook (including me)

I was not expecting her to give her father an ultimatum

So she said, that if he does not give Neil and Meera his blessing, he will see her dead 

OMGGG WHYYYAYFOIHFBEI THE ANXIETY 

Episode 9

We’ve begun with some cuteness regarding her rubbing flour all over face 

And like the idiot he is, he’s told her that her face is completely clean 

OMGGG HE’S GUIDING HER HANDS 

HOLY SHIT SISSS IS ALREADY IMAGINING HERSELF BEING MARRIED TO HIM 

Like same, but I also cannot 

Also I’m lolling at the fact she’s imagining their Nikaah, like his family won’t kill him for that

OMG THIS DICKHEAD HAS GIVEN THE CAKE HE MADE FOR HER DAD TO THE GAREEB CHILDREN LIKE SHE GAVE HIS SANGORIA TO THE GAREEB CHILDREN 

Awww I spoke too soon, she left the cake at the shop and he was just messing with her 

Guysss I really love their chemistry

He said that he won’t sit behind her, coz he doesn’t sit behind girls *rolls eyes*, but she’s not having it and reminded him that she beat him in a motorcycle race so he should suck it up

And they’ve had their first ‘accidental’ pressed up on each other fall 

A trope I do love with all my heart  

NOW HE’S COVERING HIS CHEST LIKE HIS IZZAT HAS BEEN LOOTED 

I’m hoping that Shyam1.5 isn’t as bad as his predecessors, but I do realise that is wishful thinking coz the couple scene where he talks to Saraswati was quite sweet

OMG THERE’S AN INTRUDER IN THEIR HOUSE AND I REALLY DON’T WANT SARASWATI TO GO CHECK, AND I’M FREAKING OUT 

She’s found Naveli’s earrings on the ground, Shyam1.5 and her are having an affair aren’t they

I FUCKING KNEW THAT NAVELI WAS SUSS AND SO WAS THIS HARAMKHOR SHYAM1.5 

I AM SO GROSSED OUT RN, WHAT IS SHE 10 YEARS OR MORE YOUNGER THAN HIM 

OMG HE’S ACTUALLY YUCK, LIKE SHYAM WAS YUCK BUT AT LEAST KHUSHI WASN’T HIS SAALI

AND WHAT TYPE OF COUSIN DOES THAT 

Saraswati please go fuck him up 

OMG OMG OMG YEH PADA THAPPAD!!!!!!! 

Well that’s another week done

[red-sterling]

thanks for answering!! i hope you don't mind if i send more charas...how about green and/or lillie?

fhgjkfdg aw yea thank u!! hopefully this doesn’t publish before i’m done typing lol

also this definitely needs a readmore bc i got emotional abt Green oops

Green

favorite thing about them

first of all: the fact that Green canonically has a rivals to best friends arc with Red fills me with so much joy and YES they are on their alolan honeymoon you cannot convince me otherwise

okay like. gen 1 Green just perfectly encompasses what it’s like to be a ten year old in a way? like ofc he’s written like a kid bc he is a kid, but i feel like the writing on him just feels so genuine as compared to some of the other 10 yr old rivals you get in other regions. even though he’s kinda a brat at the start, he kinda eases up a bit as you go along your journey and starts giving you progressively nicer/more praise-y end lines when you beat him (going from “i picked the wrong pokémon!” to “so, you are ready for boss rocket!”) but still retains this childlike rivalry and competitiveness and i love that about him

and like. fucking beating him at the Indigo League still completely breaks my heart because even after he did become the champion at age 10 the first thing that happens is you beat him and Prof Oak just yells at him for being bad at things and like. ow. 

this is why i headcanon that Red actually took awhile longer to get to Green like please. please give my boy a chance to be happy and proud

also Red was caught up with Team Rocket anyway so i imagine he must’ve fallen a little behind at some point? anyway

the development on him across regions is so choice!!! he’s so much more mellow and even kinda melancholic when you find him in gsc/hgss, like he’s calmed down over a few years and he obviously misses Red so much but like, it’s clear that Red is kinda the reason Green does settle down and he seems to have worked on his character and become a nicer person - and he still has that sassy flair to him! he’s just got that gradual slope from asshole rival to kinda aloof gym leader to friendly/sassy battle legend and aaaaa i love my boy so MUCH

also huge point: he’s so fucking driven??? he’s got the most drive and the most passion for battles/pokémon in general out of all the rivals i feel. he’s only closely matched by Silver, but Silver seems to be more aggressive than passionate, and somewhat out of necessity too (like, Giovanni abandoned him what was he to do), whereas Green just really like. he genuinely just cares so much about battles and about pokémon in general! he literally calls you in hgss and just rants about how many different kinds of pokémon there are in the world!!!

also in Alola he’s like???? just so sweet?????? he congratulates you and is like hey you’re really strong lets battle like!!!!!!!!! supportive boy!!!!! he has come so far over so many generations and i cry

also on Four Island when you play frlg he legitimately says “Be smelling ya!” when he leaves and how do you not love this idiot

least favorite thing about them

i mean. while i get that you beat Green right after he becomes the champion in the kanto games i feel like there should’ve been more pomp and circumstance for him and i’ll never forgive gamefreak for giving this boy his dream, then making you rip it away from him, and then watching his own gramps yell at him for fucking up like. again it’s that drive, i get why Red keeps such good pace w Green but i just feel like he worked so hard and he deserved so much better than that

also while i’m very biased towards him bc Big Emotions, i feel like if i knew this boy irl who was constantly i’m so great and you’re a loser i would probably punch him eventually lmao. in theory it’s kinda endearing but as a real person that’d be grating 

favorite line

on one hand, “smell ya later” is so fucking iconic, but on the other - 

“I’m Blue. Man, this guy called Red brought me down in a heartbeat. I haven’t seen him in a long time…I wonder where he is and what he’s up to… Come to think of it, you look a little bit like Red. Yeah, you do. Just…Just a little bit. Whatever…”

my namelessshipping heart

ALSO NOT CANON BUT GREEN RANTING TO YOU ABOUT RED AND GETTING SO DISTRACTED THAT HE FORGETS TO GIVE YOU THE POKÉDEX????? BIG GAY

brOTP

for long elaborate headcanon reasons, i see him as being a good brotp with Kris - i headcanon her as also being really driven the way Green is, but more quiet about it, she’s kinda a good balance to him and they probably do pokemon research together. i also feel like she kept him sane while Red was still missing/before they found him on a fuckin mountain

OTP

do i really need to tell you that i’m 100% namelessshipping

like they perfectly balance each other. Green has all this energy and all this spunk and Red is just like… so opposite of him y'know? he’s quiet and he’s more measured in his behavior i feel, he doesn’t really rush into things as much, and yet they both really just took Kanto by storm when they were kids, and i like how they have this foil dynamic and are both still so successful? they’re so different and they complement each other in that way, and they both find success in their own ways

like one of the reasons i hate that Green’s championship gets undersold so much is that he did beat you to the punch, and he has been one step ahead of you, and there’s so much passion there and it’s so loud - and yet you as Red are just as driven, you take down Team Rocket, you’re always right on his tail, so close but not quite there, you’re the only one who can keep up with him and you’re the only one he cares enough about to slow down for

so like. idk with even all my headcanons about namelessshipping aside (and i can infodump those another day lol), i feel like the in-game representation of them just works. they just work so well together, they balance each other without ever holding each other back, and there’s something really beautiful about that in a relationship y'know

…..i feel bad abt not putting as much infodump about isshushipping now but oh well

nOTP

i don’t really have a notp with him? i kinda like. i basically just do namelessshipping, but i don’t get a visceral eugh when i see other ships with him, just kinda a well it’s not nameless so i’ll be on my way. idek what other ships w him are popular?? i’ve been in nameless hell since 2012 so 

random headcanon

while Red is still living on Mount Silver, Green is not coping well with having him so far away, and so Green massively overworks himself to the point that he keeps just not being in his gym sometimes bc he’s bouncing between the gym, training multiple teams, pokémon research, and ofc going to visit Red whenever he can. this leads him to be kinda temperamental after he’s been working on 2 hours of sleep a day for like a week until he just has an emotional meltdown and crashes, and then he gets right back into it because he has no self preservation

…….. nicer headcanon; Red can only cook two (2) foods, so Green cooks all the food for them when they move in together. he has attempted to teach Red how to cook, but Red pretends not to understand so Green will keep making him food. Green knows Red is faking it and doesn’t call him out bc he thinks it’s cute

unpopular opinion

look i’ve played through classic red version a few times and when i say he wasn’t that much of a jerk, i do genuinely mean he was not that much of a jerk. he’s like ten. ten year olds are just Like That. i guess this isn’t too unpopular anymore but it was Back In The Day and in some parts of the fandom he’s still seen as a jerk and like Bro He Is Ten In RGB/FRLG cut him some slack

also genuinely unpopular - Green is taller than Red. i know namelessshipping has fallen into the bara Red and twink Green trope but i refuse to let go of tall Green/short Red fuckin fight me why dont you

song i associate with them

a lot of the Pray For The Wicked album by Panic! at the Disco gives me Green vibes, more for the sound than for lyrics necessarily, but for some reason Roaring 20s just like. has the sound of Green to me. it’s somewhere between flamboyant pride and underlying insecurity that i think really encapsulates Green (or at least his subtext)

favorite picture of them

i genuinely love his let’s go concept art he’s such a sweet good boy?? 

and for the life of me i cannot find the op source on this but this is my fave pic of Green/namelessshipping in general that i’ve had saved since like 2012 maybe???

yeah if anyone can help me source that i’d appreciate it bc reverse image search only brings me to pinterest and random wattpad links :/

update: source seems to be the artist くる (pixiv id=982894) on pixiv, even though the original post got taken down (ty anon!)

