#conceived of this over breakfast and sat down and did not stop til this was done so

[flamingostalker]

I'm Your Man

[ofstarsandvibranium]

Say You Won’t Let Go

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Based off of James Arthur’s song “Say You Won’t Let Go”.

A/N: This song gave me huge Bucky feels when I first listened to it. So here you go. Also, this is pretty lengthy, so bear with me.

Warning: mentions of depression

Your best friend, Bucky, well…he was in a dark place. Now that’s not uncommon for college students. Statistics show that it’s very common for young adults ranging from 18 to 25 to fall into a depression. Bucky was one of those young adults. 

He felt like he wasn’t good enough. He was struggling to get by, academically and financially. He started to lack motivation in going to classes and getting out of bed. He just wanted to sleep the days away. 

But you were having none of it. During some of his darkest days, you were there to light him up. Although it didn’t really make the depression go away, it made him forget the pain with the constant temporary moments of happiness.

You came bursting into his apartment, “Luuuucyyy, I’m hoooome!” You announced. You dropped your bag and keys onto a nearby table and listened for any sign of Bucky. He was probably in his room. So you briskly walked over there and cautiously opened the door. Bucky was sprawled out on his bed staring at the ceiling. You ran over to him and plopped your entire being onto his stomach.

“Oomf! Whyyyy?” Bucky whined.

“Happy birthday, you dork.”

Bucky sighed and mumbled, “Thanks.”

You climbed off him and made your way to his closet looking through his clothes, “Let’s get you dressed. I have plans for you.”

Bucky groaned, “Can’t we just stay here and watch tv or something?”

You scoffed, “Psh. No. We’re going out.” You picked out a white t-shirt, black jeans, and Bucky’s favorite black leather jacket. You threw them at him, “Get ready. We’re leaving in ten.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

You ended up bringing Bucky to Steve’s apartment where you and he had planned Bucky's surprise party. When everyone jumped out, Bucky’s eyes lit up and a genuine smile appeared on his face. 

Bucky looked to you with shining eyes, “You did this?”

You nodded, “Yeah, well, and Steve too. No one should spend their birthday alone. It should be with people that care about you. And Bucky, all these people do care about you.”

Bucky pulled you into his arms and whispered a ‘Thank you’ into your ear.

Bucky helped bring in your drunk form into your apartment. He was drunk, but not as drunk as you. You were giggling and staggering, “Hehehe. Did you *hiccup* have fun Buckaroo?”

Bucky softly laughed, “Yeah, but not as fun as you did. I should’ve kept an eye on you.”

You drunkenly waved him off, “Psh. I’m fine and dandy like cotton candy, Mandy.”

“Let’s get you to the bathroom.” As soon as you entered the room, you went head first to the toilet hurling your guts out. Bucky sighed grabbing your hair and pulling it back so it’s not in the way. He gave you soothing rubs on your back. Once you were done, you wiped your mouth with toilet paper. You looked over your shoulder, smiling at Bucky.

“Thank you.”

For some reason, Bucky suddenly felt completely sober. He smiled back at you, “You’re welcome.” He helped you stand and handed you the mouth wash, “Go ahead and brush your teeth. I’ll be back.” He left you to go to your kitchen to get a glass of water and some aspirin. He set the two on your bedside table and sat on your bed waiting for you. 

You came out of the bathroom with your face clear of makeup, teeth brushed, and you had a tired look in your eyes. You undressed yourself not caring that Bucky was there and threw on an old t-shirt. You slid into bed and gave a hum of content.

Bucky kissed you on the head, “Go ahead and rest.” He stood to leave, but you caught his arm.

“Can you stay over?”

Without hesitation, Bucky said, “Of course.” He discarded his leather jacket and shoes, and slid into bed with you. You scoot closer resting your head against his chest and slinging an arm over his stomach. 

“Thank you.” You mumbled.

Bucky gave you another kiss on the head, “Get some rest, sweetheart.” You listened to Bucky’s heartbeat lulling you to sleep. 

Bucky stayed awake a little longer waiting for your breathing to even out. He gave a long deep sigh. He loved you. He appreciated you. He adored you. But you’d never know, because he acted so cool about it. In reality, he was scared of somehow losing you and letting you go. 