Lillie

favorite thing about them

by now i guess you know im a sucker for character development, but i think they did a really good job with her!! i feel like her turn is a bit more in moments than it is with Green, who gradually evolves (lol) over the course of Kanto/all the gens overall. you see more discrete moments where Lillie starts to shift and gain confidence in herself and i am so proud of her ???? like the way she gets excited when she sees Olivia doin’ her z-move stuff, she starts buying her own clothes and getting ahead of you, etc etc

and like, she still has moments where she’s scared, there’s still some fundamental Lillie in there yknow? you don’t lose any of that softness that characterizes Lillie, she just like… she gets better, she develops without losing her Lillie vibe and i love that abt her. she overcomes a lot of the shit she had to deal with when she was stuck with Lusamine, she stands up to Lusamine eventually, and ghfdkjsg gah she’s a sweet gorl i love and appreciate her

also like. the writing on her backstory is so subtle in-universe. like yeah she literally looks like Lusamine’s daughter and you see her in the opening cutscene leaving Aether, but as the protagonist - like as Selene lets say, there’s little hints about where Lillie came from, and if you suspend your disbelief and put yourself in the pc’s shoes, there’s subtly to her character arc that i like 

also like. when she changes her outfit and starts being more protagonist-y, like more confident and kinda bubbly instead of shy??? love that shit it’s so cute can i have custody of this child pls

least favorite thing about them

i like. sometimes feel like she’s too soft of a character for me to really get into? like i love her and Hau, they’re sweet good friends, but i tend to personally gravitate towards characters that create a little more tension (ie Green and N)

(though on that note, Hau can be kinda savage. he just calls Faba out and sarcastically calls Gladion “a ray of sunshine” at some point i think?? Lillie is just very tender and i will support her forever, but i think that also makes her almost too soft to keep me fixated on her yknow. it’s not even a flaw in her character but just not something i fawn over as much)

favorite line

“I’m so glad I got to meet everyone. I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

like that ending kills me but that line almost feels like. I Feel That So Much like i feel so happy to have met all these new characters and to have played these games, and i feel like some of the player’s energy and enjoyment of the game is channeled into this last line of hers 

also GET IN THE BAG

brOTP

probably her and Hau?? idk, i don’t have a specific brotp for her but i like her just hangin around w the other Alola kids, so like her, Hau, Gladion, and the protag kids. they’d raise hell together and Lillie continues to be the only one with some impulse control

(Gladion also has some impulse control but keeps getting annoyed by Hau and so he gets dragged into their nonsense anyway)

OTP

Selene and Lillie is. Good. idk what the ship name is but it’s canon

nOTP

i dont even know if people ship her with Gladion but incest is a big no-no in my house

random headcanon

when she goes to Kanto, i bet she’d pick Bulbasaur as a starter if she was given the opportunity - and if not, she’d probably catch a wild Vulpix 

unpopular opinion

idk if have any unpopular opinions for her?? 

song i associate with them

i have no reason to associate this with her but the Rainy Day theme from acgc just. has a vibe about it. i think a lot of ac music feels like it suits her

favorite picture of them

i found this art of her through a lofi remix of her theme awhile back and it’s so pleasing to look at? her hair is nice and the colors are so warm n happy gjhkfdgf

if you read this far, congratulations!!! and i’m sorry

[fernwehbookworm]

Woke The F*ck Up- Chapter 10

May 10th, 2017

Lena sat at her desk with her earphones plugged in. The best Lionel could buy because how else would you make up for shipping your fifteen, now seventeen, year old daughter to college way earlier than she should be. Lena wasn’t upset though, high school bored her at twelve so at least college grabbed her attention. Also, she was away from Luthor Mansion most of the year this way, in the single dorm room, Lionel also paid for, only going home when they closed the dorms over winter and summer break. Even then she spent most of her time doing stupid shit with Ronnie. Ronnie who always pushed her limits, mentally and physically. She was only a year older but they had both done so much growing together. So much avoiding their families too. Now she lay fast asleep in Lena’s bed as the hour was quickly approaching three. It was Lena’s favorite time of night, everything was quiet in the outside world as the music she was composing repeated through the speakers on her ears.

Ronnie didn’t know about this song was about her. It was Lena working through her feelings the only way she knew how. Maybe it would help her to work up the courage to tell her. To tell Veronica Sinclair that, despite her dysfunctional baggage and her terrible coping mechanisms, she loves her. Lena doesn't know how it happened, or when. One morning she woke up to slip from Veronica’s bed before the owner woke up, one of their unspoken rules and the sunlight was just right, and Lena finally put the word to the confusing emotions. Love. It was a first. But it made sense, her and Ronnie had been sleeping together since they both graduated high school at fourteen and fifteen. It may have been too soon but they always pushed limits. It took Lena three years to figure out love. The song starts again as Lena messes with some of the chords. The software was top of the line and really helped since Lillian forbid her from learning anything besides piano and violin. It was a sick sort of joke, she was skilled enough to compose, not to play. 

I come over Quarter past two 

Love in my eyes 

Blinded by you 

Just to get a taste of heaven

 I'm on my knees I can't help it

I'm addicted

But I can't stand the

Pain inflicted

In the morning

You're not holding on to me

Tell me what's the point of doing this every night

What you're giving me

Is nothing but a heart

It's a lullaby

Gonna kill my dreams, oh

This is the last time

Baby make up your mind

'Cause I can't keep sleeping in your bed

If you keep messing with my head

Before I slip under your sheets

Can you give me something, please?

I can't keep touching you like this

If it's just temporary bliss

Just temporary bliss

Ronnie stirred and sat up. Lena knew she was getting ready to leave so she paused the music and watched the slender figure in the moonlight. Ronnie gathered her clothing and dressed before santuring over the Lena and pulling her headphones off.

“When do you sleep?”

“Uhhh…” Lena swallowed, it was always hard to think with Ronnie this close.

“That’s what I thought. Are you at least doing something productive?”

“Yes actually. I think this is almost done.” Lena gestures to the laptop with so many different little boxes Veronica doesn't even know where to look.

“Play it for me?”

Lena bites her lip before nodding. Quickly she turns off the box with the lyrics she recorded yesterday and plays just the instrumental. Ronnie listens to the whole thing.

“Lena, that’s great! But where are the lyrics? You have a beautiful voice.”

“I am still working on them. Something isn’t right but hopefully, I can figure it out soon.”

“You should share all this work you do.” Lena snorts back laughter at Ronnie’s idea.

“Really. Lena. You are so good at music.” Lena rolls her eyes.

“Not good enough. If I was I would have actually tested in prodigy at something, instead of excellent at most things. Then Lillian may have actually let me pursue music.”

“Okay, I’ll make you a bet. If you enter the end of year Talent show and win I will… take us on a trip to France this summer after you turn eighteen. If you lose, I won’t ever bring it up again.”

France. One of the most romantic cities in the world. They had always talked about exploring the world after college. That gave Lena hope that maybe this would go better than she feared. Ronnie had always said that this was just friends, with benefits. That she didn't want anything more because what they had was great and they were both too broken by demanding families to be able to function past that. But maybe, just maybe, it was all just words. Maybe Lena just had to make the first move.

“Okay. Okay. On one condition. You don’t get to hear the song until I perform it for everyone else.”

Ronnie looks confused but nods anyway. She kisses Lena briefly before leaving her dorm room and Lena slips back on her headphones to continue working.

A week later Lena has a band. She had posted an ad promising a hundred dollars to each person and an extra hundred if they win on top of the prize money. It took some auditions to weed out those just there because they heard money was involved to find people with actual talent. After a week of intense rehearsals so that the new members could learn Lena’s music, Lena felt ready. Finals were over and her stage time slot was rapidly approaching. Lena looked around her, observing the new friendship between the guitarist and the drummer as they lounged on the couches backstage. The drummer sent one of his sticks at the guitarists head and he ducked, laughing as he almost fell off the stool.

The lights were blinding on stage. Lena’s palms sweat as she grips the microphone. But as soon as those opening chords played, something clicked. Like she had been holding her breath for so long, but now she was exhaling. Now she was home. The crowd erupted and exploded to their feet. This was it. This was Lena. Backstage she searched for Ronnie. She was going to tell her. She had to. That is when a woman appeared. Dark hair and skin, Dress suit and professional.

“Lena Luthor?”

“Yes. And you are?”

“Jessica Houng. I am here representing Green Diamond Records. I was sent to find a new face for our company. I believe that you should be that face. You are extremely talented, assuming that was an original song.”

“Y-yes. I wrote and composed it. It was… wow. Green Diamond. The same company behind My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park ? They are two of my biggest inspirations. I love their sound and, oh no, I am rambling to a Green Diamond scout. Shutting up now.” Lena self consciously crosses her arms. Never had she felt so nervous, never had she rambled before, Lillian made sure of that. Jessica just laughs.

“It’s fine Lena. We want you. Contracts are already being made if you want to join us. I guarantee, this time next year you will have an album ready to release.”

Joy bubbled up in Lena. That was everything she ever wanted. Music. Not science or engineering or business, all acceptable pursuits for the Luthor family. Music. Real music. The biggest smile Lena had ever felt emerged on her face. Then it came crashing down. Contract. Lena was still seventeen so she would need permission.

“I...I can’t. I am only seventeen. My mother hates music. She would never let me.”

“Well, that is a shame. I tell you what. Take this card. Call me when you turn eighteen. We will keep your contracts until then. I can even send copies so you can have a lawyer look over them if you wish before you sign on. Please consider it Lena.”

With that Jessica walks away, disappearing into the crowd backstage, waiting for the winner to be announced. It was her. Her band at least. But Lena’s real prize was the little card in her pocket that said “Jessica Houng, Green Diamond Recording.” that was it. A black card with an emerald gem and gold lettering across it spelling out the name and phone number. That was going to be Lena’s future, her way out from the family she hated. Hopefully with the only family that mattered. Lena sees Ronnie backstage. She jerks her head and Lena nods, knowing she wants them to meet in Lena’s room. Lena accepts the words of congratulations as she makes her escape.

Ronnie stood outside her dorm room door. Something was off in her demeanor. She looked…. Unsure.

“Hey,” Lea said smiling and stretching up on her toes to kiss her lover. Ronnie turned to the side so Lena’s kiss landed on her cheek. Lena furrowed her brow but unlocked the door and walked in, setting the trophy and flowers she earned for first place on her desk. She turned to see Ronnie still standing by the door very awkwardly. That was unusual. Ronnie always made herself at home, lounging immediately on the bed or raiding her fridge.

“Ronnie? What is it? Come on, let's celebrate. I won. And you owe me a trip to France.” Lena sauntered up to the other woman, she gently pulls at her crossed arms to try and get her to relax.

“Lena. Stop. We have to talk.” Lena backs away at the harshness in her voice.

“What is it?”

“Was… was that song about me? Is that how you feel? That you…” Ronnie trails off. Lena should have seen this coming. For all her brains and Luthor training she should have seen it. But she was still riding a high from her Green Diamond encounter. Now she was crashing down. Hard. All she could do is take the last of her confidence and tell her.

“I love you, Ronnie. I have been in love with you for a long time now, I think. And now, now I have a future that I am really looking forward to, one I want to share with you. Come with me when I turn eighteen. We can go to Metropolis and start new lives. Together.”

Ronnie’s mouth open and closed. Opened and closed. She exhaled long and loud. Then she shook her head. Veronica Sinclair walked out of Lena Luthor’s dorm room without another word. But it was enough. Enough for Lena’s heart to shatter.

**

November 6th, 2017

Kara’s lips trace the gentle curve of Lena’s neck up to the strong line of her jaw. The soft hotel sheets tangle around their waists as their bare torsos press together. Lena moans into Kara’s hair as Kara brushes across a stiff nipple and she digs her blunted nails into Kara’s shoulders. The first encounter was rushed and heated the night before, barely making it back to the hotel. The second time even more so. Now, as the sun rose and sleep still clouded their eyes, Kara was taking her time. She was slowly and gently exploring Lena in a way she hadn’t ever before. Lena was lost in the barely-there touches that rose goosebumps all over her body, the brush of lips that roamed freely, and the natural scent of Kara that Lena always desperately tried to remember but never did justice.

Kara begins to make her way further down Lena’s body as sighs escape Lena’s lips, occasionally punctuated with a moan. She can feel Kara smiling against her skin whenever she earns one of those. Kara’s tongue begins to punctuate each kiss earning more moans from Lena. She gasps as Kara dips her tongue into her navel then nips just below it. Lena is trying hard not to squirm against Kara’s stomach because she knows this is supposed to be sweet but Lena’s need is growing with each press of her lips.

“Kara…” Lena whines out.

Kara smiles, knowing what she is doing to the singer, but she nods anyway. Just as slowly as anything else Kara runs her tongue through Lena’s dripping folds. Lena stiffens then relaxes with a sigh, gently weaving her fingers into blonde hair that is wild from multiple orgasms and sleep. Kara laps slowly through Lena, circling her clit and starting again from Lena’s entrance. Just as Lena is about to ask for more Kara slips a finger inside. She thrusts precisely, brushing Lena’s front wall as her teeth graze her clit before soothing it again with her tongue. In a few short strokes, Lena comes with a short choked noise as the air catches in her lungs and her entire body tenses with pleasure. Kara removers her finger but continues to lick gently at her clit until Lena releases with a sigh. Lena tugs on Kara’s hair to bring her back up and kiss her lips. She moans slightly at the taste of herself still on Kara’s lips.

“Well, that is certainly one way to wake up,” Lena says and Kara nuzzles into her neck.

“You just looked so beautiful in the morning sun. I had to touch you.” Lena feels her cheeks heat and she is so glad Kara is still hiding in her neck.

“I… I don’t deserve you, Kara Danvers.” Kara rolls off of Lena and props herself on an elbow. With her free hand, she tucks hair behind Lena’s ear.

“You can’t believe that. Jess ratted you out. I know how much you donate to children’s hospitals and charities. I know the STEM and Music programs you help fund all over the United States. You are a good person and you deserve this.”

Lena turns away from Kara and looks out the window. Kara traces her jaw with her finger and Lena unconsciously leans back into Kara’s hand and meets her sky blue eyes.

“You know what I mean. I do those things to ease my guilt. I am not a good person. I have been selfish, I have taken or purchased everything I have ever wanted since I became famous.”

“What about since we met? Have you felt like that?” Lena furrows her brow in concentration as she really thinks about Kara’s question.

“No…” She says slowly.

“Lena, you have been hurt. You have been lonely. I was the same way after my parents died. I spent a couple of months in a group home. I lashed out. I got in so many fights. Then when the Danvers’ adopted me, Alex and I got in so many fights that we were never allowed in the same room alone. If I hadn’t had them though, if I hadn’t had Jeremiah enrolling me in every type of fighting class, if I hadn’t had that love, who knows where I would have ended up. I could have bounced around from home to home and school to school until I was eighteen or ran away. Ended up on the streets even. You know, I looked up a couple of people from that group home one time. Most are either in jail, drug addicts, or dead. Hurt does that to people. It causes us to lash out, to look for things to stop the hurt. It doesn't make you a bad person. What makes you a good person is those little things that you do like spending most of your money on children who will never know who changed their life.” Kara watches emotions flick across Lena’s features the whole time she talks. Lena’s eyes shine like emeralds as tears spring to her eyes.

“Kara, I...I lo-” Kara quickly presses a kiss to Lena’s lips and gets up.

“Okay, enough serious talk. Lena, I want to be with you. So no more of this ‘I don't’ deserve you,’ crap. I want to go explore… Where are we again?” The hurt and confusion that flashes across Lena’s face is replaced with a laugh and Lena stands to follow Kara to their suitcases. They had landed in the same airport and quickly made their way to the hotel last night, much to Jess’ amusement. They had dumped everything by the door as Kara quickly swept the singer into her arms.

“We are in Munich. Pity we missed Oktoberfest.” Lena smirks and Kara rolls her eyes.

“I don’t drink.”

“But seeing you in a Dirndl would have been amazing.” Lena bites her bottom lip and looks more like she is enjoying Kara without clothes than with. Kara blushes.

“I have no idea what that is but I don’t think I want to know.”

Lena laughs and begins to sift through her suitcase to look for clothes to wear.

“So what are we going to do today? Since you know so much.” Kara asks as she successfully extracts a pair of black jeans and a white pocket t-shirt from her duffle.

“I figured we could start at Marienplatz, Marien Square, and hit up a few other tourist traps and museums. I’d like to go to Viktualienmarkt for lunch and explore the booths.”

“Easy there tiger, we don’t have to do it all in one day.” Kara pulls her t-shirt over her head and is greeted with Lena’s toothy grin.

“That’s right, we have three whole days together. You are even coming to a concert.”

“And I have a surprise for you.” Kara pulls out her red and blue leather jacket and slips it on as well. Lena eyes it, trying to figure out what Kara meant.

“Go on, get dressed. But you may want to wear pants.” Kara nods to the dress in Lena’s hands and she puts it back. A knock at the door.

“I got it. You change.” Lena nods, still very confused as she finds her own jeans and green blouse. Lena pokes her head around the corner when she hears Jess’ muffled voice.

“Jess?”

“Hello, Lena. Anyway, What you requested is downstairs. The valet boy is paid to watch it until you get there. Lena, I emailed you a list of places its recommended people visit as well as where your reservations are for dinner tonight. Have fun you two.” Jess winks and Kara laughs and bids her goodbye before shutting the door.

“Ready?” Kara asks, raising an eyebrow at Lena’s half on shirt, Lena just rolls her eyes as she finishes putting her head through the hole and heads to the bathroom in an attempt to tame her clearly sex tangled hair and to cover up Kara’s eager love marks. Lena pauses slightly at that word, remembering how Kara cut her off in bed. Did Kara know what she was about to say? Lena didn’t even know until it was already on its way out of her mouth. Did Kara not feel the same? No, she clearly cared about Lena. Maybe she didn't know. Maybe she knew Lena was about to say something she wasn’t ready for. Was she ready for love? The only other time she told someone she loved them it ended in complete heartbreak. Maybe Kara was saving her from crossing a line neither of them were ready for. It also could have just been the post-orgasmic feelings.

“I can hear you thinking again,” Kara says from the bathroom door and startles Lena out of her reverie.

“Come on, you can’t be so serious the whole time I’m here.” Lena rolls her eyes.

“I am not. I am just trying to cover up what you put on my neck.” Lena shoots back and a cocky grin spreads across Kara’s face.

“You weren’t complaining when I put them there.” Lena rolls her eyes again and begins to pack away her makeup, being mostly successful with the coverage. Kara holds out her hand and Lena laces her fingers through Kara’s as she leads them out of the hotel room and to the elevator.

“Do I at least get a hint at what my surprise is?” Lena leans in to whisper in Kara’s ear, allowing her teeth to graze the lobe and Leana laughs softly as Kara audibly gulps. Luckily they were alone.

“You did. I told you to wear pants, remember?”

“I remember…” Lena says a little disappointed.

“Then you will see once we are outside.” Lena huffs her disappointment but leans further into Kara anyway to show she is not actually mad.

They cross the bustling hotel lobby, filled with tourist families readying for a day of exploring. The conversations happening all around them turn into a droning noise as languages intermingle the women’s ears. Outside, Lena looks around for… what, she doesn't know. Kara chuckles and pulls her towards the valet stand. On the other side, a pimply looking teenage boy stands with eyes filled with boredom, but Lena lights up at what she sees next to him. A motorcycle with a jacket and two helmets perched on top.