Bucky knew he needed you, desperately, but he never showed it. He knew that he wanted you by his side ‘til both of you were grey and old.

10 Years Later

“Baby. Baby, wake up.” You heard a voice bring you out from your sleep.

“Hm?” You ungracefully turned in bed from your stomach to your back. Your hair was in your face. You rubbed your eyes and sat up. 

Bucky stood at the edge of the bed carrying a tray of breakfast. He gave you a shy smile whilst setting the tray on your lap, “The queen’s feast.”

You gave him a tired smile, “Thank you.” 

Bucky left quickly and came back with a cup of coffee. He handed it to you and kissed your head, “I’ll be back. Gotta bring Stephanie and Becca to school.”

You nodded and bit into your toast.

“Come on, girls!” The two little girls grabbed their backpacks and ran out the door to car. 

They buckled themselves in. 6 year old Stephanie, with her brunette pigtails and blue eyes sat excitedly on her booster chair, “Daddy! It’s show and tell today!”

Bucky helped 5 year old Becca, with her Y/H/C and Y/E/C, into her carseat, “Oh yeah? Whatcha bringing?”

“The picture of us when we went to Disneyland!”

“Disneyland!” Becca exclaimed. Bucky finished up and hopped into the driver’s seat. He drove the couple blocks to the elementary school dropping them off at the drop-off. 

“Bye Daddy!” his little girls shouted. 

“Bye babies!” He yelled back waving them good-bye. Bucky always felt his heart skip a beat whenever he brought his girls to school. He felt so thankful of the nights he spent with you conceiving them. Bringing the loves of his life into existence.

Bucky came home and you were in the living room on the couch checking your emails on your phone. When you heard the door shut, you looked over your shoulder and gave Bucky that heart-stopping smile. 

For a minute, Bucky forgot he was older and he felt like he was a college student again. You gave him that feeling of when he first realized he loved you. 

“Doll, can you stand up for me real quick?”

You gave him a confused look, “Sure, but why?”

“I just-I wanna dance with you right now.”

You giggled, “All you had to do was say so.”

You made your way to him and slipped your arms around his neck. His hands resting on your waist. You two danced to nothing but the music in your heads looking lovingly in each other’s eyes.

“You’re as beautiful as ever.” Bucky whispered.

You rolled your eyes, “Don’t flatter me, James.”

Bucky laughed, “It’s true. It’s like every day you get better. And you make me feel this sort of way somehow.” He brought a hand to your cheek and gently caressed it, “I’m so in love with you. I hope you know that. Your love is worth more than all the gold in the world. We’ve come so far from college to now. We’ve grown so much and I can’t wait to grow more with you until we’re grey and old.”

“Bucky-” He leaned down and captured you with his lips. Both of your hearts soaring. “I love you so much,” you mumbled against his lips.

60 Years Later

Both of you have lived long and happy lives. Still even as old and wrinkly as you two were, you still found each other to be as beautiful and handsome as ever. But both of your guy’s health was wavering. 

“Doll,” Bucky breathed out as he laid next to you in bed, “I still wanna be with you even when we’re ghosts. Cause when I needed you the most, you were there for me.”

“Bucky-”

“I’m gonna love you still my lungs give out or my heart stops. ‘Til death do us part, remember?”

You looked at him, fear in your eyes, “Don’t go. Not yet.”

Bucky felt his heart beat becoming slower and slower, “I’ll be waiting for you. Just say you won’t let go.”

“I won’t let go. But Bucky, James, please. Don't-not yet.” You held onto Bucky’s hand tightly.

“Gimme one last kiss.” You scoot closer giving Bucky his final kiss, sobbing into his lips. Bucky gave you one last smile, “I love you, doll.” His grasp became limp in your hand.

Later in the morning, your daughters found you and Bucky in bed. Both passed away, but still holding each other’s hands. You promised you wouldn’t let go. And you didn’t.

[wonderlust-and-mild-anxiety]

Life Story- a recap of the last 21 years and counting

I was born at 4:52 AM on a rainy Sunday morning on September 28, 1997 to a nineteen and twenty-three year old couple. I was the first born, a brother would follow almost three years later. My childhood consisted mainly of a plethora of cousins, my father rarely being around, and my mother trying to handle raising two children while still being a child herself.

When I was in third grade my family dropped a bombshell- my mother was getting a job as a custodian in the neighboring town, not far enough to move but for convenience I had to change schools. In Mrs. Sherry’s fourth grade class I was deemed weird and lower-class because my mother cleaned up after my peers as a job.

That was also the year that I met Cory, Jonathan, Brady, and Colton Baird- my mother’s best friend’s children. With Brady being the only girl even similar to my age we instantly clicked. Our afternoons consisted of us discussing boys, Brady’s horses, and my crush on her brother Cory whom I had “dated” on and off til I left the school.

Summers were mucking stalls, hauling hay, and mending fences on their farm. Summer nights were long horse shows watching my best friend’s win trophy after trophy. It was a city kid’s dream. I loved it because it gave me a chance to spend time with my best friends, they loved it because it was four more hands (including my brother’s) and they generally thought of me as one of the family. I rode horses eventually, but I enjoyed the identity that farm work gave me and the ache of my muscles after a good day’s work.

I knew about this guy Lee through Cory and his girlfriend and my friend Kaitlyn. I didn’t realize until much later that I would have wished that we never crossed paths. It started because Lee didn’t want to ride the bus anymore and Cory had asked my mom as a favor for him. She said yes, soon we’d wish she hadn’t.

In the beginning it was fun. I developed a crush on him so to me it was a blast when she would drive us down back roads in her mini-van, when she’d take us to the mall on the weekends, when she would let us all pick up breakfast at the local Marathon that sat a quarter mile from the school. When my mom and I would get our nails done every week, Lee was there making all of us laugh.

It wasn’t until we stopped having money for food that I started to sense something was wrong. Lee was getting new clothes, going out with Mom without me or my brother. Dad started calling her, she wouldn’t pick up and would make excuses. I started to distance myself from Lee. He was fifteen at this point and I was only twelve. Mom insisted that he liked me and that I needed to stick around, and being the naive child I was, I believed her.

I didn’t understand what was going on til she got arrested. I don’t really think I understood then. I took up for her, because she was my mother and he was my best-friend-that’s-a-boy. They would never. Then she took the plea deal, that’s when I really understood that yeah, it happened. I spent the rest of my eighth grade year being made fun of, then it was back to my previous school to finish up high school.

When I got there, I didn’t know anyone except one person- Susan. She was my little blonde angel in this 1000 member body of students. She introduced me to her friends, made me feel like I belonged. I automatically stuck to one of her friends, a person named Momo that at the beginning I honestly didn’t know if they were a boy or a girl.

This was also the same time that I was discovering my sexuality. I liked boys, I liked girls, I liked people who were neither. I confided this in Momo, who I found out was biologically a girl. They said that they liked me, I said I liked them to. Tada! A couple of months later they told me that they were transgender and wanted to be called Aidan- and that was the short token paragraph of my gayness. Psych!

Aidan and I lasted ten months, the entirety of  my freshmen year of high school. My parents didn’t approve, at all. In their words they didn’t “agree with my lifestyle”, but in all honesty they were just trying to shut me up because I was raising my brother. I would wake myself and my brother up, get both of us ready for school, get us on the bus, make sure Zack had his homework done, make dinner, do my own homework, and do housework.

I broke up with Aidan during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year, I said it was because of the church I was attending and it was partly true. Partly it was because of a boy there, Ryan. I went to church camp that June and I fell head over heels in love. We sat across from our two cabins in a kid's jungle gym. We talked for hours til our councilors forced us to come inside. I loved Aidan, but we constantly fought and I was "too rough" for him. Ryan made me feel normal and loved.

We would watch movies in the park, he'd whisper that I was beautiful and that he loved me as he nibbled on my ear lobes. He made me feel like I was flying, I was so in love. He was the reason I knew that I wanted to get married some day. We would hold hands in church, my palms so sweaty and shaky because oh my god did I love this boy. It was perfect, til it wasn't.