Kara was excited when she thought of this. The model was the same as the one Winn had got her, just without all the bells and whistles, it was a sleek black. Karas leather jacket was red and blue with a matching blue helmet. For Lena, Kara had asked Jess to get black with a green accent on both helmet and jacket.

“You brought your motorcycle?” Lena asks, both excited and astonished. Kara laughs.

“More like rented. And technically you rented it. I am just your driver for the day.” Kara holds up Lena’s jacket and helps her into it. When Kara hands her the helmet Lena looks nervous. Kara raises an eyebrow.

“I...I’ve never been on a motorcycle.”

“Just relax. Move with me. I know you can do that. But if you don’t want to I can have Jess rent a car.” Kara looked a little smug at her prediction that Lena would love this but concern for her overshadowed that. Lena smiles.

“Let's do this.” She fits the helmet over her head while Kara zips her own jacket and pulls her helmet on.

Kara gets on the bike and holds Lena’s hand as she straddles it as well. The way Lena settles against her feels so right. Lena feels so right. Guilt washes over Kara as she starts the engine. Lena was going to say she loved her, she knew that. But Lena didn’t know. Lena didn’t know that when Kara wasn’t with her, she was risking her life to try and save the city she loved. She was living outside the law and the new police chief had it out for her. At least this one was putting away Cadmus members also but he had decided that ‘vigilantism was making matter worse because no one should break the law, no matter their intentions.

If Lena knew than she could be in as much trouble as Winn and James if they were caught. But how could Kara not tell Lena? Kara was frozen in her indecision, so she cut off Lena’s proclamation so that the line wasn’t crossed. So there was still a line when she knew the truth if she knew the truth.

Lena’s arms tighten around Kara’s waist as she navigates through traffic, weaving in and out of cars with the practiced ease of someone who has done so with bullets flying at her at top speeds on the highway. The day flies past them as they attempt to explore as much of the city as they can. They fall back into bed, exhausted and content, after showering together. Kara wearily wraps her arms around Lena before pressing a kiss between her shoulder blades and replacing her lips with her forehead. Kara tangles their legs together too. Kara insisted on no pajamas even though they were both too tired for more activities.

“I know we spend more nights apart than together, but I don’t sleep as well as I do with you.” Kara mumbles, already half asleep.

“I know. The beds always feels too big without you.” Lena tangles her fingers in one of Kara’s hand at her waist and pulls it up to place a kiss on her knuckles before tucking both of their hands under her chin.

**

November 7th, 2017

Lena wakes to a quick knocking and then a bellhop rolling in a trolly with their breakfast before quickly leaving. She sighs and attempts to pry herself from Kara’s grip, knowing she has a full day ahead of her. All Kara does is tighten her arm around Lena’s hip and groans softly. Lena chuckles softly and then manages to turn so she is facing Kara, lips almost brushing at the proximity.

“Kara. We have to get up. Or at least I have to. I need to be at soundcheck in two hours and I have a meet and greet before the concert. And I have…”

“Shh… we have at least a half an hour before we really have to get up. You have to barely be Lena Luthor for soundcheck and then your stylist team will do the rest.” Lena laughs and the sound sends joy shooting through Kara and waking her up better than any cup of coffee. Kara smiles at the raven-haired beauty who had pulled back just far enough to look at her.

“Did you just refer to who I am as a singer as a different person?”

“Well yeah. I mean isn’t she? That's the point of the disguise right? I can see a difference in the giggling girl in my arms now and the mask you hide behind to perform. Or maybe it's just such a different part of your personality that it feels like a mask. I don’t really care though. I understand it, the person I am when I fight is different from the person I am otherwise-”

“Kara, you are rambling.” Lena cuts her off with a kiss.

“Yes, sometimes in my head it's two different people. But most of the time it's all me. Although I feel like who I am now and who I was a couple months ago are two different people.”

“Is that good or bad?” Kara asks, concern clear on her face. Lena laughs.

“Good. Very good. For the first time in a long time, I don’t dread the future, or just let life push me forward. I am starting to be truly happy and have… I guess hope. Hope that my life will one day be more than being a bastard Luthor or a famous singer.” Kara grins ear to ear at Lena’s words. Then she kisses her hard. Quickly Kara begins kissing down her neck. Lena moans.

“Kara, I have to get ready.”

“I’ll be quick.”

“You are insatiable,” Lena says even as she tangles her fingers in blonde locks and Kara finds her already bare nipple.

Heat floods Lena’s body instantly. She was just as hungry for Kara. Kara who was focused on lavishing her breasts while her slick heat pressed hard against Lena’s thigh. Kara bites the soft flesh on the underside of Lena’s breast causing a cry of pleasure to escape Lena’s throat. Lena secretly loves that Kara is a biter. It's never harsh but it mixes just the right amount of pain and pleasure. Lena scraps her nails along Kara’s back as she does it again. Kara moans deeply, sending vibrations straight to Lena’s core. Her hips begin to rock up against the blonde, seeking friction to relieve some of the pressure building there. Kara notices and adjusts to press her own thigh against Lena. They both begin to move against each other. Lena pulls Kara backup to kiss her. Their tongues meet in sloppy kisses as moans build with pleasure.

Lena can feel Kara losing her controlled movements as Kara buries her face in Lena’s neck, unable to kiss her with the strangled moans escaping her mouth. Kara is close, and Lena isn’t close enough. Frustration creeps in because she wants to cum with her. As if sensing that, Kara shifts again and two fingers find Lena’s entrance and immediately dive in, curling to find the soft sensitive spot on Lena’s front wall. “Fuck!” Lena screams as pleasure washes over her. Kara tenses above her in her own pleasure, nothing more than a clipped cry escaping to Lena’s ears.

Kara settles back onto Lena with a small twitch of post-orgasmic pleasure leaves her body with her head pillowed on Lena’s breast. Lena laughs softly as Kara nuzzles in deeper.

“I love your boobs,” Kara says causing real laughter from Lena.

“I can tell. And even if I couldn’t the hickies would give it away.” New ones now spotted both even though the ones from Kara’s last visit had just faded away. Lena was just glad Kara kept the marking to the coverable areas now. Kara grins up at Lena before lightly tracing a newly blooming bruise.

“I can’t help it. But hey, ten minutes to spare. Perfect time to cuddle before getting ready.” Lena’s arms instinctively tighten around Kara’s shoulders and lets her eyes drift shut. All too soon Kara is shifting to pull her from the bed and placing a light kiss on her lips before heading to the bathroom. Lena moves around to find appropriate clothes to wear to soundcheck when Kara re-emerges.

“So there is something I need to tell you. And something I need to ask you.” Kara crosses her arms and looks really unsure as she leans against the doorway. Immediately Lena's thoughts begin to fly, like bees in a stirred up hive. She begins to think the worse. Suddenly Kara stands straight and strides towards her.

“Oh no, it's nothing bad. Well, it may be for you, depending on how you feel. I mean-”

“Kara, stop rambling and tell me what the fuck you are trying to tell me.”

“I’m opening a gym.” Kara rushes out. After Lena takes a second to process what she said, she smiles.

“Kara, babe, that's great. Why were you so worried?”

“Because if I do this then I won't be able to come see you as much, if at all. It will be a lot of hours while I get it up and running and even more until I can get people I can trust to run it for a couple of days.”

Lena rests her hands on Kara’s upper arms because she was still so closed off and unsure. Lena tries to ignore the flash of arousal at the tight muscles coiled under the soft skin because Kara needs Lena to be understanding, not her strong suit.

“Kara. Kara look at me. I would never, never , fault you for following your dreams. I told you that I wouldn't give up my music for this relationship and I don't expect you to give up what you love either. If opening this gym is what you want to do, then do it.”

Kara’s eyes shine with emotion as she looks at Lena. Relief floods her features from the secret she had been holding back.

“Thank you,” Kara says softly.

“Now, what else did you want to tell me?” Kara bites her lip as she hesitates to respond.

“Eliza wants to meet you.” She says even quieter than before.

“Y-your foster mom?” Kara nods and Lena drops her hands from her arms and crosses them over her chest. Kara mimics the posture that Lena had just moments before and rubs Lena's arms. Her suddenly closed of position isn't a good sign.

“I have never been good with parents. I don't have much experience with them. My mom died, my new mom was cold and my dad was a mass murdering terrorist. And what if…” Lena trails off, avoiding Kara’s eyes. Kara tilts her chin up softly and places a soft kiss on Lena’s cheek.

“What if what?”

“What if I am not good enough. I know I am not but what if she thinks so too. And, oh God, what if she believes everything the press has said about me. Some of it's true, you know that, but a lot of it is fake or blown way out of proportion and…”

Kara kisses her hard then to stop her rambling.

“First, just be who you are with me and she will love you. Secondly, this whole not good enough thing really has to stop. Lena, is there something big you are hiding from me that keeps this coming up? I haven't run yet and I am not planning to.” Lena shakes her head but Kara can see tears threatening to spill out.

“If it's too much you don't have to meet her, I won't force you to.” Kara watches as Lena chews on her bottom lip, she can see gears turning behind her eyes.

“No, it's not too much. When?”

“I was thinking during your two-week break, After the tour and before you prepare for the new album. Come to Midvale for a few days. I know you will have to do some recording for the album but Jess said she can clear everything else, and the recording you can do in National City afterward. It's only like an hour by train.” Lena laughs softly.

“Of course you already talked to Jess. Do you guys text too?”

“Well yeah,” Kara says seriously and Lena’s jaw drops, she was kidding but also it shouldn't surprise her.

“Of course you do.” Lena sighs. She looks at the time and they should have left five minutes ago.

“Okay get dressed. We are already late as it is. The car should be downstairs.”

“It's not. I told you. I'm your driver this week.” Kara says with a wink before disappearing into the bathroom. A blush floods Lena's cheeks at the thought of riding behind Kara on the motorcycle cycle again. She had spent all of yesterday terribly turned on as she pressed herself to Kara’s back and felt her strong muscles moving in every turn. She gulped and turned away from the now shut the bathroom door to finish getting ready herself before slipping on the black and green jacket Kara got for her to match the helmet.

**

The entire day had been a rush. Even though Kara mostly stood off to the side and watched Lena Luthor work. Soundcheck was simple as Lena ran through a couple of songs and Kara stood off stage. In between soundcheck and Lena's style team making her over, they had an intense make-out session in the green room. Only breaking apart when Gabriel bursts in. Kara had to quickly remove her hand from under Lena’s shirt as the man tore through the room like a hurricane and was closely followed by his team. Lena was whisked away across the room and Kara was left on the couch pouting at being interrupted. Lena found it amusing at the puppy-like expression on her girlfriend's face but there was nothing to be done.

During the meet and greet Kara hung back with the rest of Lena’s entourage, trying her hardest to blend in. She could have stayed in the green room but she really wanted to watch Lena work.

The woman lit up with her fans. So many young girls and even boys coming up and just trying to get out how much she inspires them to be strong and independent in mostly broken, heavily accented, English made Kara so happy it almost hurt. Especially since Kara knew Lena hardly ever thought that way. Kara successfully was able to be ignored until she spotted a familiar faded shirt next in line. It was one of her shirts. With her face scowling out from behind gloved fists. All in red and blue with 'Maiden of Might’ in big block red and blue letters. It was one of the shirts sold right before she won the championship title. The last match of her career.

When the girl stepped up to Lena, who was standing in front of a black backdrop for pictures, the girl seemed to scan the people off to the side and found what she was looking for when her gaze alighted on Kara. She grinned and said something to Lena that Kara didn't catch. But Lena matched the girl's smile and nodded.

“Hey, Kara! It seems our fan bases do cross over each other. It seems Madison here has been following both our Instagrams and came specifically to see you.” Lena shouts to Kara and motions her closer. Kara laughs and extracts herself from the small group of people she had tried to hide in.

“Well Madison, it's nice to meet you then,” Kara says as she walks over towards them. The girl, more like young women now that Kara is closer, hold out a marker.

“Would you sign my shirt? I followed most of your career and I'm a big fan. I even got into MMA myself. It really helped with my self-confidence but I'm not good enough to go pro like you did

But a huge fan.” She glances at Lena. Of both of you.” She says in an English accent. Kara finishes signing while the girl rambles and lets out a small laugh.

“Well, how about you get a picture with both of us then?” Kara beams down out the girl before casting a questioning look to Lena and Lena nods slightly.

“Really? That would be amazing!”

Both the women pose on either side of Madison. Kara actually flexes an impressive bicep causing Lena’s public smile to slip into a genuine one when she hears the sharp intake of breath and giggling from the crowd watching the exchange. After that cameras flash in nearly every direction now that people realize that Lena Luthor’s Girlfriend is present. After a quick hug between Kara and Madison, Kara tries to fade into the background again but Lena can see people taking pictures of her, even as Kara walks further away to take a phone call. She comes back looking slightly angry but smiles when Lena glances her way and mouths a 'Later.’

As security stops the procession of fans, per Jess’ order to keep to schedule, Kara wanders back over to her girlfriend and hesitantly holds her hand out. She was unsure of how public Lena wanted to be but Lena grins and pulls her closer.

“Want to give them a real treat?”

“What do you mean?” Kara asks.

“Well, most of my fans are LGBT so getting a picture of me kissing my girlfriend would really make their day.”

Kara doesn't waste any time. She kisses Lena hard, still riled up from their make-out session in the break room. It's probably inappropriate to run her tongue along Lena's bottom lip but Kara doesn't care. Lena just meets Kara’s tongue with her own briefly before pulling away. Lena places a light peck and Kara's pouting mouth before waving to the now screaming and cheering fans and heading back into the building, pulling Kara behind her.

Immediately afterward, Lena is swept into hair and makeup again while Kara makes another call to Winn.

“Tell me everything's okay.”

“ Yes. James is back. His shoulder was dislocated and the men got away with what looks like some sort of weapon shipment.”

“It was stupid. Both of you are so stupid. Just because James came on three, three, missions with me does not mean he is ready to go out on his own.” Kara whisper yells into the speaker to avoid being overheard by stagehands bustling through the hallway.

“ Well Detective Sawyer called and insisted and James was going to go whether I helped him or not. He is as stubborn as you are. And when it went south he got out. ”

“Not fucking soon enough. No more. Tell Sawyer I'm working on something else or something next time. When I get home, James is on probation until I say otherwise.”

“So we should have just let them go.with the weapons?”

“Yes, Winn! I'm sure we have missed others too. James risking his life like that, going in alone, that was stupid.”

“ But-”

“Enough. We can argue when we are on the same continent again. Did you get the business license?”

“It's still being processed. I could rush it but I think that's a risk we shouldn't take for the business going in right above our secret base.”

“No, you're right. Okay, well, text me if it comes through. When I get back we can start looking at contractors.”

“Okay. Bye Kara. This won't happen again so please just enjoy your trip.”

“Bye Winn.”

Kara hangs up and rubs her face and tries to shake the tension from her shoulders before going back into the room. She grabs a water from the mini-fridge and smiles at Lena in her element. Lena smiles back and sticks her tongue out at her. It's so freaking cute Kara could melt. Kara plops back into the couch that they had made out on earlier and just watches her girlfriend work. Jess talks to her about things going on for the show and the schedule for the next week. But Kara tunes her out. And just watches, still mulling over what Winn had told her. He called earlier to tell her that James might be in over his head and all it did was make her angry and worried. Very worried. He had gone in on a tip from Maggie and was just going to observe and follow until a misstep got him spotted and he barely escaped with a few dents in his new Guardian armor and a dislocated shoulder from jumping from a second-story window. Also, Kara thinks, really? Guardian? That's the name he is going with.  It annoyed Kara that he wanted the full body armor. It was much less stealthy and it was no wonder he got caught. Kara's anyonce must show on her face because Lena casts her a questioning glance. All of a sudden it's no longer the soft Lena in front of her. It's Lena Luthor, the hardened diva star and it makes Kara feel a little uncomfortable. Because it's not her Lena. Kara pushes the feeling aside and smiles back at her. When her team is done she shoos them out of the room and sits beside her on the couch.

“Okay, what's wrong? You keep disappearing to make phone calls and then coming back pissed.” Lena says as she pulls both of Kara's hands into her own, rubbing soothing circles with her thumbs. Kara chews her lip. She should just tell her. She should. But then Lena will get mad so she shouldn't do that right before her performance. She didn't want to fight right now because Kara knew it would be one, Lena was already pissed when she disappeared to save James the first time. They got so little time together and telling her would just ruin it.

“It's nothing. Just some issues with getting the business license and some other stuff like that. Winn is on it but it's just frustrating is all. I'm impatient to get started on it I guess.”

“That's all?”

Kara nods, biting her tongue. Lena begins playing with Kara's fingers to distract herself from the nagging feeling that Kara just lied to her. She knew it was her own trust issues projecting themselves.

“So after the concert, there is usually a party. I haven't been going to them but I didn't know if you wanted to.  I know you don't drink or anything but there is always music and dancing and famous people.”

“That sounds great Lee, I am always down for dancing and music.”

Lena grins and kisses her quickly before a knock on the door and Jess is calling Lena to the stage. The two women walk hand and hand until they get to Lena’s entrance point. Kara watches the whole performance off stage. Lena doesn't leave the stage once, although her dancers, backup singers, and instrumentalists do a couple times. The crowd is wild throughout the whole thing and even call her back out for an encore, which Lena indulges in after a heated, adrenaline-filled kiss, with Kara.

Once Lena is off stage for good, she is practically dragging Kara back to the dressing room and locking the door. Before Kara can even say a word, Lena’s hot mouth is on hers and she is tugging Kara’s shirt over her head and pushing her towards the couch. Lena’s tongue is pushing past Kara’s lips and Kara lets it slide against her own. Kara moans at the contact and her hands find Lena’s waist. Lena bites Kara’s lower lip and it causes her to moan again. Lena unbuttons Kara’s pants, pushing them and her underwear down before gently pushing Kara onto the couch. That’s the only thing Lena plans on doing gently. Lena moves to Kara’s neck, sucking and biting then soothing with her tongue. Kara was already fighting moans when Lena’s hand begins rubbing her lower lips as well. A finger slides into Kara’s already dripping sex and brushes her clit causing a choked cry to escape.

“Fuck Lena. Fuck.” Kara manages as Lena slips a finger inside. Kara digs her nails into Lena’s back and Lena is relishing it. Relishing fucking her girlfriend in her dressing room during her post-show adrenaline high. Lena adds another finger and sets a punishing pace, her thumb brushing Kara’s clit with each thrust. Kara is no longer holding back her moans as Lena sucks at the top of her soft breast still clad in a blue lace bra. Without warning, Kara stiffens under Lena and her inner muscles clamp down on Lena’s fingers. Lena keeps moving within her girlfriend, only slowing when she relaxes back into the couch cushions and the kisses her on the corner of the mouth. Kara was still panting slightly and sweat beads her forehead. Lena collapses next to her grinning wide at how hard she made Kara cum.

“Wow, that was… hot.” Kara manages while catching her breath. Lena laughs.

“Sorry, I get a little…”

“Horney?” Kara tries to supply.