We split in August after school started, his step mother caught us kissing in the park close to his house. She called me a whore and that I was dressing inappropriately and was too young to be kissing boys. I called my father to come pick me up, we broke up two weeks later when he asked my brother to give me the message during church. I was devastated and on my way to a downward spiral quickly.

During my exploration of my sexuality, I had one person that I could rely on exclusively- that was my lesbian aunt Mariea. She was also a black sheep of the family, we had a lot of similar interests, most of the family said we might as well had been mother and daughter which I agree with whole heartedly. She was my rock and there wasn’t anything in me that doubted she was always on my side.

She was the aunt that took me and my entire group of friends swimming, even though there was seven of us and her truck only sat six. She was the type that would bring me money for a school trip while she was still in her pajamas. She sent me cute little things to school for my birthday and even my brother’s birthday because she knew that I would feel left out. She fussed over my every detail and shaped me into the female that I am today.

She got sick my freshmen year of high school, melanoma skin cancer found on a mole in her back caused by tanning beds. She didn’t let it kick her, she kicked ass from beginning to end. It wasn’t until my sophomore year  that she got worse, and she died in February. I remember attending the funeral, Aidan on one side and Susan on the other- all three of us holding hands and sobbing while my great aunts talked through the entire funeral.

Aidan and I broke up for good shortly afterwards, and I met someone new.  Before that though, I was raped and sexually assaulted by someone I thought I could trust, while being held down by someone who I thought was my friend. I fell pregnant as a product of the assault. Everything was completely normal up until the night of February 10th, 2012. I had severe pain, but I couldn’t tell anyone but up until this point, fifteen weeks into my pregnancy, I hadn’t told anyone about the rape, let alone my condition.

I went to sleep and woke up in sheer agony. I was going into labor, and I couldn’t stop it. I gave birth to a daughter, Raini Delaine on February 11th. Even though she was conceived of rape, she was mine and I loved her with all of my being. I still do.

So much happening in a short period of time. My first love came back, the loss of my daughter and my aunt, and love leaving again was too much for a sixteen year old to handle. I was dealing with anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression. I was so scared and alone, who could deal with the mess I was?

The new boy I was dating, his name was Logan. He swept me off of my feet and made everything sorta kinda okay? He held me tightly when my mom went to jail for being with another registered sex offender, a man that had asked me if I used sex toys and if I’d allow him to buy me one. It wasn’t until six months into the relationship that he started getting abusive.

It just started with making suggestions of suicide if I left him, or he’d break up with me “to make me listen to what he was saying”. Then it was the controlling. I had to tell him what I did, when I did it. He picked out everything I wore, what I ate, when I ate, when I went to the bathroom even. I stayed out of being scared to be alone, and afraid that he was going to kill himself if I decided to leave him.

He then turned to abuse. Forcing me into anal sex, beating me when I didn't do the chores he asked of me. I was so scared that I couldn't tell anyone, I let him be the hero and I was the bad girlfriend. His older brother knew, he didn't say much about it though we got along really well. I didn't tell my father in fear that he might do something to him and I couldn't let that happen either.

I finally broke free of this the summer after I graduated high school, two and a half years after I started dating him. I was eighteen and moved out with my best friend at the time, Haley. I had dated her brother when I was sixteen and on my downward spiral, he was addicted to drugs and drinking but he made me feel like a badass and treated me like a woman so I was all game for whatever he wanted.

I was romanticizing living like white trash, but at the time the run down mobile home was my palace and I was its queen. Nevermind the constant use of drugs, going to jail, losing people, and getting the lights shut off. I was playing cops and robbers. I eventually left because I met someone knew, Jacob.

I met Jacob through Haley, I didn't know him well but I thought he was cute so why not? He was homeless, I moved back to my father's house with him in tow. He slept in a tent in our woods until it got cold where he officially moved to my room and we were officially together. He was battling legal issues, I stood by him even though he had anger problems.

We eventually moved out together, he was now on probation but in general life was good. He couldn't hold down a job but I always had work, busting ass for just enough to scrap by. I met his friends, whom soon became my family.