“And assertive. After a show. And this is the first time I could do something about it.”

“Well, I’d like to return the favor.” Lena shakes her head.

“No time if we are going to make it to that after-party. And-” a knock on the door. “Right on time.” Lena stands and throws Kara’s shirt to her, still halfway across the room. Kara scrambles to pull on her pants and underwear and pull her shirt back on while Lena puts her own shirt back on. She unlocks the door and Gabrielle bursts in again. Immediately he begins spouting in French as he remakes Lena into a more casual look for a party. Once she is dressed in black leather pants, a black tank-top blouse, and black heels, Gabrielle pulls Kara to her feet before she can think to protest and is holding different shirts up to her.

“What is happening?” Kara asks Lena, who is smirking from her dressing chair.

“Gabrielle is of the impression that to be seen with me you need a wardrobe upgrade for tonight.”

“Umm… yeah, girly was never my thing.” Kara says as Gabrielle holds up a skimpy dress before quickly discarding it.

After a few more minutes of careful criticizing and more protests from Kara, she is dressed in something similar to their first date with the addition of a leather jacket. Both of their hair was styled up when Gabrielle learned they would be traveling on the rented bike. The man began muttering in French and Lena chuckled as she told Kara he was cursing her choice of transportation and that he works too damn hard for the wind to ruin it. Kara laughs kisses Lena just under her jaw, teeth grazing skin in a not so innocent way that causes Gabrielle to curse again and yell at Kara not to ruin either of their makeup as he leaves. Kara laughs and pulls Lena to her feet and they begin to make their way through the hallways to the back door where Jess had their bike waiting and as soon as the door is open, lights flash, almost blinding them. Reporters call to the star and her girlfriend, trying to get answers to trivial questions. Lena stops to sign some autographs for patient fans before Kara hands her the helmet and kicks the motorcycle to life. More cameras flash as they zoom off into the night. Lena gives instructions of where to go and they pull up outside a club with music pouring out the door with flashing lights. A long line wraps around the building and out of sight. Big burly men dressed in all blackguard the door behind a velvet rope. Kara backs the bike in right out front between two cars and holds out a hand to help Lena off before dismounting herself.

When they both remove their helmets, The paparazzi make themselves known as cameras flash just as bright as before. People actually waiting begin exclaiming and pointing and pulling out their own phones. Lena grabs Kara’s hand, easily folding their fingers together, and walks right up to the burly men, they unclip the rope without question and allow the two women to pass through. Lights and noise assault Kara’s senses and she tightens her grip on Lena’s hand.

This had never been Kara’s scene. She spent her whole life training and keeping her grades up because the Danvers would not let her fight if her grades suffered. So she stuck to curfew and stayed on the honor roll. After high school her schedule and diet were strict. She had champaign, once, when she was eighteen and Eliza allowed her a glass on New Year’s. Ever since the accident she hadn’t touched the stuff. Alex, of course, had gone the other way, nearly drinking herself out of a job before getting help as she mourned her father’s death. But she still drinks socially. Now, entering the club, she was assaulted with people in various stages of drunkenness, bodies pressed together, strobing lights, and throbbing bass. Lena notices Kara’s stiffness and pulls her closer to practically yell in her ear.

“Are you okay? We can leave and go to the hotel room. Maybe finish what we started earlier?” Kara closes her eyes and shivers at Lena’s hot breath on her neck and suggestive words. It was tempting, but Kara wanted to see all of Lena’s life.

“I’m fine. Just a lot to take in.” Kara shouts back. Lena still looks concerned but Kara rolls her eyes and kisses her, trying to convince her that her words were true. Lena accepts the kiss eagerly and then pulls Kara through the crowd. Lena cuts a path to stairs guarded by more burly men who don’t even glance at them. Upstairs, the music is less oppressive and they can look over the crowd on the main dance floor. Big booths rim the room along with a long bar with colorfully lit up shelves of alcohol. The dance floor changes color beneath the writhing bodies as the DJ oversees the music on a platform above them. The upstairs has smaller booths that have walls separating them for privacy. The bar is smaller but it will easily serve the needs of what Kara can assume are the VIP’s being catered to up here.

“Lena Luthor. About time you came to one of my clubs. I have only been inviting you ever since I found out you were on this side of the Atlantic.” The smooth seductive voice drips with smugness and Kara turns away from the sight below her to take in the tattooed woman in a red dress now standing in front of them.

“Veronica. Yes I thought it was time, besides my girlfriend is in town and I wanted to show her off.” Lena tightly wraps an arm around Kara and Kara instinctively puts an arm around her shoulders. She remembers what Lena told her, how Veronica was the first to break Lena's heart and used her. Kara wasn't jealous, but the need to protect Lena curled in her chest at Veronica's predator-like aurora. Veronica doesn't even spare Kara a glance.

“Oh yes, I've heard about the ex-boxer you were dating. Pictures all over the internet...”

“Mixed Martial Arts.” Kara interrupts whatever the woman was going to say next. Finally, the lithe woman turns to face Kara. Kara suppresses a shiver at her cold, attractive eyes.

“Beg pardon. Sports were never my strong suit. I'm afraid we haven't been properly introduced. I am Veronica Sinclair.” The women gracefully holds out a hand. Kara takes it after a moment's hesitation.

“I know. Kara Danvers.” Kara quickly releases her hand, ice in her voice that she tries to hide.

“Ah,” Veronica’s eyes flick to Lena’s, knowing that Kara knows at least some of their history.

“Well please enjoy yourselves. Tonight is on me, to celebrate an old friend’s success. Let any of my staff know if you need anything.”

Veronica walks away then and Kara separates to distance herself from Lena. Undefined emotions rolled in her stomach; anger, jealousy, hurt, uncertainty.  Kara turns back to the railing and watched the people below her. Lena gently approaches her again.

“I'm sorry. She owns like fifty clubs and casinos all over the world. I didn't realize she would be here. Her assistant and Jess were the ones planning the party.” Lena says just loud enough to be heard.

“I just… I don't like how she looked at you. And then knowing everything she did to you. And God, why did Jess agree to use her club then?” Frustration cresses Kara's brow and Lena tentatively reaches out, allowing Kara time to pull away, and grabs her hand.

“I should have at least warned you. But most of the A-list won't go anywhere else but a Sinclair Club. Do you want to go?”

“No. I want to dance with you.” Kara grins at Lena and jerks her head to the dance floor below them. Lena nods and Kara pulls her back down the stairs.

Kara weaves her way into the crowd until they are well in the middle of the strobing dance floor, people brush them on all sides but Lena presses into Kara. Almost every point that can touch, does. Lena throws her arms around Kara’s neck and pulls her close, swaying her hips against  Kara’s. Damn, Lena knows how to move. Kara was always a good dancer, she did show choir in high school and fighting meant she had to be light on her feet, but Lena, Lena was moving like seductrice and left little for Kara to imagine. After several songs, they escaped the crowd back to the upstairs bar. Kara got water while Lena got a whiskey on the rocks. She was just getting one because she was already very drunk on Kara, and horny.

For now, though, this was a party for her. Lena guides Kara from one group of people to the next. Each was filled with stars of various levels of famous but Kara was too distracted by Lena’s seemingly casual touches that sent fire through her body. Kara couldn’t take it anymore. When Lena set her empty glass on the bar and flagged down the bartender for another, Kara pinned her against it, molding herself to Lena’s back. Kara bent down to nibble on Lena’s earlobe, smirking at the sharp intake of breath she feels Lena take.

“Wanna get out of here?” Kara whispers into Lena’s neck, brushing her teeth along the soft pale skin.  A shiver runs through Lena and she turns in the strong arms holding her.

“Miss Danvers, are you trying to get in my pants?”

“Always. The way you moved on that dance floor, the way you keep teasing me, god, it has taken all my willpower not to fuck you right here against the bar.” Lena’s breathing picks up at Kara’s words. The bartender tries to hand Lena a full glass but she waves him off.

“Take me back to the hotel room.” Lena barely manages to get out in a shaky voice.

Kara eagerly makes her way through the loud and crowded club. She muscles a path for them through the ever-changing bodies, only pausing for a second for the outside guards to let them through. Kara picked up the helmets on the bike seat and hands one to Lena. Before Lena can put it on Kara pulls her into a deep kiss. It surprises Lena briefly but then she leans into it. Cameras flash, reporters call out, but the couple ignores them all. Kara pulls away and puts her helmet on, Lena does the same and climbs on the bike behind Kara, purposefully sliding a hand under her jacket while Kara navigates into traffic and then under her shirt to brush over the skin on Kara’s abs. Lena feels Kara’s breathing pick up, and then the speed of the bike.

Kara quickly hands the keys and their helmets to the sleepy looking valet and pulls Lena with her to the elevator. Once inside the empty lift, Kara pins Lena to the wall, hands immediately finding hips. Lips and teeth meeting in her pent up sexual tension. Kara pops the button on Lena’s pants and Lena catches her wrists.

“What are you doing?”

“Seeing how fast I can make you come. Think I can do it before the top floor?”

Heat spikes through Lena at the thought. Of Kara racing the clock and the goal to make Lena scream with pleasure. Lena releases her hands just to plunge them into golden hair, pulling it from the ponytail it was in. Kara is vicious in her pursuit. Diving straight into Lena’s underwear and into the slick heat that had been building all night. Lena was already on edge from the concert and dancing and the whiskey didn’t help either. Before ten floors past, she could feel pleasure coiling in her gut and Kara palmed her breast under her shirt and relentlessly attacked her neck. Suddenly, Kara Swoops up one of Lena’s legs and hooks it around her waist. Kara teases Lena’s entrance for just a moment before she feels Lena eagerly clench and dives a finger in, then two. This time was not about teasing. It was a race to make Lena cum. Kara hooks her fingers, searching and successfully finding the small rough patch and Lena cries out. Kara adds her thumb to Lena’s clit and reattaches her lips to her neck. Lena leans back and swings her other leg around Kara while one of Kara’s hands grabs her ass. Kara’s fingers hit deeper at the new angle and pleasure radiates through Lena’s whole body. It hits her like a tidal wave of pent-up energy and she screams Kara’s name. Her inner walls contract around Kara but she keeps moving, extending her orgasm until a soft ding and Lena opens her eyes, relieved to see an empty hallway between them and her door.

Kara slowly pulls her fingers out and puts her now freed hand under Lena’s other leg and begins to walk the hallway without putting her down. Lena whispers her room number in a hoarse voice. Kara nods and can’t manage to keep the smug grin off her face, knowing that hoarseness is from screaming Kara’s name. And knowing it wouldn’t be the first time tonight.

**

November  8th, 2017

Kara woke before Lena the next morning. Almost afternoon by the light pouring through the window. Kara just watched her breath while she lay on her side on an elbow. Lena looked so soft in the sunlight, on the white hotel sheets. Kara wanted this, wanted her. She knew she had to tell Lena. After all, Lena had let Kara in. Guilt still racked Kara, even in this beautiful moment. Lena blinked slowly and green eyes met blue. Lena smiled and Kara tried to match it. Lena noticed the hesitation and her brow furrowed.

“Kara? What’s wrong?” Lena props herself up on an elbow to match Kara, Kara reaches out and tucks a hair behind Lena’s ear and then cups her cheek. Lena Sighs and Leans into the touch.

“I...I have something I need to tell you. About me. But I…” Kara trailed off, feeling very unsure about this now that she was actually saying it out loud. Lena sits up fully, her legs tucked under her while the sheet falls away.

“Kara? What is it? Is it about us?” Kara can see the panic in Lena’s eyes and she sits up as well, grabbing her hands.

“God, no. Just me, but I don’t know how you would feel about it. Actually, I don’t think you would like it. But I think it would be better if I showed you because then you could see everything I have done. And how much it means to me. It means almost as much as you do so I hope you like it but it would just be better if-” Lena Kisses Kara to stop her rambling. It works.

“Okay. Then, after I visit with you and Eliza, you can tell me or show me or whatever. If this really means that much to you then I am sure I will like it.” Kara makes a face at that.

“Kara seriously. I now know that there is something you need to tell me. You aren’t lying. You have told me when you will tell me. Now, can we get back to the post-sex marathon bliss and just lie in this bed until my stomach growls.”

Kara smiles and nods, leaning back and holding her arms open for Lena to settle into. Lena tucks her head under Kara’s chin and wraps her arm around Kara’s waist while sliding one of her legs in between Kara’s. Lena lets out a deep breath and then she closes her eyes and feels Kara’s breathing even out as well. They stayed that way until around one when Kara was ‘starving’ and absolutely had to go get food. They headed out for the day and managed to avoid most cameras as they explored the city. The fourth day dawned too early with Jess bursting into Lena’s hotel room and both women scrambling to cover themselves while they listened to Lena’s itinerary which included dropping Kara off at the airport. But first, they took a shower.

Kara carefully worked the suds into Lena’s hair as Lena washed her own body. As Lena rinsed her hair, Kara greedily took the washcloth from her and began trailing it over Lena’s already clean torso, then trails her hands behind Lena and down to her ass, her beautiful, firm, ass.

“Careful Kara, don’t want you to start something you don’t intend to finish.”

“Oh, I intend to finish.”

Kara spun Lena so that the cool tiles cause Lena to gasp as she is pressed against them. Kara pins both Lena’s hands next to her head and kisses her deeply. Heat floods Lena’s body that is much different from the cascading water. Kara slides a leg between Lena’s thighs and presses up. Kara swallows Lena’s moan before moving down her jaw and to Lena’s pulse point. Kara sucks, hard.

“Kara…” Lena groans out a protest.

“I want to leave you something to remember me by,” Kara mumbles before biting down just hard enough to leave a mark and then soothing it with her tongue. Lena moans at the teeth scraping her skin and bucks against Kara’s thigh.

Kara releases both of Lena’s hands. One grabs her ass while the other snakes between their bodies. As Kara brushes past Lena’s clit, she bucks into Kara’s hand. Kara gently circles her entrance before plunging into her. Lena’s cry gets stuck in her throat and she pulls Kara’s head tighter to her neck and Kara switches sides mark the other side while thrusting in and out of Lena. Her cries were echoing off every surface of the bathroom and filling Kara’s ears. Kara adds another finger as she follows the curve of Lena’s neck, down her clavicle, and to the soft bouncing flesh of her full breast. She pulls a hardened nipple into her mouth and Lena gasps and throws a leg over Kara’s hip. Kara moans at feeling how deep she was in Lena’s hot, wet, heat. Kara begins rocking into her girlfriend and uses her own leg to leverage her fingers deeper and harder. Kara can feel Lena shaking, Kara pulls her closer just in time to pin her harder to the wall before she could fall. Lena pulls Kara up to kiss her briefly before her mouth falls open in a silent scream as Lena squeezes her fingers hard. Kara stills and buries her face in Lena’s shoulder and tries to control her own breathing as she focuses on not rocking into her still recovering girlfriend.

Laughter bubbles up from Lena in her post-orgasm bliss. Kara slowly removes her fingers and Lena grunts another moan. Lena misses her finger’s already. Lena takes a deep breath before kissing Kara. She moves kara to the back wall of the shower, out of the stream of water. The whole bathroom had filled with steam as the hot water continued to run, heating the whole room. Kara’s back hits the wall and Lena enthusiastically begins kissing down Kara’s body. She knows they are running out of time before Jess will burst in with her extra key to hurry them along. Lena kisses each breast before continuing down. Each open-mouthed kiss sending more shivers through Kara. Watching Lena come undone put her on edge, it always puts her on edge. Lena kisses her navel, tongue poking into her belly button and causing Kara to moan and her hips to jut forward. Lena smiles and continues on her path, slowly lowering herself to her knees.

Lips brush soft blonde hair and Lena can feel the heat pouring out of Kara. Lena grips Kara’s hips and her tongue parts Kara’s slit and hits her swollen clit. Kara cries out and pulls Lena in closer by her hair. Lena happily obliges and begins eating Kara out with a gusto. Licking, sucking, grazing teeth.

“I’m so close Lee, oh God, I’m gonna… gonna… ugh.” Kara comes, hot and wet, over Lena’s chin. Lena pulls back then places a soft kiss on Kara’s mound before standing and kissing her girlfriend on the lips. Kara makes a low noise in her throat at the taste of herself on Lena’s lips.

“Nuh-uh. Jess will be back very soon. We have to actually finish showering and pack.” Kara groans in a much less sexual way before gently pushing Lena’s hair back and smirking, admiring her handy work. Bruises were already starting to form, red and blotchy with dark purple spotting the surface. It would take days, if not weeks to go away.

“You didn’t,” Lena says, looking at Kara skeptically.

“I did. I think it's safe to say Gabrielle will officially hate me.” Lena groans and thumps her head down on Kara’s shoulder. Kara laughs and wraps her arms around Lena before turning off the shower.

**

November 9th, 2017

Of course, when Kara returns to National City, newsstands are plastered with various rumor magazines with pictures of her and Lena. Some from her meet and greet, more of them getting on the motorcycle to and from the party, and some of them saying goodbye at the airport. Despite Lena’s best efforts, Kara can still make out a slight purplish patch on the side of Lena’s neck, which was zoomed in on one of the magazines. That made her smile when she was walking to get coffee during a break from painting the future welcome desk for her gym. Her gym. She was so excited for this. She never realized that this was something she wanted to do until she had the ability to do it. Sure she had fleeting thoughts about it because who wouldn’t when that’s where you spend most of your life. Now she was going to have something that's hers. Something permanent. There were two more floors that her and Winn were thinking of turning into apartments or something to rent out when they had the money. Winn had co-signed the lease and the loan. He was her partner for everything. Winn was the best. Kara didn’t ask too many questions about how he was getting all the money but he made it pretty clear that it was mostly legal.

‘The Power Factory’ would be up and running soon, hopefully. It would be hard, and she most likely would only be able to see Lena a few more times until the tour was over and they went to visit Eliza. A bubbly happy feeling started in Kara’s chest at that. Lena was willing to meet her foster mom, that was such a big step. Kara could not have been happier.

[jennycalendar]

regarding honor and honesty in the workplace (35/43)

read it on ao3!

slow burn is over; expect some Quality domestic fluff :’)

from the personal files of Jenny Calendar:

It is 12:51 in the morning, and Rupert and I are once again working on a case.

“The part I don’t get,” said Jenny through a mouthful of Cheetos, swallowing when Rupert looked a bit confused by her muffled words, “the part I don’t get is why Cordelia hasn’t vanished off the face of the earth along with Wesley and Angel. Like, Lilah’s really goddamn good at covering her tracks—she was already planning to shoot me in an alley. It isn’t Wolfram and Hart’s MO to leave loose ends unless they’re planning on following up later.”

“Cordelia did something rather clever,” said Rupert, smiling slightly and placing a piece of paper down on the kitchen table. Jenny picked it up, taking a good look at it, and saw that it was a printout of an Instagram post—the picture showing Cordelia, all decked out and smiling beatifically at the camera. She was wearing the dark green dress she’d worn the night of the gala. “She returned to Instagram with a post about how she’d taken some unexpected offline time to begin preparing a—um—vlog?”

“Video blog,” said Jenny. “Or video log, depending.”

“Thank you for a very needed translation, dear,” said Rupert, squeezing Jenny’s shoulder as, leaning on his walking stick, he crossed the kitchen to reach above the sink and awkwardly take the kettle from a cabinet. “At any rate, Cordelia made her presence known online again with promises of a daily vlog, which meant that her disappearance might legitimately spark a buzz of online gossip. As our daughters noted, her online following is quite sizable.”

“God, that girl really is smart,” said Jenny, impressed.

“It was a failsafe in the event of a Wolfram and Hart emergency,” Rupert explained, his smile flickering, “but she knows it’s something of a double-edged sword. As long as she’s posting, Wolfram and Hart can keep consistent tabs on what she’s doing and the people she’s visiting.”

“Okay,” said Jenny. “I see the problem. How are we supposed to get to Cordelia and start making plans?”

“This is the part I don’t think you’ll like,” said Rupert.

“What?”

“You haven’t asked me yet why Buffy was acting so oddly a few days ago,” said Rupert somewhat uncomfortably, turning on the sink to fill the kettle. “I feel as though that should be a question you should begin considering.”

Jenny blinked, and then took another look at Rupert. “No,” she said. “Rupert, you didn’t.”

“Jenny—”

“You had our daughter go and meet Cordelia?”

“In my defense—”

“There is literally nothing you can say that will make putting our daughter in actual mortal danger sound like a good choice!”

“All right, now that’s a blanket statement,” said Rupert, irritation added to the guilt in his tone. He placed the now-full kettle down on the stovetop, turning the burner on. “Might I get a sentence out, or do you have more that you would like to add?”

“Only that I don’t think it’s something Buffy should be involved in under any circumstances,” said Jenny archly.

“Have you possibly entertained the notion that I completely agree?” Rupert pointed out.

“Would Buffy have gone to meet Cordelia if you completely agreed?”

“Yes, she would have,” said Rupert shortly, “because Buffy went without my permission.”

Jenny felt her anger dissipate and she winced a little. “Oh,” she said. “I’m sorry. I just—” She waved a hand, then said, “I-I worry about you and the kids.”

Rupert’s face softened as the kettle went off. Turning off the burner, he reached for his walking stick, awkwardly crossing the kitchen to lean down and give Jenny a very soft kiss. They were both smiling a little nervously when he pulled away. “I’m well aware,” he said, “though it surprises me that you’re still willing to work this rather dangerous case with me.”

“Yeah, well,” said Jenny. “Hate to admit it, but you make a few damn good points about my not wanting to live my life with Lilah looking over my shoulder.” She reached up, tracing his jawline with a fingertip. “Not to mention that you’d probably just do this case anyway no matter how hard I try to talk you out of it.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Rupert agreed, and kissed her forehead before pulling back all the way, moving across the kitchen to begin setting up the tea.

“So tell me about what happened with Buffy.”

“Well,” said Rupert, “as you know, our daughters all have a knack for figuring us out both aptly and quickly.”

“Yeah, I’m still mad at them for not telling me outright that you’ve been in love with me since the Jurassic era,” said Jenny, mouth twitching.

“Proterozoic, actually,” said Rupert with dignity, which made Jenny bite her lip and smile at the kitchen table. “And the point that I am trying to make is that the girls quite easily figured out what I was doing. Faith wasn’t at all fond of the idea of keeping things from you, but did accept that it was my decision to make in the long run—”

“So that’s why she was mad at you,” said Jenny. “You know you can’t get the girls to keep things from me again, right?”

“Extenuating circumstances—”

“Swear to god, Rupert, I will break up with you right now if you say you’ll ever get the girls to keep things from me that might put this family in danger,” said Jenny mildly, wishing she had a mug of tea to raise to her lips in a dramatic yet powerful gesture.

Rupert smiled wryly and nodded. “Goes both ways,” he said.

“Obviously,” Jenny agreed.

“At any rate,” said Rupert, “Buffy was quite determined to help out in any way she could. She pieced together quite quickly that Cordelia would be a useful asset, left the house under the guise of getting milk, and met Cordelia at a coffee shop to ‘catch up on old times.’ She’s having lunch with Willow and Cordelia at Cordelia’s apartment in a few days, and she says they’ll be using that time to discuss possible strategies for locating Angel and his team.”

“Wait,” said Jenny. “Buffy knows about Angel?”

Rupert’s hand shook as he poured out the tea. “It was a rather emotional conversation,” he said, “but yes. She knows Angel���s back in town, and she says she’s dealing with it as best she can.”

Jenny smiled. “I’m glad she’s got some healthy coping mechanisms up her sleeve,” she said. Then, “She’s going to be in so much trouble for not telling me about seeing Cordelia.”

“I told her as much,” said Rupert. “She said getting lectured by you would be worth it if she knew she’d be able to help take down the people who got me shot.”

Jenny felt her smile flutter a bit. “Oh,” she said. “You know what? Maybe—we should talk to the girls, see if they can help.”

“Jenny,”said Rupert, reproving and a bit horrified.

“Hey,” said Jenny. “You had the good fortune of not having to be the one there while the girls watched a parent bleed out. I know for a fact that taking Wolfram and Hart down would make me feel a hell of a lot better about all the shit they put us through. I’m pretty sure Buffy’s got the same outlook, and I think she deserves to be a part of whatever justice we serve. Faith and Dawn too, as a matter of fact.”

“This is our job,” said Rupert. “Not theirs.”

“You know they’re just gonna go ahead and do it with or without us,” Jenny countered. “Just like you did when I told you I didn’t want you working this case. Why not make sure they’re helping in a way that isn’t going to end up with them getting killed?”

Rupert placed a mug of tea down in front of her, studying her with a grudging adoration. “You are intolerably, frustratingly right,” he said.

“Aww. I love you too.” Jenny took the mug, taking a long sip, then said, “Needs more sugar.”

“I am injured,” said Rupert, “and suffering, get your own bloody sugar,” and sat down next to her at the kitchen table with his own mug.

“Okay,” Jenny whispered, and kissed him.

Jenny and Rupert ended up falling asleep on the couch watching early-morning sitcoms, and woke up when the sun started shining through the curtains. Groaning, Jenny buried her face in Rupert’s pajama shirt, mumbling vaguely and wondering if she could manage a few more minutes of sleep at least.

“I’ll make breakfast,” said Rupert wearily.

“Ugh,” said Jenny, “no, you’re—you still need rest, I can make breakfast—”

“As it happens,” said Buffy, “us kids can very happily solve this problem for the both of you.”

Jenny looked up, surprised and still a little sleepy, and saw that the girls were all standing with a sizable breakfast tray, complete with slightly sloppy pancakes, two champagne glasses of orange juice, and a fruit salad. “We tried to make the pancakes heart-shaped,” said Buffy a little apologetically, “you know, to celebrate you guys being in love and stuff? But turns out Dad’s the only one who can really pull it off.”

“Do I have to start calling Giles my dad now?” Faith asked, smirking.

“I’m calling Jenny my evil stepmother,” said Dawn with satisfaction. “I always wanted an evil stepmother when I was little.”

Gently disentangling herself from Rupert, Jenny pulled herself up to cross the living room and carefully hug each of the girls, making sure not to jostle the tray in the process. She lingered on Buffy, because she knew for a fact that 1) making a lavish congratulations-breakfast wasn’t Dawn’s style, and 2) Faith tended to express her appreciation by just flat-out telling people she was happy for them. “Thanks,” she said softly. After a moment of deliberation, she added, “You know, your dad told me about your meeting with Cordelia.”

Buffy visibly steeled herself. “Yeah?”

“I definitely don’t like the idea of my kid being involved in this line of work,” said Jenny carefully, “but I also think that forbidding you from it is just going to make you more determined to do it. If you want to meet Cordelia, we’re okay with it, but we have to go over the finer points of collecting information.”

“Oh,” said Buffy, looking surprised.

“What?”

“I was honestly kinda expecting you to chew me out,” said Buffy a little sheepishly. “Dad was furious.”

“Rightfully so,” said Rupert blearily, and pulled the knitted throw around himself, snuggling further into the couch.

“Well, what you did definitely wasn’t wise,” Jenny agreed, “but you’re legally an adult now, and I feel as though trying to protect you by keeping you uninformed about case work is only going to lead to you being placed in progressively more dangerous situations if this is a path you decide you want to pursue.”

“What about us?” Dawn piped up.

“Yeah, I’m pretty close to being a legal adult,” Faith added hopefully.

Jenny considered this, then glanced over at Rupert, who was now sitting up and looking at the girls with a slightly more alert expression. “Penny for your thoughts, sweetheart?” she asked.

Rupert smiled a little at the endearment. “Only that I very much agree with you inasmuch as keeping the girls up to date,” he said, “but also that Dawn isn’t yet in high school and I definitely don’t want her involved in this at the same capacity as Buffy.”

Dawn scowled.

“Hold that frown, Dawn, that doesn’t mean we’re not taking you seriously,” said Jenny patiently. “Buffy’s also been taking weekly self-defense classes for the last two years. She can hold her own better than your dad can, in my humble opinion—”

“Thanks ever so much, Jenny—”

“Shut up, I’m making a point.” Jenny skirted the coffee table to sit down next to Rupert, kissing him on the cheek and letting him lie back down with his head in her lap. The girls looked positively thrilled with this development. “Dawn, would you be okay with helping your dad compile and organize hard copies of our information? Not to mention we need someone who actually knows how to use a computer—”

“I know how to use your laptop,” said Rupert, his voice softening and slowing as Jenny idly ran a hand through his hair, “you’re so—hmm—dramatic—”

“What about me?” Faith persisted. “I’m not down for sitting still.”

Jenny considered this, then said, “You and I are going to start coming up with a game plan as to how we’re going to use the info we get from Cordelia. It’s behind-the-scenes work—”

“—but if your mother’s in charge of it, we know it’s the most important work there is,” Rupert mumbled, and smiled slightly when Jenny brushed her fingers against his cheek.